Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jask's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 7th, 2002
12:41 pm	weeeelllll, guess what, shug is once again updating his journal. and guess what? i shall not peek at it, ever again. yup. that's right. my creepy stalker days are over. no more living the life of a discrimatory wallflower, i'll just act like i should act if i hadn't acted. ;) it helps to know that he doesn't ever want to ever never see me again. kinda. at least this time, or the time past, or is it last time? well, he ditched me. yup. no goodbye or nothing. and hells yes, i got some new underwear! sweet. nothing like cotton undies in the summer to make a girl feel good about herself. i'm psyched. Rice is going to Colorado within the next week, just for a trip. i'm jealous. i never get to go anywhere. the reason for this being that i am paranoid that if i go anywhere by myself (outside of my comfort bubble), then i shall meet ultimate doom. (add a line)
Thursday, June 6th, 2002
9:30 am	Kisses and kisses Rice and I, we finally met each other, at the tips of our lips. The tension up to the moment was incredible. Afterwards, calm. Surrounded by the elements, as the storm outside blew its pain out, we found our calm. And we sat together, for the first time, and the last for time being. For, you see, we cannot yet experience another night as the one past. And we may never... But, I was smiling then, and I shall keep my face on that feels so right. I feel more comfortable about our relationship now than I ever have. And it didn't even feel wrong, such as our society has drilled us it should. Now we can hold each other, as friends do, and know that I have learned. It almost feels like we were two that had had a relationship in the distant past, and we have come together again, with hopes of being companions, but not lovers. I wish more relationships could be like that. All in all, my mind has been lifted of the pre-determined guilt, shame, and remorse of wondering, for now I know, and it feels good. As far as Adi and I, we've never been better. Current Mood: content Current Music: When I want to sing, I sing. (add a line)
Saturday, June 1st, 2002
5:36 pm	the best quiz i've ever taken is at www.colorquiz.com. it hits it right on the "monay" every time. My Existing Situation Orderly, methodical, and self-contained. Needs the respect, recognition, and understanding of those close to her. My Stress Sources Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises. My Restrained Characteristics Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation. Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to her. My Desired Objective Seeks freedom from problems and a secure state of physical ease in which to relax and recover. My Actual Problem Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship or adequate appreciation. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and feel more contented. (add a line)
Thursday, May 30th, 2002
3:02 pm	oi, copy-paste well, i spoke to adi about the problem. i even went as far to tell him that i should've charged him. he took it all in, and then offered the solution of me leaving him. i told him that he is a coward, and that his simple solution would not solve anything. i also confronted my notion that by trying everyway possible to not be like his father (whom he loathes), he is only stepping closer to the executioner. things were solved, but not really. there's still problems. about 15 minutes after our discussion, he started a sentence as: "well, now that you're over that-" and that's where i cut him off, whirled on him (heh, i had a knife in my hand too, i was chopping the top off of a package of noodles) and told him that i would never be "over that" and that i will never forget the way it made me feel. he promptly shut up, and proceeded to suck up to me for the rest of the day, even going as far as buying me a cd at this cool little joint in Nashville called Great Escape. Tori Amos-Past the Mission single. $4! you can't beat that. just kinda pissed me off that some shit had to go down for him to look for it, or anything for that matter. heh, i got a brand new, shrink wrapped box of 12 PEZ dispensers. all Star Wars. i can see a yoda in the box! that fucking rocks! you can't beat eating pez out of yoda's throat. other than that, i have managed to get permission for Rice and I to "peck." small kisses. i didn't ask adi directly if i could give Rice a peck, i just told him that i think its ok for friends to kiss, depending on the type of kiss. he agreed. that's my permission. peck's are okay (and not the Willow pecks! midgets.) i am dakini! -------------------------------------------------------------- today fucking sucks. i have planned to stay at home all day and do nothing, but my mom insists that i make a cake (i've already dropped about 20 things, burnt the hell out of one of my fingers on the oven rack, tried unsuccessfully to un-stick a pan out of another pan (which ended up with me throwing it all around the house), and dropped a batter covered spatula on the floor) i haven't even gotten the cake out of the oven. i painted a something today. don't know how to describe it. kinda abstract. i like it. ::shrugs:: it felt good to be creative again. i also went for a walk in my yard, and found those amazingly large dandilion things. they're the size of a grapefruit, but look like a puffy dandilion. kewl as sheit. i feel small when i hold one. i like that. (add a line)
Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
8:55 pm	what the fuck famous line from a song: "sometimes your nothing but meat." that is a wonderful line. today i saw adi for the first time in, hold on, it's a huge amount, 3 FUCKING DAYS. and what's the first thing he wants to do, fuck. i wanted a hug, he wanted to get into my pants. it was just very disappointing. and honestly, all i could think about was how much of a fucking asshole he was, and of how much i wanted to be with Rice, just laying on him. then he proceeded to tell me how words suck in songs, which was very depressing to me 'cause i like to sing, and write a little. then, i found out that i'm gonna be working tomorrow, which i wasn't supposed to be doing. this fucking sucks. Current Mood: crappy (add a line)
Monday, May 27th, 2002
8:42 pm	i miss them, both. yup, saw Rice again. this is some kinda record for me. i got held by him, he picked me up and put me across his lap (not like that, dirty minded one) and it was loverly. i like snuggling his neck, and playing with his hair...even if he don't like it, so there. i even got to give him a peck on the cheek before he left, and i got two! i miss him, i do. he's got a soft nose. adi's s'posed to be back tonite. i miss him too. he said he wasn't feeling to hot on the drive home. he gets sick sometimes when he's in a car for awhile. and its not the driving, its when he stops. he has "still sickness" (as opposed to motion sickness). kinda strange. if anyone's got any ideas about how to handle it, let me know. watched the south park movie again today. i always forget about the bill gates shooting. that shit gets funnier each time i see it. i feel like shit. i ate steak tonite, and some mushrooms with it. for some reason, the mushrooms always make me ill, unless they're portabella. ugh, tummy gurglin. no es bueno. Current Mood: sick Current Music: Tori - Butterfly (add a line)
Friday, May 24th, 2002
9:32 pm	salsa...mmmm..... yup, eating some more. hey, this stuff keeps if ya keep it in the fridge! i'm not nasty! heh, i had a cookie too. and i'm already in my jammies. sweet. nothing like a pair of boxers and an old ratty t-shirt on a summer night. got out of work early because a jerk, and i mean jerk came in wanting a hair cut at freakin' 7:30. i told him we were booked, and our last guy was waiting for his appointment. the jerk didn't believe me and asked if he could wait to see if he showed up. i was lying, of course, about the appointment. so, i had to fake it like the guy was calling to cancel his appt. by calling our other line. i'm good. oh yeah baby. heh, i even had a nice telephone conversation about how we were closed monday and he could reschedule for tuesday, and that, no, i didn't mind if he called back after he'd checked his schedule. the jerk got in. man, salsa messy. actually, no , i am. i'm the messiest eater i know. i always have shit on my face. well, not shit. ya know what i mean... i had the best conversation last night online with Rice. i described my place that secret place that i know without thinking about it. basically, take Maxfield Parrish's "Stars" and make the air as light as warm water feels. it was very theraputic. then he kissed me, theoretically speaking. Current Mood: content Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm (add a line)
Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
8:43 pm	in other, non-private news, i am about to subject myself to my awesome homemade salsa, that makes my breath reek for about a week. yes! i trained a girl tonite at work for the new receptionist job that opened up yesterday when our other night girl went into labor. i like the new girl, she seems quick to learn, reliable, and cool. bueno. heh, we got out of there a half an hour early tonite. i was driving home, and i actually got to see the sunset. it was brilliant. really. it was one of those rare, wreck-your-car-by-looking, sunsets. a photograph would have done it little justice. other than that, Rice is having a time at his home, and i in my mind, everything sucks. too much stress for me, too little lovin' for him. Adi is going out of town this weekend, and i'm to feed his dogs and water their plants. fun fun. at least i'll have Sunday to myself. i'll probably sleep in 'till 4 and then putz around in my jammies until it gets dark at 8:30 and then go back to sleep. speakin of jammies, i'm gonna go put mine on right now, before i eat my wonderfully delicious and aromatic salsa. (add a line)
Tuesday, May 21st, 2002
10:30 am	Yesterday was bad. I was #1 ditched by adi, #2 boycotted by rice. and #3, i had to work (i was called in, 'member?). i started getting very tired about half way into my shift, and it was all downhill from there. i called adi, found out he was gonna go see the star wars movie, didn't ask if i wanted to go. got off the phone with him. proceeded to do nothing productive at work until the end of my shift. sat in my car for about 10 minutes (and that's a long time when yer just sittin there) thinking about how i don't want to go home. took the long way, very long way. i actually tried calling rice, which i rarely do, but the phone rang until the answering machine came on. saw some desicated area of land where i'm sure a commercially sound suburb is going up, and started to trickle. heh, i actually laughed at the irony of actually experiencing (well, noticing it) the whole "the tears fell unchecked down her face" syndrome. i've done it before, i'm sure, but i just couldn't stop laughing, that pathetic cry-laugh-cry thing, b/c i felt so freakin stupid. i promptly wiped my face on my shirt. then i got close to rice's house, pulled into the empty parking lot of a real-estate building, proceeded to turn my car off and call him again. i got through, but i couldn't get him to come out and meet me. he was "sick." and thus, the boycott continued. i haven't seen him in over 6 months, and he's one of my best friends. he's had this mental illness which he has chosen to manifest into a physical one. been there, done that. for a long time, too. i've told him that i know what he has, and that he just has to become sick enough of his mind voluntarily controling his body to stop it. literally, you just get so sick of it, of getting sick, that you put up a big mental stop sign or something, and you stop it. well, he wouldn't meet me, although i repeatedly asked, pushed, and prodded him to come out. i was 5 minutes away. that was my step. heh, i even asked him what he would do if i was in his driveway, he said barricade himself in. gee, how sweet. it made me feel much better, hm, don't think so. so, end result being i felt more shitty after talking to him, i drove home, ate a hot dog (lips 'n assholes! yes!) and went to bed. i didn't even turn on the fucking computer. today promises to be better, i'm working on it. i found an old tori amos "Recovering Christain" shirt on ebay, it kicks major booty. plus, yesterday i bought the star wars action figure of Samuel L. Jackson, and i'll be damned if i can remember his character's name right now. i really wanted a yoda figure, since yoda kicks ass (literally apparently, as he is said to have a cool action scene in the film, possibly worth paying the $7 just to see that) but, alas, he is supposed to be "hard to find." sucks. i should have called adi a little while ago to see what we are doing today, but i need a little Me Time today, as i'm usually working or with him. i'll call when i'm ready. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Massive Attack - Inertia Creeps (add a line)
Sunday, May 19th, 2002
9:51 pm	Today, Tomorrow, Whenever every day is pretty much the same, 'cept some days i have someone to spend the sameness with. i got to eat my favourite gummy cherries today. they're scrumptious. a tasty treat sensation indeed. one to be savoured, and not dropped on the ground, as i did to one sad individual cherry. sorry, cherry. heh, at least i honor the 30 second rule. it was only on the ground for a short 16.34 seconds. success! adi got a kick ass Betty Paige shirt today. i'm jealous, she's a babe. ::schwing!:: i fucked up and may have given rice my lj name, he says he doesn't know it, but i'll find out somehow. sucks. i've had to go back and "privatize" certain entries. sorry guys. they really weren't that interesting anyways, like any of my posts are. heh. adi's really upset lately about his music. he's finally found someone who can keep up with him and his ideas, and this guy is interested in working with him, so things are going kinda right for him. he's scared about that. he's scared because he thinks he's at the point in his life when he needs to make life-altering decisions. i told him not to worry, and to do what makes him happy. make the decisions as they come upon him, and don't worry about them in advance. at least, not the small ones he likes to ponder about. he thinks he's gonna lose me, but if he doesn't want to, he won't. the more i'm with him, the more i care about him, and that's strange for me. usually people begin to annoy me the more i'm around them. i reckon he's a keeper. man, its fucking freezing here. sucks. its freakin may, and its gonna be 41 tonite. we're talking record lows baby. brr. i hate being cold. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Bjork - All is Full of Love (strings) (add a line)
Saturday, May 18th, 2002
9:10 pm	oh yeah heh, i'm smart now, I have an Associates of Science Degree from Columbia State. Summa Cum Laude or whatever. I'm purty smert! heh-yup! (add a line)
8:53 pm	Great, I'm fucked. Rice has decided that he would like to create an account here, and I have given him a code, from an old account previous to this one. I am not thrilled about this, as I may have to go back through numerous journal entries and make them private, or friends only, but I have no friends, so that would be pointless. I'm not sure that he'll find me, as he has never heard of me having this alias, but, there are ways. sucks. See, this is my name for me. wantfully, it won't leak. look at me, i know html! man, this sucks. i can only be nerdly, and keep posting my crappy posts that nobody reads. ::puffs out chest:: too bad i don't have a super-sexy sidekick. it's very cold here. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Tori Amos-Daisy Dead Petals (add a line)
Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
10:20 am	Well, rice knows, and come to find out, he always wondered about what we would've been too. sucks. i'm kinda glad i'm leaving in august to go to WKU. if i leave them both, then i can't split them up. adi and rice's relationship is more important than my relationship with either of them. but i do love them both dearly. in other news, i'm getting my own apartment :) storms all this week. lots of downright nasty weather. (add a line)
Thursday, March 28th, 2002
8:20 am	I am eating Cinnamon Crispix right now. Kinda yummy. Went to the fucking endodontist yesterday. Said that my tooth isn't cracked, just "overly sensitive". Yeah, but why? I hate men in professional roles. Such as: doctors, car repair men, landscapers, lawyers, some teachers, car salesmen, etc... They think that because they have two heads, then I have none. Oooohh, they piss me off. Never, NEVER have I met a car mechanic who treated me as though I actually knew what they were talking about. Holy shit, heaven forbid that I, a dickless humanoid, actually know what an altenator or a fucking spark plug is. Oh, and forget the fact that I have taken apart my own engine and rebuilt it because a screw cracked in the head, and blew it, and my head got warped, so I had to get it shaved down, and then I could put the fucker back together. Oh jesus, the world would end before I get any respect out of any of the latter professions. Off the rant train, got a new computer, a Dell. Shug would laugh his ass off. Ya see, he used to work for the Nazis. Its purty, though. All black and hi-tech looking. Got used to Windows XP fairly quickly. Lately, I've been working on my Powerpoint presentation which is my final for my Microcomputer Applications class. Its kewl. I need to figure out if and how I can play a soundtrack, one song, throughout the whole slideshow. I'll ask my professor today. Sounds like fun in the sun. Current Mood: eh Current Music: Orbital - The Sinner (add a line)
Friday, March 22nd, 2002
12:51 pm	Inconsistent and Funny. adi and I had a "spiff" last night. interesting enough. he complained about how selfish he thinks he is, a rare trait might I say, and i listened. we never argue. we just never think that anything is worth it. we'll sit and talk it out before we ever yell. i like that. in other news of the strange and somewhat boring: i still have no idea about school. APSU deterred me from them with a simple campus tour. Now I'm looking into WKU. Oh, yeah, baby. I realized that I really really like Diet Rite with vanilla flavoring added to where the vanilla on the bottom of the glass is just the rite (HA HA! Get it!) consistency of a fine paste. yummy. I have to take small sips of that so that my head doesn't explode. Oh yeah, baby. Current Mood: eh Current Music: Thomas Newman - Spring (add a line)
Saturday, March 2nd, 2002
7:12 pm	is it ever worth the Subject: line? nope. accepted into every college, scholarship apps sent off. need to make a decision, but i can't seem to get my mind to work in my favor. great. (3 extra lines | add a line)
Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
9:16 pm	After a short sprig of communication, Shug has decided that it is not worth his while to continue. I can't decide if I like this outcome or not. It doesn't matter, I suppose, but it bothers me, the changes. Adi and I? Great. We're really doing well. Rice? He is very sick right now. He is getting checked for possible cancerous tumours in March. Of course, he is a paranoid person. I think he'll be fine. School? Stressing me out. A lot. Accepted to all of my next college choices (I graduate in May from my community college). Now I have to choose. Filling out scholarship apps, housing apps, street corner apps...etc...;) Other than that, I ate cold popcorn today, and I'm still trying to get this one damn kernal out from between 2 of my molars. Damn corn products! (add a line)
Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
7:59 am	My flood pictures turned out. All in color. Why is it, that if someone takes a photograph in blk&wht;, then it is considered more artistic than a color one? This isn't always the case, but almost always is the case. Its kinda aggravating because if half of my worst pictures were taken in blk&wht;, then perhaps they would be treasures. The reason it grates on me is because most of the blk&whts; out there suck! Bad! Really really bad! The subjects can be as mundane as possible, and yet, praise such as if Jesus himself had taken them is given. I just don't get it. I agree that portraits should always be in blk&wht;, but show me a sunset or that looks better in blk&wht;, and I'll lick a dogs asshole. Yup, you heard me. Perhaps it is the harshness that can betray the warmth of a photo, or the shadows that hide the stories? Well, capture the world as you see it. If that works for you, click away. (add a line)
Thursday, January 24th, 2002
8:51 am	Its raining, its pouring, the old man is snoring. He went to bed and bumped his head and didn't wake up till morning. Man, children nursery rhymes are creepy. example: Rock a'bye baby, in the tree-top. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. And down will come baby, cradle and all. Kinda icky. *Putting babies in trees alone, and then making them fall, and then the cradle squishes the poor thing into the ground! example 2: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again. *Attempted suicide? Hmmmm? example 3: Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a know? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your ears hang low? *Making fun of differences? Meanie. example 4: Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after. I'll bet she tripped him. Murder. Disgusting. example 5: I?ve been working on the railroad All the livelong day, I?ve been working on the railroad Just to pass the time away. Don?t you hear the whistle blowing? Rise up so early in the morn. Don?t you hear the captain shouting, ?Dinah, blow your horn?? Dinah, won?t you blow, Dinah, won?t you blow, Dinah, won?t you blow your horn? Dinah, won?t you blow, Dinah, won?t you blow, Dinah, won?t you blow your horn? Someone?s in the kitchen with Dinah, Someone?s in the kitchen I know. Someone?s in the kitchen with Dinah, Strumming on the old banjo. Fee-fi, fiddle-e-i-o, Fee-fi, fiddle-e-i-o-o-o-o, Fee-fi, fiddle-e-i-o, Strumming on the old banjo. *Now, you're gonna tell me that that's not blatantly sexual? Phbt! Dinah's a ho! example 6:] London Bridge is falling down, Falling down, falling down.London Bridge is falling down, My fair lady. Build it up with iron bars,Iron bars, iron bars. Build it up with iron bars,My fair lady. Build it up with gold and silver,Gold and silver, gold and silver. Build it up with gold and silver, My fair lady. Take the key and lock her up,lock her up, lock her up. Take the key and lock her up, My fair lady. *Now, you're gonna tell me the locking some bitch up in a gold and silver jail isn't gonna drive her insane! Also, why destroy a bridge. Not very nice. I do realize the historical story behind this one, but come on! example 7: Three blind mice! Three blind mice! See how they run! See how they run! They all ran after the farmer?s wife, Who cut off their tail with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice? Three blind mice! Three blind mice! *Cruelty to animals! Cruelty to animals! Geeze, and they were blind, too! And we all know that that damn poesy song is about the plague! That is some sick shit for people to be teaching their kids. (add a line)
Saturday, January 19th, 2002
9:42 am	Krispy Kremes are better on the third day. (add a line)