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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Sirencall's LiveJournal:
| Saturday, April 20th, 2002 | |
| 1:44 pm | We All Choose Our Own Focus Point Lastnight I went to the edge of the sea where my friends made me dinner.. Later more friends came and we watched old horror movies. Ummm.. The Lost Boys and Phantasm.. haaaa! I am surrounded by such wonderfully creative and talented people. When we all get together there is a certain energy that cascades the room. I notice it whenever we get together. We have been through so many things together. It's sort of like Fleetwood Mac.... we've all sort of been involved with each other at some point... and still we love each other and have a great time hanging out. So my ex, who is a musician and a writer, his own publishing company, and many other things that I am sure I am leaving out, writes short stories periodically. His last one was a Valentine's story about me.. involving a specific incident that happened when we first became intimate together. Actually involving specific things.. him, me, his barbell, oral sex, and my cat.. Persephone. You remember her, she's the one involved in another bed time incident I referred to previously... umm.. yeah.. my life. I have been avoiding reading this one. Although I do need to be adored, I am not one that needs to be the center of attention .. at all times :)= The idea of a story written about me by someone that I had one of my most.. if not the most passionate, tumultuous affair of my lifetime was not exactly thrilling to me..it was scary. However, I read the story... it was unavoidable. he presented me with my very own copy lastnight. Hmmm :)= I reasoned that I could always deny being this particular muse. However it became increasingly evident that this would not be an option. Anybody that knows me personally.. would know who he was referring to without question. There I was written in black and white words... language that only I use, idioscyncracies, and the more hidden characteristics of my kiss, the way my body responds during hungry moments, my dominance exposed, my sexual games, my comfort in tension, my hesitation play....my most concealed naked parts detailed and then honored and revered. I bit my lip so hard I actually made it bleed... no one noticed. I'm sure others are less private than me and are wondering what the big deal is... I also couldn't believe how good his memory is.. this was something he wrote about that happened well over 2 years ago. It's very odd reading about yourself.. especially reading such glowing, juicy reviews about your most bare and primal spicy states of being. The way you seduce and succumb are true vulnerabilities, ultimately you must trust enough to expose both.. at least I need to. It ended up not being a horrifying story to read at all. There were parts of me that I haven't seen since that time. And then I realized that there are parts of me that have been born because of that experience. It's sort of like coming full circle. But anyway, he delivered the story with beauty and amazing attention to detail.. ummm yeah :)= and the last few pages had me holding my stomach because it was just so damn funny! I'm running late.. time for Tarot................... Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: Sinead O'Connor, TROY |
| Friday, April 19th, 2002 | |
| 5:38 pm | What now resonates within me I just had the most divine experience.. and still I quiver and tingle... every muscle shakes, every part a voice. Invisible hands gliding up and down my spine, hot breath on the back of my neck, tongues tracing the length of my insides.. and still I feel every touch. |
| 10:08 am | As with everything, what it comes down to is if you decide to TURN IT ON or NOT..... that's what predicts momentum or stagnation.. it, the magic, all begins with that single decision Current Mood:  thoughtful |
| 7:56 am | This *IS* the twilight zone OH WOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! HA! I thought it was 8PM HA! I am so disoriented.. It's really 8am! LOL It is such a good thing that I did not go over to *M and *L's expecting to watch horror movies right now. Wow! I have the whole day ..I can go back to bed or read even! I was wondering how it would be possible to sleep over 16 hours when I usually sleep 6. Now I know I only need 3! I'm still going to go over to movie night thing in my pajamas tho. We should make a line of goth gear pj's :/ |
| 7:33 am | WITHIN THE MOMENTS WITHIN MYSELF,I WAS CHALLENGING THE FORCE OF NATURE I feel like I stepped into the twilight zone. Not only did I JUST get up.. but no one is around. Am I suppose to be at that movie thing? I might just go over in pajamas hmmmm In any event there is a tarot workshop I want to go to tomorrow and I'm suppose to go back on call.. let us pray for some miracle that I don't have to work. I don't know if this type of thinking helps or hinders me... I had a conversation where someone was telling me that everytime they had something/someone.. someone was always trying to take it away from them so they just didn't tell anyone when they had anything anymore. They asked me if I thought it was dangerous that I tell people when I have something precious. I told them no, that I never think anything is mine and in fact I set everyone and everything free... for the most part. I just release it/unleash it to the universe. I give it away so nothing can ever be taken from me. He saw this as some great buddhist ability/ transcendance to be unattached.. but I see it as an indication of my weakness.. it's just my avoidance of pain. It's kind of what I said earlier.. about being a balloon and being anchored only to air.. really think about what a state of being like that is... Ultimately I believe the universe gives me what I need. There are no accidents and every moment is perfect.. but that's just me. |
| 4:15 am | NEED TO RENT THE SPACE BETWEEN HIS HIPS This is the life I am used to. Days filled with LIVING and entertainment. Yesterday (Thursday) was one of those days where there were so many things that genuinely touched me. There were so many lit moments that were learning experiences. I didn't get to bed til 11am Thursday.. partly because of a great conversation with a person made of pure charm and fire.. Sleep did not seem very important. It was one of those conversations I haven't had in a while that I needed to have. "Human Encounters Through Meaningful Discussion" I call them. Another pocket of surreal amazing...for so many reasons. Later I grabbed Dave and we went to Whimsy (performance art stuff) at Mama Gaia's Cafe where we met up with  nessus . I think everyone should check this out (next one is May2nd.. yes the day before my birthday!). These are the types of things I need to be going to more often... these are things that feed my vibes. I want to be a part of this type of community.. surrounded by art and expression, free will, seekers of truth, and creators. I can't even put my excitement into words. It's like that time we went to the Art convention in Somerville.. there was an energy that feels RIGHT to me. Now I just have to find a talent! HA! Chris Korda (Founder of The Church of Euthanasia) put on a great show using music and propaganda film... some images I remember "Eat a queer fetus for Jesus", "Fuck Breeding". This guy Jonathan Vincent performed with his accordion. he was damn funny. I can't really explain him to you but he wrote and performed a passionate song about obsession he thought might have been something Chet Baker could relate to.. This industrial rock band TUNG was pretty good too.. After *D and I had chai at the cafe and talked a long time.. about getting an apartment together, love.. I got into one of my passionate moods listing all the things I wanted to do and where I needed to be and all the reasons why I was happy. He just sort of looked at me strangely alot :)= The entire night consisted of strange coincidences.. names and previous topics kept popping up on signs, or with other people, or pamphlets that were passed to me.. Results of my day: * Everything in my life ultimately depends on my pleasure (this is a long discussion) *I feel at HOME in an "Art" atmosphere *I need to find a spiritual community. My soul is starving for connection in that way. *The best things that have happened to me in life have always been the things I was not able to foresee * I keep seeing alot of people with fake hair/extensions.. I want some. *I have an overpowering need to find all my old Pink Floyd cds and listen to them ?? *I don't always know everything about who I am but I always know who I am not. *Every conversation I have, brings me closer to where I want to be *When I am NOT riding the wave of infinite possibility, I make decisions that are contrary to where I want to be. All I need to do is look at the people or places that surround me to know if I have made the right decisions. *I need to devote more time to reading *I have this nagging feeling that everything in my life is going to completely change this year. *I am deliriously happy and I feel VERY alone in this I often feel like a balloon being lifted to the sky... anchored to nothing but the wind. Current Dream: Invent a new form of entertainment Current Mood: enthralledCurrent Music: Moby's (latest): We Are All Made Of Stars |
| Thursday, April 18th, 2002 | |
| 3:10 am | FOR YOUR SILKINESS..... I ask you, could you love a wingless angel? Could you love a faraway star? Could you see what you need within me? And could you love me and my imperfections completely? Ahhhhh! Liberty! Libertatis! Today my body soared! It felt so good to work out. My body was SINGING! EVERY PORE ON MY BODY WAS BURSTING WITH RAINBOWS! It was so wonderful seeing my friends again and being in my wide awake city. Civilization at last! We went to ManRay to see VNV Nation and Haujobb .. did not have to go early or stand in line thankfully. I am usually not a concert person at all. It doesn't really matter to me if the band is there or I am listening to a recording... it's the feeling of the music that matters to me. But tonight was different for some reason..the energy was incredible and I felt like celebrating and being around people. Most likely because I have been held hostage for the last 2 weeks (illness). Everything just felt so much more alive to me. I just closed my eyes and danced in front of the stage.. soaking up and savoring the energy in the room. Afterwards we met up with VNV because *M is a groupie. :)= I really don't know what to do in those situations. I don't want to be bothering anyone and what more can I say than "It was a great show. Thank you"? Just always seems odd for me. With my friends.. I find myself in these situations all the time. Ha! I also saw a couple that kept gazing into each others eyes lovingly and it was so touching the way they were close and tender with each other. I LOVE seeing people in love! I LOVE IT! It gives me hope that one day I may find that. Watching them reminded me of one of my favorite quotes; "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed" -Jung I feel so romantic right now. What a nice feeling to fall asleep with. Now it is thundering out.. Brilliant! Love it! I am watching the lighting light up the ocean... sigh! I want to start biking and blading the Esplanade or Arlington bike trail now that warmer times have come and sunscreen is my new bestfriend. I'm going to go build a fairy house now... "Please forgive me if I bleed. Please forgive me if I breathe. I have words I need to say. Oh so very much to say." -VNV Nation Current Mood:  rejuvenatedCurrent Music: VNV NATION, FORSAKEN |
| Wednesday, April 17th, 2002 | |
| 1:46 pm | Only Fear Can Make People Do the Stupidest Things I woke up from a dream today where CHRISTOPHER WALKEN had been a huge mosquito (he had his human head.) He flew in front of some priest and mesmerized him before biting his head and sucking on his blood. As he did so, he was very loving and acted like a nursing baby. He didn't kill the priest but left him with a huge headwound. Then Christopher transformed into a human being. Apparently this was necessary to avenge his friend's death who had also been a mosquito and was killed.. actually slain with a sword. I had seen this happen and I had tried to stop it because I realized that they weren't mosquitos at all.. they were evolving miracles...but people were fearful because they didn't understand what they were. The mosquito that had been killed with the sword, had wings like STAINED GLASS from a church's windows.. and they kept changing colors.. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life and it was like MEETING HOLY. |
| 6:42 am | A squirrel just tried to come into my bedroom.. two days ago it was a bird. It's like the animal kingdom here. I think this is hot.. the one with the paint all over her body fetishphotosOk time for bed |
| 4:11 am | The Words I say, The Words I Hear I am definately in one of my shunning the sun moods. I am just not a day person. I am so much more alive at this time of day and LJ is the only thing open. I need some nocturnal playmates. Have I mentioned...If there is a psychotic maniac in the room, I'll find him. So what's your talent? My social life has officially begun again. My body is through resting I am going to see VNV Nation tomorrow/ today. But, I'm too lazy to stand in line...so we shall see. I still haven't seen Caligula. I think we should see this during our movie night thing.. I caught a glimpse of this show.. I think it's called Judging Amy?? Wow.. that hit home. The family caseworker character is someone I used to be before I was a therapist. When I think about some of the things I saw.. too much violence for one thing. I get knots in my stomach.. UGH! The show does a good job of showing how caseworkers are treated and what you see. Now I am interested in reading up on childhood elective mutism.. it was on the show. Einstein didn't speak til he was 4. I spoke at 8 months.. See the difference? La! All cds should come with the lyrics printed on the cd sleeve.. to omit them is a dishonor. It's almost like saying the words are not as important as the music. I'd like to make my living writing lyrics.... or just writing words to things.. commercials whatever. Yes there's an ideal job for me. I have alot to say. I can come up with words for anything. "Negative thoughts are like non-nourishing food: You can consume it, or offer it, it fills something, but it is ultimately empty" -Sark I really like the way she writes.. It's like helpful life knowledge conveyed in a FLUFFY way. I'm sick of reading dry, boring life stuff. My life is never dry and boring... And it's time for a new fantastical Peter Pan adventure.. which one will I go with...? Current Mood: Nocturnal Current Music: Psychedelic Furs, Angels don't cry |
| Tuesday, April 16th, 2002 | |
| 7:49 pm | Be Still Sometimes I just need silence. Like now. Too much stimuli. I spend much of my time walking around with earplugs.. seriously. I took a short 20 min nap earlier and I had the most horrifying dream. There was a plane crash..involving a big silver 777 looked like AA but could have been Pan Am (are they still around? I should know these things) I watched it fall out of the sky slanted.Then I heard the crash and saw the fire. God it was horrible. Then afterwards for some reason an ambulance and some other truck fell from the sky and I was wondering what else would fall from the sky and I hoped it wouldn't land on anyone. Current Mood:  restlessCurrent Music: Hopefully silence soon |
| 1:19 pm | Grocery stores, Flirtations, Amsterdam, and LJ I got up early and decided to write on the beach. I don't know if it has to do with growing up on the water but,I always feel the ocean within me. I always seek out the sea to quiet the restless stirring within me interestingly enough.. since the sea is anything but quiet. I have an annoying habit of adding up numbers or counting things wherever I go I think this is a form of OCD. I especially do it with license plate numbers when I am sitting in traffic. Yesterday I was flirted with and pursued at the grocery store. This guy kept starring at me and we always seemed to manage to be in the same aisle. He was older and very attractive. So I was reading the back of cereal boxes when I look up and again I find him staring at me. He smiles and he tells me he's sorry. Specifically he says "I'm sorry. I am finding it hard to take my eyes off of you" I am unprepared for this and I forget how to breathe. I don't know what to say so I say "Oh. hmmm" lol and smile.(see I told you I don't know how to flirt.. it would involve too much planned thinking) Then he says "Forgive me if I seem out of line, but I noticed you when you walked in and you light up the entire store. You are a very beautiful woman." Some of my friends hear this stuff all the time, but I am not used to hearing things like this from people I don't know. I was not in my light up the room mode. I was in my "run out to the supermarket and be invisible" mode. I think this was actually the first time I have ever been noticed when I wasn't in my "prepared to enchant state". ( I could write pages about the whole enchantment spell. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. We all do it when we are getting ready to go out somewhere.) Actually I felt a little sad after. I also talked to *J for a long time about moving to Amsterdam.. which I am always talking about but can never seem to work out the logistics. One of the things I want to do is live in Europe and explore for a year or so. I feel an affinity with the Netherlands so that's where I would set up home base. One of the logistics is that I don't want to do this alone. I am always travelling alone, I want someone to share the experience with.. *Ro would be the perfect person to do this with but he and his lover just bought a home and are pretty much home focussed now. I am going to write a whole entry about him someday soon because he really is one of the most amazing forces I have ever encountered. That boy not only accomplishes his desires.. but he does so at the speed of light.. He *is* pure magick. He's all Aries.. and from him I learned to leap off cliffs of risk and through believing and expecting that I would land on my feet.. I *would* land on my feet. So I digress.. Also there are so many amazing journals online. I am fascinated with people's stories.. You learn alot about someone's strength and rising up through the flames experiences on here. Some people are very good at illustrating their evolution. they just don't write about "perfect ideal" states of being...love that! Rar! Warriors! Current Mood:  busyCurrent Music: Echo &The; Bunnymen, The Killing Moon |
| 3:50 am | I Devour to be Devoured in Return I confess to stitching my fear to the backs of my hands so when I plunge I can watch it attempt to escape me in terror, at the realization that I can destroy it forever. I was flipping through channels and heard this quote; "I want to be with somebody that helps me attain something I can't do by myself" I have mixed feelings about that. I search for more than me My father says I search for more than a man... And you, with your sapphire eyes and hungry bites into my mind.. you understand my fragility and never expect me to be anything more than human. Current Mood: No Idea Current Music: Rhea 's Obsession- Between Earth and Sky |
| Monday, April 15th, 2002 | |
| 1:32 pm | Jealousy is your Keeper.. steal the keys I recently observed an exchange between a group of people who are not my friends and it made me think. For the most part I am SO lucky to have the friends that I have.. I don't understand jealousy. I really don't. I never have. Blame it on my parents. I never witnessed it growing up... My parents were always saying "you need to do what you need to do. No one controls, or should try to control anyone". I do not believe in making territorial claims on someone else or demanding that they only care for you. We don't control who we love. If people love or like more than one person.. who are you to try and stop or limit that. Love is a beautiful thing, it should always be allowed to breathe. How rude that one would insist on being the center of a person's universe and every attention. If you feel that way.. that has nothing to do with someone's love for you.. that has to do with you not being happy with yourself. You've got some holes to fill on your own. Find some time to work on yourself. And I especially do not get when people are jealous of another person's (friend's) happiness and success. Wow! Where does this come from? That feels so violent to me. I can understand being frustrated because you are not exactly where you want to be.. but to wish that things weren't going so well for another? How does this help anything? UGH! I want everyone to be happy and self-fulfilling around me. I WANT that energy all around me.. I don't want to be near people who gloat over another person's weaknesses or failure. I do not want to hear sarcastic catty comments like "She thinks she's so beautiful" or "He thinks he's so great" People SHOULD feel that they are beautiful and great! What is wrong with this?? Who the hell are you to decide that a person should NOT feel wonderful?? I WANT people to feel like that! I WANT people to celebrate how beautiful and talented and how wonderful they are. What the hell do you care if someone is high on themselves? If it makes YOU feel bad.. again.. YOU have the problem.. not them.. GET A LIFE and get busy making your own self feel wonderful! Not to mention that constant self deprecation is utterly boring and actually it's become quite predictable.. it's just so fruitless.. be a friggen God for once. Be a Shameless Warrior amoung other Shameless Warriors and then lets have some fun! My idea of friendship is promoting my friends always. You don't try and make a friend look bad EVER! I want my friends to live and breathe like they are a Shining Fucking Star! (literally haha )You encourage their shine. And by the way.. withdrawing your support.. remaining silent when your friends need you or when something wonderful happens to them.. is passive aggressive and just another act of jealousy as far as I am concerned. Even during my HELL days, some of the things that make me smile is thinking about a certain friend being able to do something that I could not... the fact that they were happy makes me happy. But, I see too many people when they are down, want to bring down the rest of the world with them.. umm yeah.. that's real productive and logical. Think about that really.. Think about how stupid that is. They could be your only anchor in this world, but there you are sinking the ship and drowning everyone. Somehow many people learned that tearing everything and everyone down brings happiness.. isn't that silly? Current Mood: Winged Current Music: Labyrinth Soundtrack, Within You |
| 12:11 pm | The plot thickens.. and then there were 8 Apparently one stayed behind. So there are 8 of them there and 1 here= a total of 9. umm.. right.. Apparently they are not demons here to terrorize me as I once thought. I think this is the longest running dream I have ever had. It's like Cats.. it won't go away. Then I have these dreams with these meetings held. I literally think "Oh I have to get to this meeting.." and then I meet with these people I don't know. I used to have this one alot when I was in my teens. My dreams are becoming quite soap opera-like and Kubrickesque.I am really not one for vague signs. In fact I am quite practical and scientific. I don't like to beat around the bush and I am very direct. I believe in what I can see and touch.. just depends on which realm we are talking about ;)= Whenever I look at my spirituality more closely.. this inevitably happens. It's like I have signed an agreement with the universe that once again it is quite all right to commence the weird and cosmic strange. The doors and windows suddenly fly open and it's like the universe won't stop talking.. giving you headaches day and night. But let your mind try to grasp one corner of one concept for one moment.. and you are lost. So you (well maybe not you but certainly me) actually end up thinking with a different sort of mind that you always knew was there.. you just didn't trust it... this one is not your slow human mind at all. This mind is some sort of collective unconscious that is living and breathing. Sort of like what Jung described.. but more.. |
| Sunday, April 14th, 2002 | |
| 11:30 pm | Just call me Reverend K I just became an ordained minister.. preparing the Church of Lalaism for the Lalaites EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeela! :)= Yes Art is our path. Self-expression and love is the answer :)= Actually I am going to officiate *R's wedding. LAAA!!! Current Mood: pleasedCurrent Music: Black Grape, Reverend Black Grape |
| 7:10 pm | Stretching like a cat across my sheets God I love my life! Even this weekend.. being sick and hanging around bed, adventure and happiness find me. What a GREAT weekend. All pain is temporary. I learned alot. Can I say? I wouldn't trade my life with anyone for anything.. I can always find a moment of bliss. I could be in the blackest of hells.. let me tell you something.. I would find a way, or even a moment to enjoy myself. It wouldn't even be something I'd have to find.. it would just find it's way to me. I experience sheer delight just being able to express myself and gain knowledge. I take the "superficial" with the "deep".. it's all good.. I am having club hour here.. dancing around to Moby and Delerium and this song which I have no clue what it is but it rocks. If anything you can't say I don't have fun or that I court monotony. "And if you can't overcome what get's you down, don't get uptight. It's all right" Current Mood: Dancing like a fiend Current Music: New Order, Brutal |
| 4:45 pm | Red Rover Red Rover send Pad Tai on over! |
| 2:45 pm | I am itching under my skin and I am seeing sparkles and bursts of light everywhere |
| 4:29 am | With All My Heart Angels..appearing from everywhere. I am kissing the sky because of them. Talked with my beautiful *I #1.. I miss him. I then recieved a surprise phone call from a distant land and talked with one of my oldest friends *L for over 4 hours. You just would not believe what an extraordinary person he is. I do believe I have just read one of the most sexiest emails I have ever recieved in my entire life...... ::pant pant:: I look at the designs of the hearts and the colors of those that surround me.. that divine I see in all of you and I don't think you can imagine for one moment the kind of love I feel for you or how you soften my soul. Current Mood: thankfulCurrent Music: Heather Nova, Nothing Heals me Like You Do(London Rain) |