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Monday, May 6th, 2002
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3:57 am - That's right....Ph33R my Spatula of DOOM!!
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 |  | I have a rare gift. My strength lies in my ability to do one thing very very well. Sword, pistol, airplane... whatever the weapon, I wield it with a deadly force, and a deadly accuracy. I love competition, and refuse to lose, no matter the stakes. I can make friends quickly, but can lose them as fast, due to my competitive nature.
What's your superpower? |
current mood:  amused
current music: Moby - A Season In Hell
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(Crossfire)
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| Sunday, May 5th, 2002
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7:24 pm - Self-Realization....
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A problem with human nature is that we stay with what we are comfortable with.
Be it relationships, jobs, states of mind, what have you.
Happiness does NOT enter into the equation...not really, anyway.
Consider: A man is depressed for 16 years. Its getting him no where, its hindering his life, yet he makes no great effort or gesture to excise the cancer. Why? Its grown to the point of familiarity. Its what feels natural...it seems to be part of him--indeed, it may feel like it is the greater part of him. Being his natural state, he feels no urge that things are wrong and he needs to change--in effect, the corruption is rooted. It would take a severe urging, prodding, need, or force of will to uproot, and eradication may well be impossible.
This holds true despite the man's own admissions that it hurts to bear, that it keeps people away, that it keeps him away from people. That its a liability of the worst sort.
Another case to reinforce this is the abusive relationship, where the man/woman is either doing all the giving and receiving little in return, save for emotional and/or physical stress and injury. Granted, this case tends to work itself out some times--eventually, the abuser/stressor goes too far, but at that point the result is typically severe mental or physical trauma, possibly death. Which is not really a good way to remove a bad situation. But short of that, many people remain in abusive relationships because its what they've been doing, or theres a child involved, or they're so committed to...something, they can't or won't consider quitting and moving on.
Of course, then you get into the more "cut and dried" cases, like drug dependency, where the person may know its bad for them, but the physical/psychological dependency keeps them down. These are easiest to kick, actually, simply because you have an obvious causality going on--you take the drug, you get your fix, your dependency is reinforced. Don't take it, it gets painful, but eventually, inextricably, you get 'better'. Its usually not that simple for relationships and emotions to stay away.
Which is not to say breaking a heroin addiction is easy, just that its a simpler process--usually.
So how can you break free of these hindrances and pains?
This ain't a self help book. I don't have the answers.
Well, save this: Stop a moment, pick a something that worries or stresses you on a regular basis. Then think. Objectively, mind you. That's the key. Break free of the thought processes that you usually take, even just as an exercise. And consider the bonuses and drawbacks. Weigh them. If the feeling or person takes more than it gives and you're typically walk on eggshells to avoid triggering it/them, if the job is a terrible hassle for crappy benefits, long hours, and low pay, if you spend hours or days wracked with pain or need or strung out after that high....
Is it truly worth it? Are you truly Happier for it? No, not happier...are you Better Off with it?
And "its better than nothing" doesn't count--if it causes more pain or stress, its a negative. Thus, its worse than nothing.
Once you've figured this out, it may be in your best interest to get rid of the stressor. How you do that, I dunno. I'm struggling with my own beast still.
Or not. But eventually...the pain will get to you. You'll fall, hard. Or die. Personally, I'd like to be as happy as I can before that happens...you don't get bonus 'hardship' points for suffering in life.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Nine Inch Nails - Reptilian
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(5 Shots | Crossfire)
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5:36 am - *be's scared*
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4:48 am - yrrch
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So here I am again.
That wonderful feeling of...blackness.
That overwhelming sensation that sucks the life out of me, like a spider leeching the fluids from its prey.
I'm sitting here, and the depression hits like a wave breaking over me. Helpless doesn't do it justice.
I cringe at the thought of another depressive episode...another period of hiding, of lost time.
I should have seen the symptoms. Odd mood swings, increased sensitivity, sleeping 16 hours straight, general fatigue, loss of appetite.
I just want to cry. I feel empty, utterly alone, worthless. I want to find a cause I believe in so I can override my will to live and fulfill that need to accomplish something in death.
Well, maybe not that bad yet. But that's only a few steps away...
Great. Portishead is playing now. That'll improve my mood...at least its not Radiohead.
Hmm...bands ending in '-head' seem to be conducive to melancholy. Probably because I'm not getting any of that. *rimshot*
Not sure why I'm feeling this. My life would appear to be on the mend...got a steady job (if only contract...for now), paying off my bills, I've lost weight (down to 187ish) I'm insured, and I have a sporatic social life. Heck, even my RPG character is doing good for himself.
So why the depression? Why the worthless feelings?
Could be chemical...could just be my unresolved issues. Not like theres any shortage of them.
Of course, I do have some down points to my life. My social life IS sporatic. My love life is...well, odd. I can't seem to go a few weeks without getting a ticket. I still live with parents. My self esteem and image are still shot. I'm still poor insofar as my money is not my own...and won't be for months. My college career is effectively over, since I won't be able to attend in the foreseeable future due to the need to work as much as possible to pay bills. My MCSE studies I can't seem to get to.
In true american fashion, I just want a quick fix. I need medication. I can't afford the doctor visit for another 2 weeks though...and the med won't kick in for another 2 after that. Assuming it even works--most of the meds I've been on I've needed to take at close to max dosage.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I just feel like I'm stuck. Maybe I am stuck.
Maybe I whine too much.
Actually, part of this may be solvable through the time-honored Misery Journey/Drunken Bender/Random Road Trip.
But those are never any fun alone, and the only ones around are completely unable, for one reason or another, to do it. So I'm stuck finding alternatives...or repeating the London debacle.
Which I'd rather not do. Several thousand dollars in debt is all nice and good, but not something I care to repeat without a more healthy bank account.
Anyone have any suggestions for resolving an Early life crisis? "Get a fucking clue" and "grow the fuck up" are not considered valid. Also "Stop yer bitching" and "Shut the Fuck up by Dr Denis Leary" were already tried.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Underworld - 07 - Pearl's Girl
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(2 Shots | Crossfire)
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| Saturday, May 4th, 2002
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3:48 pm - Blatently ripped from Angst Technology...
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"Coder Man, Coder Man,
Gets his powers from a coffee can.
Surfs the Web, all the time,
Catches Bugs so the Code is fine.
Look Out!
Here comes the Coder Man!
Is He Wired? Listen Bud,
He's got Caffeine Addicted Blood!
Can he ditch? Catch a flick?
He can always say he's sick!
Hey There!
There goes the Coder Man!
heheh... Find it here.
current mood: amused
current music: Paul Okenfeld brain bug - Nightmare
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(Crossfire)
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| Friday, May 3rd, 2002
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7:11 am - Its so wrong, but...
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| Saturday, April 27th, 2002
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9:20 pm
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| Friday, April 26th, 2002
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12:17 am - Don't. Mess. With. The. Bunny!
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| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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5:02 am
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...ok, so it turned more into a rant. Oh well, my journal. Deal. =D
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(Crossfire)
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4:59 am - Thoughts and confessions.
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Ok, this isn't a post in the theme of "what can I find wrong with myself."
Its more of "I've been doing some judging lately, so lets focus the light on myself."
Your mileage may vary.
First off, I'll gloss over the obvious: moderate to severe chronic clinical depression, probably a bit of sociopathic tendencies, with perhaps a slight psychotic break with reality now and again. Nothing new in there if you knew me at all.
Next up: Social/performance anxiety. Coupled with a low self image/ego, tends to make things awkward. I have made strides in this one though, to be completely fair. Still a ways to go, but hey, takes time and all that.
Now for personality traits, which I think are more indicative of how I created myself, rather than how I was created--important difference.
I'm ego-centric at times, probably an offshoot of depression, which is very much an egocentric disorder.
I can be arrogant. Especially if its about something I actually know. I try not to sound haughty, but it can be hard. Probably compensation issues there for the large part of the time that I spend quiet and somewhat withdrawn.
Oh yeah, I'm that too. Again, not as bad as I used to be--practice makes perfect. And familiarity with the people around me as well.
Oh, and perhaps my favorite (negative?) quirk, I'm an unrelenting elitist bastard. I like fine wine, exquisite steak, theatre, culture, art, music, and respectable personal achievement.
Especially that last part.
Put simply, people without any form of ambition or desire to better their overall position in life (and not their video game scores) I don't have time for. I'm talking the Real Deal here, not a halfhearted "yeah, wish I could make more money/travel/learn something" while channel surfing. I'm sick to death of couch whales who see nothing wrong with stasis in their own personal gravity wells, as long as they can maintain a minimal existence.
I admit to not having a direction for the better part of the last 4 or 5 years...but I kept moving forward despite that...I've travelled, attempted languages, learned (some) practical and (a lot of) useless/idly interesting information on a wide range of topics, and attempted to live life outside my room when a plan of action was presented. Heck, I even initiated them a decent part of the time.
I've fallen in love, gotten mortally wounded (emotionally), scraped absolute bottom, laughed til I cramped, cried until I was dehydrated. Attempted suicide and attempted enlightenment. I've been a drunk and stopped drinking. Then started again (but not that often). I've been in great shape and a total spud physically (eh, well, nobody's perfect. heh). I've driven 1200 miles in a day for the heck of it, and camped out for total veg sessions with a well-crafted game.
And I'm not done yet. Hell, I've barely started.
Ambition is tasting the adrenaline rush as you step out, alone, in downtown London looking for the ultimate that the best club scene in the world has to offer.
Its making your fortune as you day trade to the penny. Its risking your ass, often for very little tangible gain.
Now before I sound completely like a Dew commercial, I'll sum it: its giving a damn about yourself, and pushing forwards against all odds. Even if you find yourself pushing back.
....then again, the world needs more ditch-diggers, burger flippers, bagboys and restockers. I'm just an elitist bastard, who am I to talk?
current mood:  predatory
current music: Prodigy - Breathe
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(2 Shots | Crossfire)
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| Monday, April 22nd, 2002
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7:20 pm - Joy.
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Yay.
This is me bored.
This is me bored and sitting, watching the monitor, waiting for calls.
Of course, it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to police my net usage...but I can't risk hitting a page with a pr0n banner ad, so I stick to the vanilla stuff.
Which sucks, 'cause Newgrounds is the shiznit for killing time. But they have more, er, adult content than can be safely ignored.
Kids, get your parents permission.
Of course, I could still go and hope for the best, but that would be irresponsible.
current mood:  apathetic
current music: whrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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(Crossfire)
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| Saturday, April 20th, 2002
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4:46 am - Don't you hate it when you forget to sleep?
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..me too.
When all was said and done, I was up for 40 hours straight. Which by itself isn't *too* bad, but considering that the 2 work days that encompasses were sloooooooow and that I had to go to a meeting today (at around hour 33) where some of it related to my job, but then there was a guy up there talking about minor database changes that I'd never see, let alone deal with, for 25 minutes...
DBA's make sick amounts of money.
That doesn't make their work interesting or exciting by a LONG shot. heh.
Especially when you're trying sooooooo hard not to fall over. ick
Thank Dog I had my Emergency Vivarin. Even though it didn't kick in til after the meeting. Oh well, at least my drive home was uneventful.
So I got home, and soon afterwards was in a blissful coma for about 10 hours or so. I feel much better now.
Oh, and everyone dogpile on  denile, she's having a bad day.
*hugs the Dee*
current mood:  content
current music: DJ Encore feat. Engelina - Walking In The Sky
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(Crossfire)
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| Thursday, April 18th, 2002
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4:43 am - On a happier note...
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I spawned another LJ user!
Welcome uberbeff!!
current mood: amused
current music: NIN-Perfect Drug
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(1 Shot | Crossfire)
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| Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
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1:06 am - ....apologies?
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To fully appreciate just why the hell I posted that last one, consider the events of the last week.
1) I'm late for work, 95 is jammed. I try using the car pool lane to attempt to make up some time, but I get nailed for an 80 dollar ticket after the first mile. Meanwhile, the shiny BMW that got in ahead of me is still cruising unmolested.
2) a few days later, I get my taxes done. Which due to the way I got paid on one job, meant that the preparation fee more than doubled to $110. Then the tax deductions didn't work the way I had thought, and instead of breaking even, I owe over $600. Then I get home and a letter from the insurance company, and I owe them another $660.
Friday was fairly decent, I'll give it that.
Then I sleep too much when I don't have anything to do the following day, or I can't sleep, like on Sunday night.
So I go into work with literally no sleep behind me, and email is fucking up, the document servers are fucking up, and the terminal server is, yup, fucking up.
And I get to field all those wonderful calls of people bitching that they can't work. So my happiness quotient is just shooting up.
Then I dash off during lunch to mail off my tax forms, meanwhile hoping that it takes them til Friday to process the check I include so it doesn't fucking bounce.
I don't get a nap or actual food during lunch, so I come back to the same problems with less sleep, less gas, less patience, and more hungry.
Somehow I muddle through work, and drive home. Only, because of all of the above, about 2 miles from home I don't brake in time, and rear end a Mercedes.
My bumper is scratched up. Theirs is dented.
They bitch for a bit.
The cops are called.
The cops take for-fucking-ever to come.
I was at fault, so the process is over fairly quick. I get another fucking ticket.
Then, when all is done, he asks if theres any questions. All throughout this process, they've been walking normal, no big deal.
They ALL start rubbing their FUCKING necks at once. On fucking cue.
Theres a god damn dearth of remotely honest people in the world. My misanthropic tendencies do a little jump. Similar to a HALO jump.
I'm tired. I have MORE fees to pay. I hope my insurance covers this. I hope I don't get sued for what pittance I have. I HATE FUCKING GODAMN PEOPLE. if they want injuries, I could have simply gutted them and strangled them with their own filthy entrails. I could have blown out their goddamn kneecaps and let them crawl to the curb to revel in THAT goddamn injury.
But instead, I am saddled with impotent rage. Which, as any decent book tells you, rapidly becomes either festering rage, or depression. Given my makeup, the latter is all but guaranteed.
So I get home, deny my stepfather's offer of dinner. lock myself in my room and start playing with sharp objects.
I lost consciousness due to extreme fatigue and stress a few practice cuts into it.
So now I've hurt myself. I've hurt the ones I care about/love. I HAVEN'T hurt the people who cause these feelings. I'm an ineffectual human being who is incapable of bringing about the slightest change in his surroundings.
I lose.
As Usual.
And that was my day.
current mood: melancholy
current music: Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
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(5 Shots | Crossfire)
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| Monday, April 15th, 2002
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6:47 pm
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1:13 am - rrarwr
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| Friday, April 12th, 2002
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7:49 pm - Unrelated...
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http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,50104,00.html
Gee, a report released by MADD has bloated and shaky figures on drinking? Whodathunkit?
Yes folks, you too can be paid for logic in making a conclusion along the lines of that since 75% of criminals are male, and males make up half the population, then 37.5% of men are criminals. Now think of how many men you see, and start thinking "jerk...ass...thief!...freak....punk....murderer!...."
Or come to your senses and remember that statistics are meaningless drivel, numbers designed to feed the media sensationalism and have them regurgitate it to spoon feed to the mind-numbed public.
Yeah, I did say that just before dinner time. Suckers!
heehee. Enjoy the image. Revulsion free of charge.
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(Crossfire)
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7:33 pm - ......ow....
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KY....please.....god....KY....make the pain stop.....
After a $120 filing fee ($110 with coupon!), it was determined that, since one of my employers "didn't really" hire me on and paid me like a contractor (no taxes removed from paid income), I owed the IRS a grand total of $614. American dollars. So, in the span of a week, the government has slapped me silly with $800 of limp dick.
No, that's not a good thing.
/me is getting drunk tonight, oh yes.
current mood: sore
current music: Tom Petty - You Don't Know How It Feels
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(1 Shot | Crossfire)
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| Thursday, April 11th, 2002
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4:21 am - I can copy things, too.
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| Wednesday, April 10th, 2002
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10:00 am - My day thus far...
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Got a 78 dollar gift from the Florida Highway Patrol. No points though. *twitch*
So far, not too many people bugging me about stuff...everything thus far has been along the lines of:
Moron #18:"My computer won't turn on."
Me:"ok..try it again"
Moron #18:"Hey, it works now. All I had to do was turn it on/plug it in"
Me:"Yeah. Computers have problems working when you kick the plug out. Dumbass."
Moron #18:"Gee Brian, I'm so sorry to have bothered you. I'm going to smack my head on my desk so I don't bother you further"
Me:"Don't forget to do that on a corner. Thanks for calling."
So beyond that, I'm looking rather busy at my desk alternating between the email program (for its calander) and Excel, so I can "fabricate" my mileage for that contract job I had last year that was so kind as to not take out taxes in my paycheck. So if I can get mileage=money made, I think it'll balance the books for friday (taking half day to get taxes done and then get drunk as a kennedy). Now before I get people screaming "tax fraud!!" (not that any of you care sufficiently to do so, but work with me here), I did actually rack up that kind of mileage, plus or minus a few hundred. I was just too lazy to keep a mileage journal at the time, so now I have to approximate so in case of audit, I can whip out a snazzy spreadsheet of daily miles.
Yar. Well, at least I don't feel like stabbing people in the neck repeatedly with a #2 pencil today. So I guess its an improvement over yesterday.
current mood:  working
current music: RFV - Cinematique channel
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(Crossfire)
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