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mood |
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pissed off |
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music |
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White Stripes - White Blood Cells |
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Want to hear a story? Good. Gather round then, becasue this is a must-read entry...
First off, let me tell you that Blockbuster usually isn't my cup of tea as far as movie rental outlets go, but I've got a friend who works at one, and he's great to use as a screener for movies. All he does really is watch movies, and becasue he gets to rent them for free, and since he's spent 6 years in a 3 year B.A. program at a bad university (Carleton, naturally), you can only imagine that he's seen pretty much every movie not called "Patrick Swayze's Midnight Ballet Boogaloo" or "Ernest Does Something Predictable, Then Gets A Random Body Part Cut Off By A Machine, And Thus Somehow Saves Christmas/Festival/Styx Concert/Pree-school Graduation Party/Orgy". So naturally, when I havn't seen a movie, I'll ask his opinion. He's good that way.
So standing in Blockbuster, me and Gene were going off on all the movies we either liked or hated. Rush Hour 2? hated. The Man Who Wasn't There? loved. Artificial Intelligence? hated. You know how it is. So on and on we're bantering, calling eachother names (as guys usually do), and catching up on good times when all of a sudden, he asks me a question that I'm sure will haunt me for years. The type of question that you will try to put out of your mind, but subconsciously will attack your sanity, leaving you a man of no substance, like a shell walking amongst the other fleetingly short lived carcases of past experience.
"Dude, have you seen Lost And Delirious?"
Now, I thought this was an innocent question, so I inquired about his momentary object of affection. "No... is it any good?" "Are you kidding? It's about Lesbians, man. Lesbians"
At this point, I should have seen a flashing red light, warning me of what was to come. He's a guy, the movie had lesbians. Naturally, he'll reccomend it.
Wait, for the female readers reading, let me explain a rather important point to the story. Guys like lesbians. Or more accurately, most guys like lesbians. It's one of those taboo things... I can best explain it as something we know we can never, ever have, which naturally only makes us want it more. Plus, there's the whole double everything involved, but mostly it's us guys trying to think we are actually needed in the sex act(which sadly, in most cases, we're not). Girls-on-girls is mysterious to us. Have you gals ever seen us tinker with gadgets? It's becasue we want to know why. It's a big facination with us. Now, introduce sex and women into that equation, and you've pretty much got the Triumvirate Of Everything A Guy Ever Cared About. Anyways, now that you've indulged us, let's get back to the story.
He starts talking about plot lines (and ladies) and characters (who are all ladies), and how "that one chick from Coyote Ugly is in it" and the whole time I'm wondering why he's not saying anything about the quality of the movie itself. But I disregard it, becasue usually he's got great taste in the cinematic arts. So I rent it.
Whoo boy.
Basically, this was the worst thing I've ever seen. Aside from the fact that everyone in the movie couldn't act their way into a puppet show, it was a sad day in film history. It was as though twelve heterosexual aging film producers sat in a room and decided that since being gay is "hip", they would make a movie. But wait, that's been done... let's mae a lesbian love story. Yay! So being as detached from the real world as they could possibly be, they hired some Film Studies dropout to hack together some script that sounded as though it were the love child of a bad Highschool Production of "Romeo & Juliet" and a 13 year-old's dream journal. But, you know, about lesbians.
And the shit they tried to make you believe! Piper Perabo! Good God! "look, I'm fencing without a mask at a private girls school! Aren't I such a lesbian?" "We sleep in the same bed! We're such good Lesbians. We even kiss sometimes! We're so Indy and risquee!!!" "Hey, I'm nurturing an sick eagle I found with my amazing mutant Lesbian healing powers!"
Jesus fucking christ, this is some petty slap in the face to the gay community. I think so, and I'm not even a member of the goddamned gay community! I mean, would someone in Hollywood have the fucking balls to produce a movie that doesn't have to hit every stereotype raw with it's attempted "hip" feel? According to pop-culture, all lesbians: are artists, show angst, wear goofy-ass sandals, hate men, think they're not lesbians/then think they are/then are confused/then think they're lesbians but with hesitation/then are convinced by some great heroic or tragic act that they really were lesbians all along. Maybe someone could make a movie with a plot and dialogue where the characters just happen to be lesbians?!? I mean, not every movie with lesbians in it has to be solely about the fact that they like T&A; as much as I do. Damn, that gets old, fast.
Oh, and the movie was Canadian. Maybe that should have been the first sign that it wasn't going to be any good.
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