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Monday, October 8th, 2001
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8:01 pm - Back on track
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Wow it's been long time no see for me and my journal!
I just have the most fantastically strange life, a new experience everyday! This week I have mostly been experiencing an underactive thyroid gland! I get to take lots of ickle hormone tablets to make me all happy and normal, yay!
I am fed up of moping and feeling depressed so i've focused on my artwork and happy things like friends and jelly beans.
I'd like to announce how fed-up I am about these so-called "alternative individuals" that think it's all about the look and the music... and the drugs (this is not relative to all alternative individuals just the ones that piss me off and since this is my rant i can say what i like anyway).
Don't get me wrong the occasional spliff is fine in my book but hardcore drugs and addiction seems to be eating the people raw around here, it's like a particulary bad scene of the undead.
The rock clubs have become so bitchy, but then they have always had the essence anyway, maybe it's all those strong anti-social individual personalities but it aint much fun, if they were truly alternative individuals with any intellect surely they'd realise that wearing any clothes is part of a trend anyway and unless they fancy making every day a naked day or wearing their pants on their head instead of where they should be then they face conforming to a trend anyway and how far do they intend on going with this whole trend thing anyway?, refusing to sleep because everyone else does?
I'm just fed up of the bitchyness from people who really should know better, guess it's time i got a new job.
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| Monday, April 30th, 2001
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11:41 pm - story about a story about a girl
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hmmm, boyfriend, makes me feel nice, like we have been together 4 ages.
Wild night out last weekend, much drugs, drink, sex and party.
Not bad.
So I have teeth out on Thursday, they're delaying the art exam for me to Tuesday, how nice.
I read a paragraph in my psychology textbook today by a guy called Kelly, it was Kelly's construct theory that grabbed me, the basic principle being that we only see the world through our own individual experiences rather that perceiving the actual reality of the world, in this way their are millions of individual, unique alternative universes, different for each one of us, and in these we are only concious of what we want to see. I think this 'real' world is probably what the buddahs seek in search of enlightenment but then again I may be wrong, I am not entirely sure why but I really was quite taken by Kelly's view, albeit a not entirely original one.
current mood:  complacent
current music: incubus, stellar
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2001
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9:55 pm - Oh shit.
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Today it finally hit me, hard.
I got a post from juno that has really homed it in for me. It has hit me with a harsh reality that I have been avoiding for a while.
I really noticed it on Wednesday when I had my first appointment with a new councellor, it was fucking insane, the topic of conversation made me sound somewhat like a pig-headed fascist and I really cannot believe what I said, it wasn't me talking.
Suffice to say I won't be going back.
I did not really mean any of what I said to juno, what I did say was condicending, patronising and above all hypocritical, I haven't been a nice person of late, or maybe I never have at all and have only just realised it.
My teasing and so-called "helpful" advice is most likely due to me avoiding my own inadequaces and fears, I am not really "getting" at juno, or whoever else, more using it as a route to get to myself. This sounds selfish because it IS. I don't care about saying this now because I have hurt people already and i'd rather be honest anyway. I do not like who I have become anymore than who I was, I am not going to allow myself to dwell on this, to be honest I am dangerously close to the verge of a nervous breakdown, I do not want sympathy. I am going to use this new critisism for it's true purpose, to improve myself.
All I can say is that I am deeply and sincerly sorry and I realise this is going to mean nothing until I put into practise what I have said.
Fuck, I don't even take careful critisism well, optimism.
There just aren't enough apologies to account for me.
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| Tuesday, March 20th, 2001
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10:26 am - the following a letter to my friend from me.
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wow, i can see you point about fate, i had forgotten i wrote about that, none of it seems relevant to me anymore, i'm now more inclined to believe that we just exist, i tried to stop asking these questions a while ago as i never much liked my answers., the book is not what i think exactly, more a collection of musings or possible ideas, i have considered alot. I agree with you about the real vampires, they drain other peoples energy, blood sucking vampires DO exist, in the form of mentally disturbed individuals who *wish* they were immortal. Such darkness in people disturbs me, maybe.
Alot of what I reside in is just fantsy, for a short while a topic may captivate me briefly and i will write about it fact or fiction, I have forgotten many such things now.
It seems to me, this may be relevant to you now that on the grand scale of things (i always assume i may not make it to tomorrow) alot of what happens to us in day-2-day life is irrelevant, life does go on, it has to and we do cope, the only thing that blocks us is our feelings, rendering us incapable at times.
I'm sorry if I appear disconnected at times I have learnt to severe some of the less extreme emotions, life would be unbearable if i didn't. The truth is none of can comprehend how others feel, never know exactly what goes on behind closed doors, and because people cope in different ways it is sometimes almost impossible to tell. The strongest person may be dying inside. For this reason we tend towards treating people as we see them, as i'm sure you experienced with jake, some people need more than they admit to.
I cannot tell you what or how to think, I must admit I would never ever want to that to me, would be truly horrible. I can only tell you what I think and hope that you may value my opinion in the trust that I may just know what I am talking about.
I don't know if you will get the point of this letter, i confess it is a little confused, there is alot i want to be able to tell you, but you know this has never been my strongest point, whatever i say it will not come out right and you will not react in a way i will expect and this will scare me.
The truth when I tell it has a tendancy to be pretty brutal, if you want, i can tell you my version and you may never speak to me again, not just by what i say but by the nature in which i say it, that is me, i warn you now i cannot help how i say things. Alternately i can tell you what i think you want to hear, possibly what you need to hear, but this is something that is done to us all everyday to stop us from rebelling against the real truth.
Helen I am truly sorry, I really am, it appears in me, you have a raving lunatic of a friend, i pity you if you have read all this because by now you are probably suffering from mild concussion.
Shit.
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12:22 am - ME ME ME ME ME !!!!
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NAME: Nikki...that's it!
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Wherever I happen to fall asleep or wake up ;)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS?: They shouldn't be messed with.
YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?: I don't like tv.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?: A Rodney Matthews picture, my mouse and my right hand.
FAVORITE MAGAZINE?: Kerrang or metal hammer I guess.
FAVORITE SMELLS?: Sweet flowers, haylage.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: guilt.... most definately.
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: feeling loved
FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK?: the crow...how cliche, sorry.
FAVORITE MOVIES?: Dark crystal, Labryinth, the crow, the matrix, some wonderful old french movies, too many good movies to name.
FAVORITE TOWN/CITY TO VISIT: Bristol, cause it feels like a secong home :) awwww
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: sleeping, talking, eating, art, and sexual stuff. not necessarily in that order.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING: What the FUCK was that dream about?.
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?: only on rolly ferries.
ROLLER COASTERS-SCARY OR EXCITING?: more, more, more!
PEN OR PENCIL?: pencil, it can be rubbed out.
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?: depends on my mood.
FUTURE SON'S NAME: ewww.... i don't want more of my genetic material floating about! (sorry chris i liked that answer)
FUTURE DAUGHTERS NAME: see above, damnit!
FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR: cookies and cream
LIKE TO DRIVE: no.
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?: only when i can't find any living ones to fulfill my fantasies...
DOGS OR CATS?: what am i blaming them for?
DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMALS?: a cat and a pointy-nosed lion, they told us it was a rough collie dog when they sold it to us, i know the truth.
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: me.
WHAT IS YOUR SIGN?: baaaa ARIES, trust me to be a fucking sheep.
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET AND/OR WRITER?: Benjamin Zephania and still Roald Dahl, they don't have to be complex to be magical.
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?: they wouldn't cook them if they weren't edible.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: a proffesional bum.
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: metallic blue.
WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: a 7 foot dolphin i painted, marilyn manson and kurt cobain, various bits of my art.
THE BEACH OR THE MOUNTAINS?: mountains, so i can look down on all you insignificant mortals! ha ha ha ha ha ...
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: is the glass mine?
ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS?: mostly righty but mr.lefty is useful too.
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?: carpent, secret draw stuff , a bos of rainbow rice puffs and an ikea shelf (collapsed)
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?: I like all colours, though not all at once.
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: I stole this from Chris, he is the best commander of rabid squirrels i know.
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| Monday, March 19th, 2001
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11:07 pm
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I thought maybe I would write a story for adam aka rehab_doll, i dunno why i just feel like it :P
Once upon a time (all good stories start like this by the way) there was a boy who could see the stars during the day and he could hear the thoughts of all the people during the night.
Sometimes at night, he would hear the thoughts of some people and they would upset him, for these were not the happy thoughts of happy people but the all too familiar cries of desperate beings who felt misplaced and abused. People who no longer were able to succumb happily to a place in society, people who thought and were creative but were trapped by their own conciousess.
For each of these people, when daylight came the boy would set out to find them, and he would reach up and pluck a star from the sky, invisible in his hands he would blow softly and the stardust would sprinkle a tiny piece of universe magic in that persons eyes, better than a perfect drug, they would see the world through new eyes, because they had been kissed by stars.
These sad people began to see new hope in themselves utilising their creativiy to escape their mental prisons, no brainwashing, for these people had not lost anything, merely they felt worth something, soon the boy realised he no longer had to pluck stars from the sky as the power of his own speech could be enough, he wrote beautiful texts, philosophical and fictional, a strange boundry between reality and his own subconcious and though he did not show the whole truth he showed the people what was beautiful and truly amazing and they agreed.
And for a short while they remembered the boy who touched the stars, but at night the voices would start again and soon the boy knew there was just not enough stars in the sky.
Sorry if this was a bit morbid adam, i will write you a nice one next.
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10:41 pm - ggl, it's been a long time...
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I guess i'll get pics up here eventually....
It's been a while, I've grown up considerably in the past coupla weeks, major issues to deal with, it's amazing how fragile the strongest people can be, and vice versa.
I was there for a special friend this week when she needed me most, that felt good, that I could help.
Sometimes I wish that when I close my eyes and my imaginary world flashes before me, that it then appears in an exact painting before me, a painting with my mind.
Look ma, no hands!
I have been dissapearing recently, behind a wall of other peoples troubles, sometimes i do this and hide here, I don't get noticed so much that way. My troubles are all for me, i guard them jealously, you can't just tell anyone your real troubles, they would be devalued, and you would get worse.
I don't want this to be another mopey post in the midst of millions, there needs to be some clarity here, this week I learned that i am strong, stronger than i ever thought possible.
Also i discovered i don't need pyschopathic 26 year old boyfriends with a kid, even if they are gorgeous and extremely flattering.
Best thing i said this week:
"Ha! I'm too good for you" (yes I ACTUALLY said that to afore-mentioned guy whilst in a drunken stupor) hah hah, oooo i can be such a bitch....
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| Thursday, March 1st, 2001
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12:25 pm - WHEEEEEEEE!!!
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I'M BACK!!!
yipee, woo hoo, and all that sorta stuff.
I have been sat on my arse in the alps with a plank of wood strapped to my feet for a week, now i'm back and i'm focused.
I hope every1 has had a great week, especially all u LJ users, I would luv to send u all a huge hug, so I will, *HUG*
I have totally rearranged my room now, i'm trying to be, *ggl* minimalist! (YEAH RIGHT)
but i do now have a hunky huge wall space for my next mural....any ideas???
If I strapped wooden blocks to my feet would I be safer from lightning???
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| Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
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11:20 pm - Lordy lordy....
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I despair with this whole malarky I really do, my dear nan sent me the oblig chocs and a £20 squid note which was very doody, who cares who it's from? I love my nan *chokes on vomit*
Thought that was it 4 today but in the middle of psychology *it would be* I got a valentines day text message from Chris, even though I don't like valentines day I was very excited to get a message, I am a fool.
I wore my florescent binmans jacket to school to brighten the place up a little, one of the caretakers nearly gave me a spade, everyone else just laughed, mission accomplished.
My ski trip hoodie came, bloddy wockked! it has the no.18 and 'munkey' on the back.
Fandabbydocious!
current mood:  chipper
current music: I saw a mouse! where? there on the stair, where on the......
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| Friday, February 9th, 2001
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12:14 am - ODE TO MY EXCECUTIONER
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Swiftly delve into my mind,
A touch I feel that is so kind,
A stroke, a kiss, that soft caress,
The feeling holds a soft duress,
Tremors quaking deep inside,
Waves that flow I cannot hide,
Knowledge washes round my brain,
My lust for life it tries to drain,
The blood you beat out with your fists,
Is slowly spurting from my wrists,
Wrapped in darkness as I groan,
A soft, unspoken, murmering moan,
Yet through this pain you've set me free,
The only thing I've feared,
Is me.
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| Thursday, February 8th, 2001
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11:42 pm - My princess
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Standing to face the window the warm breeze rushed against her face and swept back her hair. A single crystal tear coursed down her soft pink cheek. She heard the door creak slowly shut behind her and the resounding pulse of heavy footsteps encircle her. She did not even flinch as a cold shadow passed through her as if she were just a pale, translucent stain on a photostill. The shadow was cast by an enourmous black wing belonging to the figure that no human had gazed upon and survived unaffected and was now directly behind her.
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| Tuesday, February 6th, 2001
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11:47 pm - Why does sleep take evasive measures against me?
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It's another late night, ah the bain of insomnia.
I was cleaning today when a thought struck me, I realised I do not feel bettered by anyone, I know I could be better than anyone superior if I really tried because I have the capacity to do that. 'Trying' really being the key here. I know it sounds terribly egotistical of me to even think such a thing I know, but why should it not be true, if I don't act upon it does it count? And is it worthless anyway as I face the possibility that in reality I am not that capable and I am deceived by my own imagination?
Also if one more person tells me I'm "destined for great things" I will personally strangle them to death with my pants, it may never happen, what right have they to condemn me to probable failure so soon?
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| Monday, February 5th, 2001
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7:11 pm - Taken for granted?
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It seems life really can end suddenly. I arrived at school today to the news that year9 girl had been run over and killed on the portbury hundred after stepping off a bus on Saturday evening.
Her name was Melissa Murphy, a good frine, Pebble was a witness to the accident.
All the year 9 kids were in total shock today, everywhere you looked sat bunches of grieving kids, for fairly small community it was a massive shock.
I am widely unaffected by this incident however it has made me realise just how easy it is to die even in this so-called 'safe' society.
Events like this make me even more determined to make a success of my own life, i feel I owe it to people like Melissa who never had the chance.
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| Sunday, February 4th, 2001
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7:21 pm - oh what a day...
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Woke up at 1.30pm, whoops, had to leg it to the bus stop to get to Bristol ASAP, I hate that library, found some good vampy books though and there's a nice goth librarian called Kiara and we moaned about the lack of 'alternative' nightclubs in Bristol.
I really must stop randomly talking to people, even the tramps think i'm strange.
Woke a guy up on the bus today, we were at the stop together and he stood out in the rain smoking, he was getting sodden but there was a pained look in his eyes, I wanted to call to him to stand under the shelter or give him my umbrella but I knew that look, it was the look of desolate desperation when you become so confused and numb you cause yourself discomfort in the vain hope it will jolt you back to reality, I felt a desperate need to comfort him. Anyway he came and sat close to me on the bus, i saw him drop off so I woke him gently, I've fallen asleep before, missing your stop isn't much fun.
I feel more alive now, I think I am getting better. Adam aka rehab doll seems much happier now, I hope things are going ok for him, on the subect of Juno, she seems ok and I hope things are going fine for her too.
I nearly gave in to my urge to pretend to be a small gnome today, i wanted to roll about on the pavement in my sole defiance of a pre-emptive reality, however I realised people don't always recieve that sort of thing too well and i don't fancy ending up joblesss bacause it is widely acknowledged that I should be in a mental institution.
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| Saturday, February 3rd, 2001
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12:53 am - wiggle wiggle
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Spoke to JP for the first time in ages today, feel really guilty having left it so long. He's another precious gem that's too obsessed with self-loathing to realise his true worth.
I will never fully understand him but I like that, I hope we don't lose contact for such a long time again.
Whenever I talk to him I feel like I just wanna give him a big hug, because I understand at least a borderline of the pain he feels and I feel drawn to him to alleviate it.
I hope no stupid bitch ever fucks him up too much by being careless with him. I've seen it happen to many times, amongst friends as well, it's time girls started registering the fact that guys have emotions as well. I'm a natural born worrier and I worry for him and all my friends as everyone seems so stricken with grief and depression right now, none of them seem to reckon how unique and special they really are.
Hmm angels on your body to you all.
current mood:  worried
current music: tippity tap of keys
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| Friday, February 2nd, 2001
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7:16 pm - Oh the agony....
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Actually I'm much better thank-you, never before been this ill in my life! Well I have had the chance to stay in bed all week, there's a novelty for you.
The only downside being that whenever I feel like jumping about a bit (as I invariably often do) I get very tired and fall asleep quite suddenly, now I realise many would just contribute this to being an average lazy-bum teenager but it is starting to get quite annoying.
I FEEL SO SUPRESSED!!!
LOL
I played with the pointy nosed lion a bit to day, I realised I actually quite like the dog, if that's what he really is, we were told he was a dog when we bought him but he's so non-descript I do sometimes wonder...
Am I the only person with truly weird pets? My parents are considering taking the dog to see a psychiatrist of sorts because that is definately NOT doggy behaviour.
I feel so isolated, I pine for human company, Jen came to see me today which was really nice, we are going to have mucho fun in Austria, we've even planned to go hiking soon, maybe this summer if the weather holds, the problem is she's just too damn fit, a bloody professional runner for christ's sake, I just don't have that level of commitment! I THINK I WILL COMMENCE A 'MAKE JENNY FAT' PROGRAM!!!! *evil laugh*
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| Saturday, January 27th, 2001
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3:06 pm - dooby dooby doo
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Long time since I was here, manson was AMAZING, got my watch signed by disturbed frontman David Draiman, spoke to him he's lovely! *he liked my gestapo glove ;)*
I PULLED in the mosh pit *front row* I swear the weirdest fucking things happen to me, i mean i couldn't even move.
Hung round after cause i lost my boot strap :( but i got a load of twiggy's plectrums given to us by the security bloke, also had my photo taken so I could appear in a magazine near you soon! *I was chosen because of my contacts and make-up, i looked like a ziggy stardust half-breed!*
Spent last night at Kate's it was cool, we ordered pizza at 11.30 and watched tv, I've never really had a good chance to really CHAT to her before, I like her lots.
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| Monday, January 22nd, 2001
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10:19 pm - Slider?
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Mmmm, if only there were more hours in the day.
Spent today buying nice little things for the manson gig on wednesday, black hair pieces and a red brassiere from the charity shop at £1.50, I really go all out on my spending sprees! :D
I know Juno's at the Manson gig now, it's hard to imagine what fun they must be having, oh well I get to do my homework today, yay.
Occasionally life seems like it may just turn out ok. Sometimes I feel no emotions. Both feelings are nice but also a little disturbing, i feel removed and disillusioned. I really want to paint, a picture just for me, it seems i never have time anymore.
It would be cool if i could just walk up to people, place my hands over their eyes and heal them of all their internal pain, that would make me like jesus wouldn't it?
Helen and I discussed the possibility of Jesus the provider of the people actually being jesus the provider of many hallucinogenic drugs for the people.
Think about it, someone gives you mushrooms and tells you they can turn water into wine you're hardly likely to argue. Also a person suffering joint pain may have been given weed by Jesus, we were really hoping this gets proved one day so we can sit back and have a good laugh because then all these people would actually have been worshiping drugs, I think the irony would kill me before the hysteria.
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| Sunday, January 21st, 2001
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10:12 pm - Woooooooooaaaaa h yea!
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Got me some wolf eye contact lenses, ran round being freaky.
Went to college green, was tres boring, so drank lots of wine, homeless dude gave us a bottle opener, i LOVE the bristol tramps, they're so nice.
Some skater punk kids stole at least 10 METRES of industrial bubble wrap from a building site, proceeded to wrap 1 kid up and they hit him with sk8boards and poles and stuff but he didn't get hurt,i wrapped my bin up and sat on it, then Helen lay on it and we dragged her down park street.
LOL we are such a bunch of stupid, drunk gothy kids!
Lost one of mum's leather gestapo gloves, we'd been having fun interrogating each other.
Bubble wrap thing was kinda surreal...
I had a very bad nightmare, first people were stabbing my cat with a pitchfork (townies) and when I started beating them and telling them to stop they laughed.
Worse nightmare I kept seeing little boys get run over until one fell off the back of a motor bike and was severed in half a metre away from me, his gut and stuff were hanging out but he was still screaming and alive and the looks in his eyes...
The police then had to pick up the lower half of his body and slopped it on a tray right next to me and the officer rolled his eyes at me as if to say "he doesn't have a chance of living now, what were they playing at?"
I am very disturbed, I know it will come back to me again later and i won't be able to sleep.
FUCK
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| Friday, January 19th, 2001
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7:22 pm - Beautiful creatures
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And so this beautiful creature, shimmering ivory skin, crystal blue eyes and giant silken wings, glittering in the moonlight took my hand and whispered in my ear, "The truth is what YOU perceive it to be"
Ahving as happy time, I think i'm gonna go make Jen a birfday cake, I'm good at that an i think she'll like it, I gave her a little knitted finger turtle called Eudoch (U-doc), you stick your finger up his butt and there is a pained expression on his face, lol, I know Jen will like it cause we got through our science exam using little sperm sketches to illustrate all the effects of fossilisation and oil production and the nitrogen cycle.
I think i will make it chocolate.
The turtle is from Africa so i dood good for charity too. Have to call Chris back, I luv him he's great. I wonder if i should put candles and stuff on it? Might be too much maybe? i'm wondering if i should wear full make-up for marilyn manson on wednesday, i should have my cats eye contacts by then.
I may just get jen another present as well, she's great, I think i'm gonna go call her now.
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