Rebecca Queen of the Hobos' LiveJournal Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Rebecca Queen of the Hobos [ website | Web Sass Yo Ass ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

i just wish everybody made sense [12 Mar 2002|05:01pm] Really, is it too much to ask for people to be normal & honest? I feel like, I feel like I am so frikken honest & trustworthy. Okay I definetly have my faults, of course, I'm not always the most considerate person & i'm probably way too self-involved. but I don't fucking lie... I don't mislead people... I'm not preying on people or doing anything fucked up. Just straight-forward plain ole becca. I just hate this feeling of nervousness, realizing that the world isn't like me. I trust so much sometimes, because I want to. i want it to be simple. I'm not stupid, I have good instincts, but I don't always want to listen to them. 1 comment|post comment

this is unprecedented [09 Mar 2002|07:18pm] so, i totally rawk. I've been invited to TWO things tonight, by two SEPERATE people, and like neither one was my roommate. Woo i'm poopular. *dances a jig* of course, now i have to decide what to wear... 6 comments|post comment

my lil image [09 Mar 2002|03:34pm] actually i didn't turn in that version but I like it mucho, here's two I did turn in: post comment

doot doot [09 Mar 2002|05:02am] [ mood | awake ] it's early.. i like this whole go to be early wake up early thing.. but then on the other hand i worry that i'm gonna be a party pooper in ny, hehe. so i've decided, monumentally, not to diet. For a long while at least. if you've read my recent posts you might have an idea that I've never really been "in touch" with or accepting of my body. I mean there have been times when i was more or less accepting.. when i was with kev & jor I was pretty accepting. but I don't think it should be dependent on having a guy or having sex! ya know? I really feel that I will start eating "better" as i get more "in touch." First of all i think i need to reach a fundamental acceptance of myself, fat, thin, whatever. Cheesy, but i'm okay because i'm okay. I have started to really reject the notion of "perfection" as applicable to the human body. In a sense i think we're all perfect... So this has been my mindset ever since monday I guess. It's scary though, it's scary to be allowing myself to eat whatever... i mean, what if, god forbid, I gain weight?!?! of course that's the point, that it would be okay.. but at the same time I don't WANT it to be okay. I still, currently, conceive of myself getting thinner, at least some time in the future... and if i were to get heavier that would just make it harder.. so yes i'm very torn.. it's hard to start accepting to take that plunge for several reasons, because 1) there are actual health consequences to being fat! especially in my case with my family history of diabetes... 2) there's actual societal punishment.. people treat you different & guys tend to be less interested, etc. So hell yeah it's scary not dieting... but the truth of the matter is that dieting never has really gotten me any where... the most i've lost is about 15 lbs always to gain it back. Since monday i HAVE been eating a fair amount of crap, but in a lot of ways it's less crap than before because i haven't had the same urge to binge... i actually stop eating when i'm not hungry any more... (usually ;o) I've actually been paying attention to the energy that food gives me.... like for example i've been having donuts for breakfast... well those things just kill me energy wise.. i definetly feel it... & not enough veggies make me feel kinda blah. I think i'm in a feelign out phase... just really starting to listen to what my body needs & wants... I think I will settle down into healthier patterns. So that's the one thing, i've also been trying to get back on top of school & other crap.. well it's going okay.. i guess. Strange thing, I was working on some posters for my dig photo class & I couldn't decide which one i would turn in.... so i made a poll about it at the forumz. well anyways, a lot of people were SUPER positive about my posters, and two of them offered to BUY copies if i were selling!! woah. I wasn't expecting that at all. I ended up turning in three versions & my prof was very impressed too (it's such a weird thing to make a professor say "wow.") Anyways, i'm going to get a swollen head, lol. I dunno it's very nice but strange to get this kind of feedback. I think my art is one of the few places that I've been experiencing "flow" lately.. i really want to get more "flow" in my life... flowy things in my life: making out/sex (although my pesky brain does tend to get in the way sometimes!!) weight lifting... dancing art well i've been in flow academically in the past esp w/ my ling interests but that was a little rare piano hmmmm... well interesting. i can't believe i'm graduating in less than three months.. may 19th... it's weird to think this chapter of my life will be over. No more living on campus with all the people close around. No more being subject to the choices of the dining hall & at the same time no more ease of no cooking and cleaning. No more papers (okay i bet i'm wrong on that one!) No more being supported by mommy & daddy.. this will probably the biggest shock to the system... i'm used to spending my money on "non-essentials" like books & travel... now i'm going to have to actually care.. i guess it's good... but scary of course. yeep. maybe i should stay in school another year! ;) i think my mom would have my head hehe. 1 comment|post comment

[07 Mar 2002|10:58am] Which tarot card are you? post comment

[05 Mar 2002|06:51am] it feels good to cry post comment

me & my body [05 Mar 2002|06:36am] I just wrote an essay. About something I realized today in my body image group. We were asked to do a relaxation exercise, asked what our bodies felt like... i don't feel my body. I don't have a body. Some of the girls were talking about when they were younger & didn't worry about their bodies.. they used them for what bodies are meant for.. running around, playing.. I dont' remember a time when I felt my body was okay. Woman without a body I grew up fat. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t aware of my size. I always knew that there was something wrong with me. I was never a girl who felt comfortable in her skin. There was nothing to tell me that I was okay, that some girls are fat. I was like all the other kids, I ate a normal amount of food and ran around the playground. I did dance and acrobatics and tennis. But I was fat, and fat was wrong, and it was my fault. I didn’t understand why, but I knew that was the truth. I have never been thin. I have been thinner, but even then I conceived myself as fat. Except, that’s not true, I wasn’t fat either. I was always in a temporary space, I was going to lose 10, 20, 50 pounds. This body I dragged along was just temporary. Not my own. This fat body wasn’t the real me. I’ve never been fat. I’ve never been thin. I’ve never had a body I felt was mine. I don’t have a body. Glimpses of my body only come when I lose my thinking self to motion and emotion. Perhaps that’s why I enjoy sex so much. Because my flesh becomes real. I feel and use and enjoy this body and it isn’t wrong. I’m not invisible any more. I used to be afraid of the mirror, afraid of seeing myself. I’ve forced through that fear. I used to be afraid of the world realizing I was fat, realizing I thought I was fat. I was afraid of the word, I was afraid of the truth. I’ve forced through that fear. A few months ago I made a series of portraits of myself nude, done by looking into the bathroom mirror. I had to look and really see this body presented to myself in the glass. I had to record what I saw, who I saw. I put these drawings on display for the world to see me, to see how I saw me. I thought it would be powerful. I thought it would change me. But it didn’t change that the body I drew wasn’t my own. It was the body in the mirror. The body that the world sees. But it wasn’t my own. Because I don’t have a body. I’ve read a lot of books about overcoming compulsive overeating. The good ones all emphasize learning to feel your own hunger. Learning to let your body decide what it needs. But I don’t have a body to listen to. I stuff myself and I starve myself because I’m invisible to myself. I’m not okay and I’m not real. I am disjoint, a floating head, a vague embarassment, invisible. post comment

yay [04 Mar 2002|01:31pm] so i'm getting excited again about my trip to New York, except for the damn nuke stuff, grrr... anyways so yes, another friend has climbed abord the "get together with becca" train. I will be going for lunch & a BIG FAT ICE CREAM sundae with my friend Maryam who I met this past summer at the linguistics institute. She's awesome (and preggers!! yeep!) I will also get a chance to see the ling dept at NYU... who knows, someday I might be going there, they actually have a pretty good dept for what i'm interested in (although I still hold UPenn up tops) of course my chances of getting in at any of these schools, well we assume them to be crappy hehe. post comment

so i'm taking a break [04 Mar 2002|11:27am] i've decided to take some time off the whole "online" thing... i just want my time back, dammit!! So yes basically I won't be posting any more, that's the main thing. Well maybe keep an eye on mod squad and my solution group. I'll still check e-mail & probably keep some journals. My e-mail is rwilson@pomona.edu if anybody wants to talk to me, and if you have my phone number, well you know I love getting calls, at least if i leave the freakin ringer on. Anyways, this break will be at least past Spring break.. then we'll see from there... post comment

wow I sound like such a ditz, cool :P [04 Mar 2002|03:12am] so.... i had a miserable three days... thursday night until this afternoon was just a complete and utter wreck... all because I was procrastinating on my paper. you don't even want to KNOW!! omg, it's embarassing just thinking about it. The one good thing is that I went out and got drunk last night and dressed up and had a grand ole time. I almost didn't because of el paper, but I knew it would be a good idea. And it was. I did finish the paper too, although I'm not sure it's anything spectacular... should get me higher than a C though, and that's what I need. but bah.. the whole thing is just... bah.. discouraging because if the rest of the semester is the same... bah.. Now, the honest to goodness truth is that this is all completely in my power. I keep making crap ass decisions and end up procrastinating and being miserable for hours upon hours, but they are decisions I make. it's just frustrating as all hell because I *want* to make the rigth decision, but I don't, and I just feel mired here. Like, am I really just a lazy chick who will never amount to anything? Oh well... I need to just keep at it, I guess. Bah. So anyways the nice thing today was that a friend called me & we talked for a couple of hours. This friend had an issue that required some advice. Y'all may know that I'm kinda alone here at school, and one of my big things is feeling unimportant... so yeah, it was damn nice being trusted & feeling like I had some sort of meaningful role to play.. plus I just enjoy talking to this person, hehe. Oh & I got to pretend that I actually knew something about something ;) Oh & also, I think I've caught the love bug again. What with my roomie being all lovey dovey with Mike, that adorable thread in OIT about long term relationships, & rubbing up against guys in crowded areas at dances, I can't help it!! I want to fall in love! Uggh.. I mean I don't really mind but it seems pointless & hopeless here at school. I mean I'm gonna be gone pretty soon anyways, but moreover nothing ever happens at school. I can count on one hand the number of hook-ups and almost hook-ups over the course of three years! *sigh* Oh well I can listen to Beatles "All the Lonely People." post comment

shocking!! [28 Feb 2002|09:12pm] Take the 'Which Denter Are You?' Quiz! by pretty dark 2 comments|post comment

yes but just me taking this test indicates otherwize ;) [28 Feb 2002|06:01pm] Are you Addicted to the Internet? 51%    Average@Internet-User.com (41% - 60%) You seem to have a healthy balance in your life when it comes to the internet and life away from the computer. You know enough to do what you want online without looking like an idiot (most of the time). You even have your own Yahoo club or online journal! But you enjoy seeing your friends and going out to enjoy life away from your computer. The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Stvlive.com! 2 comments|post comment

[27 Feb 2002|11:30pm] I want to post this now so that it will be here for me to read again, so that maybe I won't forget. I saw a film today and saw a great woman. A woman who was tortured, whose people's oppression and repression was funded by our tax dollars. This woman fights, she doesn't bullshit around, she doesn't waste her time being divise, she brings people together to fight against all the crap in the world. I was just reading a topic at the forums. About how much Alicia Keys sucks. Some people were pretty damn adament. All I can think is what fucking bullshit. To spend your time arguing over the most petty things, getting worked up over some artist getting recognition you don't think she deserves. Everybody around me is caught up in their little intrigues. Little squables. Angry at so and so. People who should be fighting the same cause fight against each other because they don't know anybody or they get trapped in the details. Or it just seems easier. It's all just so much bullshit & nothing is going to change if we continue to allow ourselves to be entangled in this crap. The beauty industry wants us hating our bodies, vying for more attractive than the next girl or guy, rather than questioning the notion that our main goal in life should be tinkering with our body. That perfection is an ideal in any way applicable to bodies... bodies that should be strong and allow us to do meaningful things, but instead we shrink ourselves into weakness and do nothing meaningful at all. Just obsess. I get angry when I see people yelling at each other about political issues, people who genuinely want to change things but are immobalized by satanizing rivals instead of finding common ground. It's the perfect way to keep the people ineffective, pit us against each other. I get upset with myself, because all of this rules me too, to varying degrees. I've been shown things in the world I do not wish to tolerate, but seconds later I forget and am lulled back into my passive world where my greatest worries are my weight and completing an in-depth analysis of a fucking poem. post comment

Happy Journal :) + Solution [27 Feb 2002|08:18am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | No Woman no Cry ] what I want to accomplish today... well I have french @ 1:15 and I want to spend as much time as possible preparing before-hand. It's kinda fun working to trance though and getting all "speedy" work-hardy.. and maybe I'll cheat and use my NEW & WONDERFUL workout cd c/o the wonderful G-masta funk. Anyways I'm having trouble getting started though... and it's actually been four hours just about since I woke up and the most i've accomplished is getting breakfast. Okay so lets see the fact of the matter is that I want to do decent on this french paper & not have to sacrifice my new found getting to sleep at a reasonable time dealy to do so. I have about six hours b4 class to get work done & another hour before chicanas & then it will be what, 10? so w/ eight hours of sleep that's about another four hours.. fuck for some reason seemed like there would be much more time.. okay I'll get up early maybe 4.5 hrs sleep give myself another 3.5 but I don't want to be sacrificing sleep for nothing.. ya hear?? okay so the fact is that the french paper is going to be hard and time consuming & I don't have much time, really. So I need to "bite the bullet" and work hard for the next day & a half. Okay solution time: effective limits 1. reasonable expectations.. is it reasonable to expect to work essentially full time for the next day and a half? ugh... kinda.. i mean that's hardly the biggest feat ever achieved by man, but then again.. my past experience. uggiligoop... I think it is reasonable to expect to work this whole morning & in the afternoon then I can see how far I've gotten & reevaluate. 2. Positive & powerful thoughts. I WILL do it.. i will work straight after this journal (in 40 min chunks) AND i will enjoy myself, it's like an investigation, finding out what things mean and how they work together. Plus I will keep a commitment & start getting stronger. It will feel so good to journal tonight that I worked all day :) 3. Essential pain- I can't dilly dally around.... just do the whole not thinking thing. I want to check the forums right after this, but I canna if I want to fulfill this commitment.. I'm going to have to work.. not that the work is the problem.. poopy. 1 comment|post comment

[27 Feb 2002|08:02am] okay i've got some crap here to write through, nothing interesting tho so you probably don't want to bother :) post comment

my celeb match.. but i heard something about him being gay hehe [27 Feb 2002|07:58am] [ music | Streets of Philadelphia ] post comment

[26 Feb 2002|02:38am] What is your meaning of life? post comment

[25 Feb 2002|11:40am] it's a good thing that I really enjoy weightlifting, or I'd have to have issues with that girl demonstrating to me that I haven't been working hard enough :P oh and damn i can hardly move add to all that the fact that I did interval training this morning for the first time in months... post comment

oh my holy fuck [25 Feb 2002|11:11am] so, i think i may have just had my most intense weight lifting session yet. first of all, for some reason my chest was already sore, I guess from my BACK & BICEPS workout THREE DAYS ago (don't understand quite how that works) anyways so I'm doing a chest press pyramid. 10 on each side is pretty easy.. do about 17 actually, which is a big jump from the last time. So then I move up to 12.5 on each side and ask this chick to spot me. With the spot I get out 12. I'm pretty happy because the most I've pushed was 15 on each side. But my spot is like, hey, you can do more than that. So she puts on 20 on each side!! I do about four I think.. something like that, with assistance towards the end. That was pretty tough. But then she's like, okay time to do 25 on each side. aack. I don't think i got a single rep w/o assist but you know I worked damn hard. Then I did a drop set starting at 20 on each side going down to 15 then 10. So yeah. Then my muscles were just a little bit tired. Just a little bit. Did a full workout and maxed out on tricep press too. By the end my muscles were like "uh uh no dice" Oh that was a good workout. post comment

[25 Feb 2002|01:57am] okay well it's okay i'm asking my dig img prof if i can push back my crit & I do have that grace day thing for french.. but i need to get my ass in gear me thinks. 2 comments|post comment

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