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Monday, August 19th, 2002
4:12 pm - ~dwells on inanity to avoid further insanity~
I have a pair of black calf-high suede moccasins bought for use at SCA events and Ren Faires... They may just be the most perfect pair of shoes ever devised- warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot, and easy to deal with, with thin enough soles that I can feel the ground beneath my feet... And last night I had a conversation about how much I'd rather have a voluminous scotch-guarded cloak than try to deal with another stupid, chintzy umbrella that'll just snap in the wind anyways. These two points lead me to one largely inescapable conclusion.

Modern clothes are stupid. (Though pockets are kind of useful... :-P)

current mood: apathetic
current music: Ozzy - Road to Nowhere

(8 comments | comment on this)

2:01 pm
how do you resolve it when you honestly like someone and enjoy their company, but find their behaviour repugnant?

(15 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, August 18th, 2002
11:06 pm
C'est tout. I'm not on any mailing lists anymore.

current mood: numb
current music: Metallica - To Live Is To Die

(4 comments | comment on this)

10:22 am
A story from my childhood... )

The moral of the story is that "yes men" make me angry and disappoint me in ways that I cannot begin to express and are a sure way to alienate the shit out of me.

current mood: irritated
current music: Metallica - Die, Die My Darling

(2 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, August 17th, 2002
7:25 pm
you're right, I wouldn't let it die.



I simply did not want to accept that of you.

and now I have to.

current mood: quiet
current music: Metallica - To Live Is To Die

(8 comments | comment on this)

1:17 pm
new pic added... can anyone name the source?

current mood: melancholy
current music: Type O Negative - Black Rainbows

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1:48 am - It's simple.
I will...
give you all that I am
share with you all that I have
learn to make myself a better man
stand by you through darkest hell
teach you all that I know
listen to all you have to impart
share every joy I encounter
support you through every trial
stay for as long as you let me

All I ask is
your love without reservation
your trust
your presence

...and somehow, that's always a bad deal...

current mood: disappointed
current music: Black Sabbath - Solitude

(2 comments | comment on this)

Friday, August 16th, 2002
4:12 pm
does anyone else find it to be in something very much resembling poor taste for the history channel to be airing a special about the Russian SU-25 Frogfoot (think of an A-10, but Russian and not as effective) and its remarkable effectiveness in reducing afghani towns to rubble during their 25 year bid to forcibly foster communism in the coutry?

"I used to think that only America's way was right
But now the holy Dollar rules everybody's heart
Gotta make a million doesn't matter who dies."
-Queensryche, "Revolution Coming"

current mood: irked
current music: Queensryche - Revolution Coming

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3:59 pm
I just deposited my first paycheck in six weeks... Almost all of it was gobbled up paying off the Wells Fargo Death Squads in order to retain the continued use of my knees, but hooray for finally putting some money back into my account... Next Friday I'll have money from 5 days of work coming in, and then I can actually pay people off and breathe a little bit... We're getting there.

current mood: here
current music: Queensryche - Revolution Coming

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Thursday, August 15th, 2002
5:39 pm - PSA
I am extremely irritable right now. Much of the time right now it's all I can take just to be civil with people. It's nothing personal, and let me apologize in advance if I'm short with you.

And please, for the love of whatever you consider good or holy, do not try to cheer me up or make me laugh or smile or whatever. It will light a fire behind my eyes quicker than most anything, fair or not. I will get past this when my mind and heart go there. Trying to pull me from this state will only make matters worse.

current mood: determinedly calm
current music: Black Sabbath - Letters From Earth

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7:22 am - Matt's bored at work series, Vol. 1
What is your definition of friendship? What part does contact play? Mutual interests? Affection? Respect? Trust?

(I'm going to be bored out of my mind at work today, so give me something to read, people!)

current mood: still irked
current music: Megadeth - Elysian Fields

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Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
11:49 pm
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Spin Doctors

Been a whole lot easier
Since the bitch left town
Been a whole lot happier
Without her face around
Nobody upstairs
Gonna stomp and shout
Nobody at the back door
Gonna throw my laundry out
She hold the shotgun
While you doe-se-doe
She want one man
Made of Hercules and Cyrano
Been a whole lot easier
Since the bitch is gone
Little Miss, Little Miss
Can't Be Wrong

Little Miss, Little Miss
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Ain't no body gonna bow no more
When you sound your gong
Little Miss, Little Miss
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Whatcha go'n do to get into
Another one of these here
Rock 'n' roll songs

Other people's thoughts
They ain't your hand-me-downs
Would it be so bad
To simply turn around
You cook so well,
All nice and French
You do your brain surgery too,
Mama, with a monkey wrench

Little Miss, Little Miss
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Ain't no body gonna bow no more
When you sound your gong
Little Miss, Little Miss
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Whatcha go'n do to get into
Another one of these here
Rock 'n' roll songs

I hope them cigarettes
Are gonna make you cough
Hope you hear this song
And it pissed you off
I take that back:
I hope you're doing fine
And if I had a dollar,
I might give you ninety-nine

Little Miss, Little Miss
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Ain't no body gonna bow no more
When you sound your gong
Little Miss, Little Miss
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Whatcha go'n do to get into
Another one of these here
Rock 'n' roll song

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong...

current mood: done
current music: Spin Doctors - Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

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11:26 pm
I will accept many things.

Being called a liar is not one of them. I've lost friends over it before, and if this continues I will soon lose another.

current mood: livid
current music: Megadeth - Trust

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12:57 am - Nature abhors a vacuum
First off, this isn't meant as poetry, despite the parallel structure. I'll get to that later.

I needed friends. And they've appeared. Old ones rediscovered, new ones met.
I needed someone I could trust. And people have arisen to fill that gap.
I needed a person to hold. All of the sudden everyone is all open arms.
I needed to feel wanted. People came to me and called me to them.
I needed someone to need me. I found friends in need.
I needed someone to talk to. I've discovered fascinating people hidden in plain sight.

It's hard to feel supplanted. It's hard to see a relationship of that caliber pass and know that it will never be the same, can never be the same. It's hard to stagger from the smoking ruins of your love for- and from- someone. It's hard to accept that the time you've been fighting so hard to hold onto has passed and there is nothing you can do to recover it.

This is amazingly hard, and it hurts like a bitch every morning when I wake up alone, every night when I can only taste the blood from my too-often bitten lip and hold fast to my pillow, and in the quiet moments between when I can almost convince myself that I'm not alone...

...almost...

It's hard. But I have what- and who- I need.

***

I met ladybug007 tonight... She always seemed so very unapproachable, daunting even... But I suppose being left in a room with someone while the rest of the attendees go do laundry will do wonders to break the ice. ;-) In any case, had a long conversation and discovered yet another person to be overly impressed with. Speaking with her and reading her journal has me thinking in more creative, literary terms for the first time in a long, long time... I want to start writing again, and not this drivel I've been polluting your lives with, but something worthwhile.

In any event, it was fantastic meeting you, and I appreciated our conversation considerably more than you probably realize. Thank you. (I hope this didn't come off as stalkerish or anything.)

[Insert tired, blanket acknowledgement of everyone else who I saw tonight. Nothing personal, but I don't feel quite up to typing it all out and filtering what I should and should not say.]

[Though I will say hooray for theblackfairy's stamped ass. ~smirk~]

In any case, it is time for bed. Have to work tomorrow, hooray for narrowly escaping utter destitution...

ps: "quiet" should so be a mood.

current mood: quiet
current music: Black Sabbath - Laguna Sunrise

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Monday, August 12th, 2002
1:54 pm
Had a conversation with my mom just now, it went considerably better than I had hoped... That was nice. Don't have to continue worrying about it now.

---

I am currently extremely disappointed in a friend of mine, and I don't know how to resolve that situation. I value it immensely when someone shows that he or she holds a similar value structure to mine, so it's very disappointing when someone fails to live up to their words.

---

The rules, my slant on them. Read more... )

current mood: okay
current music: Sisters of Mercy - 1959

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Friday, August 9th, 2002
6:55 pm
some of you people make it exceedingly difficult to remain completely misanthropic.

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5:20 pm
my monitor flickers when I growl at it.

that's fucking cool.

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4:28 pm
I know at least three of you on this list have had books of mine for quite some time, but I'm not certain which ones... If you happen to have any of my books, would you please pipe up and let me know so I can reclaim them?

(9 comments | comment on this)

3:48 pm
This site rocks my shit in ways hitherto unknown to humankind... ~LOL~

current mood: amused
current music: Coil - Chaostrophy

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11:28 am
hmmmm. a great morning.

woke up depressed and sore.
found a massive guilt trip in my email.
had a fight with a friend.
had my temp assignment cancelled out from under me. (read: got fired)
was violently sick.
got another phone call from Wells Fargo.

anyone else want to play?

current mood: tired
current music: Diary of Dreams - Blind in Darkness

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9:27 am - Hey! LA friend peoples!
I'm going to be in Reseda on Saturday helping a friend (casporthos) pack his stuff up and move down to San Diego... Seeing as I can't really afford the gas to get to LA in most circumstances these days, this will be a somewhat rare opportunity to see all of you, if it works out... If you're interested in grabbing lunch or even just hanging out while we're up there, please drop me a note.

In case you were wondering.

microchaotic, someone_else, lothie, chibidl, and rancourt, this means you!

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12:05 am
I really want someone to cuddle with.

current mood: lonely
current music: Concrete Blonde - Tomorrow Wendy

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Thursday, August 8th, 2002
7:30 pm
So, today I had an argument with J and actually had it end on a good, resolved, non-emotionally charged note, and it never got overly emotionally charged... This may seem minor, but in my life, it's an occurrence worthy of marking on the calendar... ~smile~

current mood: surprised
current music: Black Sabbath - NIB

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6:21 pm - This is what I sound like when I'm fed up with someone.
(Sent to the SDGothOrg list just now...)

I'm tired of being nice about this and getting nowhere.

D****, there seems to be something important escaping you. Let me see if I can spell it out such that this time you'll actually understand it.

*************************************************************************
The point of the rules is to make the list more enjoyable and more usable for the members thereof.
*************************************************************************

They are not an end in and of themselves. With that in mind, so fucking what if the moderators have a different interpretation of a rule than you do? So fucking what if they arrive at an agreement with a list member which is technically contrary to the rules? Does it really impact your day that much to have someone use a five line signature file versus a four line? Is it really so personally offensive to you to have someone forget to put a tag in a subject line of an email once in a while?

The bottom line is that those rules were put in place to make the list run more smoothly. If it adversely impacts the list to have them run otherwise, then fuck it! That's why we have human moderators, not fucking robots.

I'll put this in a different way, in case that didn't sink in.

You jump up and down screaming about the letter of the law and how the moderators aren't living up to what is written in the rules, and no one gives a damn. Stop it. We're tired of dealing with it. You aren't changing anything, and your continued ranting is serving only to irritate the shit out of people and make us less likely to hear you out if you ever do have anything worthwhile to share. Your literalist interpretation of the list rules is every bit as ludicrous to me as a literalist interpretation of the Bible, Constitution, or Koran, and just as ill-suited to the purposes of this list. The rules are designed to make the list better, and can and should be modified or interpreted to suit the current situation when necessary. Frankly, if that ever changes, you will watch me unsubscribe before you know it.

-Loop

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6:20 pm
Winamp v3.0 is out, for those as geeky as myself.

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8:05 am - Lurking beneath the sea...
This isn't directed at anyone (no, really) so much as it is a general position statement. If anyone takes this personally I am going to have to be really annoyed, and I don't want to be really annoyed.

~sigh~

This scene seems to have its own Cthulu, sleeping just below the water line, ready to wake up at a moment's notice and devour everything. Excenpt in this case, it's not a big, nasty, tentacle faced guy bent on destroying the world. It's not even a long forgotten dark elder god to be summoned back into the world when the stars align just right.

It's interpersonal drama.

That said, I just don't want to know. Don't tell me that so-and-so is (fill in the blank pejorative adjective). Don't launch into a long story about the evils of so and so. 'Cause in all likelihood, if I don't already know, I don't want to know. There are many sides to every issue, and I just don't want to trust the subjective interpretations people give of issues and words, even if I have a great deal of trust in the person. I make my own judgments about people, independent (whenever possible) of the attitudes of others. If I let every attitude people have expressed about others guide me I would run screaming from this scene and civilization in general to live with the wolves (I've a mind to do that anyways, but that's another topic).

The bottom line? I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to read about it. If you're upset about something and need to vent, I will be happy to be there for you in any and every way I am reasonably able. But unless you have some specific goal in mind with approaching me on the topic (resolution of your personal angst over it is a specific, acceptable goal), please, do not. Particularly when the other party mentioned is a friend of mine, it just puts me in a really awkward position (do I commiserate with you or stick up for the other friend?), and I would appreciate not having to deal with that. I will try to grant the same consideration to anyone else who requests it.

In short, I am a friend, but when it comes to drama, leave me out of it.

current mood: tired
current music: Metallica - The Thing That Should Not Be

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Monday, August 5th, 2002
6:09 pm - Ex-Sillines
Here's my favourite pic from Ex-Sanguinus

current mood: amused

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6:31 am
I told you... :-P

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Sunday, August 4th, 2002
11:18 am
It has been a long-short, strange few days. I'm not quite awake enough to try and write well, so here is the itemized version...


  • Comic Con. This has pretty much monopolized my time since Thursday. Played a little bit in the LARP, which was fun. A few of you will catch this: shock of shocks, Alexi was recruited by the Sabbat. ~laugh~ Met Pete, creator of Sluggy, and saw the Music Geek. Pondering going back today and trying to find Jhonen Vasquez, but frankly I'm exhausted and I just want to curl up and recover from the last few days. We'll see.

  • J: Hung out with her at Con for a few hours yesterday, which was unexpected but really nice. Dunno if this means that we're friends again or what. Trying not to read anything into it and just say that I really enjoyed hanging out.

  • Ex-Sanguinus: The best event I've been to in the San Diego scene, by far. The Abbey is a great venue, Tom spun a great set, lots of friends, lots of pretty people... A really good time. Thanks, apparently, to redpooka, Mark Hamill showed up and was summarily mobbed... ~laugh~ I went over to see if it was him and the crowd shifted such that all of the sudden I found myself getting hugged by the man in front of sddarkman619's camera. I'll post a link to the pic after it's posted. Had fun hanging out with a whole bunch of people. If I try to list them all I'll inevitably leave someone out and feel like shit, so I'll just say a mass shout out. ~snicker~

  • Some drama going on by which I'm really not pleased. Hopefully it'll be resolved sooner rather than later. I can only be who I am; if that disappoints you so much, find someone else.

  • Met some people and got to know some other ones... Met casporthos and kambrieloktober, among others... Spent a fair amount of time getting to know theblackfairy, and had my first indication that redpooka does not, in fact, maintain an active hatred for me... ~laugh, shrug~ So I'm a bit paranoid.


Anyways, I'm gonna lounge around the house for a while, dig up some food, and figure out my plans for the rest of the day.

current mood: sore
current music: Seven Mary Three - Water's Edge

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Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
3:53 am


yes

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Friday, August 2nd, 2002
2:21 am
I went tonight to make sure she'd be alright... Even if she doesn't consider me a friend anymore, I still care, and I am still concerned about her. But as it turns out, she had someone to keep her company and keep her entertained while she danced, someone to keep her company on her breaks, someone to drive her home at the end of the night.

The fact that I am genuinely happy for her does not lessen the fact that I am dying inside right now.

At least I won't have to worry about keeping an eye on her.

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Wednesday, July 31st, 2002
7:15 pm
~snarl~

So he was only joking... It was still offensive, especially in light of current events.

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4:57 pm
News 8's report.

"Firefighters were able to rescue about a dozen wolves at a rural breeding center for the wild animals, but could not save several others that wound up succumbing to the smoke and flames, officials said."

Yeah, I'm just a little bit irked by this.

Fuck your drug war.

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1:01 am
apologies to those I missed online tonight... it's time to crash, though.

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Tuesday, July 30th, 2002
6:05 pm - A Beautiful Mind
I just saw this movie for the first time... I think it was exactly what I needed to see, honestly... For the first time in so very long, I feel something vaguely resembling hope... There is no rational reason for it. I cannot explain it. I still don't know where I go from here... But at least now I feel that there might, in fact, be somewhere to go.

current mood: Quiet

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12:03 am
I just downloaded Scooby Doo: Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Werewolf

~laugh~

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Monday, July 29th, 2002
9:21 pm
Quotes of the day:

"Don't touch my noodle!"

"Dude, he's got that drippy ass thing going on..."

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2:29 pm - geek stuff
does anyone out there know of a good replacement for Windows Media Player? It's thoroughly sucking right now.

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9:27 am - what a freaking shock


You are a werewolf.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox


current mood: cold
current music: Bjork - So Broken
Sunday, July 28th, 2002
9:50 pm - architect of my own downfall
what do you do when you helplessly dislike yourself? happy pills didn't do it. psychotherapy didn't do it. self help didn't do it. having someone love me unconditionally didn't do it... everything I've tried for years has resulted in the same thing, left me the same self destructive person I was before... I build my life over and over again... And then look back at the smoking ruins and see myself holding the torch.

I need to end this Loop... and I'm out of sane ideas...

current mood: wrecked
current music: Nine Inch Nails - Mr. Self Destruct

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Saturday, July 27th, 2002
2:57 pm - Dances With Wolves
I love this movie, but to say that it leaves me outraged...

I feel dirty. I am a part of this culture, this tradition, and I don't believe I'll ever escape that... But... There is so much of it that is so thoroughly repellent, currently and historically...

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11:33 am - For anyone who's ever written anything...
"I wrote it in a weekend, a gift from the gods, easy and sweet as anything. Suddenly I was a writer transformed: I laughed in the face of danger and spat on the shoes of writer's block. Then I sat and stared glumly at a blank screen for another week, because the gods have a sense of humor." -Neil Gaiman, from the introduction to Smoke and Mirrors

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Friday, July 26th, 2002
4:16 pm
c'est tout. it's not what I would have chosen... but I just won't accept this anymore.

current mood: sad
current music: Nickelback - How You Remind Me

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Thursday, July 25th, 2002
11:47 pm - Name
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein.

I think this introspection will consist of going through my names, and taking that in whatever direction seems appropriate.

First, my "real" name. Matt. Mat. Matte. Flat and made to be walked upon, or without shine... Neither strikes me as particularly desirable, frankly. In my more self-loathing moments, I suppose I can identify with both, though.

Initials... M.A.S. MAS. Mas- more, or "but..." in Spanish. An interesting combination, I suppose... I always want more... And there's always a "but..." to complicate things...yes, I see the juvenile humour a mile away, please spare me.

Schmo... Originally, something I derived from "schmuck"(sp?), but changed in observance of the request of a now-ex-girlfriend. Has an incredible range of sentiments ascribed to it, from friendly but disgruntled irritation to nauseating affection. Fallen into disuse along with a wide variety of other words I adopted and discarded.

Galahad. This one is kind of ironic, I guess. When I chose it, it was to reflect something of a warrior personality, but also give a nod to the importance of being steadfast to your own principles, even in a world not conducive to them. Besides, I always liked the idea of Lancelot's bastard kid fighting against his parentage. Unfortunately, it seems that many people take this a little too seriously and ascribe to me some sort of knight in shining armour role. Consequently, a lot of people are disappointed upon further analysis. I am no paladin, I have never claimed to be such, and never will. There is a pretty big slice of protector in me, and that is something that people see easily. But that is by no means all there is... Just what I let most people see.

and, finally, the most recent name, and the one I started this ramble to address...

Loop. A self-supplied name. I briefly used loopy as a play on words between insanity and an intentional misspelling of the French loup, meaning wolf. I fairly quickly dropped the Y just because it was well into the range of dumb, and was left with Loop. But the more I think about it, the more appropriate it seems. Beyond the lupine connection... Loop as a word in and of itself fits very well. My life in many ways consists of a constant knowledge that "I've done this before, I know how it turns out..." But I guess I'm just enough of a dumb optimist to keep trying despite my familiarity with these pitfalls.

...

I think I need to make a moratorium on trying to interact with groups. Individuals, I appreciate. I can connect with individuals- not all individuals, but some. Groups... I'm not good with groups, it would seem. I feel very much like the crazy lone wolf that keeps trying to find a pack and keeps getting thrown back out... The desire to belong, to have a group, is there... But I should really know better than to keep trying by now. I keep trying, and I keep finding myself back outside, and it never hurts any less... Enough...

I guess on that note... If I ever end up getting close to anyone reading this... Please, don't introduce me to your friends. Keep them, cherish them, hold them close and appreciate them... But don't share them with me. Trust me, it'll just be better that way.

current mood: alone
current music: Scorpions - Here I Go Again

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Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
11:36 pm - PSA
I'm afraid that my bullshit tolerance has officially reached rock bottom.

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8:25 pm
this is, it would seem, the time of unexpected conversations for me.

it's interesting. I seem to make these deep, inexplicable connections with people on a fairly regular basis. It happens with maybe one in 50 people I meet (I dramatically lowered the proportion upon further reflection). Most people, I'm content to remain friendly acquaintances with, but there are a few with whom things just click and we find ourselves understanding one another, communicating better than really ought to be possible, I guess.

Good, bad, or indifferent, it's interesting. In this most recent case... Good, I think. ~smile~

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6:32 pm
I could only read halfway through this before I was too pissed to continue.

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1:10 am
I'm watching XMen right now, and there was a fantastic line that I never noticed before. Sabertooth (unsurprisingly, one of my favourites) picks up Storm by the throat and growl/whispers to her...

"Scream for me."

Disturbing as it may be, that just gets me all worked up...

current mood: deliciously shivery

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Monday, July 22nd, 2002
11:49 pm
it's interesting, how a certain scent can convey memories and feelings so amazingly powerfully... I have a candle that brought this to mind- it's a black English musk candle, and at one point I put a lilac scented candle on top of it and burned that down so the scents intermingled... that combination of scents will probably strike you as strange, but for me... ~slow smile~ Yum.

Anyways... things are pretty good on this end for a change. I'm broke to a positively alarming extent by this point and searching desperately for a job, and my academic situation... well... we won't mention that... But other than that... Life is doing okay.

current mood: relaxed
current music: ABBC - Je Voudrais Me Rappeller

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11:43 pm - Eva: the 2 movies
No spoilers, just impressions.

Death/Rebirth was largely cobbled together from old scenes, but done very artfully and was overall good. It didn't resolve any of the issues left by the series, but it was a fairly good movie (though anyone who hadn't watched the series would be utterly and completely mystified by it).

The End of Evangelion, though, was very good. It did not convey the idea of cutting-room-floor-production at all and explained a LOT of loose ends, but not all of them (so I was still left with a delicious number of questions). It also contained just enough scenes of the Evas in action to break up the molasses-in-january thickness of the plot- Asuka, in case you were wondering, IS A COMPLETE BADASS.

Anyways, I have them now, so if you're interested in seeing them, let me know.

current mood: a good tired
current music: Bach - Cello Suite

(2 comments | comment on this)


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