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other half of a gonkey

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check! [27 Feb 2002|08:56am]
[ mood | full ]
[ music | ooo, yeah...all you need is me... ]

~finish moving out
~clean old apartment
~get up early and walk or run before work (every day this week, which, then, would only be half a strike. because it's only wednesday. and i haven't done it yet thursday or friday.)
~unpack everything cluttering new house
~clean new house
~paint dining room brown
~de-queer new house

when i toasted my english muffins last night, and put peanut butter on them, my roommate (ag) suggested i try adding cottage cheese as well. i did. it was quite good. now i have a new breakfast and snack. random.

peanut butter + cottage cheese = weird, but good
weird + good = gierd
peanut butter + cottage cheese = gierd

2 comments|post comment

a case of the terrible tuesdays [26 Feb 2002|11:53am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | i came out laughing screaming dancing... ]

i like chips.

in fact, i happen to like the baked ones better than the regular ones. they taste like pringles. which i used to hate, but i love now.

other things i used to hate but now love:

~eggs [though i have a hard time eating them plain. i like them scrambled. with cheese. and onions. and green chilies.]
~milk
~hummus and other middle eastern cuisine [funny story involving my first trip to olive mountain. maybe i'll tell it sometime. it makes me seem incredibly close-minded.]
~anything on my pizza besides just cheese
~salad
~onions
~cheetos
~sandwiches
~guacamole
~artichokes


things i hate, but keep trying again and again as to remind myself why/if i still hate them:

~pickles
~orange juice
~curry
~vegan cheese. eeeeew. i'd rather eat play doh. [which i did, a lot, when i was five.]
~coffee

things i hate. period.:

~olives [or, really, anything floating in juice and canned. "pickled," or soaked in vinegar-y stuff.]
~anything in a casing. even when i used to eat hot dogs and/or sausages, i would cut off the ends [where it's all tied up] and not eat them.
~most cuts of beef. [though i like a good hamburger every so often.]
~vinegar
~prunes, dates, fig newtons [it's not a cookie, mother. it's a newton.]
~mustard and mayo and cream cheese and sour cream [though i like things baked with cream cheese and sour cream in them.]

before, well, before i forced myself to open up a bit in the "food world," i used to order the same thing at every restaurant i went to: chicken fingers. so, so sad.

this brightened my day! yay! back to work.

12 comments|post comment

ummmm... [25 Feb 2002|01:51pm]
jenny toomey is in my office. right now.
14 comments|post comment

a boy named sue [25 Feb 2002|12:45pm]
has anyone else viewed this? i saw it over the weekend at a film festival. it was...interesting. i'd be curious to hear what others thought.
5 comments|post comment

i'd rather play with the boys than the girls... [25 Feb 2002|11:14am]
i got out of town a bit over the weekend. it was very good for me. my grandfather has been in town [visiting my relatives in the phoenix burbs] and it was my cousin's 4th birthday. perfect reasons to leave tucson on a saturday.

my "cool" aunt is the aunt who lives in chandler. with her husband and three kids and dog and cat. she was cool because she was young [she just turned 40 i believe] and always related more to my cousins and i than to my older aunts and uncles.

but instead of getting in to the whole "she's the most 'liberal' member of my family, and yet she has a copy of the prayerful wife on her coffee table..." i'm just going to talk about how much i *heart* playing with 5 year old boys.

my cousin, riley, is 5. and every time i visit, i somehow end up spending a significant amount of my time with him. he takes to me in a different way than the girls do. last saturday we played basketball. and soccer. and 500. he and his very aggressive friend, sam, monopolized more than half of my day. and it's funny, because i can put myself in a 5 year old boy mindset. i can play rough (but not too rough) and i can be competitive (and yet always let them win).

i love boys. i do. i want a little boy of my own some day. i will name him ben. or sam. or max. or another short, geeky little boy name. elliot. henry.

signing off...
5 comments|post comment

olympics shomolympics [25 Feb 2002|09:15am]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | ...over the rhine... ]

is it wrong that i'm proud to have not seen one second of them? my television has hardly been on in the past two weeks, and when it has, it hasn't been on NBC. oops. i feel weird when everyone is so excited about it. and i just, well, i just really don't care.

it's like not seeing titanic.

to this day, i have not seen it. i refused when it came out, on some sort of principle - it was just too big and too "popular," and i certainly didn't want to waste my time or money on such a thing. and that song. that damn song.

::cringe::

i maintain my refusal. i.will.not.EVER.see.titanic.

does it make sense, then, that i'm very excited for the re-release of E.T.? i think it's because i can remember seeing it in the theater when it first came out. i was 4. i cried. i saw it 6 times that year, begged my parents to take me every weekend. and then we bought it on video a couple of years later and i watched it more. i even had an E.T. doll. it was leather on the outside, filled tightly with white stuffing that leaked out the sides after a couple of years of 3 and 5 year olds rough-and-tumble, and the dog using him as a chew toy.

get the reese's pieces ready, folks.

3 comments|post comment

stuey has gone to a better place... [22 Feb 2002|01:04pm]
where she speaks of herself in the third person.

migraine meds make me C-R-A-Z-Y.

in other news: it's absolutely beautiful outside today. i would like to leave work and frolic in the park. i would like to nap in the sun.

frisbee last night was interesting. i have war wounds on my forearm. i guess i catch wrong or something. they look like track marks. everyone there was really nice, but really intense and focused on having a productive practice. that made it weird for me, as i was thrown in to drills that i had no idea how to do with people who wanted to drill "for real."

i'm horrible at being a newbie.

p.s. i've decided to keep the posts regarding certain situations in my life "private" for now. my posting all the time about it makes it seem like my life is a mess of drama, stress and uncertainty. when in actuality, i have a very routine, stable existence that has only been spiced up a bit recently. [maybe i'm trying to convince myself here.] either way, i'm going to keep my ponderings my ponderings and not throw it all out on lj. there is more to me than constant, deep thinking, and more to my life than my relationships with other people...
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post-a-lot? no, not me. [21 Feb 2002|12:04pm]
a story: once, there was a, um, a *monkey,*
named stuey. she graduated from [a prestigious]
college and proceeded to go through a very
"un-biscuit" time. she lived in iowa city and did
things that monkey's do in cities called "iowa city."

she worked for a mean old woman (who happened to be
mormon) and lived with a fancy gay man who kept her
spirits from falling dangerously low. after nine
months (no, she didn't have a baby monkey) she decided
to take her monkey butt and move it to a different
city to do different monkey things. she chose tucson.
(or tucson chose her? we'll never know.)

stuey met many other fun monkeys, and joined many
monkey "groups." she played monkey games and worked
her monkey job and things started to look, well, so
very biscuit.

and though she was a generally happy monkey, there
were things in this new place that started falling
short of "biscuit." she brought it up with her monkey
supervisors and tried to get them to bisc-i-fy the
situation, but they hemmed and hawed and hemmed some
more. they said: "we will bisc-i-fy." and time passed.
as time does.

they didn't deliver. stuey was sad and frustrated and
felt unappreciated and alone in the monkey world. she
decided to do some hemming and hawing of her own.

finally, finally, the big-bosses heard her monkey cry.
and the answered...but instead of answering with a
shout, they answered with a whisper.

is this enough, she wondered?

time. will. tell.


biscuit = very fucking cool
6 comments|post comment

frisbee...weeeeeeee [21 Feb 2002|08:56am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | when i was a boy ~dar ]

i'm going to ultimate frisbee practice tonight. my roommate (ag) has been playing forever, and she's been trying to get me to start. we threw around a bit the other day, and it was quite fun, but i don't know how i feel about actually "playing." it's weird, this part of me that used to thrive (the sports playing side) is almost totally gone. it scares me to think about competition, it doesn't thrill me. especially team sports, especially semi-contact sports. i am apprehensive. afraid that i'll make mistakes.

it is supposed to be fun. not stressful. it.is.a.game.

i don't know how to explain it: i get really turned off by folks who take things too seriously, especially sports, especially when it is supposed to be "just for fun." turned off and intimidated.

but this only happens when it's something i don't feel like i can do well, or "good enough." frisbee is new to me. i can throw it. i can catch it. but i have no idea if i can play.

why am i even thinking about this? perhaps i'm trying to distract myself from other "T-H-I-N-G-S."

1 comment|post comment

convincing me... [20 Feb 2002|04:22pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | driiiiiiive (still) ]

i know what i want. i do. for the most part. i am conscious and considerate and thoughtful. i think about what things mean, what insight they can give me. i learn from my mistakes. i learn from other people's mistakes. i don't miss much.

before i do anything, i need to think about how it's going to affect me, others involved, my friends, my family...it's very difficult for me to separate from that, even though i know, in the end, every decision i make is *my* decision.

sometimes, though, sometimes i get tired of thinking so much. of trying to be so smart all the damn time. and i get close to making some not-so-smart decisions. but then (only lately) i catch myself. and i realize that thinking is not a bad thing. being smart is not a bad thing. being careful and certain is not a bad thing.

but i need to give myself some room to breath-i'll never be 100% certain about my feelings, about my actions, about the decisions i make in life. i don't want to stop making decisions, taking action, having feelings simply because they are uncertain and potentially difficult.

i do want to make good choices, however. the best possible. the more "right." i want to be confident in the fact that i've been honest with myself, with others, and that i came to a conclusion not simply because i had a "good feeling," but because i did a lot of thinking to back it up.

p.s. i think this is why i used to get so drunk when i'd drink. i wanted to escape this constant "reasonableness." i wanted to stop thinking, to stop making decisions, to stop caring...i don't want to do that anymore.

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a family affair [20 Feb 2002|08:50am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | bobby mcgee ~janis ]

my grandpa is in town. in chandler, rather, but closer to tucson than, say, iowa. and he's coming to take me out to dinner tonight. which is good and bad.

good because i haven't seen him in awhile, and i'm not planning on going back to iowa any time soon. good because i'm going to get a free meal, and, well, that will get me every time.

bad because i had already made plans for tonight. there is a film being shown on the women who disappeared in juarez. and a dinner after at some women's studies prof's house. my roommates are both going, and i was invited and interested.

i want to open myself up right now to meeting new people. i mean, i moved here, met a group of people, and continued to meet more through all of them, until i had a couple of circles i felt comfortable in...and, now, i don't know. i've got my roommates. L and i are pretty tight. and there are a couple of other folks who i consider myself close to. but everyone else has just faded in to this sea of acquaintance-ship.

it makes me sad that i've lost touch with some of the people i was quite close to. it makes me sad and it makes me wonder. i mean, it's not like i can't accept folks moving on, myself moving on, blah blah blah, however it's hard for me to let a very strong, supportive friendship go without a fight.

the patterns in my life are too apparent right now. glaring. poking me like an elbow to the ribs. (nobody likes fire poked, poked in their face.) but i don't have time to ponder them or devote any more lj musings to such patterns.

the reality of this is: i.must.work.

6 comments|post comment

[15 Feb 2002|11:45am]
i'm getting back zits. there are currently two of them. i've never in my life had zits on my back (or anywhere, really, besides my face). i'm outraged. this.should.not.be.

p.s. maybe i should stop stressing about zits as stress produces more zits, which produces more stress, and so on and so forth...

p.p.s. don't you hit a certain age where you stop having to worry about f-ing acne? shouldn't 24 be that age? damn.
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short-short, or just short-er? [14 Feb 2002|01:16pm]
i'm getting a hair cut. soon. in two hours. and it's at a yucky stage right now. a stage that makes me want to simply cut it all off. (and it's already quite short-probably 5 inches in some spots, but more like 2 or 3 in others). i want it to be longer in front, shorter in back...you know, angled down, so that i can tuck it behind my ears. but right now, well, i don't know what's with it right now. it's a super-short cut, but with months of growth. no shape. it's getting silly, shaggy, long-er in back and on the sides. i don't want that.

should i be patient, have just just cut underneath? or should i do the short-short, david schwimmer up in front do? oooo-the possibilities. now part of me wants it all gone....

BLAST! why do i care so much about my damn hair? it's actually the one thing i allow myself to be high-maintenance about...
5 comments|post comment

[14 Feb 2002|09:00am]
Your personal awareness of the situations around you is becoming much greater and more perceptive, Melissa. At the same time, your inner psyche and unconscious knowing is much more acute, as well. You may find that you know more about the way someone is feeling than the person you are interacting with. More than likely, this sort of perspective is causing you to want to take aggressive action in order to shake people up and help them open their own eyes to the situation at hand.

why do i find that these daily horoscopes are frighteningly accurate? every.day. or, perhaps, i can just take what is written (in a general sense) and bend and shape it around situations that are happening in my own life. either way, it's interesting...
1 comment|post comment

it's just thursday, yo. [14 Feb 2002|08:46am]
[ mood | pukey ]
[ music | take it or leave it. they don't believe it. (t&s;) ]

happy valentine's day to me
happy valentine's day to me
happy valentine's day, valentine's-day-hater
happy valentine's day to me.


not a spot of red on me today. (though i dreamed last night that my period just.wouldn't.stop.) i'm wearing navy blue cords, a fun green button down (that i just bought for $9) and a bright yellow belt.

green.
blue.
yellow.

my three most favoritest colors.

did i mention the party we're having this weekend? saturday. starting late afternoon (which was decided solely because there would be better lighting for my photos. heh.) and going, going, going, well, the rest of the day/night...it's a combination birthday party for my roomie, going away party for my friend, jess, housewarming, anti-valentine's day, v-day, carnival...............and it's a theme party. oh, yes. superhero's unite. [i loved mystery men. i dunno why.]

L (bday roomie) and i are thinking of being sort of the "men-in-black" guys who have to watch over all the superheros and "keep them in line." any excuse to wear a suit and tie, i tell ya. i'm thinking she'll be quite hott in drag.

Ag moves in today. i'm very excited. i have the two best roommates in the world. i am convinced of that. they are the greatest. (maybe a little too great?)

ho-hum. ::singing:: it's valentine's day. it's valentine's day. i got a chocolate from the big-boss, nothing from my mum...i want to buy a flower for someone, but i think that might be dumb...

p.s. Read more... )

9 comments|post comment

i met grant hill when i was in high school... [12 Feb 2002|03:59pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | buzz goes the computer. click goes the keyboard. ]

[and that, my friends, has nothing to do with anything.]

where is this "pixie dust" that you speak of? can you blow some of it my way. how bout a little bounce for my step, goat?

::sigh::

i got my "raise" today. it's been a big mess and i should be happy..."should" being the operative word. alas, i think things will get better. the problem is that what i'm making now is what i should have been making when i started. they went up, but they only went up a little. it makes me feel better to know, however, that the comparable salary in chicago would be over $40,000 a year (yes. i just talked about money. people are so funny about it. but i don't care.) actually, that might make me feel worse...hum. it doesn't seem like the cost of living is "that" different. or maybe i'm just living well beyond my means...it's entirely possible.

agh, the politics of a federal job. (i work indirectly for mr. george w. bush himself. yes, it's true. the executive branch of the u.s. government. i rock.) i had no idea. can you ever get away from it?

i have a plan, though. i'm going to continue to work here. 40 hours a week. not a second more. and, in the fall (once i establish residency) i'm going to see about an MFA in photography. work full time and go to school? it.can.be.done.

4 comments|post comment

ho-hum [12 Feb 2002|09:19am]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | back to mf...oh, valentine heartache...i love you... ]

i'm becoming boring. my life is a constant circle of work, running, eating and sleeping. i haven't even had time to finish moving my stuff out of my old apartment. (though i did get a big chunk done over the weekend.)

electrojazz posted something this morning that made me think a bit. about priorities. about "not having time." i agree with you. it's easy to fall back on "i don't/didn't have time" as an excuse. generally, it's accepted as valid. but, is it? i'm not sure. i think sometimes there are things i really "want" to do, things that i consider high priorities that i don't always have time for. and, sometimes, i'm going and going and going (and doing basically what i want to do) and i get in to trouble for not maintaining certain relationships i had more time for in the past...

and i suppose wanting to do something is different from needing to do it. i *want* to play frisbee in the park, but i *need* to finish moving. what goes first. what "should" go first? (and why can't we just throw that pesky "should" out the window?)

it's a mess, really. but the bottom line is, i think, that if i really really really want to do something, i'll do it. especially if it involves being around a person i really want to be around. the rest of it, well, it usually figures itself out.

ce ca.

p.s. i used to consider myself fairly high maintenance. i think my friends did, too. i don't anymore. (though i'm not sure how they feel. i'm sure there is a big difference in the way my friends from home (and/or college) see me and the way folks in tucson do. interesting.) however - i. can. not. stand. "maintaining." it's not my job to make everything alright for the people around me. i love and care about my friends, and i'd pretty much do anything for them, but i can not, under any circumstances give someone 100% attention.

p.p.s. this is why i appreciate, tremendously, the people around me who don't need "maintaining." those folks who i can spend three days with, and not see for a week, and everything.is.okay. those folks who i can be around for days, weeks, months in a row, and not get tired of. those folks who have that balance in their lives, that unnameable-sometimes-taken-for-granted stability...thank.god.for.them.

11 comments|post comment

walla walla [11 Feb 2002|09:29am]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | dar live (yay for cute friends who make me good cds.) ]

i think the paint fumes are starting to really affect me. last night, i painted my closet doors, and slept with the windows shut. maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

the weekend was busy, but good. i felt accomplished, and active. i spent some time outside. i ran errands. i did laundry. i painted. i moved. i made good guacamole. i was in good company, great company.

l and i stayed up for queer as folk last night. it's not on until 11 here, which, IMHO, is far too late. but we stay up anyway. that's an interesting show. flawed, but entertaining. i saw the very first episode (i was sort of seeing someone who had showtime at that point) but then never again for the first season. i don't, however, know any dykes who look like the two on that show...but add about 15 pounds to the dark haired one, and, y-u-m.

work is hectic and stressful. the salary thing has really gotten to everyone. i think we have another meeting on it this afternoon. we'll see how it goes...

i'm trying not to be stressed about money, my parents, my living situation, and most of the time i can ignore it. but i'm finding it necessary to "solve" it, rather than avoid it. what's with me?

::bangs head with hand::
::yells at self::

stupid. idiot. stupid. stupid. idiot.

sorry, "inside" joke.

p.s. it was good talking to you, supergoat. real good.

1 comment|post comment

black? [08 Feb 2002|10:49am]
stuey

what the hell does this mean? why did i do it? where did it come from? huh?

in other news: i am interviewing work-study students all afternoon. that's right, they're going to work for me. i'm going to have interns! why does that make me feel cool?

p.s. does anyone know a good way to get through the day with a migraine? (i have to function. the option to sit in a dark room with no noise isn't there.)
5 comments|post comment

bacon, coco pebbles and an apple [07 Feb 2002|10:54am]
i almost forgot-i have a retreat all afternoon at work. i won't be in. at all. no emails, no lj. how will i live? [clutches heart dramatically]

p.s. i smell (did smell, rather) really good today. but then i made bacon for breakfast and i reek of pork. (that's an exaggeration.) could i be any grosser? and what's up with this bacon business? i don't even like bacon. but it did taste good (well, it didn't really taste. i just like the crunch. i microwave it until it's nothing but one big bacon bit) with my coco pebbles.
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