Renee''s Journal

1:57PM - Ashes

So I was thinking today about the time I was at the river with Danielle and we were watching the boats go by and this hispanic family came down to the dock and asked us if they could borrow the dock for a minute. "of course would you like us to leave?" we ask.. "no your fine.. we will be just a minute" they say. Then they proceeded to take their mothers ashes and dump them in the river. only they didn't go in the river, the wind blew them all over me and danielle. we just sat there stunned. THen when they left we just laughed sooo hard in disbelief like "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN" oh but it did and I still get a laugh when I think of it.

So things are going ok for me. I am happy now. My brother is living with me and I am trying to deal with that as much as I could. I am just in this mind right now, wondering when is MY life going to start. I feel like I am always there to help pick people up when they need it, but I don't get thanks I get shit on. Maybe I am doing it all wrong. Maybe people are gratful for my kindness and generosity in certain ways but the way I view it is that they think I am selfish when that is the least that I am. I have said over and over and over that my biggest pet peeve is when people lie. However I feel that people think I am lying to them and that pisses me off even more. I gave Dannielle a place to live when she needed a change, I gave justina a place to stay when she was pulling her hair out living at her moms, I am giving my brother a place to stay untill he gets on his feet and then THATS IT! Since I have been sharing my one bedroom home with people i don't feel myself. I used to be organized and safe and healthy minded and now I feel used and betrayed and lied to and a stranger in my own house. I have felt like this with everyone. I came to the solution that danielle and I cannot live together. We are better friends. I love her though. She gives me strength I never knew I had and I am glad to know her. Justina and I can't live together because we are two different yet the same. We are stubborn strong individuals who like things our way. When they don't go the way we want we get angry and mad. She and I will have a long period of time apart before we can be as close as we used to be. I know someday we will though. I just don't see it in the near future. Ben.. well he's my brother. I haven't lived with him since I was in high school. He is a slob but he doesn't bitch. I have to nag him to put the seat down and wipe the counter and don't leave dishes everywhere but he still calls and says "hey bring home a movie and some beer" this is what gets to me. Is it not enough that I give you a place to live that you feel so comfortable to call me up and ask for things? This is my problem. This is where I feel used. People take advantage of my kindness. They feel comfortable using my groceries to cook their friends dinner or to say lets rent a movie and then don't pay.
FOR ONCE WILL SOMEONE PLEASE DIG INTO THEIR WALLET?
I mean its not always about the money but I can't keep doing this. What about my future? what about if MY car breaks down. DO I have to be the only one who thinks that in order to pay for things I like or need I have to have a job that pays. I am so tired of having friends that can't do anything because they can't afford it or they can't unless someone else pays. What the fuck happened to responsibility. GET A FUCKING JOB. I don't want to hear that in order for you to get a job you need me to take you there or its too far or you don't have gas. Well you had gas when you went to your friends the other day didn't you? I don't mean to sound bitter but FUCK! I am soo tired of Lazy ass complaining people who think the world owes you a fucking living. Get off your fucking goddamn selfish ass and get a fucking job. Don't tell me that you can't find one. A temp agency will give you one tommorrow. no excuses. I guess I am just fed up with helping people who don't want to help themselves. Big dreamers with no points. Big idiotic ideas. I live in the same world you do and nothing has stopped me. I went to school, I found a job. Does that mean I have more chances then you do? hell no.. its determination. its more then that its responsibility. I am not standing on a soap box and saying I am perfect.. by no means what so ever.. HOWEVER! What is it that causes the people around me to crumble? Is it me? Am I submitting them to defeat by helping them by giving them a shoulder? Am I just talking out my ass and letting guilt take over? Should I stop talking? Should I even submit this to the net knowing that its there for all to read? Fuck. Why can't the world be easy and simple and uncomplicated. Why do I worry so much? Why do I help people if I end up bitching about it? Human emotions... thats why.. you get to this point where enough is enough.. ugh.. too much venting I am getting a headache.. don't take anything her personal people its just me...

Current mood: moody

Current music: inconsistant humming..

10:22PM - Did I Stutter? Did I slur? Did I write on my face?

OK me and Kel are watching the parade and she goes "I need to go back to the hotel room to upload some photos and take a few shots because I am not drunk like you" I said I am not drunk. I have only had one drink. As I jab the pen in my face and she goes what? and I say "Did I stutter Did I slur? Did I write on my face?" SHe starts cracking up so hard and it was really funny. Honestly I don't think I am drunk I am typing this aren't I? We are waiting for james,,, oh he's here. I love my jame brown. He's talking right now about how he almost joined the Mile High Club. He's funny. I am going to talk to him now and I will update later.
Peace out Yo.

11:58AM - Vegas HO!!!

Ok so yesterday I get my paycheck and deposit it into my account but I only pulled out 100 and I am going to vegas... how fucking stupid is that? So I get home and trace is waiting with the girls to take me to the airport. I go to get my bag and I checked the mail and my TAXES FINALLY came. woo hoo! So I am like we have to go to the bank so I can get some more money. So I was relieved. I got to the airport a little late and was one of the last in line to get on the plane that totally sucked but I was able to squeeze into the front seats.
My plane was 1/2 hour late getting to vegas. But when I got here man was I relieved. I saw kelly Welly waiting down in the Luggage area. We hopped onto a bus and headed downtown.

I have had fun so far. Kelly didn't get drunk last night but I think I did. I drank a few beers and some vodka and 3 white russians and 1/2 a long island. I also spent like 50 or so bucks. Did I win? fuck no. I didn't win. But I plan on winning today. Kelly took some photos last night I will see if I can get her to post some on my site.
I am in vegas!!! woo hooo!!!

I will write more later.. When I have stories to tell. James brown comes in tonight and I can't wait to see him!!

peace out.

Current mood: ecstatic

Current music: lost boys movie and soundtrack

4:08PM - blah blah blah

Vegas tommorrow.. What were you expecting somthing else?

8:08PM - Time..

Is time on my side? NO I DON"T THINK SO!! If time were on my side. I would already be independently wealthy and I would be lounging in a bar somewhere in the heart of Vegas.. But where am I right now? Broke.. checkin my email at my sisters.... ugh.. For the sake of my sanity.. Can I get some help here?

3:13PM - Friday Five

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why?
Il Fornio's - They have the yummiest Italian food in the whole wide world. And Olive mushroom bread! YUM

2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to?
Baja Fresh.. Great Fish Tacos!

3. What are your standards and rules for tipping?
Take the tax and times by 2.5

4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert?
No dessert. But appetizers Yes. Sometimes its better then the meal.
And you always have take homes.

5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant?
For Lunches.. 1/2 Lemonade 1/2 Iced Tea. For dinner.. something in the "mixed drinks menu"

5:37PM - ok ONE MORE!!.. Too many cute ones today and this is totally me..

Which Weezer Song are You?

5:13PM - ok last one of these things.. yummy

12:13PM - If I can't make the costume in time for halloween. I can be her here..

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By Growing.

9:42AM - another one stolen from kelly

Q. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day?

A. Wake up at 7:30, pee, run a brush through my hair and throw it up in a bun with a hairstick, put on Makeup, deodorant, tommy girl perfume, then run into my bedroom and throw on whatever clothes are clean and run out the door by 7:45.


Q. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed?

A. Turn on the back porch light, secure my house, Shower, brush my teeth, read a book, turn out the light in my room and go to sleep.


Q. What daily routine have you recently added to your day?

A. Um, putting away my makeup when I am done with it. -I am not one for Routines


Q. What routine do you wish you get rid of?

A. Eating.


Q. What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day?

A. Get kisses from smokie. He is soo loving when he doesn't bite.

7:45PM - Survey SAYS..................

I stole this from Kelly's Journal and She stole it from someone else. Please note that these are in no particular order.


15 Years Ago I....
1. was 10 years Old
2. was getting ready to move to California from Colorado
3. was Skinny
4. was Happy
5. Lived near my Uncle John and Aunt Carol ( whom I miss dearly now)

10 Years Ago I...
1. was 15 years old
2. was kicked out of high school for drinking.
3. Was happy
4. Was free
5. was gaining weight

Five Years Ago I...
1. Was 20 years old
2. Was working as a cake Decorator
3. was in Love with Matt Cruz ( and always will be)
4. Moved in with my friend christy.. moved out three months later and will never talk to her again.
5. Bought my first car -a geo

2 Years Ago I...
1. Was in Arizona going to School
2. Met people I will know the rest of my life.
3. Wished I didn't work at arch
4. missed my family
5. Still had my geo

1 Year Ago I...
1. Started working for An advertising firm
2. Went to Las Vegas
3. Moved into my first apartment by myself.
4. had all my friends from college up for a very wild weekend.
5. was happy to be back in california with my family.

Yesterday I...
1. slept til 1:00
2. watched TV with my parents
3. Went to indian food with a bunch of friends
4. Watched Jimmy Eat World on Saturday night live
5. Picked up hammered Danielle at the Raven and took her home

Today I....
1. slept til 1
2. Made french Toast for Breakfast
3. Cleaned my front room and Kitchen
4. Made taco Salad at my parents
5. Did all my laundry

Tomorrow I...
1. Get up early for work and go to a boring ass meeting.
2. Will finish my awards ceremony packets
3. will come home and finish my crafts I started
4. Will Hopefully Clean my bathroom and Dining room.
5. Will try to go to bed early.

5 Items I Have Brand Loyalty To
1. I can't belive its not butter.
2. Secret Deodorant ( same as kelly welly)
3. Diet Coke
4. Scott Toilet Paper
5. Extra gum

5 Snacks I Enjoy
1. Yogurt
2. String Cheese
3. Soy Nuts
4. Low Fat Ruffles and Vegetarian Refried Beans
5. Mamba

5 Songs I Know the Words To, Even Without the Music
1. Me and Bobby Mcgee - Janis Joplin
2. Most Jewel songs
3. The Middle -Jimmy Eat World
4. At Last- Etta James
5. Some blood hound gang Songs.

5 Games I Like
1. Monopoly
2. Rummy
3. Solataire
4. Bloops
5. Runes


5 Things I Would Buy with $1000
1. Computer
2. IRA account so i can save for a house.
3. Plane ticket to New York and One for James Brown so we can go see Ed.
4. New Dining room table
5. Swing set for annabelle and Elizabeth

My Top 5 Guilty Pleasures
1. Being at my moms house.
2. Reading rolling stone in the bathroom.
3. Chicken Soft tacos at Del Taco
4. My cat Smokie ( he is illegally in my house)
5. An Affair to Remember with Cary Grant and a box of Kleenex

Top 5 Musicians Lately
1. Jimmy Eat World
2. Travis
3. Natalie Merchant _ I don't know why but its true
4. Cat Stevens
5. System of a down- ok I know not like the others.. but I love them!

Top 5 Locations I Would Love To Run Away To
1. Las Vegas! - only 10 more days!
2. Muir Beach
3. Seatlle
4. Denver
5. New York

5 Bad Habits I Have
1. Spending money
2. correcting my sister about her kids.
3. Letting people take advantage of me.
4. Not cleaning my cat box
5. Being to vocal about my opinions.

5 Things I Would Never Wear
1. Bikini
2. High Heels
3. FUR- Fucking god damn fur people!!!
4. Things from the Gap
5. Mini skirt

5 TV shows I like
1. Osbournes
2. Real World
3. SOPRANOS!!
4. Friends
5. Sex in the city / Six feet Under

5 Places I Have Lived
1. Thornton, Colorado
2. Fredrick, Colorado
3. Sacramento, California
4. Tempe, Arizona
5. Downtown, Sacramento

My 5 Biggest Worries at the Moment
1. I will never lose weight
2. My Awards Ceremony at work
3. Debt.
4. Family health
5. Friendships

My 5 Biggest Joys at the Moment
1. Cat
2. Friends
3. Anticipation for Vegas and my cruise in November
4. My Bed
5. Family

4:35PM - long time no write

Ok so this week has been hectic as all hell, My dad was in the hospital, My sister and I fought and Its been a bitch at work. I swear sometimes I think I shall go insane. Only 13 more days til vegas though. I am excited about that!! Yea for Vegas!!
So Its defiantly spring. Today outside my windows of my office I saw Mama Duck had her babies. She had 18 little duckies last night. Soo freaking cute. Such beautiful little duckies. I love them alot.
I am not in the moood to write so I won't. I just wanted to update cause I haven't in a while. Nothing is different I am the same. i am jsut very much bored with my life.

9:51PM - Fat

So me and my sister sat here tonight looking on the internet at before and after photos of people who have had the gastro whatever surgery. I think that is dangerous but everyone seems preety happy about it in the end. But I don't think they post the sob stories as much as they do teh good stories.
I will have to look more into it before I decide to do anything like that. maybe get a dr's opinion. they only thing is the Dr who does teh surgery for Sacramento is sooo good looking. I swear And he has to look at my belly? um yeah.. not gonna happen.

Current mood: confused

Current music: comercial in the background for Wonderbread.

4:03PM - responsibilities

So i did my taxes finally. I am happy to finally be able to get some money. Its like a savings plan that the government collects interest on. however it something that I take advantage of. I love it. I love it I love it.
Now if I only had the smarts to buy somthing better then crap. I think I might get a new computer. I couild pay off my car.. but that wouldn't be smart oh yeah and I am going to vegas.. now thats smart.

9:24AM - Fake and Bake

ok.. So my little plan of getting tan.. I was thinking I would get ahead of myself right? So yesterday walking through costco. I walk up to this display of "sunless tanning lotion" it promises "Tans in lest than 30 minutes". (Unlike the regular brand where you have to wait overnight) So I think "Hey I am going to try this." I take it home with me and I am watching the celebrities winning on stage while I slather my legs and arms in this lotion using the horizontal motion. In about 30 minutes I have this glowing beautiful tan. I was soo happy with it. I went and stood under my new "true color" lightbulb to look for splotches there weren't any.. yea.. So I go to bed a happy tan girl. This morning I wake up. I still look good nothing to bad. I go to work. I am sitting here at my desk typing up my stuff and I look down and see somthing a little funny. In between my fingers I have nothing but dark brown color. ok.. its not going anywhere. scrubbing with dawn liquid soap doesn't work.. nothing..
I guess there is a payment for being tan. if its not skin cancer.. its brown between the fingers..

8:26AM - going to vegas

So little Ms Kelly Welly has talked me into goin to vegas next month for Mardi gras. (vegas style) I am excited. I need to still get my taxes done so that I can have monies to go. I think it will be awesome. This means now I have an excuse to stay home on the weekends. For every drink I have in the raven I could be havin one in vegas. YEAH! I am just hoping that I can get the time off of work.I really really really hope so.. I can't think to type right now.. I will update this afternoon..
peace.

9:20AM - Sleepy weekend.

So this weekend was a little boring. Nothing really exciting happened. I really don't have anything to say. I did paint this weekend though. I painted a gothic picture of this girl in a long velvety dress kinda slumped-sleeping on this background of swirrly purples. I still need to finish it. she doesn't have a face and her hair is kinda dull. I might do that tonight. I don't know yet though. I am freezing. This place is sooo cold..

8:09AM - Finally

Everytime I go to write on here I am totally distracted and then it freezes and I have to close everything and then its gone. Grr. And then by the time I go to write again. I totally forgot what I was going to write in the first place.
Ok so I am trying to keep my head up lately. I feel my life is going no where. I used to think that if you had a cool job then you were happy. Everything is a fasad. I like my job yes. But I am not sure I am completly happy with MY life. The time I spend away from work. I am afraid that I am going to get bored and want to leave to another state again. I have been thinking of that. I kinda want to move to Denver or Seattle or New York. I get these feelings inside that make me want to just jump in my geo with my stereo and a few boxes of crap and just go. I know I can't really but what if I did? Why not? I could easily find a job in another state. what if I wanted to move to Montana and be a cowgirl. I could if I wanted to. I am bored with my life. The same things all the time. Last time I was this bored with my life I moved to Phoenix two weeks later. I keep thinking I should go back to school. But I wouldn't go to school if I lived here. I think that I would probably skip alot like I did when I went after High school. I don't know. I want to get my computer so I can finish my Italian lessons. I need to. I want to learn spanish too. I sound like I am dying don't I? I sound like I want to make sure that I do everything before I croak. People say.. Then do it.. whats holding you back? and honestly its guilt. Its the guilt I had when I was in phoenix when I would call home and my family is having a barbeque and swimming and my uncle is down and my brother is there and they are all having fun. And annabelle would get on the phone and ask."why can't you ever be here?" And then for the next few days I am depressed cause I am not with my family and I feel bad because I am searching for something that I still haven't found yet. I was talking to this girl the other day and she was telling me that she is perfectly content with her life. That she is happy. I don't get it. She makes like 6 bucks an hour and lives very cheap but she is happy. I am miserable and I make three times that. So What is my problem? Why am I miserable? What am I searching for? Am I crazy.. I think that I am. I think that I seriously have problems. I constantly have this itch to run but I don't. I dunno. I just totally spilled my inner thoughts and its only 8:30 in the morning. Geez..

12:02PM

So I guess you could say that this weekend was a total Drunken weekend. I was kinda drunk friday night. I was drunk Saturday night and I was drunk ALL day sunday. I swear it was really funny. Danneille was saying yesterday while we were drinking in a pub in Old Sacramento that she feels she didn't really have a weekend cause we only went out once. I was like HELLOOO> we drank at like 2 places friday night and also went out Saturday. Plus we are drinkin now. It was funny. I swear like all day was a booze fest. And the sad thing is we planned it to be. I did go home early though. I was tired and I didn't want to stay all night on a sunday so I didn't. But I did have a nice day. I laughed soo hard my tummy hurt. It was a fun day.

I am soo excited though. I got home Sunday morning to shower and stuff and I had a messege blinking on my machine.. and guess who it was..? ROBB SAENZ! I told you I missed him and two days later he calls. He finally left his number which was soo cool. I left him two messeges and I will prolly be able to talk to him someime in the next week or so. I have to go out in the field but I will write more later..

Peace Out.
Nut Nut.

3:35PM - Grocery Bills

I have decided that I don't have to have a grocery bill cause my sister lives at my moms house now and I can just go eat there. Yea! I just called my mom and told her that and she said "whatever Renee"

So I talked to Kelly Welly the other day on yahoo for like 4 hours, And talking to her made me miss her. I miss hangin out and talking to her a lot more now that I was able to catch up. I wish that distance wasn't always a case with friends. I miss Fast Eddie and James Brown and Whitney and Cara and Kelly Welly and Rob too!. I miss Robb Saenz alot too. even though I saw him a month or so ago. I still miss him cause Ihaven't talked to him since. I am big on when you get to know someone there should be no reason to go your life without knowing them all the time. I think that I will always know Kelly Welly even if we aren't in the same town. I know that I will always know James Brown and Fast Eddie cause they are my buds. I love them! Eddie and James have both told me they will be my Bridesmaids in my wedding too. I love people and Good friends that you can honestly say know you and love you are some of the best things in life. I think I will end on that good note.. I am off to the wishing well to get some Shamrock Stuff.

Peace

Current mood: peaceful

Current music: Nelly Furtado..