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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries recorded in
PassionatePunky's LiveJournal:
| Wednesday, April 17th, 2002 | |
| 12:15 pm | Relating.. and how much I suck at it. Whoo, I'm on a roll here in LiveJournal land. You know, I scare myself. Specifically, with this whole relationship I'm in right now, and with the fact that for so long I avoided it because it was "too good". Because he was "too nice". Because I was scared. I'm still scared. Funny how I've had no problems being in dysfunctional relationships, where I was the one giving and giving and just ended up being taken, but when I get a good one, I just want to sabotage it, because the goodness of it is so foreign. There are days when I honestly think I could just shut myself down again and push him away... for good... just so I don't have to be in this co-dependant state of being. So I could go back to taking care of myself and not running the risk of hurting anyone, or of getting hurt. It scares me that I still think this way, that I could be capable of putting my walls up and telling him to go away, to leave me alone.. to not love me anymore. I feel bad for letting him get in so deep... for allowing him to care about me so much... when I still have these fleeting ideas. I'll admit, I'm not the most stable person right now. hah, have I ever been? No.... Just taking one day at a time, kids... |
| 12:08 pm | The Weather It is so beautiful outside, and I am lucky in that I don't have to work today *Does happy dance*.... The birds are chirping and there is a heavenly breeze blowing through the house. It isn't nearly as hot as it was yesterday, so yay for that. I will probably be getting a new job soon, in a different department at the hospital. I hope it all works out because I will actually have REAL hours (7-3:30, Mon through Fri, and only every 5th weekend!!) And no holidays!! And after a while I will be given a computer and two extra phone lines at home, free of charge, with which I will be working from home 3 weeks out of the month. Awesome, no? It's going to be such an improvement from the job I have right now, which has been killing me for a year. I have so much I need to get done today, but as usual, I don't feel like doing anything. *sigh* Life is pretty crazy right now. Some of it good crazy, and some of it bad crazy. Worrying doesn't help though, I suppose. mmmmm... reese's peanut butter cups help though... yummmmm..... |
| 4:35 am | RE: Courtney's question about Jer and I I tried to write this as a reply to a question Courtney had asked, but I exceeded the amount of words one is allowed to post in a reply, so here it is, as a post...... **************************************** Gee, I'm only replying about a month late.... grrrr... ANYWHO.... I believe you had asked me about how and when and why Jeremy and I got all into relationship mode.... Well, that's sort of a long story, but I will try to "Reader's Digest Abbreviate" it for you. I started working at the hospital I'm at in December of 2000. Jeremy was then working as a student in my department (radiology) learning the joys of taking x-rays and other such things. He was also developing a keen interest in yours truly. In about April of 2001, I started thinking that maybe he had a crush on me or something. He'd "happen" to walk past my office many times throughout the day, but I didn't think too much of it... and then one day he was like, "how's your day going?" and since we hadn't really ever talked before, I was sort of... alarmed by his talking to me. Honestly, I was still stuck on Dan and I hadn't even given Jeremy a second thought, romantically or otherwise. And even when I did give him a second thought, it didn't result in me falling for him in the least. At the end of April/beginning of May 2001, one of our mutual friends at work told me that Jeremy had been saying stuff about me when they went out, and that he wanted my phone number... so I gave the friend my number, and Jeremy called me... perhaps even that same night.. I'm not quite sure. I think it was pretty soon though. So.... we talked for a while in May. We had long phone conversations that were interesting and always made me laugh.. and I did always feel sort of nervous/giddy afterwards... but I STILL did not like him "like that". We were supposed to go out to a movie or something after work one day, and I kept working long hours, and it kept getting cancelled and cancelled (by me)... (honestly, we *could* have gone out.. but I kept avoiding it... to this day I don't know why, but I will be the first to say-- I blew it.. even after people were like, "What's the deal?".. I just made up some excuses and moved on.... and never returned Jeremy's phone calls again..... Bad move!! Not to mention the fact that it caused some serious tension at work... I felt so bad for avoiding him, so what did I do?--- that's right kids, Sondra the nonconfrontational person that she is-- AVOIDED him more!! I'd take different paths around the office to prevent seeing him, and eventually he went on rotation to different hospitals in the area, so I didn't see him for a few months or something..... and then one day I was walking out of my office and BAM, who was standing around the corner?... Jeremy. Crap!! I felt so bad. I figured he hated me for dissing him so badly before. Eventually, we got to hanging out around the department more.. working our way into the same conversations and such, and it wasn't quite so awkward anymore. The more I was around him, the more he started to intrigue me, and before I knew it, I was babbling on about him to my best friend, just somehow bringing him up in conversations and stuff (without realizing it) and she was like, "Dude, you totally like this Jeremy guy" and I was like, "Nuh-uh!! Do not!! No way!!" And I continued denying it until I realized at work one day how much I liked seeing him walk down my hall and how much it made my heart do this weird little lurching-stop-in-my-chest sort of thing... And I realized... my friend was right... I *gasp* DID like Jeremy! AHHHHHH!! So.... one day in December I was planning to see Oceans 11 (for the third time), and as was my usual ritual, I was planning to go see it alone. I walked out to the front office to fax some document and I see Jeremy sitting next to the fax machine, waiting for a patient or something, and I think to myself-- "You know Sondra, you do still owe that guy a movie..." (since we were supposed to go see a movie WAY back in last May)... and-- I still can't believe this move myself-- but I walked right up to him and asked him what he was doing that night, and he was like, "Nothing" and I said matter-of-factly "Well, would you want to go see a movie with me tonight?" And... he shrugged and said, "Sure" So.. I guess you could say December 14th was our first "date". We've pretty much been inseperable since then, or at least since January. Jeremy graduated in December and is now a full-time employee of our radiology department, specializing in CT. (cat scans) I guess the thing that really clinched it for me was this one day after he graduated, he had to go take a registry test to get his state license, so he was going to miss a whole day of work..... and wouldn't you know, that day was sooooooooooo long and sooooooo boring without Jeremy there. Everytime I'd see some tall guy walking down the hall, my breath would catch and I'd glance up hoping to see him, and instead it would be someone else, and I was so disappointed... At at the end of January, before I went back to Utah to visit for a week, the night before I left actually... Jeremy and I talked on the phone for 7 hours... and then I drove over there at 5:30 a.m. and were going to get breakfast, but instead fell asleep on the couch (him on one end and me on the other)... but that was the closest we'd ever been to "cuddling" or anything, and I was all nervous and thought he was going to try to bust a move or something... he never did... anyways, then I went to Utah... and used up two phone cards calling him from there... heheh... Ahhhh.. I dunno... I guess it isn't that great of a story. I mean, notice how I didn't say anywhere about "oh and then I prayed and fasted for two weeks to make sure it was God's will" and everything.... it just sort of happened... I'm not sure right now if that was good or bad, and let me tell you-- at first I did catch some flak from my Christian friends... which... is understandable. Jeremy isn't even a "Christian". He was raised Catholic but doesn't agree with everything, and has been going to church with me, but it's not like we're doing a Bible study together or praying together or anything. And I'll admit... I do hope/pray for that to happen someday... I know given my relationships in the past, that this was the LAST thing I probably should have done.. (jumped into a relationship with a nonbeliever).. but hey-- at least he's not mormon, right? Haaaaaaaa.. I don't know... I can't really justify it or explain it in any way except that I love him very much, and I am certain that he loves me. He treats me better than any other boyfriend I've ever had, and he really is always looking out for me. He respects me and honors me. He was the first guy who ever actually established that he cared about me before trying to kiss me or even hold my hand or anything. I told him once, "I was really surprised that in all that time we spent together you didn't try to bust a move... I was beginning to think that you didn't actually like me." and he said, "Well that's not the way you tell someone you care about them"..... And you know what else? He listens to me. I mean, really listens. I can mention something insignificant on the side about something, and totally forget about it-- and he'll bring it up weeks later, and it will just blow me away... he really hears the things I say. I dunnno..... I guess there's a LOT I could say about all of this... but I'm happy. We're planning a future together, and I hope it works out... I guess I have a lot riding on "I hope"... and maybe that seems stupid. It breaks my heart to think that maybe I messed up again and that this is going to be another failed relationship with more of my heart squandered... but... I guess that's the risk I'm willing to take. I don't want to let him go. I love him, and his family. I feel like I could spend every day with him and still be happy to be around him in 50 years. There is a part of me that is reluctant though... questioning, doubting... and I honestly don't know if that is just ME being paranoid or if there is some validity to it.. like maybe God saying, "Duh you dummy, what are you thinking?" Okay so God wouldn't say that, but you know what I mean? I dunno... it scares me too much to think about, because right now all I know is that Jeremy is a good guy, and we are good together. I mean, my parents were/are supposed to be "christians" and their relationship is one of the worst relationships I've ever seen in my life. Jeremy and I, we're doing good. It's a healthy relationship, and we love each other. Famous last words, right? We'll see....... but for right now, I feel pretty blessed. (sorry this post got so long.. but hey... I miss ya) :) |
| Tuesday, March 19th, 2002 | |
| 3:17 am | Hmmm. My eyes hurt so badly, I can barely see, but I want to write this down. Today, well, yesterday, March 18th, just about a week after my birthday, my mom got served with divorce papers. My dad wants sole custody of my brothe (15)r, and the house. As well as numerous other things, such as our slide projector for goodness sakes, which is crazy, since the only slides we have are FAMILY slides, and he obviously doesn't give a shit about our family. Screw him. He didn't mention anything in the papers about my sister or I, since we're 18 and 21, and of no legal leverage to him. He'll never win though, because he has some serious issues in his life, of which my mom has tangible proof in a safe deposit box, which will bring all credibilty of being a suitable father to a crashing halt. Today was just an all around bad day. I could SENSE that something was wrong. It was quite strange. Jeremy (my wonderful, loving, supportive, amazing boyfriend) fell asleep at about 9:30 and I was just sitting there, thinking to myself about all the junk that's been going on in my family, and I started crying.... which then woke Jeremy up from his nap and he asked what was wrong... and I didn't tell him, because it was honestly a combination of things, and I didn't want to talk about it, and it turned into a big ordeal because *HE* then started crying because I wasn't opening up to him and allowing him to help me, and he felt that I didn't trust him, and this went on for about an hour, and finally I just told him that I was upset about my parents, and he held me and listened to me talk and he said all the things that someone is supposed to say like, "your parents still love you, even if they don't love each other" and all that sort of thing, and that everything happens for a reason, and all that... so we're okay now, and really, it amazed me again just exactly how much he does care about me. I just wish I could be with him all the time. :( Anyways, then I got home to find out that my mom had gotten served with papers today. I KNEW something was wrong. I could feel it. Too bad no one thought to call me and let me know. I have a cellphone. Oh well. My mom had already called and talked to my grandma, and just expected my grandma to tell me. So, she probably will, in a few hours when I go to work. "have a nice day today honey, oh... and your parents are getting divorced"... I feel like throwing up. I just want to call off work today, but that would be stupid. oh well. life goes on, right? i need to sleep.... (A special thank you to Courtney for the nice b-day card. You rock, girl!!!) |
| Monday, March 11th, 2002 | |
| 2:14 am | I'm not dead.... ....I'm very much alive. I just wanted to say HELLO and give a shout out to all my LJ homies... I miss you and still continue to check in once and a while to see what you all are up to... I LOVE YA!!!!!! I owe you a million explainations and I have a billion stories to tell, but since i Have to be at work in 5 hours and I haven't slept yet, I'm gonna sleep. But I do have a few headlines... 1. my parents are splitting up... and 2. i'm in looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove. So my life has been sucking and yet at the same time the best it has ever been. Crazy, no?? And oh yeah, I'm legal now... 21, whoohooo... I didn't even buy any alcohol. But I did get food poisoning. And I just got over having tonsillitis. I guess that's all. Love ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep the faith!!!!!! |
| Thursday, January 17th, 2002 | |
| 4:45 pm | Random... On a random note, only 2% of screenplays submitted are ever accepted. 2%. And on an interesting note, you can go look at how stupid some of those 2% are, at www.scriptsales.com (sorry, I'll make a link to it later) Seriously, some of those plot outlines are SO DUMB. |
| 4:39 pm | *contented sigh* I actually feel good today. Physically (although my nose is still chapped, grr), and otherwise. I feel... optimistic even. Hopeful. I got things accomplished today!! It's been a while. I celebrated by drinking Dr. Pepper from a champange glass. ;) Yes, I am a nerd. I cleaned the kitchen. Did dishes. Cleaned out the fridge. (Scary.) Went through the mail. Paid some bills. The heavy opressive weight that has been making me sooooo depressed for unknown reasons, has lifted today, and I'm not sure why. I'm glad though. I feel as though a few of the clouds are parting and little rays of sunshine are flittering in. The bad part about today is that I cut my right index finger REALLY deep while trying to wash out a can of cat food. Owwwwww. And it's deep, and scary. I put a band-aid on it. A plain one. I'm out of Winnie-the-Pooh band-aids, much to my dismay. I guess that's all for now. I have to mop and take a shower and get ready for this meeting I'm supposed to be going to.... Oh, and I did laundry today, too!!! Rock on Babylon! Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: The Beastie Boys- No Sleep till... Brooklyn! |
| Monday, January 14th, 2002 | |
| 12:58 am | Also... It is my new goal to write a screenplay written specifically to star Casey Affleck. He is simply brilliant. So, yeah. Miramax... keep your eyes open. ;) |
| 12:10 am | I wish I could quit my life. I'm not talking suicide or anything, I just wish I could quit my life. My job, my circumstances, my location.... quit it all. And start over again. Refreshed and with new energy for it all. This living thing is tiring, you know? It wears a person down. Chews you up and spits you out. I wish I had a bunch of money, so I could quit my job and go on a roadtrip and sleep for a week straight. (In no particular order.) I would buy flannel sheets and a big down comforter. I'd put a piece of cardboard in my window to block out all the sunlight, turn on some music, pull the blanket over my head, and not come out. For a week. Or something. I just wonder what it's like to be so free of responsibility. To not HAVE to go to work. To not HAVE to worry about where the money is coming from, to pay the bills. To have the freedom to just.. go wherever you want, or to not go anywhere at all. I wish I would have signed up for classes this semester. Grrr. I wanted to take Composition and Intro to Film. Instead, tomorrow I'll go to the job I hate, with little or no ambition, and proceed to hate it all day long. There is no end in sight. Sometimes I pray that they will fire me, and that I can get some mindless job like working at Best Buy (no offense to best buy people. I love you, as well as your store.).... I need a break..... Attention millionaires of the world: Care to spare a few bucks (50 grand or so?) so that I can live worry-free for a while, maybe take a vacation to someplace I've never been, as well as work on my writing? It would be a worthwhile contribution, I assure you. Please? |
| Sunday, January 13th, 2002 | |
| 11:50 am | I've had kind of a yucky weekend. And also didn't anything accomplished. I'm so bad at accomplishing stuff lately. Hmm.. I will be in Utah in two weeks. The funny thing is, I don't even want to be there. I wish now that I would have saved my money and not spent it on the plane ticket, and not taken that unpaid week off from work. (I have to go though, because I got my ticket off Priceline.. and if I don't use it, I can't return it or exchange it...) I've found out a few things in the past few days. Namely, that my parents have totally given up on working anything out in their marriage. Well, my DAD has totally given up. My mom wants to work things out. But.. my dad doesn't love my mom anymore. He doesn't even like her as a friend. (Imagine hearing that from your husband. In the company of your two pastors. Humiliating, a bit?) It's all a big mess... I dunno... now my dad is trying to get himself out out debt, and I take that as "trying to get himself out of debt so that he can afford his divorce".... because my mom said that she isn't going to do anything to help the divorce or whatever. She'll answer the summons, but she won't give one or whatever. I'm not too familiar with all the legal jargon. Supposedly my dad said he's going to stick around until my brother graduates high school. My brother is SUPPOSED to graduate in 2004. So that's two years. However, my brother is literally flunking out of school. I doubt he even graduates. And I bet my dad doesn't wait that long. So here's the thing. In two weeks, I get to go hang out with the happy fam, and pretend everything is okay, and that I don't know any of this. OR. I do the usual "Sondra" thing, speak my mind and heart, say too much, and make a bigger mess of things. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm pissed off. I'm pissed that my dad thinks it's finally okay to just.. abandon his family because we're "Of age" or whatever. I'm VERY serious about my family. You don't screw around with my family. You mess with my family, you're messing with something very dear to me, and you're going down. So I'm mad. Even though... my whole life.. I've been sick of the fighting and the not getting along... I realize that this isn't the answer either. So I'm mad at both my parents. Mad because they have never learned to communicate with each other. Oh, they've gotten real good at going to other people and whining about the state of their relationship, but they never talked to EACH OTHER. I'm mad because they run around acting like 8 year olds, and then try to be all "i'm the parent, you have to listen to me, you have to respect me". Uhhh.. yeah. Why do you think my brother is failing school, and doesn't give a crap about anything? And, why are my parents helpless to do anything about it? I want to save my family. I really do. And the thing is, I know I'm not going to be able to. I'm not going to be able to go there, give some emotion-riddled speech about family responsibility, and be able to undo 21 years of dysfunction. I can't MAKE my parents love each other. I can't make them care. But I would die trying, you know? I wish I could just bring my brother and sister back with me. I wish I could so badly. We could get our own place. This whole thing just gives me a headache. I want to throw up. Because I *know* that most likely things are going to get very messy before everything is said and done. My mom is going to flip out. She has all this "secret evidence" about how my dad is a bad father.. which I'm sure she'll love to bring up. And my dad will probably testify about how my mom has emotional or mental problems. And my brother and sister and I will just stand by and watch it all. Only I won't stand by and watch it, because I'll be in Ohio. And I feel guilty about that like you don't know. ahh.. I dunno. whatever. |
| Thursday, January 10th, 2002 | |
| 6:28 pm | Huh? I seriously need to stop writing at 4 a.m. It ends up being all jumbly and not making any sense. Also. I should start sleeping at night sometimes. Time I went to bed: 6 Time I got up for work: about 7:15 Although, I did feel refreshed at the time. I'm very sleepy right now though..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Off to bible study... |
| 4:06 am | On Unrequited Love --she said I don?t know if I?ve ever been good enough I?m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in and I don?t know if I?ve ever been really loved by a hand that?s touched me, well I feel like something?s gonna give and I?m a little bit angry-- Push- Matchbox 20 --------------------------------------- "I don't like you like *that*." Ah yes. We've all heard that one, haven't we? And most of us have said it, too. It stings. And it stays. It stabs with a pain so profound that we're often surprised there isn't a big dark spot left on our clothes where our hearts came bleeding out. I don't care who you are, there either is, or there will be, at some point in your life, "the one who got away". Or, "the one who ran screaming in the other direction". Either way. And as I was discussing with a friend tonight.... does it ever really go away? When you bump into this person 5 years down the road... do you still have some lingering emotion toward them? Will that piece of your heart... no matter how small... always somehow belong to them, no matter how much you try to claim it again as your own? Yeah, I think so. I can shut myself down and close myself off. I can laugh it off, and I can put on my "bitter" mask... but.. I still feel SOMETHING. It might not mean I'd still want to be with that person... but it means they've affected me, for the better and the worse, forever. Such is life, though, right? We live and learn and grow. But damn if there aren't some growing pains along the way. I've decided to recount something I wrote a while ago (2000), in one of my paper journals. I'm not naming names, because I'm not entirely sure of who is out there reading this... and besides, I respect that person's privacy... ******************************* ...And then there's _______. Crap... yes, I loved him. Never stopped loving him. Even when I was "seeing" other people, he was always lurking somewhere in my mind/heart. I don't know quite what to do with these rebellious feelings of mine. I wish my mind had more control over my heart and its frivolous meanderings. I guess now I understand why some people drink so much. I could keep myself busy all day with work, and then come home and get totally plastered, and not have to deal with these heavy oppressive feelings. It would work, I'm sure, but I don't want to become a functional alcoholic. Or even a dysfunctional one. (haha) I pray for him, though. A lot. I hope that he's happy. And I worry about him, too. I'm worried about him getting involved with the wrong girl for the wrong reasons and getting hurt. I'm worried about him getting involved with the wrong girl for the RIGHT reasons, and getting hurt. And, I'm worried about him getting involved with the RIGHT girl for the RIGHT reasons, and falling completely and totally in love. Without me. One of these days, I know it will happen. Yep... one of these days he'll stumble into the path of some cute charming girl with a sense of humor and a soft spot in her heart for the likes of his grizzly bear self. She'll look past the farting and the burping and the scratching, and see all of him, and decide she can't live without him-- or, that she could, but she just doesn't want to. *sigh* Yes, it's something I actually FEAR. Total happiness for someone I call a friend. I'm such a selfish bitch sometimes, honestly. But... the thought of it makes my stomach ill. One day I'll get a call or an email or something about how damn happy and lovesick he is over this "really great girl" (although, he wouldn't say it that way, I'm sure), and the thing is, she actually really WILL be great, and wonderful to him, and so sweet.... so sweet that I *won't* be able to hate her with a bitter loathing reserved only for pedophiles and Hitler. No, no, I'll actually LIKE this girl, and it will drive me absolutely nuts. And they'll be all mushy and it will make me secretly sneak off to the bathroom and vomit last week's breakfast right up from my toes. And then I'll have to suck it up (my self-control, not my vomit), and be happy for them, and go buy some cheesy wedding gift... something annoyingly practical like a blender, toaster, or waffle iron. Or Tupperware. Man, everyone's crazy about that stupid Tupperware. It's freezer safe. It's microwave safe. Well, la-dee-frickin-da. Super. Have a happy life together. Make lots of babies and populate the world 10 times over with your goodness. Just realize that *I'll* be the one chain-smoking outside in the rain at your wedding--no, change that, it wouldn't dare RAIN on the wedding day of these two love birds. Nope. A perfect sunny summer day. Well, then at least it will be HUMID. HAHA!! Her hair will go flat and she'll be sweaty, and her wedding dress will stick to her..... but, since she's so GREAT, everyone will only notice how "natural and glowing" she is. Glowing my ass!! That's sweat, sweat I tell you!! Damn you people!! Anyways... I'll be the one chain smoking outside during the bouquet toss, muttering things under my breath right before I get pecked to death by homicidal pigeons. Great. Just great. Too bad he can't just wait for ME. **************************************** Now.. I hope everyone realizes that that is actually a humerous piece.. to be taken lightly. See, I can't even be serious in my journal. I have to throw in some humor to lighten up the mood a bit, no? I do and do not still feel that way. Like I said, that was written a long time ago. I'd like to say that I've grown enough by now that I'd actually be happy for him if he found the right person and settled down. Yeah, actually I would be. Well, under two conditions. 1) That I find someone first, and 2) That one day, many years down the road, after his wife becomes annoying, that he'll look back on his life and think.. "gee... I wonder why I never appreciated Sondra." haaaaaaaa.. I'm kidding again. I don't even know if I feel anything for that person anymore. So not knowing is better than knowing I do. But I know that I did, once upon a time. I did, and it was a special time in my life, and there are memories that linger, and a few songs on the radio that still make me think about it sometimes. And sometimes, when we hang out, there's maybe a millisecond that passes in a moment where I could imagine things being like how they were.. new and yet familiar; comfortable and intriguing. But we don't really know each other anymore. Our paths don't cross (perhaps purposefully so) very often, and when they do.. I'm usually obnoxious and overly sarcastic and unfeeling. Because... I feel safer that way. Or something. Times change, and people change. It's like at the end of "Circle of Friends"... (spoiler ahead-- so if you haven't seen this movie, don't listen to anything I say right now).... where Jack walks into the store where Benny's working, and asks her if she could ever love him again, and she says no. And then she tells him, "nah.. that's a lie.. I could love you again.. but I don't know if I want to." And she says that they don't even know each other anymore, that she's changed, and that he would have to get to know her as she is now, and vice versa. So they do. And then they sleep together in that little cottage and the movie ends, and we assume they live happily ever after. This isn't the movies, though. I used to hope that something like that would happen... that he'd somehow have some mind-altering revelation about what a great person I am, and we'd fall in love and live mostly happily ever after. I don't hope that anymore. It's not realistic. Besides, I didn't lose in this situation. I learned a lot. And, it doesn't mean there is anything freakishly wrong with *me*. It doesn't even mean that he doesn't care for me as a friend, or respect me as a person, because he does, I'm pretty sure. It just means he doesn't *love* me. He doesn't want me to do his laundry or pack his lunch. And you know what? I'm fine with that. You know why? Because I would much rather have a little heartbreak when someone realizes they DON'T care about me like that, and have them be a man and tell me, then have them go on pretending for years, and end up in a loveless marriage two or three decades down the road. I don't want to be walking down that aisle in an expensive white dress, looking all beautiful on my special day, to end up standing next to a guy who doesn't REALLY TRULY want to be there. Who isn't all giddy and ready to pass out with the joy that I'm going to be his WIFE. I *Deserve* to be REALLLY special to that person. (Cause, let's face it, I rock. I'm super. I'm.. not humble at all...) He could have pretended. Or he could have tried to MAKE himself care about me.. because, heck, I would have been really nice and treated him good. But instead, he was honest... it broke my heart (a few times).... but that's nothing compared to how bad it could have been. Whew. Wow. What do ya say to that one? "Thanks for breaking my heart and saving my love life"... I don't think Hallmark makes a card for that one. And, ya know, I might not actually "love" him how I once did, but I sure do respect him. And I still do hope he's happy, and that he does one day find someone as awesome as me (not likely *grin*) whom he DOES "like that way". Ahhh.. anyways. In conclusion: Loving someone who doesn't love you back...... it sucks. But sometimes it helps you learn to love yourself, and that they were actually right, after all. It's a hard thing to face, but... you just have to trust that God still has the plan, ya know? What God brings together, let no man break apart, yes. But what God breaks apart... we should also leave broken. It wouldn't truly be a union orchestrated by God if we were hovering over it, trying to glue it back together all the time. When the pieces don't fit, they don't fit. Pounding your fist on the puzzle isn't going to do you a bit of good. It might LOOK right jamming that piece into place... but it's not. Anyone looking at the "big picture" on the box is going to realize that what you've created isn't the REAL picture, how it was intended to be. Only God has that picture. So what did we/I learn tonight? Loving someone who doesn't love you back is tough. But.... Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. (James 1:2-3) Or something like that. I am sooooooooooo tired. Goodnight. Current Mood:  thoughtfulCurrent Music: Push- Matchbox twenty |
| 12:03 am | I am really thirsty. I think I will go get a glass of water...... mmmmm... water. |
| Wednesday, January 9th, 2002 | |
| 11:56 pm | I stole this survey from Courtney, who stole it from Cloey. 1. Name: Sondra 2. Age: 20... 3. Birthdate: March 10, 1981 4. Eye Colour: Blue/Green/ahh.. hazel I guess 5. Hair Colour: Feria "Brilliant Bordeaux" #56 (auburn/red) 6. Height: 5'4.. on a tall day 7. Reside in: Ohio 8. R U a night owl? Very much so 9. R U an early bird? Nooo. 10. At what time of day do you feel your best? mmm... probably about 8 p.m. or so 11. Do you get bored?Yes.. 12. Do you sleep? Occasionally :) 13. What school do you go to? I don't. 14. What school is the best? Ohio State 15. What do you think of Christmas? It's nice. 16. Do you like presents? I suppose. Yeah. 17. Who's Santa? My grandma. (hee) 18. Fav. animal: Dog 19. Fav. colour: blue 20. 2nd Fav. colour: red, i guess 21. Black or white? Black 22. Red or orange? Red 23. Purple or green? Purple 24. Grey or beige? Grey 25. Blue or yellow? Blue 26. What's so good about the #23? ummm... michael jordan? I have no idea. 27. Jeans or sweatpants? Jeans, unless I'm just lazing around for the day 29. Do you have a mom? Yeah. She lives in utah. I miss her sometimes. 30. What nicknames do you have? Punky, "the divine Miss P", Shorty, i guess that's all 31. Ever been in love? Maybe. I've definitely loved. 32. Do you have a dad? Yep. 33. Do you love your parents? Yes 34. Do you love your friends? Yes 35. How many bro's? 1 36. How many sis's? 1 37. What's your mom's name? Lisa 38. Dad's name? John 39. Have any pets? a cat, some mice.. (go away mice!) 40. Dog or cat? dog 41. Frog or snake? frog 42. Monkey or mouse? monkey 43. Do you like animals? sure 44. Do you like hospitals?I HATE THEM!! Especially the one I work at!!! boooo!!! 45. Do nurses and doctors freak you out? No. Nurses are great. Especially ones named Momo. (only like one person will understand that, but that's okay) 46. R U attracted to sick people? Uhhh.. depends on the definition of sick. 47. Does medicine actually cure you? Sure 48. Do hospital smells bug you? I dunno.... I don't think so. 49. Does the sight of blood make you sick? Depends. 50. Do you like needles? NO. 51. Enjoy pain or despise it? Apparently I enjoy emotional pain.. ha. but physical pain I run from. 52. What comes to mind with water? drinking water, waterfalls 53. Do you admire oceans? Yeah, i guess they're nice. 54. Sun or moon? Moon 55. Is rain good? Yeah 56. Have grandparents? Yes 57. Name a weird girl: Courtney (i'll keep that answer ;) ) 58. Does it matter if girls wear make-up? Make up makes me pretty.. so I like it. ha. 59. Yellow or pink-orange socks? uuuuhh... white. 60. Do you eat? Yeah, obviously, or I'd be like.... dead, duh. 61. Are men from mars and women from venus? I'm from Jupiter, actually. 62. Qui adore-tu? Sphincter says what? 63. Long hair or short? Short and punky. But I need to get it cut again. Cause it is not quite as punky as it used to be. 64. Do you like popcorn? no. ew. 65. Can you dance? umm. not in public. think, "elaine benes" on Seinfield. haaaa. 66. Fav. music? i like rockin out. 67. Like Instrumentals? eh, depends 68. Fav. band: don't even make me answer this one. i have a lot of faves!!!! 69. Who is Danielle Bourque? I couldn't tell you. If you want, I could make something up. Ummmmm.. yeah... no idea. 70. Do you enjoy church? As long as it's making me feel better about myself, yeah!! (ha) 71. Like classical music?eh, specifically, Beethoven's 9th.. 72. Hmmm... river valley's? sure 73. Like TV? eh, i prefer movies 74. You despise secular music? Nope. 75. What year are you born in? 1981 76. Isn't Michael W. Smith your fav? No. But he's cool. One of the best worship experiences ever, was at his concert this past summer. He is great at leading worship. 77. Planning on going to college? yes, pleeease, eventually 78. Enjoy baby sitting? I don't sit on babies. That's mean. (actually, i don't like to babysit very much.) 79. Courting or dating? Cuddling. Wait.. no. Boys are ickky!!!!! Boo love!! boo!! 80. What do you think of a penny? I think they're ugly. All coppery and brown. ew. and they smell. 81. Glass half full or empty? The glass is broken. I threw it against the wall. 82. Ever been engaged? Sure, lots of times. (no.) 83. What would you do w/a million $? Quit my job in a heartbeat. Give my car away. Buy a Nissan X-terra (2001 model, before they made the headlights all round and stupid), either silver or black. travel the country, writing, and rocking out to music along the way. follow bands around like the freak that I am. 84. Do you like hoodies? YESS!!! My favorite is my dark blue John Rueben hoodie 85. Can you cry? On demand. Give me a cookie. (No, i can't really cry on demand. Sometimes I can't even cry when I'm sad. I'm a masochist. Or something.) 86. Saddest thing ever: ummm.. how much I hate my job. 87. Got yourself a girl/guy? Yeah, I've got one of each. Ha, actually, no. 88. Can you drive? I am a drivin' FOOL. I've put 1000 miles on my car in under 3 weeks. 89. Do you use kleenex? Yeah.. errr... or toilet paper. 90. How many calendars do you have? 2 91. Do you like hockey? Yes, as long as there are fights... 92. What do you do with that bag of turkey innards in your turkey?: Oh gross. This is why I don't cook. 93. Enjoy sleeping?: OH yes. (although, I hardly ever sleep.. so.. go figure. I do enjoy it though. A lot.) 94. What do you think of onions?: Yeah, I totally think of Shrek when I think of Onions now, too.. ummm.. unions are okay on some things. as long as they're cooked. 95. Gretski's old #?not a clue. 96. Ever watched boy meets world? Yes! fun show! 97. What's baywatch? Uh, you mean boobie watch? 98. Home for the holidays?: i don't have a home. actually i have two. so it never feels like i am home for the holidays, ever. don't ever move away. 99. Do you drink?: yes, i consume liquids 100. Fav. beverage: Dr. Pepper, lemonade, water 101. Fav. pop: see above 102. Like meatballs? ew, no. 103. 3 words to describe your room: messy, messy, messy 104. Like freckles?no. hate them. a lot. 105. Describe P.J's: ooooh.... comfy..... 106. Like babies?: as long as they're not puking or pooping on me. 107. Curly or straight? Are we talking about french fries, or hair? I don't really have a preference for either. 108. How old is your dad?: 43. (gosh.. he's getting old.... strange...) 109. Remember grade 7? yeah, good times. 110. Blond,red, or brown? don't care 111. Like janitors?: Janitors rule. I hate germs. So Janitors are my friend, totally. Sanitize away, Janitor guy! 112. Is homework your passion? Homework? What's homework? 113. What are lips?: *kiss*kiss* 114. Love cafeteria food?: I must say, the cafe at work as good food. 115. 1 word for studying: BORING 116. Fav. number: 1 or 2, or 10..... i don't really have one i guess. 117. Watch the news? rarely 118. Mom's birthday: December 31, 1962 119. Hamburgers or milkshakes? both.... yummmmmmm 120. A prep? Nope. 121. 1 word to describe life: strange. 122. Kind of car you prefer: NISSAN XTERRA 123. Can you work an oven? Yeah. But I don't. 124. Ever smoked?: Yeah.. most of the summer of 2000. and like 5 times since then. only socially... it does nothing for me. i don't get addicted or anything. (thankfully) I actually like the smell. Strange, no? 125. Do you like tennis shoes? Yep. Adidas. 126. Like tank tops? Yeah. 127. Do you wear cologne/perfume? Yeah. 128. Like worms? ew, no. 129. 2 words about pillows: very comfy 130. 1 thing you're scared about of guys/girls: that they don't really love me. 131. Planning on getting married?: Not currently. Maybe not ever. I don't really care. 132. Do you go to church? yes 133. Do you wear rings (even if you're not engaged/maried/dating)? i wear lots of rings. I've got 7 rings on right now. 134. Fav. cartoon character: heathcliff 135. Do dogs drool and cats rule? no. 136. Who is Pamela Anderson? "Plastic Makes It Possible" 137. Do you use soap? yes... 138. Least Fav. colour: i like all colors. except maybe pink. 139. Are you hands dry? yeah. i need lotion. 140. Most romantic thing: Romance, yuck. romantic things make me feel wierd. 141. Like earings? yeah. 142. Interested in graduating? N/A 143. Often tired? Always. 144. Do you like clay? yeah, i guess 145. Believe in ghosts? i don't really have a belief or disbelief about them. 146. Have a secret passion for egg nog? I like it at christmas 147. Are you a Christian? Yep. 148. Believe in God? Yep. 149. Fav. church song: Breathe or Holy And Annointed one.. (don't know if that's the name) 150. Like the name Hannah? Not particularly, except that it's a palindrome, so it's kinda cool like that. 151. How many kids do you want?: i don't know. childbirth frightens me. so do germs. i used to want 2 boys and 1 girl. 152. Considered doing drugs? Yeah, once upon a time. sometimes i wonder what it's like. but i wouldn't. it's not worth it. 153. Considered witch craft? No, never. Wouldn't ever even play with an Ojuja board. 154. Love pizza? yes. |
| Monday, January 7th, 2002 | |
| 1:43 pm | Awww.. I can't believe some of you are still sticking around to see what I have to say on any given day. How can you appreciate this mind-dribble that I occasionally spout out? Hmmm... it's a mystery, but I'm glad that you enjoy it. I missed you all too. I am going to TRY to write more. This is a whole part of my "organizing my time" this year and whatnot..... We'll see..... |
| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002 | |
| 12:22 am | Things I Resolve for 2002: a.k.a.- My New Years Resolutions 1. Sleep more. 2. Exercise 3. Only go to Wendy's ONCE a week or less. 4. Get my finances under control. 5. Be more responsible. (I'm not really sure what that means, except that I just don't FEEL responsible/like an adult). 6. Be more commited to my bible study. 7. Quit my job. 8. I can't believe I just said 'quit my job'. I hate my job though. So I should find something else or learn to enjoy what I do. 9. Drink more water 10. Relax 11. Be a better friend/person in general. Sleep more. Did I mention sleep more? :) |
| Tuesday, January 1st, 2002 | |
| 7:41 pm | It has been a long, long time since I have written. I owe a *lot* of people 'thank you's' as well as returned phone calls, emails, and whatnot. Honestly....... I am so bad at communication. If you don't hear from me for a month, don't take it personally.... sometimes I'm just... selfish? Self-absorbed? Tired? Busy? Stressed? I dunno. All of the above I suppose. I'm okay. I'm not dead. I'm doing fine. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year's eve/New Year's Day. I always get kinda funny about the whole "switching to a new year" thing. It seems so permanant... so formal... I'm so bad at living in the past within my mind, that it is sometimes strange to ring in a new year and think,"wow... 2002... why do I still feel like it should be 1999" or something like that. I don't really know how to explain it. I had a really good time last night, so naturally I was pretty depressed today, because today was by contrast boring and lonely. Oh well. A big group of us (25 or so) (no I don't actually have 25 friends.. probably about 6 of them knew who *I* was).... anyways.. a big group of us went out to eat at the Maumee Bay Brewing Company at the Oliver House in Toledo, along the river. It was a very nice atmosphere, and we could see the high level bridge twinkling in the night... it was just.. nice. The food was okay. I'm not going to rave about it. I liked the breadsticks though. I had sirloin steak, and it was too black on the outside, and not pink enough on the inside, and it just wasn't very tasty at all. I did like the salad though. Then we went over to my friends house to ring in the New Year in front of a 64" big screen TV that her roomates had rented for the occasion. It was fun. Sparkling Grape Juice and Confetti. (Note: Don't ever get confetti... it gets EVERYWHERE. I still have confetti on me.) I found confetti in my ear today. It was a good time. POD did a good job playing "Youth of the Nation", on MTV... Still... I couldn't help but think to myself... and reflect back on 2001. How could 2001 be over already? Time is such a strange concept-- or reality, I guess-- for me to grasp. A year ago, on NYE 2000, I didn't want 2000 to end.. because it had been such a good (and bad) year for me. The whole Nate thing had happened that summer. I had moved back to Ohio in the fall. I didn't really look forward to anything 2001 had to offer. And now.. 2001 is over. It was a good year. I turned 20. I made some really good friends in the Spring/Summer. I can actually say I have "best friends" now. Life is going pretty good, aside from the fact that I hate my job. It's 2002. I wonder what life/God has in store for me this year. I'll be 21 in a few months. My sister will graduate from high school in May. This year holds a thousand new opportunities, and chances to grow. I hope I will embrace them. 2001 was also sort of a strange year for me, because I was alone for the whole year, boy-wise. 1999 was the year of Dan.. 2000 was the year of Nate... 2001 was the year of.... me. Not that I'm complaining. I think I'm still healing from the prior years, I don't need to throw any more salt into my wounds for now. Still though.. how long should it take to be totally over a situation... will it be 2010 with me going, "wow... ten years ago I was with nate... blah blah"... I hope not. I'm very sleepy and I guess I will just sleep. Happy New Year everyone. 2002. yay, I guess. |
| Thursday, December 6th, 2001 | |
| 11:11 pm | People are stupid. Is this like, the theme of my week, or what?? Grrrrrr......... |
| Tuesday, December 4th, 2001 | |
| 11:18 pm | Today, for two hours, members of the House and Senate met in the rotunda of the capitol building to PRAY for forgiveness and the reconcilliation of our nation. Amen!! I just think that is sooooooooo awesome. I wish I had more to say about it than that, but I don't really. I'm short on words. But... praise God anyhow!! |
| 11:15 pm | My name is PassionatePunky..... but not like *THAT*..... A few days ago, I was horrified to bring up my journal and see.... well.... porn. As it turns out, someone had somehow hacked into my photo album at my photo hosting place and changed all my photos so that they were porn and pictures of trains with gang writing on them. This wouldn't have been a huge problem, except that earlier that day I had posted a bunch of pictures in here that I had taken that day, and so when the people changed all my pictures into porn, my entires that I had written also subsequently got replaced with those pictures.. This upset me. I felt violated, and also sad, because... well, it was just sad. So... I apologize if anyone had the misfortune of seeing any of that mess before I caught it. There are some sick people with wayyyy too much time on their hands, that's all I have to say about that. |
| Sunday, December 2nd, 2001 | |
| 8:49 pm | Okay, I'm feeling better now. It really turned out to be a beautiful day today... sunny and 55 on December 2nd? Nice!! Went with my friend to take her baby to see Santa at the mall today. Very cute picture. Although, there were more babies/little kids crying about getting their picture taken than were actually enjoying it, so I'm kinda glad I didn't ever go sit on Santa's lap. Heehe.. I probably would have been one of the traumatized ones. Actually, a friend and I went and got our pictures with santa last year, cause we were at the Zoo seeing the lights and it just seemed like a fun/silly thing to do. Santa was GRUMPY!!! But, wouldn't you be too, if you had to hold whiny snot-nosed, crying kids all day? Ate at a really yummy cafe' in the mall. Yummmm.. but now I'm hungry again. I think I should just go to the store and stock up on "Pasta Anytime" meals. Yummmm. I really hope in heaven that we have lots of food and music. I guess that might be kind of dumb to say, since hello, we're gonna be with God, and our priorities and what matters to us will be way different, but.... for right now I'm thinkin I would really dig feasting all day on yummy food that I don't have to cook, and listening to lots of music. Maybe I'll get to play some of the music. My mom was giving me a huge lecture today about not using my talent..... so, I played for a little while tonight, in the dark, in our big family room that has a vaulted ceiling.. the acoustics are sooo nice in here. The last time I played in front of anyone was on October 15th of last year, my last day in Utah. I played in the worship team as usual, and then did a special; My Deliverer, by Rich Mullins. I didn't actually have the sheet music or anything, just played by ear, but it turned out pretty good, I think. I do miss playing, actually. Heh, I was sort of thinking about selling my flute to pay off my credit cards. I could probably still get a good amount of money for it, it's in good shape, and is a semi-professional instrument. (Open-holed, silver plated with a solid silver head joint.) If anyone wants to make an offer....... haaaaaaaa.. my mom would KILL me. Welll.. I'm gonna find something to eat..... I hope... |
| 11:52 am | Wow, I haven't posted in a while. Apart from Friday night, I've been wistful and removed. I've been watching a lot of movies though, it's been great. Although I should probably get out and play with the 3-dimensional people more often. Oh well. I was so bored/sad last night, that I ended up buying airline tickets to visit Utah next month. The end of January. It will be nice. Plus, I got a really good deal... 149 bucks round trip. Well, that was without tax. With tax it was 189. But still. A really good deal. I don't know what's gotten into me, although I think it's just a combination of letting myself get too tired, and the holidays coming up, and working too much. My parents got all freaked out on Friday night because they hadn't heard from me in a week, and they both called and left messages on my home phone and cell phone. The message from my dad was so great.. by the tone of his voice, I could tell he was genuinely concerned (plus, he never leaves messages on answering machines), he was like, "Hey, Sondra, I haven't heard from you in a while so I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Call me back, daughter." heehee... It just made me grin. My dad isn't an "I love you" kind of guy. But that's about as close as it gets. I talked to my mom last night and told her I was visiting. So naturally, she's all excited. She told me my visit would be a good time for me to really consider "moving back home". Home. What an ironic word. I haven't had a "home" in quite some time, by the traditional sense of the word. Or at least, I haven't FELT at home. I think I've gotten to feel pretty much at home here, though... in Ohio. Mom was like, "You'd like it here now... St. George is very different than when you left. It's not the same place it was when you lived here. You would like it" To which I replied, "Oh really? Have all the mormons packed up and left?" "No..." "Well, then I don't think it's any different, and I don't think I would like it any more than I did before." Which.. is kind of a joke, and kind of not. I swear living there is like living on PLANET Utah. It is so unique. And so stressing. I don't think I could move back to Utah, not now, maybe not ever. The pay is a lot lower there (I was making 5 dollars less an hour), and the town I lived in is just so.... removed from everything. Although it is two hours from Las Vegas. But I'm not really a Las Vegas sort of girl, even though it is a pretty neat town, and there is lots to do away from the strip. There is no music scene there. None. And forget about Christian music, period. Although it has its pluses, too. A great climate, beautiful scenery..... But I left because.. well, I was running away. But I really left because I didn't see myself having a future there. Did I see myself finding someone to marry and have a family with? No. The chances weren't very good for that. I did however envision myself falling for another mormon guy, , and getting caught up in the whole big mess I lived through last time..... emotional hell. That whole experience really messed me up. I actually had a dream about Nate the other night.. I dream about him wayyyy too often, considering he's MARRIED now, and it's been like 16 months since I've even seen him. It was such a strange dream, though. The first night I met him, he was wearing this red shirt, with the word "Louisville" across the front. And he worked as a night stocker in a grocery store. That really messed my sleeping patterns up. I'd work all day, and then the nights he'd have off I would end up staying up all night, and then I'd go back to work all day the next day. I must have been a zombie. Anyways, in my dream, I was in a grocery store, and he was there, and he was wearing a red sweater, haha, instead of a t-shirt, and it still said "Lousville" across the front. It was knitted. His hair was bleached a little more, but otherwise, he looked just the same, and as he saw me coming down the same aisle as him, he looked at me and said, "Don't even *think* about talking to me. I hate you." And he just stared me down as I passed.... then a few dream sequences later, I was at a high school, and he was out in the yard with some of his friends... I tried to get this one girl I knew to go up and take his picture somehow, so i could have a picture of him... because in real life, i don't have any pictures of him or us... which, is probably a good thing. My mind obviously hasn't let it go, so I don't even NEED a stupid picture to dwell on. Anyways. Instead of viewing Utah as a happy place, where my family lives, (and I do miss them a lot), it's mostly just unhealthy for me to be there. But maybe this time it will be different. Maybe I'll actually GROW UP by then and get past all this baggage that still haunts me. You'd think I could do that. Ahhh.. this post is so negative. |
| Wednesday, November 28th, 2001 | |
| 11:47 pm | about time.. FINALLY..... livejournal has been down allllll evening. I went grocery shopping tonight after work. I bought 5 containers of Yoplait yogurt (strawberry and strawberry banana.. mmmmmm)... two Red Baron pizzas, a gallon of milk, and my yummy rich chocolate Carnation breakfast drink. All that stuff added up to 17 dollars. And I even had my Kroger card! No wonder I never go shopping. I'm sure there's some really important topic I should be addressing right now, but..... well, I just don't feel like it. I'm sleepy and the rain is making me want to fall asleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz p.s.- God rocks! |
| 1:10 am | I have a joke! So.... This little old lady is getting on a plane. Cute petite little grandma type. Blue hair and all. She puts her carry-on through the x-ray machine and the security people pull her off to the side and tell her there's a problem. "I don't understand... what's wrong?" "These," the guard says, as he hands the lady her knitting needles. It makes sense.. you know.. cause they're pointy and everything. The lady agrees.. "I understand... you're afraid they could be used as a weapon.." "No m'am", the guard replies. "We're afraid of you knitting an afghan" Ba-dum CHING!!! Get it? An afghan?? Haaaaaaaaaa... yeah, it's kind of lame. I didn't make it up, so don't blame me. |
| 12:58 am | Encouraging.... I'm quite encouraged with the kind of feedback I'm getting from this journal. It's nice to hear what people have to say..... These aren't just my words. They're all of ours. The minute you find yourself nodding your head in agreement, or even disagreement, it becomes a joint venture. The comments are great, too. We're a team. But ummm.. when I write my book and all... don't think for a *second* I'm sharing the residuals with any of you.. Muhahahhaahahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Suck up to me now, and you can *hope* for a mention in the forward. :) |