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Thursday, June 7th, 2001
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6:47 pm
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There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're travelling with me
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win
Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win
Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win
current mood:  frustrated
current music: don't dream it's over
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| Monday, June 4th, 2001
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8:52 pm
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Went to exams yesterday at 6:15 in the morning. Then until 1:30 I made my way through three vexing tests, barely able to keep my eyes open- this does not bode well for my test results! Afterwards, since I had no ride, He offered to pick me up- which I just thought was so sweet. Like he would always be there for me. We meant only to stop at his house for a minute, but wound up staying for hours. We smoked some, and I refuse to let him drive like that. Twas so strange. Despite the fact that its not a new activity to me, nonetheless, its new to me every time. However yesterday was far different than the last time, where I thought I was dying, and freaking out. Yeah there was definately something wrong there.
The feeling just washed over my brain, and I can remember it, but it takes a while to put it all together. I remember having a extensive conversation with Shara, whichI cannot even remember- or at least the things we talked about. I just know how easily it flowed out of me. Listening to the music and loving it all. Veering off topic here. Which was... what?
Him.
aaaggh.
current mood:  pensive
current music: janis joplin- cry baby
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| Sunday, May 27th, 2001
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3:03 am
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Tonight I saw the movie Momento... I definately give it a high recomendation. It all goes in reverse and throughout you annticipate, trying to find out what happened before, as opposed to the standard film, where you cannot wait to find out what happens next. Actually I surprised myself tonight. The way I acted. I was sincerely in a good mood- if i remember correctly what that feels like... Perhaps it's the new meds in effect... Oh how I hope so. The doctor took me off Paxil and onto Celexa... Supposedly Paxil is a sedating drug and only adding to my stagnant, impassive state. And in truth I beleive I feel it working... my mood has been somewhat lifted, and I try not to let my hopes rise- think that things must be genuinely getting better, since I have found before that although some days are good, bleak and aching ones often follow.
A friend came over and woke me up at around 3:00 p.m.- with my exhastion lingering from going to sleep at 6:00 a.m. (cursed insomnia!), and getting almost no sleep throughout the week. It took me about an hour to fully wake up, and be able to hold a conversation. Oh, I was so completely out of it. But we spent the day together, studying for our seperate regents. She told me this week, after calling her up, in tears, not knowing where to go. The feeling just- washed over me. A deep rooted sadness in my heart. And though I don't know Why I called her- I felt sompletely comfortable in doing so. I felt so completely sure she would understand, and I was right. I can feel that she cares about me. And I can feel that she understands. She feels it too. She says she feels it too and I know she does. She is someone who knows that pain- possibly more so than me. And so she tealls me that she never told me this before in fear that I would feel uncomfortable, and pull away from her, but she beleives I have an eating disorder. At which I sobbed even more- because... it was not what was wrong... not at all if theres any truth in it, it is BECAUSE of what is REALLY wrong. Whats wrong inside, and not whatever disorders there may be. I just dont care about that. Bus she did understand, even if she does beleive that's whats wrong. She has problems I cannot imagine in her family, in herself, and would no doubt break under those issues. How do you mak someone feel better? All I want to do is help, but totally powerless because it has nothing to do with me.
But just the fact that she knows what I'm feeling and she is always so completely there for me always... it makes me feel less alone. HE however... He does not make me feel less alone. After driving me to art class last week, we parked to talk somewhere. Dont recall how we stumbled onto the topic but he revealed to me that he thought I was mad. Well maybe thats a little harsh- He didnt say that exactly. Maybe I asked him if he ever thought I was a little crazy... not completely serious. He says that one time he didnt know what on earth was going on with me. When I returned from spring vacation... that glorious vacation that meant so much to me, that slightly changed me, and how I feel always. And I guess when I got back I WAS acting a bit strangely and totally out of it- confused and in a totaly perplexed daze. But I was talking to him, and I thought it would make me feel better- happy... because he usually does. But he couln't have not understood more. He hadn't a clue what I was talking about, but i wasnt asking him to- I dont know what I wanted from him... just to listen... But he ACTED, and I could hear it in his voice, like there was something WRONG with me, for acting so off- for not knowing what was going on outside or in my head. It just wasn't comprehendable to him. All he knows is normal. He could not relate in the least. And so he divulged to me, that at that time- that was when he thought I was crazy- and I sort of knew that was what he would say. And maybe it is without reason- that I was hurt by this. That the deepest part of me, the part(s) of myself that are most important to me- was something he did not understand and did not want to. He wanted it to go away and for me to be 'normal' again. He doesn't know the real me, nor do I beleive he wants to... If only I knew the real me... And so the next day I returned to myself, recognizing that no one would respond well to a change... wouldn't one be curious about what is happening inside a person?
Is it not fascinating.
I must get myself into bed. This cursed insomnia thing it really getting rediculous. I must just shut my eyes and refuse to open them until Ive gotten a proper ammount of rest. Until next time- and goodnight: )
current mood:  complacent
current music: once in a lifetime- wolfsheim
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| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
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4:01 pm - Things are bad
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The same anger and isolation. Today had a celebration in school, complete with singing, dancing and student carelessly, merrily frolicing around the school. My spirit has ever been so lacking... Just watching everyone jumping around and dancing their brains out. Laughing together, and I unable. Literally physically unable My body could not- if I tried I felt like I would fall-- Collapse and my body would crack from holding my breath and what I wanted was to seep into the wall and go to sleep. Become unconcious so I would not have to observe silently what I could not even force my body to do! I hadn't the power even to summon a smile to my face. That is not true... I forced a smile when someone spoke to me... but none of them genuine smiles. All I was able to muster were a few fake. weak. smiles. Hoping they would leave me alone so I would not have to try anymore. When a teacher- the kind who are truly friends of the students, the kind who understands- came up to me afterwards to inquire if I was ok and why wasn't I dancing? ...
All I could say was- 'I couldnt'.
And its true.
But it is a cycle... Acting this way... seeing that no one detects it at all. Or if they do notice they don't care. Not enough to try to do something. And so it goes on. No one cares so why change? I care though. I WANT to care. All I see- is the negativity of all that is in my sight.
And did I wish, in a way, that my mind would just turn off and my body could spring up and let it out. Be whatever it was that the others felt that they could be happy- excited? Did I wish that a smile would no longer have to be something to wish for- something that only existed for me in my memory. Perhaps these things crossed my mind for an instant. But then I realized.... that even if i could- no one would be there with me. And chances are- that not a soul that would realize. So I did not try. I cannot. And nothing at all has any goodness.
I know it is inside me that this sadness exists, but that is not all there is to it. It is externalas well. Not just me thinking that no one is there, not just paranoia. I see that no one cares. For too long I have closed myself off- They do not realize I care- for why then would I have cut myself off from the world? I dont think. I miss myself so much, you know? It's strange and sad. I just need to regain parts of me.... I secluded myself into a desolate lonesome place. Could not even be around people.
I am sad but... i think- and im using the word think because perhaps I am wrong-I am not solely sad, but in truth... I am angry. Just so angry I do not know what to do, that I become sad.
Why is this feeling there? What is behind it?I cannot use my voice.
Everything throughout the day just makes my heart Heavier and heavier
Who can help me now?
current mood:  depressed
current music: Idioteque
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| Monday, May 21st, 2001
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9:59 pm
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Sitting on the couch with her, I felt sick inside me; that sick that preceeds tears. That moment, so distanced from her, so empty and sad. And maybe an aspect of fear. I remember looking into her eyes, and although they weren't looking into mine, I saw thoughts at work but there was a wall. I did not know how I could reach her. Where I could make her smile and go on hand in hand with her once more. I noticed tears were falling down my cheeks without remembering the decision to begin. They welled up in my eyes and trailed slowly down my face. I asked what was wrong. I asked if she was angry. If I did something. Why did she look so melancholy and tragic- And why was that look in her eyes? She looked at me and I couldn't decipher the thoughts in her head and I didn't think she could either. "I just don't understand." My best friend said, looking at me for some time. For some answer. I was lost for an answer. She said she was confused.
He came back, the source of the whole problem, as we were crying. I guess it must have seemed a little random to him, because he had just seen us a moment ago perfectly fine. He saw our tears, asking why were we crying? "It's all good... So are we gonna get out of here or what?" So we walked outside and it was a clear night but cold. So cold.
current mood:  tired
current music: virgin state of mind- k's chpice
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| Friday, May 18th, 2001
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6:47 pm - going to burst...
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This morning I woke up to shrill screaming. My mom had found out that the SAT II registration was closed and I've not yet signed up. It takes ten minutes until my body actually is awake, and regains conciousness. Because I was half asleep and nothing was penetrating my head I didnt absorb or understand what the whole deal that was going on was about. So now I'm left without registration, which means the thousands of dollars my mom spent on SAT tutoring is wasted. What did she want me to do? Cry? Flip out about the situation? I can see how she is overwhelmed to the point where she doesn't know what to do or where to start. If I carried her responsibilities... I think I'd have a breakdown. My foundation is weak and I crack under expectations. Responsibility. I am afraid of it. How badly I wanted to get them over with. She doesn't realize though That Im not here. Anything and everything is detatched. What is there. Exceptional fury within me. The anger builds up again in me. It never came down.
indifferant. dead. apathetic. i hate that word.
completely unaware in a solitary place on my own and removed from... whatever.
I have become so sad. So angry. So lost. Cynical. Bitter. Spiteful. Even my art cannot help me now.
It rains today. Dark skies and moody atmosphere. Some would say it is beautiful. and Once I would have too. How have I become so unresponsive. So impassive and unaffected. Ive lain dormant for so long. What is this tragic listless vacant life. What happened to the person who saw beauty in all she saw? Who cried hearing a song because the beauty "filled up in her heart like a balloon thats about to burst..."
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| Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
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2:59 am - Question:
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Oh, i have a question, i read this somewhere: If you chew up your food, but then spit it out instead of swallowing, do you still gain the calories from the food or not?
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| Friday, May 11th, 2001
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12:07 pm
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I realized that I couldn't remember most of my dreams from last night. I usually do, and it drives me up the wall when I can't, even though mos people don't remember any at all. It leaves me empty and baffled about how much time can slip by with nothing to remember. Even though I love sleeping, it is uncomfortable thinking how much time is wasted in doing it. Half a person's life.
I was thinking how I search for quotes to portray me. The things I am trying to say, like I'm afraid to say it on my own because it might not live up to this Thing I am trying to express. And I won't be satisfied. So I look for something to convey it for me. I dont like not having the confidence that I can relate my thoughts. Or at least do it well. Do whatever well. I need some control. I don't even know what I bloody feel.
The week has come and gone and I still have not done the work I promised myself to do before the weekend.
Some people are so superficial. The most paltry things are so very important to them. Although I find myself thinking, "Why is that so important to them? Why does it really matter?' MAybe I'm so critical about noticing those things because I'm afraid I have a bit of it in me too, and criticizing it in other people gives me the illusion that I, I don't know... don't.
I could not be more relieved winter has faded away. The cold that chilled me to the bone every day, while I dreamt of springs arrival. I dread so that cold that would seep into my skin.
I am so tired of being consumed with having to be ok for everyone. To make them happy.
"Thousands and thousands of us, and we're passing each other without a look of recognition."- Henry Miller
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11:12 am - This nothingness
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There was a night, not too long ago, when I became so strange and hopeless, I hope to God that feeling never comes near me again. Ive never felt such complete confusion; such a total lack of understanding in the world, because nothing was clear. It was like slipping away, in some whirlwind of emotion, I cant ever win with myself, and I am always so bewildered. Why cant we all just get it together so it makes sense? Make it the way its supposed to be? Its times like these I speculate weather my noggin might be somewhat mad. I know I am not always like this, but then occasionally I will slip into this reverie of- I dont know what. Ugh, someone get me psychological help please.
What is this empty feeling that never leaves. Why is it so strong. Can it be strong? Is it anything at all... or a lack of anything at all. As if I am drifting. Floating away. Do I even want to return. The cold is gone but I still feel it. It's still sitting inside me. That stupid empty longing, that no words can describe. Feeling so dazed, thoughtless, empty, brainless. And why is it still there after so long. Shouldn't it be bored of sitting there stagnant inside me. Shouldn't it move on eventually. How long can I live with it without weeping. How much longer will I go on listening to these songs without the compulsion to cry, without being moved at all. Everything is blocked by this nothing. Will I ever be able to fade into songs like I used to? It is hard to write and the difficulty grows with every word. Difficult to say every individual thought. Thoughts difficult in itself. Will I ever recapture what I once had. The screaming that resided inside me that no one hears. I always wished for it to dissapear but... it was something. Better than this nothingness. The way words would come, a string of random thoughts thogether, incomprehendable to anyone but me. Stuck in this trance like state, pausing, lingering, hoping to find something more.
I wonder what it will be like the day I can look in the mirror and love what I see. The person who looks back at me. Will I feel happy? Will I smile? Or will I feel empty. That is if this emtiness ever goes away.
Im pulling out my hair again. God save my poor head.
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| Thursday, May 10th, 2001
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6:33 pm - why?
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Have you ever been truly and completely unexplainably repulsed by another person? Why do I feel that for another individual.
All you people reading this, all of you on my freinds... i think you are all beautiful. Strange how you can feel you know someone, having never met them. Having only seen their thoughts on a page. I find you all fascinating and magnificent. Even the Nazi on my list. I do not judge you on that fact, I know you are a human being like any one else but, to me at least, a Nazi is- well, a negative thing! Maybe I'm wrong but I imagine pperhaps you are confused, whoever you are. A little lost, and maybe unhappy. Angry. Do you see the beauty in the world? Do you believe in love or peace or happiness or the exraordinary stillness in serenity? Or only loathing? Why hate a nation as a whole? Where do you find fault with Jews? Is it their religion? The way they practice? Why should that bother you? Why should that be a reason to MURDER SIX MILLION. So are Jews the immoral ones? Shameful people who should be despised? You should look to old Adolf for that. I keep reading hoping I will find the reason any individual would take pride in calling themself a Nazi. I mean that- I truly am waiting to discover the possible foundation behind it. Is it that you idolize Hitler and his mission? I just want to know why someone, anyone- people who are ordinaraly perfectly nice human beings, would be so ignorant as to add to the hate in the world. I'm sorry to go on like this... but why don't people shut their traps trying to put others down to make themselves feel superior and try to better their own lives? I feel sorry for the soul who has nothing better to do than analyze, judge and find fault with others. I dont mean to be carping but... I'm just trying to make sense of it all...
current mood: disappointed
current music: Deliver Me- Sarah Brightman
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6:04 pm
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So much has happened. I'm sorry for not writing.
I hate saying that. Its such typical diary talk. When I was young and kept a journal, all I would write was how sorry I was for not writing in so long and the cycle would continue every few months. You would think at my age I'd be able o think of something a little cleverer to say. Ive read some Live Journals and I dont think the authors even know how their writing moves a reader. I'd like to move someone like that one day. I wonder who all those people out there are. I can't imagine they are anything I imagine.
I ponder if it is worth going into detail about my life. Could I ever really express what it is like. Or even what happens? I can try but forgive me if I fail- Hopefully something in here will be comprehendable...
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6:04 pm
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I have my new therapist for the second time tommorow. Much better than the last one. With this one it seems like I am actually talking to a person and not just a wall. Why is it that psychiatrists seem to make their fortunes just listening and nodding their heads repeating "I see... and how do you feel about that?" This one has energy- She feels free to interrupt me, and tell me what she thinks which is what I want! I'm not paying to talk to a blank wall! Its so hard to know what to say to them though. Always thinking- They must here the problems of so many different lives, that mine must sound so insignificant. So... plain. Ordinary. I guess I shouldnt be afraid of boring them. Their supposed to be the one helping the patient after all. I wonder if there's even a need for me to see a therapist. Ive gone this long without one, and Ive survived... Whatever- if it makes mom happy then fine. Although I dont see how her worries of me having an eating disorder are calmed by sending me to therapy.
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| Thursday, March 22nd, 2001
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9:39 pm - Shocked into silence
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Feelings collect up inside me like a cancer and eat me up. Different feelings pass through me. First shock, ahppiness, the confusion. It is all surreal nonetheless. I look outside and it's so dark although it's midday. I think i should stop writing. It makes me too sad.
Not so long ago i decided it was time to give up. Give up in the sense of surrendering the feelings andcut them off. I wish i could be everything people want. Everything he wants. If last night never happened, just in theory... these thoughts wouldn't be here. I would be thinking how many times i have been torn apart. Thinking i would never give in again. Not be as weak and cave like in the past. Vacation is soon. It must be hard for people to understand me sometimes, when i speak so vaguely. I was to transcend this strange feeling of going through my life as if watching it through a window or mirror. I want him, although i caould never tell him.
I was just in such complete shock. To hear him say he has feelings for me. Something I have been waiting three years to hear. Waiting and hoping and holding my breath for him. I still would do anything for him. I do not want him to move on, and forget about me. I want to hang on to those feelings despite the age difference problem. I think I love him.
Anyone whos got time on their hands and wants to hear some great music, download these songs and tell me what you think....
Wuthering heights- kate bush
paper bag- fiona apple
I know you- henry rollins
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| Wednesday, March 21st, 2001
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3:14 am - Shocked Into Silence
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I am starting to feel sick. Not a cold sick, but another kind of sick. Just sick inside. My stomach doing flips and getting shaky, just at the thought of him. Verves and anxiety and fear cause this in me. Well, it is nothing new. In class trying to focus my attention so some information can sink in but it is pointless. My thoughts wander and I find myself falling into reveries. This feeling is not new to me. I remember it well. When he was weaved into my life before. So long ago, and somewhat hard to remember, but I remember sitting in math class back then and feeling my heart pumping and pounding in my chest, just at the the thought of him. The whole year has been defined by confusion and wonder and questions, and this all adds to that, though it brings touches of happiness into my heart. On one hand, I think there is nothing in my heart, and i am unable to feel love or sheer happiness or even sadness at all. The convrsations from last night are still running through my blood.
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| Thursday, March 15th, 2001
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2:59 am - Emerging
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I don't know how to startsomething completely new that numerous random people will read... but here i am. The depression has subsided. gotten better but it never Really goes away, does it? Those were the bad years- i broke my own spirit. I stopped fighting and watched as parts of myself got ripped away. I stopped caring and watched impassively as whatever light was inside me, died. It was around this time that something happened that im sure will not make much sense but, i saw Titanic- and despite the hype- for that had nothing to do with it- it sparked something in me that was rapidly dismantling and i lunged for it. It made me say things and do things that i never would before. I think i know why it had the effect on me that it did- see, for so long i had felt nothing- with deppression, i felt a hopeless longing- like a hole or a space in the middle of my body. The pain was bearable. It just didn't seem right. That couldn't be what living was about- a dullness and continuous sadness. It was all such a waste. I felt nothing, just went through the motions of life. But with titanic- I felt something- i felt sadness, which, though not the preferable emotion, was nevertheless, an Emotion- something which i had not felt for a long time. Maybe whatever IT was, wasn't sadness- Could it have been happiness? Relief over feeling something- anything- after so long? With this spark of emotion my heart swelled and i decided i wanted more- i didnt want to continue in this empty world of nothingness- I wanted to FEEL. And so i did. I came out of the darkness and... i guess the rest is a different story.
current mood: nostalgic
current music: Evita's Lament
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| Tuesday, March 13th, 2001
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2:59 am
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I don't know why I started this diary... I mean i have a written one as well but i have this feeling that i need people to see what i write and feel. I think i'm just hoping that maybe someone will stumble along my writing and maybe for once someone will understand what i'm trying to say. Who i am. If only i could translate what i feel so that people understood and maybe even care. I guess this is supposed to be and intro to Me... A word to descibe Me- Confused. - I can be sad. I enjoy being sad, just like i enjoy being happy. My favorite music and words are that which make me sad. Things keep getting curioser and curioser. If you know what i mean.
"That's the day i knew there was this entire life behind things, and this incredible force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, Ever.
Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world i feel like i can't take it, like my hearts going to cave in."
-American Beauty
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