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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
SquishyGurl's LiveJournal:
| Friday, March 8th, 2002 | |||
| 5:24 am | God's dandruff I read entries of rejoicing over the wondrous snowfall and feel so alone in my extreme dislike of that cold wet fluffy white substance. I don't like snow. It drive me insane!!! If I were christian I'd consider it God's dandruff. I don't like being cold. I don't like being wet. Snow is the epitome of the two combined. GRRRR. I long for the warm nights of the summer. Where the stars shine brightly and the moon brings a silvery glow to every leaf of a tree and every single blade of grass. Where you dance in a field in an uplifting breeze that feels like a lovers hot breath all over your being. I wish to feel and behold a warm Autumn's day. When the leaves turn every shade of sunshine and dance from their branches to play within the wind. To see the sunset light up the color's and bring a luminescent glow to all of natures gifts. Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: POD-Youth of a Nation | ||
| 5:13 am | A waste of time. I am a waste of time. Why do people care? I am a leech, sucking off peoples energy and soul. I do nothing, but use people around me for things. Whether it's as simple as a laugh or company, or more obvious like a cigarette or a drink. I am a spoiled little bitch whose good for nothing and useless. The last line is the last words I remember coming out of my Mother's mouth as her hand was clenched around my neck shaking. I snapped at that point in time. Something inside broke and I couldn't contain it any longer. I started swinging. Each blow followed by my screams, "I told you to never hit me again." She had punched me in the arm before getting in my face and grabbing my throat. I restrained myself when she yelped in pain and realized I had lost control and fought to regain it as the words were snarled from her lips, "You viscous bitch. You're a hideous little monster...." I left with her threats of calling police and signing a court order for me to be out of her house running through my head. I met up with a friend. We continued on our way to her Grandma's house as planned before and picked up a big bottle of wine. Went back to her place and drank all of it. I wish failure wasn't something that is embedded in my brain as inevitability. I wish I could get a good job, work well, be paid well and be free of this place, but I am too chaotic and too self destructive for such a life. I feel I wither away each day I awaken to this place and yet I feel it is more a home then any other I have been in. Why? Why does happiness seem fake and sorrow seem real? Why do compliments seem to be lies and insults click as correct? Why does pleasure feel wrong and pain feel right? Why must I continue to dwell in this hell I have created? Swarming questions that will always be there and never leave. Insane babble of thought's that never lead me anywhere conclusive. I cannot understand why people see in me something I cannot perceive. Some say they love me, others say they are in love with me...I do not understand. The harsh words spoken carelessly into my ears from someone who birthed me into such a hellish realm continually eat away at me. They ring true every time I hear them. Repetitively scarred into a broken heart. I loved her, my Mother, at one point in time, but now all remains is such a deep dark hate that fills me with such a bitter pain that burns within me. I loath the sight of her and spit fire when I speak with her. I cannot contain my hate of her. She is my blood. She was once all I had. My Mother. I loved her...My Mommy, and under this pain...I still do. My mind is spinning in every and all directions. Things will just come out of nowhere when I type during moments like this. A waste of time. Everything I do. Everything I try. Everything I feel. Everything I am. A waste of time. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: The cords and lyrics of a rambling radio | ||
| Saturday, March 2nd, 2002 | |||
| 3:02 am | Comfort... I just caught the end of a song that I really needed to hear. I'll write a few lines of it. "Layla... Got me on my knees Layla. Beggin darlin please Layla." Yeah... ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  touchedCurrent Music: Savage Garden-Truly Madly Deeply | ||
| 2:22 am | Why does friendship die? What happened to her? I used to think the world of her and would bend over back wards if it meant she would at least smile a real joy filled smile. I never see her anymore. I don't call, she does not either. We don't talk anymore. She has gone from me and believes she is truly happy and in love with a man that in her mind completes her. Was it I couldn't stand the mind numbing drugs she inhales as though they are the nectar of life? What happened to that wonderful person who would walk the streets with me as the stars watched over us and talk for endless hours about our philosophies about, life, death, people and express what went through our minds. The poetry we would create together on stupefied sleep dep....Where did she go? Why did we part ways? Was it me? Was it her? What happened to that indescribable and yet incredible connection we once both felt and cherished. Or did she not cherish it? Was I just another person she has now moved on from and forgotten? Am I, was I, nothing to her? Endless questions that have no answers I can find. I still remember what it was like to feel I had someone in my life that was everything to me and yet none of these feelings were the least bit sexual. It was the purest feeling of friendship...Or at least I thought it was. She admitted to me one day long ago (for long ago was when we actually talked) that she had been in love with me. I was touched and yet a little confused about how to take it. I loved her and felt strongly for her, but all feelings were innocent. What tore us apart? Was it the fact that she was up during the day and I the night? We can never be like we once were. She loves the solitude and I the friends in my life. She loves the alternate reality that numbs her body and relaxes her mind and I the clarity of thought and control over myself/mind. I know she has her issues as do I and I know that we cannot be close because of our differences... But...I still miss her. *sighs* Signing out of my hurt and nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: Santana~Supernatural album | ||
| Friday, March 1st, 2002 | |||
| 2:13 am | Somewhere, sometime, all things will be fine... Why must there be such ups and downs in life? I am sick of being ecstatically happy one second and depressed off my ass the next. Do I sound bi-polar or what?!? I had an awesome time at coffee tonight at this huge table full of people I know and care about. Sometimes just hanging out in IHOP and bsing about pointless shit and laughing at stupid jokes is soo much fun. I love the feeling of it. Sitting in a smoggy smoking section for hours as the laughter kills the time and the caffeine goes to your head. Ahhh home. I wonder what to do in life. I am starting to get ideas of which direction I should head in, but the problem is getting out there and going to face the endless rejection until you can actually find a job other then fast food hell. I found out that Sweetness' Mother got rid of the computer that held the story we had written so that is gone and I can't finish it nor use it to give me a sense of usefulness. *sniff* Say la vee...However you spell it. I have/had fake nails. Except I my right hand thumbnail had chipped in half and then fell off completely when I went rock climbing with Lay and Manna at Leading Edge Gym. Then just about 20 minutes or so ago I ripped off the rest off the fake nails on my right hand and the pointer finger nail on my left hand. They were loose what more can I say? I'll prolly put them back on later with super glue tomorrow. I probably should sleep for I have had far too much intake of my precious Mountain Dew and the caffeine high is crashing to a rock bottom low. And the thoughts in my head are very scattered. Signing out of my nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Less Than Jake....Thank you Bryce | ||
| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002 | |||
| 9:18 pm | |||
| 7:25 pm | Decided it's been far too long... Yeah so I haven't really been writing much in my LJ and I know I am lame, but hey things haven't exactly been describable lately. I am in a weird state of mind as well as a weird emotional time. Last week I had emotional breakdowns every other night and was just all sorts of upset...But I am better now, I swear. Okay truthfully I don't know. If you ask me if I am okay my answer will be I don't know yet because that is more towards the truth than any other answer I could come up with. As Manna wrote in her LJ both of us are at Don's house. It is 7:30pm and supposedly he gets off work at 10pm or 10:30pm, according to his boss or manager or I don't know. It has been an interesting time and things just seem to become more and more complicated socially the more you immerse yourself within the socialness of society. I am just confused and being indecisive. I am hoping Sweets will print out the book we started years ago because I would really love to try and continue it, if not finish it. I have also been seriously considering trying to become a model. Since I can't really stand living life in the slow lane I might as well jump into the fast lane, right? I am getting a lot of positive feedback from gurls I don't even know who have tried to become models saying I could probably do it with my looks and size. An opportunity that, like all the rest, I am unsure of. I know that I have to start grabbing opportunities and going for something in life, but I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing and becoming stuck in a life pattern I hate that I don't know what to do. I suppose I am thinking about things too much and not putting in as much effort (if any) that I should be. Manna sleeps as I am doodling around on this computer. Why must people complicate things so much? And there I go again with the why questions. I am so tired of being tired and so sick of being sick. I wish things could be so much more happy and simple for people. I mean we create these tremendous dramatic ordeals over the stupidest and mindless matters in life. Why??? What's the point? Some sick and twisted entertainment for that day? Something to bitch and moan about because you feel like bitching and moaning? Where's the meaning? The god damned point???? Of coarse if you are reading this correctly you will notice I am being a typical human being and bitching as well and therefore being a hypocrite. Ah being a human...We are such pointless creatures aren't we? The one thing that human beings have too much of is boredom. We suffer from it as though it were a plague. Something is lacking here...lacking greatly...But what? What is missing that kept this race (human) so entertained and content. If we ever were. Don just stopped home for lunch and informed me he wont get off work until around midnight. Right..So it's 8pm...I can kill four hours no problem...I tink? Right then. I am signing out of my nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  listlessCurrent Music: Cars driving by | ||
| Friday, February 1st, 2002 | |||
| 1:25 am | Stuff... Right then... Not as pissy and bitchy as I was, but the snow seems (keyword seems) to be dissipating. That puts me in a better mood. Finally got around to sticking Bast up on my altar. She's actually made out of some stone from Egypt. It's called lapis lazuli and they normally don't ship it over here anymore. Apparently she was made out of the powder of the stone in Egypt somewhere. I cleaned her up and decorated her with jewels and put some perfume on her 'cause that's what the people told my Mom to do. I learned she is the Goddess of Mysteries. hehehe...Cool. I am in an odd mood. The yearning for love seems to be subsiding for the time being and I feel myself getting over it so to say. I really hope I am. I hate the feeling of being lonely/alone. My house is really kinda creeping me out right now. I don't necessarily like this place at night. It's kinda like it gets under your skin and makes you very paranoid, but of what you don't know. Odd considering I've lived here most my life. Suppose I am becoming more optimistic about things. Yeah, right, not gonna expect THAT much from myself. *sighs* I feel as though I am letting go...But not going to really believe or count on it until I feel completely better. I am just getting to that point where nothing matters and I am not even drunk! YAY! Riiiight. Still a little depressed, but that's just the way I am. Eh, life. I mean, shit... Signing out of my nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: Cat purring | ||
| Monday, January 28th, 2002 | |||
| 6:05 am | Being a little whiny bitch....You've been warned read at your own risk... I am struggling with my emotions that seem to want to go in two different directions at this point in time. An inward battle be fought and the only one who can lose is ME! Fuck... Things in life are sooo confusing right now. I want to be ecstatically happy and have my moments where I am, but then there is the other part of me that says all the negative shit as though whispering doubt into my unsteady mind...And I fall back to despair and depression. You know what I hate? When people say to you, "What do YOU have to be stressed about?" Fuckers... You wanna know my answer to that question? Here it is: "FUCK YOU 'cause now even if I wanted to tell you I'm not going to because you were an ASS about it!" Grrrr....Snow.... We have snow lots of it *grimaces*. I don't like snow when I have to endure crazy cabby's, soaked shoes, almost frostbitten hands, wet jacket, wet COLD gloves, and being nearly stranded all alone at the HorseShoe. I booked it to IHOP and fell on my ass on the way there. Me no like snow. Managed to get most of the way home in a cab. Life is changing and not in the way my deepest dreams had deceivingly lied to me it would...It's become a hopeless beehive and you're not assigned a job, but must be a beggar in order to work at the most minimum pay. I cannot go back to fast food it'll kill me. When I worked at Burger King I nearly had an emotional breakdown (I mean serious breakdown) more then once a week and they wont even let you collect yourself in the quiet after a rush for even a slight second immediately it's,"Stock this, clean that, sweep here, organize that," and if everything is done, "Don't just stand around make yourself LOOK busy!" I'll die if I have to go back to such horrid stress...One way or another I WILL... I hate society, but more than that, I hate money! Even if I had tons of it I would still despise this life devouring currency. Tonight I have never felt so alone and just abandoned by love...Not necessarily love of others, but more so my love for my quirks, my dreams, my "cute" (I hate that word) psychoticness, etc..... My life felt drained from me....I felt as though I was becoming a void of a person, a shell of a human and on the inside nothing but fabricated bullshit created by myself. Yes Darryl, I somedays consider myself real and others fake, but not in the way you meant...It runs deeper than my interaction with people, but down into the way I interact with myself. I am horrible to myself on the inside...GOD MY HARSHNESS! So selfish am I, but I do have a scapegoat that is highly over used; Society! No. My doing is mine and I am a product of my choices and MAN DID I FUCK UP!!!! Perhaps curling up into a ball with my warm purring cat will sooth this bitterness that is eating at me. Fuck! I am a god damned goth! Oh the angst, oh the agony, SHOOT ME NOW YOU DICK! Again I am viewing my life as a failure of living. Oh I tried to live, but I failed somewhere and severly...I definitely fucked me up somehow....The question is how to fix it and do I really want to? Maybe this disillusionment I immersed myself within is better than reality....I certainly think so. Physical pain...Son of a...DAMNED PAAAIIIN! Cramps, CRAMPS ALL OVER!!~!! Soreness in my back muscles that screams to be stopped by one form or another and to top it off I am going to the Orthodontist this Tuesday...Fuck... My body is letting me know that from being a stupid teenager and at that time thinking I was immortal I was extremely dumb and it's obvious my being is getting it's vengeance for me mistreating it. All of me seems to be turning against me and being more bitter than I think I, MYSELF, am even capable of. Life, ain't it grand... I wonder will I ever be content in life...For a long period of time...Or will this misery always be with me? (not just physical) ENOUGH BITCHING YOU!!! *points at self* Right then.... Signing out of my utter nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  pessimisticCurrent Music: NickelBack-GOOD TIMES GONE | ||
| Friday, January 25th, 2002 | |||
| 9:43 am | hehehe  Come get your fortune read! Created by ptocheia  Come get your fortune read! Created by ptocheia  Come get your fortune read! Created by ptocheia Annnnnnnnnnnnd I'm thoroughly confused. :-@ ?~? Current Mood:  confused | ||
| 8:44 am | "Desire of a Troubled Heart" I long for the sweet touch of a loving hand. I crave those comforting warm arms to engulf me once again. I wish for sweet passionate lips to press against mine. I want to be loved...just held, feeling content in that never ending moment. But, any and all arms that hug me, hold me, they comfort me not. The hands that touch my skin feel treacherous, deceitful, they trouble my heart. Lips I kiss I feel nothing for, for they care not, love not only want... The eyes I'd want to become lost in I do not, can not. My heart seems to just taunt. Awkward, fearful, sinful, hurtful, and it continues on and on. Until, all of my hopes for love, to be in love, are gone. ~Squish~ "Untitled" In pain, all alone So dark and dreary Paints my heart with fire and fury The dark so cold and unforgiving Leaves me fearing, leaves me dreaming Dreams of joy and dreams of sorrow Leave me feeling whole yet hollow Hollow hearts are hurtful and sinful Searching always to fill The emptiness I feel.... ~Squish~ Such wonderful poems! So bright and cheerful! heh heh....Ah fuck it. Signing out of my nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood: indescribableCurrent Music: Cat purring next to me =^..^= | ||
| 8:37 am | Okay a quick thank you... Thank you everyone who replyed to my last post. Your comments were touching and greatly appreciated and I care for you all. LUVZ!!! Current Mood: touchedCurrent Music: Wheatus-Teenage Dirtbag | ||
| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 | |||
| 10:49 am | So now what? The lack of love in my life is plaguing my mind and ripping me apart from the inside out...I feel it, and yet I don't know how to stop it. I have been becoming more introverted with emotions and what is going on with me then I have ever been capable of for quite some time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am hoping that maybe if I just get out and get a job and start doing something the absence of companionship will not trouble my mind and destroy my heart anymore for I will be too distracted with life to notice. Perhaps that is the best solution considering that my most recent interest completely destroyed any hope I had of actually having any form of a successful relationship or "love" and also I am finding it more difficult to open up to others when before it was easy for me. I am getting to a point where I truly believe my problems don't matter as do I and I really just need to give up this stupid fucking depression or at least ignore it long enough to get my shit going or else I will be stuck in this house forever. I am at a loss as to if I am really ready to become a bee in this fucking hive and yet I truly have no choice if I want to live my life. I wonder if I will ever be content in life. At coffee this morning Nick spouted off that he believes he will find contentment in teaching his children, in new life, and before a second thought could enter my head I just opened my mouth and the words poured out, "I believe I will find contentment in death." Gotta love my optimism. I don't know why I thought that much less said it, but it was what entered my head and Nick said that what he said must have affected me emotionally because I turned three different shades of red. Interesting.... I am really getting to a point in life where it is becoming too obvious that I have to stop being a scared little gurl and grow up and get out. I am becoming a legal adult and it's time to get ready to live like one...and yet I am still scared shitless. I want more then ever to be independent, but I don't know if I am capable of it. Again back to coffee this morning, Nick wrote down: The reason some people are said to be a conundrum or enigma is that nobody including themselves knows what they are capable of. I thought that was pretty profound, but then again he thought my saying, "Everything is and nothing isn't," was profound when you really think about it. There ya go, I guess. I am still very tired of life and all it's little intricacies....I am really holding no faith in life or people right now. I have given up on both in a sense. I just need to start taking care of me then putting my hopes on others to make sure I am alright. Like I wrote recently, I am tired of people asking me if I am okay and not really caring to know that I am not and why...Because they truly seem to be sick of me "the depressed Squish" and just want me to shut the fuck up and cheer up. I suppose they are right in a way, but I am just a little too entwined in my psyche to really just let go of it all and move on...I am also to confused to understand what to do in order to continue on. I am clueless as to what now? I have this underlying belief that I am not capable of anything and am doomed to fail not only in a job, but in life in general. Yes it's my wonderful bright outlook on my future...*rolls eyes* I just don't like wandering through life with no answers to my purpose and no meaning to my life. I know life is what you make of it, but I am lacking in any inspiration to mold mine into anything...Devoid of direction and motivation...Indeed. I am also rambling and getting nowhere in my thought's with this entry. I'm signing out of my nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  scaredCurrent Music: Hanging by a moment?/By ??? Leave me alone it's on the radio | ||
| Monday, January 21st, 2002 | |||
| 11:58 pm | Interesting....  Go Faeries!! Take the What Faery Are You? Quiz! This quiz was made by lia Current Mood:  gloomy | ||
| Wednesday, January 16th, 2002 | |||
| 5:02 am | "Wishes" Carry me within your arms through dreams untold and lives forgotten. "Hold me now," I cry, "Leave me not alone." Cradle mine heart with yours as if I be, but still a child. If I will it, treat me as you would a precious fragile flower. Let me run, if I wish, through the everglades full and wild. But never let me go astray in times of pain nor sorrow. I shall dream and I shall wish and the 'membrance of happy times shall never falter. But, in the end, whilst thou look upon me with eyes of lust and love? Whilst thou touch my old worn skin and still feel the passion that burns within? ~Trish~ I'm signing out of my nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: Staind-it's been awhile | ||
| Monday, January 14th, 2002 | |||
| 6:17 am | Loathing for a change Too much bullshit...Too much pain...Too much hurting...Too much nonsense....Too much shallowness....Too many tears..... I'm tired of it all. Tired of crying on the inside and being unable to let it go and release it. Tired of the people around me talking about shit that doesn't matter and spouting forth bullshit to avoid anything too personal or heavy to mention. I am tired of people who are more shallow then kiddie pools trying to strike up meaningless conversations with me about shoes or clothes or things that no one really cares about. I'm tired of people asking me if I'm okay or what's wrong when they don't want to really know or hear me rant about what's wrong or the problems in my life. I'm tired of feeling displaced from others and unsure of myself around them. I'm tired of friends telling me I am a babe and intelligent, but not having any interests be interested in me. I'm tired of feeling lonely and feeling that, that will never change. I'm tired of feeling empty like nothing in my life matters including me. I'm tired of wondering if it's not that I'm lost amongst the nothingness, but if it's I am nothing. I'm tired of all of it, everything. I hate the way I feel inside. As if that something that I have always felt I've been missing is for some reason getting really important to have. I can't stand how much pain I am feeling. More so emotionally then physically. I want to change. I need to change. Something must change. I have to do something different for I feel shackled by everything right now. All this torment I feel.... I don't know where to turn, what to do, or how to change and I am becoming entirely too upset. Fuck! I am so fucking upset with MYSELF right now. Why can't I feel I am truly living? Why can't I fucking enjoy life? Why wont something come along in life to make me feel content and happy for more then a god damned day? Why do I always end up asking why questions? Fuck.... I'm signing out of my nonsense. ~Squishness~ Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: Bush-swallowed, off of their album raizorblade suitcase | ||
| 5:18 am | |||
| Wednesday, January 9th, 2002 | |||
| 8:05 pm | If only the masses would be so easily influenced as this...  Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: Dave Mathews Band-RAPUNZEL | ||
| Sunday, January 6th, 2002 | |||
| 6:41 pm | Interesting....
Current Mood:  pensiveCurrent Music: Nirvana-Come as you are | ||
| Friday, January 4th, 2002 | |||
| 7:06 am | Interesting, but not everything that is me....  Red: 6/100 Blue: 19/100 White: 6/100 Yellow: 14/100 Take the Color Code Test by Dano Current Mood: tired | ||
