Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tricky_21's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
7:37 pm	Went to a party on Saturday and got way too drunk. Ended up pashing my gay friend D again. Really must stop doing that. This time we actually felt each other up, I mean I felt his cock and he felt my boobs. Through clothes though so is ok. But I sat on his lap all night, he's so cuddly. He tells me that I'm his 'fag hag', which is true I suppose. I told him that I was bi, which made me feel great because I was really worried about his reaction, but he was fine. He just gave me a big hug. I Also felt up one of my best friends. I think I made her feel a little weird. She's just got great breasts, I couldn't help myself. After the party everyone came back to my place, and it was really fun, rolling around on my bed, drinking more and chatting to everyone. The feather boas came out, and so too the Sports Illustrated (hmmm, yum). I was picking up feathers the whole of the next day. D was talking to me for ages trying to convince me to dump the b/f. He always does. Maybe he's right, I dunno. My two best buddies told me something like "we love you, we just want you to be happy and get what you want" I told them that I couldn't have what I wanted, but couldn't explain why. I wonder if they even mean it. D was also telling me that I had to come out to my parents. He has but his parents are normal. I was trying to explain to him the fact that mine are psychotic and I would end up in bible school if I so much as revealed 'tendancies', but he didn't understand. Got me thinking though.. if I don't tell them my life will continue to be a hideous lie until they are dead, which may well be 30 years away. By then I'll be 50 and too decrepit to have a decent sex life anyways. since I've been thinking bout it, everything I suggesting that I should do it. For instance, tv last night - Starts with Secret Life of Us, where Ritchie comes out to his dad, with poor results I might add. Then came Sex and the City - apparently Samantha is now a lesbian, or something (that show is really starting to piss me off). Next was Six Feet Under, where David got hassled by his boyfriend for denying the fact he was gay. He was also about to come out to his mum. Then finally Buffy, no coming out this time but Willow and Tara getting it on in front of all. The Samantha thing pisses me off. Just the other day my friends told me I was most like Samantha, so now if I tell them i'm bi they will thing it's some bullshit trend. When I was watching it I wished that she would get with the chick cause it was so stupid, the way she loved her but wouldn't have a relationship just because she happened to be a woman. But now it's just yuck. I wonder how many episodes she will be a 'lesbian' for? Maybe one? That sucks. Current Mood: horny Current Music: Men are Not Nice Guys - Grand Popo Football Club (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 11th, 2002
10:35 pm	What to do? I'm so pissed off. My gorgeous friend invites me to a rave, says she wants to e with me, which I have been dying to do with her for ages. I don't know why, I just want to share an experience with her, have a moment. I really want to but I'm scared what will happen to me if I mix e with anti-depressants. I've heard that SSRI's are ok to take with e, except that they negate some of the effects of the e. That would be ok, though it may be a waste of money. Also the comedown from e can be savage, not really what I need right now. Also I heard something about some nasty, so-called 'Seratonin Syndrome", which can be fatal. Maybe I could stop taking the anti-d's till the rave and take the e then go back on the meds after that. I feel so irresponsible. Can expect a lecture from therapist. I thought I was ready to take control of my health issues but I want to do this too. Why do these impossible decisions always arise? Either way I lose something. Maybe, assuming it doesn't kill me etc I won't lose if I take the e. It's just the potential risk that is the worry, but I might be fine. I tried to ring my doctor to ask him, but he wasn't there. I rang teh National Drug Inquiry Line, he said it wasn't a very good idea - neurotransmitter damage or some such thing, but he wasn't very convincing. It's not fair. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 4th, 2002
9:56 pm	Today was really shitty and exhausting. I woke up feeling great, happy. Granted I sleep in half the day because I was seriously tired, but I felt really great. Decided it was time to clean my room. Was going to be a great day with lots of things acomplished. Started cleaning room, felt really fast, very effecient, running around the room cleaning this and that. Decided I had to do everything really quickly as cleaning mood and good mood would surely end abruptly. Half way through cleaning room burst into tears for no reason, suddenly felt like total crap and had to lie down. Spent next two hours doing nothing, just lying down, crying. Got up and felt dizzy, ended up lounging aroung for the rest of day, feeling very tired and sad. Later my mind started racing again, I desparately felt the urge to scream and throw things and brake things, so I cut myself instead. Instantly better. Now I just sort of feel 'normal'. Very exhausting to feel so many extremes in one day. Am going to doctor tomorrow - if can get out of bed. Should be on meds, i think. Feel like screaming at doctor to make me better. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
9:25 pm	Ok Freud, do your best! Had the weirdest dream last night, very disturbing. Was at this restaurant/cafe type place with some 'friends', who I didn't know, then we decided to walk to a nearby nightclub. On the way to the club I realised that one of the 'friends' was an old buddy from High School, James, who just happens to be gay. On the way to the club we walk past a crowd of people and he says "Whoa, did you see that lesbian?" I looked everywhere, but missed her. Then we walk past a sexshop, and he complains about their lack of gay products. We then discuss the the differences/ pros & cons of gay vs straight porn, not seeming to reach any real conclusion. But he says "You know, I really wish that someone had told me I was gay" I agree, and we keep walking. We get to the club and go and sit down together, to catch up and chat etc, suddenly he starts kissing me, which was nice but obviously weird. I take off his baseball cap and read the back. It says some really strange things like "First I decided to (something I can't recall), "Then I decided to save the Amazon Rainforest", "And then I decided I was gay". I throw it down. Then in the middle of this club he decides to take my top off, he starts sucking my nipple, and then he went down on me, and we started having sex. Suddenly my b/f appears and starts screaming at me. Then gets into bloody fight with James and I wake up. Too weird. Poor James. Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: Jennifer's Body - Hole (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 31st, 2002
4:05 pm	Diagnosis: Nut-job! Went to see community health person. Was quite good. Want's me to do group therapy, ha what a laugh! *stands up* "Hi, my name's Kelly, I'm a 21 year old unemployed, depressive, cutting, bisexual nutjob, with obsessive compulsive tendancies, low self esteem and anxiety issues." It's a little too Hollywood, betty ford clinic for me, but I'll probably go, could be interesting. Have started going to the gym. Need a job bad, yet am doing nothing to achieve this. hmm, Dammit. I am so needing a sexy girl to have my way with right now. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Foo Fighters (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 27th, 2002
8:20 pm	Ahaha! Ms. Barch is the Science Teacher From Hell. She's psychotic and has a healthy distaste for men. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 25th, 2002
2:23 pm	Queer Australia! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002
10:16 pm	Oh God I think I am turning gay. Is this possible? I don't want to, or maybe I do, I don't know. Isn't that fucked. Maybe its just a phase. Ha. No, it can't be possible. Maybe I just don't wanna have sex with the b/f cause it's him. I'm worried. I don't wanna be gay. I don't care, I just don't want to have to go through shit anymore. Funny, I used to pray to be gay, maybe now I will pray to be bi. Stupid life. Fuck, my parents come back tomorrow. I can't stand their shit. I need to move out ASAP, it's killing me. Must go and open mother's mail before she comes home. Hey, she started it! Current Mood: confused Current Music: Smells like Teen Spirit - Nirvana (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 17th, 2002
9:46 pm	Hmmmm.... Which drink are you? (Comment on this)
6:30 pm	Bad day, again. Having a really shitty day. Nothing in particular happened. Just feeling very sad. Realised that I never want to have sex again. And to think that I used to be such a nympho. I visited my little community health friends. Well, if you call driving past the building several times. Why am I such a loser? Went to the park and had a few cigarettes. Very boring day. Cut my leg once. Will probably do again. New blades, very sharp, clean cuts. Did nothing to contribute to ongoing job search. Am thinking about going in the Mardi Gras on a float. Too chicken. Would be fun though, and good to meet people. Biggest party of the year. Have to cook dinner. Need to lose weight. Current Mood: weird Current Music: Sometimes - Michael Franti (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 13th, 2002
9:52 pm	What am I doing?? Am still hungover from last night, feel like shit, am shit. Last night b/f told me to fuck off. Then we had a screaming match until 6:30am. Today we went to the beach. I feel like I have let him off too easy, not that I want to punish him (or maybe I do), but he made me feel like total crap, in front of all my friends. I didn't want him, or anyone else to see me cry, but they all did. He told me that my telling him about the anti-d's really pissed him off, and that he didn't think he could be with someone like me. He apologised and told me he loved me, but I feel like some sort of sadistic, co-dependant doormat. My horoscope today: The new moon falls in your angle of marriage. It's time to look at where you're going and what you want out of your love life. Something new starts, something you thought would never get underway. Spread your wings. And his: Domestic affairs will take some sorting out as people force you to adopt a new approach. Something will end. You'll say you don't mind, but deep down you'll mind very much. Time to go with the flow. Interesting. If only I believed them. Have just realised that I am complete crap. I just want to be happy. Current Mood: distressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 10th, 2002
4:47 pm	More Progress Finally got through to the community health people, and got registered. Maybe I left it too late. Certainly. Though I mean maybe my depression will naturally reach it's end. I'm not sure if that really happens. It did last time. And it's been ages, months and months this time, so maybe I don't need any help, maybe I'm wasting their time. Some things have changed - getting out of bed is not as impossible as it seemed a few months ago. I suppose I'll see what they say. My b/f is an idiot - of course I knew this, but I still loved/love him. I don't know why, I guess I just don't wanna be alone, although I feel alone anyway. I have realised that to be happy I simply have to leave home. There is little chance of happiness, or normality in this environment. Unfortunately I have no money and no job, so I'm stuck here for quite some time. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Pretty - James (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 5th, 2002
10:33 pm	Girl finally got some Balls I finally dropped the bombshell and told the b/f that I had been seen a pysch and been on anti-d's. We had a huge fight about me smoking cigarettes of all things, and for some reason I got pissed off and thought "Fuck it, time for some honesty." So I basically rolled off my whole life story, which was a (drunken) mistake, must have been very heavy for him to take in one go. He got upset and was very quiet, I'm not sure if we are still together or not. I thought honesty was the best policy. I thought that with honesty you can't lose. Apparently you can. I'm so sad now, thinking that I could lose him. I'm not good enough for him, clearly. I didn't tell him that I'm prone to SI, thought that would have totally freaked him out. Now I'm way too scared to cut myself cause he will be more likely to notice, but feel the need to more than ever. I'm also scared he will tell my parents. Arghh, now I almost wish that he didn't know. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Angry Any More - Ani di Franco (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
9:56 pm	Ramblings Was feeling very very good for a long time after (and during) holiday. Thought was cured. Was wrong. Funny thing is that I felt bad about feeling good, not guilty bad, but just this feeling that I wanted to be sick and depressed. I was sad about feeling happy. Crazy, stupid girl. Now am feeling quite low again and would give anything to be better. I don't know what's going on, why it went away for a while, or why it came back. I think maybe the holiday diverted my attention, of course there were still bad times away, though i never did cut myself, almost thought I never would again. Same as smoking, only had one cigarette while away, thought would have broken both these habits, and I think I did. But for some lame reason I chose to start again. Could have also made some effort to NY resolve these things away, but chose not to. I rang the Community Health people today to get my case back on track and let them know that I'm back in Oz, but the lady responsible for admin wasn't in, so I burned myself. I don't know why, it's hardly my fault that she wasn't there. I just wanted to do something to get relief. It did sort of work, for a while anyway. On NYE I told my b/f that I had thought about committing suicide, and he said something along the lines of "You can't leave me, I would be devestated. Call me if you need to talk" which was sorta nice, and progressive, but then he got drunk and forgot all about it. He hasn't mentioned it since, so maybe he forgot or doesn't wanna talk about it. I am feeling very lonely. Now have to look for job asap, but I just don't have the energy or the enthusiasm. But I have to, because that's what people do. Feel like dying just to escape the constant cycle and barrage of obligations and expected actions and timelines. Of course if I don't get a job I'll sit around here and feel like an idiot and start to hate myself again. Wish I was rich so I could travel for a year and try and piece myself together. I hate the way my friends are so naive and so normal and great and happy and straight and successful and so fucking mediocre. I hate the way I am such a bitch. Have been thinking about once and for all spilling the beans to the whole world about my sexlife. Parents maybe a bad idea, seeing that although living with them is killing me, my financial situation (eg. flat broke)leaves me little option. I'm thinking that my friends can go and fuck themselves if they don't like it, many know anyway - and they way they gossip everyone probably knows anyway. It's been on my mind lately anyway, I'm just sick of hiding and lying. Current Music: Zero - The Smashing Pumpkins (Comment on this)
9:47 pm	This Rings True Man, I used to have the biggest thing for this girl. (Comment on this)
9:36 pm	Hmm, I don't know about This Take the Which Empire Records Character are You? Quiz. Current Mood: moody Current Music: Heavensent - Killing Heidi (Comment on this)
Friday, December 28th, 2001
7:00 pm	Grandma would Not be Pleased! So after my last post on Christmas day, got a call and then found myself drinking silly at a friends house. Very good to have drinking company. Things got sorta strange and I ended up kissing a friend. Now am wondering if this classifies as "cheating", seeing that it was only kissing, albeit several times. More importantly my friend is gay, very very openly gay. And I'm not attracted to him in that way, so am thinking it's not cheating? Current Mood: tired Current Music: Nightswimming - REM (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 25th, 2001
7:46 pm	The Sky is Red So Christmas is nearly over again. Christmas lunch was cut short, as my brother and his g/f had to leave early cause the town where her family lives was experiencing the nasty side effects of a firestorm. At least two nearby houses gone completely. Have been watching on the news. Looks really bad, hope they are ok. Not a very nice Christmas. Though, the early demise of lunch was not so bad as Grandma began to fill me in on her "dislike for Poofters" lol. Am now trying to fill self with Christmas Spirit, namely Vodka. Current Mood: full Current Music: Watching Angels Mend - Alex Lloyd (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 24th, 2001
3:22 pm	Am back Back home again, very broke. Mother is playing old tricks - "Let's open and read Kelly's mail, while she's away" etc. Silly Bitch. Holiday was very good. Being home sucks. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Cherry Lips - Garbage (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 7th, 2001
11:11 am	NZ Post Am in NZ, having good time despite insanely bad weather. Need much sleep, but figure can sleep when dead. Trying to overcome hopeless crush on beautiul traveling partner. Not much luck, feeling bad about that. Am feeling very very frustrated. Oh well. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)