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[20 Mar 2002|06:09pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | our lady peace - made to heal ] registered for my classes today... at least that's out of the way now. i'm set up for a semester of genetics, physics, inorganic chem, experimental design, juvenile delinquency, and karate. my mind's gonna blow. now to study. i haven't done any work in days, which means i've got a plentiful amount to do tonight for my two labs tomorrow. seven straight hours of lab! life doesn't get any better than this. right. and jen's all psychopissy again, go figure. she's a nut case like nobody's business. i dont know what to say or do around her anymore, so i just........ dont. and stacey's reached a new low of slut-dom. i dont even want to get into it... suffice to say that the money she spent on this sorority might have bought her the ability to never sit alone at lunch, but it certainly didn't buy her any self-respect. this whole sorority thing of hers makes me sick. i dont know what else to say... so back to work with me. post comment

just ducky [15 Mar 2002|06:15pm] All ducks aren't sweet and innocent and you prove that. You have a nasty streak. Find your inner rubber ducky. post comment

[13 Mar 2002|08:37pm] [ mood | horny ] sometimes... it just feels soooo good... to be soooo bad. know what i mean?? post comment

back from break [12 Mar 2002|09:53am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | 95.9 the canadian radio station ] blaaah. i havent written in a really long time, because i was on spring break. but here i am, back to the grind at behrend. break was great--i was amazingly busy. while i was at jen's, we went to philadelphia, baltimore, church, the capital building, chocolate world, the national aquarium, fancy restaurants, chet's house, and a skatepark, and still managed to find time to cook dinner, clean jen's house, and relax in the hot tub. when i got home, i spent a day with my grandmother, worked at my stepdad's shop, visited my dad, went to a show, visited sarah, and spent good quality time with my family. so far i've been back for one day, and i've already slept through two classes, failed a quiz, and aced a test. wooo! and i worked too... five glorious hours of kmart highlighted by jeff spraying nasty perfume all over me, chris punching me in the back, and jenn telling me about her sex life. the fun never stops! post comment

freshmen cut off [25 Feb 2002|11:18pm] [ mood | pissed off ] my suitemates hung a sign on the side of their door that faces the common room announcing "please knock before entering." when i asked about it, stacey got snide with me and informed me to knock. i made a point of not knocking when i went back in. this sign pissed me off more than all the nights of hypocrisy and alcohol combined. it declared, in a freshman kind of way, that the girls we used to call 'our freshmen' are separate from us, and that we are only welcome in their lives on their time, on their terms. their lives and their terms are fucking disgusting anymore. i've never seen two bigger wastes of life in all my time here at college. jen's already disowned them, and refuses to speak to them, and i think its about time i did the same. and they'd better stay out of my way too. because when i get pissed off, i get pissed off. and no one had better fuck with me when i'm pissed off, because the only kind of anger i know how to produce is explosive and irrational. i get crazy and i just blow. so stand back, freshmen, or you're going down. hardcore. 2 comments|post comment

[20 Feb 2002|10:47pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | chet talking... chet loves to talk! ] its off with aaron. hope we can still be friends, because he's very important to me, and one of my best friends ever. hangin out with jen and chet for now... its great to have chet back from the marines, he's so damn funny. its been a laugh a minute all week long. went to dinner with my family yesterday... is there anyone in the world greater than my brother? i don't think so. he's coming up soon to play a show here at behrend, and then he's going to do an acoustic set at our next bingo... its gonna be a great time. i dunno what else. i'm doing great, i feel good, my classes are getting under control, and other than this desire to sleep all the time, everything seems to be coming together for me. ten days till spring break... then off for an exciting week in harrisburg with jen! we're going to baltimore and philadelphia too, so i can see all the sights... jen can't wait to show off her hometown to me... i can't wait to see it, and to get away from behrend for a while. post comment

[14 Feb 2002|08:38pm] [ music | weezer - only in dreams ] only in dreams we see what it means reach out your hand hold onto hers but when you wake it's all been erased and so it seems only in dreams 1 comment|post comment

[13 Feb 2002|09:34am] [ mood | blah ] writing at last, although i'm not sure what to say. aaron and i are done... its not official yet... but its very evident that it will happen in the near future. i can't do distance... and i just don't feel it anymore, even when he's here. these things happen i guess... but i feel really awful about hurting him... i dont know if i can do it. i've been a little busier lately... bingo was friday, and i've been working a little more, and school is dumping all kinds of shit on me, plus jen and i started going to the gym and going to bed earlier... its good to not be bored, but i'm afraid the schoolwork is going to pile up. kyle came up sunday and we went to dinner and stuff... its always a good time with my brother. he hit the big 18 on monday, and now he's buying cigarettes without fear. he bought a tobacco pipe too... my crazy little brother with his piercings and his dirty clothes smoking a pipe is something you have to see to believe. alright time for class... blaaah. post comment

[06 Feb 2002|11:44pm] [ mood | beat ] [ music | the pipes are making bubbling noises... i dont get it ] decided not to call michael, at least not at this time. i'm not emotionally ready for it yet. its a mess. he meant so much, and to just cut me dead like that... i have his number hanging up here, so that i'll think about it, and work through it, and get to a point where i'm comfortable calling. its been good today, hanging out with jen, dancing and singing and mocking the freshmen. went to the mall, then shopping for midnight bingo, $225 of stuff on my credit card thats not mine. bingo will reimburse me for that, and fast. and even talking to aaron was alright for once... no sadness, no anger. other than being dead-dog tired all the time, things are taking a turn for the better. maybe i wont need to be hopped up on meds after all. post comment

if you still care at all, dont go, tell me now. if you love me at all, dont call. [04 Feb 2002|11:49pm] [ mood | torn ] [ music | jimmy eat world - your house ] i found michael's phone number. this is shattering news. let me explain. at the show on saturday night, grady flagged me down as soon as i walked in the door. "jess! jess! you know that guy that you made out with at my house??" (i didnt ever make out with mike at grady's, but i got the joke.) "he told me that if i see you, i should tell you to call him, cause he really wants to talk to you." then why didnt he call me himself? i came up with the answer to this after tearing through piles of papers and photographs for over an hour trying to find his number. he lost it. or he was scared. i never did find the little scrap of paper with his number on it, red writing on a yellow paper with stars around it. but i found an old phone bill with long-distance calls to titusville on it, and made a new yellow paper. with red writing. and a lot more stars than the first one had. should i call or not? things arent real great with aaron, but do i want to try a reconciliation with mike? is that even what he wants, or does he just want to apologize for dicking me over? i'd love an apology. tragically, i'd also love a reconciliation. thats not fair to aaron in the least. and would mike just fuck me over again? i'm not in the right mental state to be fucked with in any way right now. i havent called. i want to call. its too late tonight. tomorrow jen will be back... i'll ask jen what she thinks. i already know what she'll say--dont call--but i'll ask her anyway. there's no right way to do anything in my life anymore, is there? i just wish i knew what would be best sometimes, since there's no real good answer. does anyone know? 1 comment|post comment

the only thing better than being alkaline trio is... [02 Feb 2002|05:30pm] post comment

YEAH! [02 Feb 2002|10:10am] I am ALKALINE TRIO. Find out which band you are! this would have been way more satisfying if it wasn't so blatantly obvious how to be alkaline trio in this quiz. 1 comment|post comment

[02 Feb 2002|10:03am] Which Carbonated Beverage Are You? pure and innocent? good joke... post comment

ughhh [31 Jan 2002|03:46pm] told aaron last night not to call me anymore, that i needed time to myself to think and evaluate things. i cant handle this long-distance thing. i need somebody who's gonna be here when i need them, especially now that my life's such a disaster. dreamed about jim. again. i cant figure out which is worse, thinking about jim when i'm asleep, or thinking about jim when i'm awake. i have nightmares all the time lately. i'm so tired i cant think about anything but sleep, and then i wake up a thousand times, at every little sound, at every negative REM impulse. i'm completely run-down and i have no energy for anything anymore. i'm getting really tired of waking up. i think i might stop. i just hallucinated something flying across the room. i think that means its time to go. post comment

eww sweet! [28 Jan 2002|09:29am] Take the What animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz 1 comment|post comment

long entry [26 Jan 2002|11:02am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | jen's writing a lab...when jen works it must be silent...grr ] this entry is to bobthebassist because he asked me why i'm so down. here you go... its a lot to wade through. i've just been going through a lot of shit lately. school is hard and time-consuming. kmart declared bankruptcy (chapter 11) and even though they said no stores in erie will close, i still have to worry about maybe losing my job. aaron is three hours away, and he never seems to be here when i need him, and he seems to be working more and answering his phone less, and its got me crazy nervous. all my friends seem to have drifted away as well, and my evenings are spent alone or with jen, who still is short-tempered and stressed out like nobody's business. and i've been having trouble with my family too--whenever i talk to them, somebody's fighting, my mom and bob are a step closer to getting divorced, and my brother's not always medicating himself like he should. and every little thing that goes wrong seems like a huge, life-stopping event for me, and i have times where i curl up in a little ball and wait to die. my mom's clinically depressed. so is my brother. so i started seeing a therapist, to figure out how i can not be so down all the time. things just add up and i cant seem to handle my own life anymore... i'm just trying to get back in control of things, and not feel so buried alive all the time, and not freak out and cry when things go a little out of whack. aaron's coming up tonight... i dont have any enthusiasm for his visit... i've already pushed it back twice. its not working. i dont have the heart for this relationship right now, and he doesnt understand why. hes too damn far away to see anything thats going on, and he just thinks i'm down cause hes not here, guy mentality that the world stops when they leave the room. and i have to work tonight, and i dont have the heart for that either, but i do need the money. my last paycheck sucked, and i'm trying to save up some money for the summer (new car maybe, or an apartment), and its not working at this rate. i'm starving... i'd better go eat... my mom's keeps trying to convince both my brother and i that clinical depression can be cured by 'eating better,' and that if we'd just get off 'that vegetarian kick' and eat a burger, we'd be a thousand times better. shut up mom. you say the dumbest things. 3 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2002|08:41am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | alkaline trio - trouble breathing ] you told me that you want to die i said i've been there myself more than a few times and i go back every once in a while you called me lucky you said tonight is a wonderful night to die i asked how you could tell, you told me to look at the sky look at all those stars look at how goddamn ugly the stars are its one or another between a rope and a bottle i can tell you're having trouble breathing cause you'll never be okay you'll always feel this way cause things they never work out right is the wrong way the only way you'll always be in pain you told me that the daylight burns you and that the sunrise is enough to kill you i said maybe you're a vampire you said its quite possible, i feel truly dead inside don't forget to let your life rot you inside out 1 comment|post comment

random [22 Jan 2002|04:41pm] [ music | alkaline trio - radio ] PunkIsDead75: so did i tell you i learned how to play radio by alkaline trio on guitar alk3angel: i am listening to that song right now!!! alk3angel: wow PunkIsDead75: thats weird alkaline trio unites the world.... 1 comment|post comment

hmmm [19 Jan 2002|02:48pm] My anthem is: "Electro-Shock Blues," by Eels. I'm a very giving person, which means I frequently cut myself short. Everyone sees me as being perfectly alright, without any huge problems of my own, but I beg to differ. Even when I ask for help, no one really believes me... I'm trying, but it's not easy. Find out what YOUR anthem is HERE! i am not familiar with this song... but thats okay i guess... post comment

[18 Jan 2002|04:08pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | linkin park - pushing me away ] so aaron and i had a royal rumble yesterday because someone told him i slept with jim... where did anyone get this idea?? just because i'm bad doesn't automatically mean i'm that bad. i was bad... but i was forgiven... aaron loves me no less, and i love him more for it. jim came within the thickness of a door to having the living shit beaten out of him. if he would have answered when aaron had knocked... things would have been really ugly. and part of me would have sided with jim... but a big part of me would have enjoyed it. he has it coming to him. my roommate doesn't think very highly of me anymore though, and somehow through a complicated game of Telephone she doesnt think much of aaron or the way i handled the situation. its my life, and i think i handled it maturely, and aaron feels the same. fuck jen. life in almy 109 is getting really damn tense, and i'm starting to think about getting out. anyone need a roommate? if there was any feasible way to do it, i'd get out of behrend altogether. i'm tired of it here, tired of people and the way they act and the things they say. but theres nowhere for me to go; i need to stay in school. suck it up jess. life goes on. post comment

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