Monday, January 28th, 2002

Subject: The Winter Spectacular Time: 12:09 am. Mood: confused. Music: Sweet November.

i just got back from the dance. i had funnnnn!! caroline and scott are turning into another alan and danielle, though. they were making out the whole time. but danielle was too busy with her hands down alan's pants and going down on him and giving him lap dances to care. oh, and they were making out the whole time too. [paragraph edit] stephanie and bob were...well...yes...he's 17 and she's my age and they were...happy? is that the word? after the dance ryan invited me to danielle's and i was going to go but then caleb asked me if i wanted to go out to dinner and i decided to go with him instead. then annamarie decided she wanted to go with us...so she did. we went to eat n park and got some food and joked around and stuff. i was looking forward to really being able to talk to him after she left, but only like 10 minutes after she left, we did, too. ah well. [paragraph edit] now caleb is saying he didnt have a good time, even though he was like going nutes and having fun when we were there, dancing with bob and these 2 girls and me. he seemed like he was having such a good time...and he CHOSE to go...at least i think he did...but really, i forved him to go...now i feel horrible. even though he seemed like he was having a good time and i THOUGHT he made the decision i still feel like i forced him to go. god i feel so bad...but what was there i could do??? i asked him in the first place and he said yes...then i asked him to make the decision again and he said yes again. what was there i could do? why do i feel so horrible about myself now? [paragraph edit] well i'm pretty much done. i had a very good time tonight. i hope caleb did, even if he had to see kirsten and he drank a purple soda that made him smell like dimatap. i really care about him a lot and it makes me sad that i forced him to do something that he didnt want to...why didnt he just tell me that he didnt want to go??? that makes me angry...and sad.... okay, i'm really going to leave now. i promise. maybe. just kidding. nighty nights, all. *grins*

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Subject: Kiss my ass, Nikki! Time: 4:29 pm. Mood: pissed off. Music: Dashboard Confessionals - Again I Go Unnoticed.

www.livejournal.com/users/nfgthrillerbaby THAT IS RIDICULOUS!!!! she is just SPREADING the rumor that i've been trying so hard to stop! these past few weeks the entire school has decided that i like caleb! now there are rumors everwhere from "sarah and caleb are dating" to "matt's going to try to fight caleb over sarah". it's so stupid! i coudlnt believe that entry nikki made!!!! who is she to say anything about me spending time with caleb? she flirts and falls in "love" with everything that comes within 20 feet of her that has a penis! this is really pathetic. [paragraph edit] i think caleb's mom might think we're dating, too. i suppose i can understand that, though. she doesnt talk to me much or see me at school or anything. really the only thing she knows is that he broke up wtih kristen, and she all of a sudden started seeing me everwhere. i was at his guitar recital and she was there, the basketball game last night, and we're going to the dance. i think it makes her happy to think that. on top of all of this, i'm really having a tough time with matt now...i just never see him. and at times it seems like i dont like him nearly as much as i used to. but other times i like him so much...it's so comfusing. i'm allowed to be changing feelings about him, too, so dont even start, nikki. (yes, she reads this.) we've been together for 3 months, longer than a relationship you'll probably ever have!! ok sorry...back to matt. so i'm not sure what i'm going to do. i'm pretty pissed at nikki right now. "i want them both to die or move to alabama"? that was so heartless. maybe she's mad beacuse she likes caleb and she CANT GET ANY GUYS. all the guts she does get, they get sick of her wtihin a week because they think she's so annoying!!! i have a lot more to write about but i dont have time...i have dance in a few hours and before that i have to do a bunch of stuff to get ready for the dance tonight. it's going to be a lot of fun. i get to wear my new pretty dress, too, lol. haha another thing nikki's pissed about - SHE'S NOT GOING BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well, i guess i'll be writing tomrrow or later tonight about the dance. P.S.- i saw a walk to remember last night, not with matt, but with my friends. he backed out of that, too. it was very good. i cried, lol. i suggest it to all of you, it's a wonderful movie!

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Subject: "My hips don't move around and side to side at once!" Time: 5:37 pm. Mood: cold. Music: Good Charlotte - Screamer.

why is it that time begins to move faster once you get older? not older, but at the age i am (14), really. last year time seemed to be crawling but this year it's flying by. the year is already half over - 90 more days of school. yay? i lose my study hall, that's bad. but i dont mind. my 9th grade year is almost over. soon i will no longer have to be a lowly freshman. yay. anyway. this week has gone SO fast. it's been a blur. monday was okay, i remember still feeling a little bit off. that night me and amber went to caleb's guitar recital, we made him signs and like yelled when he went on, lol, it was fun. he wouldn't admit it at first, but he appreciated it. none of the other people had signs for them =o) tuesday was okay, i dont remember much of it. i do remember matt getting a little bit miffed because i've been spending so much time with caleb lately. i dont think that's fair. now that dan's gone and nick's "out of my life", caleb's the best [guy] friend that i have. i really like him and like spending time with him. sometimes i feel like i'm annoying him, and that hurts, but i think that maybe he might like spending time with me, too. and he's going through a tough time right now. i think i have a right to spend time with him. am i right? plus, i dont want him controlling who i hang out with. caleb stays. that afternoon i had rehersal and we got to the second act. PEOPLE NEED TO START REHERSING THEIR LINES!!!!!!!!! it's getting close. yes, i know, it's only the end-ish of january and the show isnt until the end of march, but that goes by really fast, and the deadlines for lines is february 8th! people are being stupid about it. erlack. wednesday is a blank. can't remember anything about it. thursday i went to the orthodontist, and the rest of the night my braces were KILLING me. they still hurt, actually. spent the night doing laundry and talking to matt on the phone. 'twas nice. friday we had to sell these lolipops for the theatre arts department becasue we're broke, and i somehow managed to sell the entire bag at lunch. it was crazy. people just grabbed the bag, took lolipops, and stuffed money in. i somehow ended up with a dollar or two extra, which i will probably buy more lolipops with. hey, it goes to the theatre arts department anyway....walking out from spanish that day, some kid who's friends with matt comes up to me and goes "you didn't hear this from me, but matt said that if nothing happens tonight, (ryan's party) he's going to break up with you." i felt like crying and being mad at the same time, which is quite a challenge. i was really pissed, but i dont know. i dont exactly blame him, either. it's been almost three months. but still, it is NOT my fault! it's his fault i never see him. plus i'm a big believer in the "guys make the first move" thing. i'm not sure why. but i am. but regardless, i was trying, and he was being a butthead. it was his freaking fault!!!!!!! bah. then i had gym for the first time which sucks because i have a butch lesbian for a teacher. last night was ryan's party. great great!! double cool with knobs!!!! truly, in my opinion, what hight school parties should be like. except for the crappy music. there were like a trillion people there, all different crowds. downstairs there was food, tv, music, and dancing, upstairs there was quite a bit more food, scary movies, and places to talk or "be alone". i spend the majority of my time dancing, even though all they listened to was rap. it's bad, but it is good to dance to, i have to admit. jenn and amber were having a tough time learning to dance. amber was like "my hips dont go around AND back and forth at once!!!!" she was very frustrated. it was hilarious. finally we got some pennywise on, then some green day, and some blink 182. we jumped around a bit then went upstairs and watched the end of Halloween. after awhile it got kind of old, because i didnt know the story, so we went back downstairs but they were dancing with this nasty kid and spraying each other with water (having a "wet tshirt" contest) so i ran away, lol. for the rest of the time we just stood in the movie room with his arm around me, but he had to leave early beacuse his mom is a psycho bitch, so yeah. at the end i just ate a lot and watched as both kirsten and danielle fit themselves into ryan's thong, lol. that was amusing. danielle and alan were like on each other the whole time, not bothering to hide that they were making out and that he had his hand up her shirt. god, that's getting fucking old. caroline and scott were cuddeled the whole time, it was adorable. she really, really likes him, and he seems to really like her too. my parents came to pick us up and my mom was mad about something, so i couldnt go to amber's, so i came home and went to bed. today was the normal saturday routine, dance, then mcdonalds for lunch. i'm teaching myself to play guitar, so i did that after that. so far i've mastered the first 3 strings, and can play Green Day's - Good Riddance. i'm very proud of myself. i was just checking my old journal's friends list. god, stacey strum is such an amazing bitch. she's exactly like rachel, my oldest sister. so incredibly rude, horible to anyone who isnt exactly like her, and closed minded. she is truly terrible to people. a girl like that does not deserve any friends. and she's one of those people who "falls in love for the rest of her life" every two seconds. dear lord, that's annoying. speaking of "falling in love", eden wrote again to. she's just like stacey. blargh! can't stand any of them!!!!!! [i had a paragraph here but then i realized that it might offend someone who reads this soooo nevermind] i'm just glad, glad, glad that i have amber. she is SO great. i've been spending almost all my free time with her. it's so hard to believe that we only met a year ago. in some ways it feels like i've known her forever, and in some ways it feels like we've only been friends a week. i heard that my old best friend, andrea, moved back to pittsburgh and for awhile i was worried, but then i realized that no matter what, andrea wouldn't ever be able to replace amber. no one could. all the friendships i've had before, with few acceptions, have been very immature, pure fun ones. but wtih amber i get the fun and the friend. ok enough about how wonderful amber is! =o) i got my pictures from way back when amber, jenn, and i were at amber's. they great!!!!!!! NEXT WEEK IS THE " A WALK TO REMEMBER " PREMIRE!!!!! i'm supposed to go to see it with matt and a big group friday! i am SO EXCITED!!! i've wanted to see that for SO freaking long. if he can't go i'm going to flip out, as i told him about it two months ago! i read the book this week, (so i would'nt cry so hard at the movie) and it is SO sad!! now i'm just going to cry harder at the movie, lol. anyway, i'm counting down the days to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! welp, i'm hungry and i'm cold, so i'm going to go and play guitar some more, after dinner, perhaps.

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Subject: Letters from the Inside Time: 8:44 pm. Mood: drained. Music: Puddle of Mudd - Blurry.

man, i feel weak...i got my period last week and i guess it's been really heavy lately because i've been feeling really light headed all day...i almost passed out in the shower and i fell down the stairs...my parents are freaking out because last year my mom became anemic (or however you spell it) and passed out at Subway and was in the hospital for like 3 days. so they're stuffing me with iorn and vitamins and all that crap. i dont know, something doesn't feel right...i feel kind of off balance. i hope nothing's really wrong. that would suck. god i have SO much to catch up on. the matt thing - have you ever had one of those days, where you just want everthing and everyone out of your life? where you just get SO sick of EVERYTHING and evertyhing frustrates you and it's just blah. i was having one of those days and i was really really frustrated about never being able to see him and yeah, that and talking with danielle somehow put the image that i wanted to break up with him in my head, which isn't true. i guess i was confused...and it started all this shit with matt's brother (the previously mentioned bert)who's the biggest asshole ever. this whole relationship thing is really difficult, i've begun to realize, lol. but i do know that i've come to care about him a lot regardless of his faults...and i know i'd miss him a lot if we broke up. i guess i just want things to stay the way they are now...between me and matt anyway. he really is a great, great guy. oh yeah, i dont think i ever put what he got me for christmas in here. he gotteded meeeee...a silver necklace with black and white pearls on it, and a plain silver bracelet that matched. hehe i like itness!! this week has been ok, what i can remember of it anyway. the farthest back that i can think of right now is thursday, when i went home with amber to work on our math projects together. we played video games and ate junk food all night. it was great. and i BROKE HER TOE!!! long story. but it's ok now. friday was kind of a fun day at school, i was hyper and didnt do much. uuuhhh friday night i went to get my hair cut....it took 2 hours. yup, i got 8 inches chopped off. holy shit, that was a change. and i got blonde highlights. i'm really self consious about it, because it's relaly different...i'm really scared of what eveyron'e sgoing to think tomorrow. blech. after my haircut i went to see the advanced acting show at school (i got bonus points for going, plus i got to see matt there) and everyone raved over my hair...yeah...then i came home and went to bed early. the next morning i went to dance and all that crap, then i went to amber's. we did all kinda stuff...ate chicken wings and made retarted pudding and had ice cream and played video games. at one point my dad called and said matt had called and told me to call him, that it was "urgent"...it was just him being a sped. *rolls eyes* go figure! after we got off the phone me and amber stole all her dad's old 80's rock cd's, and danced around like retards, hehe! we listened to pat benetar and blondie and stevie nicks and all kinds of good stuff. and we listened to meatloaf! my dad used to play meatloaf when i was little!!! i remembered all the words!!!!! it was great!!! this morning i had religous school then mrs wong took me out for lunch. when i came home i went to the library and got a bunch of books, then sat around and read them all day. i alreayd finished one, it's called Letters From the Inside. truly wonderful, wonderful book. it's a story about a girl named Mandy and a girl named Tracey who meet through an ad Tracey puts in a magazine for a pen pal, and they begin to write to each other. Mandy's life is a little messed up but mostly normal, but Tracey's seems perfect. until one day when Mandy tries to give someone from the school Tracey says she goes to a letter to give to her, and she realizes that everything Tracey has told her about herself is a lie. so they regain trust in eachother while Mandy learns all about Tracey's disturbing past, and dismal future. and Mandy tells Tracey about her brother, and how he has a weird obsession with guns and isn't attached to anything in the world...and seems really eager to leave it and take Mandy, who he abuses, with him. I'm not going to give away the book by saying where Tracey really is or what she's in for, but it's a really amazing story. absolutley unforgettable. the only thing i didnt like about it is that there was really no ending...it's left for the reader to assume. that drives me crazy. i guess i know what happened but i'd like to think there was another way to end the book...it was so sad. i cried. things like that drive me crazy, even though i know they're not real. i like books that make me upset, though, because they make me want to make a difference in the world. i gotta go, i'm feeling so weird...i need to go lay (lay? lie?) down. more later.

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Subject: Queer as Folk Time: 3:20 pm. Mood: determined. Music: MxPx - Responsibility.

hm. there seems to be a big contreversy over amber's "gay show". lol no, amber doesn't have a lesbian network, it's that show that's been on for awhile but everyone's been ignoring until now, Queer as Folk. there was an article about it in the tv guide and all of a sudden it's such a huge deal. doesn't really make any sense...people are talking about it as if it's the freaking anti-christ! it's just a tv show! i dont know...i seem to be one of the only people now-a-days that doesn't have a problem whatsoever with gay people. since when is a guy's sexuality a problem? isn't it HIS buisness? when did it become "morally wrong" to like someone of the same sex? people are always talking about how they want everyone to be happy. well then why not let them do their own thing? there's a guy at our school who's gay and he's constantly barraged with insults because of who he is, the way he dresses, what he believes in. i personally think that the fact that people are teaching against it and telling their kids how horrible it is is WRONG. like the way states have made it illegal for same-sex marriges. that's someone else's life you may be ruining! and the people who believe in this like i do are usually too afraid to stand up and say it. i don't care if people call me a "dike" (i don't even know how to spell that, come to think of it.) because of what i believe in. i'm not catholic or christian or whatever the religion is that teaches that being gay is wrong, and i dont think it is. when i hear people saying "that's gay!" i take offsense to it. i dont care! i dont care if people think i'm gay. i and the people who matter to me the most know i'm not. it's more important to me that i stand up for what i believe in. my sisters are both so incredibly closed-minded and racist. if anna gets mad at me, instead of calling me stupid or and idiot, she'll call me a "dike" or a "lesbo" now. god! why can't people just learn to accept people for who they are? that really bothers me. and then there's kids like tom...all he talks about is how horrible it is to hate people because of their race, color and sexuality, and then he turns around and calls everyone gay! drives me insane. and then there's just the fact that most girls dont mind (keep in mind, MOST) and guys go crazy if you even mention it. like we were talking about that show and stuff at lunch today and nick and marc were pretty much offended. and yet, if you even SAY the word lesbian around them, they'll start an hour long conversation about how sexy that is. i'm not saying they have to be gay - but they do have to learn to deal with it. gay people aren't just going to fall off the planet because people don't like them. that's stupid. why can't people just be free to believe in what they want to believe in? i'm beginning to think i'm one of the only people that feels this way. i guess that's what dissappoints me the most.

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Subject: Guys are just cumming attractions Time: 3:22 pm. Mood: cold. Music: Flickerstick - Lift.

blargh, i have a lot to write, and not much time to write it. ah well - i can put off my english homework for awhile. today was great! 2 hour delay, baby. those are the best because you get 2 extra hours of sleep and the classes are all severley shortened, but you can get as many as you want, and it still doesnt count as a snow day (those get added on to our summer vacation time)!! whoooo!! i couldn't concentrate whatsoever today, and i had a math test. crap. i also have this special fx makeup thing to do for theatre arts, and i dont even have a character yet! i'm so screwed! anyway, we had to eat c lunch for the math test. that made math seem soooo long and i hate c lunch because amber goes and sits with shane and the people that are supposed to be my friends but freaking hate me and i sit with caramaline and jenny. but they dont get there until like half way through the period so i have to stand like a dumbass while amber pretends i have a reason to be there because they all hate me now for some reason, but still like her. it's very confusing. lunch was fun, though. me caramaline and jenny laughed through the whole thing. they're fun. this weekend was pretty cool, too. friday night i went to amber's (after eating pizza! yum!) and we sat up in her room and talked and watched the princess diaries and went to bed late. i also drank a lot. they keep a 2 liter of coke in their fridge for when i come over (neither her of her dad drinks coke and usually all they have in ginger ale so mr k. keeps coke in the fride for me hehe) and i like drank the whole thing! the next morning we got up early-ish and went shopping. mr k. dropped us off at noon and picked us up at 5 (actually 5:30). we both spent SO much money! i spent about $50 more than her, though. i spent $150 and she spent about $100. i bought...2 pink shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, a care bears shirt, a sweater jacket, a blue tank top, a hat, a locket, a stuffed animal eeyore, a stuffed bear, and a tigger watch. lol i hate spending money! but i did...and i got stuff i really like. especially the locket and the 2 stuffed animals =o) after we went shopping we went out for dinner to the old Eat n Park 50's diner thing and amber got like a bug in her salad lol and when we were done we went to toys r us and then we went to this dvd/computer game/video game store and the guy yelled at me! long story...then we went back to her house and modeled everything for her dad, and played video games. it was such a great day! great, i say! sunday i had religous school where i saw mikey...but i didnt get to talk to him because we were watching some movie about the life of jesus or something...i dunno i slept through it...then mrs. wong drove me home and i ate the whole house for lunch, lol. then later for some reason sheu and this kid named tomas walked up to my house, even though it was snowing like crazy and it was dark and there was like 2 inches of snow already on the ground. not to mention the fact that it was freezing. *shrugs* they stayed for like an hour and a half. lol tomas had his fly open the whole time, it was hilarious. anywhoo. so now we're back to today. yeah. s'not bad. i'm going to spend the rest of the day fixing my makeup kit for theatre arts, and going over my script 2 million times! the lines just won't stick in my brain!!!!! i've never had trouble memorizing lines before, this is crazy. we have our first rehersal tomorrow, and i'm supposed to know the first act. I DONT!! i was supposed to get together wtih matt this weekend to practice but he's a fucking retard... about matt. i think i might break up with him...blah...it's just that i never get to see him and never even get to talk to him and i feel like i'm freaking dating his psycho mom! and i dunno...for some reason it doenst feel like i like him as much as i did when we first got together, and sometimes it seems like i put so much effort into it, and it's never worth it. but i dont want to because of the play, and ryan's party, and...i dunno...we broke up in 8th grade and i really regretted it, and i dont want to make that mistake again. it's too confusing! i wrote bert a note today and asked him what i should do because i reall dont know. this sucks. and if we break up i'm going to be really lonely...all of my friends are freaking attached at the hip with their boyfriends. they never go anywhere without them.....and when they ARE without them that's all the talk and think about. i guess it makes me feel better to be with matt even if it doesn't seem to be working...i dont want to be by myself...=o( i have to go, do homework and crap. hope i caught everyone up with everything. does anyone even read this? lol....i still want some online friends!! looooove meeeeeee!!!!!

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Subject: New Years can kiss my ass. And I want some damn chinese food. Time: 2:27 pm. Mood: grumpy. Music: Boy Meets World.

blah. i really need to stop looking forward to things. they never, ever turn out as i want them to. never have. never will. i can add new years to the list of holidays that fucking suck. so that makes...most Christmas', Valentines Day, and New years. damn, i'm going to be a bitter old woman. here's the story - i got to the party at like 8:30 but there were all these stoners in the basement so me, matt, chun and steph decided to go for a walk outside...actually, matt and chun decided and we followed, which i wish i hadn't done because it was so damn cold outisde...and my jacket isn't very warm...i was freezing...we went to this retarted feild thing i dont even know what the point was...then we went back to chun's for a little bit. then we went back to curuther's for awhile but i dunno they were just sitting there being stoned and stupid so we left again and went back to chun's...we played video games and crap...then the doorbell rang and curuthers comes in...he left his own party cause such losers were there...chun's basement was like freezing and me and matt were sitting under a blanket, and that was nice...he held me for awhile and he smelled good and that was very nice...but then his mom came like an hour early and he didn't even say goodbye he just left...=o(...and then i was left at the mercy of freakin hornball-curuthers..god...he was like on me the whole time...and he kept saying stuff like "damn, if i didnt like matt so much..." "i feel like i'm cheating on matt with you" and all this shit...and he was like "we should go outside" and it was STUPID!! NO!! and he tried to kiss me at midnight but i turned away at the last second...tee hee...that part was kinda funny... so i get home and i was pissed and my parents went to bed, but i stayed up and watched the Princess diaries again, lol...i went to bed at like 3 and got up this morning at noon. my mom took me out shopping and now i'm here. amber called while i was gone so i called her back and she told me about her perfect new years...she went to shane's at like 1:30 and spent the night...blah...it bothers me sometimes how we can never be happy at the same time...like this holiday went perfect with her and it sucked for me...and other days she'll feel like crap and i'll feel great...it sucks...i dunno i was already in a bad mood this morning and she was talking about stuff she and shane did but she wouldn't tell me what happened and i dunno i didnt want to argue and i didnt want to beg so i just told her i had to go...lol i'm a really bad friend i know...but that's one of the things that sucks about never being happy at the same time, the other one never wants to hear about it...i wanted to but she didnt want to talk about it so...yeah... i have to go back to school tomorrow. damn. this break went really fast. come to think of it, i spent almost every day with amber. friday when we got out of school, she came over and spent the night, then she left saturday morning and i spent the rest of saturday with my family...then we spent sunday on the phone talking about christmas the next day...then monday i went over there and stayed over, and tuesday she came to my house and stayed over, then wednesday she stayed until that night and we went to the hello fred show, (kind of) and then i went back to her house till 11. then thursday, i can't really remember what happened, i dont think i saw her, and then friday she came over and we went bowling later and then the flat tire thing happened and we were together till like 3:30 am...then saturday i went to her house and spent the night...then sunday i stayed there until like 11 and thennnnnnn monday news years crap happened. woah. this break was SWEET!!! la de da. i'm really really really really...yeah i think you get the point...sick of matt being so shy. i dont know what i'm going to do...blah...this is stupid! i'm angry! i dont know why! but i am! damn it! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *falls off chair* ok...i have to go do my english homework. i would be studying my script right now, which i REALLY REALLY need to be doing..badly..but i left it at amber's on sunday. shit. blah, today is REALLY not my day. I THINK YOU SHOULD ALL GO....UM....BUY ME SOME CHINESE FOOD!! RIGHT NOW!! cause i'm HUNGRY and i'm PISSED OFF and THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Subject: "I'll just make it hard and put a string through it"! Time: 12:52 pm. Mood: nervous. Music: The Princess Diaries.

argh all my days are a blur, i cant really remember what i've done to write what's happened! let's see. i'll assume the last time i wrote it was about thursday, so i'll start with friday. i was on the phone with amber and we decided to "get together" so when my dad had to take my sister to work (god, my dad is SO COOL!! and he's british too! lol i know that has nothing to do with it but people tend to like him more because he's British!) we picked her up. we sat around in my room and looked at ugly models in magazines (to make ourselves feel better, lol) and i put my magazine clippings that i liked up on my walls. some of them are kind of weird, but it looks cool in the end. then danielle called and asked if we wanted to go cosmic bowling at 11:30. we said sure but we still had a lot of time to kill, lol. so we watched a movie, Heartbreakers, which was really funny, and fit in my chair, lol! for chanukkah/christmas whatever my aunt sent us this chair that is incredibly bright (it's like rainbow lol) and it's like a hammock, only the other end isn't tied to something, it hangs, and it's a chair, and it's so comfortable! it's hard to describle but the net thing like closes around you and it's just....very very cool. and it's definitley a 1 person chair. but me and amber fit in it!! lol with ice cream, to watch blind date. and again, but that was kind of uncomfortable =o) lol when we were watching blind date i was like between her legs lol that's the only way i could fit, and we were talkig about how if anyone were to walk down the stairs, it would look really bad! but we don't even notice anymore. like we always say, it's weird how comfortable we've gotten with each other. not like lesbian comfortable, but i dunno. like she doesn't feel weird walking aorund in her room in her underwear with me there, talking, and whenever we watch movies we always end up under a blanket with like her leg on mine and my leg on hers and my butt on her stomach and her arms around me. lol. it's hard to explain, i guess. cosmic bowling was kind of fun. at first, it sucked, becuase it was like WOAH! ALAN AND DANIELLE!!!!!!!!! they're really NO fun to be around. he's always touching her (which you get used to, that doesn't really matter) but they're always making out all over the place and declaring their undying love for each other, which gets very old, very fast. it's gross. and me and amber were getting loney because we hadn't seen matt and shane since school...and really didn't have much plans to see them at all. but then danielle and alan left to "play games" in the dark, empty acrade (yeah, sure) and everyone had SO much more fun. it was just me, amber, kirsten, ryan and jenn good, and it was great. lol and me ryan and amber kept running past the window of the arcade to see what danielle and alan were doing...hehe we conga'd, we train'd, and they lifted me up like cheerleaders and ran across! and we like raped the vending machine with ryan, hehe! it was fun. it ended at 2 and, man, they really kick you out at 2!! they like made us leave the building and it was freezing outside and we didn't have jackets. lol these drunk guys were talking to us and they were like "hey ladies, what's up?" and amber goes "HI!!!" and runs away...it was SO FUNNY!!!! and they talked to us again but i can't remember what they said, lol. after like a half an hour we realized her dad was late and tried to call her house, but then we saw her dad walking up, lol. his car got a flat tire, and we had to call my dad (keep in mind this is 2:30 in the morning) to come pick us up! it was like 20 degrees outside, and snowing like crazy, and my dad drives up and...yeah. but he didnt mind, he thought it was funny. and he liked it because he got to talk to amber's dad, something he doesnt get to do much. he wants to be friends with him, but i dunno. it's sort of like my mom won't let him. i'm really lucky that my mom wasn't home because she would have gone CRAZY!!! then saturday i had to wait for my mom to get home...blah...and then i got to go to ambers...yay! it was great! so fun! we watched movies and played video games and ate ham and sat around "wasting our day" the next day (i spent the night) and making fun of ourselves. then that night (last night) we went to her grandma's to see her family because they coudln't go to the funeral thingy, and we went out to dinner, and then went back to their house for pie. her family's all pretty nice and her cousin is very...chubby. lol she has to take these drugs for her eyes or seomthing and it made her gain weight and it was all in her face! her face was huge, man. she was nice, though. very inocent. i can't remember being that innocent! tonight, i'm going to Coruthers' party. he's the kid that lives in rhode island, back for the holidays, that always tries to rape me? lol. i normally wouldnt go but matt is going!! AAAHHHH!!!! i'm nervous, man. lol me and amber planned everything out last night! she's going to shane's. only shes going in the afternoon and staying, having dinner with his family and crap.lol good luck amber. i'm freakin scared, man. i gotta go...i have to do my laundry and take a shower and straighten my hair and all that crap. wish me luck!!! ABOUT THE TITLE - me and amber were looking through magazines and there was this peep necklace (she's obsessed with peeps) but she didnt want to buy it so she was like "i'll make one of my own! i'll just wait till it gets hard and put a string through it." lol it was SO FUNNY!!! i was dying!! ok i'm done now!

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Subject: survey thing Time: 10:40 am. Mood: bored. Music: Green Day - Maria.

-*-*StArT*-*- What time is it?: 9:57 pm What is the date?: December 27th, 2001 Why are you filling this out?: well, i got the email, and i assumed the directions were to fill it out.... -*-*YoU yOu YoU*-*- Full name: Sarah Jessica (insert last name here) Do you like it?: i dunno, it's pretty good, i suppose? could always be better, but, i'd rather be named that than...flajinatorishcake or something, lol. actually, that's a pretty cool name... Nicknames: Sar, Sarbear, Sarahness, Shmoopyhead, Shmoo, Billy, Sarahface, "Rachel's sister", pretty much anything you want to call me If you could change your first name, what would it be?: uh, i dunno, i like weird names. Lily and April were always two of my favorites (Marc Dillian Daniel....lol Caroline!) (same as above) middle name?: mine's ok, don't really notice because i don't really use it much Age: 14 DOB: 3-10-1987...yes, it IS the same as my mom's birthday, everyone Height: 5 foot something Hair color: light brown Eye color: brown, even though i'm hoping and praying for green or hazel Where do you live?: Murrysville, PA Do you like it there?: all my friends are here, what's not to like? Why/Why not: i suppose it could be a little more interesting, but hey, it's home *shrugs* Where were you born?: Forbes or Magee, i can't remember which, in Pittsburgh Astrological sign: Pisces - oh yeah, go fish.... Shoe Size: erm, i have no idea Grade: i'm a lousy freshman! School: FRHS GPA: i manage to keep my grades good enough -*-*FaMiLy*-*- Parents names: Nancy and Rowan (the giant walking boob and penis lol Jenn) Do you have any siblings?: unfortunately If so, what are their names and ages?: Anna - 16 (bitch-meister) Rachel - 19 (not quite so bad, but only because she doesn't live with us anymore) Are your parents divorced/remarried/single?: together Pets: 3 cats which i love to death. Names: Golda, Shaina, and Minka. and we had a mouse named Stuart, but he just died...*sniffs* Do you like your family?: at times...but mostly, i just like to steer clear of them, because they aren't very nice. however, right now, my mom is out of town and everything is functioning smoothly. ah, only if every day could be like this! Favorite relative: my 2 freaking awesome cousins in florida!! who i NEVER get to see!! (yes, Amber, including the one with a butt chin!) -*-*FaVoRiTeS*-*- Number: 2 and 7 Color: baby blue, pastels Car: *purple* Dodge Intrepid Season: spring and winter....and fall Holiday: Halloween, Chanukkah, CHRISTMAS!! Month: March and April Day of the week: Friday! Grade so far: definitley not 8th, probably 7th, that was pretty good, as far as i can remember (which isn't much) Sport: football, lacrosse Class: Theatre Arts! Teacher so far: this year? Mr. Flemming. Ever? Mr. Silvestri. Drink: lemonade, coke Candy: Skittles! and Starburst! Taste the rainbow! Food: french fries, ANY KIND OF CHINESE FOOD!!! Fruit: Pomogranites, or however you spell it Veggie: celery and carrots Dessert: caramel nut fudge temptation....a hot brownie with vanilla ice cream, caramel sauce, whipped cream and a cherry on top. *drools* TV show: Friends, ER, The Simpsons, anything on "Zoog Disney" Radio station: 105.9 CD: at this moment? The Ataris, New Found Glory, Dashboard Confessionals, The Juliana Theory Movie: THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE!! llama face! 10 Things I hate about you, She's all That Actor: Hugh Grant, Heath Ledger, Freddie Prince JR. Actress: Julia Roberts, Julia Stiles, Rachel Leigh Cook Song: (Everything I Do) I Do it For You - New Found Glory Word: (word goes here)-ness (for gosh sake, people, stop stealing it!) Phrase: HERMA HERMA HERMA! uuuuhhh, i dunno, i have like 10 million (It's SO PRETTY!! lol Kaylin!) Animal: cat, hippo, anything cute, i go crazy over cute animals lol and Sean, he's my goat! Flower: roses *sighs* Clothing store: E-bay, lol. i dunno, wherever. Article of clothing: nick's shirt, my new green sweater, my new found glory shirts, my donna's (and blue's clues) sweatshirts, my hello fred *autographed* shirts Underwear: my un-snappable panties!!! State (that you've been to): CANANADA!! i know that's not a state, but i like it anyway. Ice cream flavor: Ice Cream Sandwich (yes, it's a type of ice cream) Peanutbutter Cup, Cookies and Cream, Cookie Dough Breakfast food: magic stars cereal, the simpsons cereals Way to have fun: be with my friends -*-*ThIs Or ThAt*-*- Me/You: pardon me? AOL/AIM: depends on my mood CD/Cassette: CD DVD/VCR: both seeing as we have both! score! the Messhams have gone digital! *grabs remote and reclines* Radio/CD: either Slow dance/Freak dance: SLOW DANCE!! *floats up to cloud nine, drools* Jeans/Khakis: jeans Jacket/Coat: i say both, acutally Leather/Pleather: ew, neither Sparkles/Bronze: sparkles, most likely Sexy/Hot: I'm both, oh yeah *dances* Car/Truck: car...hehe trucks are too hick-ish! Civic/Acura: either *shrugs* Corvette/Camero: both! Strong/Weak: strong Upset/Pissed: i really don't prefer either... Tall/Short: just the right height Lunch/Dinner: both, yum! Abercrombie/Hollister: EW! neither. actually, i dont know what Hollister is, lol. Gap/Old Navy: Old Navy, definitley Nsync/BSB: BSB, probably (still got some tween in me, guys) Britney/Christina: neither Love/Lust: .... Gone In 60 Seconds/The Fast and the Furious: haven't seen either, to tell you the truth Inside/Outside: uh, having both is always nice Lipstick/Lipgloss: lipgloss! i have lipgloss addiction problems!!!! Silver/Gold: silver Piercings/Tattoos: piercings Football/Basketball: football Thunder/Lightning: i dont really like storms This/That: both! -*-*FrIeNdS*-*- Who is your best girl friend?: Amber Guy friend?: well, Nick has always been, but i just don't know anymore Do you get along with people easily?: i certianally like to think so Why/Why not: because i try? i dunno Who have you known the longest?: Danielle, since the firsrt day of kindergarten Who do you dislike the most?: LINDSAY BRUNS, katie cline *shudders, gets the sudden urge to kill* Was your crush/bf/gf a close friend before you liked them?: relativley -*-*LoVe n ReLaTiOnShIpS*-*- Do you have a bf/gf?: yeah If so, who?: Matt *floats up to cloud nine* If not, do you have a crush?: -- If so, who?: -- How long have you liked your bf/gf/crush?: since we broke up in 7th grade What about them do you like so much?: i dunno....him, lol What is their strongest quality?: personality Weakest quality?: too freakin shy!!! How long have you known them?: since 6th grade What physical feature attracted you to them first?: how cute he looked in his glasses!!!! and the fact that he smelled so good Personality feature: ? If you could kiss one famous >MUSICIAN< who would it be and why?: TOM FROM BLINK 182!! SO FREAKIN HOTT, MAN!!! or Mitch Allen, my future husband!!!! or possibly chester from Linkin Park, BEFORE he shaved his head. If you could kiss one famous >ACTOR< who would it be and why?: Heath Ledger, if i didnt pass out first. or throw up! hehe!! If your single, why do you think you are?: -- What was your longest relationship?: 3 and a half months Shortest: a month, i think Who was your first love (if you've had one)?: Nick.... Do you miss them (if your not still together)?: god yes First kiss: still waiting Most recent kiss: see above question (excuse me alyssa, what are you doing, running around kissing my boyfriend?! lol) Who is one person you've liked but >NEVER< said a thing?: hm, i dont know. pretty much everyone i've liked i've told to my best friend at the time. lemme think... -*-*PaSt*-*- If you could take back one thing you did, what would it be and why?: ever having feelings for nick, or ever telling him about them Do you have any regrets?: so fucking many Last thing you said: "i haven't seen the rest of the movie, so i dont get it, dumbass!" to my sister Last song you heard: The Offspring - Feelings Last person you talked to: my sister If you could get back together with an ex, who would it be and why?: Nick, becuase being with him was perfect -*-*PrEsEnT*-*- What are you doing right now?: filling this out, listening to music What cd is in your cd player?: Dashboard Confessionals Are you cold?: nope, wearing my new green sweater How are you sitting?: sexily, of course. lol, what kind of a question is that? Is there music on?: yep If so, what song is it?: Hoobastank - Crawling in the Dark What time is it?: 9:57 pm Where are your parents?: my mom's in Baltimore, my dad's pacing in the kitchen -*-*FuTuRe*-*- How old will you be when you graduate high school?: 18, right? isnt' that how old i'm supposed to be? Are you going to get married?: i plan on it Although you cant tell who you'll marry, is there anyone you'd wish it would be?: blah If so, who?: blah Are you going to have children?: i plan on it If yes, how many?: 2 or 3 What will you name them?: April, Lily, Colin, Nicholas, and whatever i like at the time, lol Do you want to go to college?: yep Which college: any good music school What kind of car will you want to drive: Dodge Intrepid! What kind of job will you have: Elementary school/middle school Music Teacher Whats your expectations for when your 25?: to be...older? and to have boobs! lol i dunno -*-*HaVe YoU eVeR*-*- Drank: not really...but i want to! me and amber (and jenn!) would be so fun if we were drunk together! Smoked: never have, never will Skinny Dipped: nope, not comfortable with people seeing me naked lol Prank called the police: nope Been followed, ect by the police: not that i can remember! Been high: never have, never will Done drugs: never have, never will If so, what?: -- Stole: lol once when i was little, it was a screw or something, hehe, i stuck it in my sock! lol amber, i couldn't deal with the pressure! Met someone off the net: nope, my parents would never allow taht *rolls eyes* Been in a fist fight: a few Punched your sibling/parent: perhaps.... Wished you'd die: all last year Tried to commit suicide: not too close Broken a bone: my arm Driven illegally: sounds like fun! Thrown things at your parents: hehe yep! (by dad does NOT looks like Jesus, Danielle!) Runaway: not seriously, only once with my old best friend, Andrea, when we found out she was moving Filled out a survey this long: longer, actually -*-*OtHeRs*-*- Do you right in cursive or print?: print...my writing's pretty bad Are you a lefty, righty, or ambidextrious: lefty! oh yeah! Kaylyn - if right handed people think with the left side of their brains, only lefties are in their right minds!!!!! Do you believe in God?: yup Whats your religion?: Jewish (no snide comments, guys! hehe) What do you think of rainbows?: i think they're pretty...i like colorsness...that doesn't make me a freakin lesbian! Do you have any piercings/tattoos?: just my ears, but i want my tounge peirced and a few more in my ears. no tattoos, yet. If so, where?: see above question If not, do you want any, where?: see above question What do you think of Eminem?: ...fucking racist nazi bastard...oh, sorry...needless to say, i dont like him much Is Tupac Shakur really dead?: he still lives through his music and everyone who listens to it ('Changes' is a great song) What do you think of Britney and Justin?: i'm happy for them, i suppose. they should get married or something, though, not setting quite a perfect example, living together and such... If you could live anywhere else, where would you live?: hm, not that i'd want to move, but maybe closer to Dan Do you drive?: hmph, i wish Do you have braces or glasses?: both, UNFORTUNATELY...but my braces come off in a month or two, and i'm working on the glasses *cringes* i don't really like talking about my uglyness... Like milk and cookies?: ah, so homely. Ever worn black nail polish?: who hasn't? becuase goth is sooooo "in" now If your a guy, have you ever painted your nails?: --- Girls, what color nail polish do you have on?: gold sparklyness If you could have a 6th sense, what would it be?: i'll steal alyssa's answer....to be able to read people's minds If you have a magical power, what would it be and why would you want it?: TO BE ABLE TO PAUSE, REWIND AND FAST FORWARD TIME!! DAMN, THAT WOULD BE SO SWEET! If you could be invisible for a day what would you do?: lol run around poking people....cauz they can't see who it is!! HAHAHA!!! i'd enjoy that SO much!! i'd like poke amber in the stomach all day!! *falls off chair laughing* Do you do things even when your parents say no?: of course. otherwise, what's the fun? i wouldn't have half my fun if i wasn't so freakin rebelious What is your favorite song to "rock out" to?: "rock out"? haha! well, i like to listen to Linkin Park when i'm pissed, if that helps Ever taken anything from a hotel?: of course Did you talk to your crush/bf/gf today?: no....i never get to talk to him!! *pouts* If so, for how long?: bah, humbug! If not, why not?: cauz i'm a freaking loser and i'm afraid to call his house and i wish he would call me, i miss him a lot....=o( Do you think this is stupidly long?: not really Did you like it?: s'ok Why/Why not: meh Do you like me for this?: hehe no alyssa, i HATE YOU!! -*-*FiNiSh*-*- What time is it?: 10:04 P.M. What is the date?: December 27th 2001 Why did you just do this?: to tell you the truth, i'm not quite sure. it's not as if i have time to waste. lol but i did anyway!

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Subject: Christmas! Time: 5:54 pm. Mood: bored. Music: New Found Glory - Ex Miss.

what the hell? it must be National have a party and DONT invite sarah week, because so far i've heard about two parties thrown by two of my good friends that i haven't been invited to. first was alyssa's, which sean told me about, which was earlier this week. she has a party for practically every holiday, and i'm usually at all of them. especailly lately, when we've gotten closer because she's in my theatre arts class and she's good friends with matt. but she had a christmas party, and i wasn't invited. and kirsten! i've been talking to her again lately, mostly because of how close i'm getting with danielle and caroline, and she and danielle even told me about this new year's party she was throwing. and she still didn't invite me. i guess that's the worse one - because now i'm going to be sitting at home like a loser on new years. i dont especailly like new year's that much, mostly because most years turn out like this one is going to. and the worst part is, everyone's doing something! most of my friends are going to kirsten's, and amber will probably do something with shane. i hate spending stupid holidays with my stupid parents. argh. i wish i could do something with matt, but god knows his psychopathic mother wouldn't allow that. i'm too freaking afraid to even call and ask - she's probably try to press charges. *rolls eyes* on to better and brighter subjects. christmas was SO GREATTT!!!! i went to amber's christmas eve-afternoon. we played video games and made/ate cookies and watched movies and did EVERYTHING!! we stayed up late playing video games and then got to sleep with her electric blanket (very cool little item)! the next morning we slept till 10 and then got to look through our stockings and such. i got a stocking!! it's pretty and it had all kind of gooooood stuff in itness!! and then her dad got up and we got to open our presents!!!!!!!! she got me the new found glory shirt i've been begging for for EVER, (i have 3 new found glory shirts now! yay!) and a picture of SR71, signed by MITCH ALLEN!!!! *dies and goes to heaven* i framed it and hung it by my bed, hehe!! it's so great!! her dad got me all kinds of stuff. i made him two ornaments and bought him two ornaments and got him some candyness. he got me...a tin of necco's, sheepie slippers, christmas tree boxers, christmas socks (two pairs), sheepie pj's, a chocolate christmas tree, a chocolate m&m;'s thingy, a snowman figurene, my stocking and everything in it, and a stuffed kitty!! we played some more video games and made christmas dinner with ham and mashed potatoes (me and amber got to mash the potatoes ourselves!) and such! it tasted really really good! un-kosher ham for me! and then we went to see her grandma and her uncles and stuff and she has this really weird uncle who has a stuffed monkey and he was so funny! and her grandma was like "that's a glass table...that's definitley a glass table!" it was hilarious!!! and then we went back to her house and had pie, then we went to my house where we watched some dvd's (including the Breakfast Club, very good movie, i liked it a lot) and went to bed at 2. but we ended up staying up and talking until like 3:30, lol. we got up late the next morning and went to borders where i bought the Princess Diaries dvd, which was expensive! poopy! we went back to the house and got ready to go to the hf show and jenn came over and such and her dad picked us up and took us. we got there and the guys werent there and me and jenn got kinda worried after like 20 minutes (amber was in a guitar lesson at the time) when the band on stage announced that they had cancelled!!! turns out tom got pnumonia (they told us it was marc, but it was tom)and they couldn't perform. but they didnt call and tell us, even though they did for a bunch of other people! how rude! they know me and amber go to every single one of their shows, cauz these guys are our best friends! we left amc (jessica zerebnic was there...*shudders*) and had to cross the road and amber freaked out as usual lol and we went to alvin's store where he told us that amber's "aunt"ish person died on christmas and amber has to go to the funeral on saturday even though she doesnt' want to because the woman meant a lot to her dad. we walked to eckerds even though alvin didnt want us to and spent like 10 dollars each on food and walked around eating it. then it started getting really cold, so amber's dad came to pick us up. we went to amber's house and sat around wasting film and laughing our heads off for a few hours and then my dad came to pick me up around 11, on the way back from picking up my sister at the juliana theory concert. i went home and watched my princess diaries dvd and went to bed around 2. i got up this morning at about noon and we went straight out to take my sister's friend home and went to eckerds, then dropped my sister off at work and got some food and now i'm home. *phew* these last few days have been so fun! i think by the end amber might have been a little sick of me because i can get really annoying really fast, and we were together for like 3 days straight. i dunno, she's like the one person i can spend like 2 weeks with and not get sick of! but i drive people crazy. i hate being annoying! i really hate it. i wish i could change it. it's probably the thing i like least about myself! argh! *smacks self in the head* the rest of this week is probably going to be kind of boring. amber's leaving saturday morning and i wont get to see matt and...poo. but my mom is out of town, so everything is so peaceful around the house. we're really functioning like a family, and my dad is so much less grumpy. it's not like i dont miss my mom, i do, i love my mom, but sometimes things run so much more smoothly when she's not around. she'll be back saturday, though. ah well. my dad has to take me to the bank, beacuse i want to take some money out. this weekend or next week or something, me and amber are going to go shopping!! i want to take out like $200 and just buy some freaking clothes! i really, really need new pants. and i really really need to go to the bank!!! i dont really feel like typing anymore. i'm slowly getting used to being nick-less. but then again, i havent gotten to the hard part yet, i haven't even had to see him. i really really feel like doing some katie-bashing tonight, but not in here. these things are too public. thats what amber's for =o) more later!

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Time: 12:29 am. Mood: tired. Music: The Princess Diaries.

i was going to start at entry about today, but my sister is kicking me off. so...more wonderful details later. i know you're dying to hear them.

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Subject: My new Green Sweater Time: 10:18 pm. Mood: indescribable. Music: Volcano.

sheesh, i feel like i haven't updated in forever. even though nothing interesting has happened. ah well. i gave nick his note on thursday. i know he read it because he looked really sad during 1st period friday. i hadn't gotten him a gift this year for christmas, i just gave him the note. i didnt get him anything because, to tell the truth, i dont know him anymore. i didnt know what to get him. i dont know what he likes or what he's into or anything. so i just gave him a card the the note thing, which i changed a little bit before giving it to him. i guess i made it a little less pathetic, lol. i tried. so i was in first period friday (we were having a merry christmas/goodbye andy party) and he called me out into the hall. i dunno, i figured he had some mean comment or snide remark about my note, about me pouring my heart out to him one last time. but we went into the instrument storage room, and he pulled out a shoebox and gave me a hug. he said "i didnt know how to wrap it, so i just put it in a box." and he pulls out this shoebox and hands it to me. he told me to open it so i did....and it was his green sweater. blah, that might not have the same affect on anyone that reads this as it does on me, lol. **breif history of the green sweater - his mom gave him this fuzzy green Abercrombie sweater last year right before christmas, and he used to wear it because i loved it so much. he wore it when i went to his house to decorate his christmas tree, and the first day he held my hand in the hall, and the first time we slow danced. he also wore it the night he decided that he just wanted to be friends. after that night, he never wore it again, but he knew how much i loved it. last year, he asked me jokingly what i wanted for christmas this year, and i automatically answered "your green sweater!" and he remembered. so this sweater means a lot.** i saw it and i gave him a huge hug and he left the room to go back and talk to katie. i cried for a little bit, then went back to the "party". this is NOT what i needed. i wanted closure, i wanted to be done with this, with him, to make myself feel better. instead, i got my heart ripped open again. how many times can this happen? how many times will i let him do this to me? i openly fell in love with him, and told him how i felt, and he completley broke my heart. and every time i think it heals, he does it again. so he has the letter, he read it. i guess the reason i was having doubts about giving it to him it becuase once he has it, i can't take it back. it means that he's not my best friend anymore, and he never will be again. i can't make things better now. god, i cant believe our friendship is over. i guess what scares me the most, is that i can't remember who i am without him. he's been such a big part of my life for so long, and i can't imagine myself without him with me. i'm scared to not be a part of "sarah and nick" anymore. i feel like i'm completley starting over. i can't write anymore tonight

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Subject: Caleb, Saturday night, Nick, and more. Time: 4:22 pm. Mood: depressed. Music: Lifehouse - Hanging By a Moment.

before i begin, i want to warn you all that this is gonna be one big-ass entry. i have so many emotions running around in my head, and i want to go through all of them one by one. plus, i want to put the letter i wrote to nick in here, which is freakin huge. so, yeah. prepare yourself. i suppose i'll start with today, and work my way backwards, for a change? this morning i woke up too early because i wanted to take a shower in the morning to curl my hair (i had showered and straightened the night before, but it looked poopy so i changed my mind) but my mom went into some thing about how SHE wanted the shower and how SHE was more important so i had to pull my nasty looking hair up. blah. i got some new shirts yesterday and i was wearing one of them today, a pink turtleneck, and surprisingly enough, i got a lot of compliments on it. (except for the nipple thing....lol amber) i got there early this morning, but i still didn't see matt beause i went with amber to her locker, instead. the rest of the day was pretty uneventful, but i was pretty sad becuase of the whole nick thing...blah. so my day was pretty shitty but then i got home and i called amber and she managed to cheer me up in about 20 seconds. *laughs*, it's amazling, truly it is! yesterday, after spending the night at amber's saturday night, i went to religous school and....mikey wasn't there!!! argh!!! so i hung out with adam. he's getting me this baby-g watch where people snowboard...lol...long story. he's SUCH a cool kid. on the way home from religous school we went to Fashion Bug, which is where i got my shirts, and jenn came over to work on the whole decorate the school for chanukkah, kwanza, and ramadan thing we were put in charge of/stuck with. once she left we did chanukkah for the last time until next year. i got a bunch of stuff last night, including my perfume and a camera! score! *dances* saturday night was pretty much a bomb, party-wise. it was okay at first, becuase it was just our normal crowd plus a few. but then the cheerleaders showed up, and some obnoxious guys, and all i wanted was to get out of there. me and amber were pretty bored for awhile, then caleb showed up, in a horrible state, and we attached ourselves to him (literally, she took one arm, i took the other) for the rest of the night, trying to make him feel better. he's in such bad shape. we just kind of stood in the corner for like 45 mintues, then we sat on the floor, me and amber at his side the whole time. he was sad about kirsten, and i was upset having to watch katie and nick with each other, so i supose you could say we comforted each other. after awhile the party got overly loud and obnoxious, so the three of us went for a walk. somehow we ended up at kirsten's, which wasn't too far from roy's, but the first time we just walked past it. but on the way back, he somehow steered us onto her driveway and started up the walk. he just stood halfway up the walk, trying to decide whether he wanted to ring the doorbell or not. we knew she wasn't home (she was at another party), but he wasn't sure whether he wanted to do it anyway or not. after about ten minutes, amber and i left to stand on the street, and i was kind of hoping caleb would follow. but he stayed on the walk, for about another 20 minutes. he cried, too. he didn't really hide it, either, which was very un-caleb-like. god, standing and watching him like that was one the hardest things i'd ever done. i just wanted to run up to him and hug him and tell him everything would be okay, but i can't promise him anything. that's what so bad about all of this - i can see how much he's hurting and how much pain he's in but i can't help him!! there's nothing i can do!!! all i can do is be with him while he suffers. there are certain people i can't stand to see in pain (amber, nick, dan, caleb, danielle sometimes, caroline sometimes, alan) because they're such good people. and caleb is definitley one of them. god, i love that kid, and seeing him hurting that much just makes me want to throw myself over a cliff. after he was finished at kirsten's, we walked back to the party. i've never heard caleb open up as much as he did saturday night. he admitted so much, and told us about so much, it was amazing. he just told us about everything, his family, kirsten, his friends, his life. and he admitted that he loved us! and said thank you and everything for us being there for him. my poor calebface...i just want him to feel better. last night i was talking to my mom about me and nick's friendship, and we decided what i should do. i wrote him a letter - it's pretty damn long, i hope it fits - and i'll copy/paste it in here. (it begins with a story from "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul 3") Dear Travis, What?s happened to us? I used to feel so close to you, but now it?s as if there are miles between us. I have always believed that friends come before everything else?girlfriends and boyfriends?everything. I guess I was wrong. Thanks for the push back to reality. I am sorry that we have had a falling out, but I want you to know that I will still be here when (and if) you need me. I will miss you. Melissa No ?love you,? no ?yours sincerely??as I noticed how plain my name looked on the paper all by itself, Travis walked into the hallway where I stood waiting by his locker. I glanced around quickly, looking for a way to escape, but before I could leave without being seen, I heard his all-too-familiar ?Hey? as he spotted me. I put my head down as he approached, hoping that he wouldn?t see the pain in my eyes. I handed over the letter, which he took with a small smile. ?Thanks, Melissa.? ?Can you call me tonight?? I replied, ?After you read the letter?? My voice was shaking, and my words were unsure, but if he noticed, he didn?t let on. I gave him a quick hug and left the hall, though turning from him was one of the hardest things I?d ever done. An hour later, as I talked with my friend Caitlin on the phone, I explained that I couldn?t believe what I had actually given to him. What was he going to think? ?He?s your friend, Melissa. It?s going to be okay,? Caitlin reassured me. As I listened to her words, I thought of just how important a friend he was. I had always found it easier to confide in guys, because somehow they seem to judge you a little less, while understanding you a little more. That was definitely what I had with Travis. He could understand me when the rest of the world couldn?t. He trusted me, let me grow and listened to what I had to say without judgement ? whether it was something he wanted to hear or not. When I had realized that Travis had a thing for my other best friend Janette, I never thought that his asking her out would affect as many things as it did. Suddenly, it was as if he and I had no chance to talk on the phone or write letters, no freedom to hug or be ourselves. Suddenly Janette, whom I had known since the second grade, didn?t trust me enough to be with her new boyfriend. She felt jealous?but she didn?t realize that I, too, had my own feelings of jealousy. I was jealous of the time she got to spend with Travis, and resentful of the time I could not. The click of call waiting brought my thoughts back to the present, and I answered the other line knowing that it was Travis. ?Hey, so um?yeah, that was the saddest letter I have ever read,? he began. ?I never know you felt that way.? ?Yeah, well, you weren?t exactly around to ask, either,? I replied harshly. ?Yeah, Melissa, I know, I know?I am sorry that we haven?t had much time together, but all I can say is that it will get better. I mean, it can?t get any worse. But we can beat this ? you and I will always be friends.? ?Trav, everybody says that, but you and I both know that it is not going to happen.? My voice trembled and tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. ?It?s different with us, remember? Nothing can tear us apart. We will be friends forever.? I hung up the phone that night feeling a little bit better, yet at the same time, wondering if the promise would last. Time went on, and nothing seemed to change. We seemed to grow farther and farther apart, and the thought that we would ever be friends again slowly faded. We talked once in a while, usually a polite ?hi? in the hallway, but our ?friendship,? as it was, was making me crazy. The night before winter break, I made the decision to bring closure to the situation. I put everything that reminded me of Travis into a box, and put the box in my closet. There was one thing I could not put away: a stuffed lobster named Allen that I had won on a trip to Las Vegas. It was a trip I had spent with Travis. I knew what I had to do. I saw him at school the next day, and handed him the stuffed animal. ?What?s this?? he asked. ?Allen ? you do remember him, don?t you?? ?Yeah, but?? he started to say. ?It?s so he can be with you?while I can?t.? My last few words trickled out, and big tears started rolling down my face as I realized this was the last time I could call him a friend. Travis looked at me, motionless and silent, as if only realizing then that we had grown apart, too far beyond repair. ?Are you sure you want to do this?? he asked me. I nodded my head as more tears streamed down my face. He pulled me into his arms, Allen and all. It was one of those hugs that reassures you that everything will be all right. And now, I do not regret what happened between us. It was an experience that will make me stronger and help me grow. I had never paid attention to the saying about how boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go, while your friends will last forever. But now, I see it as the most important advice I had ever been given. One day, I know it will be better. Sometimes I see him with Janette, and before he passes, he always gives me that famous smile? Nick, As I saw this story, I couldn?t help but think of you. You, and our friendship. Over the past years, you know how close we?ve gotten. We?ve had our tough times, but we always seemed to make it through. I know you noticed the rocky times we started having last year and this summer. I think after a little while, you stopped caring. I?m not saying that you didn?t want to keep the friendship going ? but at times it must have seemed like it wasn?t worth the effort. I know you might not, but I still consider you my best friend. There are times when you say you do ? like my year book last year, or when we?re making up from fights, or when I confided in you about my sister this summer. When I hear those words everything seems all right again. But then I see you in the halls and you don?t bother to wave, or I see you somewhere with Katie, acting just like we used to. Affectionate and caring. Friends. And I realize that it?s too late for that for us. I don?t know whether it was me, you, or the both of us; but what we had is gone. Reading that story made me realize that. I began this letter and this idea with full intentions of finishing it. I was totally prepared to take my Nick box and stuff it in the back of my closet, never to be looked at again until I began packing for college, finding it in a pile of clothes and old memories. I was fully ready to wrap up Nico, the kitten you gave to me last year for Valentines Day, and deliver him to you with this envelope. But as I went up into my room and went through the box, running my hands over the well worn, supremely loved objects, I realized that I could never part with any of them. The truth is that your things, and our things, they mean the world to me. Each one of them carries a wonderful story that will always stay in my heart. Not only do your things mean the world to me, Nick, but you do. You know how crazy I am about you. And I?m not talking about ?crushes? or ?first loves?. I?m talking best friends. You were the one person that I always felt I could turn to with anything, and you knew me better than anyone, inside and out. You were the one person I would trust with anything and everything. And the one that I always wanted to impress ? I always wanted you to like me, no matter what. But I never needed to?you loved me, for me. We were the perfect pair ? our odd senses of humor and sweet dispositions fit us together like a couple of puzzle pieces. And it stayed that way for awhile. But it?s a common known fact that girl/boy friendships reach a turning point when they get to High School ? and we turned in opposite directions. We still keep common friends, and we?re friendly and warm towards each other. You still call every once in awhile, and I?m thrilled when you do. But the substance is gone. Everything we had faded away. I don?t know how it happened, because I?ve fought for this friendship more than anything else, because I wanted it so badly. I care about you so much, and I did not want to lose you. But now I can see that holding on to this is just going to cause me more pain. It took me this long to finally come even with the fact that our friendship is damaged beyond repair. I suppose it was stretched too far in opposite directions. This is the last thing I want to do ? the last thing I ever wanted to, or imagined doing ? but I know it has to be done. Like Melissa, our ?friendship? in this state is making me crazy. I need to do something, and there?s nothing else I can do. You have no idea how hard this is for me. You are one of the people, if not the person, that I love and cherish most in this world. Our unique friendship has taught me so much, and I have no regrets when it comes to things we?ve done, or hopes I had for the future. To take Melissa?s words; ?I want you to know that I will still be here when (and if) you need me. I will miss you.? Merry Christmas, Nick. and that's it. i dont know whether i'm going to give it to him or not...i dont konw if i CAN. i have lots more to write but i'm so drained, and i just want to go sleep or soemting. i'm tired of crying over little things. i want everything to be over. i want everything to be like it used to be. i want nick to care about me again....

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Subject: Relationships suck. Time: 1:05 pm. Mood: lonely. Music: New Found Glory - Eyesore (accoustic).

yeah so last night was the stupid jew party. it sucked, but i dont really feel like talking about that. amber called last night and i talked to her for like 10 minutes then shane called her and she said she'd call me back. she never did but then she called this morning and it was because they were on for like 4 hours, until 11. when she said she had to go he told her he loved her. arhg, why does everyone seem to have the perfect relationship? like alan and danielle. they're totally and completley head-over-heels in love with each other. they've only been together for like a month and they're like planning out their life. and amber and shane, who like each other so much that he can't keep his freaking hands off her, and goes out of his way between every class and every day to see her as much as he can. don't get me wrong, i'm really really happy for both of them, but what am i supposed to do when they talk about how much they love their boyfriends and how their lives are so perfect? i don't even BELIEVE in true love anymore. i dont know if it's a bad thing or not, but i dont think i love matt. sometimes i think the relationship is pointless - beacuse i never get to see him, or talk to him. he doesnt even seem like the kind of kid who could get very serious. and i still notice his faults, which is something no one else seems to do. but is it so bad that i dont want to...spend the rest of my life with him? i guess i kind of want something fun, not "plan-out-your-life-because-we're-going-to-be-together-forever" kind of relationship. sometimes i dont even like him as much as i think i do - it's so weird. is it that bad for me to have fluctuating emotions like this? it's just that everyone else seems so sure of their feelings. it's not that i dont like him, because i really do. but he still drives me crazy sometimes, and we still fight sometimes, and sometimes i dont WANT to think about whether we'll still be dating next year or whatever. i want to konw why it is that i still feel lonely when i see amber and shane together in the halls. or why i still feel a pang of jealousy when danielle talks about how she and alan love each other so much. i really dont get it. it's annoying that i can never be happy with what i have. everything always seems to be not good enough. my mom tells me that when amber's over, she talks a lot about what she has that i dont. i dont even notice it - but maybe that's one of the things that makes me so unhappy with what i have, because i constantly hear other people raving about things i want and will never have. like, i doubt i'll ever have a relationship like danielle and alan's. or even amber and shane's. but i want one. i like the way shane gives up everything to see amber, and how he's always got his arm around her or something like that. and i like the way alan is so sweet to danielle and would give anything for her. everything else kind of seems so perfect. but the part that drives me crazy the most is that there's nothing wrong with what i have! i just can't realize that. ARGH!! I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!! kirsten broke up with caleb yesterday. he's falling to peices over it. they've been together since last may. man. i'm seriously afraid of that. *shudders* well, i hope caleb will be okay. gotta go, i have dance in like a half an hour and i'm not ready. roy's party is tonight, i'll write about it later.

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Subject: Happy Chaunkkahness! Time: 6:27 pm. Mood: content. Music: Staind - Fade.

blargh, i feel so bad for tj. to explain, tj is an ex-boyfriendy person that was always kind of messed up...in the head, not physically or anything, he's a really complex person. he's interesting and such, i suppose, but very strange. and he's always really unhappy. anywhoo last year we got together or whatever and he seemed ok but then we broke up and he went back into his little state of depression. then this year he fell (hard) for amber, even though she was dating shane, his best friend. yeah, at the same time. so he went into his little thing of trying to break them up and saying "if not for shane you would be mine..." until he started saying things like he was going to kill shane and that he loved her and stuff, then it started getting creepy and so she told shane, who didn't speak to tj for like a month and a half. it's pretty much 3 months later and amber and shane are still dating, and i think tj is still a little bit bitter about it, even though he was forced to let it go becuase he was losing all of his friends over it. he's always liked nikki, too, who shamelessly taunted him into thinking she liked him, which made him so happy, until he realized, "hey wait, this is nikki. of COURSE she doesn't like me." which isn't really true, she likes everything that moves. anyway, enough nikki bashing, moving on. so he's really really depressed now and we dont talk at all anymore (we got in a fight about him not trusting me or soemthing a long time ago and we never really made up) and i feel bad. OH YAY! i just im'd him, I'M being the bigger person here *bows* and being his friend again. go me. well, if he decides to answer....lol. today was ok. it was kind of a hard nick day. i kept thinking about last year for some reason and how happy i was with him and stuff. i'm not sure why. every once in awhile my mind wanders, and i start to think about it. i try not to becuase it makes me so sad. i dunno, it's not only the relationship thing it's how close of friends we were, too. i really feel like i'm losing that friendship, and i dont want to. **YAY!! matt just calledededed meness!!!!! hehe =o) lol we didnt' talk about anything really he just called cauz sean was over and wanted to tell me something but still! yay! and he's calling back later to help me with my math homework...argh, more about that later** back to nick, he was my best friend for a really long time. me, mandy, dan and sheu were inseperable. then mandy and dan broke up (lol this was a 4th/5th grade relationship) and mandy kind of drifted out of the group. i guess after awhile nick replaced sheu, and it was me dan and nick all the time. dan and i stuck together and last year me and nick did EVERYTHING together, but then, this summer, dan moved and i had a horrible time with it. almost went crazy. and now i'm losing nick. BLAH!!!!!! chanukkah has been great this year! the first night i got a fuzzy white sweater, a carebears shirt, a new found glory shirt, a cmu shirt, and an urban decay eyeshadow. the next night, i got a venus razor (score! those things rock). the next night, i got a book, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul 3. those books are really good...i like the stories. last night i got this cool body lotiony stuffness, it smells gooooood. yay for me. jessica zerebnic is talking to me now, and i was telling her about this (not the adress, just how i write and stuff) and she was saying how if i dont write feelings, it's not a journal, it's just a day planner. i know this is boring, but it makes me feel better to write all this crap down. ah well. if you think it's boring, no one is forcing you to read it. about the math thing. i've really been struggling in math lately. i'm in the "normal" class (not sped classes, not smart classes) and i'm having a really tough time. i just dont understand. our teacher doesnt teach very well, and she won't answer my questions. she keeps suggesting i get a tutor, but i dont really want to...today i got a test back and i got a 4 out of 22, so yeah, i realized it was time for me to get some help. so matt's being my tutorness!! he was in the smart class but something went wrong with his schedule and they put him in my level classes, and he's really freakin smart so he's acing the class, and he's going to tutor me! yay! quality time, oh yeah! speaking of matt, i decided about that matt and mikey thing. matt. a lot of people think i'm dumb for doing it but i just like him so much. i dont know why...lol...but i do. i hope this doesn't change when i see mikey on sunday, cauz he's freaking goregous! damn it! *sigh*, stupid little teenage problems! again about talking to jessica. to tell the truth, i owe my happiness right now to her. yeah, i know that sounds weird, but it's true. she and amber were best friends and amber and i started hanging out last year, and when we did they had all these fights and crap...and she and amber got in a huge fight and haven't really spoken since. if that wouldn't have happened i dont think i would have really been this close to amber right now, and i can't even imagine that. so in a way, jessica's responsible for, like, my best friend ever. huh. weird to think about. my fingers really hurt from typing. i need to type some more stuff....a lot more stuff, acutally...but i'm too tired, it's almost time for chanukkah, and i need to start my civics paper. more later.

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Subject: "Look, it's Action News 4!" "PIDGEON!!!!!!! PIDGEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Adam Time: 1:21 pm. Mood: crazy. Music: Saves the Day - At Your Funeral.

Woah, new news for today?surprising. Here, I?ll explain ? There?s a kid in my religious school class, Mikey. I?ve liked him since the first time I saw him, at the beginning of this year. He?s tall and lean, well, taller than me anyway. He always smells good and constantly wears those soft, dark-colored Abercrombie and Fitch sweaters I?m ashamed to say I love so much. He?s got short brown hair, always sticking up, and bright green eyes. I?m always making fun of his big-ish nose?a Jewish nose, as my mom says. He laughs like a girl, which is another thing I tease him constantly about, and flirts non-stop. Like all other guys our age, he?s a perv, but he?s so adorable, you learn to forgive him for it. I rave to Amber, Danielle and Caroline about him all the time ? we?ve come to think of him as my ?hott jew?, and just a few weeks ago I managed to bring in a picture where they agreed that he was gorgeous. I look forward to seeing him every week and in all honesty, he?s the reason I like going to religious school, lol. So we spent the class together like we always do and junk and I was getting ready to leave when this other kid who?s in our class, Adam, comes up to me and says, ?so, are you going to go out with Mikey?? and I was like WHAT?!?! Randomness?.and he was like ?well you guys flirt all the time and he likes you, so?? and then I died. Haha I did! I was freaking out. He askededed me outness!!!!!! I didn?t answer I just ran away. So yeah I was thinking how great this was when?BOOM!! I realized. Wait a second. I have a boyfriend. Sometimes he can be painstakingly annoying and overprotected, but still, I like him. A lot. Not to mention the fact that we?re starring in a play together. So now I?m stuck thinking about it *shudders* that sucks. Why is it that as soon as I?ve found someone I really like and want to be with, someone else intervenes? Blah, Matt and I have all this history that I?ve been too lazy to type in here?we went out in 7th grade for like 3 months and I really liked him, I cant really remember why we broke up?and I?ve kind of liked him since?.but it?s totally different with Mikey, he?s really cool, and he?s freaking gorgeous and?AAHHH!!! This is poopy. But there?s one thing that I gotta say for Matt ? I only get to see Mikey once a week. That would suck. But then again, I never get to see Matt outside of school, either!! Argh!! Timing sucks, man. This afternoon we have to go see my sister at college because it?s her birthday. We?ll go out for lunch and pretend we like each other for a few hours. Then we?ll drop her off back at her dorm at CMU and drive home, probably around sun down, because tonight?s the first night of Chanukkah. Score! Chanukkahness!! I love Chanukkah. It?s such a great holiday. So much fun. And because I?m spending the night at Amber?s on Christmas, she?s coming over here for a night or two of Chanukkah. This is gonna be soooooo great. Whoo hooo!!!! *dances* mmmm?I snuck in my parent?s room this morning and sprayed on my dad?s cologne?it smells SOOO good?same stuff Matt wears, I think, smells like heaven. I love it. Can?t stop smelling myself, tee hee. People are beginning to think I?m strange! i got this new red sweater the other week, and i've worn it twice. everyone loves it, i've gotten soooo many compliments...feels weird. not used to compliments. Well, I?m out. We?re about to go. More updates later. Matt or Mikey?!?!?!? *About the title...we were outside on a break this morning at relgious school and there were these guys roaming around with a camera for Action News 4 and adam decided that he wanted to be on tv. so we were trying to get their attention (we're not allowed to leave the porch of the temple during breaks - i dont think we're even allowed to be outside) and i was like Adam, yell something! and all of a sudden he whirls around and goes...."PIDGEON!!!!!!!!!!! PIDGEEEEEOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!!" and the guy with the camera turned around, and Adam started doing this funky dance and he was like "pidgeon, oh yeah, pidgeon! whoo hoo!" oh my god, it was so funny. i was collapsing. adam is my hero. i love that kid!*

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