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Scratching Post - Unforgiving Love |
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Dude. what a piss off. I could have been an early adopter. I WOULD HAVE BEEN AN EARLY ADOPTERRR! But I changed my LJ account name. Grr.
But, I did feel like going to read my OLD lj.
It was exactly a year ago when I was writing the things I have written in there. Rofl. Last year, around this time. This is what I wrote yesterday last year. hah.
Saturday, February 10th, 2001 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12:57 pm - Humm Well, i have given up. I hate to admit it but i have given up on that one person that means the world to me. I know, i know, i'm not one to giv eup and never have been, but i can't take it anymore. It is affecting me in a horrible way. horrible awful icky yucky. grrr. i can't take it anymore because it makes me so depressed and every time i see their face, i just die inside, knowing all this stuff, and all this other shit. I know, i'm not going into specifics. i dont' feel like it. It's a general statement. Just the fact that i am constantly depressed by the person that makes me happy. Doesn't make sense eh? Well its screwed up. That's why i'm in such a fucking rut. They make me depressed, and hurt me, over, and over. And yet, when i see them, it makes me estatic. grr. i just cant win. so i am going to give up my happiness. i know, i should savour all of my happiness, since i hardly ever am happy, and the REASON i have been happy fer these past few months was this person, but i dont need any added depression. So i will probably go through a phase of *pure* depression but i think it might get better after this. I hope. If it doens't i'm digging a hole into the ground and i know things with this person will never be the same so its kind of a lose-lose situation for a while, but then it might be win-lose. No matter what i do there will always mbe many many bad things that happen, but i might as well risk it all. why not?
current mood: depressed current music: Crazy - K-Ci and Jo-Jo
It's interesting to see now, a year (and a day) later.. how true that was. And how it still is kind of effecting me.
Oh well.
And.. you know how many times I "gave up" on that person.. and then my faith was restored my faith again..? i cant count. Over and Over and Over. And I always will.
I wish I coulda just ended it then.. but I would have lost an amazing relationship. Gotta take the bad with the good.
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