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Tuesday, April 24th, 2001
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8:22 am - BURRRRRRRRRRR!
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Could it get any colder?! For god sakes it's the end of APRIL!!! And that penis breath of a weather man didn't predict this crap! I start my weird hours at work today YaY! And I am so tired! Tired! tired! TIRED! I really need to get dressed but I still sit here like a zombie. I got all pissy with my alarm this morning. Flipped it off even. I hope it doesn't get mad and decide not to wake me up tomorrow. That would suck.
Last night, at work, I talked to this guy who stuttered. And I got to thinking.... I imagined him struggling to say something,
Stuttering Stanley: "Tttttttt take Mmmmmm me ooooooo of youuuurrrr lllll list!"
Me: "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"
Stan: ::blows his head off after years of frustration::
Heh, I know, I'm wrong. Well, time to jump in to my fancy pants and dance my way to the workey place. TTFN!
current mood:  cold
current music: Lady Marmalade
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| Monday, April 23rd, 2001
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4:17 pm - Much, Much better.
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Ok, I managed to gain some more energy and a Whopper teehee. My shirt smells weird. I don't know why. Maybe it's from sharing the washer with the smelly Bosnians in the building. It smells like um... a three day old wash rag. EW! Changing! I talked to my boss today about my promotion (oh yeah, got promoted durring all of the divorce shit) What they want me to do (If I choose to) is work 9am-2pm doing my new position, which is working directly with the dealers (sales men) handing out equipment and answering the phones this will be a couple days a week. And then 5pm-9pm still doing my phone room duties. This means mega more money and I get to keep my raise for all of the hours that I work. YAY! Well, off to work!
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Green Day- Dookie
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2:20 pm - Gooey frozen thingys
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Home now, but just for a bit then off to work. I'm actually debating a nap. But if I'm gonna take one I'd better do it quick. I'm so lazy today. Being lazy does nothing for ya when you're starving. So I spent a good five minutes in front of the fridge digging for some major grindage. Pizza breadsticks take 2 min in the microwave god. SOLD! to the man in the yellow hat (or me with the ponytail) It about KILLED me to stand there for the 2 min. They were decent, and gooey. I need some damn energy! Maybe I'll hit the gym before work. Yeah, the gym! Oh! and I want a snickers bar! Yummy! Mmmmm Snickers. Ok, I'm off to the gym!
current mood:  lazy
current music: Geto Boyz- Damn it feels good to be a gangster
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8:10 am - So begins another page in her life......
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Well, here I am! Open Diary has let me down too many times and I'm sick of it. So I'm "Movin on up, to the east side, to a brand new journal on lineeeeeeee oh oh movin on up! do do do do." Ok, I'm done.
I've got a huge entry that I typed up about my parents. I might just post it here. *sigh* I really don't have much to write about at the moment. I'm sitting here with a towel on my head, wondering if I'm gonna be late. Knowing that I probably will be. I got mad sleep last night and I feel much better. But still I run late. I guess that's it for now, I'm going to post some of my favorite entries from OD tonight. Heh, I can let go of something but not completely.....
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: Theme From The Jefferson's
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| Friday, February 23rd, 2001
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4:24 am - Not so perfect after all....
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(NOTE: I'm not sure if this makes any sense, I just let it fly this time. I'm too tired to read it again, but I will spell check it for ya ::wink:: I do feel better after writing this, and maybe now I can go to sleep.)
There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, I feel like my mind is going to implode on to my computer screen. I have this poetic mass swimming around in my head. So many words. I can't type fast enough, and if I try it doesn't make sense. Maybe just a list will do....
Selfish
Tears
Pride
Dismissal
thisisnotworking
anger
anger
anger
loss
fear
Ok, so that was a bad idea. Those weren't even the words that are there. Actually, I don't think that they are words, but phrases.
"Words once whispered from sweet young lips have soured in the darkness of the night. Without warning, they have slipped past the blind eyes of the sheltered child. The world, as she knows it, does not exist. Nothing, is ever, what it seems to be."
See what I mean? It is all there, yet it's not expressed quite right. I am in pain. The kind that is emotional, but it feels physical. An ulcer with a hint of a brain tumor? which causes me to be nauseous and at the same time have this blinding headache. And during this whole pity party that I am throwing for myself (you're all invited) I am also feeling like a piece of shit, slash, selfish brat. So wrapped up in my emotions that I haven't even stated what is plaguing my mind.
My parents, the ones responsible for me having *any* faith in the act of being "in love", are getting divorced. Slap in the face eh? Well, it stung a hell of a lot worse in this neck of the woods. One day they are a happy couple, married for 36 years, and so much "in love", and the next day they are gathering all of their children up, bribing them with a meal, and ripping their cozy little world right out from under them. I'm not going to go into the whole story here because I have told it way more times than I wanted to in the past 24 hours or so. But basically, neither one of them are happy. They are "friends", and they "love" each other but aren't "in love". And that's it. There weren't any bitter words or pointing of fingers they are just quitting. Needless to say, there was a HUGE ass scene when they broke the news. I'm not going to relive that either. And I have bottled up everything because everyone is worried about me and how I'm taking it. That kills me because this isn't about me! My mother was crying, I asked her why she was crying. She said, "I'm so sorry for doing this to you." Don't be sorry for me, be sorry to god for breaking your word. Be sorry for the past 36+ years down the tube. Be sorry to my each other for giving up so easily. Be sorry for not being satisfied with the wonderful life that you have shared. For Christ sakes, don't be sorry for ME! I wanted her to be crying because she loves my dad. I wanted them to both laugh and say, "APRIL FOOLS!" I wanted to wake up. I wanted to run away from home. All of these childish feelings came rushing in with the tears. For a while I refused to open my eyes to the situation. In a very short span of time I thought about all of the things that would now be different. Sunday breakfast, holidays, camping trips, road trips, my wedding, the birth of my children, and anytime that I needed them both. I imagined a time when something special happened to me, telling one, then the other. I thought of them being with other people in romantic ways. I was so angry. I felt that I had been tricked into feeling that true love really does exist. So far, every example that I have witnessed has crashed and burned before my eyes. But not my mom and dad, they had stuck together through everything. They were as much in love as the first day they said those magical words to each other. I asked my dad if true love existed, all he could do was look at me with tears in his eyes. I guess he doesn't know either. And I couldn't even look at my mother, I can't stand to see her cry. She turned to me and asked, "Do you hate us for this?"
That one single question snapped me back into reality. I think that in that instant I did a lot of growing as a person. I started questioning myself. Don't the two people who have worked their whole lives to make me happy, deserve to be happy? Am I losing my parents? Is it my place to be angry about this? I also realized how much pain my reaction was causing the both of them. This can't be an easy thing. It can't be an easy decision. I was so wrapped up in what this meant for me that I neglected to take a step back look at the whole picture. Even then, these thoughts were unclear. I am very rational right now and I can honestly say that, I understand. I understand that they are not happy. I understand that they are not in love. I understand that this has nothing to do with me or my brothers. I understand that this is something that the two of them have decided. And I'll be damned if I'm going to hurt them by not being supportive. I was able to tell them that, well, in some form. This doesn't mean that I can't be sad. I'm torn in two right now. But I'll get over it. It's not like I'm six and my daddy is moving away. There won't be a big custody battle or anything (well, maybe over the dog) What it boils down to is:
My mom is still her quirky self, one who hates swearing and loves to make fresh cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Someone who tends to forget that not everyone gets up at 6am before she dials a phone number. She will still be there to roll her eyes and shrug her shoulders when I do something silly just for a reaction. She is still my mom.
My dad is still the silly man with the sporadic gray patches of hair and the random dirty jokes. And although he may not have to say, "don't tell your mother I ate that for lunch." He'll still be there to listen to something that I write or give me advice on a painting.
They are still my Mom and Dad, they just are no longer Rosie and Dan.
current mood:  sad
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