Fallen Girl's LiveJournal

Subject:	check me out, i am cool like peter. and i love filling these out at every opportunity.
Time:	10:33 pm.

Fad you wish you had never bought into: into which i wish i had never bought??? platform shoes. i nearly sprained my ankle so many times in middle school.

City you would next like to live in: in which i would next like to live??? wherever peter is, but if it were my choice it would be sf or ny.

Food you used to love and now can't stand: hehe, pork fat

Childhood idol: the people in the grade above me.

Biggest leap of faith: interlochen!

Worst job: that one could have? telling someone the love of their life has just died.

Least favorite drug: um...i have no idea. i'd have to say cigarettes. those=nasty.

Least favorite slang word: gay/fag. i've even heard jew.

Guilty pleasure tv show: infomercials.

Favorite song in eighth grade: the offspring - pretty fly for a white guy (ha! it was the only one to which i knew the words)

CD or tape you are most ashamed of: of which i am most ashamed??? i don't have one.

Favorite screen couple: Harold and Maude

Most hated celebrity: julia roberts.

First crush: jake robinson...and to this day i think he is swoonably hot.

Favorite Halloween costume: this years, though i don't know how to describe it...eclectic.

First concert: i have no idea. i've seen many classical and jazz concerts, but i suppose pop disaster was rather my first.

Ever seen a ghost?: well, it's the craziest thing, because i don't believe in them, but yes. i think. what else could it have been?

First friend: linda, my cat. or kristen keller.

Favorite Simpsons character: sideshow bob

Re-occurring dreams: the between sleep and awake one where i trip and fall and it wakes me up really quick...hehe

Favorite playground equipment: swings or slide

Number of first cousins: two. they're both about 20 years older than me too.

Name of freshman year dorm: my house.

Summer camp: donner mine...ah, mercury dust...toxic camp...don't eat the dirt!

Comments: 2 broken spokes - beware of this and that.

Subject:	im tired (so tired)
Time:	10:28 pm.
Mood:	changeable.

my fucking poetry again. may you all choke on it.

im angry at being misunderstood
you take all my intentions for lies
im fucking angry that I cannot be myself
because I don't even know who I am

stop your crying
stop your whining
please grow up and see that I am just me?
trying to save myself from calamity
dying to keep my sanity

my fingernails dig deep into my palms
as I struggle to find words
that are foreign to me
pulling shit out of the air,
hoping it works
trying to appease you

please, stop your crying
rub your eyes and see
that I am just me
dying to keep what's left of my sanity

I try to find some solace
so that you think I am ok
so that you think I am happy
I tell you the lies you want to hear
because you can't handle my fear
of annihilating myself

stop your crying
can't you grow up and see?
im trying to find me
trying to keep my sanity

I am so fucking crazy (crazy)
I can't feel in the dark for something
I don't know
so shut your mouth and deal with me
just let me be

take my intentions for what they are
as I get into the fucking car
can't you fucking see?
stop your crying stop your whining
or this is all I'll ever be

Comments: 3 broken spokes - beware of this and that.

Subject:	to be happy for one moment...
Time:	7:33 pm.
Music:	weezer!!!.

read the end of that last journal entry...i started sobbing then. i got a suicidal-feeling attack. i knew i wasn't safe, that i would make a mistake if i stayed here. thank god i had my mags...thank you for letting me sit in the barn with you for an hour and a half in the middle of the night with your goats, maggie. i love you so much. afterwards, i wasn't even close to tired, so i just drove and ended up at georgetown elementary school, swinging and looking at the red light on the tower up the hill. i walked around for a while, then drove to the airport, where i listened to my whistle echo and the noise of the light spinning around and around. laid on the runway for a while, looking at lights blink. i finally got home at 3, where i discovered my mom, who had cleaned my room and insisted in touching me and talking to me...i was not in the mood. i told her i was going to sleep so she'd leave me alone. three hours of sleep. i rather think i'm having a nervous breakdown...things only got better later when i went to zacks after school. we sat in my car and listened to music while he drank his beer. i had a couple sips...im a strange one, i like the taste of beer. then we went down to the store to see if we could get hooked up with some vodka, but the cops were there so we were just driving where we came across holly walking, so we took her home. then i went home, ate dinner. i'm ok...stable for now. *sigh*

"i can't say that you love me so i cry and i'm hurting every time, that i call you you find some way to ditch me so i learn to turn and look the other way so i learn to turn and look the other way"

Comments: 1 broken spoke - beware of this and that.

Subject:	you think i'm a freak...this is beginning to hurt
Time:	11:50 pm.
Mood:	i wish i could say it'll be ok....
Music:	weezer - getchoo.

i woke up with four hours of sleep and a horrible hangover. terrible, terrible nausiousness that lasted almost all day. headache, i felt like i was going to vomit. couldn't walk. couldn't think. how much i thirsted for a razor all day...let my body be totally soaked in corruption and my own blood. it was horrible...i wanted some marijuana, i wanted some blood, i wanted to not be me. escape. im getting hooked up with some vodka. if i have time tomorrow i'll go hang with zack for a while, wallow in my misery. the worst part about today was i had to handle 8 new freshman for next year and play games with them on the hot field...i scared them...i critisized everything. i couldn't function. later i went to judy's...she asked to many god damn questions. had dinner in roseville with my mom, my body ached and i couldn't think. my legs, my back, my neck, my eyes, my head, my feet, my arms...all so achy...i'm irritable. my mom did the usual guilt trip because i wasn't in a mood to talk and she wanted to talk and cried and i didn't know what to do...i never fucking know what to do. i can't do anything. i have to stay stable, because they aren't. i have to take care of everyone, pretend it's ok. be strong, take care of things, listen when they want to listen and tell them what they want to hear, always be nice because they'll cry...jesus christ my mother is a little child...irony of it is that i had just come from yet another session where judy pointed out how repressed i am because i've been forced to take care of everyone my whole life. i want to fight with my mom, yell at her, i want to cry, i want to be sad, i want to be in a bad mood...fuck i want to be a teenager...i'm breaking...i can't...i'm dying...

Comments: beware of this and that.

Subject:	you ripped my heart right out
Time:	12:21 am.
Music:	jimmy eat world (again)-your house.

i went shopping for interlochen things to send earlier. we will be mailing them soon. i can't wait to be gone. i fell asleep on the way home, got home, put on pjs, and went back to bed for another hour. then i went bowling with anna, jennifer, emily, emily's sister and friend, emily's crush cody and his brother. all evening i was the crazy danish girl. i was talking to this guy at the bowling place, and he was like 'what do you think of norway?' and i said i didn't like it because i had been attacked by two norwegian punks outside an oslo museum, and he was like 'i looove norway i lived there for a year!' luckily i visited norway and denmark so was able to have a conversation with him about different places...cody thinks im danish too. keeping up a good scandanavian accent (which really was english/indian with saying 'yah' all the time, nothing remotely real)=difficult. for a while i had to pretend i could fake an american accent well. anyway, we went to denny's afterwards. anna and i set the alarm on cody's car off, kept whistling at this guy in the parking lot, and i stuck some ketchup in my eye, held a fork there screaming, and had the waitress come over and see. i also drank some drinks jennifer mixed up, consisting of water, ketchup, syrup, milkshake (all flavours mixed), salt and pepper. i got a dollar for it *unenthusisatic yay*. yeah...so those were the highlights of my day.

i can't think of any rants. i'm waiting for peter to call. i just watched snl. *sigh*

Comments: beware of this and that.

Subject:	if you love me at all, don't go (call)
Time:	1:00 am.
Music:	jimmy eat world-hear you me (weep).

i really have nothing to say. i'm waiting for my peters to get online...sometimes i like to just watch him with other people and admire him.

i went and saw Midsummer tonight. it was wonderful...shakespear makes me laugh just reading (the joys of being one blessed with intelligence and wit, also known as nerdiness *smile*), and i've seen Midsummer before performed, and that was wonderful, but nothing was as amazingly put on as this. the acting was a lot better and it wasn't the G rated version; it was performed as i think shakespear intended.

i admire actors so much...it's such a whole body and mind art to be able to take a pre-made person and become them, reciting what they say every night as if you truly were them. i don't know...sure i can act, but some people have this amazing talent for acting so fluently that it blows me away. visual art and music and dance i have no problem with, but it's theatre that i don't know if i could ever really learn to do. i don't know, i suppose there's also years of training to create awesome actors...ay de m?, i'm rambling.

i dont know if i feel tired. i feel...the need to lay with my peters and listen to soft music and just be. fall asleep, whatever. i'm getting spoiled...arg one more week and then it wont be goodbye for almost three months. i take the sat and have an audition next weekend - arg i say. sometimes it feels like i'm the surfer who has just barely caught the way and the whole way is fighting to stay just ahead of it before everything crashes down on me. it's not a nice feeling to know that hundreds of pounds of water could fall on you any second. i'm so close to drowning.
i repeat, ay de m?. i need a good cry and my other half.

Comments: 2 broken spokes - beware of this and that.

Subject:	i win for being me.
Time:	7:28 pm.
Music:	jimmy eat world-get it faster.

there's no one in town i know
you gave us some place to go
i never said thank you for that
thought i might get one more chance
what would you think of me now?
so lucky, so strong, so proud
never said thank you for that
now i'll never have a chance
if you were with me tonight
i'd sing to you just one more time
a song for a heart so big god wouldn't let it live
may angles lead you in
hear you me my friends
on sleepless roads the sleepless go
may angles lead you in

beautiful song, that is. it will go on my mags' melancholy cd, along with my sundown.

so my car is totaled. yes, i totaled my car. they're salvaging it. it's so sad...i went and got the rest of my stuff out of it today (couldn't get my lovely cd player and speakers, though...*weep*) and apologized to it for having an accident. i'm afraid it will hate me. i hope that they treat it's parts well, and that it is taken apart with dignity. i think i saw a little tear in the headlight, and it broke my heart. i asked my mom for a hearse, now that we can afford one and i need a car. she said no because then we'd have to have a live-in mechanic. i told her we could keep him in a casket in back...hehe i'd keep a casket back there if i had a hearse. i'd keep all the crap floating around my car in there, like my books and concert shoes. it would be a pain to back up, though. i tried to do it with my van today, i had to go forward and back out again. in the lower parking lot too, how sad is that?

possible names for the new car (though, it will not be named until i get it and feel it right): percy, edward, harold, estelle, yvonne (if it's a gaudy car), or stella. or anything else i think up. if i get a vw golf like i want, it will almost certainly be percy, and if for some crazy reason it is a hearse, of course it would have to be edward.
im gonna eat some pie now...mmm pie...

Comments: 2 broken spokes - beware of this and that.

Subject:	long, strange post. enjoy this juicy tidbit of my thoughts. or don't. i really don't care.
Time:	9:54 pm.
Music:	dashboard confessional-this bitter pill.

i hate emily wont leave me alone about bowling on saturday. how i can i tell someone like her i'm terribly antisocial? she's asked me seven times in the last 3 days. each time i say 'i dont know. i'll see.' i don't feel like hanging out with jennifer and her new favourite boy.
Raniday12: sometimes your creativity scares me...
Raniday12: a lot
what a shame that is...anyway, yeah...i used to try to be social and do things, then i realized they left me feeling empty and suicidal. i don't think i could be good in group things unless im drunk or something, and even then i'd perfer it with just one person.

what a sad thing it is that my worst urges to cut are triggered by emily. she makes me hate myself for all the wrong reasons. i feel stupid, annoying, unwanted, little immature rani screwing up her important leadership life. it's taken me three years to get over that and realize that i am ok and just because emily is cruel to me doesn't mean i am that way. i dont know about emily...sometimes i wonder why i'm still friends with her. i suppose it's because she is a wonderful person with the cutest spark of a personality, but...i won't be in touch with her long after school. she likes to know everything but asks nothing ('oh rani, yeah i've noticed your dark depression that has encompassed you in the past three years, but it's not bad. i know it doesn't bother you.'). sometimes i do really want to just curl up in a ball and cry for all the pain that comes from being different and naturally critical of myself and letting people get to me and believing them when they assume i'm ok but i know im not...no one knows anything except for peter. emily...i dont know what she makes of my depression and self-mutilation. i ask and she doesn't answer. i want to cry. i never cry.

sometimes i think about how screwed up i've always been but decided to never notice. i suppose sometimes things just hit me when i'm vulnerable and i wonder how i go on. i don't like taking pills (the highest dose of the most hardcore stuff, this is) and going to therapy twice a week. of course my sense of humour kicks in and i can scare people with my scars and stories of the mental hospital and get a kick out of it, but there are parts of this i hate, mainly that it exists. i did function before i started getting treatment, but now that i think about it i had to crack sometime. that time is now, and it's left me unproductive because i can't focus, eating too much ice cream, having these silly mood swings, and an all around crazy person. i don't have my cover anymore. no one believes that i have a mean cat, people worry when i'm down, and i don't let myself give in to things i used to. arrrg...i think i'm just in one of those moods. i want to go to sleep right now. maybe i'll get ready when i feel im finished typing out yet another depressing teenage girl rant for everyone to view on the internet. it's the hip thing now, you know there will be an article in time about it so people can invest in the company that owns livejournal, because it's the newest things unhappy teens are using for their bad depressed poetry and little rants. i hate the archetypal depressed teenager with the dark poetry that adults use to explain why emo is hot. oh yes, those teenagers. it's just hormones. when they get older, oh they'll be fine. wait no no the newest medical research shows that 89% of all teens really do need antidepressants! nope, that lady's kids are happy and healthy and said no to drugs...then there's the columbine kids...aaaarggggg i hate being a teenager. i get the feeling that the average person doesn't take teenagers seriously. well...i dont blame them. i don't know how to take myself. maybe i never will. i hope that i can blame it on being artistic and intelligent, though, as opposed to just a teenager. i'd like my reasons for being a tad screwed up in some areas to be due to the fact that i am brilliantly intelligent and creative. i'd like to think that maybe, just maybe i am, even mildly so. ah the crazy artist excuse...good, i can leave this post on a happier note as i go to brush my teeth and attempt to ward off acne with my medicated face wash ('but rani, you don't have acne, your skin is so good...'). mwa ha ha...so many perscriptions i have to pick up each month...crazy list that is. antidepressants, medicated face crap, and birth control pills. sounds like im a pimply, depressed teen having a whole bunch of sex. i'm happy to say im not, though this summer i will be having sex more often than now...*smile*

Comments: 2 broken spokes - beware of this and that.

Subject:	wandering wonderings about labels and myself
Time:	3:31 pm.

there's an article about emo in time magazine. yes, time. i read time and the new yorker because i'm a nerd who likes to know things both political and cultural. still, it's interesting...i don't like to label myself as emo, because i just really got into it within the past six months, and i do like other music, and i don't like to label myself like that (i am me not because it's popular to rebel against labels, but, jesus christ, i like an eclectic mix of things). anyway...i do like many things about emo. i wish i had found it sooner, before it suddenly became popular. or, more popular than it seems to have ever been. that always happens to me - i go after things that seem different because i like them, and then they become popular. i can't stand when something i really like is rather popular. converse shoes? all those 'punks' at pop disaster in sac with their generic-coloured converse was a turn off. sure, i decorate mine and get colours no longer being made, but...i suppose it is a futile thing, to constantly be in search of something original, yet still like a certain style. i could wear nothing but long beaded necklaces and hemp skirts, it certainly would not be the newest style, but i dont like that.

it's funny how i try so hard to be 'myself' and hate that it is popular so i rant about it. if i had my choice i'd be happy with how i was and truly know what i did and did not like, but now i'm pissed because dashboard confessional was in time and emo was defined in a politically correct way, and emo is the newest thing. i'll keep listening to music i like (satie sonatas, at the moment) and dressing how i want, but for the time being i suppose i'll just have to deal with probably being classified as 'emo' because now everyone knows what it is. or maybe i won't. perhaps i'll always be the girl with the undefinable style and a quick mind and emotions quick to turn melancholy, dark, and brooding.

sometimes when i think about it, i really don't know who i am. i say i don't want to classify myself, but really wouldn't it be so much easier for myself if i could call myself something, and know that it's underground and won't be cool until ten years from now? maybe that's what i really want. to be so different i'm the newest thing in the far future.

or i could just be me.

Comments: 2 broken spokes - beware of this and that.

Subject:	my negative rant.
Time:	8:48 pm.
Music:	satie sonatas.

i hate how even my favourite emo cds have some kind of face paced song, and how my computer makes that frantic hum, and how it's so screwed up it tells me a program that isn't open needs to be shut down. i hate instant messanger. i hate how my neck hurts and how my room is either too cold or too warm. i hate eating things that i don't like or need to eat simply because it's food. i hate socializing and all the icons on my desktop and the light the computer gives off. i hate how some people make me want take out a razor and bleed to death right in front of them. i hate how people apologize, how they walk and drive, how they think and fuction, and how they're always happy or too lucky or too hopeful. i hate how they always want to be informed, how they think they're closer to you than they really are. i hate how things die or go bad and that there's nothing really long-lasting except rocks. i hate how i haven't gotten around to making rocks my best friends and still go back to people of whom i'm sick. i hate how i eat too much chocolate and do too little work and too little practice. i hate how i keep myself in situations i hate. i hate they way people yell at me not to cut myself. i hate the way my sister is becoming the way i was. i hate the way i make commitments. i hate the way i'm too emotional. i hate they way i'm not emotional enough. i hate the way i always look and how i always feel and always act and how i make commitments and lie. i hate how no matter what i always end up sitting here in nothing but my own sorrow, angry at myself. and how i do nothing about it.

Comments: 4 broken spokes - beware of this and that.

Time:

10:36 am.

im at school. i should be doing homework, but i dont feel like it. i dont feel like doing anything but sleeping next to peter. my throat still hurts, but it is overpowered by the horrible, torturesome pain in my neck and upper back caused by whiplash. another reason i dont like rain. it's so cold and dark...i always wear dark clothes when it's dark, and usually my mood matches that too. dark makeup, dark clothes, dark attitude. i shake and have scars; i look spooky when i don't smile. i haven't smiled all day. ah, this melancholy despair that wraps around my and gradually seeps into me. i don't resist it, there's not enough energy to do so. i just want to sleep and wake up to a perfectly fine car, dappled shade and a warm wind, light blouse and birks, no neck pain, and a perfect balance of hormones (and no more vaginal bleeding...arrrrg anemia is setting in...). i need chocolate and sleep.

Comments: beware of this and that.

Subject:	i got a new ex-girlfriend, she's so fat and ugly
Time:	8:55 pm.

i had a wonderful weekend. picked peters up and went to p.f. changs (so trendy!) for a nice dinner, followed by going home...showering, drinking coffee, and watching some movies. next morning we ate sum breakfast and then drove to sac. had some coffee at capital garage (get up kids are coming!!!) and then went to my 2.5 hour rehersal. had prom dinner at the mall, played in a looong concert and did like reading objects and booked it to prom, where peter was popular within 2 seconds and a fabulous time was had by all. went to denny's afterwards, had a great time drinking 'coffee', milkshake, and fries. today we woke up and at some food and watched some tv (among other things) and then had to go to the airport. there was really bad weather and traffic today. i saw three accidents and participated in one myself (more in a bit). after dropping off peter i went to the mall and kind of wandered around, then went to virgin records and picked up some cds, including jimmy eat world, reel big fish, and student rick. then i was heading home (slowly! not crazy whatsoever! so - fucking - slow. seriously), and in the canyon my wheels decided they did not want to grip the pavement anymore, but slide on the water. this was on a hairpin curve, in the rain, getting dark. i ended up crunching my car into the hill (which was better than off the cliff, i suppose). im ok except for i screwed up my neck even more, blah. and i think i feel my throat not feeling well...but that doesn't really have to do with hurting my car. aw, poor car...

Comments: beware of this and that.

Subject:	california summer
Time:	8:20 pm.

walking away, the clear shimmer of heat on road, the growling of an overheating car and me, finding refuge in the shade but no solace as I sit and wonder what you're doing now. if only I had some water, if only I had you to refresh me I could go forever until I stopped and waiting for you to catch up if you'd go with me. a clam breeze dapples the ground with light and shadow, the birds you said you'd like to be are swayed back to life in the hot barren tan landscape above the river that smells like salt and dust and shady water as it laps the shore and the legs of those finding relief in the cool, rocky water that meanders and always exists in a perfect state of liquid relief that is you, far away so that I am blind and hopeful, though there is no hope unless I venture out from under the tree when my car is cool, leaving my shady refuge under the thick tree by the fence intertwined with feral vinca forgotten long ago. the wind stops and I lean my head back and close my eyes so I can feel my warm, moist lids over my cool dry irises and wish that I could open them and see you shimmering there, icy water over cold smooth rocks, a perfect equilibrium of energy and relief from the dry lonely bright day that blinds my eyes and scrapes my skin. my bed is shady and smooth like a rock and I lie on it listening to the tired melancholy music of sati that puts me into a cool dreamless sleep. I wake up and hear my skin touching the different surfaces as I move like a breeze through the empty house in search of something that may be outside, but is not, there is only dry tan heat with fine dust collecting on cool sweaty skin and the irritating moisture of the lawn and the smell of a silent hot oak tree that watches and gently moves it's leaves with the breeze, dappling the ground and providing cool shade and taunting those who want more.

Comments: beware of this and that.