Sammi's Thoughts [Sammi's Thoughts|Interesting People|Miss a Day?] Sammi [ website | A Taste ] [ userinfo | A Touch ]

grammar question [05 Feb 2002|05:57pm] [ mood | disgusted ] What is wrong with this sentence? I like books, movies, and cooking. I'm amused. I graduated cum laude with a degree in English and got a 70-something on the grammar quiz. I'm a trifle embarassed. No, I don't worry about spelling and grammar here, but I'd like to think I know the rules I choose to break :P 9 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

as far as Trillian goes .... [05 Feb 2002|03:11pm] [ mood | resigned ] I have tried v .70, .721, and .722. I have tried with Secure IM. I have tried without Secure IM. I have waited hours for it to clear. I am still getting the 'cannot reach flap' or whatever error. I'm beginning to entertain the possibility of a proxy issue, though I have never had a proxy issue, but I don't know what else to do. I have tried upgrading, downgrading and reinstalling fresh with .722 and .70. I do not like these eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am. (thanks to those who have tried tohelp though) 6 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

go max! [05 Feb 2002|01:53pm] [ mood | mischievous ] look! February's hunk here (scroll way down, it's our own mtffm!) If you can't find him, don't look at this map, cause he doesn't wanna be found behind the pile of bodies. Better, Max? Ooooh... maybe we can make the link to max's Hunk of the Month pic a meme on LJ ... 7 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

[05 Feb 2002|01:16pm] [ mood | curious ] I think it is time to move the Eva poster to where the Kenshin is and move Kenshin to be closer to me in my cube. Maybe seeing my battousai in the corner of my eye all day will lift my spirits, since I have no actual *pictures* of Richard. any thoughts?

[05 Feb 2002|11:02am] [ mood | numb ] I'm aggravated. Trillian v.70 isn't even working for me for AIm from work anymore, but it does from home. I mean, if it's because they are doing something naughty to connect me to AOL's servers, then fine, but why doesn't ICQ die too then? Feel tired. Wanted to stay in bed this morning. Feel like crying. No good reason to cry. Just want to. Dunno if I even want to do anything right now. Going to go sit over a cup of coffe and feel morose i think. Even knowing my darling might have a surprse for me on Valentine's Day isn't making me cheery. i just feel out of sorts. Off. Wrong. Time for coffee I suppose. 4 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

[05 Feb 2002|10:18am] [ mood | confused ] I think my doritos want to eat me more than I want to eat them. they keep trying to fall down behind the bib of my black overalls. I think i'm gonna just quit eating htem - I'm tired of wiping the powdered cheese off my chest :P 8 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

[05 Feb 2002|09:57am] [ mood | morose ] it is actually cool enough in my cube that one of the bulbs in my Galileo thermometer is floating. thank god! feeling kinda blah. Not really bad, not really good, just kinda ... here. Beginning to fret about moving again. Seriously, I don't know where I'll find the money. Trying to remember if Kit every paid me back his half of the deposit on the duplex, since he lost his job right after that and I had to carry us for a month and a half. I really kinda want to get the whole deposit back since it was the insurance money from my car accident and I want to get that damned door fixed. I don't think He'll see it that way though. Oh well :( Don't know where I am going to be able to find the money for security and pet deposit on a new place. Part of me is kind of afraid I will *have* to move to Norfolk because I won't be able to afford living here. I have tried living on my own. I don't make enough yet to cover rent and expenses on a place of my own. Not anything decent at least. Not and be able to eat more than ramen and egg noodles all the damned time. I don't know what I am going to do. there is a very small for now sense of desperation in me. I want Richard here partly because dammit I want him here, and partly because I don't know how I can make it alone. I don't want to leave behind my friends and my theatre company ... but I would rather do that than sign even a 6 month lease I can't keep up with. Right now the $550 a month which is my half of our rent is tight. What with the addition of the car, insurance, too many credit card bills ... I remember how angry I felt when Kit assumed that because I make more than him that i could cover more than my half of things ... Ugh. I'm running tight enough as it is that I am getting donations from my darling :P Yeah, i know I could save money by not eating lunch out. Trouble is, the kitchen always seems to be filthy or my dishes are hiding whenever I go to cook comething. It's hardly worth the effort. I just .. I don't know. The alternative seems to be 'Don't eat lunch', which since I almost never eat breakfast, or here lately, dinner, that would be a bad plan. I need to eat at least one meal a day, even if it costs me $8-10 to do it. I'm feel ing sad I think. Not depressed, just sad. The kind of sad where you just inda go along with whatever happens because you don't think you can really make a difference in what's going on. I feel ... like I don't have a vote. I feel like I am watching. Like whatever goes on next won't have a lot to do with what I want. This is me, just wanting it to come out well, but too out of control of the situation to affect it. I want my darling. I don't much care about anything else in the world. I just want my darling and the rest can go hang. Darling ... I miss you my darling ... 3 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

Oooh! [04 Feb 2002|02:55pm] [ mood | smart alecky ] I do have something planned for V-Day! I'll be taking my friends to the airport :) See? I guess non-single people do all have plans :P 4 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

hmm. valentine's day. [04 Feb 2002|02:20pm] [ mood | bitter ] I think I have always, always had a love-hate relationship with Valentine's Day. On the one hand, I absolutely love the sickeningly sweet flowers and candy and hearts and pink lovey dovey shit. If, that is, I am participating. Otherwise, I see a red door, and I paint the fucker black. I guess I have really gotten good at the cycnical romantic bit, the sweet little girl who wants to have the sunshine and roses and if she doesn't get them gives you a sunburn then beats you with thorns. It sucks. And generally, I have had one of two kinds of valentine's days. Single and lonely, but at least people respect your misery because you're single, and dating, but mierable, because he doesn't celebrate, forgets, makes a mess of it, whatever. *sigh* Just thinking about it, I am starting to get tight in my chest and wanting to cry. I fucking hate it. i know it's a Hallmark Holiday, totally, even moreso than Xmas, which I now preactically boycott, though I do like the lights and tree and stuff part, but dammit! I want to be worshipped. If I can't get it year round, i want it at least one preordained day I can point to that's easy to remember and on ever calendar. I don't even get that. Am I overdoing this point? Fuck yeah. Do I know how much I am overreacting? Yeah, fuck you. I don't care. This is the first thing today that has managed to slip through my blissninny mood and make me fucking miserable. Being reminded that that most unholy of days is 10 days away and I'm going to be alone. Really fucking alone. No matter what else he could do, my darling cannot be here. that hurts more than I want it to, and even more because I know he knows it hurt me, and I don't know that he really understands. Sometimes I think he's just gotten numb to some stuff. I haven't. I try to avoid being numb. Numb is a slipper slope for me. So is being upset. I need to recollect myself. I still have to go do laundry and whatnot tonight and I don't want to be miserable when i do it. there ... I feel a little better. I think maybe I will just live in denial that valentine's is coming up. Fuck it. I'll be miserable anyhow. Ugh. *fights teh impending gloom* I don't wanna be depressed. I'm having a good day. Fuck off, Valentine. I don't need this shit. any thoughts?

*glow* [04 Feb 2002|10:52am] [ mood | loved ] I feel radiant today. I feel filled and surrounded by this beautiful white light of love and connection, and it's just ... rar! I know part of it is probably because I have the earrings on that I charged, but it was Monday morning, andI wanted something to give me a boost after having a great weekend and then having to come to work. Work has been slow, but not too boring to tedious at least, so I feel good :) Reiki was incredible. So many other words for it too, but to sum up in short, it was incredible. I feel like being a total Reiki Slut now, and offering it to everyone I know. Kit made a crack Saturday night about his neck hurting, but I really *was* exhausted from the hot tub and the long day or I'd have offered to try. In the last two days i have seen many things, felt many new parts of my life come back to me ... it's .. it's just such and honor to have this gift now. It's an honor, more than anything else. to be allowed to help the world in this way. Had this odd thing happen last night, I can only describe as reiki-sleep, which Shae likened to volunteer work, and I cna see that. Do need to talk to the guides about not signing up for too much of that. Only put in four hours, and that was totally because i wanted to and went out and did it, but I want to be careful i limit myself on that. In the midst of the class i couldn't think of what I would heal in myself, or where I would begin, for self-work, but things are starting to tumble over me as spots to work on ... I wonder if I can Reiki out Cedar Fever. That is only a half-joke :P I'm not terribly allergic anyhow. It shouldn't take much to acclimatize, if it works. Might investigate that tonight. Feel tired but good today, and i feel bright, and alive, and happy. I can still see the things that usually bring me down, but they just aren't right now. I'm wanting to give reiki-charged gifts now to friends... and I wonder if I could crochet reiki into baby blankets. ooooooooooooh I love that idea. Too bad I don't know anyone having a baby. I'm a bit superstitious about making a baby blanket without a baby to make it for... kinda like not rocking cradles if you don't wanna see it filled. Fuck it. It's superstitioun and only has thepower I give it. If I wanna make one I will. Perhaps I'll work on Keith's sweater though, and work it into that. A big purple reiki sweater. Yep, I need to work on that now. Now I have all these wild ideas for Reiki candles and soaps .. ooh soaps ... argh ;) gee, I'm gonna have a hard time finding the $800 or so for ART/Master attunement (dear gods why must it be so much!!!) but I have just got to keep going in a month or more.. Not too soon, need to process still. But in a while... I'll have to work something out somehow. rar! off to the lobster... any thoughts?

ooh! ooh! ooh! ooh! [04 Feb 2002|06:26am] [ mood | girlie ] MegaTokyo has the 'Ph33l th3e Lov3' stuff out!!! I wanna muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug! bah. *giggle* Largo's gonna be at UshiCon. *sigh* ah well. I knew it was coming, and it's even *here* and I still dinnit get tickets. I'm a bad little would-be otaku. Maybe I can still get a day pass to rummage the dealer floor for Kenshin stuff ... NO! Bad, broke Sammi! No Kenshin! argh..... any thoughts?

[04 Feb 2002|02:36am] [ mood | amused ] The Siamese on the left would be Cappy... 4 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

ROFL! [04 Feb 2002|02:10am] [ mood | loved ] I swear I didn't even try! I just knew what I'd get ... I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by peacefulchaos ! Reiki was ... interesting. I had really powerful validation both days that it was working, so I can't really say "oh, I'm broken." I feel very very lucky, that I have such a wonderful darling who would pay for such a class for me, and such an incredible friend to teach me, and to help me remember things I'd forgotten. Reiki has courted me for a while but the time was not right. The time was right now. I feel ... well, so very lucky. Going back to sleep now. *hug* 2 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

always worried about something... [01 Feb 2002|03:35pm] [ mood | worried ] I cannot believe I am depressed and going into a 2 day reiki attunment intensive. this weekend could be very interesting if half of what I gather about attunements is true. Thank godness I'll be amongst friends if I breakdown. So long as I don't vomit like that again.... I'm looking forward to it, but I'm worried now. I don't want to end up really sick :/ *sigh* any thoughts?

move complete (?) [01 Feb 2002|02:37pm] [ mood | tired ] got all my stuff to the one workstation now I think. Gonna have to behave myself with IRC and chat and stuff, but Ithink I'll be okay. I'd go nucking futz if I couldn't peek at least all day. The guys (and gals) in my chans get me through the day. feeling ... poopy right now. Tired. Lethargic. Like going home and reading perhaps. But, well, I feel too restless to read. Does that make sense? I get this way, too often of late, where i don't want to have to do anything, but I am too bored to do nothing. The reason is simple ... the only thing I want to do I can't, and nothing else suffices, sorta like craving chocolate, all the carob in the world isn't going to make you not want it, it'll onlymake you sick trying to fill that empty space with the wrong thing. Having Richard here soon, even only for a while, has become a physical need. Reiki or no reiki, or whatever... the reason I am so pissed off is becase I am sitting here watching my body and mind deteriorate, and the only solution that will work is not an option. You all wonder why I am a basket case. Watch yourself slowly destroying yourself and not be able to stop it. See how you feel on the other side of it. And no one can know what it's really like unless they have been there. And if you have, good fucking god do I feel sorry for you. You know I know it sounds morid as fuck, but I don't really care, it's how I feel. Like I am watching myself die. Like I am watching my desire to go on slipping through an hourglass because if nothing else on the other side of that hourglass, there is the 50-50 chance of no more pain. Here, well, I can pretty much map out what I've got here. At least, the pessimistic side of me can. Jesus fuck, I'm a morose little girl. *sigh* I still have that feeling like part of my mind has deserted me. Like a part of me went baibai. Like some part of me couldn't take it anymore and went on sabbatical. God I hurt. I'm tired of hurt. I'm tired of hurting Richard, and myself, and making everyone around me watch as I fall apart. I don't want this. I want my darling by my side, in real life, not in my own little happy fantasy world. I want to start on a better life. I want to move on. This part of my life is growing old. I wasn't going to go here. I really wasn't. but I'm finding myself back at square one after not feeling too shitty this morning. Little things are bothering me. certain women in his LJ interests that I didn't notice before. not having him here, as always. knowing I'm going to basically be gone the better part of tomorrow and sunday, but hopefully he won't be out all night saturday and I can tell him all about the attunements, part one. But saturday night is part of when he goes out. and I don't really know when I will be home. I ... part of me just fucking doesn't care what happens now as long as something happens. Fucking find him a windfall or hit me with a bus but do it now and get it the fuck over with. the anticipation is driving me nuts. anyhow. Off to to at least make believe I am working for 2 more hours. *grump* any thoughts?

bills bills bills... [01 Feb 2002|10:43am] [ mood | trying to feel better ] Mervyn's bill is more important than sushi. *sends $25 to them and VS* There. I feel better. No late fees this time :) any thoughts?

Australia wakes up in North Atlantic (from satirewire) [01 Feb 2002|10:41am] buddy of mine is sending me tons of satire links this morning. This one about Australia amused me greatly... 1 thought shared|any thoughts?

[01 Feb 2002|10:28am] don't know if I want to go to the drumming thing tonite... I'm feeling utterly exhausted, and I'll be busy so much of this weekend I'm sure to barely see Richard as it is ... I think I'll just eat well, try to rest tonight, and be bright and fresh in the morning. The stroganoff-esque yummy I made two nights ago that I didn't eat in my distressed state last night should be quite filling. No wonder I am exhausted today. I never ate last night, andI've had no caffiene today. Not on purpose or anything, I just haven't. And with having been so emotional last night, I'm just worn out. We. You're right, darling, I do have trouble remembering that it it really is *we* now, with or without you physically here, rings and vows and bullshit aside... we. I .. wonder if sometimes I'm not just afraid to get my hopes up too high, because those things I hold most precious seem to be the ones most likely to be ripped from me. Thank you, my darling, for being a part of me, for being my strength when I am weak, and for keeping me wanting to go on. Even if you are the only good reason I can think of to get up in the morning, at least I have that one reason, and once I'm up, I can think of more. I love you my darling. So very much more than I could ever put into words. So, come to find out, we may never have had a real license for much of my work-software, most notably visual interdev, which I use to write my webpages. Not good, yanno ... but no sweat. I'm going to download Jext, a Java-based programming editor, rather like Visual Studio without the shortcut code snippets. Its, well, it's a programming editor for programmers, not for those of us who still need those code buttons ;) BUT! I shall overcome. I shall succeed. It will all work out, somehow ;) I feel a little less depressed today. Getting paid helped. I'm going to eat a good lunch, even if it is going to be eating out, and enjoy it, and feel better. Besides getting my work box running again, that is my goal today/ Be happy. Dammit. Must. Be. Happy. any thoughts?

OH MY GOD! [01 Feb 2002|08:09am] I managed to keep $50 in my savings account across paycheques!!! no bouncies! No overdraft! Now, if all works out well, I can treat myself to sushi, or that Kenshin video I've been wanting ... or save up and get a DVD player :) it would only take a couple months at that rate! And I looked at a couple of my credit card bills and I have a few more days .... maybe I'll jus tsplit it and give $25 to each ... we'll see :) This at least cheers me some. 4 thoughts shared|any thoughts?

*cries* [31 Jan 2002|06:54pm] [ mood | at my wit's end ] I actually owe on my taxes this year. only $15, but god fucking dammit, I was really hoping for a return so I could get Ricahrd a Valentine's present, or something nice for me, or save some or put it on my damned Discover card or something i just fucking give up. i fucking hate taxes. it's so fucking stupid anyhow ... going to measure how fast ketchup pours and [yes, I deleted it]. fucking hell. I'm going to go sob like a little fucking baby now. Excuse me. Edit: Yes, I censored myself. I am a little embarrassed that I wrote that. Christianity is no more a curse than any other religion, I just firmly believe it has no place in politics. I don't want my taxes going to a Save the Witches campaign either. Gimme my fucking money back and I'll donate it myself. 1 thought shared|any thoughts?

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