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you have a main fault. i'd be so pleased to tell you what it is. a not-so-attractive member of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if you happen to be gay) approaches you on the street and says, "you are so good-looking! can i buy you a coke?" you: say "sure! golly! you're so kind! why don't we go back to your apartment and have some conversation, too? by the way, i'm new in town and i don't know my way around and not one person knows i exist!" hold on. wow. there is no way that this could ever happen. it would have to be a joke. i guess i'd cry because they were making fun of me. again. say "ew! gross! how could anyone as disgusting as you have the nerve to approach the wonderfulness that is me?!" smile and say "sure!" but as soon as they turn away for a second, run away. your friend asks you for help on her paper. it is a very, very bad paper. you: can't tell it's bad. a paper is a paper! i tell her it is ok. get offended because the entire paper is about how horrendously ugly i am laugh diabolically and rip it up. "drop out of college," i say, sneering, "for there is no hope for one as stupid as thee." tell her it is great, so i don't have to bother fixing it. how do you feel when people judge you on your looks? great! it's when i open my mouth that they know the sad truth about my brain and the absence thereof. please don't even suggest that this happens. oh no. i don't care how people judge me. i don't care what they think at all. it painfully obvious that i am better than everyone. ha! i'm fine with it... as long as no one knows the diabolical thoughts i'm really thinking. someone compliments you. the compliment is most likely: "now that is a really nice, normal, cute person! i don't care about people's gpa's!" "i judge people by their minds and personalities, and that person is well blessed in both areas." "well, that person really tells it how it is, that's for sure..." "that person is so interesting...s/he is nice to everyone, but you never really know what's going on in that brain..." in elementary school, you were: at the bottom of the class. i couldn't read until i was eleven. constantly picked on because of my face. the bully. quietly observing others, taking mental notes. in high school you were: a jock. it's the only thing that kept me in school. home sick on school picture day notorious being nice to people i didn't like. for survival. a friend needs to borrow money. a lot of money. you: lend it, and most likely forget about it. this always seems to happen... lend it if she'll agree to set you up with someone. my last three dates have fled the country. laugh in her face. ha, ha, ha. money? lending? ha. lend it with a smile, but warn your other friends that this girl is on the prowl for funds to support her cocaine habit. you've been spying.

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