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[6 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] lick it! [23 Feb 2002|10:07pm] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | insoc : are friends electric? ] yes, that is, in fact, my neck . . . . i did it. and i'm feeling so much of a natural high right now. and when he stuck the needles in everything got clearer, just for those few minutes . . . . i feel like a ton of stress has been lifted off of me. then there's that almost erotic feeling. but i'm not going to go on about that, because i doubt anyone would understand and it's obviously personal. >:) but i did it. and it looks gorgeous. it's hot. i love it already. it was really worth the waiting and the money. pardon the picture for looking so nasty, but a - it's hard to take a picture of your own neck, and b - the piercings are fresh, so there's still some blood around the puncture wounds. also, they're not uneven, i had my head tilted to the side, and they are curved barbells for time being so that it's easier to get the ointment worked in there for cleaning. it was a fantastic experience. i feel so fucking GREAT right now.

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] sing like no one is listening . . . . [23 Feb 2002|05:09pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | guess. . . . ] it's only when i lose myself in someone else that i find myself." - depeche mode ["only when i lose myself"]

[1 soul : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] "words are meaningless and forgettable" [23 Feb 2002|04:50pm] i am no longer able to express myself without coming under attack. talk about being creatively stifled. and brandon,solansunfire, thinks his writings are always misunderstood? HAH. nick cave is going to be at the orpheum in may. someone take me. please? another uneventful saturday. this time it's at the end of the very eventful [eventful in the most weird fuck up way, that is] week. this is one of the more fucking odd week i've ever had in my entire life. is it possible that someone can say you're the most interesting person they've ever met and NOT be interesting in being with you? i wonder . . . . i wonder lots of things. most of which i'll probably not write for others to see because i don't want to be on the receiving end of ranting that ultimately leaves me feeling as guilty as i can possibly feel because i decided to write fucking nothingness that came out of nowhere, with no one in mind. and YES, that was a run-on sentence. if you didn't enjoy it based purely on the fact that it is a grammatical error, please never try to have a conversation with me. because that is exactly how i speak when i'm feeling excitable. which is more often than not these days. unless i'm feeling absolutely nothing, which has been more of a constant trend as i get older. i sill refuse to have my spirit broken. anyway. my college application for the university of massachusetts at dartmouth came today. it's the most beautiful application i've ever seen. it's maybe three pages, if that, and completely simple. i remember when i applied to go to simon's rock; the application was a NITEMARE. but then again, simon's rock is just a fucking elitist academy that thinks they're so wonderful they only need to let a baker's dozen of people in each year. i maye have been one of those people, but still. it's so fucking awesome to be uber smart, but being elitist screams with stupidity to me. but that's probably just me. i know i've made lots of people [well, two] in my life feel completely neglected this week. for that i am sorry. if i could make it up to you, i would. i would write to you, but my words seem so empty these days. i never want to send hollow words without passion backing them to anyone. i'd say stick round and wait out this rut with me but, personally, i don't think i'm worth it. i feel very alive this week. every breath is counting.

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] lustfucking. [21 Feb 2002|02:40pm] [ mood | psychotic ] [ music | and one : sometimes ] survey. beware. ( Read more... )

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] XXX. [21 Feb 2002|09:14am] BANNED You're illegal in most developed countries, and your possession is punishable by death in at least 5. "Which Movie Classification Are You?" Test created by Jamie - take it here.

[3 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] i'm only sleeping. [21 Feb 2002|08:03am] [ mood | beautifully astonished ] [ music | depeche mode : everything counts ] did all of that really just happen? i just woke up with a start at 4am, came online, and had two of the most amazing and yet dissimilar conversations i've ever had at the same time. one was seductive in a purely wrong and evil mental/intellectual way [beyond what you're thinking, grow up] and one was getting-to-know-you innocently seductive. could even I overdose on seduction? hell no. i must not even dare think it. heh. no such creature as too much of a good thing. life is so fucking sweet and ironically rotten at the same time. i stare straight ahead, painfully awake, wondering who wants me . . . who needs me . . . who convulses with desire at the very thought of . . . . oh, never mind. >:) have an eye-opening day.

[9 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] he who most closely resembles death is most reluctant to die . . . . [20 Feb 2002|11:28am] [ mood | quixotic ] [ music | magnetic fields : i don't want to get over you ] i forget to whom the credit goes for that quote. but it's true. oh yeah, i'm in a real sweet fucking mood. >:) agh, i just really hate people. i'm sick of them. i'm sick of friendships that could have survived had it not been for miscommunication through a person that probably didn't want the friendship to succeed in the first place. i've learned my lesson. i'll never go through a person to conduct the communication in a relationship again. maybe the person i'm writing this to is out there reading it and understanding it; i hope so. if not, well not. i don't think i am capable of having a healthy relationship with a female. a sexual relationship, maybe . . . . :giggle: not like a girl would ever be attracted to me. if guys are not, then why would a girl be? lol. it's a funny thing. i'd be interested in knowing if a girl was attracted to me, but i'm not sure if i'd act on it. well, there's a first time for everything, and i am just too damn curious for my own good. i'm getting my neck pierced this week. good times. last nite was really fascinating. on the way there josh said, "you're getting a glimpse at what was one of your possible futures" when we were driving past a house in north attleboro that he and my mother almost bought, and that's a VERY ironic statement. josh, if you're reading this, do you get me? that was a very ironic statement to make LAST NITE, of all nites. you follow? hehehe. i won my first ebay auction yesterday. it's and adx shirt. great. i actually liked my car yesterday. that's different. i like it so much i think i'll go drinking after work and then drive my car into a brick wall! yessssah! drinking and driving is BAD, KIDS. don't listen to me. i'm risky. i'm a crazy little girl with a death wish. and i'm tougher than charles bronson, ya heard? fuck . . . . :sigh: someone call my cell phone and moan breathlessly my name into it . . . someone talk to me about your interpretation of anything nabokov . . . someone tell me the raw truth without being afraid . . . . someone run your fingers down my back . . . . or read over my shoulder in a bookstore . . . . someone kidnap me after high school and show me what real life is all about . . . . there has to be more to life than pills, whiskey and coffee. i know that's just high school. it has to be. crushes hurt, you know. especially unlikely ones.

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] how blatantly obvious. . . . [18 Feb 2002|04:03pm] Where's your corner of the Twilight Zone? Take the Twilight Zone test!

[1 soul : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] cocaine smile. [17 Feb 2002|11:31am] Which Firearm are you? brought to you byStan Ryker For whom does the human skull shed tears? It sheds tears for you. Find out what YOUR inner non-sequitur is! quiz by A.V. Phibes A person was tied to you, then weighted down onto the impaling spikes or beaten with sticks. Yeesh. Go overboard much when you're upset? What torture would you be?

[3 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] kick me. [13 Feb 2002|05:49pm]

[2 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] DAMN good coffee . . . . and HOT! [13 Feb 2002|05:18pm] [ mood | happy in a psychotic way ] [ music | afi : i don't wanna fuck you [so FUCK YOU!] ] what a week. you know what? a teenage girl goes through adolescence being told that there's no one like her best friend [usually assumed to be female]. and NEVER to choose a boyfriend over a best friend, because the friendship will long outlast a romantic relationship. you now what i say? fuck THAT. that's only been true in ONE case. i had ONE boyfriend that i spent a little too much time with, and neglected my best friend at the time for. and yes, the guy did end up dumping me on my head without so much as a warning. and my best friend was there. but that's about the only time it went like that. as a general rule, the boys and men in my life have been so much better to me than any female i have ever been known to waste time on. so listen to me. throw yourself into your next guy friend, or boyfriend. if you have good taste you'll never regret it. the guys i have in my life are absolutely fucking amazing, and i'd throw all my chick acquaintances in front of a mack truck for them if they so desired. i'm completely serious. men are just fantastic. "they" [doctors, professionals, etc.,] think i'm bi polar. i think that's beautiful. suffering is honest. have a gorgeous fucking nite. >:) xoxo there's only one chick in my life whom i woud quote. steph, i heart you, babe. "purrstar17: its ok cuz i'd still love u! =) even if u were tri polar!" ok. so i like lesbians. but they usually have a very many male qualities [or so i've observed]. so it makes sense :)

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] it's SICK how true that is. [11 Feb 2002|07:49pm] [ mood | impressed ] Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

[4 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] ahhh, to live. [09 Feb 2002|11:27am] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | snog : are you normal enough? ] haha! chris is awesome. he berates 14 year old girls [and everyone else, for that matter] with such ease! ahhhhhhhhh! i adore it. i'm so glad there is someone else in the world that hates everyone, too. i was beginning to feel cold and lonely. mwhahhaah. if we combined to form one elitist, insult pounding force we could take over south jersey . . . . and then. . . . the world! he's just the kind of person you want to take to a friend's house [a friend who has a whole web of caring, touchy, "we don't like to hurt the feelings of our other friends for fun" friends] during a party and just let him loose. by the end of the nite people would be crying and whining up a storm. HAH! he just slays me completely. it's wonderful. lol. yesterday was very nice; i spent most of it sleeping and hanging out with brandon. i have to work this afternoon. oh joy. contrary to what seems to be a popular belief, hot topic is NOT a dream job. not at all. it's not working at mcdonald's, but still. and the hot topic i work at isn't a big party, it's a lot more business oriented than socially oriented as some of the others are. eh. i'm definitely considering having a 17th century reproduction dress made for my prom. i love period dress. so basically i would look like i just stepped out of "amadeus", "valmont", or "dangerous liasons". it would be beautiful. and it would OWN all the other prom dresses in this country, this year. so mwhahahaha to you and your ugly and overdone corset-top with bustle skirt two piece dresses. most of the girls i see wearing them are too fat for a two piece dress that exposes the stomach anyway. look at yourself! being fat is a CRIME!!!! haha. i have been such a bitch lately. but, you know what? it's almost cleansing. yes. haha. maybe i should start writing entries that make people cry. i could turn all my acquaintances emo. mwhahahha. ok, i've said far too much. i'll be off now, readying myself for work. oh, and it's a saturday nite, too! joy of joys! i bought a new lipring. it's black. BLACK METAL. which reminds me, i watched some documentary that had a short segment about satanism and satan in school yesterday and they made reference to VENOM. how fucking COOL is THAT? spec-tac-u-lar. xoxo

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] get on your knees, whore. [07 Feb 2002|08:54pm] [ mood | your best fucking friend ] [ music | malice mizer : beast of blood ] you know what's great? how PAINFULLY RIGHT i am. about EVERYTHING. just that.

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] oh! go rupture your spleen, fucker! [07 Feb 2002|08:51pm] [ mood | on a rampage ] [ music | throbbing gristle ] five items you have brand loyalty to. + evian. + neutrogena. + converse. + pez. + count chocula. five phrases you use: + sod off, yah bloody wanker! + bitch-ass! + drop dead. now, preferably. + i don't like you anymore. + all girls must die! five snacks you enjoy. + slurpees. + bagels. + espresso. + mashed potatoes. + pop tarts. five songs you know the words to, even without the music. + misfits - skulls. + tura satana - break + venom - black metal. + sex pistols - pretty vacant. + agent orange - bloodstains. five games that you like. + old school manhunt. + any drinking game. + spin the bottle. + trivial pursuit. + rock 'n roll jeopardy. [this game shows that i OWN YOU.] five albums that changed your life. + sex pistols - nevermind the bollocks . . . . + the misfits - static age. + venom - black metal. + vnv nation - empires. + the beatles - the white album. five things you can't live without. + coffee. + jack daniels. + muscle relaxants. + myke. + shows. five good things to touch. + leather boots. + eyelashes. + lips. + people's lives. + your dad's cock. five things you'd buy with one thousand dollars. + cds. + exhumer rock boots. + leather jacket. + one way ticket to london. + leather pants.

[2 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] . . . . in which she tries like hell to make something of herself. [06 Feb 2002|02:51pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | agnostic front : gotta go ] ahhh. today i sent for an application to apply to the university of massachusetts at dartmouth. it's just something i need to do. i feel like maybe getting accepted into a decent school might launch me into a period where i utilize this brain that is currently going to waste, and perhaps start to feel better about myself and more ambitious. i'm very confident i'll get accepted when and if the time comes, but i need to see it on paper. making a definite decision to attend college for the next four years will totally change the course my life was going, of course. but nothing is definite right now. i just need to do something. something academic. college life up here would be fairly stable, and anyone that knows me [all two of you, seriously] knows that stability just might save me from myself. my job is tolerable, and almost guaranteed. the new manager likes me. i'm employee of the month. everyone is always asking me when i turn eighteen, and if i see myself working for the store even years from now. that part is perfect. of course i don't make millions, but maybe someday that will change. i don't plan on being a slave to retail my entire life. i did a lot of thinking today about what happens this summer. and nothing is really concrete, so everything is subject to change. i don't think i'll have the money to move out, though it would be nice. but what can you do? i wasn't born into a family that set me up with a college fund, or an untouchable bank account, or anything like that. the only money i'll have this summer is that which i got as a graduation gift [i'll not hold my breath, lol], what i've made at my job, and a few fifty and one hundred dollar bonds. so basically i'll be living modestly for awhile. but that's okay. i can't wait until march. chris purchased tickets to see don giovanni at lincoln center in new york city, and invited me to go. it's going to be beautiful. i'm probably going to buy the inevitable outrageously priced dress this week. i've also been invited to go on the ides of march tour with the band everyone loves to hate - atrium. if everyone in the south jersey scene hates them, you know they must be good! lol. which triggers thoughts of the prom. i cannot wait until the prom. by then i should be down to like, 120lbs or so. of course my mother has started on her eating disorder diatribes ALREADY, but she'll have to get over it. my dress is going to fucking own, and it will be the one nite in high school where i will actually feel alive. and brandon is going to look so fucking rock in an all black suit. i can't wait. and steph - don't forget i owe you a slow dance! :grin: there are some health problems going on with me right now, but i don't want to post them. as i've said before in this journal, if you're not in the know, it's probably because i don't want you to be. and i'm getting a new car. it's actually happening. i'm looking at saturn sls and vw jettas right now. so i won't be down to jersey until at least march 28th or so. because neil is on his last wheels, and it begging to be smashed to hell with my aluminum baseball bat. hehe. in the meantime, chris might come up HERE to visit. which would be really nice. because if anyone thinks driving five hours to jersey from here is any great digs, well, it isn't. and it's even worse on the way back when you just want to finally be HOME. in fall rivah, that is. so yeah. there's much more to do up here anyway. that's it for now.

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] everybody wants some! [31 Jan 2002|09:04pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | skinny puppy : incision ] Which John Cusack Are You? [i had the BIGGEST crush on john cusack when i was just a young little thing in the 80*s. my thing for nerdy boys started when i saw him play the geek in sixteen candles! :dreamy sigh:]

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] disregard my fucking babbling, i guess. [31 Jan 2002|07:40pm] ok. i bitch about my physical appearance a lot. maybe too much. but don't think for a new york minute i'm doing it to fish for compliments. i really hate myself. you can ask anyone that knows me in real life. they will tell you. i just didn't want anyone to think i was a whiny little moron. i hate the way i look. i can't stand myself. i write it in my journal because this is where i vent. and today is a severe "ugly day". so there you go. have mercy because i'm feeling pretty fucking fatal today.

[lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] our lady of the holy foreskin. [31 Jan 2002|05:33pm] [ mood | seattle ] [ music | funker vogt : thanks for nothing ] a small life update . . . . this week was the beginning of new classes at school. and they are all about as enjoyable as surgery. hmmm . . . . i have child psychology with brandon and stephanie. that's nice. considering i never get the chance to talk with stephanie [lives get in the way] and having a class with brandon just keeps my mind off that fact that i'm in school. i also have theatre and gym. both of which are really just obstacles to me. then there is the class where we read horror/suspense novels and watch the accompanying films. simple. finally, i attend advanced journalism at the end of the day which is sort of like writer's block in class form. i am really not dealing well socially lately, and that's why a very many of you have been neglected in the way of emails and im conversations. i just cannot look into people's eyes, or write sincere things to them. i refuse to write two line emails [usually] and i do not like writing lengthy emails that are not even genuine. so, there's that. my job is making me grow increasingly frustrated and hostile. also linked to social deficiencies, i'm guessing. my self esteem has severely plunged. and plunging from where it already was is a very dangerous thing. which reminds me : psycho strict harsh mega diet starts tomorrow. hey, the prom is in four months . . . . february vacation is about two weeks and a day in the future. i cannot wait. i'm not entirely sure how i'll waste a week's worth of free time, but i'm sure i'll manage. . . . somehow. i really need to get some new piercings to drag me out of this rut. i've just got to dig my way out of this before it becomes one of those things that ends up lasting for half of a year. maybe it's something an old-fashioned baby stomping can take care of. baby stomping is good for the soul. the soulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! in other news, i bought a fair sex cd [machine bites] the other day online. hope it arrives soon. [i want the old school brandon back. i wonder where he went. the brandon who wrote me emails with exclamation points after EVERY sentence. the brandon who smiled at me always, without fail. the brandon who didn't take advantage of what he had only to bitch about wanting more. where are you?]

[5 souls : lay down your soul to the gods of rock 'n roll] i hate girls. [31 Jan 2002|05:33pm] [ mood | painfully unattractive ] [ music | assemblage 23 : tried ] but i want to be beautiful like all other girls. ALL girls are so goddamn stupidly beautiful. i want to be pretty, and girly, and feel feminine. why was every girl blessed but me? you are all swans and i am just the ugly suburban duckling. if i knew how to cry my cheeks would be drenched and blushed like fire right now . . . . i hate online journals and all the beautiful people that write in them.

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