Rob's LiveJournal

things that scream in my head
long time no update!!!! i hadn't even planned on getting a journal until Steph went on a crusade to get me to sign up for one. basically i never use the internet unless it is to talk to friends or check out new music. my life is just too damn busy!!! i'm only in my 20's once and i plan to make the most of it by spending it with friends and on the dance floor. ya i go to school every day but its only because i know that i need an education to get anywhere in this world. i always knew what i wanted to do with my life but my interests changed over the years and stuff. i'd really like to spin for the rest of my life but how many old 80 year old gramps do you see dj'ing at your local club? ZILCH. so its ok to do now but i know that it wont pay the bills for the rest of my life. maybe i could spin at a retirement home. I'm FOOLIN. last night i hung out with my friends Aron and Steph. i picked Aron up around 7:30 then we headed south about a half hour to hang out with Steph. she shows a lot of interest in music so i decided to bring my cd collection of over 4,000 cd's and show it to her. Aron just came along because he had nothing to do and because Steph said she didn't care. we got there about 8:30 and sat around in her basement for an hour listening to music and talking. shootin the shit. i told her she could have a Cd from my collection and she didn't want one. when i insisted that she could have one she finally picked Pete Yorn. damn good choice. she's a good friend and a nice girl so i wanted to add a litle to her Cd collection too. we decided to go up to Bella's italian grill, this little ethnic place in down town Celina. i love how it feels like a New York city diner. we ordered drinks and i ended up drinking a daquiri. Aron got sex on a beach, and Steph got a rasberry iced tea. she doesnt drink. we started talking about music and our lives. Steph and Aron got to know one another which is a nice thing. Aron's from Queens NY and Steph was laughing with him at his accent. he's a cool guy though and we all started doing impressions of other people. fuck it was funny. our waitress pissed me off though. she messed up our order and gave us dirty looks. she acted bitchy to Steph so i proceeded to leave her a penny for her tip. what the hell is wrong with waitresses these days??? i would have given her a peice of my mind but Steph would have said not to do that. she doesn't like arguements and shit. i just demand respect and feel who gives a fuck what everyone else thinks. my exgirlfriend Melody made an ass out of me in a mall once after i caught her kissing some other dude in a photo booth. fucking not funny. i was at the mall with another of my friends and she was supposed to be out with her friend Natasha. so me and my boy decided to go to the mall to get some new clothes when we were lookin down one of the hallways and she was in a photo booth kissing some other dude. I was like holy shit!!! part of me wanted to walk away and act like i hadnt seen anything but i was so hurt that i went to confront her about it. my friend tried to tell me to just forget it and not to worry about it. but that was my girlfriend of 2 years kissing some other guy!!! you just dont wnlk away and forget. i went over to her and she acted like she didnt know what she was doing there with the other guy. it turned out to be a guy that she worked at the radio station with and and who was like 10 years older than her. her and him would go out for drinks after work and i trusted her to be cool with him as a friend. i should have known she was playin me but i wanted to trust her. i thought that i did trust her. anyways i walked up to her and she gave me some bullshit story about how they were shopping for something for a co-worker. well i brought up the fact that they wree kissing each other and she gave me some huge lame line about me not trusting her. she didn't just say it either, she yelled it loud enough for everyone to hear. it made her look like the victim and i was some ass of a boyfriend. well shit. i broke up with her and it wasnt easy. she was a good storyteller and a good one to promise to change her attitude. she was selfish though and co-dependent on others. i wish i would have realized that earlier. i later found out that she screwed around on me for most of our relationship with various guys at school and work. for a while after that i was bitter as hell. i trusted no one. i didnt care about anyone elses feelings and i went around with a bad attitude. i let her change who i was. i regret that every day. i deserved fucking better than that! its weird to think of it when a guy says he deserves better because usually its girls who say that. she tried to ask for forgiveness but i could tell she wasnt being true. she was just telling me what i wanted to hear so she wouldn't be alone. co-dependent as hell. i should have saw that earlier. i can admit my mistakes but i have a royal problem with people (like her) that can never admit their mistakes and act like nothing ever happened and want to pick up where you left off. BULLSHIT!!! i have feelings too. well i am not making any consolations now or sparing her feelings. she was a bitch. a selfish co-dependent bitch and user. last time i heard about her she had just had a baby with a guy 8 years older than her and supposedly she has syphillis. dont suprise me at all. she deserves what she got though. i am not into revenge as a tool but you play with fire you're eventually gonna get burned. holy shit i wrote a lot about that. oh well, it feels good to get it out. luckily i had some good buddies to get me through it. Steph and I had just met too and she helped me through it. very nice of her. i remember when she first met me i had just gotten another small hoop in my ear and she came up to me and she says "your ear is infected. you need to get some rubbing alcohol and make sure it doesn't get any worse." ya, first time we met while standing in a line for our books she sees me standing beside her and tells me that my ear is infected. it had been hurting like a sonofabitch but i didnt think much of it. it wasnt like she was saying it to be a snatch or hurt my feelings either. she was really just concerned for another human being. i got that vibe from her right off the bat. last night it was so freaking funny at Bella's. Steph was sitting there talking to Aron about Myk and I was making kissy faces at her. i have never seen a girl more in love with a guy than her. she has got this really happy look on her face all of the time and moves like she's always just about to start dancing because of the happiness in her. i am really happy she has Myk. she's a girl whos never screwed someone over so i think she deserves every tad of happiness she gets. and shit, i never say that about anyone. she reminds me so much of the character in A Walk to Remember which is a movie that just came out. the girl in the film is this really good girl and everyone kind of makes snide remarks about her and tells her how full of shit her lifestyle is. then she meets this guy and falls for him. the character in the movie reminds me of Steph in alot of ways. good girl. i saw the movie with Brandi, a girl i have been kind of dating. i like her but i dont know if i can picture us together long term ya know? i wouldnt have picked that movie to see obviously but it turned out to be pretty good. definitely sad though. i dont know how i feel about Brandi. got no clue. usually its a better sign when you really really like someone from the beginning than trying to get to like them over a period of time. because in my experience you can't force feelings if there arent any there. i used to not be into the whole feelings thing. as piggish as this sounds most girls i used to date were just interested in the booty call of our relationship. i had no problem with that. the only part i missed was spending the day with a girl and getting to know her through her interests. in my past i had more sex exchanged than words. one day i was laying in bed with one girl and i looked at her and i was like "fuck! she doesn't even know what my favorite band is or where i was born. all she knows is related to my body." i couldn't even comprehend that i was one of those people who had sex without love or even like. when i was younger i always ragged on my friends who had lots of sex with girls they had no interest in. one day though i r4ealised that I was ONE OF THEM. I've been with 23 girls. not something i am proud of. sometimes i think its a miracle i haven't gotten into serious trouble with disease or pregnancy yet. but who really knows. i get tested but sometimes aids doesnt show up for ten years i heard. sometimes when i had sex i would kick myself in the ass for risking my future. not only my future but that of my wife and kids. i want to have a family and a good woman to care about me. i wish i could go back about 10 years and apply what i know now to my life then. if i would have done that i'd probably only have slept with 3 or 4 girls. i never even stopped to think that if a girl went to bed with me the first time how many other guys has she fucked in the first week of knowing them? crude but true. i am growing up now. i'm tired of girls shaking their asses at clubs at me trying to entice me into spending one night with them. guys and girls are mostly the same now. guys get a bad reputation for sleeping around, but girls do it just as much. they don't want a guy for a relationship they want a one night stand to feel sexy and desired. well, screw that. not my bag of candy anymore. you see the girls shaking their asses and drinking, flirting with guys. you take them home and have sex with them a few times, next time they're through with you and are looking for someone else. something is wrong with this picture now days. i wouldnt blame a girl for not wanting my ass later in life. i've done some wrong things and bad thigns. i worry i'll meet this perfect and available girl and she wont want me. and it'll be all my fault. that is why i can't bring myself to get involved more with Brandi. whenever we go somewhere i can just see her eyes looking at other guys. so when she meets someone more ripped or good looking than me, i'll be gone. there isn't a connection with her. i'm just passing time and it'll cost me in the end. shit, i have written a book!!! oh well. i hadn't written in a while and i have a lot on my mind lately. tonight it is out to utopia. i asked Steph if she wanted to go but she says her clubbin days are behind her. don't blame the girl. she's got Myk. i look at her like an ideal girl for a relationship with someone. hopefully there is another girl out there like her for me. i'm not steppin into another guys territory just because its a futile battle. she's in love. why cant there be more nice girls? Oh welp, see ya later.

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