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Saves the Day - Hold |
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Alright, so last night I got into an argument with my mom. I'm so sick of her blaming everything that ever happens in this house on me. I started yelling at her... and then I just went off. I think I have bite marks permanently embedded into my left hand. Either that or fingernail craters or savety pin scratches. I was like.. psycho. I couldn't stop. I was so pissed off. If someone would have come upstairs, I'd have killed them. Or just started throwing things continuously at them until they went away. My hand is all swollen and red. I was going at it pretty rough, and I just couldn't feel it. It's like there was nothing happening. I was just digging away with everything I could find, and I couldn't feel anything.
But, now I feel horrible. I've promised everyone that loves me and myself that I do -not- cut. I think it's so gross. But I couldn't stop myself. I'm so upset right now. I'm sure Ryan will just try to comfort me.. but I KNOW Jeremiah's going to get pissed off about it, because he hates it when I do it. I hate it when I do it. She just pisses me off so much. I can't stand being around her. It's like if I do something wrong, I'm the biggest bitch on earth, and I deserve to be sat on by a hippo... and if something that I didn't do happens, I get yelled at for it. Supposedly, every time I get off the computer she has to reboot it. And you know... what really gets me is the fact that she started bitching at me for it when I took the liberty to do the dinner dishes. She didn't ask me, I just did them. And she started bitching at me. She was like "WHY DOESN'T THIS WORK?!" and I asked if she meant the printer, because DAD is the one who uses the printer, NOT me. I NEVER use the printer. DAD prints all his football and horse racing bullshit. And tax returns. And she was talking about AOL, because it froze when she opened it.. and she was yelling at me for it. She was saying that it's MY FAULT that AOL froze. It's MY FAULT the printer doesn't work. It's MY FAULT the computer is a piece of shit. It's MY FAULT that she is too much of a fucking bitch to maintain a decent life. She's always bitching about the "breakdown" she's having ... because my dad talks on the phone a lot because of how he makes money. So she says she's going up north. SHE'S NOT FUCKING GONE YET. She NEEDS TO JUST LEAVE. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I HATE HER. BECAUSE I CAN'T HELP GETTING THREE FUCKING Bs ON MY REPORT CARD, I'M A HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON. god. i'm not a fucking angel child, and she needs to realize that. she can trust me, but i'm not the brightest person on earth. i have to BUST MY ASS to get the grades i get. she doesn't UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE to be a TEENAGER in this era. ESPECIALLY being a teenager who doesn't exactly fit in. So I have to put up with five hours of people I hate. I really do. My first and sixth hours aren't so bad, because first is my favorite class and sixth is my old homeroom.
Second hour blows, because Joey, Katie, James, Kathlyn, Johnny, Mike, Amanda [wkjfnerjkqk i hate her], and basically everyone I hate is in it. They're not so bad anymore... and neither is fifth hour... because Kathlyn doesn't run her slut ass mouth... but it's my fifth hour. I fucking HATE THAT DSKJCKJHNQSHBJ CLASS. I swear to FUCKING EWGDCDJ GOD... if those fucking bitches say ONE WORD TO ME today about my fucking religion, I'm going to RIP THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF AND I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. If they even come CLOSE TO ME the SLIGHTEST BIT, I'll take their pretty little made up faces and RIP THEM THE FUCK OFF. THAT is how pissed off I was and still am. I don't think my going to school is a very healthy decision.
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optimistic
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artistic