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Sunday, June 16th, 2002
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2:32 pm - Well, its over...
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The above title is referring to two things. The first is high school. I am done high school forever. I'm happy, but still a bit sad, because I really am going to miss it.
The second thing that is over is Becky and my relationship. We got back together on June 1st, and were supposed to start brand new, but I just couldn't forget the months before that. I felt as though i had to choose between her and my friends, and after what happened with Glen, I realized that I want to spend my time with my friends that I have neglected, because I don't know when they, or me, might be gone. I just couldn't do it any more, and just hopes that she knows I'm sorry. At least we're still talking. I still feel like shit though.
current mood:  sad
current music: Casualties - The Oi! Song
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| Monday, May 27th, 2002
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10:47 pm - I'm a fucking disappointment.
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I'm talking to Bex right now about our relationship, more so lack of, and how my parents play into all of this.
I basically fucked our relationship up when I said I wouldn't quit helping out with my brother's hockey team for her.
I left out that this was basically the only time he has ever asked me to do something with him that didn't involve manual labour, and was for fun. He asked for help, and I felt I would be letting him down if I just quit halfway through the year.
Helping out there was the only time he ever told me I was doing a good job.
I never talk to him. Even tonight when he came and picked me up from night school, I said hi, and he says absolutely nothing. He says nothing for the whole ride home. It happens every fucking time.
One of the times when my parents were bitching at me for everything that I do wrong, which in their eyes is everything, and I told them not once have you ever said you're proud of anything I've done, only my mom said you know we're proud of you. He said nothing.
Everytime they go on bitch patrol, and find it necessary to complain about everything I do, and how its wrong, I try to talk to them and it just doesn't fucking work. They don't seem to understand I'm unhappy.
I'm not their perfect fucking son.
I wear offensive T-shirts.
A few years ago, when they were, one of the many times, bitching at me about how they didn't like they way I was dressed, I just happened to bring up the fact that I heard all of that bullshit at school, I didn't need it at home, so they suggested wearing different clothes. I replied that I shouldn't have to. To which they replied you can tell a lot about a person by the type of clothes they wear. I said if you like stereotyping, why don't we just assume all blacks are criminals; you were the ones that taught me never to judge a book by its cover. I guess that the rules don't apply to their own son. I guess racism is cool in their books to then, which is absolutely ridiculous. Its not by the way.
I listen to bad music.
The books I read, the music I listen to and the movies I watch are too violent.
Even though I'm a pacifist, they think I'm gonna go on some sort of rampage.
They thought I was going to join a cult a few years ago.
I don't care about my personal appearance.
I don't shave very ofter.
Nor brush my hair.
They seem to think I should, as people may get the wrong impression. Refer to the clothing incident.
I'm not the smart kid I was in Grade 8.
I can't do fucking math as easily as I can write my name anymore.
They don't even know how late I stay up trying to do Calculus, and English, and all of my other classes, and they fucking say they never see me doing homework. I wonder why? Its because they couldn't be bothered to look at my bed when they come to tell me to turn the music down. Its because they're fast asleep and I'm up until 4:00 in the morning trying to get into university.
Why the fuck did I take Calculus and Biology, when I couldn't do them. Calculus is more practical than Finite apparently, but I;m not fucking taking math at university. It certainly doesn't matter if you have a well rounded courseload, because my friends taking arts courses and have the same marks as me are getting in the same places too, so basically I struggled for a whole fucking year to keep my head a float,and it was all in vain.
I guess they just don't care about how much shit I put myself through trying to please everybody. It just turns out that instead of one person/group of people I am involved with are happy, and the rest of them pissed, everyone is fucking fed up.
Becky has been great about helping me deal with all of this, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with being shit on.
current mood: sad
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| Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
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8:07 pm - I'm such a fuckup.
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Well quite the ammount of shit has gone one since I last recorded my thoughts. FATO's show is soon, so I've been practising a bit more than usual. Dan-charge, and one of the vocalists for MESRINE came down to the 'shwa last weekend. I didn't go to the Razor show with them, but much to my luck there was a kegger going on so I went there. Our rugby team is undefeated in season play so far, and I got another try. I've been accepted to Trent, for Arts & Science, but I have to keep my marks above a 70% average. To do so has/is going to be a bitch. I have a lot of ISUs due soon, and am gonna be pulling an English all-nighter tonight. Becky and I are kind of broken up right now. I'm just to fucking busy, and whenever I get a chance to see her, I'm always tired. Its very awkward at school and stuff. I just don't know how to act or what to do. Christ, yesterday I could barely look at or talk to her without wanting to break down right there. I still love her, but she's usually unhappy, and I just can't deal with seeing her like that. She was unhappy because she didn't get to see me, and I thought that this would be the best thing to do rather than try to stick it out, and end up with her hating my guts because i can't spend enough time with her. I know that this ins't a very amicable decision, but I just don't know what else to do. I want to try to remain friends during this period so we don't just end up not talking to one another, but its very awkward. For fucksakes, why does life have to be so complicated.
I don't know what to do..
current mood: sad
current music: Neil Young - Heart of Gold
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| Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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7:25 pm - I'm Back From Our Rugby Tour To BC
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Yeah, well I am back from our tour to BC. The first thing I did was go see Bex. She got a new haircut and it looks smokin. how I missed her on tour. I'm heading over there once I finish my university shit. I just need to clear my head right now. BC was great. Plenty of jokes, and a few new people that I extremely dislike. People such as James Cheong. He's a fucking idiot. He borrows money for breakfast, buys cake with it, then has to borrow more money from unsuspecting people to pay for his breakfast. He bitches about everything. He wanders over to rucks so it looks like he's doing something after we won the ball. He tapes up his fucking ears even though hes a prop and theres absolutely no need. He takes the locks trails when hes not supposed to. He can't hold a fucking scrum up. Our hookers are gonna end up with broken necks if he plays during the season, but he probably won't because Fat Ivy, the other prop will be hooking, and Big Red Steve may come in and play prop with yours truely. I had the best game of my live on Saturday, aside from the fact that I lost a contact lens and got a bloody nose and was sent off the field. I got a try, I picked up off of tackles a lot and gained yardage that way, and there was one ruck that was completely stationary, and i came in, and blew everyone off, and we scored a try after that. It was golden. In aldergrove they ref called the game bacause to many pussies on the other team fell down and scraped their knees. In Cowichan we fucking let the other team score a try with 30 seconds left. It was bullox. Perhaps if some pussies didn't shirt tackle people into our endzones, and actually wrapped the persons legs to take them down, we would have won. I fucking blew it too. I was kicking for the extra points and it was a fucking line drive. Ridiculous I say. Oh well. Plenty of fun a Denny's with Kenny, and i can't wait for the regular season of fifteens to start again.
In FATO news we're playing the dungeon on May 17th. Everyone should go. If you live near Toronto and need directions I'll be happy to provide them.
Dirty Shwa Grindcore is finally coming to a stage near you.
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Gronibard - La Raie de mon Cul c'est une Trousse à Bite
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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10:30 pm - Why...
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Why is it that I fuck everything up? Especially the things that mean the most to me. I'm pretty sure that tonight and last night I fucked my relationship with Becky up for good. I fucking hope not though. I don't know what I'll do if she leaves me. I fucking hate being busy all the time, which is why she's pissed, and rightfully so, but if I don't keep myself occupied I think. Not about good things either. Things like when is Becky finally gonna dump my sorry-ass. Things like how she deserves so much better, and so much mmore attention, and I just can't provide that for her now. We've been going out for seven months and four days today. That may not seem very long, but considering my other "relationships" all lasted under a month, its a long time. They have been the happiest times in my life. I was never happier than the times we just lied together in her bed, her using me as a pillow, or vice versa. I thought we were going to be together for a lot longer than this. We even talked about getting married, and having kids.
Why do I have to fuck everything up?
I used to be good at school. Look at me know. I'm fucking going nowhere. I have no job. No school is going to accept me. I'm fat and lazy. All I want to do is curl up in bed with Becky, but I'm pretty sure thats out of the question now. I'm pretty sure she hates me. If she does really want to break up with me I just wish she'd do it so I could try and deal with it.
I hate putting on this false smile everyday. If everyone, or anyone, for that matter, actually knew what is going on inside my head I'd bet they would be pretty suprised. I'm not that happy, funny, jovial person I pretend to be. I am quite cynical and bitter, and I hate the majority of people I see.
I put my life through Hell for her, and it still wasn't enough. Getting 4 or less hours of sleep a night. Almost never seeing my friends with the exception of the 3-4 hours a week at hockey, or a few hours at band practise, yet I still did not have enough time for her, and I know that. I was supposed to call her last night if I got home from hockey before 12. Due to the fact that I still don't have a lisence, I had to get a ride home with some friends, and there were going to get food after, so I went along. It's my own fault though, I could have called my parents or something, but I didn't. I got home at 1 am. I'm positive that was the straw that broke the horses back. She left a message saying she loved me at around 6 earlier in the evening, and when I talked to her today at school she seemed really distant, and I'm pretty sure she didn't even want to look at me. I Put off homework so I could spend time with her. Fuck, my English still is not done.
When ever I needed to talk, about anything, she was always there ready to listen and try to comfort me. I on the otherhand am only there once in a while for her.
I only hope that if she dumps me she won't get swept away by some other guy while I am trying to get my life less stressful, and busy.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood: depressed
current music: nothing
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| Sunday, January 6th, 2002
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1:00 am - Good fun
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hello all, i am back from my vacation, it was pretty fun but it vould have ben better if becky was there. ohh how i missed her. she is the best. but the first thing i did after i got home today was go and pay her a visit, she was wearing her sexy new contact lenses, and at around 5 or so i moseyed up to the t dot to see mesrine at the kathedral, they put on a good show, and if mike can't find a place for them to stay, they might be coming back here and sleeping in my basement, i dont know what the p and m would think of that.
oh well.
dan-charge said i was a lot bigger than he expected me to be, he was expecting some short scrawny guy, and which i am not, but they were all really cool guys.
on another grind related subject FxAxTxOx has recorded their debut demo CDr and it should be out soon, we just gotta do a layout, write me, or ceck www.scabbombprod.8m.com for more info,
im gonna go to bed and hopefully i wont have to work tommorow
oh yes. i also ddecided to quit my job,
that is all
good night
current mood:  sleepy
current music: mesrine - dave hilton
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| Monday, December 24th, 2001
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7:41 pm - CHRISTMAS RULES
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ok, it doesnt really rule, but i did get my original pressing of the impetigo "faceless" 7" in the mail today. fucking killer, that thing is 11 years old and sounds brand new.
i went up to my uncles today, normally i would have gone snowmobiling, but there was no snow. now im here, and and soon im going to fall asleep.
we had to work out for rugby today. thats hardcore. spending time training for rugby on christmas eve.
in fato news, we're recording shit over the break and if anyone wants a copy, leave a comment or something, get a hold of me somehow. i am also trying to make a fato web page, but with my computer illeteracy and all it may take a while. also theres a tribute to REPULSION in the making, and we may be appearing on it. im happy for now
becky still isn't home, and wont be till wed, but im lonely so im gonna go give her a call
current mood: lonely
current music: impetigo - dis-organ-ized
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| Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
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4:07 am - Agathocles
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FxAxTxOx is supposedly going into the studio to record some songs (7 or 8) for a demo CDr.
http://scabbombprod.8m.com for more info
Becky's going up to her grandma's tommorow.
that sucks.
i already miss her.
she got me a beard/eyebrow/nosehair trimmer and mittens for christmas.
she rocks my socks.
ohh well. she'll be back on the 26th
but then i'm leaving on the 1st
i hate being busy all the time.
on a brighter note, Agathocles is one of the greatest bands ever, if you are ever in europe, i suggest you try and catch a show.
SIEG SHIT
See them shouting in the streets,
Shouting "hail" on a marching beat,
Didn't history teach us that,
Fascist bastards bring us death,
Must we be tolerant?
Or smash them with our own bare hands?
Put them together on a nuclear base,
And just bomb the fucking place,
What we gonna do when it's all too late?
And when there's nothing left on our plate,
No more bullshit like "we didn't know",
When the nazis are heading for another show,
FIGHT BACK - KILL THE NAZI PACK
FIGHT BACK - KILL THE NAZI PACK
Never-Again
Raise your voice and raise your fists,
Because we too are very pissed,
And be aware of the fact,
The nazi-regime must be cracked,
Just smash all the fascist pigs,
Then solve this economical shit,
Socio-anarchism must rise again,
And it will not be the American dream
well said. go fucking Nihilist.
current mood: depressed
current music: Agathocles - Sieg Shit
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| Friday, December 21st, 2001
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12:57 pm - its fucking over
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school is finally over for a bit, although we still have to go in and work out over the break, so we can stay in shape for rugby.
i got 20 mins of rest last night
it was not fun.
it was not funny.
essays suck
responses suck too.
i just want to curl up in bed with becky and sleep for the next two weeks, but unfortunately that can't happen, as shes going away to her grandma's for a bit, and i am going to blue mountain. blue mountain should be fun, but i'll still miss her. i also have to work. and i got some isus due when i get back. today was pointless in me being at school, and yet i still went. why? i dont know. i guess i was already there so i might as well stick around anyways.
oh well, no more school for a while.
i'm going to bed.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Cock and Ball Torutre - Dingo Dong
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| Thursday, December 20th, 2001
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5:00 pm - schools almost done
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macabre kicked ass as expected, i got a very rare shirt for their holiday of horror show, on boxing day. however they did not play holiday of horror and mcmassacre, which was disappointing.
i hate school, i've dropped kineseiology, and am picking up a writer's craft, or canadian history in night school. i have an essay and two english responses that are late, and have to be handed in by tommorow. i love reading books, i just hate writing about them. even when i think i have the greatest response ever, it ends up getting 13/20. its fucking bullshit.
oh well, theres only a halfday tommomrow, but i have to work tommorow night till 1030, i hate work too, and am seriously thinking aobut quitting, but i probably wont. i need money. we also have a rugby practise at 7 tommorow morning, im to fucking tired to run drills that early in the morning. mr gilbrides nuts. we're probbly getting shoulder pads before we go to bc, for free, so thats cool, cuz i was gonna buy some anyways.
krabathors playing on the 27th so i may go check that out. I'm going to see mesrine for sure though, they're playing jan 5th with nitemare, lost and adf. mesrine fucking rules. there hasn't been any good shows since august, and now theres 3 or 4 in a couple weeks.
i really should do my homework now.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: total fucking destruction - madeline albright's sexy
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| Tuesday, December 18th, 2001
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2:24 pm - My first entry, sigh.
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yeah umm, ive come to the conclusion that i hate school, because i have to get up and go to it, and schoolwork, mainly because theres so fucking much of it, i also hate work and am trying to decide wether i should quit or not.
Oh well,
schools almost over i cant wait for that
tonight i am going to see macabre
macabre fucking rules. if you have not heard macabre, i suggest you check them out. especially if you are interested in serial killers.
but i should get back to my homework.
current mood: sleepy
current music: macabre - mcmassacre
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