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Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
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9:23 pm
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Well, the Dave Matthews show was very disappointing. Our tickets that we won from Star were behind the stage in the highest section - I believe that would be the NOSEBLEED section. They were great seats for watching the back of Dave's head all night....otherwise they sucked. The acoustics were horrible too....sound was very garbled. We thought it was because of where we weres eated...but on Star the next morning they had a lot of people call in that were there and who sat in all different areas, and all of them said the acoustics really sucked. So.....we sat through this *horrible* opening act for an hour....Dave finally comes out...and the sounds was crappy. We left an hour into it. The last show I saw was really great, and I didnt want to ruin those memories. Oh well....I am thinking about writing a little email to Star to tell them what I thought about their seating placement.
My feet are feeling better every day....I think I'll be ok for the trip (fingers crossed). The kitchen hasnt even been STARTED yet... (dont ask). I'm wondering if we paid $3500 (half) up front for nothing. I am trying to keep the faith...my instinct tells me he is an honest person. Apparently he is finishing up a job and the woman keeps coming up with all these things she needs him to do or finish. But I am getting a bit frustrated that he hasnt even started anything yet. I need to call him again tomorrow.
I'm also working on a master list of what to take on the trip. :) Cant believe its only 9 days away!!!
current mood:  moody
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| Saturday, July 21st, 2001
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9:07 pm
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So...today my left heel feels a tad bit better...and the pain in the right foot has subsided. I really hope it will stay away. I am so consumed with fear that I won't be able to walk comfortably on the trip. almost makes me not want to go.... :( but I have always been much more of a worrier than an optimist. My glass has always been half-empty.
Not much new....been reading a lot, finished The Mark, and now on The Pilot's Wife, read half of it today, and will most likely finish it up tomorrow. The kitchen STILL hasnt been started....Mike says he will be finished with his current job probably over the weekend and will start here Mon or Tues. I just want it to be finished BEFORE we go on the trip. Not sure why....it doesnt matter, really, since he has a key, whether he finishes before 8/3 or not.
Have a banana bread baking in the oven, to have with tea later. I love the way it makes the house smell when its baking :)
Tomorrow I need to do some laundry...and we'll probably go see my parents for dinner. Exciting day planned, eh? oh well, so goes the life of a boring married woman.
I have to say I was shocked today when my husband and I started talking again about adopting. We spoke briefly about it a while back, and it had all but slipped my mind...but apaprently he has been doing quite a bit of research on the web and has been thinking a lot about it. We are considering it because I have a bone disease that is heriditary and hard to determine in utero... its called "osteogenesis imperfecta." (You can view http://www.oif.org for more info) It's basically a defect in the way the body produces collagen, which is a necessary building block for bones. There are 4 types...from a light case to being so severe that the baby does not survive being born. I had a pretty mid case of it....but growing up especially in the toddler years I was always in casts.... always breaking something or other. After puberty it tends to settle down, but its always there....for example, when I fell in 97, it might have resulted in a wrist sprain for a normal person, but for me, I shattered my wrist and had to have surgery on it. So....we could consider taking his sperm and a donor egg, and having a surrogate mother carry the baby.....or we could adopt. Frankly, from a financial perspective, both options kinda suck. I just don't know.... I've never had a strong maternal urge. I can't figure out if I'd be a good mother....or if I want to be a mother. I know I LOVE being an aunt....but thats totally different. I'm gonna need to think on this one for awhile.
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Friday, July 20th, 2001
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3:58 pm
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So I drove out to the Star 95.7 Studios on Gandy in Tampa today to pick up my Dave Matthews tickets. and the seats are BEHIND the STAGE!!! I guess I have no right to complain, I mean I DID get them for free....but still....BEHIND the STAGE?!?!? Damn. :(
current mood:  angry
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| Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
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7:17 pm
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I went to the podiatrist again today, couldnt wait until Friday for my appt since both of my feet are hurting so badly. Kinda makes your whole life seem crappy when you cant figure out which way to limp cause both feet hurt so badly. So, I went ahead and let them take plaster molds of my feet to make orthotics for my shoes. $425 worth of orthotics that my HMO doesnt cover. They are rushing them so that I can have them hopefully by a week from Friday...so i'll have a week to get used to them before my trip. I need to go buy a good pair of tennis shoes too. So we'll see. They gave me removable arch supports to wear i nthe meantime and raised the heel lift inside my left shoe a bit...so it seems to be relieving the pain in that achilles tendon area. The pain is constant though, and so draining. I cant count the number of people at work today that told me I looked tired. So....I feel pretty down. Correction...I feel REALLY down. Havent felt this depressed in a long time. Just worried, constant worrying that the trip is gonna be ruined cause I wont be able to walk or will be in so much pain. and when i hurt i get really cranky and irritable.... i'm just a mess. I think I'll go over to Joanns and buy some fabric for the new pattern I got....its a pretty guardian angel for a baby...one of my close friends is due in November, so I have to get moving on it......
current mood:  worried
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| Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
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7:14 pm
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Havent felt much like posting lately...I have been reading some really good books lately so I've been ignoring the computer. Waiting for the pizza to get here right now... been kinda down yesterday and today. Kitchen guy hasnt started yet, he pushed it back to Thurs or Fri. Thats ok.
Think I just need some quiet me time.... forgive me....
current mood:  melancholy
current music: some classical crap from the back room
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| Sunday, July 15th, 2001
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9:44 pm
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wow! Had a really busy weekend, hence the late post. Spent saturday at the tampa munch with LordFire, met up with a few friends there, it was really good to see everyone. Even chatted for a bit with E (the dom that ripped out my heart and stomped all over it a few months back) and didnt feel like crying afterwards (baby steps.....). Then we went to Jasmine Thai and had a really nice dinner, and then picked up a few movies (Cast Away and The Cell) and had ourselves a double feature sat night. LordFire was a lot of fun, very very nice guy. Unfortunately, that *spark* just wasn't there (which is what I was afraid of)....and thats why I tried not to get my hopes up too much. All I hoped for was to make a new friend, and I think in that respect it was a very successful weekend. I have to say He was the perfect gentleman....very easy to talk to and laugh with. I think he had a good time too (at least I hope so). But as far as starting a D/s relationship with him? thats a no-go.
So, today I spent the afternoon reading (i love to read on sunday afternoons while snuggling with my lap kitty Mikey) . The kitchen guy Mike stopped by to drop off the floor plans and to work out a schedule, he expects to start work on the kitchen remodel prob Tues or Weds. He also offered to imstall a fan free if we provided it (very cool of him). So we confirmed the size of the window with him...and then went shopping at Lowe's, picked up a nice fan and a window... little by little. I am getting very excited about the remodel finally starting.
Then had a nice dinner at my sister-in-law's Michelle, with Gary and the kids. They are so cute sometimes! Makes me wanna have one....until they start whining about something or other - then the baby meter goes to ZERO really fast I just dont know.....part of me really wants to consider having a baby....but I am really selfish...I dont know if I could really do it. Not to mention the bazillion health risks having a baby poses for me(wayyyy too long to go into on this post). Really the course we probably should take is adoption...but from what I understand it is very hard to adopt a newborn.
OK time for bed for me..... more later....
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Sunday School 97X ROCKS!!!!
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| Friday, July 13th, 2001
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1:19 pm
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Well......like I said it was gonna rain all day.....I'm taking my cat to thevet this AM at 7:30 and its already raining.....arghhhhhh. I *HATE* driving in rain. So I get there and get ready to drop him off, and the nurse asks me to make sure he'd had nothing to eat after midnight... OOPS. Hubby fed him this morning. Damn! Rescheduled for next friday. I just knew that was the start of everything going wrong.
So, I drove back home with him....he got out of it for today, I told him (laugh). Then I went to the podiatrist...I was there from 8:15 to 10:30! They definitely need more help. So, I have an inflamed achilles tendon on my left foot, and both feet are rolling inwards as I walk, so he recommends orthotic devices for my shoes. Oh joy. Like I dont already feel like I'm eighty from all the meds i take, now I have to wear special shoes?!?!??! So, they taped arch supports to my feet and I'm supposed to leave them taped for as long as I can, like 3 days at least.....but the tape's NOT waterproof. More joy. How the HELL am I supposed to shower??? she said to tape plastic bags around my feet with duct tape...like THAT'S not an accident waiting to happen. and so now my pedicure this afternoon is shot to hell. - and now i cant wear the dress I was gonna wear tonight cause i cant wear sandals with this tape all over my feet. the doc promised i'd get relief from the arch supports, and oh did i mention i have a heel lift in my left show too? (I feel like donning a cane and yelling at all the younguns to get outta my yard!!)
So now I'm home and wallowing in self pity. It'll pass.
current mood:  cranky
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| Thursday, July 12th, 2001
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10:00 pm
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Work week is FINALLY over, never thought the weekend would get here. Tomorrow is very packed. I just know its gonna rain all damn day too. If I had *nothing* to do, it'd be sunny. welcome to my world.
My vet called today and left a message for my cat on the machine its the silliest thing you ever heard.... "Demon, pick up the phone....Demon, its Dr Todd.... your blood work came back fine, we'll see you tomorrow for your teeth cleaning." I was laughing hysterically. This is the same vet who, when I held up Mikey so he was standing on his back paws (you have to understand, Mikey's a little.....ummmm....plump) he wriggled his fingers on Mikey's tummy and cried out "Get out the surfboard!" hehehehe I LOVE vets with a sense of humor. Makes the INSANE amounts of money they charge a *little* easier to stomach...
OK time to go to sleep...on top of everything else I have planned for tomorrow, I have an appt with a podiatrist for my left heel. Its been hurting now for about 1 1/2 weeks, when I walk, and stairs are near impossible. It never fails...I got the cortisone injection in the right ankle and its been wonderful, and then my left foot starts killing me :( now I'm limping on my left foot. I cant win.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
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10:06 pm
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well, i feel a lot better after a good meal and some great new tea...i bought a new tea at Target, its called "calm" by Tazo, it has chamomile and morrocan rose petals and hibiscus flowers, and a bunch of other stuff. Its quite delightful, really. I am a tea slut LOL I love all kinds of tea.
I feel better now too, finally chatted with LordFire. I had forgotten He had company this week which is why I couldnt find Him online. He is definitely driving out to Clearwater to visit me this weekend. I am very excited and happy. I will be taking Him to the Tampa munch on Saturday, so He can meet a lot of the people we chat with online. :)
well, look at that, its after 10 already, time for this girl to get her beauty sleep. Have a big weekend coming up, have to build up a reserve of energy
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: atmospheres (digital cable new age channel)
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6:56 pm
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Well, today was much better. Survived all day at work. My ear is doing much better, no more stabbing debilitating pain... hope it stays that way. I am home now... and will be online most of the night. I haven't seen LordFire in days :( now I'm wondering if He's still planning to drive over on Friday. Friday's gonna be the day from hell, I have a million things to do that day. I am just extremely tired, I think from the pain in my ear, its so tiring. I need to go make something to eat for dinner.... I'll be on all night so stop by and say hello if you have ICQ or Yahoo IM.....
current mood:  exhausted
current music: the hum of the computer monitor
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| Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
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6:50 pm
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Had a horrible day today...my left ear is hurting so badly, i was at work this morning and in such horrible pain. Left at 10:30 and went to the chiropractor cause my entire neck was all tight and spasming from the pain....got a nice good cracking which relieved some of the pain. Came home and cuddled up with a hot water bottle and slept till 3 pm...then got up and went to my doctor appt for the ear. I have an outer ear infection... like what the hell is that???? so I got a Rx for GOOOOOOOD painkillers percoset - wooohooooo - and I have to put ear drops in it for the next 7 days. All I have to say is it BETTER heal fast, before our overseas trip on 8/3. The last place I want to be is on an airplane for 10 hours with a throbbing ear. :(
current mood:  uncomfortable
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| Monday, July 9th, 2001
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8:25 pm
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OK, only a few days till Friday and I am already freaking out, I have way toooo much to do that day. One of my cats, the oldest one, is getting his teeth cleaned and I am so paranoid about that - he had to get all kinds of blood work done to make sure he is healthy enough to withstand going under ....so I am freaked out about that - it IS Friday the 13th after all. Then I have to run over to Star 95.7 in tampa and pick up tickets I won to the Dave Matthews Concert (that's on the 23rd , I cant WAIT!! Dave ROCKS!!!) I saw his last show in tampa and I was simply...amazed. It was incredible.
So.......after that I have to schedule a pedicure, my toenails need attention big time...and I am thinking about getting my fingernails reattached too I've had acrylics for 4 years cause I just cant grow my own, and I took them off to let my own nails breathe. But I think they're done breathing I cant stand the way my hands look without them. I am not really a vain person....but not having nice nails drives me insane!!! Especially since I love to wear tons of silver rings. OK so that takes forever having a full set put on.....then I wanted to go to the chiropractor too since my neck has been hurting, I missed my last appt last Friday and I've been getting these damn headaches since.
So then I'll have to pick up my poor kitty from the vet....and that night, I am meeting a Dom from west palm that I have been chatting heavily with online and phone :) I am wayyy nervous about that already..... that's part of the reason I want to get my nails done, so I look nice for Him. The post I did a few days back, about the Masters Creed....in my heart I think that He really does follow that creed and feel that way about those things. and that scares the hell out of me cause if He does.... then He could be the One. We've talked on phone and we have a lot in common as far as our interests in BDSM and where we want to take play... he is driving in Friday night and staying at a hotel, and saturday we are going to the Tampa munch together. I get to introduce Him to all the people from the chatroom.....and my friends from the room. its exciting to finally have something going on in this area.....its been farrrrr too long since my last RL encounter.
current mood:  chipper
current music: REM's new album "Reveal"
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| Sunday, July 8th, 2001
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6:15 pm
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Had fun last night...got together with a few gals from work and had dinner together, I had a kick-ass drink called a June Bug (midori, coconut rum and pineapple juice - yummmmmmmmmy) and then we went to the moooovies, we saw "Cats and Dogs." It was a very cute, very feel-good movie. My friend Claudia and I are both cat people so we had a good time....my other 2 friends weren't so thrilled with the movie, but they didn't want to see any others, so they were stuck . So, I got home around 11:30 last night - trust me, thats a LATE night for me, little miss home and in bed by 10 PM girlie. Today I got up late, like around NOON!! (I know, lazy) and we had breakfast at Bob Evans, then we went shopping for the new kitchen!! Bought a new sink, French Blue American Standard - like $350 bucks (mild heart attack), and a Delta faucet, chrome pull-out model that was $140. So, the remodel in the kitchen is scheduled to start the week of July 16th. I am *very* excited. Then we had a fabulous dinner at Outback, and brought home cheesecake to have later with a spot of tea :) All in all, a very satisfying and relaxing day... which I think everyone deserves once in a while :)
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| Saturday, July 7th, 2001
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11:12 am
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good morning....here are are, another day. Somehow its easier to deal with greedy's passing in the light of day. poor little guy....he wasnt very comfortable towards the end anyway and I know its a blessing in disguise; it's still hard though.
I need to focus more on my inner thoughts. I wanted this journal to be more than just a listing of my daily failures and accomplishments and schedule. I want it to be a place where I can grow and nurture my inner self, discover new things about myself and others, and hopefully make some friends along the way. I was really glad to have found the pagan community, I know I will learn a lot from the posts over there and hopefully get comfortable enough to the point where I feel I can post as well, when I have something to contribute. There is a lot I like about Wicca, how nature and earth-based it is, close to Gaia, and how we are all responsible for our own light and dark sides. I do also like the Goddess aspect...growing up I always questioned why Jesus had to be a man, when it is woman that has the ultimate power of creation. So now its a matter of finding out which path is to be mine, and following it fully and with all of myself. Thats where I am running into a wall I fear....I can read books upon books, but its the practical application side that I am shying away from. There's a local community here that is starting a Wicca 101 class in September, I think perhaps I'll look into that. It would be nice to be involved in live discussions and not just always conversing with myself on these topics - although the good thing about that is I almost *always* agree with myself *laugh*
Another area I want to explore in this journal is my strong attraction to BDSM. In addition to simply being a pervert (of a most wonderful kind!), there is more to it than that...it is a strong craving to find the ultimate Dominant to actually BELONG to. Yes, belong, as in a piece of property. *Feminists all around the world recoil in shock* as did I at first, at this notion....but as I have allowed myself to explore more and really try to fine tune my needs, I have found that there is a certain charm and completion in allowing another to dominate. I found the following on a website, I apologize I do not have the author's information. But this is how I want my Master, when I finally find Him, to feel, completely and totally and 100%:
~~ A Master's Creed ~~
I am a Dominant man.
I am dominant not because of any superiority
on My part, nor because I feel I am necessarily
more intelligent or wiser.
I am not dominant because of the strength
or mass of My body.
I am not, nor would I want to be dominant
with all men or women.
Yet, to you, I am the Master.
I am your Master only after earning your trust,
and I embrace your submissiveness.
I have looked into your heart and mind
and clearly see your desires and passions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions.
You tell Me of the needs of your heart and body.
You have given Me total access to your soul,
and I accept that responsibility and honor.
You are a submissive.
You are not weak or inferior because of it.
You are a treasure to be cherished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are not equal.
I have the strength of body and mind
and the instinctive need to protect,
possess, defend and provide for you.
You are a submissive,
and instinctively STRONGER of will and heart.
Your belief in Me gives Me courage and direction.
Your strength disperses My doubt.
Your needs and desires
encourage and give purpose to My efforts.
We are not equal.
We are halves of a whole.
We compliment each other
and make each other complete.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My desire to dominate you is instinctive.
It is not to degrade you
nor is it degrading to you
because you are secure in being totally submissive.
We each recognize and accept our worth,
and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.
You are sure, strong and proud in your submission.
You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority,
but from strength and passion.
You expect your Master to stand strong
and be a Master.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You desire and flourish
in the strength and control of a true Master.
In return, you present control of your body,
unqualified trust and honesty,
and the faithfulness of your heart.
You submit because I have earned your trust,
and because I have opened My heart and soul to you.
I have listened to your words with My ears and heart
and have learned to anticipate
your needs and emotions.
Because I have proven worthy in your eyes,
you have given Me the only true treasure of life:
you have given Me dominance over you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What you give is not abnormal, but pure,
natural, and the rarest gift a submissive can give.
You have given Me complete and unshakable assurance
of your commitment to Me.
Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift
and sacred responsibility.
I accept this from you with humility and joy.
I understand the rarity and purity of this gift.
I recognize it is your body and soul, your heart and mind.
I dominate you only because you have allowed it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I see your body kneel before Me,
in My mind and heart
you are raised above all other people,
and all the treasures of the earth!
~~~FIN~~~
I'd say that about sums it up. :-) I have spent over 4 years reading and absorbing as much as I can about this lifestyle, and now in the past year I have allowed myself to start experiencing it as well. Yes my heart has been broken a couple times already...but I grow stronger in my resolve to find Him. "Someday, my Master will come........"
current mood:  contemplative
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| Friday, July 6th, 2001
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8:51 pm
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just got home from dinner. Went to visit my sister in law for awhile, she was feeling low about Greedy passing on...she gave me the longest hug, it was like I was saving her from drowning. She is having him cremated and she let Katarina (my niece) pick out a marble urn for his ashes. *sigh* its just so sad... I just feel really down. So hubby took me to my favorite chinese restaurant for dinner...we had lots of green tea and I had satay peanut beef. Was very good..... and i was so irritable and cranky that I ate all of it *grin* i tend to eat a lot when I am depressed. so, no leftovers for miss piggy. oh well...
now all i want to do is go to sleep - thats another thing i like to do when i am depressed, pull the covers over me and disappear. I've felt this way for over a week now.... Greedy dying is just like now i have a *reason* for it where before I didnt, really....
current mood:  listless
current music: soft jazz station
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4:26 pm
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I just found out that my sister in law's cat of 18 years that she raised from a baby passed away this morning..... *sigh* that is so sad, and my niece is only 7, she grew up with that cat always around her. The amazing thing is that apparently my niece is doing better than my sister in law! Kids are amazing... I am so depressed now...
current mood:  depressed
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2001
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6:23 pm
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Ahhhh......dinners done and hubby was so good to me and cleaned the dishes! Cant wait till we get the dishwasher installed. We're doing a complete kitchen remodel - gutting the entire thing and all new cabinets, countertops, appliances etc.... should be done the 3rd weekend of July.
Now, if only the damn community search engine would come up!! I want to meet some of you and I'm so lonely here on my own!!
current mood:  lonely
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4:57 pm
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Yesterday was both good and bad..spent the day with my parents, which at times is really trying. I love them both dearly, but talk about getting on one's last nerve!!! *sigh* its enough to make anyone wanna curl up in a hole and hide.
Had more storms roll through last night...i like it when it storms, thunders and lightnings...except then I cant be online!! and i want it ALL!!
Getting ready to cook dinner now (chicken parmigiana - yum!!) and then I'll relax and get to look through some of the communities here on LJ and hopefully join a few. Hopefully I'll also be chatting with a *friend* I have met on IRC, his nick is LordFire and He is simply the most fun person to talk to that I've met online in a long looooong time...and the possibility of a meeting looms in the near distance :-)
current mood:  bouncy
current music: dave matthews - the space between
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
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1:03 pm
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This is my first journal entry, I am really excited about it..... it's somehow fitting that today is the Fourth of July, a holiday and a day for new happenings. Hope everyone out there is having a great day, lots of good food and friendship and cookouts and family gatherings. Thats what its all about after all.....don't you agree?
current mood:  excited
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