Its so much more different when you live with the person...its different than an unexpected horrific accident...its different than old age setting in...she was nine years old and i had known her since she was six weeks old. This is nearly half my life.
Her eyes and her oneriness will be what people remember. Her eyes were so blue they were nearly white. It terrified some people, but mystified most. Gorgeous. So full of happiness and mischief and bouncing love. She was unforgetable. She ate garage doors, aluminum cans, glue, tissues, feminine napkins etc. She played too rough with neighborhood cats and opposums. She loved any kind of people food, especially chocolate (the ones from my mother's candy dish) and peanuts (she could crack them and all). Her favorite game was "chase me" or "steal the kleenex". She hated lawnmowers (due to a terrible bumblebee incident), hot air balloons and cameras. She loved walks through woods and fields. Bruno was her best boyfriend. First snows were her favorite times of the year. Car trips were treasured and vet trips despised. Pammy was the only one who could wash her without hurting herself. Martha was her favorite baby sitter. Her worst habit was sniffing and poking you where the sun doesnt shine. Her favorite place to sleep was next to my mom's side of the bed. At 8:00 every night her favorite activity was to sleep at my mother's feet watching NYPD Blue, CSI or whatever while my mother read.
Like a child to my parents, a sister to my sister and a best friend of mine.
I'll remember all the walks, all the camping trips, all the scarey times she ran away, all the illnesses, all the howls, all the sneaking food, all the playing, all the wrassling, all the sleeping and all the troublemaking.
The house is too quiet. But I know she is not suffering. My heart hurts and my eyes are swollen. I love her all of my life and with any luck we'll see eachother again.
~Rest in Peace~
Keisha Diamond-Blue McFarland
1995-2005
My First Panick Attack in a long time came tonight after I viewed my grades and saw that I ruined my perfect gpa with two B's and only three A's (making it a 3.8). I cant believe it. Then trying to look up information about my possible transfer schools (Madison, Evergreen, ISU, Wellesley). My heart was racing, my head spinning, I couldn't breathe, I could feel a migraine coming on and I couldnt sit still from all the anxiety. I am terrified of making this decision. Terrified to the point of shaking and gasping for air of my future. Afriad I will fail. Afriad I will make the wrong decision. Afriad I will waste money and time. Afriad I worked so hard for nothing. Afriad of myself. Afriad of moving away. Afriad of growing up. Afriad I am not strong enough. It's so terribly ironic that I am not terrified of standing in front of thirty rotten, self-centered, pubescent teenagers I dont know and attempting to make English interesting and worth while (in fact I am thrilled at the challenge), but this one decision makes me need to vommit and then dryheave.
Possible Decisions:
1. Take a Semester Off (Spring 2005)
A. Do Early Summer School to transfer by Fall
B. Finish during summer, Transfer to University Spring 2006
2. Take Only One or Two Classes Spring 2005
A. Finish in Summer School to Transfer by Fall
3. Take All Four Classes Registered for in Spring 2005
A. Transfer in Fall
B. Move (maybe take a class) but dont Transfer Fulltime until Spring 2006 (take fall semester off)
*1.A.
Pros- Get Some Major TLC in for myself, start healing, come back refreshed, have time to work and save money, dont feel like I failed
con- may not be able to transfer, may not want to go back, may be too stressed out over the summer
*1.B.
Pros- Get Some Major TLC in for myself, start healing, come back refreshed, have time to work and save money, not as rushed as 1.A.
con- feel like I failed, may not be able to transfer, may not want to go back, may be too stressed out over the summer, may add lots of moving complications
*2.A.
Pros-Get Some Major TLC in for myself, start healing, come back refreshed, have time to work and save money, only one class during the summer so still have time to chill out
con-
3.A.
Pros- Feel completely accomplished and successful, a lot less complicated
con- get burned out, wind up taking a semester off later
*3.B.
Pros- Get Some Major TLC in for myself, start healing, come back refreshed, have time to work and save money, get to know new home
con- feel like i failed a little, may not want to go back
*Assuming I can be a part-time students and still receive the aide i need both from my parents, their insurance and the government
General- Assuming I can hack it at all
i wish i could live in Never Never Land. where pirates where my biggest fear. where i can hide in the jungle and eat jungly fruits if i want. where i can swim and listen to bed time stories. where i never have to grow up. never never.
im refusing to think of my future (because I have been doing it since the day I was born). im also refusing to have contact with the outside world. im refusing to send in my app. for fin. aid and evergreen.
i cant even bring myself to do the things i enjoy- i.e. paint, read!, write, watch movies, take pictures, dream, create...
i just sleep, restlessly and breathlessly
"can't you all just get in the same boat and row with me for a while"- rodney carrington
this was christmas for me, as i had anticipated. my ibs/anxiety was really acting up. i thought my intestines were going to push through my abdominal wall. painful. but i enjoyed the pool and ping pong. they are so old and so frail. i remember when they were like super heros or gods to me- my grandparents that is.
christmas in ill. was better. i love my parents. in denial of them aging as well. kiesha is on the downward slope again. she enjoyed her gingerbread cookies though. it snowed here! only a bit, but enough. glad the mad retail season is over.
bleh, no energy to finish this
So I don't have a simple bacteria. I don't have mono. I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea. I don't have bacterial vaginosis (anymore). I do not have anxiety (anymore). I do have two very wicked ear infections. I do have a yeast infection caused by the antibiotic for the ears (my second one for the same problem this month). I do have a bowel problem and it has reached the severity of going to the gastrointerologist. I do have severe depression (requiring the max. dosage of Efexor or a new med.). I do have a sleeping problem (requiring sleeping meds.). I do have a virus of the throat, which I have had now for two months and which the doctors cannot identify.- in short...I feel like a million dollars (worth of horse shit).
I used to enjoy the holidays. Working retail makes me hate them. Art Mart does so much for its customers (i.e. we special order, make phone calls, give free stuff, have sales, wrap for free and are leant with exhanges- unlike most stores and certianly not like the only other toy store in town; Toy R Us), yet our customers insist on being a bitching and demanding as can be. NO more stupid questions. NO more rudeness. There are only a few days left. I will smile in hopes of phychosymatically creating holiday cheer within myself. Only six more days left of hell.
So I need to get the "hell out of dodge" (I can only afford a day trip this winter vacation) these are a few ideas, advice?:
1. Take a Trip to Chicago
a. see a show/ production
b. shop
c. make no plans just go
2. Visit the Wolf Park in Indiana
3. See a Show Within Driving Distance
4. Visit Allerton (meditate, write, take pictures, enjoy nature)
5. Visit Turkey Run or Other State/National Park (do the same as above)
6. Get a Massage/Manicure/Pampering
Any suggestions for an affordable price for one person?
I'm sittin' here thinking, Which period of Art do i prefer more?
-We've got your super cool prehistoric (that alwas gets left out), but come on, without it....well because of it I know art/music/creativity is innate and not learned. So bamn! Still partial to neolithic.
- Art of our ancient near east, which only rocks cause its the near east, but mosques truly do blow my mind away. Eqyptian- Not my favorite and I like middle to Amarna. But those tombs rock like nobodies socks. Aegean- ????? Maybe I could do without this one.
-Next Classical art- a little too idealistic for my tastes, but you can't do without it. Michelangelo is a god and so is that Statue of David. Even those the Romans pretty much copied the greeks, they were necessary.
-Christian Art- Byzantine is so awesome, because they got away with having no real horizon...just floating people. Plus I am a fan of books and therefore a fan of illustrating books. Not to mention the catacombs under venice!
-Renaissance- Anyway who knows me knows that while Christ may not be my homeboy, the passion of such works steal my heart.
-Baroque- It is the cathedrals that get me. So creepy and twisted and gothic. I like dark things.
-Modern Art- By far my favorite. In here you've got my dawg, van Gogh, the romantics, the impressionists (Monet!). All kinds of branching out starting to happen. Admitting of mental disorders in works (Edvard Munch).
-20th Cen.-Contemp.- Do I have to say anything more. Although satyrs and nymps catch my fancy, organic and mixed media and experimental and all kinds of breaking of taboos is my thing.
***Further analysis suggests I am least partial to prehistoric to classical. Still I can't pick one favorite. Romantic?
I feel cheated. In some ways my big pompous head grows bigger and in others, I feel so cheated. I paid all this money (rather my parents) and now I will only have to catch up. Damn, the liberal arts be under-funded and un-appreciated.
Note about immigrants and minorities-
My professor (the one who brought you the 5 Languages of Love) made the greatest point ever or rather could write a whole book on this idea and blow every fucking sociologist out of the water. Why Black people can't get out of the rut? (to say it crudely)
Here is the pattern of other immigrants: Come over poor and working class. Moves into Little Italy, Little Korea etc. some ghetto with an organized crime/protection unit among like ethic people.They work in the resturant essentially. Second generation owns the resturant. Third generation become doctors and lawyers and move to the suburbs. This can not be contested.
So why aren't the 18th generations of Blacks becoming lawyers and doctors? Until about the 1950 (even later if you want to get technical) there were actual laws prohibiting this race or ethnic group, unlike any other immigrants. And who is to say they are even immigrants? Immigration implies "of your own free will", which is not the case for them. This explains why they feel so oppressed, why they are still so oppressed and why many americans can still be so racists (even if it is "passive" racism- which is to say they are in denial).
I had never heard explained this way (its been they are lazy, they are just too oppressed, they like it that way, genetically pre-diposed). I like this explaination and see its rational much clearer than the others.
Also Note: Stop fucking hyphenating people. To say that someone is African-American or Asian-American is to say they are a sub-category of American! And remember to say you are an American is to say you belong to the Americas, so stop oppressing you latino borthers and sisters! Plus my family has been around a lot less than most blacks have. If anything I am Irish-American. And I am sorry, and Africans will agree with me, they are not African. They really are more american than even myself.
Next point of interest: I dont think I can do another semester right away. True, I have only eight hours left to transfer. True, I have the apps all filled out. True, I could push myself? But should I. I feel like a star who is almost out of hydrogen (=no nuclear fushion= rapid expansion=implosion). But if I take a semester off, what will I do? Work more and where? Do more things I like? Hopefully. Rest? Hopefully. And still there is this sense of failing. I wish I could stop time to heal. I dont want to die, I just need a break. I am so torn. So many goals, living so fast and where is the fun? Where am I running to? Where is the ME time? Where is the bliss of doing what I love? Already I pray for retirement, grandparent status. I crave to skip over this period of life and it is supposed to be the best. ack?
Highlights:
-My dog looks like a cancer victim
-Finals are next week-an ironic slavation
-I am going on my fourth month of being dredfully sick
-Jon wants to start over? BS
-Trying to think with positive energy
-Cleaned mounds, of steamy dog shit all weekend and nursed super-needy dogs
-Angry, scarey dreams abound
-Got Elmoish sock-slippers fo Advent!
-Got to dance with baby Jacob and decorate Barb's lawn with bras!
-Unresolved, terrified, ill-at-ease, lost, sluggish
-Happy Chanuka!
How do I scream loud enough?
Have A Happy Turkey Day!
(only i hope it tofurkey instead and if its not, please pray for that little turkey's soul and ask for forgiveness and hope karma doesnt come back to roast you in the butt. and if your family eats a ham instead or maybe a chicky...i hope you dream of its dieing squeals and squakes during your nap tomorrow afternoon)
(Also remember that the pilgrims and the indians didnt really get along and thats just some bullshit story made up to make you feel better on this racist holiday. so as you stuff your face remember how the white man gave the native man small pox, how they stole their land, murdered their women and children, hunted their scalps, killed their buffalo and lied lied lied. as you cook in your electric stove and drive you car or watch the Macey TGD parade, reflect on what the native is doing today...praying they get their holy lands back? suffering the plight of our progress? trying to hold on to their hertiage? cussing out the u of i? wishing mother earth would exterminate the parisitic white man?...)
fine print: brought to you by your hypocritical, 1/32 cherokee neighbor just trying to get into the holiday spirit
Can I express my fear and excitement that the Bush administration is jumping ship? Those bastard republicans (this has become a good channel for my rage) were all like, "can't change the quarter back half way through the game!" (leave it to americans to use football as a tactical analogy). Well the whole team is quitting half way through the game. Part of me would like to believe that this is revenge, that the war really is that terrible, but another part of me is scared of the far rights up to bat (see how i just used the first all-american sport in my metaphor) and what if Powell and company know something we don't. Either way I can't wait to rub it into my fundamentalist, military brain washed republican grandparents over christmas (this is what the holidays are for, right? family bonding.)
( More Commentary Brought to You By Me )
fuck you for fucking me the first time
fuck me for letting you fuck me the second...third...fourth...fifth...
i am so angry i could concievably kill right now. ok so not kill...but damage something very expensive. i cant believe what an idiot i have been. silly me thinking someone might actually want to take care of me without any ulterior motives. silly me thinking people change and grow up. silly me for letting people get inside me like that. i hate that i hate. i hate getting so worked up. why do i do this to myself. everyone tells me to surrond myself in caring people...i do...but then they shit all over me...re-affirming my negtive self-image. how wonderful. why do i waste my time?
gawd please send down an angel or whatever you call them and rescue me from myself...end this.
people lie
people lie about stupid shit
people lie about stupid shit even when they love you
people lie about stupid shit even when they love you and even when its not stupid
do you accept the lies?
do you move past the lies?
do you deny the lies?
do you punish the lies?
can you hide from them?
can you identify them?
can you fix them?
can you ever forgive them?
"Civilian hospitals organized to give care to the wounded and sick, the infirm and maternity cases, may in no circumstances be the object of attack but shall at all times be respected and protected by the Parties to the conflict." -- Geneva Conventions IV Article 18
May Fallujah Rise Up and Kill The Beast of Corporate Whores and Dictators With Their Mindless Minnions. My Prayers Are With The Innocent and The Wicked- May You Find A Light In These Dark Times. May The Raging Bush Machine Crumble In On Itself, and Cease To Brainwash The US and Destroy The World Through Mass Markets, A-Bombs, Baby- Killers, Hate, Fear, Ignorance and Injustice.
http://portland.indymedia.org/en/2004/1
I woke up at about 6am this morning, restless from worry (I had only been asleep for four hours). When I woke up they still hadn't decided on Ohio. I could back to sleep with more ease. I knew if there was a supreme being it would make the right choice and not allow such a horrible administration inhabit the white house another four years.
Then I woke up at 10:30 and immediately sat down with a chocolate bar and CNN- "Breaking News: Bush Wins Re-Election". No exaggeration, my limbs started to convulse involuntarily. I thought, there must be a mistake, the news called it too soon, what happened to ten days until counting the provisional ballots, Kerry will fight this, he didn't win the first time how could he now... But there was no mistake, my (scratch that) your country voted for a murdering bigot to run (sratch that) ruin this country for the next four years. Then the news caster goes on to explain that Bushism spread throughout the Senate and the House and now the Supreme Court.
Then I gawk at the result of gay marriage not passing in all eleven states (not even Oregon). Pot was not legalized in Alaska. Tim Johnson was re-elected (hey Illinois if you didn't vote for Bush how could you vote for bushism?)!!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. I just couldn't believe it.
Now I sit and think...it is my duty to stick around and "make the change I wish to see in the world" (Ghandi). And I will, but after yesterday it has become apparent that this country may be capable of change but not soon enough. I cannot raise my children here and I plan to start before I am 30 years of age (about ten to twelve mor eyears). I absolutely refuse to raise my children in a war mongering, biggoted, hateful, christian fundamentalist, racist, sexist, misguided, ignorant society that still wants to place me as a second class citizen! My children will not be forced to live in a country where their mother(s) are second class citizens. They will not have to seccumb to breathing polluted air simply because the dictatorship, masked as a freely elected individual, is butt-fucking the oil companies. My children will be able to afford college and their dreams. My children will be able to learn and play in a society of equality and freedom of expression. They will not have to vote in a bipartisan election. They will be considered adults before 21. Their government will look for diplomacy before bombs. These countries exist...in more than one place and many more are following. I am not speaking of an unrealistic utopia for it exists! My children will not suffer through the anxiety of another election like this.
My biggest hope for the next four years is that nothing significant takes place. He passes no significant legislation. Iraq settles. Then a new president (Hilary Clinton? Obama?) can come in and fix his fuck ups.
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