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Tofu! [21 Mar 2002|09:08pm] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | Alisha's Attic - Inevitable ] The Vegan Diaries: Day Two Went shopping for vegetarian food. Ended up getting a quart of soy milk, some bean sprouts, tofu, veggie burgers, and soy-based hot dogs. Made a tofu stir-fry for dinner with all the normal stuff plus bean sprouts and tofu substituted for chicken. (Dad stuck with chicken.) After cooking the stuff and staring at it for a few mintues, I tried it and it was actually good! The tofu started to stand out after I ate a bit more, but that could have just been because I ate so much. I made way too much of that stuff...if it's possible, I'll get a smaller thing of tofu in the future...it might be easier to drain, too. At first I thought there was a cloth on top of it in the package or something, then I opened it up and saw that it actually looked like paper or cloth cheese...it's scary looking and weird-smelling, but on the whole it's not so bad. Vegan cookbook time this weekend, I think. I kinda just slipped into the whole lacto-ovo thing today. That's probably gonna have to be where I settle, but if I can head for the conservative side of it, I will. (Conservative my arse...I had an ice-cream sundae for dessert...) I just didn't like the soy milk enough to drink it all the time. I mean, I'll drink the rest of it, but I'm not gonna go totally nuts with it. I like my real milk, and chocolate is good, too. I hope I have enough stuff to try those vegan brownies... Billie doesn't think I should be vegetarian. She said something to the effect of, "You know what I think on that." and I was kind of like...no...I don't...but didn't say anything. She's one of those, "Do it if it makes you happy" people, which explains why she doesn't think my whole Monkees/Nez/Peter thing is terribly unhealthy... Tomorrow night I shall have a veggie burger, and Monday will be a day for those not-hot dogs. I would have pizza tomorrow, but I just haven't been in the mood for it. Ah, you know, this lacto-ovo thing won't be so hard as I thought...I was already semi-vegetarian without really thinking about it...so all I have to do it go more veggie for stuff. It's kind of expensive, but I think Dad's right; if I go to Price Chopper, I could probably find the stuff at a better price. The bean sprouts weren't such a bad deal; I just have to figure out what I'll have the rest of them with...mebby with muh burger tomorrow. A tiny bit of butter...I have to remember this isn't really a health thing, it's a weight thing, and I have to regulate other stuff even if I'm just going lacto-ovo. But I'm really looking forward to that veggie burger! One last note before I stop with the food stuff: tofu smells highly of beans when you cook it! And it needs to be drained and squeezed like crazy. End Vegan Diary For the Day Uhh...what else is there to talk about...oh yeah! I found this original printing of a "Learn to Play Like the Monkees" book on eBay...there were 17 mintutes left in the auction and I couldn't do anything about it. Dad was in bed and nobody would get up to try and find his registration info, and even after I tried signing in with my Hotmail addy, it said you needed to be 18, there was this whole form to fill out, and there were only 3 or 5 mins left on the auction...so I pined for it whilst I watched someone else get it...but I do want to get one of those pictures off of allposters.com. It's only $5. But right now, priority is saving, not spending, although next week I'm gonna get 2 more Monkees vids and, at some point, I'll get the listing from Columbia House and see if they've got the eps I want that aren't on 2-ep video ("Monkees in Paris" and "The Devil and Peter Tork") and if I can get them without buying the "introductory video", which has the pilot on it...and I definitely don't need a repeat of the pilot...it's sad enough that I have one copy. Oh, this is for you, Billie: *apologizes profusely for being too Monkee-oriented and boring on the phone!!* Let's see...oh, these HHGTTG scripts are so far from the books at some points. I must check and see which books were out when the show was on the radio...*goes to look* Oh man, none of them! No wonder he was making it up as he went along...I still could have sworn that HHGTTG was actually out in '74, not '79, but whatever. But seriously, it must have been hard to write the books with the whole radio thing hanging over his head. He kind of stuck with parts of the story, but changed some other things, like Trillian's involvement in the whole bit, and all the stuff that comes between the scene on Magrathea and the one in Milliways. I am tired. I must finish my Nez video tomorrow...it's due Saturday. That stinks! I wanted to watch it more than once...I'll just get it out again soon or something. I wonder if I can renew it...probably not. Oh well, I guess I'll have to indulge in it tomorrow! Pleh! An hour forty of everything tomorrow 'cause I'm down to three courses, unless you count photography...I really need to get a photo essay done for that! I might just go with the music thing, if I can dig out my old tape recorder. Oh well; VU releases their spring course schedule on the 30th, so I won't be bored to death for long. Just a week and a day. Bob IMed me tonight and told me she went to Matt's wake. It was open-coffin, for heaven's sake! That's awful. And she said they had some of his poetry up. It's like they try to make people overly-depressed. I really can't go to anything like that for him...the funeral or anything. I wasn't close enough to him. I'll be there for people if they need it, like if they want to talk, but I can't go through all that for someone I barely knew. I prayed for him the night I found out, and I feel like that's doing my part. If I'd known the extent of his problems sooner, I might have prayed for him then instead of after the fact. I shouldn't shun people who have those problems; I should pray for them. I took the day off today...I stared off by reading too long, then being very turned off to the prospect of doing school because of the fact that I have to do the hour forty of everything...so I ended up looking for virtual courses and coming up pretty much empty-handed except for the exact date of VU's calendar. Then I looked for publishers and found two prospective ones! Yey! I also found a page to help me write a query letter, 'cause one of the publishers requires that. I don't know why I did a publisher search...I guess I realized that I don't look actively enough, and something in me went, "Look!", so I did. Hopefully I'll get at least some prospect with one of them...I need to send in the other 37 or whatever pages of poetry I have to get copyrighted, which reminds me that tomorrow I must finish my stuff for camp! Anyway, one of the publishers only accepts 2% of the work submitted to them, so that's a long shot. What kind of publisher only does 3 books a year, two of which are contests? Gah! Well, at least I'm kind of making headway. I should submit a song to Hilltop. All right, it's late. I'm orff! (Finished at 10:21pm) post comment

Vegans [20 Mar 2002|08:30pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | Kermit and Ladysmith Black Mambazo - African Alphabet Song ] The Vegan Diaries: Day One Made the decision today to become vegan, or at least lacto-ovo. I am just too fat. I'm sick of gaining weight or just maintaining a really unhealthy nasty-feeling one. I haven't gotten on a scale in a couple weeks, but I can just see that I've gained weight in my stomach, arms, and face. The face is the worst...I look like Nick Carter. So, I've been exercising every day, alternating my abs/buns workouts whether I feel like doing it or not, and I've been thinking about other ways I could lose weight. Then I remembered that I saw someone on Rosie the other day who had become a vegan and lost weight because of it. I thought...well, number one I don't get enough vegetables to begin with, and I'm already a semi-vegetarian by choice, so why not? I looked at some vegan recipies and books, and also some yoga vids, and it all looks good. I broke the rules already today...I can't help it...we have zero vegan stuff, that and I really don't think I'll be able to pull off total vegan. I'll have to go lacto-ovo at least long enough to finish some of the stuff we've got here. My Pringles have cheddar cheese powder in them, for example. I don't think Mom and Dad are too happy about this decision, though. They seem to think I'm starving myself or going on a diet. Well yes, it's a diet in one way, but in another it's a way of life. It's a healthier way than the way I've been eating. And if I'm lacto-ovo, I can try those No Yolks noodles...but I dun think the pasta we have has eggs in it anyway. Ah well, I'm looking to get at least one vegan cookbook and that guide to going vegan so I can actually know what I'm doing and not deprive myself of stuff I actually need. And the yoga video doesn't really have anything to do with going vegan; I just want to take up some form of yoga. I don't even care if it's not "true" yoga...it says it burns fat, and I need to get my cardiovascular system into better shape. So there goes...let's see...$30 something out the window just for improving my lifestyle...that plus the cost of food. I realize that the people I admire are too skinny. I don't want to look like Mr. Beanpole Nesmith here, I just want to feel better and look better and actually have a figure instead of a flab bucket punctuated by partial muscle. I don't want to lose as much weight as my brother, although I'd like to know how he did it, the lucky duck. Yeah, so he's too skinny, too, but at least he's able to lose it. Pleh, I hang around Mom too much. So tomorrow, when Dad and I are out for our drive, I'm gonna buy a single serving thingy of soy milk, just to try it, and maybe tofu, if I can find it. Tofu's one of those things that people say, "Oh ewww!" to all the time, but I've never tried. After all, people always said ew to Brussles sprouts, and I like those. Here's my shopping list so far on the "better lifestyle, lose weight, vegan/lacto-ovo me" plan: Video: Crunch - Fat Buring Yoga Books: How It All Vegan!: Irresistible Recipes for an Animal-Free Diet 150 Vegan Favorites: Fresh, Easy, and Incredibly Delicious Recipes You Can Enjoy Every Day Becoming Vegan: The Complete Guide to Adopting a Healthy Plant-Based Diet Food: soy milk couscous tofu veggie burgers All the "food" list is on a to try basis right now until I find out what I like. That's one of the reasons that I want to get the vegan cookbook(s), is to find some recipies and stuff that I actually like. I'll make other people eat it, too, if it's my night to cook, hehe. End Vegan Diary for the day Pleh, John is away. He's always away, except for last night when I got to talk to him for about a half hour, maybe not even. He's at class and rehersal a lot. He was un-idle for a while just now, but still away. I IMed him and put "*leaves you a message*" but he didn't reply. He's idle again now, so maybe someone else was using his computer, or he just checked in really quick. I want to talk to him again, seriously. He seems to want to talk to me again...where is what he said last night...here it is: I hope we cross paths again sometime in the future. It was fun talking to someone face 2 face who can hold a conversation. Which, to me, roughly translates to the fact that he wouldn't mind seeing me again. I've thought about him quite a bit lately, even though I barely know him, right? Heh. I read my horoscope for this month and, even though I don't believe in those, it said something about meeting someone you were destined to meet or something like that. Seems a bit coincidental, but I'd consider this more an act of God than an act of the planets *weird planetary sounds*. I'm going to make a tape of myself singing and bring it to Rev the next time I go. I hope I can go either this weekend or next. Probably not next 'cause it's Easter weekend, in which case I wanna go this weekend. I don't know if Mom and Dad will let me. But I really want to go again...I like the people who run it, and they actually remembered who I was when I went this past weekend, even though it had been a month since I'd been there last. They wanted me to sing, or at least the one guy did, and I was like, "I can't do that on cue!" and he said, "You see, you have to learn to be more spontaneous!" I took my Monkees tape out of my bag at that point to help inspire me, and he asked, "Is that all you?" and I told him no...but that gave me an idea! I've got three songs so far...two are covers and one is an original. I want to do one more cover and one more original before I actually make the tape (all this is on the computer right now). I just can't think what to do...I've done a Monkees song already so no more of them...I'm thinking Aa, but I have to pick a song and "Just The Way You Like It" seems to be okay, but I can't do it quite right. I guess I'd just have to sit down with it and do it. I did play around with it a bit today, but nothing official, and I didn't even try the backing vocals. I cannot harmonize just by listening, if at all. Maybe I'll just do it straight, no backing vocals. Or just double up the vocals at some points like in "I Don't Think You Know Me". Dunno! I'll have to expiriment. And since I have babbled and babbled now and am sufficiently tired, I'm off. post comment

Quick Update [18 Mar 2002|09:50pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Joydrop - Cocoon ] Not too much to say...John's away, so I'm not talking to him right now...I wish he wasn't. He was away yesterday night, too. I should just e-mail him or something. And Ben has not gotten back to me yet! Argh! I watched some of the Nez in concert vid the other day. It's really good! And, although Nez might be a bit of a moron, he's funny. The five-second concerts are great...and the bits where he keeps talking about naming his songs illogically ("That last one was called 'Joanne'. I was gonna call it 'Ethel' or something, but that seemed a bit too over the top...") Bob told me Scar killed himself...I'm not quite sure how that affects me...I'm a bit shocked, yes, because I didn't know he was in it that deep. I knew he had problems, but not problems that bad. And now Jess is all depressed 'cause she really cared about him even though he had a lot of issues. On the other hand, I'm so far from everything that he did and was...and I haven't seen him since 8th grade. But on the other other hand, I practically grew up with him. We went to the same elementary school, for heaven's sake. So I feel a bit awkward...kinda sad, but like I should be more upset, but like this is impossible, and also like I'm not in that circle, so why am I bothering? It's really strange. Hurm...if Bob did leave a message, I'd better go erase it...then hit the sack or write a bit then get sleep. I'm off. post comment

Luke, Mall, John, and a Great Day! [16 Mar 2002|10:33pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Michael Nesmith - Two Different Roads ] Today was seriously one of the world's best days ever! *jumps around and claps spastically, a la Mike* Okay, okay, I must start at the beginning. I got awakened at around 5:30 this moring, possibly even earlier because it was 5:33 when I finally looked at the clock. Of course, I couldn't get back to sleep. So I just got up with the alarm went off at quarter of seven, took my shower, and basically did all the morning stuff, plus I wore makeup today. So we jammed off to driver ed ("jammed" is my verb today, seriously), and we drove/rode around the city a bit near where Al lives, then we got back and stood around inside, out of the rain, and "#7" tried to throw a Lifesaver into a trash can on the first floor from literally the third floor balcony. After that I came home, had a soda, talked to Mom and Dad for a bit, did some work, totally forgot to eat and take my iron pill, talked to Kim and Invis, then headed off to Billie's to pick up her and Luke. All that went pretty well; there were a couple minutes when we weren't very clear on how Flo was going to get to the mall with us or how we were going to get to Rev (youth group) afterwards, but that got cleared up, and we hit the mall. We went in Best Buy and I bought the K-PAX soundtrack, finally! Yey! Then we just hung out, waiting for Flo. We walked around a bit, then went out front of where the cinema is...she showed up about 15 minutes late, and we went to play DDR. We had to wait for these two other oriental guys to finish before we got the machine, and they were really good, which made it all the more embarrassing when Billie and I failed "Boom Boom Dollar" on soft. But that was okay; we laughed about it, then hit up FYE. That, my friend, was a good move. After looking at ML2 for about ten minutes, wishing it wasn't almost $13 and that I had more money (hey, it has Saginaw on it; what can I say?), I popped over to the TMBG section. I said something to the effect of, "Oh wow, they have a lot of TMBG." and this guy behind me goes, "TMBG? You've caught my interest there." It was kind of funny because around that time Mom came back to give me the cell phone, which she'd forgotten to do, and I was thinking, 'Do I make conversation with this guy or not?'...and I did. I am seriously so proud of myself, still. We got to talking about other TMBG stuff, and I asked him his name...and we kinda shook hands (I think he kissed my hand, but that was kind of fleeting thing and I really can't be sure...but I think he did), and we just started talking and didn't stop for almost an hour. Billie and Flo were jumping around and making faces at me behind his back, trying to distract me, and I didn't let it get to me...I started grinning but I didn't laugh...then Luke came up and was like, "Hey man, didn't I see you in DC?" and John (that's his name) was like, "Uh, no?" and I said something to the effect of, "Maybe he met your doppelganger." I don't know if Billie and Flo put Luke up to that or what, but anyway, John and I continued to talk, and my original companions (lol) went down to the Coffee Beanery. I told them I'd be down in about ten minutes, and I don't think I got down there for about a half hour. But too bad! I had a great time talking to this guy, and we exchanged AIM names and e-mail addresses (I'm talking to him right now, actually). At one point, we were talking about writing, and I told him about camp and Paine Hall and my Vert story (not in-depth, just that I got the idea from Ouija stuff), and we started talking about the Ouija, and then I said something about the Bible and he was like, "I'm gonna stay out of that one." and I said something like, "Oh you're not a Bible person?" and at first I thought he said he was gay then I was like, 'Oh, he said wiccan.' So we talked about that for a while and I told him how I don't really care what religion people are as long as they don't try and push it on me, which he seemed to appreciate. Man, we had such a great talk. It was cute kinda, 'cause when I figured it was time to get back to the other guys, I was like, "Could I bother you to walk with me to the coffee place?" or something, and he was like, "I was going to anyway.", which I thought was very nice. I still can't believe I just struck up this conversation with a guy, a guy I don't know in a non-camp setting. I dunno about the wiccan thing, though. I thought about him a lot at Rev (more later) and wondered. I really don't care, but...eh...it's hard to describe. It's not descriminatory, but you know how it is. So, after that, we went down to the Coffee Beanery, and I met up with Billie, Flo, and Luke, after which we proceeded to go to that store with the chairs out front, and Flo went in to find someone she knows that works there, and Luke didn't want to go in, so we stood out front until Billie and Flo dragged us in to look at a shirt, and we ended up sitting in this little lounge type thing in the middle of the store (leather-like chairs, potted palms, dim lighting, the works) instead of looking around...we just sat, talked, and mellowed out. Seriously, that was out theme today: mellow. It was great. Then we went over to Friendly's, and I proceeded to be the only one to have dinner, unless you count Billie's root beer float and Luke eating some of my fries. That was rather uneventful, except that we all ruffled Luke's hair for no reason. I was just like, "Can I ruffle your hair?" 'cause I wanted to, and he was like, "Sure." So all three of us did while we were waiting to be seated. After Friendly's, we were gonna walk Luke out, 'cause he had to leave...and we ran into Neko, Al, and Josh! It was cool...we had several group hugs and talked for about 10 or 15 minutes. Flo ended up walking Luke out, and then we all went downstairs and parted company so Flo's mom could drive us to Rev. I had a pretty good time there, too. We had a short worship, then we talked about staying away from sin and repenting for sins you've committed, and also a bit about the youth center they're going to build. Flo and I are going to try and go to the planning meeting for that in April. And, of course, we just hung around before and after. And now I think I've got to go to bed...it's 11:30! Ack! Well, that's my day in a very large nutshell! post comment

I hate this... [09 Mar 2002|01:41pm] [ mood | lethargic ] [ music | They Might Be Giants - The Bells Are Ringing ] anemia - a pathological deficiency in the oxygen-carrying component of the blood measured in unit volume concentrations of hemoglobin, red blood cell volume, or red blood cell number Man, I feel like crap. I have a headache and a stomachache, and on top of it I'm tired. I'm not so sure I like driving at 8:30 in the morning...it makes it feel like about 6pm when I get done, even though we're through at 10am...I wish we'd just go shopping or something afterwards. I really wanted to go to the mall today and get a cup of coffee. I haven't been out shopping in weeks. I suppose that's all right, though, because I'm broke, plus when I earn my allowance I owe it to Mom. I should just start working for Dad; I really need the money. I hate going into the Christian AIM chat and finding a roomful of supposed "Christians" arguing with one stupid antagonist. It's like...are you stupid? God gives you the strength and the ability to ignore these morons, and you don't do it? It's the whole "kick the dust off your feet" thing all over again! I mean, if someone won't listen to you after the first three times you tell them that Jesus loves them and God will save them, and all that...how do you expect them to believe you the next eight thousand times? If they're not ready to accept it, then they won't accept it and you're wasting your time. Like I said in the chat today, you can tell them about it, but the rest is up to them. Pleh, and I'm light-headed, too. Being low on iron sucks. Hopefully it'll pass soon...these iron pills had better work, because I hate taking them. That and for some strange reason I'm still not as hungry as I should be, and I'm gaining weight again! Argh! I lost those lovely, lovely, lovely four pounds unintentionally, and I got so used to feeling four pounds lighter...and now I've gained two back and I feel fat. I can't exercise as much as I want to, either, because I'm not supposed to "exert myself". Maybe I'll just exercise anyway...I went to the dance yesterday, didn't I? Besides being tired, there was no negative effect there. Blah do I feel fat. All right, I should go. We'll be leaving to see Billie's play in about ten minutes. I've heard it's a good show, and I think I need a laugh. And I'll get to see Billie, Luke, and Collin! So I'm off. post comment

Dance, WOOT! [08 Mar 2002|10:40pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | Sir Mix-a-Lot - Baby Got Back ] Woohoo, dance tonight was so good, I'm still half-deaf. I'm kind of worried about it, though, because my ears haven't felt like this probably since the BSB concert in 7th grade. I hope they're better by the morning...I really couldn't help standing by the speaks. One, Neko and Josh and Jen were there, and two, the lights and beat were better up there. I wonder if Joe likes me. He seemed preoccupied tonight, and I wanted to ask him to dance, but I wasn't sure if he wanted to or if I wanted to...and I miss Ben. I really do. I thought about him when I was being a wallflower. Know what else I did when I was being a wallflower? Well, I talked to Joe, for one. But later on, I nearly had a Nez fantasy. Is that not unhealthy?? Seriously, I was standing there, thinking about how much I dislike it when I want to dance with someone and have nobody to dance with, and suddenly who has their arm around my shoulders but good ol' Nez, my fantastical image. I tried to change him to Ben about three times and it seemed to work. It was actually pretty weird and a little scary. Bit of a "psychic vision"...he had on a jacket a la "Monkees in Paris" and I didn't see the pics for that until about 20 mins ago. This dance wasn't as much fun as past ones, but it was still pretty fun. I'm kinda glad I went, but also kinda sad that Sarha, Kim, and Nicole left so early on. Yes the music sucked, yes I requested PVS 4 times and the Dolenzic forces of the universe ignored me, but heyyy, they played some good stuff ("Baby Got Back" hehe). And now I should go, because I'm tired and must drive in the morning. That and I can't even type anymore. Nighto! post comment

Here Are My Harry Potter Matches... [05 Mar 2002|09:14pm] #1 = best match #1 - Hermione Granger #2 - Professor Minerva McGonagall #3 - Professor Alastor Moody #4 - Professor Severus Snape #5 - Neville Longbottom #6 - Sirius Black #7 - Lord Voldemort #8 - Rubeus Hagrid #9 - Harry Potter #10 - Professor Albus Dumbledore #11 - Professor Remus Lupin #12 - Professor Gilderoy Lockhart #13 - Draco Malfoy #14 - Ron Weasley #15 - Fred/George Weasley post comment

Hey, Hey, I'm... [05 Mar 2002|09:03pm] Take the Hey Hey, Which Monkee Are You? Quiz AAARRRRRGHHH! I'M MICKY! I can't be Micky! I'm not Micky! I refuse to accept the fact that I'm Micky. By the way, here's what the other things say: Davy - I'm short, I'm British, & I'm better than you. Mike - Back off or I'll sue you and I'll hit you too. Peter - I'm not a dummy, I just play one on TV. post comment

Church and Helping [03 Mar 2002|04:53pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | (No idea) - I Heard it Through the Grape Vine ] Church was good today. The sermon was about keeping your faith strong and growing in it as you move on in life. Also, there was some about not losing heart just because a few Christians are hypocrites or do stupid things, and some about not blaming other people for the stupid things you do. Overall, it was pretty darn good, although communion...I don't like it. Number one, it always gives me indigestion or some form of sour stomach, and number two, it never really does anything for me. I feel more fulfulled when we do a worship and when we look at verses and the pastor talks about them. I know Jesus said, "Do this in memory of me," but I've always found communion to be very ritual. Ah, I don't know. I guess sometimes I also find it embarrassing. I never know how people are going to carry it out at any given church, and I feel uncomfortable with bread in my mouth in church. Don't ask me why, it just doesn't feel right. Anyway, like I said, overall church was good. I wish I had friends who would actually appriciate any effort I made to help them get saved, but Beth is very touchy about Christians vs. wiccans and Neko...I know it would help her. She needs it, she really does, but no matter what I did to that effect I don't think it'd work. She believes strongly in her religion (I've watched her give thanks in Japanese before) and she's just not a Christian. Like I've said before, even if she renounced being wiccan for one reason or another, I don't think she'd be able to be a Christian. She just wouldn't be able to accept Jesus into her heart because, for one, she has had so many bad experiences with Christians in the past. I thought of her when the pastor said the stuff he said about not being turned away from Christianity just because a few Christians do something wrong or against their religion, and also when he said that we should bring people, help them get saved. I would bring Neko-chan if I thought it would help...and who knows, maybe it would. Maybe I should suggest that she come sometime, not to convert her, just to let her see what we do at this chruch and that Christianity isn't just people condemning you and telling you that you're going to go to hell for not being Christian. In fact, the pastor made the point that, if you accept Jesus and start to turn your life around, you will be forgiven. God will forgive you. And, like I said, I wouldn't try to convert her. I just want her to see that this is something that could be really good for her, and possibly even help her through things like what she's been going through lately. I'm glad we went to chruch today...I missed it last week. Although I didn't do too much else that was worth anything today...I ate some lunch with Mom and we watched "The Fairy Tale" (again, hehe, third time for me), then I played some with my Sims, then talked to Holly and caught up on my backlog of e-mail, then I came here...I really have been on this computer too long today. Although I have to say that, whilst it takes some getting used to, this desk is really cool. Well, that's it for now. I hope PL gets on earlier tonight...haven't talked to her in days. Also I hope Neko-chan gets on so we can talk...pleh...see ya. post comment

Me... [02 Mar 2002|10:01pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Staind - Fade ] *sigh* Poor Neko-chan. I just read her diary entries for the past few days, and I had no idea what she was going through. I wish she'd open up to me when these things happen...I feel very left out when things go on and suddenly I don't know anything about my friends' lives anymore. I guess I shouldn't feel like that. I should be feeling more for Neko and less for myself, but that's how this whole thing makes me feel: left out. I feel like...like I should be able to hold Neko-chan when she cries about stupid things like Blue...like I should be able to be there for her. Like Josh should pick me up, too, and take me places with them. That's what I always thought being a teenager would be like, you know? Hanging out with your friends, not being stuck at home all the time, not feeling left out from your own friends. God, does all this happen just 'cause I "divorced" Bob? I should have known better not to "marry" her in the beginning...I shouldn't have been so blind and overly caring and worried...but now that we have parted ways, even though we still talk sometimes, I think maybe that's the reason why I'm not in the middle of things anymore. Does anyone ever say, "Hey, let's get together and go to Sam's house and just hang for the afternoon"? Or "Hey Sam, we're going to Josh's to play video games, want to come?" Nope, hardly ever. Josh invited me once to go out to dinner, and I had to drop out of that. Nobody except Billie ever invites me to go anywhere or suggests we do something together. Neko-chan makes the effort sometimes but most of the time...I'm the one left out. I always used to dream about being 16, about being able to drive, about a life with my friends and all that. I always used to think about hanging at Borders like we did that one time and then all came back to my house...I love that kind of thing. And it doesn't happen...it hardly ever happened before, and now it never happens. Again, I'm the one taking the initiative. I've tried being a rock, an island, that sort of thing, but it depresses me. I start to miss people and going places and all that...I just can't seem to distance myself from my friends even if things they do -- or don't do -- hurt me. I know that stuff I used to think about was mostly dreams, but can't at least some of it be a reality? Josh isn't a stupid person...I know I don't know him that well, but he seems like the kind of person who remembers you...he remembered me at the mall, he invited me on Valentine's night...so why can't someone, maybe not even him but he's the most likely candidate, remember me the rest of the time? I'm being selfish, I think. Maybe not; I have a hard time telling. I'm sitting here babbling about myself while trying to talk to Neko-chan and telling her that I'm here for her...and I am. She's just got to take the opportunity, and keep me filled in. You know, I actually miss having my friends call me up with their problems and just spill to me. I miss being the shoulder to cry on. When did that stop? Was it after I came home from camp, so changed I didn't even have fun with my own friends for a few hours? Was it after Bob and I stopped being friends? Or was it even before that? When I lost the ability to be caring to Bob and just got frustrated with her? When I suddenly stopped being able to find advice for others, possibly because I needed so much of my own? What am I to everyone now? Just the Monkees and Pratchett-obsessed spazzy hippie chick who likes imitating accents? The friend who's always been there? Am I being ignored or taken for granted? Or am I just being paranoid? The worst thing about all this is that I know, if I give someone like Neko-chan the link to this, all I'll get is, "Oh Sammy, we love you, we never mean to leave you out, it's just that..." and an explanation. Or maybe just an, "I'm sowwee, Sammy!" And that won't help. I mean, maybe it'll make me feel a little better, but it won't change anything. All the sorry's and the "we love you"s in the world won't change anything unless things themselves start to change. Unless people start remembering me, remembering I exist, remembering to include me. And not in things like pounding R, like Neko's suggesting to me right now. I said no...that's not something I want to be a part of. I want to be a part of a real friendship, like the one I have with Billie. That's real...I believe. I hope. God, listen to me. I start out talking about Neko and end up going on about myself. I really do feel bad for her, though. It's like...I wish I could have done something because I know how sensitive she is. And I can't dump any of what I've just written on her. I wish PL was on...she's good to talk to, and she doesn't mind it when I just need to vent. But now...I must consider the time and think about getting to bed if I want to be alert for church in the morning. Oh yes, and I found my lyrics diary if I didn't say that already...night... post comment

My HHGTTG Character! [28 Feb 2002|09:18pm] Which Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy character are you? post comment

Sad Songs, Monkees Willpower, and Tiredness [27 Feb 2002|09:32pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Monkees - If I Ever Get to Saginaw Again ] I took the time to really listen to that song *points to "Saginaw"* today. Problem is I was in the car and nearly zoned out and started crying. It just sounds so...sincere and real even though it's just a song. The way he sings it...it's more moving than "Shades of Gray", sadder than "Wish We Never Met" (which is a Kathleen Wilhoite song), and even touches upon some of the nostalgia of "As We Go Along". But it's unique in itself. Nez, Nez, Nez, the things you do to me with your music... I hope Ben really didn't get caught with porn. I don't trust Chloe or whatever her name is to tell me what's going on. But something must have happened 'cause I haven't seen him in quite a while. If he did get caught with porn, I'll be very disappointed in him. The funny -- and rather embarrassing -- thing is, I was thinking earlier that maybe he'd feel really bad if I told him I was disappointed in him...? I don't know. I just don't know what to think. Porn? That dun sound like Ben. I mean, he's made porn comments but only twice...one was a joke and one was irony. Like I said, I don't know. See, now I feel all summer-y. I have that tight feeling in my chest that means I just want to cry. Maybe I should put "Saginaw" on and get lost in it and get the tears out. What they're for, I really can't say. Driver Ed orientation was today. I got a good time slot: 8:30am-10am Saturday morning. Hopefully I'll have some nice people in my car. The teacher guy is a bit weird, but he's cool. I nearly laughed...he's an older guy and he wrote his name up on the board...his name is Albert. Like, Albert? Death's assistant? Okay, so he's not a 2000-year-old wizard who talks crudely, but I had to stop myself from laughing since that was the first thing that came to mind. I've had a lot of willpower with these Monkees eps. The plastic is still on them, and Neko-chan is coming over tomorrow to watch! Yey! Four new eps for me! Granted one is the pilot where they were all young and dorky, but still, I wanted to see that one. And they've got Davy and Mike's screen tests at the end! Also, good songs in all the eps. "Daily Nightly" is the song for Fairy Tale...woot! Speaking of the Monkees, I'm finally to the last section of my Discworld/Monkees crossover. Hopefully it'll be done soon and I can start my cute script idea, which I developed more today. It'll be funny, especially since Davy will twinkle at Neko's character, and Neko will continually hide from it. Boy am I tired. I hate being tired. Even the vitamins aren't helping. Hopefully the doctor will get the test results back tomorrow like they're supposed to, and I'll know exactly what's going on. I am so freakin' tired that my eyes feel swollen. I need to put sheets on the bed, but I don't even want to do that. I should have just done it when I got home today. I say that all the time. And I've been having this feeling at night that I want to write poetry, but I'm just too tired! I guess I should end this entry and go to bed. Nighto! post comment

Lyrics - If I Ever Get to Saginaw Again [27 Feb 2002|09:28pm] If I Ever Get to Saginaw Again by the Monkees (Nez, specifically) If I ever get to Saginaw again, A locale that's somewhat off the beaten track. Get to see the girl I never saw again Who must know why I have never ventured back. We we young, And so alive And now I wonder if she'd cling to me, Become my very own as she did then, If I ever get to Saginaw again. If I ever get to Saginaw again, It won't be in spring with meadows turning green. It won't be to tangle with the law again. And it won't be with someone one only seventeen, Who gave her love, And made me hers. And when you find the one you're dreaming of Who thinks to ask, "How old is love?", Not "when" You may never get to Saginaw again. If I ever get to Saginaw again I will get to see son who bears my name. And perhaps I'll quietly withdraw again When I see the little man that he became. And how I yearn To watch him grow. A father's love is maybe all it takes To not repeat those sad mistakes of men If I ever get to Saginaw again. 1 comment|post comment

Mixed Tapes and Masterpieces of the Tired [25 Feb 2002|09:42pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Monkees - Do It In The Name Of Love ] Eeeeeeeeeee (a la Brenda), more Monkees eps! But I must be a good girl, good girl and not watch them until Thursday when Neko comes over, yes yes! Pleh, stupid doctor's appointment at 8:20 in the morning. Oh well, I agreed to it, therefore I can't really complain. In another way I can, because I am not looking forward to it and find the whole business disgusting, annoying, and possibly unnecessary, but it's always nice to know. Man, I hope Luke calls me soon. What's the point of asking for my phone number if he's not gonna use it?? Man, I really want him to call. I probably sound all stupid and teenybopper-ish, but it's true. Ben never called me. In fact, he has disappeared! I hope he shows up again soon. I miss him. Man, the Monkees are hilarious on double speed. Mike sounds like that mouse from Cinderella, Jaques or however you spell it. I am quite tired. I should go to bed, like now. But there are no sheets on my bed. I knew if I didn't do it when I came up I wouldn't do it at all. Oh well, I'll do it tomorrow; it's not like I don't sleep on a bed with no sheets once a week, anyhow. This entry has no purpose. I noticed that. I'm really too tired to make it have one. And I'm not going to be able to finish my spontaneous tape tonight, either. I doubt I'll even get done with this side. It is quite...odd...I made a list and am taking Monkees songs from everywhere. I should do an Aa tape or something else like that. I have way too much Monkees, but they're good to drive to. So's Train. I should make a copy of Drops of Jupiter sometime. That's it for now. Dat's all, folks! The end, good night. (Ben with porn? WTZF?) post comment

Stuff, Stuff, and More Stuff [22 Feb 2002|10:44pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | no idea...it's an oldie ] Just a quick entry before bed. I finally found a desk I want! It's a corner desk, and it'll require a bit of re-arranging (some of which I did tonight), but overall it should look nice and hold everything. It's nearly twice the size of my current desk, so hopefully it won't be as crowded when I get it set up. I want it tomorrow so bad, but I don't know if Dad'll want to go to Sears after driving around the city all day. Oh yeah, get to experience city driving tomorrow! (And there was much rejoicing. Yey.) I can't believe I started crying at the doctor's office today. It was so embarrassing! I don't want to talk about it, really, especially since I'm so tired I'm practically asleep now and I've got to sleep tonight...a lot. I just don't want to have an exam. Like, ever. Spoit...I had some good fun skating on Thursday. Al came, and Neko, and Katie, and Krystal showed up with one of her friends. I also complimented this hippie girl on her hair. I swear, she had great hair and this hippie shirt. It was so cool! Pleh, I wanted a journal so bad today. Those journals are the grooviest things I have ever seen, seriously, especially the Day Dreams/Night Dreams one. But I had self-control, partly because I have too many journals and notebooks already, but mostly because I have only $5. I must earn my allowance to pay mom for the Monkees pilot ep vid, which is coming on Tuesday along with Captain Crocodile and Fairy Tale. Woot! I shall be inviting the Neko-chan over on Thursday to watch! Wednesday is the driver ed orientation thingamabob. Hopefully I won't get the 7:30am driving slot! Arrgh (your wife is a big hippo)! All right, that's it. Nighto! post comment

Movies and Christianity [20 Feb 2002|11:10am] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Ben Folds Five - Kate ] Why does everybody think A Beautiful Mind is such a great movie? It's disturbing, and the first hour and a half is mostly boring. The best part is like...the last half hour of it. It's not even very romantic. The main guy is smart, but stuck-up, and crazy, and half the time you can't tell if he's hallucinating or not. It started to get to the point where I just couldn't stand it anymore. Where that government guy and his roomate and his roomate's niece are all looking at him and he can't get away wherever he turns...it was really screwed up. I can't believe I wasted a movie pass on that. I'd rather see Return to Neverland, and I still haven't seen the Lotr movie. At least I had those movie passes instead of paying a full $6 to see things... And yes, I have started posting lyrics here. I decided it's too much of a pain to go back to OD and re-open my diary thing. It's like...I don't really care anymore. I can't remember half the lyrics I had in there, and I hardly ever updated or even went to the site. I like LJ anyhow. I wish I knew how to mess with the prefs, but since I don't, I'll just sick with it the way it is. I should do things today. I've thought about doing the dishes, and practicing my uncials so I can re-do my final calligraphy project, and I definitely have to get my photography test and my half-hour of Latin done, as well as practice the piano. The only thing I'm really happy about is the piano. It's weird...I'm starting not to like being home on vacations. I kind of...lapse into summer. I don't like it. I shouldn't feel bummed and tired and crap. I know I haven't been eating right, either. That's the thing...I was really worried yesterday, because that thing from the summer where I didn't want to eat at all started to come back. I think that was in part from the movie. I was eating tons of snack crap, and of course suddenly there's the scene where he's digging into his own arm and there's blood all over and I'm like, "Okay, I'm trying to eat, go away." But then I got home and I knew I was really hungry, but I just didn't want to eat. Then this morning I was thinking about what it would be like to go an entire day without eating. That kinda bugged me because part of me thought it might actually be fun. And now all I've eaten today is some mini donuts, and I can't eat anything else until dinner now because those darn things are so fattening and I haven't been exercising. Why am I worry about this? God...help me with this one. I should be praying about it, I really should, or at least trying to turn it over to God. I helped Neko find the Bible verse last night where Jesus tells his disciples to abandon villages that won't listen to them. She wanted it so that she could get Erica off her back. I don't blame her, really...Erica treats it like Neko's being wiccan is a disease. Neek told me that Erica asked her to tell people about her "situation". Being wiccan isn't a situation anymore than being Christian is! It's a choice that Neko's made for herself. Perhaps it isn't the best choice, or the technically "right" choice, but it's her choice and nobody should try and make her be something she's not. How would Erica feel if Neko tried to make her be wiccan? Neek wouldn't, of course, but still, think about it. Erica would feel violated and upset, which is mostly how Neek feels when her old Christian friends try and make her be Christian. The point is...Neko can't be Christian. She just doesn't believe it and can't accept it, so even if she renounced being wiccan, it really wouldn't be any different. In my case, I like being Christian. I know I've said that people choose religions because they're convienient to their lifestyle, but that's not why I'm Christian. I'm Christian because I know that my life needs some serious straightening out, and I see how great it is for people who have accepted Jesus and found God, and I want that, too. I know God is there for me and I want to be able to turn things over to him and not be so worried about stuff all the time. I want to know what's right for me to be doing, and finally pay attention to the signs God is giving me (especially the ones about not having a singing career!). Anyway, I lost my point in there somewhere and made a ton of others. My original point was going to be that I didn't point out to Neko that the very same verse (Mark 6:11) says that whosoever doesn't listen to the word of God will be, technically, doomed on "judgement day". I didn't want to do to her what Erica does, but I am a bit worried that Erica will take that part of the verse and try to pound Christianity into Neko with it. God wants us to spread the good news, yes, but not to dominate people with it. Love thy neighbor as thyself, kind of thing. Nobody ever said love thy neighbor as thyself only if they're Christian. There are no exceptions to commandments and other such similar things. Well, I should go before I spout more, and Dad needs this line anyhow. I want to write some more, too. Later. post comment

Lyrics - Shorty Blackwell [20 Feb 2002|11:05am] Shorty Blackwell by: the Monkees Shorty Blackwell, Shorty Blackwell Be friends with me, be friends with me Shorty Blackwell, Shorty Blackwell Be friends with me, be friends with me I'm feeling very bad today Another cat came in to stay He's eating all my food He's speaking very rude He's gonna change the mood I'm feeling very bad today A red balloon got in my way It followed me around But never touched the ground What can I say? He built a house upon a hill Ask him if he's happy and then give him a pill He's going mad He bought another car today Ask him if he's happy, then turn the other way He's going mad (repeat several times) I'm feeling very bad today Another cat came in to stay He's eating all my food He's speaking very rude He's gonna change the mood Black and shiny now you've finally Gotten everything you've wanted And you're taunted by the power That you really don't want anymore Everybody's talking faster Hurry up, get me a master I don't have much time to lose And besides I'm polishing my shoes Crossing the street Watching your feet Or you'll die in a thunderbird light Wishing with all of your might That you read the newspaper that You forgot to buy today How will you know what they do when they say Say (repeat several times) I'm feeling very bad today Another girl came by to stay I can't think of a word To tell you what I've heard I've been away (x10) I am my? (repeat and fade) post comment

TMBG, buy.com, and OD [19 Feb 2002|08:36am] [ mood | hyper ] [ music | Weird Al - This Song is Just Six Words Long ] Bleh, stupid buy.com says they'll send an e-mail about the cancellation within the next business day, and what do they do? They dun send it, the foos! I say spoo to them all! Spoo, I tell you! Oh well, I'm gonna re-do the order from Barnes & Noble anyway. Open Diary deleted my MusicalTork diary! Pleh! Well, that just means I'm gonna have to start putting any lyrics I like in here...I think...maybe I'll just re-start my MusicalTork thing, or maybe not! I don't know. Oh man, in "Fingertips" by TMBG, I love the part that goes, "What's that blue thing doing here?" It's hilarious. Well, I must be going to take a sheee-yower now! Mom and I are off for a day o' fun at the ol' mall! Geez, I'm talking strangely today! Perhaps it's because I woke up to PAC&J; and am now listening to stupid TMBG things. And of course I stall and someone else gets the bathroom. I had this dream the other night with Ben in it. I remember very little about it...I think I was kissing various inanimate objects in an attempt to get to Ben or something. It was extremely strange, and I remember walking around trying to sing the harmony to some song or another that was probably a Monkees song. I was with somebody at some point, but I couldn't tell you if it was Ben or Peter. I think if it was Peter, I would have remembered because I never dream about him. I really do have to go now, so I'll see ya later. post comment

Sleepover and Ben Again [17 Feb 2002|08:36pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Monkees - Shorty Blackwell ] Check it: I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Bard Ranger Alignment: Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'. Race: Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance. Primary Class: Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit. Secondary Class: Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy. Find out What D&D; Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan! Found that in BT's journal. I love quizzes like that. Anyway! I went to Billie's last night, and we headed off to youth group after eating quite a loverly meal of spaghetti and Italian bread whilst watching my Monkees eps (which brings my total viewing count of that tape up to three times!). Youth group was pretty fun; I like the people running it. They're a young couple with a really cute little baby son. They talked about how they got into doing things for the church, and I could really relate to some of the things because they talked some about how they were before they found God. I still have some problems with that...I want to feel that feeling they say they had when God first touched them. Maybe it'd be like those feelings I used to have when I was a kid, those really connected feelings. (Kayaking piece again!) I'm taking all these stupid Emode tests. Don't ask why I'm such a sucker for this kind of junk, but I am! I can't help it...I love magazine quizzes and their facsimilies. I accidentally said I loved Ben last night. I was talking to Billie, and it was about one in the morning, and we were talking about guys. I got on the subject of Ben, of course, and I was talking about how I really like him and suddenly I just said, "I love him so much, I do," or something like that, then Billie gave me this, "Oh my God, do you know what you just said and did you mean it??" look, and I realized what I'd said. I didn't mean I'm in love with him...but I really don't know where it came from! I can't possibly be in love with him because I barely know him. But I do like him a lot, that's for sure. I don't know what else to say. I'm really tired and I have parts of "Shorty Blackwell" running through my head (that's all your fault, PL!!). So I'll be off...think I'll write a bit then go to bed. post comment

Monkees Vids and Japanese Speeding [13 Feb 2002|10:13pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Train - I Wish You Would ] I don't know about tomorrow...Neko's mom? Driving? I don't think so! Goes 70 in a 45 zone, that kinda thing. I feel veddy unsafe in such circumstances. And I don't think Dad'll want me going to Josh's, and Bob will probably already be there...I don't want to just say, "Oh yeah, Bob'll be there..." I don't even know if I want to associate with her. I still don't talk to her at dances. It's like...she's still everything I don't like. And Al isn't coming. Josh made a reservation for six...they might end up with four or five. Ben's heading off to NYC. Maybe he'll get online whilst he's at a friend's house. As for Luke, I don't know about him yet. I want to know if he likes to skate, 'cause then I could ask him to come with us over break, but if he doesn't like to skate then I want him to come to Barnes & Noble with me. Duuuuuude, my first Monkees vid came today! "Monkee vs. Machine" and "Some Like It Lukewarm"...they were great! The former was actually funnier than the latter...the latter was too short to really develop the plot at all, and DUH, obvious that Davy was gonna fall for that girl. I could have done without the butt shots in "She Hangs Out". But I quite liked them! I think I'll watch them again...tomorrow...and again and again, haha! Well, not too much else to talk about...I'll be orff now. post comment

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