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Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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12:40 am - Ooki hako de ikimasho ^^
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Okay. I'm in a better mood tonight. No, things aren't better with Nanny...But I think I'm just finally accepting that there's nothing that can be done about it. I'd be depressed, but I'm trying to avoid that, since it causes issues -.-**
So I'm in a good mood. Ruka put me in a good mood. I'm not really sure how...but she did : ) Hee.
Oh, and I'm happy, since I can definatly go to Equinox this weekend. Finally...a vacation from being me :P Yay. I'm looking foward to Friday now...I hope this good mood stays with me until then (when I'll be in an even better mood ^^).
I'd type more...but I'm cold. And it's late. Damn you and your caffiene pills, Miki-kun...Damn you :D I'm *still* awake...
-Michi
current mood:  awake
current music: Take On Me - Reel Big Fish (Yay for Baseketball ^^)
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| Sunday, March 10th, 2002
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9:02 pm
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I'm so tempted to just say "fuck the world" right now...But I don't think I can. It's not the world's fault that I'm angry/depressed/scared right now...or that I can't get anyone to actually understand how unhappy I am...or that I feel like no one around me cares...I swear, everytime I step back into this house, I start to feel like shit again. I don't think I've ever hated my own home so much as I do now...
Cthulhu was fun today. I've wanted to tell Ruka about it (and just talk to her a bit..) but she hasn't been around all day. Oh well. Just my shitty luck anyway.
Aside from Cthulhu, I suppose today's just another quickly moving & worrisome day. My dad told me that Nanny's probably not going to make it too much longer. She's still bleeding...they can't stablize her...and that means they can't do the surgery. My parents won't let me go to the hospital to see her. Maybe it's better that way right now, though...I think I'm absolutly break down if I went right now.
I'm not exactly sure how I've been dealing with all this over the weekend. I swear, if it wasn't for the fact that I was a mess on Friday and I told most my friends what's going on, no one would even know what's happening; I've been pretty calm & cool around everyone else...That's kinda sickening. I'm usually an easy person to read, emotionally. I guess it's all happening so fast that I've had to just block it all out. I suppose I'll pay for it later...Stopping your emotions is unhealthy...I'd know. I'm always telling everyone else that. And now I'm the one who's blocking myself out.
I hate my stupid, screwy emotions. I hate people for not caring. I hate the world for fucking me over, just when I thought things were going well for me. I think I just hate alot of things right now...I'm not usually a very angry person...maybe it's all just coming out now.
I think I just hate myself most of all right now. That's really horrible...I was the only person I had left for myself. I don't even have that anymore. I feel unstable. What the hell am I talking about? I have no clue how I feel right now.
Now's the point in my entry where I restate the fact that I feel completly alone and disconnected. Maybe I'll become a recluse and not come out of my room until this is all over with. I suppose if anyone would actually miss me, they'd stop by and say so. It'd be nice to see someone cares.
Ok. I'm finished now. Back to pretending I'm fine and faking out the world some more.
current mood: Empty. Alone. Terrified.
current music: Drive - Incubus
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12:06 am - "..and so, I dance upon a sea of stars.."
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Alrighty, my day seems to be brigtening up just a bit...
I'm going to Lancaster tomorrow to check out a car I'm probably buying. We have to leave *very* early, though since I refuse to miss the Cthulhu game. It's the only real highlight of my weeekend, especially since Ruka may be there. I really want to see her...even if it's just at the RPG. Maybe I'll be able to spend some time with her after the game...God, I just need someone with me right now, that's all. -.-
On the happy note, though, the car cheers me up a bit. If I get a car, I can practice in it and go get my damn license (Finally >.<) That'll make me a much happier person. I won't have to cry over missing things anymore since I couldn't drive, like how I missed Ruka's play this weekend -.- I so badly wanted to go see it, but since everything that happened the past 2 days with Nanny and the fact I can't drive...it was impossible -.-
Nanny's still not well. Actually, she's getting worse from what I know...She may go into surgery tomorrow. I don't even know what to say anymore...I'm so worried about her, yet part of me *knew* this was going to happen. I knew she was going to get sick again soon...it was kinda expected. I just wish it hadn't happened so fast..she only moved up here, what, a month ago? I'm scared...I don't even know how/why I'm going to this game tomorrow and such...Actually, I think I kinda need it. I need something to take my mind off of everything. I just hope it all goes well...
Hope...at least I still have that.
Time for sleep. Must get up early tomorrow, so I can do this car thing and get to Cthulhu with the quickness...
~Michi
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| Saturday, March 9th, 2002
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2:46 pm - sick with lonliness...again
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It's just getting worse and worse...and I don't think anyone really knows it. Not my family, not my friends...no one.
I feel trapped right now...I was forced to grow up too fast, and my family is taking advantage of it as we speak...All I ever do is take care of them, help them out, act like the mature & responsible eldest daughter...Despite all that, they can't give me some of the simple freedoms that I need, namely a way out of this depressing shithole of a household. I've tried asking nicely about this car issue, and I've tried getting my point across by yelling...None of it works. And now, since my family's stability will be crashing down shortly, since Nanny's probably not going to make it through all this, I can tell that it's going to be even longer before my parents realize that I can't be constantly dependent on everyone around me. I hate all of this...I hate it so much...I feel like things are crashing down around me, and I have no way out of it all. I can't even get a simple break...I can't go out anywhere, there's no one around here who cares enough to help me. I'm trapped in it all. All I have is myself and my slowly disappearing courage to deal with all this. I don't want to be the caretaker anymore, I need someone to take care of me right now...And there's no one here.
I guess I'll just sink back into my mind again and stay there. Maybe that'll make me feel less lonely for now.
current mood:  lonely
current music: Always and Always - The Brilliant Green
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| Friday, March 8th, 2002
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3:25 pm - ...
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Well, I'm glad I have enough emotional strength to post sweet comments in Ruka's journal after her worry ordeal last night...because right now, I'm really scared myself.
Scared...nervous...worried...
Nanny's in the ER at St. Luke's...She went in this morning, so I have no clue what's going on. All I know is my mom stayed home to get her there as quick as she could...and I haven't heard anything from them since.
I just wish I wasn't alone in the house like this right now...I can't cry anymore; enough of that happened in school. I just feel so sick with worry and such...I'm worried about Nanny, I'm worried about my Mom...this is going to be *really, really* hard on my mother if this is the final bit for my grandmother. That's it for my mom's family. All she'll have left is her brother, my Uncle David...but he lives in upstate NY and we rarely see him. So, I'm really worried about her...and I really don't know how I'm going to take it. All I know is I feel sick, alone, and really worried...
...I think I'm gonna go cook something. That usually helps me relax a bit. If I think about everything too much, then I get more stressed and I cry more. And I think if I cry anymore, my head will explode... ;_;
-Michi
current mood:  worried
current music: Time Goes By - ELT
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| Thursday, March 7th, 2002
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10:56 pm - "I like you best when you're on your knees..."
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;D That's my quote of the day, for all of you who care. Say it to to the world for I, the All Powerful Michiru, deem it to be the amusing sentance of the day. Quaa Quaa.
Ooh, if it's in any way noticable, I have a new keyboard now...so my typing skills are back up to par ^^V *And* my space bar works correctly and ect. It's such a wonderful thing...
On a random note...I HATE MY JOB
Back on topic...Today was a shitty day at first, but it kinda redeemed itself. I can go get my license now, since my driving lessons are finally finished...but I think I need a bit more practice time for now. And a car. That'd be helpful, ne? Anyway, the morning kinda sucked since I had an awful headache and my face was fucked up >.< (I had this allergic reaction to something and, since I'm a vain little bitch at times, I flipped out over the random red spots on my face and was almost late because I just *had* to put makeup over it -.-*** Grr..) Oh, and the school library was being evil too...They're just evil. Buu buu at them >.< And my Theory class sucks again, since I'm even more lost now than ever...(Damn borrowed chords and secondary dominants; I'm making it a point in my life *NOW* to try and drill this crap into my head so I don't suffer like this again in college.) Hmm..what else happened today...Ara, once I was actually in a good mood today, everyone around me seemed horribly depressed and/or pissed off. That was kinda shitty...
Oh well. I'll survive. This weekend's going to be crazy busy, but kinda nice...Spend time with friends, possibly see Ruka again, get to play Cthulhu...I heart the weekends. Actually, I'm all of a sudden looking foward to the summer alot. I realized just how much I miss having tons of free time and being able to do..well..nothing. I mean, I do like school to an extent...but I just want to relax for some reason. Just sit back and take everything at a slower pace...hang out with people, go out places, spend money (that I don't have ^^***), ect. I suppose that'll all come once Summer does roll around, ne? ::sigh:: It's going to be so nice...
I'll just stay optimistic about everything. That's really the only thing I can do anymore...that and vent about things in my lj and my real, writing, anime-picture-coated journal : ) I *love* my old school journal...It's been there for me whenever I needed someone/something to listen :D
Okay...it's late. I need my Diablo fix before I go read another book or two and snack on some triscuts while listening to celtic music. Heh...my usual late-night pattern. Until tomorrow, then...night night : )
::poofs & makes a dramatic exit::
~Michi
current mood:  hyper
current music: Androgyny - Garbage
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| Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
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9:11 pm - Happy Birthday to me ^^ (Er...kinda...)
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::lol:: Yes, my fellow anime-obsessed friends, today is March 6th- aka, Michiru's birthday. Which, in turn, means I get to pretend to celebrate it since I am, as we all know, Michiru. Mwahaha. In the spirit of this being my birthday, here's my birthday list:
1) A new keyboard, since my current one sucks ass.
2) My Sailormoon S tapes back from that annoying girl in school...damn her...
3) Something nice and silky for my room. I was looking at satin bedsheets today in this magazine and they were *totemo oishii*...very very nice...
4) Er, yea, anyway...I'd also like a better paying job. Or just money. I'm desperate for money at the moment.
5) Violin lessons would be nice...I'm trying my best to get better, but my musical ear is only going to get me so far ;_;
6) Another trip to New Hope. I love that place.
7) A Haruka clone that lives in my closet. Hee ^^ That'd be the best ever. ^^***
8) Some fun 'accessories' to accompany that Haruka clone for my closet. Mwahaha. ;)
9) A car and my damn license. Grrr...
Okay, that's all for now. No more desperate wishes for things I can't have ;_;
Anyway, I've got to go play some Diablo 2 before I retreat to bed and such...Buu buu chigaimasu.
Otanjoubi omedeto gozaimasu, Michi..::cheers for herself:: Heh :D Too bad I've still got about 4 months until I actually have my birthday and turn 18.
Oyasumi, minna.
~Michi
current mood:  horny
current music: Saint Declan's Drone - Adiemus
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| Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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11:57 pm - Hahaha
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11:50 pm
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12:12 am - Woo!
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| Saturday, February 23rd, 2002
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10:59 pm - ^^!! Happy <3
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::lol:: It's so nice to be in a good mood...^^
I had an awesome day. Not only did I get out of going to work by pretending to be sick, but I got to go to New Hope with Ruka and her nifty gay friend. It was rather amusing...very amusing, actually. We blared music and screamed at people (er, I didn't scream, but it was fun to watch the reactions on people's faces ^^)...I also bought Ruka a pretty ring that she wanted <3 (Ha. I'm such a suck up to my g/f ^^**** It's so much fun) And I gave her my pretty V-day card that I'd picked out awhile ago...And the only reason all this happened is because Ruka was driving :D Yay for licenses...and cars. ^^
I bought myself an awesome necklace...mermaids, aqua-green jewels, big pearly stone, and dolphins. ^^ And some nice perfume, too...Ooh! And zodiac incense...I'll have to burn some of that tonight. <3 Musk-scented Cancer incense...
Hmm...In short, I had a really good night. I'm hyper, happy, and upbeat right now. Bunches of good moods rolled into one. It's so nice ^^
~Michi
current mood:  loved
current music: Principles of Lust - Enigma
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2:56 pm - kawaii, ne?
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11:00 am - ^^!
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I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Cleric Bard
Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.
Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently conccern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.
Primary Class:
Clerics are the voices of their God/desses on Earth. They perform the work of their deity, but this doesn't mean that they preach to a congregation all their lives. If their deity needs something done, they will do it, and can call upon that deity's power to accomplish their goals.
Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)
And, as a random side note to this quiz result, Nyxie was a Chaotic Good Elven Cleric ^^V Hahaha. I *am* Nyxie! ::cheers::
~Michi
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Song of Aeolus - Adiemus
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| Friday, February 22nd, 2002
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11:02 pm - Ha. This cracks me up.
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What day are you?
Hahaha.
Now, I shall go back to my search for good yuri lemons.
Oishii.
~Michi
current mood: horny
current music: Song of the Stars - Dead Can Dance
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5:56 pm - More! Yay!
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3:11 pm
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 I'm Sarah. I'm imaginative and creative, though a bit of a brat sometimes. If I use my wits, I'll get what I want. Nobody has power over me!
Take the "Which Labyrinth character are you most like?" quiz by smarmy
More amusing facts about me..
1) How "typically" male would you be if you had a sex change?
Your score = 50 What does your score mean?
While you could probably blend in fairly well with the male species, certain behaviors would reveal your true femininity. You've got a sort of androgynous approach to life, which means you're don't fit the male stereotypes to the T, but you're not 100% a typical woman either. This is probably a good thing - you can likely relate to both genders and understand the rationale behind characteristic "female" and "male" conduct. You're sitting on the fence!
2) How forgiving are you?
Your score = 70
According to your answers on the test, forgiving comes easily to you. You seem to have an open, accepting heart, and don't judge others harshly even when they royally mess up. This doesn't mean you aren't affected by others hurtful or thoughtless actions - you may feel the jab, but are simply able to put it behind you and give people another chance. You recognize that as humans we are all flawed, and everyone needs compassionate absolution at some point in their life. This is a healthy attitude that likely prevents you from becoming bitter and distrustful... as long as you don't dish out forgiveness too blindly. Make sure that your leniency doesn't give others so much room that you are taken advantage of!
3) How sexually pure are you?
Your score = 55
You may not be 100% sexual daredevil, but you've been around the block a few times. A few of the nighttime activities you've indulged in might shock your granny, but there are other things that either don't turn your crank or you haven't had the opportunity to explore yet. Whatever the case, your moderate openness is likely what keeps the flame of passion burning in your love life. Sex, after all, is a natural, beautiful thing and there's no shame in testing the waters - as long as you stick to the things you are personally comfortable doing. There is simply no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to sex - as long as you're having fun and not hurting anyone, good for you!
4) How much of a sex fiend are you?
Your score = 70
Very shagadelic baby, yeah! You've got one mongo of a mojo, if you know what I mean. For you, sex is a playground of fun and you've come up with all kind of wild tricks to enhance the experience. Sexuality seems to be an omnipresent force in your life, one that often guides your actions. You tend to be adventurous and steer clear of passion-killing routine. This doesn't mean that you need to change partners to enjoy your sexuality, just that you like to mix up your bedroom tactics. You're open to new ideas, and even plan ways to enhance your romps in the sack (a little body snack or the right tunes, for example). Overall, it's pretty safe to say that a good time is had by all when you're in the bedroom!
5) How devoted are you?
Your score = 80
You are hopelessly devoted to those you love...sometimes to the point of blindness! Once you've decided to commit to someone, it's written in stone. This loyalty is obviously a wonderful quality that others must appreciate, but heed this warning: you may be too blind and accepting of things that go against your beliefs. It is possible to stand by those that matter to you, while still setting limits about how far you will go in their name. You will protect yourself against being taken advantage of, and your loved ones will respect the fact that you draw the line.
Hee...I heart tests.
Btw, all the crap from the other day has been cleared up. If anyone cares at all about it, feel free to ask me. <3
~Michi
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| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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3:39 pm - ...Trying to feel better
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What a horrible day. Online quizzes help me forget. Too bad I'm working today...I hate work...
Well...here's my pointless quizzes. I'll write again once I'm home. Maybe.
NC-17 Woah, dude, too far. You're totally unsuitable
for anybody under the age of 17, and for society
in general. Tough break...
"Which Movie Classification Are You?"
Test created by Jamie - take it here.
Your Results:
You were female in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere around the territory of what is now know as modern Romania, approximately in the year 1800.
Your profession was: map maker, astrologer, astronomer.
A brief psychological profile of you in that past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, waited till that life to be liberated. Sometimes environment considered you strange.
A lesson that your last past life wishes you to learn in your present life is:
It always seemed to you, that you perceptions of the world are somewhat different. Your lesson -- to trust your intuition as your best guide in present life.
do you remember?
Thats all for now...Bai, minna.
~Michi
current mood:  distressed
current music: Song of the Odyssey - Adiemus
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2:57 pm
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Silent Words
your words of apology
mean so much...
and yet I can express
nothing
how dare you try
to act as if my friendship
meant anything to you
when you blame
so much on me
you say you've heard
the things i've said?
well, i heard your words
and they burned me
as much as my silence
may burn you
don't let wasted tears flow
i cried enough for
the both of us already
don't try to see
why i've been angry
for if you never saw it before,
then you'll never understand
and don't assume
that hatred burns inside me
i was hurt...
and broken hearts
can take eternity to heal
current mood:  crushed
current music: May it Be - Enya
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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9:53 pm - Should I feel bad? Or should I be happy...?
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There's a good question for what's happening right now. Or, what just happened, since she's gone now.
I suppose months ago, I would have felt bad.
But I was a lap dog back then...(Or was I just devoted to something?)
Now, though...Now. I know she deserves everything I say. And while I put up a shield of cold cruelty (which isn't really my nature) to aid in my verbal insults...God fucking damnit...I can just let everything about her go, can I? I *STILL* pity the pathetic thing when I burn her with words...
Still. Even after all the pain she put me through. Even after nearly ruining some of my closest friendships. Even after hurting the friends who are now close to me. Even after paining me MORE with her attempts to "be good friends again". Doesn't she know that everytime I see her look at me, I flash back to last year...I see her looking at me with love in her eyes. Fake love. Abusive love. Hurtful love. Love that was all a lie. She NEVER really loved me...Had all her sweet words been true, she wouldn't have led me around like a dog on a leash and then ditched me in a matter of days.
What kind of love is that? Oh, I'll tell you what kind that is. That's called Attention-induced love. She needed attention. I'd fallen for her in sad attempt to get over the pain from that past summer, where I thought I'd lost the only person who'd ever *really* seemed to love me. So, she sucked in the attention I gave her and "rewarded me" with some of her own. She made me feel better and I gave her a "backup" person to run to if she needed someone to make her feel loved. So, she let me tag along...pretended to want to date me...and left me in a ditch of my own tears and shattered pieces of my heart, while she went off with my ex-best friend, Brad. Now, she had plently of 24/7 attention from him. She didn't need my bleeding heart anymore. And the sick part about it is how quickly she just left me. Obviously, it didn't matter to her the consequences it would have on me (Yea, there's a nice display of how much I meant to her). She just...well...turned around and said, "Sorry. I didn't really love you." Damnit, she wrote me a song. Rather, she wrote me a poem that *I* made into a song as my response to how much I loved her. No one's ever written me a song. Ever. But *SHE* had to do it. She said how much she loved me in an art form that pierces my soul...
"Angel Eyes...Your love's so sweet,
you're always there to make me feel so complete
Please don't despair, my Angel Eyes
I don't know why I love you,
but isn't that the way love is? I do think so..."
You know...she had the nerve to change the words of that song and resend it to me the day she told me she didn't care about me anymore. I think the bastardization of that song is what made me cry so long that day...It took me so much work within myself to realize that it wasn't all my fault- that she just wasn't who I had thought she was.
And now...after months of emotional recooperation and inner turmoil while I repaired my relationship with Ruka over the summer, she comes back into school and tries to be my friend. Well, fuck that. She's tried for months and I won't have it. Everytime I try to give her a chance this year, I see a new aspect of her that I wish I hadn't. And it makes me wonder, "Why won't she just leave me alone? What makes me so freakin important to her that she's always looking for *me* to be her friend again?" She's a ingnorantly abusive doppleganger- She "doesn't know" she's hurting people...and she likes to get their approval by conforming to what they like. What she wants them to see in her. It's scary. It makes me realize that I probably never even knew Liz. All the things I *did* like about her were probably just another face she was putting on for me...
She toyed with me. Near killed me at times (things I'd like to forget, but I think will always be forced to remember..). And still, she seeks my friendship. And, as it seems, my approval. But what do you say to someone who murdered your heart...and is still out hurting others? How do you treat them normally again? Are *you* ever the same again? I don't think I am. As I said to her tonight, she dares to call me a "cold and heartless bitch". But it's only her wrongdoings that brought out that side of me. Before her sick, cruel antics, I was still a sweet-hearted girl who loved without question. Being stepped on? I was used to it. Being hurt? Oh, they never really meant it. Being cheated? It's okay, since they say they still love me.
She changed that. And, I suppose she's regretting it now, since she cries about how much she misses me...
If she really was the same friendly, caring, *real* person that I'd met years ago...Maybe I'd miss her too.
But not anymore. I'm a cruel heartless bitch. Let's see just how heartless I am, everyone...
Kaiyou Michi: So I see I inspired a new profile for you?
Chibi miryu: of course, you really hurt me after treble you have no fucking clue
Kaiyou Michi: Well, sometimes you get hurt after hurting others
Kaiyou Michi: I know Jenna's quite hurt right now...But she's a bit too sweet to actually do anything about it.
Kaiyou Michi: I just thought I'd say a few things for her.
Chibi miryu: you see, I used to truely love you and now in retrospect I know I made a mistake
Kaiyou Michi: Good. I'm glad you did. Especially since I know you're completly wrong about that statement.
Chibi miryu: actually Tom's just my friend....
Chibi miryu: My friend Oberlander just ask me on a date and I accepted
Kaiyou Michi: You never could have loved me ever...since you didn't even know what you wanted in love. What you did to me wasn't love, but abuse. Just like you've done to other people who used to be your friends.
Kaiyou Michi: But, I suppose it's good even for people like you to be finding new people...maybe you'll learn from mistakes and treat them better,
Kaiyou Michi: People do change for the better sometimes
Kaiyou Michi: I wanted to see that in you, but it just hasn't happened.
Chibi miryu: I will, thank you MIchiru, for teaching me about love
Chibi miryu: I still love you, that's why you hurt me so much
Kaiyou Michi: No problem. Thanks for teaching me not to fall for flightly, abusive, immature girls. Oh, and that being stepped on just isn't right...I suppose you were the one who brought out the vengeful, crueler part of me.
Kaiyou Michi: I don't think I ever would say things like I do now had it not been for what happened in the past year or so.
Chibi miryu: i know
Chibi miryu: i guess it's equal now
Chibi miryu: you gave me mental problems and I made you a bitch
Kaiyou Michi: So, the fact that I've become a "cold and hearless" bitch is...well...all thanks to you.
Kaiyou Michi: You know, even for those horrible months over the summer where I was trying to realize what "I'd done wrong to lose you", I felt horrible about not speaking to you...
Chibi miryu: and the fact that I have a inferior complex and depression is thanks to you
Chibi miryu: so we're even
Kaiyou Michi: But you changed so much from the person that I'd originally fallen for anyway...So, I guess it wasn't much of a loss...Hey, look, I didn't cause your fucking depression and inferiority issues.
Kaiyou Michi: People cause them themselves.
Chibi miryu: okay, say what you wish
Chibi miryu: bye
Chibi miryu signed off at 9:55:49 PM.
Look at that. I'm horrible. Yes, Liz, the girl who devoted herself to you and gave you just as much love as *any* of those fucking men you cried to Esh about (while convienently forgetting my name) could have is horrible now. That's your lesson in love. You break someone, you've done permanent damage that NOTHING can ever really repair. Look at what a horrible, cruel bitch I am now. God, you're making me even hate myself...
I hope you're happy. And I do hope you learn to treat your "loved ones" in the future better than you treated me. I don't think you ever want to have to deal with another "heartless" person such as myself *ever* again, do you? I think not.
I hope for my own sake...that I'm not as horrible of a person as she now sees me. Then again, I shouldn't let her trick me into seeing myself in a different way.
I can't think anymore. This whole thing is making me hate people in general...their cruelty is appalling. But I suppose that's hypocritical, as I'm being cruel right now, too. Even though it's a result of what happened before. ...It doesn't make sense anymore. It's a jumble of horrible memories all tyring to place themselves in my mind again. Again. And again. I wish I could rip them away...let the past die.
That's right. Let it all die...all of it. Maybe it'll take me with it for awhile...and the bitterness, fear, and insecurities in me will die, too.
Damn her. Damn myself for ever trying to make her happy. Damn my pathetic attempts at love and relationships. I hope I never screw up like that again...
~Michi
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Pavane for a Dead Princess
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| Monday, February 18th, 2002
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12:01 am - I can't believe it's not YATTA!
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Hahahaha. What a day...
I ran Changelings this morning..It was totemo wonderful da yo! I think we just need another game to settle into the characters personas & such. It always takes a bit of time. Luckily, I haven't reached the more serious part of the game...but when I do...Wow. I think it's going to be great. I'm seriously contemplating writing the game as a fantasy novel. Would you read it? : ) I'm sure someone would...I'll do it someday. Maybe I'll start working on it soon...Maybe...
So, anyway, Changelings (er, Inanimae ^^*) was great. I realized today how much I've missed writing/running/playing Changelings...It really was "my" first game. The first game I ever tried to GM all by myself. The first game *I* introduced to other people. Yay <3 Faeries are the best ever. I think if I was a White Wolf RPG creature, I'd be a fae. Or maybe an Angel from mine & Jessi's Angelus WW style game. They're nifty too...but I think I'd fit into the Dreaming pretty well. At least, the dreaming as it exists in my mind...My realm of the Changelings is much different from that which is in the Rule Book; but that's okay, since rules are meant to be broken, ne? : ) Especially when it's a creativity issue. Ara, I heart Changelings <3
Well, after that, I went over Kaitlyn's house for awhile and we watched bad 80's horror flicks. Then we ate eggs and played Alice, which kicks ass...I'm probably going to pick up the game tomorrow, since I need something new to amuse me. Baldur's Gate is being a bitch and Diablo is fun but...well, I've beaten it already o.o; It's all about Alice. Woo.
I was feeling kinda hyper when I started this post, but I'm calmer now...listening to awesome new-age/trance stuff really helps sooth you. Dead Can Dance is an AWESOME group...but I need some classic Enya now <3 Oooh, now something else. I love my Changelings Music playlist ^^ (Yes, I have music to set the mood for my game)
Ok...I'm a bit tired now. I think I'll make a CD and get to bed. Oyasumi nasai, minna <3
~Michi
current mood:  mellow
current music: Adiemus - Song of the Odyssey
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