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Monday, July 30th, 2001
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2:42 am - leaving on a jet plane
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but i know when i'll be back again.
tonight was wonderful. thank you everyone.
soon i will be gone to montreal.
i called *her* earlier. *she* was at *her* son's birthday party. *she* said she would call me when she gets off work this morning. that should be any minute.
current mood: anticipatory
current music: not a thing right now
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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1:36 pm - reservations
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it is a good thing to have reservations. i have just confirmed all the flights and stuff, so i leave Seatac airport monday morning at 8:30am, arriving Montreal's Dorval airport at 6:20pm local time.
current mood:  giddy
current music: Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy
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2:25 am
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i should have more to say, but i don't.
there are less than 5 hours left in my workday.
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Godspeed You Black Emperor! - Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada
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| Saturday, July 28th, 2001
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7:37 pm
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every once in awhile, i want to get one of my cd's to listen to a certain track. but i've sold that one.
i've sold that one.
current mood:  numb
current music: nothing
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5:54 pm
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2:02 am
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clue for the day: if you are calling a cable company to report that your cable is out, and they ask for your address, they are probably not trying to send you mail, so giving your p.o. box is pretty stupid (unless you are really bizarre, and keep your tv in your p.o. box).
which is, of course, just what some fuckwad tried to do just a little while ago.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Download - Charlie's Family
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| Friday, July 27th, 2001
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7:03 pm - alcohol the seed
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ok, i sold my cd's. made a tidy sum from them, happily, so some of the sting is off of that.
i am a big old music geek, though - even as i was selling cd's, i bought one (GYBE!'s "Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada"). at least i got extra value as "trade" for what i was selling. even after that, i ended up with several hundred dollars. all of it, alas, gone to pay for bills, rent, etc.
as i was drinking last night, i counted each drink as a cd. most of the cd's i sold went for $5, and a drink (after tip, because i always tip heavily) is the same. i lost count at 5 cd's last night.
then, as i was writing a disjointed entry, i got a call from *her*. we went to breakfast at Jack's (wonderful, reasonably priced food at an all-night restaurant? oh, yes). we talked about many things, as usual, and she read tarot for me. according to *her* reading, i do need to go to montreal, but i shouldn't make any irrevocable decisions without thinking them through first. *she* understands my gypsy drive, since *she* shares it. we talked about my relationship with alcohol, as well. there is much to consider there.
earlier in the evening, i spoke with Ethan about the same subject. he ended up sounding like a recruiter more than anything, which is why i was happy to speak with *her* about everything. *she* has a much more vital perspective on the subject, less fanatical.
whatever, i will put off thinking about it until i get back.
just got off the phone with ms. mojocat. we spoke for over 40 minutes, by my phone timer. i am really liking her. she is smart, and she is funny, but not annoyingly so. i've just sent her the pictures that cjezuaza took of me wednesday night. maybe i'll put them in this journal some time. they were taken across the street from the mercury, in front of the brick wall. my hair is a mess. maybe i will get it trimmed on sunday.
current mood:  refreshed
current music: Godspeed You Black Emperor! - Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada
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2:58 am - good night
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let me see... started out seeing people, ended seeing people...
i woke up, and was forced out by ogre. talked to kim, kayo's wife. she made me feel a bit better.
went to the merc, as it was old skool night. kyle was bartending, and krass was dj'ing. i don't know how to say this, but, i had to sell all (or most) of my cd's today. i can't dj, or make mix tapes for anyone anymore.
i cried.
went out, got drunk. yay.
now i'm here.
*she* just called, wants to go out for food. i'm going.
later more.
current mood:  drunk
current music: nothing, just got home
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| Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
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4:51 pm - sleep, like fog, arrives on little cat feet
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amazing the difference a little sleep can actually make. life is not so evil and oppressive anymore. it is still both of those, of course, just not as much as it was this morning.
i think i will go out tonight. happily, i can manage that, even without money. just no drinkies for the wire_mother tonight. probably a good thing, all things considered.
i have no idea why i'm even typing anything in right now.
current mood: better
current music: COIL - Attack Of The Sennapods
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4:48 am - starts great, gets late
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i was up until 4pm or so, then decided i needed to sleep at least a bit. woke up at 7:15pm, hopped in the shower, and went to coffee messiah. met ms. dyslexia, who gave me a mix tape (which i will fall asleep to as soon as i am done with this entry). the music on it looks good.
we watched the first part of the rebreather/whoever-else-it-was show, then went out to have a cigarette. after that, i walked her home, then went down to visit my friend Kayo. he had already left to go to the drag-queen wrestling thing at the vogue, so i followed. i called him on his cell phone, and we met at the reservoir.
when i got to the vogue, i decided i had no interest in watching the festivities (and, anyway, there was a sign on the door saying "no guest lists, no comp, blahblahblah". i could have avoided that, since i know the bouncer, the door person, the head bouncer, the owners, and, hell, i've slept with the queen in charge of the night. but i didn't feel like it). that was, perhaps, a mistake, as i found out later. apparently, a couple of the girls who decided to enter tore off each others' underwear. one of them i know, and she is a hottie! seeing her nekkid might have been nice.
i decided to wander the streets randomly, to make the city new, but i couldn't find the energy, and ended up heading back home. while i was checking email, dj eternal darkness sent an instant message, and i ended up heading over so he could copy some of my cd's. he showed me invader zim episodes, but i started to fall asleep on the couch, so i came back home.
now i am here. yay.
after leaving ms. dyslexia at her doorstep, i felt unaccountably depressed. this worries me, as i had been moving toward getting over the most severe portion of the depression recently. i am worse today than i was yesterday, though. i hope things don't continue like this.
i am sad, depressed, and tired. mostly tired.
i'm looking forward to vacation eagerly. i really want to be gone. away. over the horizon.
they say you can't escape yourself, but i say that, since the self is a process, not a thing, you become someone new in each new situation.
besides, i am not trying to escape myself, only the fetters that keep me from flying. the roots that grow and hold when i stay static.
good night. bon nuit (is that right?).
current mood:  tired
current music: the sounds of cars on the highway
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| Tuesday, July 24th, 2001
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12:57 pm - Lothar & the Hand People
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oh, they were so good. way the hell ahead of their time, which is why no one remembers them now. you see, "Lothar" was a theremin, and they also had some other, more traditionally rock-n-roll, instruments. sounded like protopunk meets early industrial with a liberal dash of freakydeaky hippy psychedelia thrown in.
i wish everyone could hear them.
update: i should mention that their best album, from a modern standpoint, was definitely "Space Hymn", which included the title track. bizarre stuff, with hypnosis, ambient thereminstrelsy, and so on.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: nothing right now
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11:19 am - damn! damndamndamn!!!
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i was using limewire to get an mp3 of Lothar & the Hand People's "Standing on the Moon", and the bastard disconnected when i was only halfway through!
so, i've got half of the track, anyway...
current mood: frustrated
current music: Lothar & the Hand People - "Standing on the Moon"
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5:21 am - soon, my evil plan will come to fruition
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in less than 2 hours, i am off work. then i am on a 3-day weekend. friday night and saturday night i work, but sunday morning begins my vacation. monday morning i leave for montreal.
i can't wait. i want to go now.
and, one last lyrical moment before i give them up for a bit:
SWANS - Alcohol The Seed
I need alcohol, because it opens my blood. I need alcohol, because it empties my head. I need alcohol. I need alcohol. I need alcohol. I need alcohol.
current mood: excited
current music: The Rev. Horton Heat - Liquor In The Front
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3:59 am - nothing is as good as the first time
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i woke up today, and started to check my email when *she* called. *she* wanted to know if i would like to go have dinner. we were both poor, so we went to Jack in the Crack. evading all the crackheads in the front dining area, we went to the back and ate our delicious meals. *she* had 4 tacos and fries, i had a spicy chicken sandwich and curly fries. we talked about many things. then she left for a meeting, and i came to work.
my back was hurting, so a co-worker gave me half a muscle relaxant. it helped some, and i did not get tired at all. i should've taken a whole one. live and learn.
a lot of people have been talking about love lately. i think at least one of them has learned the lesson of this song, "Love Will Save You" by SWANS:
Love will save you when the ocean splits itself in two. Love will save you when the cold wind blows right through you. Love will save you when the cold wind eats the precious air. And love will save you from the snake that crawls around down there, but it won't save me... Love will save you from the evil and greed of ignorant men. Love will save you from the guilt you feel when you betray your only friend. Love will save you from yourself when you lose control. And love will save you from all the lies your lover told you, but it won't save me... Love will save you from the truth when you think you're free. Love will save you from the cold light of boring reality. Love will save you from the corruption of your lazy-minded soul. And love will save you from your selfish and distorted goals, but it won't save me... Love will save you from the black night and the lightning and the ghost. Love will save you from your misery, then tie you to the bloody post. Love will save you from the hands that pull you down beneath the sea. Love may save all you people, but it will never, never, save me.
current mood:  working
current music: Winterkalte - Structures of Destruction
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| Monday, July 23rd, 2001
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3:17 am - sing along with Len
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Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
Oh, the Sisters of Mercy
They are not departed or gone
They were waiting for me
When I thought that I just can't go on
And they brought me their comfort
And later they brought me their song
Oh, I hope you run into them
You who've been travelling so long.
Yes, you who must leave everything
That you cannot control
It begins with your family
But soon it comes round to your soul.
Well, I've been where you're hanging
I think I can see how you're pinned
When you're not feeling holy
Your loneliness says that you've sinned.
They lay down beside me
I made my confession to them
They touched both my eyes
And I touched the dew on their hem.
If your life is a leaf
That the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love
That is graceful and green as a stem.
When I left they were sleeping
I hope you run into them soon.
Don't turn on the lights,
You can read their address by the moon;
And you won't make me jealous
If I hear that they sweetened your night
We weren't lovers like that
And besides it would still be alright.
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"The Gypsy's Wife"
And where, where, where is my gypsy wife tonight?
I've heard the wild reports - they can't be right.
But whose head is this she's dancing with on the threshing floor?
Whose darkness deepens in her arms a little more?
And where, where is my gypsy wife tonight?
The silver knives are flashing in the tired, old cafe.
A ghost climbs on the table in a bridal negligee.
She says, "My body is the light, my body is the way."
I raise my arm against it all and I catch the bride's bouquet.
But where, where is my gypsy wife tonight?
It's too early for the rainbow, it's too early for the dove.
These are the final days, this is the darkness, this is the flood.
And there is no man nor woman can be touched.
And you who come between them will be judged.
And where, where is my gypsy wife tonight?
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"Famous Blue Raincoat"
It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all thru the evening.
I hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
You're living for nothing now
I hope you're keeping some kind of record
Yes and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?
The last time we saw you, you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
You'd been to the station to meet every train
You came home alone without Lili Marlene.
And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife
Well, I see you there with a rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well, I see Jane's awake
She sends her regards.
And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way.
If you ever come by here for Jane or for me
Well, your enemy is sleeping and his woman is free
Yes, and thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.
And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Sincerely, L. Cohen.
current mood: working
current music: Leonard Cohen - The Best Of
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1:38 am - oh, and...
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12:15 am - wow.
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nothing much has happened today.
i tried calling ms. mojocat, but she didn't answer.
my co-worker grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me out to have a cigarette with her.
so far, so good.
rebreather will be playing tuesday night at coffee messiah. i will be there. oh, yes, i will. maybe ms. dyslexia will be, as well. tone noise is good. circuit bending is good. and the rebreather folks are really nice and good to talk with. apparently, this will be a regular thing there. go figure, it will be on tuesdays. all noise is apparently destined to be on days i work. how does it feel? suck suck suck.
current mood: bored
current music: Throbbing Gristle
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| Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
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3:06 am - more SWANS lyrics
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lest people think that they are all about drink and depression, here is "Better Than You":
I'm so glad, I'm better than you. I'm so glad, I'm better than you are. Sit here, now look in the mirror -- something's wrong. Your face is distorted. Feel the flow: There's blood in your body, and you can see clearly every heartbeat you make. Close your eyes. Touch your mouth in the mirror -- That's the wound that is made where the past meets the future. I'm so glad I'm better than you. I'm so glad I'm better than you are... And I can see through this veil of reality. And I can remember the feel of your skin. No you never knew me and you never will. When nothing's there, nothing is concealed...
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but, to return to depression, here is "Failure":
And I, I've been lonely. And I, I've been blind. And I, I've learned nothing, so my hands are firmly tied, to the sinking leadweight of failure... I've worked hard all my life. Money slips through my hands. My face in the mirror tells me, it's no surprise that I am, pushing the stone up the hill of failure... They tempt me with violence. They punish me with ideals. And they crush me with an image of my life that is nothing but unreal, except on the God damn slaveship of failure... I'll drown here trying, to get up for some air. But each time I think I breathe I am laid on with a double-share, of the punishing burden of failure... I don't deserve to be down here, but I'll never leave. And I, I've learned one thing: You can't escape the beast, in the null and void pit of failure... When I get my hands on some money, I'll kiss its green skin, and I'll ask its dirty face, "Where the hell have you been?" "I am the fuel that fires the engines of failure..." I'll be old and broken down. I'll forget who and where I am. I'll be senile and forgotten, but I'll remember and understand: You can bank your hard-earned money on failure... I saw my father crying. I saw my mother break her hand, on a wall that wouldn't weep but that certainly held in, the mechanical moans of a dying man who was a failure... My back hurts me when I bend, because I carry a load. My brain hurts me like a knife hole because I've yet to be shown, how to pull myself up from the sucking quicksand of failure... Some people lie in hell. Many bastards succeed. But I, I've learned nothing. I can't even elegantly bleed out the poison blood, of failure.
current mood: accomplished
current music: Zero Kama - The Secret Eye of Laylah
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2:18 am - i found your number on the wall, "for a good time call..."
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at about midnight local, the lovely and talented ms. mojocat gave me a call. she and her people had just returned, apparently, from a night of carousing. we talked some. she was apparently worried that i was not interested in coming anymore, mistaking the great washingtonian super-relaxedness for reluctance. there is something wrong with that - think about it, i worship intensity and involvedness, yet i seemed reluctant to her. ha!
that scares me. imagine what people must be like there.
it actually sounds like fun.
current mood: working
current music: Mute Frequency compilation
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| Saturday, July 21st, 2001
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5:47 pm - the speed of delivery
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so, wednesday evening, about 9:30pm or so, i put in the order for a copy of my birth certificate. thursday evening, about 6pm or thereabouts, i faxed the necessary sheet with a copy of my id to hartford county, connecticut (so this would be 9pm their time).
the birth certificate arrived via fed ex by 11am on friday.
wow.
then, i find out that i don't really need it, since i am not staying over 3 months. oh, well, so it goes.
current mood: good
current music: Annie Vox - various mp3's from mp3.com
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