Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in what went wrong's LiveJournal:

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Friday, December 6th, 2002
6:33 pm	Acceptable Losses I lay in bed all day in my clothes watching Twin Peaks and it felt like days spent off "sick" from school, from cartoons, through daytime tv drag and back again as the lighting outside changes without you noticing. I didn't watch cartoons though, I just watched the rest of the entire first season of Twin Peaks. And I did kind of notice it getting dark when I got up for cereal and found it slightly difficult to tiptoe gracefully upstairs, through the minefield that is my room and back to bed without losing a few Coco Pops along the way. Acceptable losses. There's something extremely satisfying about being under the duvet and being clothed. Oh your mum would have found it most unhygienic, I know.. She lay in bed all night watching the colours change She lay in bed all night watching the morning change She lay in bed all night watching the colours change Into green & gold But everyone she knew thought she was beautiful Only slightly mental Beautiful, a bit temperamental Beautiful, only slightly mental Beautiful She thought it would be fun to try photography She thought it would be fun to try pornography She thought it would be fun to try most anything She was tired of sleeping She's looking like a queen But if you knew what's going on in her life There'd be a thousand worried mothers there to talk to her If you knew what's going on in her life There'd be two hundred troubled teenagers to sit with her And to talk to her If you knew what's going on in her life What's going on in her life What's going on in her life There would be a documentary on Radio 4 (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 5th, 2002
10:45 am	Happy birthday, girl. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 14th, 2002
3:45 pm	Blush, blush, blush your way to a fitter you.. I could be sleeping I could be dreaming I could have ordinary people chasing me from town to town Mission, Impossible They've got a spy for every blink of your eye Feeling awkward Feeling bummed out They've got a knife for every time you take the same train into work A family's like a loaded gun: point it in the wrong direction, someone's going to get killed If you had such a dream, would you get up and do the things you believe in? Is he your husband? Or just your boyfriend? Is he the moron who's been beating you and keeping you inside? I've never done this kinda thing But if I kill him now, well, who's going to miss him? I went up to the school I took a walk up Castlehill For every step there was a local boy who wants to be a hero Do you wanna do it now? Outside the butchers with a knife & a bike chain If you had such a dream, would you get up and do the things you believe in? I would maybe notice her chipped nailpolish if it weren't for her beautiful eyes & those lips that I want to look at but make me look at the ground like the shy fool I am. We could have tea in sidestreet cafes, then get a fast taxi back to a secret location and watch a movie. I don't mind all the espionage... maybe I should buy a tuxedo and a sports car. I like being 'good nervous' and god bless SMS and it's raining hard now but I am smiling. She has a way with words. Suede's Positivity has mysteriously added itself to work's playlist. Like by magic. This is unstructured. This is hard to read. This is optimistic. This is my life. Right now. Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: I never even noticed it end... (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 10th, 2002
3:00 pm	3 little lines The sleeves of my shirt are rolling up where I cut them. The sleeves of my shirt still smell like last night. And that can't be bad. Current Mood: high
Friday, November 8th, 2002
5:12 pm	Poster Paint Blues Today was great. Today should have been bad but I'm not one to look gift horses in their gift horsey mouths, so. Work was super-fun for some reason even though I got in trouble but it was just.. a good day and even after the trouble they said it wasn't really my fault but I think this is maybe because they felt guilty for wounding this puppy because my eyes became varnished and I went on a "what's going on in my life right now" brink-of-tearsy rant. I got a jacket for cheap from charity shop, and slight flirtation with old women won me almost £5 off and a wrinkled old cheeky wink, and that maked me much happy. It's a womanly jacket to be honest but it's quite smart. It's like a carpet worn underlay side up, and it feels like it too.. even as I type this entry and move mouse and whatnot I am getting carpet burned elbows. See the pain I go through for my 'art'? Yes. Yes you do. I like kissing. Yes I do. "Well done, boy!" it says in felt tip at the bottom of feint ruled A4. Those words were heavier than she knew. She should have wrote them in bingo marker on my arm. They were about work but, oh. *smiles* "Keep on smiling, smiler." someone said at work and tried to engage me in conversations about soul music and came back to me to be served thrice. Strange stalkers are nice I guess until they try to cut your throat or whatever.. "Kissin' don't last, cookin' do" it says on a wooden spoon in my kitchen. Maybe not but kissing tastes better. I always think those words should come from Tom from Tom & Jerry's deep-south afro-American owner's mouth, with her headscarf and mop. 'From her to here feels like miles of the poster paint bluest skies with cotton wool clouds glued on with enthusiasm, PVA and chubby little fists.' Poster paint. My post-her pain has been chased away and I feel like gluing macaroni to pages and writing happy in the margins again. "Don't start that talkin', I could talk all night. My mind is sleep walking while I'm putting the world to right." (ok, because it's funny, me being a lyrical perfectionist geek I looked up the lyrics on the internet before typing them in and getting egg on my face.. I noticed that misheard lyrics to 'Oliver's Army' are "all of the zombies" which makes the chorus a chilling prophecy "All of the zombies are here to stay, all of the zombies are on their way") I don't know, I think I should go out tonight.... I think I might. Maybe you'll be there. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Don't start that talkin', I could talk all night... (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 17th, 2002
1:07 am	It's been a bloody, stupid day... Ok, she's been seeing a guy since a week after she got back. His fun nickname of a surname is Gibson and it made me upset and angry and shake with emotion like I had Parkinson's Disease. Then I talked with the girl from the other night and she's all wanting to be friends, so she goes offline feeling bad and she sends me a text apologising if she led me on. I said "Aww hon, please don't worry 'bout it. I'm not naive, I know a few kisses doesn't equal anything more, but maybe this time I wanted it to. x" Tonight has been cars crashing in synch, the director smiles and says it's a wrap, beautiful. And if I don't write about it it's all been in vain. And if only I could learn from my mistakes for once, rather than write them down and forget about them and fall in love with the next pretty face and good kiss I see. It's a long road to repair and I feel like I've stumbled on my first step on this mountain path and a load of rubble just went falling to the bottom and I know that if I don't get it together the next step it might not be just rubble but I've got to focus, but I need something to focus on and I don't want anything except love but love gives me all the problems but I only feel alive when I'm hurting or loving and hurting feels so bad and loving feels so good. And if there was a sequel, would you love me as an equal would you love me til I'm dead? Or is there someone else, is there? Current Music: Pounding in head and the comforting whirr of computer fans (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 22nd, 2002
5:09 pm	That is so YESTERDAY, man Yes, I know, it's been on a hundred other journals and I don't usually do this sort of thing but.. i am an indie snob! How indie are you? test by ridethefader You're just too cool for school, aren't you? You're pretty narrow minded and opinionated with regards to music (and probably most other things as well). But you're allowed to be, because you really are better than everyone else. You take pride in obscurity. You probably prefer vinyl too, you elitist bitch. It's funny. Maybe he's right! Maybe you're ALL right! *sob* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:37 pm	*sigh* AND. I miss her so much. I have to meet her for a drink on Monday. (Comment on this)
3:35 pm	Sprouts at twi-night Friday was: And oh, they always tell me about their boyfriends at the end of the night or two days later when I ask them out in the style of a little boy, always Uhm-ing and Stuttering: and that's in a text message. Again, last night, yes: oh I think you're cute too honey, yeah I'm vegetarian too, oh yeah Reeves and Mortimer. Then playground displays of macho, biting those little snappers like all the tough kids who said they shaved. Honestly, I used to see you round town, I asked my friend your name and it was David and, now you are so pretty and I shook my head and I asked her if she was single. And. She has a boyfriend, and she was sorry. That's ok you're hot too, and all I need is a hug and I don't need any sex so she hugged me and she was a slip of a girl. 5'4" in her faux-nurse's uniform and stripey tights with hotpants underneath because she is cunning like a fox and she knows what guys are like and oh well things work out like that, but yeah do you want a drink anyway because I'm not an ass. Oh you're hungry and I'll buy you a sandwich from the 24 hour tesco, oh did I say, I'm a vegetarian too. I don't mind, I'm not the best at this sort of thing anyway, but I feel sorry for the boyfriends at home. They both let me hold their hand. In many ways I think that's worse than if they'd let me kiss them, but I'm old fashioned and the taxi driver agreed and we had our confessional at the bottom of my street and he turned the meter off and just sat talking for 15 minutes. What some drivers will do for 50 pence. Saturday was: My leaving night from my old work, I hit the drum for the final time and I walked away. It was going ok, then I got a phonecall from the guy who I worked with twice and I invited out and he is indie and has similar views on fame and music and we sort of clicked when we worked together. Indie unity, or so you'd think. So I'm having a good time, then my phone goes all Bumblebee on me and I'm answering and I take it out in the lobby of the union and.. Oh hi there Graeme, oh cool.. are you coming down. It's my leaving night! So you're leaving work? Yeah, it was my last shift a few weeks ago So you won't be back? Nah, not really.. probably pop in and stuff but.... Yeah yeah yeah he slurs You already out or whatever? I'm 15 minutes away Oh cool FUCKING WEE INDIE BASTARD THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING INDIE THINK YOU'RE LIKE HOLIER THAN THOU FUCKING WEE INDIE SIDEBURNED BASTARD FUCKING YEAH FUCKING ACOUSTIC GUITAR FUCKING BELLE AND FUCKING SEBASTIAN this angry rant continues for what must have been a few minutes without me saying anything, phone held at arm's length Silence Are you still there you INDIE FUCK? Yup. I sure am. Well, I'm coming down soon.. I'm like 15 minutes away.. I'll come down and we'll listen to some fucking Belle & Sebastian. we'll put on our cardigans and fucking drink 0% lager That sounds great mate, RUN. Please. RUN! Then it ended. So I went through to everyone else, and I sat down. And I just felt all the insecurity and sadness being to overwhelm, spreading up from my feet, from the pit of my stomach. I knew I was going to cry, but the first bit of cold moisture was halfway down my cheek before it registered, like in war movies when people get shot by a sniper, touch their head and see their own blood on their hand and the shocking realisation they've been shot but didn't feel a thing. I went home early. On my own leaving night. On my favourite clubnight at the union. And everyone was trying to reassure me, it's ok, and that there's always people who don't like people but the thing is he is a quiet, shy bit of a loner, and he always seemed to be my friend, talked about the formation of a band and he gave me loan of CDs and things but all the while he's thinking these things apparently. Brooding? Insecure? Feeling inferior? I don't know. The fact that he is so quiet and easy-going normally makes the whole thing the more terrifying and schizophrenic. Well, you can brood in my shadow all you want if that's the way you see it. I was so worried and sad I smoked multiple cigarettes. I hope you're happy, you ruined my one leaving night. I didn't believe in myself anymore. Current Mood: blah Current Music: The Red Telephone - Love (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 13th, 2002
7:52 pm	The stars must hate me I need to escape this place. These feelings. Maybe it'll be easier when we talk, maybe it'll be harder. I'm not sure. I'll get a last kiss then have to trudge home, slowly, with the weight of my heart. I used to rule, you know. I used to look at a clear winter sky and walk home from hers beaming cockily and thinking how nice it is to share this big old world with somebody you really love and who loves you, but now, alone they just make me feel smaller, more alone. The world is big. The world is big and mean. And everyone needs a man, not a boy and I need a girl, not a woman because women talk about how much they've saved in various shoesales and the haircuts they're going to get and the local footballers they want to do, and probably will during the last dance at the filthiest place in town. It should get easier, I shouldn't be thinking of more reasons I love her everyday still. I can't hold a conversation with hardly anyone. And those who cut through can't hold a candle to her. Current Mood: Dark, rising (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 12th, 2002
6:01 pm	The trashiest club in town in a skirt First night back and she's out in a skirt at the trashy nightclub. I felt sick at the time, but I'm not too bad now, except I am really sick.. bad, bad cold. I'd call it a flu but apparently men always exaggerate how ill they are, this was coming from the girl who demanded ice lollies and was house-bound for a week when she had a sore throat. She has agreed to talk to me about things, face to face and was actually quite civil in a text message, the first time in months. Work is going well. It is very laid-back and there are beautiful indiegirls passing by all day everyday. Working with clothes is the most awkward thing in the world, it's almost like working with liquid. Very susceptible to gravity, and unskilled idiots like me. Fate wants me dead. Pretty much ALL the songs on the CD at work are about 2 years old or more, presumably due to them only being able to afford hits of the past, so they coincide with us starting to go out. So it's all Embrace - Drawn From Memory, The Bluetones - Slight Return, Blur - The Universal, Bjork - Venus As A Boy, Space - Female of The Species and that black flowers blossom one that I really can't remember the name of but was on a tape from her car. It's probably really just as well their one song from that Embrace album isn't Save Me, or I would most likely be in tears. I'm ok just now though. Up Down Up Down Up Down Up Up Up Down Up. Not a cheat for a 16 bit videogame, sadly just the pattern of today. We went to Glasgow to paint, I wore her dad's fire sweatshirt that was way too small. I took my digital camera and had a stupid idea about framing shots of us painting to give her as a gift for letting us stay. I claimed the double by pretending to fall asleep and she joined me, it was all going to plan. We didn't know what to do with ourselves when we had the double, but that didn't seem to matter. She was wearing her Snoopy pyjamas and everything happened. Current Mood: Half what I could be (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 7th, 2002
9:40 pm	The past few days.. Part two: heart-broken, head-aching, leg-bleeding Went out in town, ended up having pints with friends and getting soaked by much of the pints then went in a weird mood when I thought I saw her friend in town, and despite having a good conversation having the self-loathing black-dog on my shoulder, decided I hadn't contributed much, wasn't funny, was awkward when in reality I wasn't. Anyway. Texted her. Got coldness back to the effect of her not wanting to talk face to face about us ever when she gets back: "Well I have said everything I want to say. Sorry don't have the energy to go through stuff I have already said" Said via text message from a hundred miles and countless counties, yes. You are a brave one, girl. Also found out today that the indie clubnight I suggested and was as good as promised is already running under a different name and with all our ideas about it STOLEN but marketted all wrong.. prompting my very angry email about it all. From: Angry indieboy David Date: 05 September 2002 17:07 To: Evil nightclub people Subject: I'll have a cup of tea and tell you of my dreaming So, apparently there is to be Homespun. A night to encompass all forms of alternative music. To be honest, I can't help but feel a LITTLE pissed off. Mainly at the lack of information thang than anything else. Fair enough we had no formal DJ skill, but had the willingness and enthusiasm to pick it up quickly and were brimming with ideas about making this work and doing plenty of unpaid self-promotion, as well as all the groundwork, research and website ideas that we've done so far. It all seems a big waste of time now on everyone's part, most of all on my friend and I who put our hearts into this and a fair bit of meat to back it up also, but meh. I may have got the wrong end of the stick, so correct me if I'm wrong and if this Homespun is something totally different than I think. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that there may finally be this sort of thing in Dundee but I would have appreciated knowing a little in advance of seeing the poster appearing in town for a night I felt we were going to be involved in in some capacity, preferably more in a creative capacity than being just disc-jockeying monkey puppets. Criticism from me might sound like the work of an embittered indieboy who didn't get his way, but it's not I'm happy for your night and all that but personally think the marketing and name conjures up a whole different image than I would have aimed for, not that I know anything about marketing or demographs or population makeup, but I do know students and young people and the "scene" from my point of view, from stained bar benches rather than from a leatherette swivel chair. The feeling of being strung along, following something that might have been unobtainable all the while, chasing rainbows is pretty hard to shake. Feel free to tell me if I've misunderstood something or whatever. Anyway, I know it's a dog-eat-dog business and wish you and your night all the best mate, not trying to make enemies or leave on a bitter note so please don't take it that way, just writing to tell you mainly how we feel. David "Imagine something of your very own; something you can have and hold I'd build a road in gold just to have some dreaming Dreaming is free Dreaming, dreaming is free" Anyway, I went out after that to see Astrid at a bar and they were quite mediocre, only did around 10 songs that were mainly new and unfamiliar and kinda washed over me rather than hitting me hard and sending me on my back, soaking my swimming trunks entirely and destroying all my castles. I was very drunk and for some reason was extremely jolly and quite the wit and everyone loved me and I danced like a crazy boy right in front of the band. And Astrid's lead singer who I cornered and tried to get to swap shirts with me (my home-made ONE off Akira shirt for his scabby Top Shop/H&M; kidswear-esque one of a VW Beetle) "C'mon mate, let's swap shirts like footballers do at the end of games!" *in lame Isle of Lewis accent that sounded Welsh* "Nah, my girlfriend gave me this one" Onwards to the Union, to crazy dancing, to throwing myself around, to getting egoboosts by a boy I thought hated me "Why did you leave college? All my ex-girlfriend from your class and all your classmates just keep saying 'So much talent, why did he drop out?' Why don't you come back, It's never to late". Oh it is my friend, much too late, and I'm going home with the crazy boy from the second hand store and my friend. Cutting through a dangerous construction site, it was the longest cut I've ever made. I sliced right down the back of my leg climbing over temporary fences which I barely made it over.. too much trouser, not enough height. I then got stupid and started getting upset. I really shouldn't have carried around the tub of hairwax she gave me when we first started going out all day. The stuff she used to use, I screwed off the lid periodically and was back in 2000 and getting ready for excitingly awkward first dates in that student pub that went rapidly downhill. We did too, only slower. I cried, but hid it well. I got a taxi, it was driven by a member of the Rolling Stones. I was gone. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
9:10 pm	The past few days.. Part one: the interview Ok, well, on Monday I got the interview for the H&M; job. Turned up dressed nice and everything. Was interviewed by two girls. "You're looking very smart" "Aww. Thanks. Just trying to get a balance between y'know, being casual and being formal.. well.. not that there's anything wrong with formal, just didn't want to dress like a stiff" "So what would you say is your greatest achievement this year?" "This year? God. you're asking the wrong guy.. I've just worked at Safeway for a year... but... I did write & illustrate my own 10 page comic for my girlfriend when she moved away" "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" "Yeah.. the comic or my nephews. But they're not like.. MY ahcievement, they're my sister's really I guess.. THAT'S JUST SICK!" "What were the other interviewees like? Pretty stupid?" "So the wages are £5.20 an hour which is quite good, but we make you work for it. It's hard work." "Oh no. See ya." and pretended to stand up and put on my coat.. So anyway.. yeah, I ended up coming across as an incestuous, work-shy, slightly camp and full of innuendo and inappropriate gags, and I'd be annoyed about that but at least it was an accurate impression to give. That was that. They said they'd phone me Tuesday, Wednesday at the very latest. They phoned at 4PM on Wednesday when I'd given up all hope. "Hi David, we have some good news for you.. we did more interviews and everything, but we decided we like YOU the best.. can you start on Monday?" so yay. So I went down to the mighty Safeway to tell them to take their job and shove it, in the nicest possible way. In fact I was over nice. Thanked them for 4 great years with the company in the letter. When faced with the boss and the inevitable "Why are you leaving?" questions and "Why are you going to work there?" I chose the route of elaborate lie over simple honesty, and apparently I'm doing fashion design next year at university so this is an ideal opportunity. I was on a high because of having got the job and so I was totally charismatic and making inappropriate jokes and things as per the interview. Oh, I am awful. Current Mood: high (Comment on this)
Monday, September 2nd, 2002
10:51 am	Pre-there post here "Every single day, I get down and pray she'll change her mind." Still a few hours to kill before interview so I'm just drinking a lot of water and not even thinking about what I'm going to say. I shall shave sideburns in a minute *sob* and use scissors on fringe. Ok. So I swapped shirts at the last minute upon mum's suggestion and my own opinion that I was too casual. Now I look like I should be in Human League or Pulp or something. I like it. *combs in sleek 80s sideshade* Don't you want me, babies? Current Music: Painting & Kissing - Hefner (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 1st, 2002
11:26 pm	Action suspension Hazy memories of last night as they come into focus.. Climbing onto the back of a car then running across a big line of parked cars, leaping from bonnet to boot, as apparently is a big fantasy of mine when drunk. Yup.. that's about right. I press the button, click, the shutter opens, caught forever. ( Read more... ) Current Mood: calm Current Music: Eery quiet inside and out (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:16 pm	Luthian's down, Show some respect Adam doesn't like me. But that's ok. I don't like him either. And I do realise it's mainly gay people who work at H&M;, what of it? And it's actually a myth becuase the only one gay guy who did work there is gone to a music store anyway. As if that would even be an issue. I don't like this place, we better go. Went to the 80s clubnight first, got my requests played back to back. Happy Hour - The Housemartins mixing into This Charming Man - The Smiths, prompting my metal loving friend to ask "What's this?" "This Charming Man.. The Smiths." "Who's Smith?" *bemused expression* We danced around for a bit then left on a whim to go to some metal night called Suicide. Was looking extremely out of place and when some headbanging freak took a bad spill, the DJ turned off the music as a show of respect and so he could be tended to but I had no such manners about these HIDEOUS, SCUM OF THE EARTH MOSH FREAKS so shouted out "BELLE AND SEBASTIAN! WHITE STRIPES!". Oh. I'm so funny and stupid and tactless drunk. Got dropped off outside my house, started to feel a bit horrible so I lay down in my front garden. I must have fell asleep for minutes? Hours? I dunno but I woke up and vomited all over the front lawn. And my dad cut the grass this morning, so mm.. nice and awkward. It's like an unspoken idea that he's annoyed at me and KNOWS. Or I'm just paranoid. Current Mood: sore Current Music: The Boy With The Arab Strap - Belle & Sebastian (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 29th, 2002
10:35 pm	The wrong side of smart Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you the clothes shop job did not fall through and I have an interview at 3 on Monday, so much of last night was trying on ties and stuff. Wearing browny black flared cords, brown Gola, lemon 80s throwback to the 50s Americano style short-sleeved shirt, a paisley tie and my dark brown blazer-style leather jacket as a "suit jacket". I'm pretty much going as formally as I'll ever go, because: I don't see the point in giving them a false impression It's a fairly funky clothes shop and I don't know if they'd want me to go dressed like a stiff It's cool Would post pictures but am too lazy and by the way, if I do, I really RESENT Strokes/Hives type comparisons being drawn and he has the broken ribs to prove it. People DID wear ties before them you know. I am not sure, I might tone down some of it, give them a little more of what they want, because so far it's all been more take than give for me and I've ended up with a cool "smart" outfit, rather than a formal "smart" outfit. So I might get a more sensible shirt and tie so at least my upper half (that'll be visible from across a desk) is at least fit for the occasion. Great thing about ties is that I can keep a wacky one in my pocket to change into once I've finished for the walk home! So THAT'S how businessmen cut loose.. Don't I scrub up well. Current Mood: Happy at the time of hearing Current Music: At the time? Jolly tunes featuring lots of la la-ing (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:19 pm	Big at last I finally bought Big today and watched it before work. Excellent. I wish more girls in real life wanted a boy in a man's body and social faux-pas. I texted her saying "Hey. What you been up to? Found someone as great as me yet? ;) I miss you :( I still love you hon. x" and haven't heard back yet, but hey she works a lot down there. I don't know why I texted her, I think it was just some residual emotions from the tailend of Big and also I wanted her to know that I'm coping but I still miss her so much. There's a fine line between taking something well and being callous. I would say "and I'm walking it", but I am only taking it well on the surface because my mind feels constantly preoccupied, I feel physically sick again just thinking about the whole thing so I'll save this while I can from being a dark post. The "Jam get me moist" girl from a while back was in my work tonight, and she knows the girl from the deli and apparently she worked with me for about 2 weeks, and I do vaguely remember her and her Toploader hair (I know, ugh). I felt a bit awkward but more in a blushing and scurrying past way than a hide-hide-hide sort of way. I'm sick of being subject to experiments for fate's own amusement. I'm sure she just sits and thinks up horrendous situations to subject me to "What would happen if we awkwardly stuck that 'Jam girl', her, that girl from work's friend AND a boy once dated by her in a lift together then stopped it between floors?" Anyway, enough of that, the joys of Big and the notion (however unrealistic a romantic fantasy it is) of boyish qualities of irresponsibility, silliness and not being too hot at adult conversation being desirable things to a girl make me smile. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Impossible - The Charlatans (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 27th, 2002
10:15 pm	Oh, angel Clothes shop job probably fallen through, but hey it is me and this summer is out to get me. And I am sick of it. So for the foreseeable future it would appear I am trapped in a grotty supermarket, and the rest of my life starts with a 6:30AM til 3:30PM shift tomorrow. I am about to feed the printer lots of my CVs, then drop them off to every shop in the city centre that has any sort of appeal to me. Now my head is splitting. I need a job that isn't spirit breaking and a girl who won't up & leave. I need fate to be kind like she was in 2000, but I guess she's other appointments to keep. I am sick of everything. It's hard to write this when destruction is more appealing than creation, but I need to get it out somehow. I feel sapped of positivity. I am weak, I need guidance, I am going to write to some fraudulent on-line spiritualist who lives across the water and looks at photos of your eyes to tell you how things are going to pan out. I predict "lonely" and "mentally ill". I. Need. You. You'd make it easy to smile through all this But you are one of the reasons I. Am. Frowning. Oh. Yes. What was good was buying a lot of Suede & friendly music store girl in same situation where Suede are concerned, loving but never owning properly/legitimately. Brett is the bastard child in my music collection no longer, I BOUGHT! I OWN COPYRIGHT! I am your mother. Kiss your mother Brett. Anyway, she maybe was semi-interested in me but I am rubbish at things, I know what I like but I sometimes fear saying something stupid to offend the demi-gods in FOPP, so I just kinda smiled nervously and said I had it all on my computer when she said she had all the albums on cassette. But hey, I still have to buy "Coming Up" sometime so, I've got from now til then to become self-assured and basically.. a different (better) person. Maybe fate does have a plan. Maybe next time we'll both be put on a pedestal for longer than a year. Maybe fate felt I idolised the girl too much and will bring her back to me more on my terms than hers for a change. Maybe fate feels she needed her come-uppance, or I mine. I can't decide. I'm the one hurting right now though so. Mm. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Monday, August 26th, 2002
6:33 pm	Poignancy makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up He told the officers, "The only thing I did was put a tie around her neck." Police asked Wilson if he had slept in the bed afterwards and he replied, "That night." He was asked what he had intended to do with the body and said, "Nothing. I didn't know what to do." The court also heard from DS Heald that Mrs Wilson had written a letter to her husband, which was found by a relative. DS Heald read the letter to the court. It began, "I am sorry things are ending this way for us." Mrs Wilson wrote, "Sometimes I ask myself why you married me and if you ever loved me. Over the last few years I knew you wanted me out of your life. Maybe when you married me you were looking for a mother, not a wife." "When you left us seven years ago maybe I shouldn't have come back to you and we wouldn't be going through this today." The letter ended with the words, "If you live to be 100 no one will love you like I do. Love Kate." The trial before Lord Reed continues. Current Mood: Over sensitive? (Comment on this)