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LiveJournal for made of metal.
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| Thursday, April 4th, 2002 |
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dear you. i am pitiful i kno. i wrote you an email about how i miss you. and care about you still. an think about you all the time. i kno nothing is going to happen. i dont really want it to. your shady. totally shady. but i dunno. i was into it. i was into you. you let me think things were ok. you made me believe that you would werk thru anything if you wanted it badly enough. i guess you didnt want me badly enough. bc your way of handling things was by not talkin to me ever again. no explanation. no nothing. i dont understand you. and i dont think i want to. DAMNIT i was so ready to settle down. and be happy with just you. road trips. snugs. kisses. fake meat [yak]. i think we had pretty good times. i dunno. maybe im just stuck on the fact that i have liked you for so long an i finally had you .. and then you took it away. totally not cooL. @ all. but i guess i would rather have had a lil bit of time to spend with you then none @ all. remember ? take my heart and break it if you want. well thats what you did. thats what you did alright. " this always happens to me, just when i feel happy. they go an turn on me again. the same thing everytime. i go out on a line. everyone else turns out fine. " i have no luck with boys. or girls. its not like i was tryin to find anyone either. it just happend. it always just happens. and it always gets fucked up an i always end up being like .. hey .. this hurts. no more. not fer a while anyway. im sick of this bull shit. fuck the world. |
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2002 |
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dear you. well shiz. its been a while i kno. but i have been pretty OK with writin in my other journal. nothing to scandalous to talk about. but here i stand. or sit. needin to vent like a mother fuck. what a day what a weekend what a month. i have been sick for 2 months now about. ive been on 7 different medications and combined they are startin to work now. slowely. but workin non the less. which im OK with. thank god. some of the "side effects" of these meds are mood swings which i find to be HILARIOUS. on top of birth control [ which makes you all moody bitch ] im on something else to help with that. wonderful. i should be a barral of fun. :smiles: oh wells. akira was here this weekend. well we were at rutgers on friday an spent the nite at my cuzins. but then we were here. :sighs: he gives good lovin. but i kno that thats bad. we shouldnt be 'loving' anything about eachother right now.. being that were not together an hes still slightly "infatuated" with me.. its kinda weird sometimes to see all these things up of me and his away messages being directed at me. but i tell him all the time that nothing is gonna happen. i dont wanna be with him. he needs to stop it. an he just shrugs it off. it was an OK weekend i just feel weird now. not just because of him. but in general. scotts gonna be here soon an im not sure how i feel about that. im excited. but im not. i dunno where we stand. or anything. i kno how he feels about me kinda. i think we are on the same page. he says we are but sometimes when im in a mood i feel like he really isnt. and i really wanna kno who this EVA gurl is. since everyone seems to kno who she is. damnit to hell. oh wells. im in a mood though. ive been doin homwerk all damn day. and yesterday too. im tired. i wanna go home. :sighs: this stinks i tell you. alot. ARG. i hate moods. and to top it off i dunno. this just is rar. BIG rar. i need taco bell. aimo said she was gonna bring me some. mmmm. yay. i heart taco bell. i do. FUKIN a. time to get my fotos. xox |
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| Monday, January 28th, 2002 |
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dear you. today has been a groggy day. im not sure how i am feeling right now. not angry. but not too happy either. its super nice out which does make me smile. but i dunno. things keep weighin down on me. i guess im just feelin alone again. my friends at home [minus one] are involved. my two "best friends" are goin out. i dont feel very close to them anymore. and now that samantha has a boyfriend shes always with him. again provin my thought that people dont kno how to balence out thier boyfriend time and thier friend time. me and her were supposed to hang out on valentines day. we pinky swore that we would no matter who we were with bc we are bestest friends and f boys. but since her boyfriend whined to her about it [ he was all.. gee sam the one day outta the year you think you would wanna spend the day with your boyfriend.. ] which i find to be rather amusing since he spends everyday with her anyway.. whatever.. i told her to just hang out with him that day.. she didnt seem to upset about it.. funny.. aimo did the same thing.. i hate gurls. growel. i just feel alone again. when everyone has someone they tend to forget about the single ones. i miss nicole. she really is the only one who understands me anymore these days.. i tried to do the email thing with brennan but he wasnt very interested in it. the only ones i talk to are dan and nicole. no one else seems very interested. :shrugs: rawr. i wanna move to santa fe. fuck everyone else. meh. xo |
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| Saturday, January 19th, 2002 |
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dear you. this is what you are for. see. when im havin a moment where i need to super lots vent and then i can. here i sit. in jersey. stuck in the snow. at home. not that i really mind. but this as we kno causes thinking to happen. and sometimes i hate to think. like now. i start thinking about my x. the long one. and how i miss havin someone to sleep next to. and read with. and hold their hand. someone to write love letters to. and talk on the phone with for hours. then i think how i do some of these thngs with my friends. i go fer tea and read with them. and talk on the telle sometimes and have sleep overs. but its not the same as havin one person. i totally would rather hang out with my friends bc you kno mostly they will be there forever. whereas some guy prolly wont be. but i miss that sometimes. havin that one person. rawr. then i start thinking about how scott is coming here soon. though his arrival time keeps gettin pushed back bc of where hes gonna live out here.. i dunno i keep meetin really cool people and then i start thinking how i cant an shouldnt start anything with them bc scotts coming. which pisses me off bc hes not even here. we arent even dating but im kinda "waiting" for him. but then i remember how much i dig him. but i still get really confused. he might not get here now til like february 20th.. which isnt too far away but its far away enough.. almost a month. i wanna kik something sometimes. heh.. rawr. . i dunno i just feel like i have been waitin so long fer him.. almost 5 months now.. :growel: ARG! arg i say. arg. rawr. heh. rawr cough spit growel. it seems so petty an stoopid.. but this is what happens when you get snowed in. and start thinking.. |
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2002 |
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woh. new years. busy day. an nite. heh. i had to drive around pickin up people, and alkohol. it was nuts. me an justin kissed! :swoon: heh heh hes ausome. we are takin it super super slow. like no expectations. like last nite.. heh.. he was there at makin time. an he was making out with gurls an i was makin out with boys an samantha. an we would dance together an then i would dance off it was ausome. heh it was an insane nite. i made out with jonathan.. devil in his pantaloons boy from rhode island or long island. cubby [jason]. justin :swoon: samantha at 12! yay. this boy evan. oliver :giggles: old school. heh heh heh. and brian tobin. :swoon: hes so cute. goodnes.. it was an ausome nite. ausome ausome. heh heh heh. good times. justin slept over an we got to snugs. it was a good nite. yay. hee hee. xox |
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| Monday, December 31st, 2001 |
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!! DRINK LOTS!! unless you are straightedge. make fun of yr drunk friends then. PARTY HARD!! RING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH FUKIN SMILES + KISSES + HUGS!! HELL YAH!! heh heh.. im gonnabe ringin it in drunk w/ my best friend in phillay + my boy. and a big dance party apperently. heh. yay r5. tee hee hee. :shrugs: its either dance an ignore the scensters. or sit on my ass. and i kinda wanna dance so. ha ha ha. dancing it is. :smiles: x's an o's to all my ho's. xox kiss x kill xox |
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| Sunday, December 30th, 2001 |
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:swoon: my my my.. . . the things you do to me. his names justin. hes portuguise. he likes books alot. he is straightedge. hes 18. he lives in langcaster PA. hes opinionated. hes smart. hes in the band xvincentpricesorphanpowereddeathmachiex. we met at robbys party. his straight edge vegan party. it was fun. he came with us to get milkshakes at johnny rockets. i didnt see him again fer a long time. til my last day of finals. i saw him that nite with a 22 in my hand. he was so so cute. we talked a lil bit but i was dancing alot an runnin around watchin the grindcore bands scream an set things of fire. when we were all leaving to go to pats he was walking with us. he grabbed my hand an we walked and talked about things. it was so cold out yew could see our breath iceicle off our lips. we both like the movie the emperors new groove. but he just got outta a relationship. so i backed off. though i ended up curling up on him at pats apartment. i was so tired. when we left i found out later that he had run out after me to kiss me. but we had already climbed into the taxi to go home. thats all we talk about now.. he tells me all he wants to do is walk around holdin my hand in the cold talking. we have very similar personalities. we both have alot to say. hes amazing. he makes my tummy tickle an my chest soar. hes coming to see me new years eve. hes gonna spend it with me. :dies: how cute! he gave up his new years to be with me. so we can "start the new year off with eachother" thats what he said. oh goodness.. . :smiles: i hope this doesnt fade out like the rest. i hope he doesnt do to me what jason did. i hope alot. i hope things werk out. |
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| Sunday, December 16th, 2001 |
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why do i keep fuking tryin yah know? seriously. i write him letters. emails. i call him occasionally. i am tryin so hard to be a good friend to him. and make him think that i care an that im trying. an i kno how he is. he doesnt listen. he doesnt feel anything but anger. an he will write some fuking email tellin me how childish im being and how i have to grow up because im the one who broke up with him. and the reason i did was because of how he treated me for 2 years. he doesnt see that though an its so sad.. because it hurts so much that he put me through so much shit an i still am gettin blamed for it somehow b.c in the end i was the one who let go.and broke up with him. so its my fault. and becuase i rebounded to akira who gave me something no guy ever did.. AND I STILL COULDNT STAY with him b.c i was so scared an hung up on joe. an how much i loved him. its fukin sick! hes so fuking heartless. " i'd rather forget the days we spent then try to stay afloat in shallow water" savestheday it describes this perfectly because i would give anything to forget all this shit we went through becuase im drowing in shallow water.. by tryin to be his friend.. im sufficating because i get nothin in return. no help. im just a stoopid drama queen who didnt go through anything at all with him. i just got over it real quik. it proves even more how differnt we are... he thinks that i should have mourned over it by not being with anyone.. well guess what? i mourn a lil bit differently.. i rebound. i always have. its like alcohol. why do i drink? to forget. i went through alot an he wont see that becuase he is so thickheaded. it drive me nuts.. super nutz. : cries : i wish i could just let go an stop tryin to show him that i care about him in anywa. im not in love with him anymore but i still lov him. an all i want is for him to show me like i do. in anyway. he calls me his friend but he doesnt act like it. an its not fair. xox |
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| Saturday, December 8th, 2001 |
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meh.. so a lil update bitch session.. yay fer bitching.. so *bOy* got the letter. didnt seem to do much if yew ask me but at least he knows how i feel now. :shrugs: thats all i could have hoped for. he still pisses me off sometimes but thats only b.c he is a jerk. oh well to him. what else is goin on.. meh.. i need to talk to ray i think.. i mean maybe not b.c he definetly doesnt call me as much and he doesnt seem like hes too attatched.. but i dunno crystal seems to think otherwise.. she says that no matter what he says she can tell hes a lil more attatched then i want him to be.. if yew asked me if i was seein anyone i would say no.. i wunder what he would say yah kno? THEN there is kent.. kent is a really sweet nice guy. i enjoy talkin to him and hangin out with him.. when we hung out the other day at the bean.. he had already ordered me tea with lemon + hunny. :smiles: awe.. but i didnt wanna kiss him or anything yah kno? i wanted to keep it slow an steady. but NOOOOOO he kissed me. an i argued a lil bit but not much.. meh.. ask crystal said.. old habits die hard.. its super hard to say no when i like to kiss so much! an im attracted to the boy! RAWR! but i dont really like him like that.. there are boys who i would like to kiss an boys who i would like to have as a boyfriend.. i havent met any boy that i want anything more with.. except scott.. and i dont even kno about him anymore.. he is moving to philly as far as i kno. rawr. meh.. i met this guy last nite.. well i knew him before his names mark. hes a nice guy too. he looks like scott.. which is kinda scary.. i dunno how i feel about that.. meh... anyways.. i have to get ready .. i will write more later.. xox |
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| Sunday, December 2nd, 2001 |
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sew.. i got sick this past weekend. boo to that. i wrote *bOy* a letter tellin him how no matter what i will always lov him. no matter how he treats me an hurts me. things that just needed to be said. yew kno? :shrugs: he hasnt emailed me back. or called. or anything. not that i expected it. because i dont expect anything from him anymore. hes a bad friend an i kno it. but that wont stop me from lovin him. im not in lov with him anymore though. which is a nice feeling. i feel finally free of him. kinda. as far as the abuse goes anyway. hes still abusing me by being a bad friend an sayin things that hurt but. :shrugs: i lov him. oh wells.. heh.. now scott.. that a whole nutha story. i still like him. alot. but i dunno. i have so many doubts. so so many. he says hes gonna move here for a month or so. an thats nice an dandy an all but i dunno what to think about whats gonna happen. with me an him. i kno we'll always be friends. but i like him more then that. an he says he likes me more than that too.. but i just dont kno.. he called me this weekend when i was sick but it was fer split seconds.. not that i really minded.. i mean i dont want him to stop his life or anything.. its just like unless i bring it up he doesnt really say anything about how he feels.. an i dont kno what to think. i sent him a package an he when he called he never even said anything about it. then i asked an he was all oh yah yew cant read yr emails.. an said he liked it.. i was like.. ok... . rawr.. hes so far away.. i dunno if its even worth gettin excited about anymore.. he doesnt get as excited.. and i dunno.. i guess im just playin it by ear. hes an amazing person so no matter what happens i have an ausome friend. :smiles: its just gonna take me some time to get over thinkin anything else will happen.. if it doesnt. :shrugs: what a weekend. what a week.. rawr. i dunno. im always havin these kinda things happening. in my head an stuff. too many boy things. i just wanna be happy with one person.. rawr. i say. rawr. one or none. i dont wanna deal with all the drama. yah kno? an im not. heh. im really not. maybe i need to just stop thinkin so much.. :nods: good call angel. now try to do that.. xox |
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| Tuesday, November 27th, 2001 |
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well.. wow. . okies so last nite i went to the saves the day show. i wasnt supposed to but ray ended up not being able to go. so he told me to take his ticket. so i did. hesitently. meh.. i felt really bad b.c i kno he wanted to go. :shrugs: but i think he is goin tonite. so thats good! :smiles: my lil ray ray.. it was nice seeing him. evan got to meet him an told me i should go out with him. i giggled. yes yes. heh heh. anyways.. so yah. the show was ausome. alot of people were there. i guess i was ok with that. :shivers: SEAN THE DAY WAS there though! yay! he kissed my cheek. :swoon: hee hee hee.. anyways. it was a good show. an im goin again tonite. so thats cool. yay. we met some cool kids last nite from pittsburg. YAY! adventures fer sam an angel. yah yah. heh. so yah. lets see. heh we were bickerin alot about boys an things last nite at the diner. an we both were like we have a really interesting intense relationship. which is troo. heh. were retarded. anyways.. so scott called me though! yay! which made me super happy. i wasnt there but he called. so that means he was thinkin about me. which is a good thing! heh heh heh. :beams: i sent out his package today. it should get there in a few days. YAY! some cds i made. an a lil note. yay! heh heh. [anthony wrote to me in an im - your taste still remains on these lips :dies: ] so yah.. im crushin on some peeps. nothing new huh? ha ha ha.. i really like scott though.. even though i get really discouraged sometimes i still like him the mostest. i like anthony but hes shady sometimes. yew kno hw it is. meh.. weird.. i gots to run i will write more later. on my way to the show. kisses |
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| Saturday, November 24th, 2001 |
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well well. what a world. :grins: i actually had a really rawkin nite last nite. so, yah. this boy anthony called me [ i met him in boston when me and samantha went up to visit her x, but i dont remember meeting him ha ha ha ] an we decided to hang out. he lives in rutherford. but goes to school in boston. with dana! they all go to north eastern. hott. anyways.. so hes such a nrrrd an gets kinda lost. i gave him fabulous directions but whatever. :smiles: so he finally gets here. an i had talked to dana an she wanted to hang out. so we went to her house an me her an ant went to the burb. dan came along too. so yah. we went to the burb. an had some good times. i blew sugar in anthonys general direction. so he poured a whole packet in my hair. i thought it was funny. he didnt really. :shrugs: ha ha ha ha. then we decided we would go cosmic bowling. yah.. the line was a lil too long so we left an went back to danas house. which, by the way, is huge an beautiful. and hung out there. i was gettin not so good vibes from anthony all nite so i didnt hold my breath. i didnt go into this nite thinking anything would happen anyway b.c of the things i heard about him. like hes a player an full of himself. but whatever. so he goes to drop me off around 1am.. an we start talking.. then i get hyper an runn around in the street an play in the leaves an he comes too. so were rollin in the leaves an runnin around the street. hes beatin me up. good times. were talkin an then he starts puttin his hands on my tums an hip bones. it was hott. with two t's. so were playin around. playin some more. hes tickling me. more playing. then were leanin against his car. hes in front of me holdin onto my pants in the front. this whole time mind yew we were both totally flirting.. an tryin to see who would kiss who first.. well so yah.. he kinda lifts me off the ground and we just started kissing. he leaned in an i wasnt about to stop him. i think hes a nice guy. whether or not hes a player i dont care b.c its not like im gonna let myself get attatched. duh. so anyways.. hes a biter/nibbler. which is always a bonus. an the rest of the nite til 5 am was us beating eachother up an making out. it was ausome! ha ha a. we couldnt stop. it was funny. he would grab my head an kisses. an i would say ok ok lets go. i have to go so yew can go to bed. an then we would be stareing at eachother an bam! more kisses. heh. it was amusing. but we ended up hangin out fer an extra 5 hours.. and alot of it was just talking. an some teasing. lots of teasing actually. were both super sarcastic. ha ha ha. but anyways. it was a good nite. i have to go finish up some things now. so more later perhaps. xox |
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| Tuesday, November 20th, 2001 |
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i am SO so pissed right now. so pissed.. like.. if yew touched my head right now yew would get third degree burns.. i fukin hate drama. an thats all i get. is fukin drama. i was talkin to ray. an he told me that sam is really upset at him. shes doesnt even hate him b.c that would be an emotion towards him an she has none. :raises her eyebrow: but its funny.. b.c shes the one that was all ohmygod.. he is so annoying.. he acts so young.. always bitching about him basically.. an then she told him she didnt wanna be with him. an now shes mad b.c me an him hang out. when i was friends with him almost if not longer then she was! then to make matters even more dramatic.. she told him that i was a bigger heartbreaker then she was [ ha! ] an i would tear him apart. basically talked alot of smak about me behind my bak. where as.. she knows how i feel about her. i tell her! so when i say sam is a heartbreaker she fuks with people hardcore she makes them feel like they are her one an only.. an then she ditches them. she only likes people that worship her. an when ray stopped. she got mad. i tell people the truth when i start hangin with them or kissing them. i told ray that he shouldnt get too attatched. that i wasnt gonna be his woman. he knows. an i dont make him feel like hes gonna be my boyfriend. where as she does that kinda shit.. :sighs: it makes me so sad.. b.c people wunder why i feel so alone in philly. b.c everyone is so damn shallow. an out for themselves. growel. fuk movin there. whatever. i just needed to vent. she makes me so mad. b.c she tells me things like.. she loves me. an that she could be totally happy with me. yet she turns around an stabs me in the back like this. talkin smack. whatever. AH! i hate drama i do. xox |
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gRR. i should be lil more upset yah kno? i think the *bOy* is gettin serious with this new lady. but suprisingly im not. i dont really care. its just too bad that it has to end like this. but like i always say.. i wnt surround myself with people who dont care about me or make me smile or make an effort.. an he doesnt.. this was his response to my email.. i sent him my one journal entry.. since it was after all to him.. his response.. so this is goodbye? what a frien yew are. im content with keeping things the way they are [ of course he is im making all the fukin effort ] some consideration is a nice thought every now an then. on both parts, and yew've been writin more then i have. im sorry i have been slacking, but heres a soution stop being friends with me... that'll work. i dont wanna hook up anymore an im sure yew dont either..and thats fine. but now your gonna walk out an not be friends anymore because i dont tell yew everything thats happening??? im not even gonna respond to that becasue i kno i will say something i regret later. i'd rather talk to you about this. call me when yew can. joe. ha. ok. first off i didnt say i didnt wanna be friends. i said i was gonna treat how he treated me. like an aquantence. an yes, i didnt wanna hook up with him anymore. duh. why does he think i didnt have sex with him last time i was home? whatever. nicole is comin over soon to come get me an were gonna have coffee an catch up. a real friend. someone who gives a shit about me. how nice. :smiles: i will write more later i am sure. xox |
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[ tonite i cant forget that ive got these open wounds its such a drag ] i miss scott. alot. its gettin worse an worse as time goes on. an its like we talked about it. so its all good. he said that he really really likes me. we talked about how all our friends thought we were all crazy b.c we are so far from eachother but we dont care. we are so into the friendship an so into eachother. in such awe. its beautiful. an no matter what happens we will always be friends b.c we are just so into eachothers personalities. its amazing. hes fabulous. :smiles: :sighs: i wanna see him though. i havent seen him since early august.. maybe even late july.. an then he was still with marissa an we kinda were sillie shy. we talked alot at the show but it was still weird. an the time before that he said he had wanted to kiss me but he knew he couldnt [marissa] but he wanted to. an now we have these feelings an its just amazing but hes in wisconsin. meh. he will be finishin up skool soon though an then he said he might move here! that would be ausome. i think i would die. heh just to hang out with him. would be so nice. an to hold him fer a lil bit an talk to him in person an not over the telle or computer. to see him smile. he has an amazing smile. he is amazing. :sighs: if he was here.. an things did werk out i would want him fer my own. until then.. i have to keep movin around an movin on. but there is still a huge part of me thats waitin fer him.. an i think thats bad.. but it also feels so refreshing.. i havent felt like this in so long. so into someone! i just hope it all werks out in the end. fer better or worse i want him to be happy. its so weird fer me.. b.c i like him so much. but hes far. an i kno i cant stop my life to wait an see if he really likes me enough to wanna be with me. but who knows where he will move? an end up werkin? i dunno if i really can handle that. its scary to think about. but i would never use that word to describe it. to him anyways. thats how i feel though. like i dunno what to do but wait til he comes to see me or i can get money to see him. meh! like.. ok last nite i hung out with samantha an her new mann jeremy. i was brought out to entertain his friend ricky. ricky is an ausome guy. he has done so much an hes only 19! an hes fun. we got into a fist fight an he threw me on the ground an we were rolling around in the leaves. an he picked me a rose. an he was just real interesting to talk to. an then he kissed me. an i was alil weirded out but not really. hes nice an cute an covered in tattoos. mee hee. yah but like when he kissed me all i could think about was how much i wanted to kiss scott. an hug him. an then there is Ray. i lov the kidd to death. he knows whats up. we have a good time together. we get along. hes a scorpio. ha ha ha ha. but like we get along an have a good time together. saturday all we did that nite was watch horror movies which we ended up making out to. it was so hott. we were watchin horror movies so there was screamin in the background an we were makin out. HOTT i tell yew. hott. heh. an me an him ended up havin the coolest dirtyest kinkiest sex ever. heh. well maybe not ever but close enough. an it was so much fun! but we have fun not havin sex an hangin out. so thats why he is cool. but the same thing happens with him! i think about scott an how i like ray but what happens if scott comes out here an i wanna be with him? what will ray think? will he be mad at me? jerk! yew kno. its so confusing. but at the same time not b.c scott makes me smile. an if he is fukin with me i will kill him. an be really really heartbroken. but who knows. we shall see. right? im goin home tomorrow fer turkey day. yay! i miss everyone so badly. meh.. an im gettin a sore spot on my nose. like its gonna become a pimple. i hate that. ray totaly ripped apart my neck. hott.. heh heh.. meow.. its funny we were so close to just doin it on the concrete wall by the pier. naughty us! we didnt though of course. it was too cold but. still. it would have been hott. heh heh.. angel HEARTS scott. xox |
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| Saturday, November 17th, 2001 |
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dear *bOy* - [ I'm writing you this letter to let you know I'm not alright. And in this city the streets are paved with hate And you cry yourself to sleep tonight. And say "no, there aren't enough love songs in the sky." You counted down the days till you could say "Bye-bye, city, bye-bye" You're walking down on Union You see the roads and know they're apart of you. ] yr supposed to be my friend. thats what we always said we would be. but what is goin on? really. yew got mad at me fer writing an email to all my good friends who knew the situation with what had been goin on fer the past 2 weeks, all the shit with the apartment an my family an everything. i sent the email out so everyone who cared an had asked would kno what was goin on. an YEW were the only one who got mad. sayin it was impersonal. i should have called. an this makes me a bad person. i 'won' yew 'lost' game over.. all b/c i said it was sillie of yew to be gettin so upset WHEN YEW NEVER TELL ME SHIT. [ I'm writing you a second time. To let you know nothing here has changed. The streets are still paved with hate. So you can cry yourself to sleep tonight. ] who long was yr mom sick for? and how long did it take yew to tell me? a month? two months? THAT to me is pretty important. an it took yew so long AFTER I ASKED YEW HOWS YR FAMILY HOS YR MOM AN MATT AN GRAMMA AN DAD an yew never told me. its like i had to beat it outta yew that something was wrong. YEW NEVER send me emails. YEW NEVER call me. YEW NEVER send me antying in the mail. yew ARE NOT EVEN TRYING to be friends. when i im yew. yew barely talk. i asked yew specific questions an yew give me one werd answers. IM TRYING. yr not. when i brought it to yr attention yew finally told me some things.. a gurl yew had been hangin out with fer 3 weeks [ thanks fer tellin me ] YEW GAVE JODI away. jeez joe.. that seems kinda important an yew didnt tell me that either. EVEN AFTER WE TALKED. an i STILL get no emails. no calls. but yew bitch me out fer writing a mass email to like 5 people. i WAS INCLUDING YEW IN IT. i thought maybe yew might wanna kno. EVEN THOUGH YEW NEVER FUKIN ASK ME WHATS GOIN ON WITH THE APARTEMENT. WHATS GOIN ON WITH SCHOOL. YEW NEVER ASK ME! i shouldnt have even sent yew the email in the first place b/c its not like yew gave much of a shit anyway. i send yew emails about me. lengthy ones. i told yew about my mom + dennis. i told yew about school an boys i was seeing. b/c i though as my friend yew would wanna kno whats goin on with me. but i dont matter much. b/c i never got much bak. the 3 sentence email with the same ol bullshit. skool suks. the band is ok. the end. but im the bitch. i ' win ' yew ' lose ' game over. [ this is yr cue to rudely sign off ] [ You streipped away the street signs and shot out all the stop lights. If you smashed away all the buildings what would you have left? ] there feels like there is nothing left. remember the coffee place? cool beans? remember what we talked about an how i felt like there was nothing to hold onto? it never went away. yr words were not comforting b/c yew still arent even acting like a friend to me. but i kno.. sadly enough it would be different if we were goin out. because all yew want is the title. and the booty calls. when i took that away look what happend. i get nothing. i lose a friend when my sanity is in jeopardy an yew tell me that yew understand. i kno why yew broke up with me angelique i understand an its ok. but *bOy* yew are missing something. yr missin the whole friendship thing. yew really cant have gurlfriends unless yew are hookin up with them can yew? b/c yew treat me like all of them. when something doesnt go yr way.. yew stop talkin to them. avoid them. stop emailing them. no more fone calls. an yew did that to me too. i became one of them. well fine. yew can do things like that. i wouldnt wait around fer yew to shape up an treat me right as yr gurlfriend. shit in two years yew couldnt even relize how much yew ment to me an treat me like a human being an love me. im sure as fuk not gonna wait around fer yew to shape up as a fukin friend. im still gonna email yew every once in a while. an treat yew like yew treat me. an aquantence. the emails to say hi an im still breathing [ funny i never get them from yew ] but no more hand written letters. or fone calls. they certainly arent appreciated. i give an get nothing back. an im done with it. xox |
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rawk + roll. i needed another journal to write in. one where non of my friends kno it so i can just totally go off an vent. like now.. ha ha ha ha.. its not fair i say.. my week is gettin better.. its the end of the last week.. i still have alot of shit to do.. tomorrow i have to go over to the ghe-tto an get a hearing date to argue a ticket i got. that was totally given to me wrongfully. so i gotta do that. balls. an i have homewerk to do too. an then i think me an ray are hangin out again. heh.. ray.. tonite he had a show/party. all his friends got together an put on a show fer him fer his birthday. so i decided to go. it was pretty good. i got to hang out with aimo. which was nice. since i havent seen her in forever. an ashi was there. an lotsa other people that i have met a lil an hung out with. it was cool. i had alot of funn. an so did ray so that was cool. an his DAD is hilarious. he 'oogles' every gurl. its so funny. meh. me an him had a 'confrence' about ray an we were talkin about how he was with sam [my best friend ] an how ashi really likes ray even though they are best friends. his dads cool. our 'confrence' was weird though. heh. he told me to forget about sam an ashi an told me i should just go fer ray b/c hes a really good guy. an i told him that me an ray are making nice nice as friends. an thats it fer now. it was funny though. but the show was rad. an hangin out with all them kidz was rad. i have a crush on sean the day. he looks like chris from saves the day so everyone calls him sean the day. heh. hes fabulous. an we all had a dance party in the closet there too in between bands. they played jay z, bubba something, ja rule, etc. it was funny. good times. :grins: then we went to a diner after. which was nice b/c i lov diners. so it was a good nite. i felt kinda bad though b/c i was supposed to go to this party in NY with kira head an i bailed out. i just didnt feel like goin an i have so much to do. i just wasnt feelin it. then ray called an asked if i wanted to go.. an since i already told kira i wasnt gonna go with him.. i just went over to rays. i dont think thats too bad. since i wasnt ditchin out on kira since i had already told hiim i wasnt goin.. :smiles: right? meh. yah.. an then there is scott.. what do i do about that? i really like him alot. as a person he is so so amazing. we get along so so well. an we are so in awe an into eachother. i totally look forward to talkin to him an gettin emails from him. an we are on the same wave length about everything. but i dunno. i mean, ok so he lives in chicago an goes to skool in wisconsin. he MIGHT move to philly fer a lil bit. but its not definete. an we have already come to the conclusion that no matter what we will be friends. b/c that definetly means so much more to me then anything else. but as of right now.. he is the only guy i wanna get serious with. meh.. no one else does it for me like he does.. :smiles: :sighs: he makes me have butterflies in my tummy an chest. whenever we talk. :sighs: hee hee.. :purrz: well thats all thats runnin thru my mind right now. this is it. heh heh. yah. no ones readin this anyway. so its all good. im just VENTING. xox |
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LiveJournal for made of metal.
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disappointed.
moody.
restless.
sick.
bouncy.
loved.
anxious.
excited.
mischievous.
enraged.
amused.
drained.