Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in Ross' LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 50 ]

Wednesday, August 28th, 2002
12:44 am	ok, here we go, since im' here we get the multi-entry days dear will, so i forgot my toothbrush. damn the man. i'm settling in. things are seeming so normal its crazy. saw brett a bit tonite. i sleep in tomorrow. classes start the next day. reckon i'm ready for bed love ross (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 27th, 2002
8:20 pm	i know where the summer goes dear will thanks again b&s; for a good lj title. so its 8:00 here in 218 blackstone. today was long and crazy and i'm tired but i'm so full of adrenaline that i cant sleep or nap. so i woke up at 6:30. i couldn't sleep well last nite. too much on my mind. i was up til 12ish. then i got ready and left the house with dad. the ride went quick. we listened to the who, beta band, rodney dangerfield, and velvet underground. then i was here. 4 hour ride today. not sure why so long. but it seemed quick. and we unpacked with the help of dana and natalie: thanks guys sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!! and got everything up in my room. then we went to harris for lunch and SAW STUART!! hahahahhaahahahahha, i was so happy. then i got back and got everything out of boxes and said bye to my dad. he gave me 50 bucks. i couldn't belive it. i feel like he's suddenly coming around and trying to make up for what i was raised with. i wonder if his therapy is doing it. i dunno. but it felt nice today to be with him. but he left and i saw natalie one on one. it was so great to see her. i missed her a lot. i dont know how it happened but we became best friends last year and this summer was hard without her. but now we're back and in many ways its like we never split up. it is just so comforting to see her. it was great to see dana, sarah, and chris, and josh too. this would be school josh. i think work josh, and greene josh are out of the picture. so this josh, aka sushi, is cool. one of my friends here. somewhere along the way kristen and john came over. it was great to see them. we visited for a half hour or so. i missed them so much. i cant wait to go back to their place and see whats up there. my room is.... i dunno... its just amazing. its bigger than my room at home. twice the size of natalies. i got so lucky. its not as warm (emotionally) as natalies room... but i'm working on it. its covered COVERED in posters. we've got: velvet underground, reservoir dogs, 2 travis, 4 b&s;, breakfast club, pink floyd, scream, the shining, the who, indiana jones, spinal tap, weezer, rushmore, royal tenenbaums, and more are coming. its great. i like it so much. we need to buy a rug tomorrow. so we shall. i want to buy a table. i could fit a nice little table in here to study and eat at. theres so many possibilities. so much floorroom. i plan to have many sleepovers and parties here. oh, and MUCH SEX!! with the monkeys... mmm!!! well... sorry, that was a SVEN joke and i'm not sure anyone besides me and ryan would get it. and ryan is... well... i dunno. Ryan if you still read this, please email me. but anyway, thanks to my white duct tape all those posters are up. christmas lights are up halfway around my room. fridge is up and running, tv, vcr, dvd player, snes, all up and running. computer is set. the fan is fucking amazing. so big so coool. thank the lord. there's this b&s; song about summer or something... and the following words kept running through my head: AT THE GATE I WAVE GOODBYE TO THE FRIENDS THAT WERE MY LIFE i kept hearing them. god it was hard to hear that and keep thinking of andrea and lindsay. and oh it is a sad song. this whole EP is sad. This is just a moder rock song. pick it up. its great. strange i've got a poster of it up! CONTACT INFO: my room number: 860-439-3276 for you conn people thats just 3276... cos i cannot remember what it is! my address is the same as before... which i cannot remember... and yeah you can send me LOTS OF PACKAGES!!! ross morin 270 mohegan avenue new london ct 06320 box 4377 i'm outta here to go see the froshes in my old room!! I LOVE MY SINGLE. christ... i'm gonna love it when i can even fathom the fact i'm here. love ross Current Mood: overstimmed Current Music: b&s; i know where the summer goes (Comment on this)
7:25 am	see ya and i'm outta here. see ya next break. goodbye maine and hellooooooo conn (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 26th, 2002
10:40 pm	here we go again dear will, so this is it again. i just got here. i just got here and was training myself on running a mile. i just got here to maine and was getting in shape and losing weight. i just got to maine and was hanging out with my friends robert and ryan and lindsay all the time. i just got to maine and jeremy was here being an asshole. i just got to maine and was still thinking about max. i just got to maine and the leaves weren't on the trees yet. i just got to maine and i hadn't roofed yet. i just got here... i just got here.... and now i'm back in LIMBO. i'm in maine... but my friends are not here. i said goodbye. they are gone. i'm not in CT yet. and i haven't met my friends there yet. i'm not really anywhere. i leave at 8 in the AM. cah-riste. today was hard. my emotions have been high lately. i dont mean high as in happy, i just mean strong. i've been angry, depressed, sad, happy, all of it. and going through the cycles. that must mean a life-altering change is about to take place - SCHOOL! its weird cos for some people their school lives are similar to their home lives. not for me. they are very very different. for example. i cannot say "nigga" here. and my friends are different and for the most part i dont talk wtih my college friends. when i'm at college its the same way. i dont talk so much with my homefriends. i still love them very much... but i just dont talk with them the same way. its weird. but its an understanding we have. today i had lunch with janet. *she cried a lot.* then andrea came over and we watched OPEN YOUR EYES. which was the same thing as vanilla sky. i mean the same thing. only i thought i liked it better. They're the same, but different. i dont understand why vanilla sky existed. then we sat on the porch. then we said goodbye. and *we both cried* a little bit. it was one of the alltime greatest goodbyes. up there with natalie's and one where i said goodbye to my mom years years ago. and with the goodbye i said to my highschool. those were excellent goodbyes. then my grandmother came over to say goodbye. *and she cried*. then i left to go to my dad's house for supper to say goodbye to them. on the way it really hit me. i think i just kept picturing andrea over and over again and those ten seconds in my doorway and how loved i felt... and it hit me really hard and *i started bawling.* really bad. i nearly had to pull over cos i couldn't see. my eyes water right now to think of saying goodbye to her. and i snapped her brastrap at the end. it ALMOST made light of the moment. i pulled into my dads house still crying and tried to think of happythings. supper was good. salmon. so much seafood lately. then i said goodbye to sue. *she didnt cry*. i will see my dad tomorrow. then i came home and lindsay came over and we went to return my game dr which didnt work well enough to fix my cds my brother broke. that fucker. i was so pissed. i forgot to mention my goodbye to my brother yesterday. we were driving to my grandmothers and out of the blue i told him that he had to be a better son to mom. i told him that he makes mom cry all the time. i told him that has to stop. he's not the man of the house. she is the mother. but he is the son. and he will be a good son. i told him that. *and i cried* anyway then lindsay helped me pack THANKS LINDSAY AND ANDREA FOR THE PACKING HELP!!!! and she wore my X-BOX hat. it looked cute. and then we sat at the 'island' pretending to avoid the inevitable. but i told her we had to say goodbye. cos i said i'd done too many goodbyes today. i said i would sit this one out. but we said goodbye anyway and it wasn't too hard. *no one cried* then i said goodnight to my mom and she got really sad *and she cried* and said she couldn't believe i was leaving already. If i make this many people unhappy i should be shot. anyway its bed time. i must be up early. i need my sleep. love ross Current Mood: tense Current Music: b&s; - i know where the summer goes (Comment on this)
12:00 am	(tell me why) i dont like mondays dear will, tomorrow is monday which means its my last day here. i wish i could say that like natalie, this has been the best summer ever... but i dont wanna lie. its had some worst-ever moments. and its had some great things that came out of it. I mean... as awful as a lot of it was, most of it has been wrapped up and i'm ready to move on. to remain here much longer... i suppose, would be unhealthy. today at the birthday party a most interesting thing happened. my uncle, larry, who as i mentioed during my wedding entry, has never actually talked with me before, he approached me. he had seen my film, Shiver, and it touched him from a different perspective than i guess i had intended. he told me he had watched me grow up with my father. He told me how he had always seen that my dad favored my brother and ignored me because my brother liked sports. He told me it had been the same for him growing up. his father had ignored him because he couldn't talk to him about sports. He told me that my aunt always says how our family is so great... but how he thinks its no better than any other family. in fact, he said, he thinks its worse. He told me how no one talks about the things that are wrong. everything is suppressed. He talked about how he felt that sports represented suppression. if you didnt like sports, you were excluded because no one wanted to talk about real things. my father, and his father, only talk about fake things. things with no substance. and it is impossible to talk with my dad, or his dad unless it is about sports or business. i thought about this summer. and i realized i had lunch with my dad like four times and that was all i had seen of him this whole summer. i thought about the letter i wrote for my dad telling him that "although we've never had the relationship you've wanted, and that we've never been best friends, i'm more proud of you than i ever have been before and love you more than ever" and how my dad was so upset because he thought we were best buddies. the letter struck him as such a shock. he had no idea we weren't buds. and he went on to deny it and say that i misspoke in my letter. my point wasn't taken and my emotions were lost. He would have rather had a joke that had no relevance. So not only when i try to speak with him does he not listen, but he denies what i say. He has disrespected my beliefs on religion. And he favors and likes my brother more because my brother talks about things my dad can handle. Larry was denied and neglected the same way i was and as Larry told me this he cried a little and i cried a little. we talked for an hour about growing up without fathers, and in fear of our father's rejections. We had this huge talk about it. Then he asked me what it was like with my mom. and i told him how with my mom, she was not my mother, instead i was her father. and my brother was the golden boy. I was never a child to either of them. It is no wonder i felt like i didnt have a childhood. but that is besides the point. i revealed to him that i believe that i'm posessed with a power thats bigger than the pain. just as the other day i told josh about my gift to see people Larry understood that i, too, have that gift. he could tell from Shiver that i saw and understood more than anyone in the entire family did. and to talk today to realize that I disliked my family and its lies... really made him feel more at ease. It was the strangest thing. It really was. then it was like my whole family has this new respect for me since they saw my film. my grandmother and my aunt, denise. I can tell by the way they talk to me. For the first time EVER i felt like they actually cared about me. this was after my talk with larry. I felt... i didnt feel like i was still 8 years old hiding in the basement crying as i used to do at every family party. i was so scared of my family. A year or so ago i had a talk similar to that of larry's with my aunt danielle. and somehwere between with denise. and then with my grandmother this summer the two talks i had. its like all of a sudden i'm being noticed that i'm hiding. it took them... 16 years to realize i wasn't talking, that i was hiding. i suddenly have begun to feel like i exist. the weirdest thing. the weirdest fucking thing. and i dont know how i feel. and they all tell me the same thing... each of them... they all tell me they wish my father had loved me more. and thats really hard to hear. they have the same wish i do. family life has sucked this summer. big time. after the party i went to EB and bought a... yes, i know... a DISC DR!!! so now i can fix all my broken discs. yay for me. then i came and napped for an hour until josh appeared, but i couldn't move and was so dehydrated and sick feeling i couldn't move. he gave me a lot of water. and made me feel all better. we talked for a while then lindsay came over and we all walked to sams. this was at 9 at nite. and i got a pizza. then we sat around for a little bit and i asked lindsay to leave so i could say bye to josh. the goodbye to josh went ok. it coulda gone a lot worse. who knows what the future holds. i got a call from greene josh tonite wishing me a good year. i hope so. i really do. i wished him the same. i saw work josh at work. he wished me a good one. its so sad saying bye. tomorrow iv'e got to say bye to andrea and lindsay. i'm not sure i'm going to survive. what a day love ross (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 25th, 2002
12:05 pm	the world aint slowin down dear will, thanks to brett for introducing me to that song. altho it doesn't give me as many orgasms as it does him, it seems an appropriate title. yesterday.... yesterday... yesterday... i dont remember yesterday... oh oh oh yeah i do. ok, i woke up with my mom pounding on my door. ugh. i had to go shopping with her. so we went to austins and got lunch. it was good. then to wal*mart, then BJs then CVS then office max (which included furniture max, tech max, and a cashier named maxx) then home finally and i took a nap because i was tired. so tired. then i packed some more and went to visit chris at his house and drop off his dvds. damn... chris is the man. we talked for an hour and it went by like ten minutes. it was like there just wasn't enough time to talk with him. christ, hes just such an amazing figure to me. and yet i felt comfortable enough to act out a THE STATE skit involving walking like i had underwear wedged up my butt. he laughed. then i told him i had to go cos i was expecting andy to come over for supper. so i ran home to cook up supper and i called andy but he was shopping. but i continued cooking supper for him and my mom. andy still hadn't come home when it was ready. we set a place for him and everything. so we ate without him and he called in the middle to say he was with some girl. i was really upset. i asked when he'd come and he said definitely no later than 8. the supper was good. and i talked with andrea about her and lindsay sleeping over that nite and they said they would like to. so it was gonna be a big sleepover fest. i packed up my posters for my room. but andy did not come before 8 and i started getting really depressed about EVERYTHING. about leaving, about him not really caring to see me.... shit like that and i was really sad. so i called the girls in defeat and told them to come over (i had really wanted to see andy one on one, but alas i could not since he wasn't coming). i stood outside in the rain under a tree. the girls came and ten minutes later so did andy. he apologized, but i still wasn't feeling any less depressed. but he gave me a really big hug and bought us some sushi, so i forgave him. and felt better. i had been depressed... but i felt ok then. so we ate sushi and wassabi and felt like vomiting (which meant we were full) and then we watched BLACK CHRISTMAS. and it was scary the second time, too. not AS scary of course, but pretty damn disturbing. andy liked it. but i think i like it most. natalie, you will have to see it and be the deciding factor. then we ate some soy ice cream we picked up. it was good. then we got out my video camera which hadn't even appeared this summer!!! and filmed dumbness. it was fun. then we watched the state til like 4 in the morning. then we fell asleep. it was really nice. but i didnt get much sleep. and i'm so tired right now at noon on sunday and i have to go to my grandmothers birthday party now and i'm soooo tired. damn. love ross (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 24th, 2002
1:36 am	i listened and i heard music in a word, words when you play your guitar dear will, today was wonderful. i woke up and the chix came over (andrea, lindsay, kristen) and we went to go play frisbee golf. it was soooooo much fun. for 4.50 and it lasted 2 hours. its in the woods and we throw it down paths.... oh man it was just so great. it was beautiful and there were many pictures taken. many many. we have become obsessed with picture taking this summer. big time. i'm not as bad as they are. lindsay and andrea are PSYCHO over pictures... hahaha. not really. maybe i'm in denial. who am i to talk, i had my whole obession with my video camera last year. ok, ok, so maybe i can just use PROJECTION and say they're nuts. did i mention i won at frisbee golf? yeah i did. by many many points. ANYWAY afterwards we came back and sat around talking about sexuality and sex. then kristne left. and it was for school. as in i wont see her til december. and then after that... probably not til the next december. this was the end of my relationship with her as i know it. which is really really hard for me to handle. and i... i dunno. we said we'd talk online... but i think we both know... its over. and maybe thats why i've had a really sick feeling in my stomach all afternoon/evening. really really sick. and i've been on the edge of tears. i mean.... kristen and i shared a lot. and altho we were basically exact opposites... we were also very very similar. i loved her like i love my other friends. she's one of them: kristen, andrea, lindsay, robert, andy... would-be-ryan, and me. lucky seven. or... six... well five now... cos i dont know things will ever be ok with her again. seeing her a few days at xmas... and then not again for another year. i feel awful it has to be like that. after kristen left i ignored my feelings tho and did not realize i felt all that. and i only felt sick to my stomach. i called josh to come over. but he was an hour late and i played Jurassic Park. i forgot the game isn't very good. but it is fun. he came over and we talked a bit. then to shaws and i got a pizza... a spinach and mushroom and garlic pizza. he went to wendys and we came back and ate and watched jurassic park 3... which on video... looks so awful and fake and whatever looked so good in theaters... was not good here. i mean when i saw it i thought it was a shit film at theaters... but on the small screen... oh boy... it was just sad and pathetic. and i love william h macy and sam neill. i just dont understand. then we came upstairs and talked more and it was finally revealed why i'm so upset and i kinda was crying about kristen, but also about andrea and lindsay. not to mention my feelings for josh and how confusing this keeps on being. we are broken up. theres no getting around that. but i still kinda like him and he is in love with me. so its really kinda weird and confusing. but i still feel good with him and stuff. so ok, thats him. but back to andrea and lindsay.... well... let me actually go on to tell about after he left he left at nine and i called lindsay immediately and said 'we need to go to andreas, work, hide in her truck and shoot her with water guns when she gets out' so lindsay came right over. i drove in the caddy over to Movie Gallery and we parked down the road, ran up and hid in front of her truck in a little ditch. i was flat to the ground and looking under her truck to see if she was coming. and my neck hurt and i couldn't see clearly. it was so funny. we were there 15 minutes. lying there in front of the car. as other cars drove in and out of the driveway and down the road. we saw a car drive up and drop off a movie, and another car who decided to drop off a cat at the door. that was funny. then we were attacked by the cat so we squirted it with the gun. and it ran away. finally andrea came out and we ran out at her and squirted her yelling "freeze!" and she looked kinda scared but not really. it was just fun. then we drove around for like an hour, i was showing off the "sport" mode on the car. we went all over auburn/lewiston. on the turnpike, to the mall, to the playground, uh... everywhere. we ended up at the fairview school playground looking at the stars and sitting on swings. it was beautiful. it was cold. then back to my place and i ate two waffles and they sat and we talked. and then i took andrea home and came back. but there were many thoughts on my mind the entire day/nite. and most of them are about leaving. i just dont want to leave them. things are different with them. different from how they've ever been before. i feel ten times closer than i used to. i finally feel that between lindsay and i there are almost no walls left to break down. i feel that the fight andrea and i had... altho i fucked up big... it showed me how much she means to me. and how i'll never let anything like that happen again. i feel like its not high school relationships were talking here... its the real thing. like real... unconditional, powerful, love. and altho i'm leaving and i'm not scared of losing them (i know i wont) i'm going to miss them because i love them. i love them so much. and to sit here with tears in my eyes saying it... is really hard. cos things were so good this summer... and we've all grown up so much and we're even better friends than before... it all just hit me today and its really hard to accept that i'm just leaving them and i feel like i'm abandoning them in some ways... I told josh today that i have a gift. this is true. i was given a gift to see people as they really are. and i was also given a second gift... the second one came from my parents who taught me how to appreciate people and how to give justice in the world. and combining these two... i surround myself with people who i see are beautiful on the inside and i treat them in ways that i hope they realize are with complete appreciation, respect, and love. there are some people who i can also see have sour souls. who are bad people. not necessarily... bad... but negative. like my brother. and the way i deal with that is to ignore and hate and give no respect to him. other people i've met along the way.... have been treated similarly. but andrea and lindsay and kristen and rob and andy... i would die for. i'm going to bed because i'm really sad. love ross Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: mercury rev (Comment on this)
Friday, August 23rd, 2002
10:53 am	i saw the signs... or... sign... the movie dear will, so today i woke up and kristen and i went to Little lads for waffles. oh so good. as always. then we played tennis. we played an 8 game pro set and i won. but it was so close. we played awesome today. it was 7 to 8 and i won by like two points. it was so fun. then i went to work for the last time. i tried to make it in five minutes (cos i've never done it before) but failed miserably cos of the stupid cars i was following. damn them. work was ok. anthony was fun. as always. andrea visited me! it made me so happy to see her. and she brought me some natural soda! it was great. and we went on my break together. it was fun. then josh came in and his sister was with him. we chatted a bit. we decided we would all go to the movies to see signs. so kristen, andrea, lindsay, josh, natasha (his sister) and i met at hoyts at 9:15... well i was late from work. but we made previews. thank god. review SIGNS: after hearing that this movie was excellent i expected something to surpass my expectations. instead i got what i thought i would get from the trailer. it was a dumbass movie. and i mean why shouldn't it have been? ok, so the sixth sense ended up being this HUGE hit. it was scary at points. but was it really any good? and then unbreakable, that was all very iffy. if looked at as a trilogy of sorts, it only shows how disappointing things can end up. especially signs. its about aliens. its about god. its about a dysfunctional family. this is independance day + american beauty + the seventh seal.... and what does it equal? a big glob of shit. it doesn't work. he tries to tackle all these different ideas, but ends up hopping from one place to the next. there is not one surprise in this movie except for the fact that it omits a climax. there was no excitement, no fear. no tension. the characters dont grow or change. its boring and dull. we all were yawning. it teetered on the brink of entertainment at points... but there was no substance. 2 stars (of five) FUCK!!!! I FORGOT TO POST THIS LAST NITE!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!! OH LOVE ME (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
2:28 am	the ordeals of watching movies in so little time i ndear will, today i woke up and went to go get my nazi jacket BUT IT WAS GONE! damn the man! i was pissed. oh well. then to andreas and we watched review: THE SEVENTH SEAL: This movie tackled every aspect of humanity in one and a half hours. using charicatures, Bergman made his points clear about human nature. He tackled questions about religion, about life, about death, and about thinking about it. And with such silence and with such lines that seemed like you could write any sentence down and it was perfect to go on a page a day calendar... which of course cheapens the effect... but seriously, every line was perfect dialogue. funny, scary, exciting. They dont make movies like this these days. so simple about such complex questions. 5 stars (of five) then i drove quickly to work and made it with five minutes to spare. it was close. its so hard to watch movies! i cant even believe it! i've watched so many movies at multi settings. its crazy. so work was good today. it was my last day with ritchie. tomorrow will be my last day at all. its with anthony. i like him a lot. so i look forward to work. lindsay came in to see me at work at six. i ate a meatball sub at papa ginos and we went and bought cookie dough mix (organic) at shaws. then at work, this guy came in to sell me his jurassic park game! i was so happy about that. and he was so cute. anthony and i decided he's gay but doesn't know it yet. so damn. and i wanted him so bad. but i got the game. for five bucks. after work i came home and was joined by andrea and lindsay and kristen and we made the cookies and took lots of pictures. i haven't seen my mom in days. she hasn't seen me since i got my haircut. i finished Leon (the professional) tonite. review LEON (THE PROFESSIONAL): released in america as "the professional" this was the directors cut with 24 added minutes of footage. it was exciting, romantic and twisted. the relationship between the adult man and the 12 year old girl was a little scary. It was reminescent of silence of the lambs (Plot wise) which are obvious if you see the film. It wasn't about people as much as it was about relationships. and it had a great plot too. rarely do you see a film that captures both so wonderfully. and without being sappy or milking anything. two great movies in one day 4.5 stars (of five) and now im talking with dan, josh, nat and bobby. sleep time tho love ross Current Mood: happy Current Music: smog (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
2:15 am	rabbits, cats, prairie dogs and prarie mantle dear will, today was great. i think. i'm not sure. i've been asleep/awake for an hour now. today began with me waking up and going to go get my hair cut down at Roga's. and i look like a nazi again. only without my eyebrow ring its not as badass... altho i'm not sure cos i haven't actually seen myself in a mirror. i mean i have but i've forgotten. sorry i'm half asleep. anyway then andrea came over and we watched review THE PRINCESS AND THE WARRIOR: run lola run was exciting. it was a fuckin trip of pure excitement. this follow up movie proves that twyker is pure and perfect talent. the camerawork is just as busy as the plot, combined with the music, this film was no let down. If not for a rather grey ending, characters which weren't always understood, and subplots that really led nowhere, this film would have been perfect. twyker took your regular fairy tale and turned it into an exhilarating character study which included, but was not limited to, discussion of fate, love, morals and politics. if you liked run lola run, you must see this movie. Tho not as heart-thumping, your faith in tom twyker will be that of a god. 4.5 stars (of five) and i had five mintues after we finished it to get to work. so i sped as fast as i could and got to work one minute late. no one cared. but i noticed. work was ok today. it was with chris and ritchie. i designed many a puh-si-oh-tai card and rulebook tonite. i'll have to share it with you later, will. its funny. i bought PULP FICTION and JACKIE BROWN collector editions which came out today. oh tres exciting!! they are awesome. josh visited me at work... both joshs did. work josh came with my dvds i lent him. and ex josh came with himself and we went on my break together. he's really really nice. then work ended and lindsay and andrea came over and so did josh and we went out to the ballpark and lied watching the stars. it was perfect and fun and funny. its times like this i wish the summer would NEVER end. we got to talking about prairie dogs and i tried to make a pun about Perry Mason and say "prairie mason" but i couldn't remember mason so i said mantle and it was so funny because it did not make sense at all. then we came back here and sat around and i dont even know what we did but it was fun. josh staye another hour later and that was when i began to fall asleep and drift in and out of reality. he was giving me a massage. it felt really good. and then he left. and here i am and i'm soooooo tired. i hope to go buy the nazi jacket tomorrow i get my jurassic park game!! if the guy remembers... hmmm.... i will call andrea when i wake up and shell go to SA with me. i hope we can watch a movie that we've been wanting to as well... but time is so tight! tomorrow nite we hope to make chocolate chip cookies. hahah i typed Gookies. which makes me think of vietnam. and i dont need to get started on that. sleep time love ross Current Mood: tired Current Music: mercury rev (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
2:47 am	the priest in the booth had a photographic memory for all he had heard dear will, i will never forget the time my mother told me about my now deceased grandfather, "he thinks war is good" He thinks war is good. and that was when i realized i wasn't like my grandfather. and that sentence to me, as an eight year old explained to me everything about my grandfather and i knew i would never be accepted by him. I remember telling myself i would wait until he was dead to tell my mom about being gay. and i did. whats more tho is what it said about me. I think war is bad. i think its awful. deaths are awful. fighting is awful and it gets us nowhere. i am against the army's existance. if not for the need to defend our country and my safety, i would hate everything about it. My friend robert is in the army. I wonder what he thinks about war. I think he believes in it. my friends all think robert is this amazing guy. i like robert but i like him for very different reasons than the rest of my friends do. where they had respect for his going to the army, for instance, i had utter dislike and distaste. i did not believe in his actions. He went for the money. i feel like he sold his soul. because he came out a different person. they brainwash you there. to become soldiers. i dont believe in fighting. i dont believe in killing. i dont believe in the way our country runs things. I believe vietnam was shit. i believe many wars and conflicts were shit. I dont believe in communism, i dont believe in republics... so much is bullshit. I am a hippie at heart. I wear a peace sign tatoo on my hand right now. the world is a fucked up place sometimes. I like to pretend that the only conflicts that exist, are within myself. it makes everything a lot easier to take. my grandfather thought war was good. robert is in the army. he would die for his country. I would never join the army. i would never die for my country. i would die for myself, and perhaps those i love. I would never die for my country. jesus apparently died for my sins. thats just as much fucking bullshit as anything else. he died. people die without reason. death with dignity is a made up thing. heaven is a made up thing. naivety is all that exists. to call my grandfather naive or stupid is to miss the point. He thinks war is good i think war is bad. i think collectivism is a pathetic way to displace blame. i think religion works the same way. i think this country which prides itself on being individualist, is actually a collectivist masquerading. when it comes to war, when it comes to politics. it shouts one thing while its hands do another. i dont support that shit. my grandfather had a flag in his front yard i dont have a flag in my front yard. we are not under a dictatorship, we are not starving. but if we are indeed individualis, let us live as such. war ruins what we are as humans and can destroy what we are as a collection. i knew i would never be like my grandfather when she said that to me. hes dead and none of it matters about him. but to me... i still think back and what it did mean to me. love ross (Comment on this)
12:58 am	nazi jackets dear will i woke up today and janet called. we went to the ground round and had lunch together. it was a nice lunch. but then we sat in my driveway afterwards and i told her about how randy treats my mom and she started crying. and then i started crying. she was saying "your mother works so hard... she's such a good person..." and cried and i'm not used to her crying at all. so i just kinda started a little bit. then she said how its different here in summer now without her girls here and started crying again. it was sad and awful. then andrea came over and we went to salvation army and i bought a cool jacket. i saw a nazi jacket and NEARLY bought it. i may have to go back and purchase it. then i went to work which went fast cos it was busy as hell we stayed late cos ritchie couldn't count and it came out that i was ten dollars over. but chris stayed late repricing stuff so they told me i could leave. maybe i'll find out tomorrow that i wasn't over. then to lindsays house and andrea was there and kristen came and we went to sherwood heights and took pictures. i scraped myself badly leaping from swing to swing. like a fuckin monkey slash idiot. i drove the caddy tonite. oh its nice. i like it a lot. i wish i could take THAT to school with me. josh came in to work tonite with a cruller for me. it was nice of him. we ate dinner together. well i ate and he watched. it was nice. i wonder what will end up happening with us later on down the line. i mean if i still think about maybe wanting to get back together with... max or sean #5... i mean i could definitely see josh and me trying it again sometime. not now tho. anyway i'm gonna try to start leon: the professional. love ross (Comment on this)
Monday, August 19th, 2002
11:16 am	I'M BACK BABY! HEYLO EVERYBODY! my hotmail account is back in business. whoo hooo!!! i'm soooo happy. i was very very upset about it. i had 27 new emails. cuhriste. someone definitely had hacked in there and fucked around with shit. really creepy. anyway i'm going to lunch with janet and then clothes shopping with andrea. later all Ross (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:47 am	right dear will, today was nice went to my grandmothers (the sane one) with andrea lindsay and andy who met us there. we swam in the pool it was great. then lindsay came here and we made shish kabob (kielbasa as i keep calling it by mistake) with momma, and it was really good. then josh came over and we talked for a few hours. and i broke up with him for real this time. it took. it was hard. really hard. its been worse. but it still was hard. i guess i mean, will, you figured it out that we weren't like... REALLY broken up. because i was so confused about what i felt and all. so there was much crying and little rejoicing. it was a hard nite but i finally came to my decision. despite that he loves me. and is in love with me. I'm not in love with him. but i think i love him. like a friend... or even like more than a friend. but whatever i feel is not gonna make it work. and i guess i'm ok and ready to deal with that. Robert called me this morning. it was cool to talk with him. he told me some interesting pieces of information that i cant share here online. well i'm just working on getting my feelings straightened out. i hope to feel better soon. i'm just so sorry things didnt work out. i'm gonna go to bed love ross Current Mood: everything? Current Music: mercury rev (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 18th, 2002
8:38 pm	another list hi, so i decided to make a list of all the cds i bought this summer too. for my reference to remember that i may spend too much money on them. Belle and sebastian -live in berlin bootleg - Legal man - this is just a modern rock song - storytelling the kinks - lola vs the powerman and the moneygoround - the village green preservation society the pixies - dolittle john cale - music for a new society lou reed - transformer - magic and loss tom waits- blood money - franks wild years roxy music - roxy music spiritualized - let it come down derek and the dominoes - layla and other assorted love songs iggy pop - brick by brick - lust for life mogwai - come on die young the beta band - hot shots II nico - the classic years oasis - whats the story morning glory david bowie - space oddity pavement - terror twilight mercury rev - deserters songs yo la tengo - and then nothing turned itself inside out smog - rain on lens pete townshend - lifehouse elements Travis - turn The graduate soundtrack Velvet underground - VU Velvet underground - another view so approximately 32 albums and i dont THINK i forgot any. but its quite possible that i did. cos i just went and added four more that i forgot. thank god for used cds too. at least half of these are used. (Comment on this)
1:14 am	"the skinny on the anti-fat hormone" dear will title refers to an article in Time magazine my grandmother brought me about bipolar disorder cos she thinks i'm bipolar now. hahahahahah. josh slept over again. things are getting kinda tense. i can feel it. i've got to make a decision now. i know i do. we went shopping today and i bought those cds and a belt and some socks and a pair of jeans. tres nice. portland with josh, course. then back here. worked this afternoon. anthony always cheers me up. we talked about ritchie and his lies. it was funny. then i came home and finished born on the fourth of july. and played goldeneye to try to get my mind off of obsessing over it. then talked online with josh, josh, kevin, dan, lindsay, and thats it. i'm goin to bed. emotional commentary later. tres distraught. love ross Current Mood: distraught Current Music: smog (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 17th, 2002
4:35 pm	7 minutes dear will i leave in seven minutes for work. last nite me, lindsay and josh went to the balloon festival. it was fun. we got LIME RICKIES. it was so hot tho. so so so hot. i wish things were more definite with josh. he says he loves me and i dont know what to do. cos i dont feel the same right now. and i dont know that i ever will. or... even if i do love him... i dont know that i want to do the school thing. he and i went to portland this morning and bought some clothes and i bought some cds. i bought: yo la tengo - and then nothing turned itself inside out tom waits - franks wild years pavement - terror twilight mercury rev - deserters songs smog - rain on lens so hopefully they will be awesome. i get to drive the cadillac to work today! yay! i'm tres excited. and i work with anthony not ritchie so that means it'll be homo nite at EB. i saw ritchie at wal*mart last nite when i went there with josh, mom and my grandmother (the insane one). we bought school stuff. i'm wondering what i will listen to in the car today. i cant wait to try out these speakers. i'm kinda depressed and kinda anxious. i'm really upset that my hotmail thing is still unavailable. i'm not sure why my password is weird. i actually wrote to them this morning. christ i really need to see what has been written to me! its bad enough ive not really been online in three days. but i shall be on tonite! and try to figure out my hotmail thing. until then, please continue writing to me at rwmor@conncoll.edu unless you cant spell and are retarded (dan) ok, WORK TIME!!! love ross (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 16th, 2002
11:44 am	GRRRRRRRRRRR!! hotmail is being a fucking whore i have not been able to check my mail in two days and it tells me i keep putting in the wrong password. i'm going to fucking kill someone. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
1:02 am	food. all of it dear will, ok, so heres what happened yesterday. woke up, started Born on the 4th of july which is excellent so far. went to work. it was stressful and packed with people but thats also when its most fun. ex-josh came in to visit and i went on break with him at 7:30. i was so tired. not sure why. just been tired and weird feeling these past two weeks. not sure what thats all about. then work ended and i took ritchie home. ive decided that ritchie is a compulsive liar. he lies about anything to make it a better story. Then josh came over at ten and i made pancakes but i was tired and we went to bed at 11:30. then woke up and had MORE pancakes and eggs and a soydog. then we went to the bank and got gas (18 motherfucking dollars of gas!!!!!) and then went to pick up andrea and kristen at andreas. we were late cos we hit every red light in town. then we went to pine point beach (parking at Bills again). the water was sooooo warm we were in it for like an hour or so. just soooo warm. i loved it and didnt want to get out. but we got out and laid on towels for a bit. Then we went to the CLAMBAKE! and i got a lobster dinner for 16 bucks!!!! yeeetah!! it was sooooo good. i was very happy. but i was very full. THen we went to old orchard beach and its "palace playland". And there i ate some fried dough. and then i ate some french fries and then i ate some candy. and oh-oh-oh i felt so ill. but it was great. the weather there was soooo nice. the weater in town cracked 100 degrees but there it musta been 70. so nice. and it was fun. today was a lot of fun. but it didnt end there! then we went back to kristens camp, went swimming. and tried starting a little bonfire. We lit paper and it lasted maybe three minutes. then we went inside and played cards and old nostalgic stupid games from elementary school like MASH (mansion, appartment, shack, house) you know what i'm talking about. and then the fire started up all by itself again this time it caught wood on fire. the people next door looked like they were having sex. so it was a fun day with kristen, josh, and andrea. It was just relaxing. Nice. so i'm gonna go to bed now since i'm so tired. HOTMAIL IS A FUCKING A-HOLE. I cannot access my account and it says my password is all wrong. i'm very angry. going to bed now. love ross Current Mood: tired/angry at hotmail Current Music: nothin (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
12:05 pm	hey so i woke up thinking i should make a list of all the movies i saw for the first time this summer. so here they are in no particular order: The conversation sid and nancy the shining bananas watcher in the woods U turn wall street Bride of reanimator storytelling Eight Legged Freaks Minority report Halloween Ressurection Following Austin Powers Goldmember Amelie Life as a house american graffiti desperado american history x killing zoe unforgiven Donnie Darko Annie Hall Royal Tenenbaums Focus Being John Malkovich almost famous say anything some like it hot the elephant man Braveheart way of the gun chasing amy insomnia mallrats king of new york wild at heart teenage zombies the rutles the terminator Fargo scarface black christmas (Comment on this)
3:42 am	why am i still awake?? dear will its 3:30 in the morning and i'm still awake. why you may ask? oh why why why? cos its Dan's birthday and i'm trying to mail him something. and i've been up searching the house all over for tape and stuff. its a whole mess and i'm sweating like crazy. but thats why i'm still up! anyway! it was hot, damn hot today. kristen and i went to play tennis but it was so hot we couldnt' stay out there for more than a half hour and even then we both got burned pretty bad. it was just unbearable. course its worse roofing in that shit. and i've roofed those temperatures before. i remember last summer getting up on the roof at 5:45 in the MORNING just to beat the heat. it was so bad. got into the 100s one week and that was the week we spent four days on a strip job. christ. anyway so i showered up and went to work where anthony looked stressed as hell. it was because the regional manager was there. thats the big head honcho guy. and he is a total asshole. he was walking around the store checking stuff off, treating anthony like shit. and he ignored me for a long time. he was just such a PRICK!! and anthony looked so scared and sad. i felt bad for him. i was certain we were going to be fired. so i just made myself look INCREDIBLY busy. the guy was out there sittin in the hall watching us work. it was so scary. then Paulette, the district manager came down! i greeted her thinking she was a customer. but she was a bit nicer, altho still pretty scary. Carl, the regional manager had been there since noon. i got in at three. Paulette was there at 5 ish. and they both stayed til 6:30 talking with anthony. I felt so bad. anthony is supposed to be out of there at 6 too. ritchie came in and saw it all going down and he looked scared for a second, but then pretended all was well and tried being nice to carl, but carl didnt even say a word to him. It was just so tense. and anthony left at 6:30 and didnt say a thing to us except "bye guys see you tomorrow" he was so sweaty and looked like he had been raped. it was a very scary day at work. Then i went to Bob's house and we watched the conversation with gene hackman and it was directed by coppola. apparently he just made this movie with some free time between godfather one and two. pretty cool. review THE CONVERSATION: From the incredibly long opening shot, it is clear that this is a film. not a movie, but a film. and if you try to find reason behind the plot, you may be disappointed. It was symbolic and it wasn't always easy. Watching the deconstruction of Hackmans character was really great and the end where he tears apart his apartment, and even the religious madonna figure is shocking. He sits alone with his sax, ready to begin life anew. The movie part of the film was pretty cool. Altho slow at points, it was scary and exciting. I was scared at a point or two, and the climax with the murder was pretty eerie. Harrison ford appears really really young and he looks good. i was shocked. thats just an aside. overall great film. 4 stars (of five) and then i came here and FINALLY finished the shining. the new one. finally finally. it was scary!! the end third was scary! i couldn't believe it. but it really was. i was a little creeped out. meanwhile working on this fucking box and wrapping with hockey tape.... haha, oh man its such a piece of shit. but i finished it. he better fucking like it. and now its 3:45 and i need to sleep cos i have to work. love ross Current Mood: tired/pissed/accomplished Current Music: bowie (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
2:21 am	fuckin bitch wont let me off the phone dear will, this update is for someone who wouldnt let me off the phone until 2:30. work was dull. i came home and watched more of the shining which ive been watching for like a month now. its nearly done. i ate. talked with dan and kevin and josh and emily and jeremy and josh and lindsay and andy and now i'm so tired i'm playing tennis with kristen in the morning. g'nite all love ross Current Mood: tired pissed Current Music: nothing cos i'm tired! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 12th, 2002
1:08 pm	minigolf and zut alors dear will, Well yesterday was a packed day full of fun fun fun and NO ADULTS ALLOWED! "hi, i'm kenny, i'm 14, and i love staying out til all hours of the night. just as long as i call my parents and tell them where i am" sorry, it was a mr show skit. very funny. so i woke up at nine thirty to go to the beach. and andrea picked up andy and brought him here and then we picked up lindsay and we were off. we parked at my ex-uncle bill's house. (Bill Guiness as andy calls him, altho his last name is Gillis). The water was excellent. we could actually stay in it. it was great. We stayed at the beach for a long time. four hours like. and thats a long time. Then we went back home and andy and i made up words to Beta Band songs. about babies and ketchup. and farms and cows. good stuff. Then i had a few moments to relax at home during which i ate with momma and finished up some other mini-projects i have going. We were supposed to go to Old orchard Beach at night with kristen and it was gonna be really fun, but lindsay just announced that she didnt want to go cos it was stupid to do so. Lindsay was bitchy to me yesterday when we were in the car driving there and back. It was kinda scary. Like how things were last year... But i dont think she had eaten much and was tired. so it probably wasn't personal. Then andy and his girlfriend, brooke, called and wanted to go play mini-golf. so they were gonna come over and kristen was gonna come over at 7:30. and of course kristen didnt get there til 7:50 and andy didnt even come over. he met us at the golf place without brooke cos she had to go see her sister. which wouldn't have been a problem if i hadn't told andrea i'd pick her up at her grandmothers house at 8. so i was driving like a madman (even tho i really... never went more than ten over the speed limit) to get there on time. i was ten minutes late. i have punctuatlity issues. i just expect that when someone says they'll be there at a certain time that they will. but ten minutes wasn't bad. so we played mini golf and it was the boys vs the girls (me and andy vs kristen and andrea. Lindsay didnt want to come) and the girls won... but only because andy and i let them. we decided they should win, cos we felt bad for them since they are women. then andy drove andrea to get her truck at her house and i drove kristen to my place. along the way this guy was staring at kristen but i didnt believe her when she said it so i pulled right up along side them and stayed right next to them all the way down main street. she wanted to kill me but i couldnt' stop laughing and she was screaming "he's staring at me!!!" and it was so hysterical cos i kept right up next to them. So we got to a red light and the guy whisteled at her and peeled out and drove way fast and kristen waved and they waved back. it was sooooo funny. then to myhouse where we ate sardines (courtesy of andy) and cordogs and pizza and crackers and peaches and water and ice tea and pop tarts. we basically sat around and talked for like two hours. Kristen through Bozo at andy. i couldn't believe it. poor old bozo!! he ran off and hid. so andy and i hit kristen with pillows until she died. then the girls left and andy stayed cos he was gonna sleep over. we played goldeneye and worked on a video for a half hour. it was fun. then we talked for three hours straight until four in the morning. it was great. it always is. we talked a lot about our past together or not together. it was educational and rather emotional. as all our late nite talks are. then we woke up this morning and i ate a mellon and he ate a bagel and peanuts. we tried the jumble but i couldnt get a word that andy was certain was Martin. and now i'm here i wanna go to bull moose and get a shirt and a cd before i go to work so i'm outta here!! love ross Current Mood: happy Current Music: oasis (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 11th, 2002
12:25 am	boots that are made for walking dear will today was pretty wild. i woke up early (nine) and got ready and dressed for le wedding! lindsay came over and we went with my brother and to the wedding in some really strange church. it felt like we were at some revivalest tent. there were weird lights and strange video screens everywhere. it felt like a funeral. the whole ceremony was sooooo all about GOD and i was scared. i was soooo scared. they had their kids (all four of them. two were larrys two were sylvias) read these passages. and all the passages were about god and jesus dying for our sins. they were like "this marriage will work right this time because god will be involved" all superstitious like, you know? it was creepy and just totally bullshit and weird that because they had both been married a few times before (to other people) they didnt even believe in themselves to make the marriage work and had to turn to religion. what BULL!!! then there was a massive prayer at the end and everyone knew the words and mumbled it and it was like everyone was zombies and i was even more scared and just wanted to leave. luckily it did end. kinda. we went to the 'reception' of food in the 'cafe' and the caterers were an hour late. bastards. which meant that me and lindsay had to sit with my family (scary scary thought). my aunt, or should i say my dad's brother's wife, was talking to me all randomly and she is going on about her brother in new york. and she goes "well you know, michael is gay. and so i told him you were gay and he was all excited and he wants to show you around new york" and so i thought WHOA THAT IS SOOOOOO WRONG. on so many levels. 1) ok, so apparently my entire family knows i'm gay? including distant non-blood relatives???? 2) she just told her brother who i've never met?? 3) he wants to 'show me around ny'????? i'm scared and disturbed!! luckily we escaped at two o'clock and returned home. i worked on fun things for a few hours. then lindsay came and we picked up andrea and we went out to greene to go canoeing, but no , no it didnt work. why? cos the canoe was INFESTED with bugs and it was scary and gross!! so we took a walk and skateboarded instead. i haven't skated in years. it was fun. i've still got my mad skills. then we visited harvey at work and got some ice cream while we were at it! damn she makes the best sundaes. then we tried to watch SID AND NANCY but the dvd started skipping like a nigga and it was awful so we didnt end up finishing it at all. i was pissed. we called andy and he will be joining us at the beach tomorrow! yay! josh called and we talked for 36 minutes tonite. it was nice. he'll be home soon. wednesday. it'll be great to see him. now i go to bed love ross Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: dueling banjos (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 10th, 2002
12:33 am	andrea is mean!!! dear will, why is she mean? because after we watched Watcher In The Woods tonite, she told lindsay that she was gonna see scary things in her rearview mirror as she drove home!! and lindsay came back in the house all scared!!!!! hahahahhaha MEAN MEAN MEAN!!!! today was pretty great. i woke up to play tennis with kristen and we played for two hours. I won the first set, she won the second, and then i won the third. it was close. it was fun. it was hot as balls! then we went and returned my NES at EB and i got my money back. cos it didnt work. then i bought Whats the story morning glory by OASIS and i've listened to it three times today. its pretty good. i enjoy it immensly. thanks dan for the recommendation. I also bought some special "natural" sodas at axis for 40 cents and i've been looking all over town for them!! i was so excited! they are soooo good. cherry vanilla cream. then i took a nap then andrea and i joined janet and mom at Pats pizza. and yes, we saw MISS PATTY there. with a bad bad bad wig. Then we rented watcher in the woods and lindsay came over and we watched it. review WATCHER IN THE WOODS: Yes, this is a Disney movie. and no, its not good for kids to watch. its fucking scary. Its like a less adult-themed THE SHINING. people move into a house and see things and ghosts and shit. Old scary woman. Backwards words. The movie, although nothing spectacularly orginal, was very creepy and we were all a bit scared at points. The acting was average, the music was average. This is your typical ghost story. The only flaw is the ending, which of course, kinda ruined it all and made none of it as scary as it all seemed. but it was fun. 3 stars (of five) and then i came online and talked with greene josh, exbf josh, dan, and kevin (a new online friend, not even sure why i mentioned his name) and now i need to get to bed. cos of Uncle larry's wedding tomorrow! hahah, oh man itll be fun. love ross (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 9th, 2002
1:44 am	jeremy dear will, the weirdest thing i just was thinking about MASH the tv show and how it affected so many people. and then it occured to me that the only time i had ever watched it was with jeremy. and all of a sudden... i realized that i missed him. and i feel really sick right now about it. that all i had thought about was how much i hated him. but there were also times where he was really nice to me. Like when he helped put up shelves in my room. I guess in a lot of ways he was like a father. christ it makes me sick. he dated my mom seven years and when he left all i thought about was how sick i had felt the weekend before about him. but in reality so much had happened those seven years that i ignored. i got him fathers day cards for each of those years. I'm just upset that all i said was "i dont care that he's gone, i didnt like him anyway" and that wasn't true. i did like him. i was scared of him. but i liked him sometimes. I've picked up a lot of his mannerisms that he used to have in his relationship with my mom. talking in a baby-ish voice... stuff that he did that i always thought was sweet or nice. It was hard for me to just realize that he's not coming back. and i think that if it had been at any other time in my life i would really have cared. but at this point in my life where EVERYTHING is coming and going. and some people stay forever and other people leave without warning. i just accepted that he's gone. so be it i guess. but it was a shock to realize i still thought about him... and that i felt like i missed him. ugh i feel all sick and anxious after writing this. worse than if i hadn't said anything at all. love ross (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:52 am	red dragons dear will, so i'm watching sean penn fuck jennifer lopez in the woods. yes, its U-TURN and i'm trying to finish it FINALLY. I kept trying to finish it but i've been interrupted. I"m sipping on a banana and soy milkshake. my fruit and salad diet continues. well with soy. cos i need protein. This movie is so fucked up! the plot keeps twisting like mad. everyone keeps telling the man that he's a killer. interesting. anyway so today i woke up and andrea came over and we went to pick lindsay up and we went to bradbury state park mountain thing. We had a picnic in the field and it was perfect and great. then we hiked the mountain and it was not too long it was just right. we took many pictures. it was really nice. then we went to a little gazebo that was on the side of the road and took pictures there. then we got back and took lindsay home and then kristen came over. we talked for a few hours and it was great to catch up with kristen. then i got tired while trying to cook up my dinner (fruit sautee and crepes) so i took a shower to wash off all my sweat from hiking (cos i'm obsessive about going to bed clean) and just as i was getting in my mom yelled at me about something in the mailbox. so i rushed out of the shower and found in my mailbox a RED DRAGON poster from dan! i was psyched! its such a great poster. so muchos thank you-os to dan!! then i fell asleep and woke up with andrea at my door. we looked at pictures from today. then lindsay came over and we made my crepes and fruit. i'd never done this before and i totally bullshitted it. I cut up grapes, watermellon, peaches, apple, and banana, put them in the pan, then added half a cup of water, a tablespoon of brown sugar, a tablespoon of white sugar, some french vanilla flavored cream and put it on high. it turned into this rich, red fruity, sugary sauce. it was so great. and on the crepes it was amazing. no one was sure how it was gonna come out, but lindsay and andrea were very impressed. Im just damned good at cooking. then we played n64 and took like 50 pictures. oh it was fun. and now i'm here. ready for bed, and i'm waking up tomorrow to go play tennis with harvey. i'm excited for that too. so i'm outta here. love ross Current Mood: tired happy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 8th, 2002
1:59 am	Ground control to major ross dear will today was most decent. i woke up in time for lunch with nana today. (thats my semi sane grandmother for the rest of you). we went to the ground round and she cornered me into talking about religion with her and i let my thoughts rip. I dont think she was insulted but i think she felt kinda threatened. But it came down that we believed in two major points: people should be good. when we die, there is a feeling of warm light. but thats all we agreed on. and the second point is a bit vague as it is. Then i went into work and i was pretty sick and i worked with anthony for three hours. which was fun. we talked about his misadventures in gay clubbing and drugging and sex mode. and how awful it was and how i feel so lucky that i didnt go through that. and how i really feel that that scene will NEVER be for me. then richie came in and then i went on break and had my third caesar salad in a day and then i called lindsay. and then like a half hour later she came into work! she hung out for like 30 minutes in the store with me and ritchie. it was so much fun! it made the night go flying by. and she took out cardboard with me. so fun. then i took ritch to the bank to drop of the money and home as well. then i arrived home and lindsay had pulled into my yard! i grabbed my lifehouse elements cd and lindsay and i drove and listened to it and just how perfect it was. we didnt talk, we just listened. to me i had chills the entire time. it was perfect for a few minutes. then we got to hannaford brothers and we bought fruit! lots of fruit. cos i'm hoping to do a fruit diet for a few days. plus i've got a cold so why not eat some fruit. then we came back and watched some mr show and tried to see if my NES worked. and no it turned out that it works like SHIT so i'll have to bring it in to work cos it sucks. i'm really pissed about it. then we sat and talked about things for like an hour or two. mostly about the state of our family. and i dont mean my blood family. i mean my family of friends. and how mature things are handled these days. how impressed and proud we are of things. Some things we talked about were very sad. I'll tell more about them in the weeks to come as i think i have reached a decision. but other things were good. I'm pretty tired. i have yet to finish U-turn. but i'm goin to bed. love ross Current Mood: tired/uncluttered Current Music: bowie (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
11:25 am	Its hard to say you love someone. and its hard to say you dont. dear will, a nice subject heading from Del Amitri. About last night. I was just feeling really out of touch with myself and everything in the whole world. I was really upset in every way possible. I cant cry in real life. Maybe in movies, but not in real life. not at real life. But some people cut themselves or hurt themselves. I put myself through this emotional torture of these "walks" and maybe, like people who cut, it feels good to feel something so intense and real, despite how much it hurts. I feel in control and in power. It seems strange to compare myself to people who hurt themselves. but in actuality is not far from the truth. I have nothing to show of it, however, except my entries here. no scars or anything. but... THIS IS GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM YOU'VE REALLY MADE THE GRADE i'm going to lunch with my grandmother (the semi-sane one) so wish me luck love ross (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:41 am	why dont you all f-f-f-f-f-f-fade away dear will, tonite was really normal. and i want to explain what normal means to me. I was depressed and went for a walk. altho the walk was 40 minutes long, i only walked down the street and turned around and walked back. i walked up the street behind my house into the really suburban area. I stepped outside listening to CODY by mogwai and it is really intense and beautiful. and as soon as i stepped out the wind hit me. but it didnt feel like it was hitting me, it felt like it was washing me. But it only washed me in one direction, and as long as i followed the sidewalk i would be cleansed. It started out as a normal sidewalk under the stars. But it wasnt just stars. They were life. I did not see one person, not one cat, not one bird. Yet it was all alive. The stars and lights were the heart and the wind was the muscle. and then there were the arms. And as i turned the corner onto the road behind my house, it occured to me what a body it was that i walked down. I walked down an endless torso lit by the heart, moved by the muscle, and i watched the arms. the trees that moved with the wind and created endless shadows. I walked down an endless torso, but i hardly walked. i limped, i staggered like a drunk. except i only noticed it when i was falling. I thought about how hard life can be. I thought about how hard it is for me. I thought about how hard it is for everyone and how completely unspecial i am. because no matter how hard i have it or how depressed i get, everyone else feels this way too. "everyone gets depressed". I thought about wanting to die because i am not in any way beneficial to anyone. I saw a mailbox and wanted to run it through my chest and fall dead on the ground since none of it mattered anyway. If life was so hard for me and i gained nothing from how hard it was, along with having it just as hard as everyone else, and everyone else is so much more happy than i am, then i must be a real loser. I mean who doesn't hate their father I mean who actually HAS spoken to their brother in the past five years I mean who doesn't feel guilt or feel like they've been engaging in incest when they talk with their mom I mean who doesn't feel like they've been emotionally raped by their family I mean who doesn't feel like their friends dont understand I mean who has time to care about someone else when they have so many of their own problems? who? Then i saw the light. and i dont mean figuratively. i mean i saw a lamppost that appeared to me like the light of a locomotive coming out of a snowy tunnel. and it reflected the tree branches on the pavement for what may as well have been miles. and the road was alive again. and i was still alive. and i didnt want to be. and i stared at the tree. and stopped in the road. i looked at it and suddenly i was the tree. I was the tree because my parents had planted me and then forgotten about me. They tend to me if my branches need to be trimmed (and only then its to protect me from caving in the roof of their house). But then i wasn't just a figurative tree. I was a literal tree. and it became apparent then why i wear big clothes, its because i like the wind to make my clothes move like they are leaves in a tree. It occured to me why i like to stick my hands in the air in a rain storm just like a tree. It occured to me why i like to sit by the road and watch the people interact. Because i am a tree. Because i want to be a tree. I dont want to be human i want to be a tree. Maybe i dont want to die, maybe i just want to live as something else. Sometimes the only thing to keep my from dying is pretending that i'm really something else. Thats probably why i wake up feeling depressed. When i wake up and can move and can talk and i dont have leaves... it turns out it was just a dream. at some point i did wake up in the road tonite and i tried to keep walking but i merely staggered for a while and then another light came to me. The light pointed at the car in the driveway, then it pointed at the trees, so full of life, then at the house, so big and rich and unobtainable. then the light paused and pointed at the grass which was neatly cut. It suggested softly to me that inside the people were happy. they were happy because their house was perfect. It didnt laugh at me like i thought it would. It only told me that it was how things are. It was a matter-of-fact lamp. It told me to look at the other houses which were dark but happy. There were no worries on the sides of the road. the mailboxes were weapons only to me. The people were perfect and i walked the streets in black, looking like a rapist. I expected the cops to appear at any moment to arrest me. I staggered like a drunk. I felt like a soldier i looked like a thief i guess maybe i felt more like a tree since all i was doing was feeling the wind and watchign the light. i wasn't moving, the wind was moving me. It moved me since i had stepped outside. I always say how there's so much beauty in the world, but i never felt so angry at beauty before. i hated it because i am not beautiful. I hate how everythign else is so beautiful but i am not. i am a theif. I try to steal happy from people. I try to steal perfect scenes from people. I try to break into people's lives and take what it is that makes them happy. or at least... i wish i could. I wish i could borrow some happy. from the houses. the houses that looked at me so smugly and by god i wanted to hit them. I wanted to hit them hard. The houses looked back at me and i wanted to yell. i almost did yell at them. Because they all smiled at me. All the fucking houses smiled at me in their slumber. and i had this urge to smother them with a pillow. a pillow of a loud scream or of a murder or of a man in black walking their streets. i wanted to peak in their windows and scare the children. The asthetics were still amazing, but i was unable to move quickly. the lights showed me where to look, and what i looked at mocked me. Because i was not happy. Because i can not sleep happy at night. Because even the people who have hard days can sleep at night. and then i remembered natalie who once told me that maybe not everyone is the same. Not everyone is treated the same. Not everyone is unhappy. Not everyone thinks about suicide or what they wish they were every night. Not everyone hates their parents and their brother. Not everyone was emotionally raped in their family. Not everyone continues to give even when there's nothing left to give. Not everyone is like me. I was once told that i was the bravest person they had ever met. I will never forget that. Maybe i am brave for confronting what i fear and the things that torment my life each day. Maybe i'm brave, maybe i'm a fucking lunatic. My life is intense. And i know that no one understands to what degree this intensity exists. Tonite on my walk i thought of how great it would be to turn to drugs and drinking and remain in an altered state of consciousness forever. But tonite it was just for my walk. when i returned to my house and took off my headphones i was back to reality. but the memory of my thoughts and feelings remains with me. because tonite was normal and i've thought all this before and i promise you i'll think it all again. love ross Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: mogwai (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
10:49 pm	interesting things that happened today 1) i managed to get my eyebrow ring out of my face. It was very difficult and i have tried for a long time. what i did was shove some scissors in the middle of the ring and i snapped it open! it was gross and scary but hell it got it out. I dont have a bar to put in there, but i found something like one. So i'm gonna try to throw a safety pin in there. maybe that'll hold it without the stick-outness of the damn ring. but for most of today i've not had anything in it for the first time in months. 2) i bought the nintendo that was in back of the store today. The 8-bit NES. it was supposed to be 30 bucks, but chris said he'd give it to be for 20. so i was like "ok, i'm sold". so its sitting on my floor right now. i'm very happy about that. 3) i bought this Pete Townshend cd last nite that was his project for the who to do after Tommy, but most of it came out on WHO'S NEXT album. But he never got the real release he wanted to. apparently there's a 6 cd set on his website. but this is what was released to the public. well, i was fucking amazed at the version of BABA O'REILLY. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. it was this orchestrated version that is this symphony... it is perfect. just amazing. anyone who knows baba o'reilly needs to hear it. 4) i finished wall street review WALL STREET: An exciting story that shows the rise of a stock broker from middle class to super duper high class. Aside from being an educational and informative film on how to get ahead on Wall Street, the film raises questions about morality and the american dream. What does it mean to OWN? what does it mean to CREATE? and which is more important? Which is the american dream? Which makes one happiest? The film shows that to own is to be rich and evil, but that to create is to be poor and righteous. Perhaps both ways are exaggerated, but its point gets across. In the final showdown in the park, the rich pummels the righteous, showing that power overcomes. Perhaps, in a judgement like fashion, however, the cops (god in the film's own way) strike down their justice upon the rich and evil. What we actually end up with is a modern day "Metropolis." Very fast paced, and very long. overall very good. 4 stars (of five) 5) my hands haev been cut a lot lately. i'm not doing it on purpose, they just keep getting cut. on cardboard, on scissors, on vaccuum cords. 6) my mom was gone when i returned home tonite and is still gone now at 10:45. i'm really quite nervous and scared. her car is here but she is not. 7) i have started U-TURN another oliver stone film. 8) in continuing with my like of scottish bands it was brought to my attention that another one of my favorite bands is from scotland. Del Amitri is from scotland. and who would ever have thought? so that brings my total of favorite bands who happen to be from scotland, close to 8. really fucked up. i nearly shat myself in FYE when i read that. nonsense. i'm outta here now. those are the things i have to say. (Comment on this)
1:17 am	i will post this tonite! dear will, today i washed the car and then went to the bank and then went to work. 6.5 hours today. not a bad day. i bought three cds with the return of my saving private ryan dvd. Pete Townshend - lifehouse elements Iggy pop - lust for life the kinks - the village green preservation society and they are all amazing cds. the pete townshend one is awesome. its baba o'reilly is this amazing orchestra version just insane. insane. i came home and tried watching WALL STREET but i'm not really getting anywhere with it cos dan called and we talked for like... an hour and that was really fun. its cool talking with dan. he cheers me up. and now i'm here, talking with josh. i'm getting sick. not too sick yet. but its comin! watched more mr show today. funny today!! only one episode left tho. sadness. i'm outta here. love ross (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 5th, 2002
1:52 pm	Ross = retarded dear will, so i keep forgetting to post my entries and they just sit in a minimized window until the next day. that last one was supposed to be for last nite. i wanted to do some reviews here review BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR: The original Re-animator was a fun movie, it was scary-ish and funny and gross and completely absurd. Even tho no sequel was necessary, it was inevitable. It tried to be similar to the original, but lacked the speed and character development of the original. yes, character development. It felt like a comic book where we're supposed to know everything already about everyone, but in the original movie it was the characters that really moved the movie. Here we were left with only actions, and even they weren't so great. The movie ran for under 90 minutes and still it felt long and drawn out at parts. If you liked the first, sure go ahead and see this. but if it wasn't a sequel, i'd say it pretty much sucked. 2 stars (of five) review STORYTELLING: I was shocked and appalled during this movie to the point where i had to leave the room. And no, it wasn't where the teacher practically raped the girl. It wasn't where the housecleaner killed the family. It was where the song, MY SONG "the state that i am in" played while a boy tripped on mushrooms and got a blowjob from this really ugly redhead boy. If i had stayed to watch that scene it would have ruined EVERYTHING that i think and attach to this song. Aside from that this film, too, dragged at points, and it was never clear exactly what the director was trying to say or show. a commentary about racism, one about upper class suburbia, but basically about judgement. tho the film was based on storytelling on the outside, it focused more on the critiques and judgements of the stories. Everyone was affected not by the stories, but how the audience reacted to them. A great film to study, but even as dark as the comedy gets, its never really laughable. 3.5 stars (of five) thats it i'm out love ross (Comment on this)
1:40 pm	penis is a really funny word dear will today was crazy cos so much happened. i woke up at 10:30 and finished bride of reanimattor. review later. then i rushed in to work at 1 til 5:30. it was an ok day. it was with anthony. so that was good. he's engaged to brian! i was so excited for him. i seemd more excited than he was. then i got out and went to lindsays and andrea came and we had crepes made by lindsay's dad. and holy shit were they ever good!! i cant even believe how good they were! then we went to my grandmothers and went swimming in her pool! it was so fun. we were in there for at least an hour. so fun. and she made us cake. and that was good. OH AND WHILE I WAS AT WORK I FOUND THE MOVIE STORYTELLING!!!! i've been searching for it for MONTHS and finally found it. praise the lord and she let me buy it and said i can return it tomorrow. so yay i was happy. so we watched storytelling tonite then i found out that someone's been posting in my LJ and theories popped up as to who it was and i became really upset. so i ended my night on a bad note. i'll do reviews later of the movies. i've been slacking on them as is. DAH!! I FORGOT TO POST THIS AGAIN!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 4th, 2002
1:21 am	went to lexington 1-2-5, feel sick and dirty and more dead than alive. i'm waiting for my man. dear will, woke up this morning in bed with josh. he's afraid we're fuck buddies or something. no, of course, we're not. we're just dating. when we were "dating" we slept together. He's leaving camp a week early to spend it with me. will it be enough to change my feelings and make me want to be in a relationship again with him?? i'm not sure. its unclear at the point. but i had a good time with him last nite. we went for a walk and talked about nonsense. then woke up this morning and we went to Dennys for breakfast, which was fucking good. but mostly because i was hungry and i'm hungry now. it was the only meal i ate all day. then we returned here and sat around on my bed and i played WAITING FOR MY MAN prolly... four times each time a different version. then he left and i watched some more Mr Show, which i feel so iffy about. sometimes i really like it, other times i feel like i dont like it. i've got three more episodes now. then i went in to work with richie dan. haha, ritchie.... it was a kinda harsh nite cos i was soooo dead, but ritchie got me some coffee and i was perked right up bouncing everywhere! so that was better. then work ended and lindsay and andrea came over and we made polytow (no idea if thats how you spell it or not) which is rice flour patties boiled. oh man it was pretty good. funky funky gross feeling. but good. it was basically my supper. and trust me, this is not a supper food. we watched an episode of Mr Show, and they thought it was OK too. its really nothing TOO special. maybe the later seasons are. but this has NOTHING on The State or Monty Python. they are brilliant. this is... kinda smart. maybe it'll all click and make sense sometime, but its not that special. and now its 1:30 and i'm tired but i may try to start Bride of Reanimator. i'm not sure. anyway, g'nite. love ross (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 2nd, 2002
8:38 pm	pushed you aside as he staggered inside, spilling alcohol over the floor dear will, today was excellent. i was woken up by noella (rosita chickita???) cleaning so i was forced to get up. despite how tired i was. but she cleaned my room alright. andrea and lindsay came over and FINALLY saw "rosita" then we went to austins and got sandwiches, which were oh-so-good!!! yummmalicious! and we went to lake auburn and sat on the rocks and ate. there were all these ducks being little bastards wanting our food too. but i threw rocks at them instead. fuckers. then we went to andreas memere's house and got some ice cream klondike ("clawing dyke" like a fighting lesbian) bars. and oh they were good too. then we went to lindsays house and talked about.... well i forgot what. but we had the edward scissorhands soundtrack playing. and each song sounded like a song from another elfman film like batman or peewee, we were all confused. then i came home and talked with kelli for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!! i couldn't believe it. basically i told her all of the dynmaics that exist this summer and that took over an hour, then we talked about movies and stuff. it was sooooo fun. then i napped. and now josh has pulled into my yard. lets see what happens. love ross (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:44 am	i'm good for nothing. nothing is good enough for me. dear will, today was a most sucky day. i woke up early only to roof at 7:30 til 3:30. it was harsh weather too. hot and humid and no shade. today i carried up close to 30 bundles of shingles. maybe more. and thats a lot. it was only a trailer tho. so not too high. if i hadn't only gotten like five hours of sleep last nite (thank you, dan) then i would have been a lot better. however i was very tired. and remain so right now. Anyway, it ended and then i had to start job #2 at EB at five. i hadn't had time to eat between jobs so when i got to the mall i was fucking starving. i didnt break tho. cos i never use my breaks at work. Talked with anthony a lot at work tonite about gay things again. its really fun and i enjoy working with him so much more than richie. we talked about being in sexual positions when customers came in and looking at their faces. or porn cards that he and josh had created "pussy so tai" or pussy so tight. funny stuff. there was singing, but not much dancing. i was tired. it was fun tonite besides the hunger and fatigue. then i came home after not seeing any of my friends and having little interaction at all and watched some more MR SHOW then went online and have been talking to josh for an hour and a half, trying to figure stuff out. kelli emailed me we're gonna try to talk on the phone tomorrow. that would be great. ah!!! i forgot to post this last nite!! love ross (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 31st, 2002
10:51 pm	i wish they all could be california girls dear will, today was pretty good. despite waking up at 12. andrea came over and we took care of all the japanese beatles in the catchers in the yard. it was gross and scary. but we did it. then we watched old videos of us at parties and stuff. it was fun. then i went to get my haircut. they trimmed up the sides and my facial hair. i look tres nice right now. then i went to work and it was ok. nothing big to report. just kinda ok. then i came home and my mom was all upset. it seems someone had left the freezer open today and water was everywhere. then bill threw up on the carpet and we were out of napkins and paper towels and my mom was reallly upset saying she wanted to kill herself. it was unpleasant AGAIN to be home. then i came online and talked with dan and work josh and andy. and now i must go to bed cos i gotta be up early for roofing! love ross (Comment on this)
12:37 pm	last nite i dreamed i was at belle and sebastian and life was perfect when i was there. i got to sit up front and stuart made some jokes about my hair. it was nice. then i woke up and feel stressed about the place that i am in... with josh. i woke up at fucking TWELVE! unpleasant. ok, andrea's comin over at one fifteen. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:53 am	fusion frenzy dear will, today was really nice. woke up and went to chris' house with work josh. chris said he couldn't go with us to see road to perdition as he thought he could. but i exchanged some dvds wih him. i got: u-turn, wall street, bride of reanimator, leon: the professional, sid and nancy, born on the fourth of july, and the conversation. josh and i went to see EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS, which really is not worthy of a review. it was pretty dumb but had its high points. 1.5 stars (of five) then i went to work and it was ok. i like anthony but not richie as much cos he kinda scares me. he's sooo nuts. then i came home and started watching MR SHOW which josh let me borrow. i'm also trying to watch THE SHINING waited to see if boyfriend josh ("ex" josh?) was gonna come online. but i think he fell asleep or something. which sounds like a good idea cos i'm tired too. he DID come online this is four hours later at three in the morning now. and i think i re-broke up with him. but he took offline without saying anything. so i'm not sure if he was disconnected or just really upset. i feel like fucking shit again. its safe not to have friends or relationships. and i'm talking with dan, who's really cool. but none of that matters because i loved josh at some point. and i dont any more. but he still loves me. and i had to tell him bye. i fucking want to die right now. goddam it. i cant believe he just took off like that. i wish he'd come back. ill just go to bed with all this unresolved. fuck. i was so happy earlier too. fucking cloud. love ross Current Mood: happy... then upset Current Music: spiritualized (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 30th, 2002
2:55 am	all day and all of the nite dear will today was smashing baby. lindsay came over at lunch time and we went to return my harmonica but the bastard manager wouldn't let josh return it for me and exchage because he was a bastard. so i got nothing new out of it. but we came here and watched Following review: FOLLOWING: Christopher Nolan knows Noir. He knows lighting and he knows his femme fatales. he's got it down. Following, which questions playing god and messing with peoples' lives, is in the form of a noir, but actually touches on more than just that.... or at least it looks like it might at the beginning. by the end its just a great old film noir worth seeing for fun. 4 stars (of five) sorry that review sucked but i didnt really have time. then i went to work which was ok at first but this woman came in bitching about her n64 and bitched and screamed and ritchie got pissed and really really upset looking. i basically just hid and watched it. it caused us to be a half hour late leaving. then i went to lindsays with andrea and kristen and we took pictures and my god it was soooo fun. i had such a great time. i laughed harder than i have in weeks. it was just great. we were all very much in love. it felt great. i go to bed now. love ross Current Mood: happy Current Music: kinks (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 29th, 2002
1:18 am	ok. so maybe not as psycho as some people. dear will, ok, so we all go a little mad sometimes. i think thats true. everyone hits a period every now and then of wanting to die or anxiety and cannot concetrate or think. everyone has issues from time to time. We all go a little mad sometimes. Like, i'm talking with brent right now trying to say goodbye, but he's way way way over the line of sanity. i just tried saying 'good luck' and he keeps asking me what i mean. i feel bad for the kid. but its not my responsibility to make him happy or sane for that matter. let me back up a bit. so today started off ok. i woke up with josh. and that was pretty good. but i was still really upset about andrea. i may as well reveal who my entry was about the other night. i dont think its gonna hurt anyone now. So my mind was still very much thinking about her and me. and i was so sad. and i got to stewing around a bit and my mind was getting worse because i had no release in any way. so i played my harmonica but blimey its busted. not all the way around, just a few notes do not play properly. so strangely enough work josh called me today, saying to go to his store (carrolls music) where he works full time (not just part time at EB) and he could exchange it. so i was frustrated even more. i'm working on playing Fuck This Shit by belle and sebastian and getting some of it down. what i ended up doing was going out and filming some stuff. i filmed a mini music video of myself singing "Blue Flashing Light" by Travis. i will edit it sometime. i filmed some stuff in the graveyard too. it looks cool. then i came home and sat down for a little bit and played more harmonica. then the phone rang and it was andrea who i've been trying to reach for days. she came over and we talked. it wasn't easy. there was no way it was going to be easy. but i ended with it doing what i should have done a long time ago. with me not talking to brent anymore. i apologized for whats happened these past few weeks. altho its not all been my fault, i apologized to at leave give my sympathy for what wasn't. There was nothing i could do to FIX or change what had happened. But i think it was incredibly important for us to talk as we did as awful as it was to actually do it. and in the end, i feel better about us. She said she wasn't sure if she could trust me. and i told her if it meant that i would have to work to regain all the trust in me she had lost, i would. For every bit of it back. feeling a bit better, we both headed out to see Austin powers 3. i gotta write a review of this. review AUSTIN POWERS GOLDMEMBER: The original AP movie was a gem in my mind. Every pun seemed to work for me, every joke seemed new, and every line was fresh. AP 2 i hated. Every single joke had been from the first one. The characters were awful, the lines were overused. AP3 was new and fresh as well. The opening five minutes were hilarious. In fact, if i was not laughing every 20 seconds or so, it was because i was catching my breath. This movie was just hilarious. a trucker hat-wearing dr evil, a balding scott evil, a mini-austin powers, cameos from even steven spielberg made the absurd film even more burst-out-loud laughable. The plot made rarely any sense and basically who the hell cared anyway? it was fun. not a GREAT movie. but fun as all hell. i had a great time 3.5 stars (of five) so then we came back here and ate donuts and cereal and then it was 11 and andrea left. i gave her brent's book and cd to return to him. then i came online to tell him it was over between him and me. and i did. it was hard. really hard. not because of anything other than what he was saying. that his life sucked. that i was abandoning him in a time of pain. that i was hurting him so much. i told him he was making me feel like shit. he kinda backed off and i think he got the point that i had to do it. so i did. and its over now. haha, i broke up with him. and i wasn't even dating him. but it was for a good cause and i dont regret breaking up with him at all. i actually feel better now. so here i sit feeling better tonite than in a long time. guess thats when you know you've made the right decision. so i just decided that blacks weren't allowed to get married and now gays cant get married so i'm a nigger. only they call me 'fag' instead. i'm gonna head to bed. crazy day. love ross Current Mood: good Current Music: iggy pop (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 28th, 2002
12:51 pm	i am an endless emo song dear will, the title is pure tragedy i know. but christ it seems like all i do is complain! yeah i say this just after i post to dan that talking about bad things is just as much a part of life as the good things. so in that way i forgot to mention the good things of yesterday. I can now play four very simple songs on my harmonica. very simple songs, but i'm learning. so that is impressive to me. cos i've never been musically inclined and i hope to change that about myself. lindsay came over and we went with my aunt kandace and my mom and my grandmother (insane one) to the chick-a-dee restaurant. i had the equivalent of 1.5 heart attack meals. fried mushrooms, fried clams, french fries, tuna salad and more fried stuff. i felt vomitious. lindsay and i had a good time. there was much laughing and talking at the table. we played on the playground outside. CONGRATS lindsay on actually making it all the way across the monkey bars. such a difficult task. the ride home was fun as hell. i was driving my grandmothers car.... and oh, it handles sooooooo nice. it was very fun. but the girls (mom, aunt, grandma) were all in the back talking about what an awful driver my grandmother is, saying how there's no dogs left on the street and shit like that and lindsay and i were laughing soooo hard. i was crying i was laugihng so hard. it felt good to laugh too. then we came back and watched Amelie which made us both very happy. its such a nice movie. she is sooooooooooooo pretty. if i was straight i would want to marry her. Then lindsay left, and instead of waving bye i HEILED at her because i love nazis. i think she saw me. then i went and lied out in the yard for an hour and listened to music that wasn't depressing really... just deep and... the word 'flooding' comes to mind. it was weird out there at eleven o'clock at night staring at the clouds with the city lights reflecting on them. I've got this song on the mix i was listening to. i cant remember the name right now. it is the theme from Platoon and the end of the Elephant Man. Its classical and very powerful. Oh and it also makes an appearance in Amelie. at some point in the song i felt like my body was lifting off the ground. i was having this total trip. it had its high points. not sure why i chose to focus on the bad ones. love ross (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 27th, 2002
11:45 pm	its someone elses turn to go through hell i lied out on the grass for an hour just now listening to music and josh came into the driveway and brought me some roses. tonite for a moment i felt infinite ( "infinite" courtesty of brett) (Comment on this)
10:16 pm	on the edge of chaos dear will, life on the edge of chaos is supposedly where life is most stable. perhaps i've crossed that edge today. Thank god lindsay was here to keep me from really going nuts. another dynamic, back to haunt me from the dead worse than before. as i got to thinking about it, i became worried of losing a friend, one of the best, closest friends i've ever had for three years. i wish i could say that it wont happen. i wish i could say that everything is ok. but sometimes i have no control over other peoples actions. when someone breaks up with you, its over. theres no... changing that. i'm scared to lose her. i'm scared to lose what we shared for years. over a wrong decision that i made. i dont want to lose her but today i felt hopeless and pathetic and weak. i tried to contact her but alas could not. this week has been the week from hell and in fact, today got worse. I'd love to write about Watching Amelie. But i really can't. review AMELIE: film raised questions about being an introvert and a dreamer vs an extrovert and being alive. what is better for me? Film was perfect. beauty. 4.5 stars (of five) To feel so alone really hurts. And i dont feel alone because i am alone. i feel alone because... tonight it is the situation. perhaps this whole week of depression has been the situation. which is good. its that fucking cloud. it follows me everywhere. its like bad after bad after bad. this summer i've been doing so well despite all the shit thats happened. but now i feel like i cant hold it up anymore. I feel like everything i do is wrong. I feel like there is nothing to right myself. I try to face it, my fear, but alas cannot because she's not there. Its frustrating and scary to be where i am now. where my future belongs in the hand of someone else. Perhaps i am exaggerating quite a bit. perhaps my theme song will come in handy oh get me away from here i'm dying play me a song that sets me free love ross Current Mood: helpless sad Current Music: none (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:09 am	sun wheel dear will, i had the most wonderful evening tonite with lindsay, andrea, lindsay's cousin, and josh. we went to the beach and rode the ferris wheel and everything in the world seemed right and perfect. whether things tomorrow or the next day will be as perfect remains to be seen. but tonite was wonderful. thanks andrea and lindsay. love ross Current Mood: good Current Music: lou reed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 26th, 2002
6:01 pm	expectations dear will, so i woke up feeling a bit better. still quite a bit depressed. but damn it felt good to bash myself last nite. i didnt mean to stir anyone up with comments about rich people having no problems. i maybe shoulda said something like having no problems like we are right now. and it must be nice not to have those issues. other issues, as i told kristen holzer today, do exist, like having to convince the world you are not a snob and defending your humanity do exist. but it was a hard nite last nite and its been a fuck of a hard week. trying to figure out my situation with josh my moms car crash the financial issues following that her emotional issues raised by it andrea/brent fiasco struck a bit of a climax and has since subsided the anxiety attack at the show new job its just not been a good week and maybe it all hit me last nite. i think especially the crash and how that made me feel like i'm just like my mom and we both have the worst luck in the world and are followed by the cloud. the damn cloud. i remember in therapy doing some "dramatic therapy" or something like that, role-playing or something and i said "fuck off cloud" so it was kinda scary to say that the cloud was back because for a year or so i felt without it. in a town so small there's no escaping here in a town so small there's no escaping here in a town so small there's nothing left to do but so be it. i'm ok. whatever. i tried watching Amelie today but was interrupted a zillion times. so i did not finish it. josh apparently will be coming at least tonite so i wont be online tonite. sorry all of those of you who actually wanted to talk with me, and i know it wasn't many. more self pity! all right! i love it, bring it on. nah, i'm doin ok. as i told my mom, all this shit happens, but we always come out on top. stronger than most people. i guess i get told that a lot that i'm a very strong person. it means a lot to hear that. frustrating you know? i feel like i'm in jurassic park and EVERYTHING keeps going wrong. Or Speed and the bad guy keeps coming back. and i can never quite get on top of everything. someday i have faith i will. i'm feeling semi-hopeful that i'll feel better tonite when we go to the beach. it is there i will meet up with josh. i'm just hoping to feel ok no matter what. its cold. so bye for now, all. i'm gonna eat some supper and get ready for the coming of the girls. last nite was a storm today is just the drizzle remaining. someday i'm gonna make it sunny. love ross (Comment on this)
2:26 am	life is like a box of chocolates... fuckin queer opening line, huh? dear will, no new news on my mom. i hope everything is ok. went for a run. kinda woke me up. went to work. worked with anthony. that was fun. i like him. not LIKE him like him, but... ok, so i dont really know yet. lets leave it at that. came home and lindsay came over we watched CASPERS FIRST CHRISTMAS for no apparent reason. its late now but there were things that crossed my mind today that kinda upset me. i guess the major one with a zillion branch-off points is this: i saw a guy who i thought was the most gorgeous guy in the world and i thought "thats him. Thats the guy. I'm going to marry him and spend the rest of my life in his arms." he walked right by me. i never saw him again. and i never will see him again. i spoke with a guy online today and had a great conversation and for the entire time i spoke with him i thought "this is it, this is the guy i'm going to marry and spend the rest of my life in his arms". and that was that. maybe i'll talk with him again. maybe not. the weird thing is that i think these things all the time. and each time its always this huge disappointment when they walk by me or never talk to me anymore. I guess i'm a complete and total loser tho. cos most of the time theres nothing more i can do than just... hope something would happen. Life is so fucking weird sometimes. whats weird is that we actually have a word that captures what life is. and that word is life. existance and all its dynamics are captured in that one word. pretty nuts huh? i think i get high from time to time and dont really notice it. cos i dont think sober people think about this shit. i talked with natalie a bit tonight about fitting in and stuff. and basically i agreed that i dont want to find something and base my identity on it. i think thats weak. but the weird thing is i'm wondering how weak i am. how much do i really have going for me. talking to all these people online who are all so rich and have no real issues to speak of and i wish i was like that. i wish i didnt have to worry about losing my house because my mom crashed this morning. i dont feel like i have the connections i want to be happy. i dont feel like i'll ever make enough money in life to feel like i did actually make it. that i actually made it out of the hole that is life now. When i masturbate i am either king of the world or i am the pathetic rats of its sewers. sometimes its great sometimes i kinda cry. its so fucking hard right now. its hard to have depression in the first place. maybe i'm finally coming to terms with what it actually means to me. but its hard to live this life with a dysfunctional family that is constantly on the verge of collapse. it is no wonder that i see people once and think, "maybe they could make my whole life better." cos i'm just really quite a pathetic piece in need of a revamp. generally i try to make myself feel better in my journal. tonite i will bash myself to pieces because shit, i'm not sporting anything more than neurotocism, cynicism and stupidity. i guess i'm not all that attractive to at least lure someone into my trap where they find out what a complete loser i am where i have an anxiety attack at a show, or cry during a movie. i wish i was special, you're so fucking special. i'm a freak. no no, in reality, i'm a freak. a freak a freak a freak. ok, ill come to terms with that now. i'm a fucking freak because i'm incapable of pulling myself out of this world that i'm in. and in this world i am a freak. so that makes me what? an ugly, pathetic, weak, freak who lives in a world where we're financially struggling, dysfunctional, and constantly looking, very very hard at that, to find the good points in life. cos you'd think that maybe, someone somewhere would appreciate what i am. natalie says she does, but i feel like i let her down all the time cos i cant be what she wants me to be. i'm scared i let her down is more the reality. i think the only person i felt really comfortable with was andy. but i wasn't really COOL enough for him and he liked pot more than me. so maybe when i look at guys and say i want to spend my life with them i'm hoping that maybe somewhere i'll find my prince to come take me away from here. cos right now it looks pretty bleak. wanna come see me? auburn, maine. thats where i am. thats most literally the state that i am in. the real state that i am in... is not a good one. theres a cloud following me. everywhere. and its my own damn fault for not pushing it away. maybe i'll feel better now if i realize that i'm such a fuckup. no love for me tonight. no love for me. -Ross Current Mood: down down down Current Music: radiohead (in my head) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 25th, 2002
12:00 pm	update ok so she apparently was driving to work when this other guy ran a red light and she slammed right into his side, basically destroying the car. Her arm is broken, but at this point the rest of her is ok except for the crying. For whatever reason my dad happened to be driving down the road just as it happened, and he kinda rescued her and brought her into the hospital. He also knew all the police and firemen and whatnot and they were especially nice to her. but the other guy didnt have car insurance and we're in a heap of trouble now. and my mom is scared we wont be able to make house payments and lose the house. cos we cant afford to get another car. its kinda scary right now but i think she's doing ok.... she's on a buncha pain killers... but she's hearing loud noises in her ears and her neck hurts. i hope... nothing worse happened to her. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:37 am	ok, so this morning, the past hour that i've been awake: i discovered that Rod Roddy is no loner on the price is right... either that or he was just sick today. and i just got out of the shower to find my mom lying on the floor with a broken arm. apparently she was in a car crash. my surprise is equal to yours. i must now go speak with her. (Comment on this)