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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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1:58 am - Thoughts While Sitting
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Do you ever wake up and feel like your life isn't real?
Today I woke up, and it was like I was still dreaming. I took a safety pin and poked myself. I thought "This is real. This isn't a game or a movie or a book, this is real life." I mean, yes of course it's real. Obviously. But sometimes when you think about it it's kind of scary.
I've watched so many movies and played so many games that my vision of reality feels impaired. When I can sit still and think "This is real life" and feel a little uncomfortable, then I know something is wrong. Does this ever happen to anyone? I have a lot of people on my friends list that never talk to me, someone give me some input.
The weirdest part is, when you think about life and how real it all is, you know its not going to last forever. Eventually, there will be a point where I won't be able to feel anything at all. Soon it'll just be nothingness.
Or heaven.
Yeah right.
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| Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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8:36 pm - Months Go By
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Jesus, I've really neglected this thing as of late. But I guess it's no matter because there hasn't been much to tell. I've been to a few parties, I've gone to a few clubs, nothing really special.
Except this one thing.
Colleen has become a regular customer at the shop. Since the nipple, she's gotten her nose and tongue done, as well as a tattoo on her back (A very nice one done by yours truly). I see her enough that I could consider her and I to be friends. I give her discounts and shit. Anyway, one day in January she comes in so I can finish this design on her back, and she asks me to come with this party with her. Now hear this: I know parties. I have been to countless parties, and I have seen some crazy things, but this party was the wildest thing I have ever seen. Five people ended up in the emergency room by the end of the night. Five people! The party wasn't that big to start with too. It was like they took a handful of the most party hard do-anything horny lunatics in the city and stuffed them in a house full of drugs, booze and sharp objects. Insanity. So just to anyone who asks, the cut on my face is from falling out of a second story window.
This wasn't a big surprise, but among all the crazy party goers, Cyan was there. So we had sex. Very out of nowhere. Still, best sex of my entire life. She could even teach Cynthia a thing or two.
or three
or four or five.
Man, I'm a real slut sometimes.
I'm sure some other interesting stuff happened, but whatever.
Bye.
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| Monday, December 24th, 2001
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11:28 am - Wide Open
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Jenn and I have decided to put our relationship on hold for a bit. She thinks we go together so well that we could get married some day. (Something I told myself I would never do, but I'll cross that bridge before I burn it). But she still wants to see the world and experience a thousand things before settling down with a permanent partner. She says we will always "be together", but just not officially. I had no problem with this because I'm an open kind of guy. I've already been in two situations where I've said "Sorry, I have a girlfriend." where I would have totally brought them back to my place. So, what does that say about me? Maybe I'm not ready for a commitment either.
So it's cool.
Actually, it's not really a break up at all. We just made the whole thing really open, because I know that in a few days, or maybe tomorrow, I will see her, and we will more than likely get "it" on, with no regrets or anything. But the next day, I could go out to bar and pick someone else up and have no problems with that either.
So it's cool.
I'm probably going to be upset whenever she leaves the country though. I know how she likes Europe and travels there frequently. Her European family is rich, and can afford to send her over there any time she wants. Must be nice. I wouldn't know though because I hate travelling.
Life is weird. If I was a monkey, this would be the easiest ride.
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| Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
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10:55 pm - In Character
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Everyone has themes, I think. I was talking to Cyan the other day, and every time I talk to her, I can sense something in her voice, the way she talks and acts...she is always looking for a thrill. Conversations always trail of into strange stories involving injuries or sex, and she is always talking about doing something exciting. She will do things simply for her own self excitement. A little selfish, but at least she's living it up. The best part about this is that she is always in control. Dominant. I admire that, especially in a woman.
A lot of people I know have certain dispositions, almost as if they are characters in a book. The sad one. The happy one. The cynical one. The sexual one. The party animal. It's always strange when I see one of these people deviate from their played angle. The innocent one. The funny one. The strange one. The one we all only sort of like, but not really, because he's annoying, but he still lends us money.
I wonder what I am?
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| Tuesday, December 11th, 2001
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12:28 am - No Explanation
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Sorry, I cut that bit off before, I had to go out. Anyways, to continue my story...the weirdest thing happens next.
Remember the topless girl with the swollen nipple? Yeah, that's Colleen. We talked for about fifteen minutes after Andrew and the beast man tore out of the shop. I didn't realize before, but she had been in the store before a few times to get her ears done. I should have remembered that face a bit better. Customers come and go so often they stop looking like people. All I remember are the patches of skin that I stare at for hours. I had three people come in today so far, all of them pieces of skin. No faces, no names. Everyday, it's just backs, arms, breasts, legs in and out of the shop. Andrew will talk to me about a nice ear he pierced. Lobes, noses, penises. Lips. Eyebrows. Vaginas. No names. No faces.
This nipple had a name this time, and it was Colleen. I asked her if Andrew said anything to her before he left, and she said "Yeah, he told me to hold on for a second." Now it was many seconds later. It was a slow day, so there weren't many people coming in and out. I told her to make herself at home, which she thought was funny, considering she was already walking around topless.
Here's the weird part. So, time passes, and Andrew is at the door. I unlock it, and he just walks in, like nothing had happened. He walked up to Colleen, surveyed her breast, and told her to take care of it and go. She didn't have to pay if she didn't mention anything that happened today to anybody. She agreed and headed out. (She'll come back soon though. I convinced her to get a tattoo.)
I ask Andrew what happened, and he didn't tell me. All he said was that he ran for a bit, lost him, and then came back here. I knew there was something more to that though. I don't know why he didn't tell me. Did he pay him of with drugs? Did he murder him? What? Either way, I don't think he'd be thrilled if he knew that I was broadcasting this on the net, so all of you, shhh, you didn't hear this from me.
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| Saturday, December 8th, 2001
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7:40 pm - Mad Customer
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So this jerk comes into the place today asking me to fix a tattoo that I could not fix. Attention all dark skinned individuals, but it is impossible for red to show up very well on your big African arms. Maybe you should consider getting a piercing. Those things will show up even if you are the ebony god of darkness. Honestly, I am not being racist, but this guy was black. Like the opposite of an albino kind of black. The black parts of the tattoo barely showed up, let alone the red.
So this guy starts to get all in my face about how shitty a tattoo artist I must be if I can't fix the error some other idiot artist made. Honestly, who ever tattooed the guy in the first place must have needed cash really badly, because there is no way you could look at his skin and think colors (especially red) will show up very well, if at all.
So I tell him to leave, to which he replied with an agitated "Fuck you". Now, I don't know about anybody else, but if I know that a person is going to end up sticking needles in my arms, I wouldn't start pissing him off. And so we start a little yelling competition over the counter until Andrew, who was piercing someone's nipple at the time, came out to see what was going on.
Andrew could clearly see that the fight has gotten a bit beyond the inking issue, and was now about proving who could yell the loudest. There is always a line that an argument crosses where someone has to win it, or die trying.
Now, I am by so means a runt. I'm big enough I mean. I've fought before, and won my fair share, but I knew if this guy become angry enough and tried to start something, I would probably not come out of it looking very pretty. I still stood ground and told him to get the hell out of the shop. From behind the counter of course.
And then it happened. The slamming of the fists on the table. The only reason people raise their voices during an argument is because they want to scare, or hammer in what little points they have. This guy had nothing and therefore was becoming very loud. At his point, Andrew had gone back into his booth for a second and come back. He had just been watching, but not doing anything.
I was getting sick of listening to this hothead fill my shop with his garlic breath noise pollution, so I say to him "Look, I don't care how loud you yell, I'm not going to do anything for you, understand asshole? If you have any problems with that, you can take it up with Tony when he comes in at 5:00. Until then, you sit the down and shut the fuck up, or leave."
He didn't like that so much, and finally snapped. He rounded the counter and started with the threats, and the threatening motions that came with it. Exactly what Andrew was waiting for. Remember when I said that I wouldn't want to take on this guy in a fight? Well Andrew is about half my size, and he was on this guy the second he was behind the counter. A few shots to the back of the head had this Goliath chasing Andrew back to the front of the store. Realistically, I don't see how there was any quantum possibility the Andrew could take this guy on in a fight. Andrew runs out of the store, and tough guy chases after him.
Then silence. For safety, I lock the door behind them.
Meanwhile, a confused topless girl with a swollen nipple walks out of Andrew's booth, asking where Andrew went. I told her he was out growing the biggest balls in the world.
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| Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
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8:56 pm - Gross
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Theres a strange smell coming from one of the vents in my place. I think the Mafia guy who lives in the apartment next to me is stashing dead bodies in his closet. He's not very good at the whole organized crime thing. Actually, it's very disorganized. Come to think of it, he's not even Italian.
Well, whatever he's doing, it stinks, and it's getting pretty rank. I'd rather not confront him about it, but the stench is strongest in my bedroom, and that makes it hard to do anything in there.
Stupid...guy.
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| Sunday, November 18th, 2001
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5:57 am - Fancy
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Jenn and I went out for dinner last night. A real dinner in a traditional restaurant. That's really not very me. Or us, actually, considering past nights have included throwing eggs at people from the roof of her house, and a whole bunch of sexual games that we would always talk or laugh about but never got to play before because we weren't together. Don't act like you don't know what I mean. Jenn ordered something flambe just because she has always wanted something like that to eat after seeing it ordered on TV. She has a strange fascination with fire. Bad experiment, she hated her meal, so we shared my steak. Afterwards, we asked if we could get a doggy bag for Jenn's barely eaten dinner so we could give it to a homeless person. They aren't very picky when it comes to food. I wonder if people believed him when he said he had flambe for dinner.
Then we hit a bar (in our nice clothes, mind you), where Jenn could not get over the fact that she drank more than I did. She didn't eat fucking dinner! Get over it! You can't drink me under the table! She probably wont remember that anyway, being as drunk as she was.
And then we went back to her place, ending a great night. I love waking up next to her. Love.
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
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1:59 pm - Whatever, Man.
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Well well well.
Last night I went to see a friend of mine play with his band at one of those downtown local club venues. I thought it was great...brought me back to 90's where everything was just fine. I went with Jenn and Cyan, (and don't expect me to write a big slew of dramatic posts because Cyan got drunk and licked my face. Oh scandal.)
I would update this thing a bit more if my life spun on a more interesting axis, but lately, it's just been job, home, Jenn, home, coffee shop, home. No one has exploded or anything.
What is yellow and can go through walls?
Magic lemon.
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| Saturday, October 27th, 2001
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2:52 pm - I Got Fixed Up
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For anyone concerned about me, (or should I say, the one person concerned about me, thanks Kim), I finally have a new computer.
You know what pisses me off? When things just break for no good reason. It would have made so much more sense for my computer to stop working if, say, I poured orange juice all over the hard drive, or beat the thing up with a baseball bat. But no, it just "conked out", to quote the idiot repair guy I took the thing to. Maybe you've seen this guy...his mother told him he would be something great his whole life, and now here he is, mid-twenties fixing things that people waste their whole lives on. Am I dick for not caring at all, just because I want my computer to work? I actually wanted say to him, "You may not enjoy your job, but without you, countless people would not have operating computers" But then I saw the twenty other people doing the exact same job...and then I thought about how much he must hate computers, kind of like how people who work at coffee shops hate coffee (That, I can never understand...I'm already on my second cup...I just woke up.)
Long story shortened, I have a working computer now. It turns out the problem was with some DLL or something. Oh! Why didn't I think of that? Christ, tell me what's wrong in layman's when it comes to that shit, please...When people ask me about my tattoos, I don't say, "Well, they did this section here with a 11 Mag..." Not many people outside of tattooing knows what that means.
Anyone who is interested with what I'm doing with myself, the answer isn't that exciting. The Cynthia/Jenn thing has been resolved somewhat. According to my last post, Cynthia came over on September 2nd, and we had sex again, but that was the last we did that up to now. The next day I called her up and told her we couldn't do it anymore. She got upset.
"Why are you so upset? From what I know, you go through guys like it's nothing" "You're different" "How am I different?" "I don't know, I feel like I connect with you better" "Connect how exactly?" "I dunno" "Cynthia, aside from your legs connecting together behind my back, there wasn't any real connection" "Why are you being a dick?" "Have stopped to even look at the conversation to sex ratio of our relationship?" "Well, you don't have to be a dick about it"
Well, I guess I am a dick folks.
I've been seeing Jenn on and off now since then. It's been all right. It's a little weird considering we were friends before this. That usually doesn't happen with me, but new things are exciting.
Not too much to report other than that. Later.
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| Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
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2:14 am - FUQ
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Cynthia just left again.
She wanted answers She wanted me
I couldn't give her...answers.
I am a sad weak man. Way to pick the scab, you shit.
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| Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
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5:06 am - FAQ
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Cynthia just left.
She wanted answers She wanted me
I couldn't give her either.
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1:24 am - The Problem Of Jenn
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I really have a hard time updating my life archive with this journal service keeping its unreliable hours, but since it seems to be going okay right now, here goes.
Cynthia, oh my lord. I have never even thought of all the crazy shit then she and I did with each other. I just thought I'd mention that now, because 100 hours of sex later, I told her that I couldn't keep having a relationship with her. Yes, that's right, I made my choice.
But I am now left with a problem.
I haven't seen Jenn since we kissed. I have talked to her a number of times, but I avoided the subject. I have a feeling she's feeling rejected again, and that kills me inside to know that I have any part in that. Then she went away on vacation to Italy for 10 days. During this time, I selfishly had binge sex with Cynthia, because I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to last.
But now Jenn is back. What's the problem J.B.? You want her, go get her, right? Well, what happened between us happened while we were very drunk. And a little high. The thing is, she is one of my best friends. I've known her for years. I could possibly jeopardize this by getting involved with her. But, in my heart I know I always wanted to be with her. What if she doesn't want that with me? She knows so many other guys, how would I keep her interest? She's so independent, I would always want to know what she was doing. Stress stress stress.
Over reacting? Contradicting myself? Want her, But don't? But can't? But should?
Who knows. I plan on talking to her tomorrow. It's mostly going to be just me listening about all the fun things she did and all the fun people she met in Rome.
Sigh. I don't know.
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| Friday, August 17th, 2001
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12:47 am - Discomfort?
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Went out with Cynthia again today. As many of you can probably guess by seeing I'm at the computer at this hour, that we weren't at the bar for very long this time. We didn't even dance until last call like we did other nights. She asked me what I've been doing in the past few days, and I did something I really hate to do, and really hate people for. I lied. I said I've been partying and such. Whatever. I'm not proud of myself for that.
Now, Did I lie to her because I wanted to preserve her feelings because I care about her more? Or did I lie to her because I know I might have to break it off with her sooner or later, and I didn't want her to factor in Jenn, whom I care about more.
What's it going to be Jay? Flip a coin if you have to, you lovesick joke!
At the bar after eating, Cynthia came on to me pretty hard. Reminded me of the first night I met her. When the grinding got heavy enough, I backed off for a bit, saying I needed to sit down. She used this opportunity to go to the bathroom, while I thought about things. Here's how my brain went.
"What the fuck Jay? Why are you so uptight about enjoying yourself with this beautiful woman?" "Well gee Brain, I think I have feelings for Jenn and I don't want to..." "Shut up! Listen, you are young and you have no commitments. Not to sexy fun-loving Cynthia, and not to wonderful nice gorgeous Jenn." "Which means...?" "Which means you can do what ever you want with either of these women and not feel bad because nothing is carved in stone, you get me?" "I think." "You know. Because I know. I'm your brain remember? Just have fun" "...Deal!"
And so I met her back on the dance floor and redefined scandalous. It was hotter than the first night, if I may say. Dirty details would be more fitted to some erotic literature site, so I will rather not kiss and tell.
So what am I doing here then? If my night went like that, wouldn't I be with Cynthia right now?
Well, I needed a 5 minute break or so.
What? Oh, I never said whose computer I was on.
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2001
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4:31 am - Women
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I meant to get around to this sooner but it seems I picked up a small computer virus through a few MP3s I downloaded onto my computer. Everything is up and running now, so I should really catch up on the last couple of days.
At about quarter after ten on the 11th, Jenn calls me up, crying. It turns out Steve had gotten Jenn into bed. That right there infuriated me, but there's more. After they had sex, he then told her about the whole not having anything more than drunk feeling for her...AFTER they had sex. When she brought up the fact that there might be a chance to make it something more, he said no, packed up his shit and left. I knew he wasn't a very nice guy to begin with, but this astounded me.
So I head on over to Jenn's place. She's a wreck. She felt used, worthless, depressed and weak. Jenn emotions tend to get out of control, so I had to make sure she wasn't going to drink herself right into the hospital like she did when Bobby broke it off with her. It's not fair when things like these happen to people that don't deserve it.
I sat with her, and talked with her for about an hour, and then propositioned her for ice cream. Why, you ask? Because I wanted an excuse to leave her place and go find Steve so I could beat the living fuck out of him. I told her to wait and that I'd be right back.
I get to Steve's place, and may he thank whatever god was smiling upon him that night that he was not home. His younger brother was though. I told him to tell Steve that I was looking for him.
Anyway, I head back to Jenn's, chocolate ice cream in hand, and I stay with her the whole night. We watched TV and slept on the couch together. In the morning, she asked me to hang around, which I did gladly. She made me breakfast, it was really nice. I ended spending the whole day with her again.
Now it's Sunday night. Well, more like Monday morning. Jenn has made no hint that she wanted me to go, and I had made no hint that I wanted to leave, but when 2:00am rolled around, I thought it would be best for me to head home anyway. Now, to avoid tangling up details, I'm going to type up the dialogue to the best of my memory.
"Thanks for coming over and staying with me" "It was no problem, babe. Thank YOU for having me." "No, don't thank me. I'm sure I've been a burden." "Why would you say that Jenn? You are one of my best friends in life. When you are upset, I want to make you feel better." "Yeah, but I'm always upset. The smallest things set me off. Look at me. This whole Steve thing happens to girls all the time. Why can't I just take it and move on?" "First of all, you aren't over reacting. Second, just because things like this happen often doesn't make it okay, and you have every right to be upset." "Thanks Jay. Why can't more guys be like you?" "Whatever. I'm nothing. I'm just trying to be the friend you need." "And you are. And I thank you. You aren't nothing. Far from it." "...Thanks Jenn"
And so we stood in the doorway for a little while, no one saying anything.
And she kissed me.
When she pulled away, I looked at her. We didn't say anything.
And she kissed me again......and I kissed back. Now, when you are kissing someone, you think of a million things per second, and in that minute or so, I realized some things. It's not that I didn't trust Steve, it was that I wanted Jennifer to be happy. When she talked about Steve kissing her, it wasn't Steve's character than angered me...it was (deep down inside) because I wished that I were the one kissing her, not Steve. And why did I not pull away from her lips when she moved it? Why did I not fear for our friendship that this was not the best idea? It could have been one of two things. First, I just wasn't thinking. The other reason was...I've always wanted this.
"Wow" "Wow" "Um..." "...Yeah" "You know...you don't have to go home tonight if you don't want to..."
And I am screwed less than ten seconds off the kiss. Do I stay? Do I go? Is what I feel for real? Will she be offended if I go? What about Cynthia? I was screwed. So what did I end up picking? The path of least repercussion of course. I chose to not stay the night, which was very hard to do. But before I left, to make sure she knew it wasn't because I was weirded out, I kissed her one more time and it was amazing.
"I just have to think about some things."
And so I have for the past few days. I've been going about my business, but I haven't been in contact with many people. I need more time to think. Cynthia calls me, and I tell her I'll call her back. She calls the next day after I did not call her back, and I talk to her. We end up making plans for Thursday...which is today actually, judging by the clock. I haven't said much to Jenn, for fear of saying the wrong thing, and I don't want to do something with Cynthia as much now, because I'm confused about what's going on with me.
I don't know what to feel. I hope I find out soon though.
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| Saturday, August 11th, 2001
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10:36 pm - Fuck.
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Man oh man. I'll have a lot to write about when I get back home. I just hope my hands aren't broken.
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| Thursday, August 9th, 2001
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6:58 pm - I Think I'd Eat A Cockroach For $50.00
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My place is a damn mess. I should really clean up.
I have a bad feeling about this whole Jenn and Steve thing still. Last night when we were out, I asked Jenn if she saw Steve lately, and she said yeah, he was at her place for a bit the day before. I didn't want to ask her if he told her about how what happened between Steve and her was just a drunken thing, because then she would probably get mad at me for prying into her life. But she never brought that up, just that he was a nice guy and that she really liked him. (And then went to whisper in Cyan's ear how great a kisser was. I wish I didn't have such great hearing, I didn't want to know). So he didn't tell her like he said he would. He didn't really have to do what I said, but he said he'd do it, and he didn't. I just have a bad feeling, and that's it.
Lazy day for me today. Maybe I'll call someone and get out of here.
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12:44 am - Coffee Break
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Sorry about cutting that last entry off, Jennifer and her friend Cyan (Whom I'm not too familliar with) dropped by my place and whisked me away for coffee...you know, that dark brown substance my life seems to revolve around ever so slowly. I judge time by how many coffee stained mugs are in my sink. What time is it Jay? Oh, about four in the sink. So we headed down to the usual place and hung out. It was nice meeting Cyan, whom until today, I had only briefly seen at someones house. Very nice girl.
Afterwards, we just drove around and talked. I didn't think the conversations were so life altering that they could justify the gas we ultimatley wasted, but it was fun, and it's not my money that filled up the tank later on, so I didn't complain.
I was talking to Andrew on the phone a few minutes ago. He was saying "So, you met this chick at a club, went back to her place, fucked the shit out of her, and now when you see her, it's like flirty flirty and thats it? You should get it all the time!" I told him that it wasn't like that. We want to get to know each other a bit better before anything else progresses. But, like I said, she breaks a lot of rules.
I could live with that I suppose.
Hmm. I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow.
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| Wednesday, August 8th, 2001
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6:17 pm - The Morning After
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(NOTE: For some reason, this entry was deleted, so I am re-writing it from what I can remember)
So I went out with Cynthia at about 8:00 last night. The good thing about being downtown is that you can walk anywhere. All the places I need to be are in walking distance. We had a slight conflict of interests on where to eat, as she is a vegetarian, but we agreed on a nice little restaurant that wasn't too far from my place. One thing I have noticed about Cynthia is that she has an interesting sense of style. She was wearing faded blue jeans over a black unitard. It was strangely arousing in a grungy sort of way. So anyways, we talked like friends, and it was great. We had a small argument when she asked to have some of what I was eating, which was chicken. She said it didn't count as meat, I said it did. So another thing I noticed about Cynthia, is that she breaks a lot of rules.
Afterwards, we hit the bar, and it's about here where my memory gets a bit blurry. All I know for sure is that we got quite a bit more friendly around midnight. Nothing too serious though, just heavy flirting.
I'd talk about it more, But I have to go now. Goodbye.
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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4:51 pm - Later
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I just got off the phone with Cynthia. We are going to meet each other for a bite to eat later on tonight. Here hoping I can re-make my a first impression on her, as our past conversations have been either awkward, drunk or muffled by pillows. By making plans with Cynthia, I once again had to turn down Andrew when he asked me to come and party. He thinks I'm going soft a putting a woman before...well, many women. But I really would rather do this now, and party later. There's always time for that.
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