Today is the last day of modeling, yay finnally I'll get paid. What ever shall I do with the windfall (roughly 100 bucks for 20 hrs, but what can one do)? Nothing much, trip to the wal-marts for bateries, cheap brushes and film. Bah!

You are 20% Libra

You are 60% Scorpio

Lord every day that I deal with the 'majority' I get one step closer to killing them all... For pete's sake I am desperatly trying not to 'act my color' despite the patronizing bull about how they didn't mean me and because I can put simple simple sentances together I am some how above the hood rats they speak of. White bitches get on my nerves, dumb fucks so sheltered that the don't seem to notice the world outside of thier communites. Argh. Why I am I saying this here instead of where it needs to be? Because don't want to deal with the fucking rationlization of 'Why are you acting so ignorant, I was very nice and I said I didn't mean YOU!' (aka nigger just smile and nod your nappy head so that I don't have to feel any empathy or worse 'guilt' about milking the sexist and racial undertones of this country.) Bah I have half a mind to cross post this but I'll let them find me, I am chomping at the bit. See, I try to stay the hell away from white people for this very reason... I don't feel like struggling to get stubborn asses to not even agree but just see where I am comming from. And for that reason I am just a stupid nigger for jumping out of line and sticking up for MY PEOPLE who do not have a voice. Why is it so hard to drive it into the skulls of some people that maybe... just maybe things happen for a fucking reason. It's times like this that I pray for the revolution. Deliver me for white 'liberals' who seem to have thier head so far stuck up thier ass and still can't see shit, if you do one thing for me... just do that.

*Edit

As I flip through my list of books, I just seem to be adding more and more so here we go:

Indivduality

The End of Blackness

Losing the Race: Self-Sabotage in Black America

All Deliberate Speed: Reflections on the First Half-Century of Brown V. Board of Education

White Privilege

White Privilege: Essential Readings On The Other Side of Racism

White Men on Race: Power. Privilege, and the Shaping of Cultural Consciousness

White Out: The Continuing Significance of Racism

Dismantling White Privilege: Pedagogy, Politics, and Whiteness

Race Relations

Country of Strangers: Blacks and Whites in America

A Country of Strangers is a magnificent exploration of the psychological landscape where blacks and whites meet. To tell the story in human rather than abstract terms, the Pulitzer Prize-winning writer David K. Shipler bypasses both extremists and celebrities and takes us among ordinary Americans as they encounter one another across racial lines. We learn how blacks and whites see each other, how they interpret each other's behavior, and how certain damaging images and assumptions seep into the actions of even the most unbiased. We penetrate into dimensions of stereotyping and discrimination that are usually invisible, and discover the unseen prejudices and privileges of white Americans, and what black Americans make of them. The book makes clear that we have the ability to shape our racial landscape—to reconstruct, even if not perfectly, the texture of our relationships. There is an assessment of the complexity confronting blacks and whites alike as they struggle to recognize and define the racial motivations that may or may not be present in a thought, a word, a deed. The book does not prescribe, but it documents the silences that prevail, the listening that doesn't happen, the conversations that don't take place. It looks at relations between minorities, including blacks and Jews, and blacks and Koreans. It explores the human dimensions of affirmative action, the intricate contacts and misunderstandings across racial lines among coworkers and neighbors. It is unstinting in its criticism of our society's failure to come to grips with bigotry; but it is also, happily, crowded with black people and white people who struggle in their daily lives to do just that.

At the Hands of Persons Unknown: The Lynching of Black America

Our Separate Ways: Black and White Women and the Struggle for Professional Identity Ella L. Bell, Stella M. Nkomo

Just got these yesterday Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance Barack Obama

Shifting: The Double Lives of Black Women in America Charisse Jones, Kumea Shorter-Gooden

America behind the Color Line: Dialogues with African Americans Henry Louis Gates

Classim

The Working Poor: Invisible in America David K. Shipler

Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting by in America

Current Mood: aggravated

Things to get done today

• Clean House (Full)
  
• Finish art projects
  
• Diagnose computer and reinstall CD drive
  
• Reorganize office and supplies
  
• Finish website for Q
  
• Write scripts
  
• Work on char designs
  

God no!

Current Mood: scared

You Know You're From Baltimore When...

Your car, no matter what year it is has only three hubcaps. You a girl under 18 that has at least two chilren. Anywhere you go in the city you can see the two Television Towers. People give you a ten digit telephone number. You know how to get anywhere on the MTA. You can go 1 inch across the city line and know that you're out of the city. You've ever gotten 6 peices of chicken for $1.99 that fit on one slice of bread. Cops constantly pull your car over if you have an orange Maryland Tag. You've know where every Red Light Camera is. You've been to a church that is a reconditioned rowhouse You ignore every No Turn On Red Sign You've wondered where the Freeway between Franklin and Mulberry Street was supposed to go to. You've been to the store to buy a 40, a pack of cigarettes, a roll of toilet paper and nothing else. When the traffic light turns yellow you look over to the right for a red light camera. You've made it through downtown in 5 minutes. You still have SuperBowl 35 Flags on your car. Raven 34 Giants 7. You have a car sound system but no car. A trip to Washington DC includes a $13.00 Marc train Ticket. You could be 20 feet away from somebody and they will walk in front of your moving car to cross the street. The further away from the city you work, the better the pay is. It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more - not "Baltimore", depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40. You don't wash your clothes, you "warsh" them. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules.... "Hold on & pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that. All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!" If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy. If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September. If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day. If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium. If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway. HFStival is not only a yearly tradition but it is one of the biggest parties of the year You understand that Old Bay is essential to have a good meal Your entire high school senior class went to Ocean City for a senior week and it was the best week of your life You can pronouce Havre de Grace You understand that the Terps and the Ravens kick major ass You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Baltimore.

Too many ideas and not enough talent nor time. The closest thing I can compare it too is a artistic log-jam, too many things trying to float downstream but becoming tangled in each other. And being the genius that I am, my brain isn't stopping. Argh, I hate art but too late to change now. I'm at the point where I want to cut off my hands for their complete lack of ability or my brain for thinking too big.


In other news:
Some drawing lady (oh I am so verbose) is coming in to speak at 11. Yay! Painting class canceled! After which I'm going to rob... err see Derick, if he manages to not doze off. Remember kiddies, sleep is no excuse for coffee, crack or red balls.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: TCQ in my CD player

Holy shit, I'm actually starting to plan out my life and it's scaring me but I can't keep working like this. Who in the hell am I kidding, I can't keep working. I've started with the smokes again to calm my nerves and stay up. The sad part is that if I put just a quarter of the effort into art that I put into my hellish job, I would be rich or atleast comfortable. I'm just so scared  and my mother doesn't help on bit, always saying that I'll never make anything and I won't be 'sucessful' (ie. have enough money for her to brag to the family) I never cared for money really although I can spend with the best of them, usually on trinkets and food. Why do I let her get to me? Every fucking day she has some god-damned thing to say out her mouth and just want to slap the shit out of her but that would be wrong... I suppose. So for starters I need to keep better care of myself and remove my person from harmful situations both physically and mentally. Second I must move myself towards more positive outlets and not allow myself to zone out through life because in a little over two weeks I'll be 23, gah.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: 92.3 FM

Monday again, blah. I'm still working here, although I don't know for how long before my brain explodes and I begin to cry like a baby but atleast I have 98 on this comp, good ol' 98. Next paycheck is going to be split between my car note, a new hard drive (because 4 gigs is embarassing) and gas... leaving me with zip. So when I get home today I have to spend most of the day backing up shit only to format to NTFS (I think this is the main reason why so many of my prog are fucking up) and reinstall (again). Schools still school although I've been ditching classes like I don't know what. I mean I love school I just can't sit still long enough to do anything.

Today was a day of reflection and observation. After many a year fighting the waves of evil that MircoSoft has unleashed on my computer... I have finally caved and installed XP pro.  Let me tell you one thing after one day using it, I hate XP.  Really, really hate it. Not as much as I loathe Mac OSX but they atleast have killer apps and fun stuffs to sate my bloodlust. I'm one of those Linux/Unix types, geek to the fucking core. I hate having bells and whistles, cause when shit goes wrong... you are screwed and have to spend all day looking through google only to call TS (no, I didn't go that far... my copy is less than legal) and feel like an ass when they find the one backdoor command hidden in all the shit. My little brown eyes can't help but to note that everything dealing with eletronical interfaces are using the beveled/bubbling effect. Pet peeve, bubbles are organic... makes the 'tards (read my mother) think that they can push the innocent bubble then look supprized when the bubble *pops* my system. Bah, Kapi smash!

I guess it was for a reason, I took a look at my files and can you say frag city... I haven't seen that much red since last month but a quick defrag took care of it. Spent most of the day orgainzing and d/l files that I shouldn't have, what can I say. Again My mother stuck her nose where it didn't belong and found my locked folders (I had to unlock them to see what I had and then I got a poptart). I don't think she was savy enough to actually play or view any of the files but some of the titles did get me in to a nice long chat about things I rather not disgust with the maternal unit.

Current Mood: cranky