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Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in
Rachel's LiveJournal:
| Monday, August 26th, 2002 | |
| 9:18 am | Weird that I have my shit together. There's a 20% chance that I don't have sufficient support to hold up what I've accomplished, but we'll see. I saw a girl I hadn't seen since high school this weekend at a fun party, which was odd. But not that odd. One of our new roommates moved in. He's 27. He's pretty cool, better than I expected. I don't find him attractive, but others may. I didn't know he was smoking outside and scratched my crotch right near the window he was standing by and now he probably thinks I'm a total freak / trying to hit on him. Jeez. Hopefully his week will be fun... I want a summer vacation... Love, Rachel |
| Thursday, August 22nd, 2002 | |
| 2:47 pm | Hi, I feel like confessing things. 1. I cheated on my first real boyfriend of nearly three years as a freshman at college and to this day he never knew. 2. I had sex with two guys who were best friends. 3. I had sex with a boy who was 5 years younger than me. 4. I am a very very jealous person but try my best to hide it. 5. I am ridiculously self-centered and self-absorbed, but usually not to the exclusion of others. I am also probably absorbed in your life. 6. I lie all the time by accident. 7. I will spend hours trying to fins the perfect outfit. 8. If I'm not the prettiest girl in a room I get sad and insecure. 9. I am a manic-normal. I don't get depressed, but for me feeling normal is depressing. My happiness is deeply organic and odd. 10. I am a huge, huge wimp when it comes to physical challenge. I was home sick yesterday and threw up and couldn't stop crying cuz I felt so bad for myself. 11. I am deafer and blinder than most people (I can barely make out the big E) 12. I believe the way I am is practically ideal and that my faults are really good ones. 13. I also think I'm a shitty person but I don't let that get me down. 14. I am so in love with my boyfriend that I don't know what I would do without him and would be a completely different person if I ever lost him because my personality conforms to those around me. 15. I do not work hard at anything, but I have high goals and somehow they are achieved. 16. I enjoy flaunting the ease by which I float through life. 17. I wish everyone else had it this easy. 18. I hate myself only about once a week. 19. I know I cheated in college but blocked it out so effectively that I can't remember when or how. 20. It's hard for me not to be snoopy but I'm getting better at it. 21. I miss everyone often. 22. I am accepting of all of my faults, which is probably my biggest problem. And now good things about me: 1. I am very caring and loving. I will care for byou and love you with all my heart. 2. I am usually genuine. 3. I am very giving. Anything I own you can have. You can mooch anything from me. 4. I am uplifting sometimes. 5. I will really listen to your problems and give you the best advice I can. 6. I am concerned about how you are feeling and will do my best to cheer you up. 7. I travel often to visit old friends. 8. I share interesting facts with others cuz I actually think they will be interested. 9. I really want to cure many diseases. 10. I am very goal-oriented (the process means nothing to me though) 11. I am very dedicated to people, places, and jobs. 12. I admire everyone that I am friends with and think that they are so awesome. 13. I will help you whenever you need it (but not physical tasks, sorry) 14. I love my bands always. 15. I am naturally curious and fascinated with science and nature. 16. I will not keep my mouth shut. 17. I want to share with you the things that I love so you can be as happy as me. 18. Even though I realize this is all terribly annoying, I love you! Really! Love, Rachel |
| Thursday, August 8th, 2002 | |
| 8:04 am | I am feeling very meloncholy, which is spelled wrong, right now. I got into work 2 hours early cuz I didn't have a ride otherwise and have been reading old journals and the like. I miss being younger. My Ben Folds days, days of crushing hard and doing stupid things. Now I have a 9-5 job and live with my boyfriend in a house. It's odd, growing up. I'll fight it till the day I die, but it happens no matter what. It's like trying to dam up the ocean. No one knows I'm accidentally growing up, cuz I can still be the same old me around everyone, but here when it's just me and memories I realize how old I'm getting. I think it's derived from observing that other people around me that have played some part in my life are growing up as well... getting less playful, more calm, fatter, sadder, maybe emptier. Is that happening to me? I think it's a balance issue... right now 80% of the time I feel youthful and bouyant and 20% of the time I feel old and separated from my younger self. The ratio's going to change. I don't identify with teenagers much anymore. That's absolutely bizarre. But 20-somethings are just big teenagers, right? This is all too weird, too new, too old. Love, Rachel |
| Thursday, August 1st, 2002 | |
| 9:12 am | Damn, I NEEDS to be finding me a band to rock with. I am itching to play again. I had some fleeting hope with an all-girl band that needed someone, but they already have a drummer. Nuts. If the pre-tension or violet paradox or whatever we're called would just practice more, I'd be so happy.... sigh. I need to buy a new cymbal stand. A crash one. I'm headed into Boston after work today, which should be fun. I feel kind of shitty. Last night I had a terrible head / neck / backache that put me to bed at like 8:30, first time in my life it's been that early. I'm having a party on Sunday which should be fun... I think I'm really bored. Work is fun, but I'm just so exhausted afterwards and can't motivate myself to go out and find people and do stuff. I hate teenagers and adults and lately it seems that very few 20-somethings are not fitting into one of those categories regardless of age. Moving kind of sucks. I miss my friends from home, school, and otherwise. So yeah, a shitty day. Someone better make me an offer to join a band with them soon... Love, Rachel |
| Friday, July 12th, 2002 | |
| 4:25 pm | Hey hobos, I want to leave work. I have had a nausea / pain thing going on today in my stomach, which has been quite lovely. I am supposed to rock out tonight with Phil (I haven't drummed in like 3 months) but he hasn't called me yet at work! Brrraaaatttt. That's all. Lovenms, Rachel |
| Thursday, July 11th, 2002 | |
| 9:03 am | My, my, my. Now that I am sufficiently excited for my party, I shall forget about it for a few weeks. I am the only one in the cognitive neuroscience lab right now. It's a bit spooky. But fun. Mmmm Nick and I ate at Life and Lite last night... yummy as always.. and still our secret.. a secret that everyone knows about but thinks is kind of shitty but the secret is is that it's amazing. I am going to be slightly cranky for the next 6 days. No, not anything regarding blood. I want to go home and play more Super Mario. Guess I'll go online and download secrets for it, if there are still sites that cater to such a thing. I'm guessing yes. What's going on this weekend? Any shows? Hahaa, last night cuz I was thinking about my party I totally had a dream that David Wain and I were dating and I met his mom and she made me remember that her keys were in her minivan. Plus Michael Showlwater was dating a girl named "Christina" and I was jealous. State overload these past few days, no? I feel calmly blissful today. It's weird. I'm not jumpy or nuthin'. But I'm not super happy either... I'm just, well, chill. Weird. How un-Rachel-like. Love, Rachel |
| Tuesday, July 9th, 2002 | |
| 11:21 am | I have decided to have a Wet Hot American Summer theme for my birthday in August. If you read this, you are invited. You must dress like an 80's camper or character from WHAS. Hopefully I can buy the soundtrack somewhere online. And there will be hothouse corn, vegan of course. Plus burgers and veggie burgers and oh my I am excited!!!! It will be at my new house in Newton. Yaaaaay!!! I have yet to decide on the exact date, but probably the second weekend in August. Love, Rachel |
| 11:20 am | In case you didn't know, I HAVE A BETTER USER ICON THAN YOU. Thank you. Love, Rachel |
| 10:16 am | Ahhh :) Maybe you don't care to know this, but I care to tell: I got tested for all of the STDs and am as clean as a whistle! This is excellent. I was shaking like a leaf at the clinic. It was nearly impossible that I had received one, but I was still wicked scared. But nope! Phew. Relief. Our house is really starting to come together, although Emily's gone for the next week and a half. Tonight I am going to the Sky Bar in Somerville to check out Phil's band. Maybe we will rock it later. I am patiently waiting to blow minds. Work is rocking so so hard. Soon I get my ATM card in the mail, and so soon I shall take over!! Love, Rachel |
| Monday, July 8th, 2002 | |
| 9:28 am | Ayo. Heez. Man. I'm at work. In the top mental health facility in the USA. Weird. I understand the people I work with a little TOO well, at times. Newton is getting there. Emily's moved in and we spent last weekend with Ash and Jill on the cape and at a nature preserve on martha's vineyard. I drank for the first time since graduation, and couldn't drink more than tops two drinks. The sensations (taste, smell, heat) of alcohol all just make me feel ill. Seems like I can add accidental straight-edge to accidental vegetarianism and support everyone who are heady enough to do these things usually even though they are tempting. With me there's no challenge, no suffering, no sense of sacrifice. Only a drive to feel physically comfortable. God, I am so vain. I need to dye my hair again. I also need to get back to work. My job includes reading through the complete confidential records of every patient admitted here. It is wonderfully interesting and voyueristic and in the end helpful. I love it. Same reason that Freud says people become surgeons I become a mental health professional. (haha). I may go to a rock show tomorrow night. Tonight I find out something important that will either make my life way more fun or end it. Love, Rachel |
| Sunday, June 16th, 2002 | |
| 5:07 pm | Shit and Goddamn. I still have junk to pack. I am a shitty packer. I love change, but I hate preparing for it. Also I wish I didn't let someone know I'm around, cuz now I can't blow his mind as well. Love, Rachel Newton. Newton. NEWTON!!! I'm moving into a new house with my boyfriend. That sounds so funny to say. |
| Monday, June 10th, 2002 | |
| 10:34 pm | Before. Been a bit. On that comment on my last entry, yes of course "y" is an idiotic name for whatever it is I'm trying to say. I ddn't even think of the generation y thing, and if I had, I can gaurantee I would have come up with somthing else. Cuz that's terribe :) Anyway, I'm doing launrdy and listening to Slint in a frantic effort to get my shit together before moving this weekend to my new house. I really want to think of a name for it, especially if it's to become a venue. I keep on calling it "my dead nana's house", and of course that's terrible. Any ideas? My job starts in a week. I'm half scared and half excited about the responsibility it's going to place on my shoulders. I'm very excited to be working with schizophrenics. Nick is playing basketball right now and I'm cold and I wish he would hurry up and finish up. I sadly watched the Tyson fight the other night with everyone and was thoroughly disgusted. not even on principle, but as a result of actual physical disgust at seeing such beatings. Seeing the mixture of saliva, sweat, and blood fly from the distorted faces of the fighters made me want to throw up. I didn't think I would mind it, but I really did. I had to go upstairs to relax for a bit :) Pain makes me ill. I once threw up and fainted after Nick busted open his chin in California with me when we went biking. I felt worse than he, and he needed something like a dozen stitches. I am a terrible wuss. And yet with dissecting dead animals I am fine. Odd. This summer has proved to be a lovely mixture of boyfriend, our friends, my family, and sleeping. But not in the way you would guess. No, not ever. But in a happy way nonetheless. I wish I could hurry up and start blowing people's minds. I m bringing all of my drums to Newton. Anyone need a hot girl drummer? I want to play again. 2 of my old bandmates will be living in Boston, and I can't wait to rock out with them.... Right now I miss my old band. To brag: we opened for Trans Am! And Sean Na Na! And The New Year! Damn. Wanna hear our CD? I wonder if I will make new friends in Newton and maybe even at MacLean. It's always been easy for me to make friends at Brunswick and Amherst, but now it may be tricky in a more unstructured setting. Hmm. I made a friend that worked at the Newbury Comics in Amherst the beginning of my Junior year. We hung out a few times and he came to one of my shows. Then he moved to Israel, right before September 11th and all that shit. I wonder what happened to him... I made another friend, Ethan, at a show. He's in Colorado. I wonder about him too... mainly I think of these guys cuz they are friends I made out of school and in a real-world-ish type environment. Friends. Debbie called me today, and we will see Phil on Thursday night in Boston. I guess I'll have to make friends at shows. Guy friends are easy, and I keep the ones that don't run away from me when they learn I am in a serious relationship and don't plan on screwing it up. I'd say about 50% I keep. Girl friends are more difficult. I had an amazing crew of 4 other girls at Bowdoin, and we were tighter than any other friends I've ever had. I have one or two girlfriends left over from high school (I guess Allison and Debbie are it... maybe Michelle). I made no girlfriends at Amherst. I wonder if I will ever make another... it's just that most girls are so high maintenance and concerned about shit I don't give a damn about, or they don't care about something I DO care about, or they are defensive and nutty or shitty... or crazy... Half of the punk rock girls intimidate me, the other half I am annoyed with. I guess I tend to write off people when they label themselves so strongly and act and look the part that so many others have adopted in a semblence of defiance. The real hardcore ones I write off as crazy. I wonder how often I'm right? Nearly all punk rock girls would write me off cuz of the way I look and speak and what I care about. Sigh. I am put off by people's pasts. This is a gloomy entry, but I don't feel gloomy. I guess I can thank Slint for such style. :) I want boys to fall in love with me and then improve themselves to better love themselves, meet a sweet girl that I would approve of, and then go off and have a lovely life with some inspiration from me and be happy but never forget me. Egoist. But you wouldn't know it till you get to know me better. One of our friends has recently come to know me for I am and has gained respect for me. I took note because at first I could tell he was taking me at the surface and thinking me silly and irrelevant and typical. Then I won him over, and now he respects me a great deal. He also was surprised that I called myself completely self-absorbed. He didn't get to that part of me yet, so I turned it on on wonderful full blast. He knows it now, and still loves me for it. This makes me very happy! He realized that my rare type of self absorption is not exclusive, and that while I want the best for me, I also want the best for everyone else. I am the most selfish but also the most giving. Here is what likely separates me from you. I hardly ever think about myself, situations that I am or was once or will be in, or anything else involving my personal life. I never lie awake at night consumed by thoughts. I can sleep soundly. My thoughts, if they can be called that, are pure feeling. I am goverened by them, and they are thankfully (for the most part!) rational. I can sit for a long time without any thoughts. I guess I am at peace with myself. Me, me, me. I am genuinely sorry that you had to read so much junk about me, knowing that you don't care at all. Later postings will be better for you. But I'm happy to write this stuff. Love, Rachel |
| Thursday, May 23rd, 2002 | |
| 11:21 pm | The Y Manifesto Packed 2 tubs of clothing. This is terrible. So instead, I'm going to develop my manifesto. I don't have a clever name for it yet.. I'm gonna wait for one to just drop down and hit me in the face. I Do know that it will incorporate the letter Y same way most straightedgers incorporate the letter X. Y, as in post-X, as in Why, as in Question. As in You. As in Yes. Yes to life and control, no to the shit that fucks it up. Yes to checking Your own personal reactions, seeing for Yourself what You can handle. I don't do drugs. I drank on occasion while at college, found out (via aversion to taste and physical reactions outweighting any psychological pleasure) that it wasn't meant for my own body. To quote someone you should know, "it doesn't mean never having a beer every once in awhile". But it DOES mean this when you can't control yourself. I also used to get high on occasion, and also discovered it wasn't for me. No one told me to stop either drug, it was my own educated choice based on my own reactions. I neither lost nor gained friends when I stopped. I am a vegetarian, not vegan. I love the taste and texture of eggs, and they continan the protein I need to remain healthy, even when I am allergic to other dairy products. I would not become a vegan to make any statement, since it goes against something that makes me personally healthy and happy. I am a vegetarian because I find it enjoyable, don't care for meat, reap the benefits of a healthier me, am happy to support those who are vegetarians for a moral reason, and happen to love vegetarian food. I do not make exceptions with any type of meat, be it seafood or poultry or shellfish. I do eat gelatin, because gummibears make me happy. I am a scientist that sacrifices animals in order to advance medicine for humans, because those I love and love me are humans and I want to preserve humanity while trying to improve it. Sex while not in a committed relationship is simple and trite. The payoff in emotional loving sex is far higher and more intense. I understand that some people can handle one night stands and the like. I just question whether they know if their partners can do the same. There must be responsibility. I listen to a fair amount of hardcore music. Why? I like the sound of it. I listen to what I like, and hardcore makes me happy. Yes, happy. I feel energized and ready to take action, whether it be creating or cleaning or thinking. I like hardcore shows. I like the energy. I do not like the close-mindedness I have sadly witnessed. There is an extreme singlemindedness that I have observed creeping into the sXe scene. I have seen punks turn from their old friends when they break edge. I have seen sXer's completely dismiss another based on divergance from the edge. I have seen intense negative prejudice based on clothing style. I have seen intense negative prejudice based on musical taste. I have seen mindless conforming to an "ideal" by lonesome people looking to adopt a persona and fast group of new friends. And it all makes me so sad. If you can handle something and enjoy it and can honestly say that it does not hurt you in any way (or hurt others), then I believe you should do it. Some of my best friends drink nearly every week, some smoke weed and do harder drugs every once in awhile for an adventure, and others sleep around as responsibly as possible, and I love them all. I do not hate, but I do get annoyed. I will try not to make judgements based on appearance, since at first glance I do appear to be who I am at all. I have gotten nasty looks for dressing in a non-punk style at some shows. I will begin to make judgements once you open your mouth, and I am really interested in what you have to say. Y is about questioning all rules and creating your own. Y is about being active in trying to improve society around You. Y is about following the rules that make sense to you and resonate with your beliefs. Y is about intelligence and humor. Y is about acceptance and relativism. Y is about You. Y is about eating at the grasshopper because it is delicious, not because it is trendy. Y is about wearing GAP jeans because they fit you better than anything you can find cheaper, thrift store, or otherwise. Y is about surprises. Y is about happily destroying stereotypes and blowing minds. Y is a different approach. Y is being able to accept deviations from your own decisions because what is right for one is not right for all. I need a better name than Y :) Love, Rachel |
| 3:03 pm | Hi. A new journal for a new start! I'm packing now, about to graduate college and move off into the real world... AHHHH! Gotta find an apartment. Gotta get me some yummy fried tofu.... Lovems, Rachel PS... I'll reiterate my manifestos shortly... |