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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Kaifoxx's LiveJournal:
| Monday, August 19th, 2002 | |||||
| 11:12 pm | Like this would be a big surprise lol
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| 10:31 pm | Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. I really need a network card and DSL. Not enough time in the day otherwise, to get all the things I need to do done online. Problem is, neither I or EE have any idea how to install a network card. And Timing is being a real royal PAIN IN THE ASS lately. So its been awhile since last I updated. I had switched my schedule around last week, was supposed to work Monday and get Thursday off...then, called out Monday because of the tooth, but was still supposed to have Thursday off so the other girl didnt lose her hours. That didnt happen, she needed the night off, so I got stuck working, but at least I got my sick day back. So then I was going to go hit Underland Privat up at Orbit Friday night. I come in to find out two people called out, upset three other shifts, and I got stuck working a gods damned double. What should have been a week of me being paid for five days, but only working four turned into a week of me covering six damned shifts. At least I got my sick day back and now Im getting overtime for the extra shift, but damnit...I got robbed of my damned weekend cause I was feeling like total dogshit, and then lost out on a good club night because of other asshole people who cant pull their own weight, once I was feeling up to actually going out. I couldnt even go out Saturday night, cause of that lovely 8 hour turn around. Let me explain that...pulling a double doesnt get you out of your next working shift. I worked from 4 p.m. on Friday after noon until 8 a.m. on Saturday morning, then had to be back at work at 4 p.m. on Saturday afternoon. So Im back on my weekend today, and I did not a single damned thing except take a shower. Im out of cigarettes so will have to go get some soon, but for now, Im enjoying pc time. I had wanted to go see a movie, but by the time I had caught up all the messages on Borderlands, it was too late for that. So, I got my second evaluation at work, the one that marks my working for the company now six monthes, on Wednesday. It was better than the first one. Only one complaint, better communication on the radio needed, but it was followed up with a remark that much improvment there had already been seen. I got a 5 (perfect score) on attendance and showing up on time...which I didnt necessarily agree on..but considering the other employees...I have called out twice in the six monthes Ive been there. Once because of a pipe leak in the apartment bathtub that was leaking into the apartment under mine and neccessitated my being home while it was being repaired, and the other time, was that extra day spent moving in here. The third day doesnt count now, since it would have been my ordinary day off, and has since reverted back to ordinary day off. But I was late twice in two weeks a month and a half ago due to a faulty alarm clock, and got a warning for it. I think I got the 5 tho cause otherwise, Im in the gate at least 15 minutes before my shift starts, and thats if I stop somewhere for something, otherwise, Im in a half hour early. Everyone else rolls through the gate five til or right on the minute. Which is extremely rude. I usually take over a few minutes after I get into the Gate. People get relieved early when I relieve them. I end up rolling out of the Gate five to ten minutes late cause a certain someone refuses to get in the Gate any sooner than 5 til, usually 2 minutes til or on the dot. I am going to have to discuss this with him. But I already know what he will say...same thing happens to him when they daytime dispatcher comes in. So I dont mind the 5 I really didnt quite deserve. The fact Im courteious in getting people out the door early makes up for it. Im rather displeased with a certain someone who accosted me at Respects wanting to know if there was overtime at my site available, and telling me to let my Capt know he needs some overtime...so I do, and they call him repeatedly all weekend...and I even call him while Im working my overtime shift and he is working at his site...and the shithead never even bothers to call us back...not even once...to let us know he got our messages. I had to call HIM otherwise I wouldnt know he had at all. Why ask me to get you some extra hours if you have no intention of even checking for yourself or calling people back when you get called? How rude. Short of all that, only exciting thing to happen all week was CV coming down for the weekend and bringing me a birthday present, and cooking us dinner on Saturday night. :):):) She brought me the most beautiful teddy bear..I put her in the cabinet so the kitties cant get at her. It was so cool having her there...got to laugh at poor EE cause he was all frettish-like. Had to keep telling him to sit down...he was wandering around cleaning stuff while we were still eating dinner practically, and I had to tell him to quit it he was making me nervous lol. And then he found out a pipe behind the house broke...but he and CV got it fixed. They make a good team. So thats been my life this week. Boring for the most part, stressful, and only one good day out of the deal. Now I have to go catch up on everybody else's ljs...if I dont comment, dont be upset, I have a large friends list and at least a weeks worth of catching up to do. Its gonna take me awhile to read it all. Current Mood: happy to not be at work | ||||
| Friday, August 16th, 2002 | |||||
| 5:17 am | Of Birthdays and Wisdom teeth... Been a few days since I last updated. Wednesday I saw the oral surgeon. He pronounced that I must have no less than FOUR wisdom teeth pulled out. He wants to do them all at once. He wants to poke me with needles, and an I.V. I dont like needles. I can deal with needles so long as I dont see it. I have a phobia of I.V.s that goes way beyond any sight of a regular needle tho. I explained this to the Oral Surgeon. He promised me Happy Juice. Juice full of drugs that will make me not give a rats ass what he wants to ...um. Okay, that just sounds wrong lol. But enough drugs I wont give a rats ass about the I.V. And he promised "Really good drugs" for afterwards. lol Now....this is not without some complications. Firstly, the insurance will pay for all but two hundred and fifty dollars. I can swing that. I will have cleaned out my dental insurance for the year tho, and I will need that teeth cleaning after I recover from the extractions. I wont have any more insurance left to pay for the cleaning. Either I have to pay that out of pocket, or I have to wait til next year, January, to have the cleaning done. I dont want to wait that long. Ive no idea what its going to cost out of pocket. I am looking into upgrading my dental insurance tho, so that might change things. Now for the even more complicated part.... I need someone to take me to the Oral Surgeons, then bring me home, and pretty much baby-sit me until EE gets home from work. Im planning on doing this on a Monday, so I am not using any sick time for the first two days as its going to be at least three, maybe four days recovery time. So this someone will have to be someone who happens to either be off on Monday, or loves me enough to take the day off from work. Anybody? Um, anybody local? Im looking at either the last Monday of this month, or the second Monday in Sept. (The first is Labor Day and they will be closed). And then there is another question for later on down the road....this addressed to people on the friends list who actually know me in person. The Oral Surgeon brought up the whole thing about my underbite. (Yes, I know it appears I have an overbite, but truth is, I have a serious underbite.) He suggested, for "Health Reasons" that I should consider going to an Orthodontist and have my jaw broken and moved forward to correct the problem. He is the third Dentist in twenty years to tell me this. One even screamed at me because I hadnt had it done. That one is the reason I have such a fear of Dentists incidentally. But Im doing the whole, okay, this impacted wisdom tooth thing sucks, time to face the fear head on an get it taken care of. My question is....what do you all think? You have seen me. I dont know what these health reasons are..so Im thinking the cosmedic consequences first... What would you do in my place? This is all completely hypothetical, I dont know if I could ever afford the procedure...its a complete unknown on that one... There are no wrong or offensive answers here either. I have lived with this for 30 years, and you dont have to worry about sparing my feelings. The fact that you have all accepted me as friend says all I need to know about that, in the past, many didnt. But I know its a detriment, always has been, to my looks. This underbite, and the consequences of it, have made me who I am today in many ways. I dont regret it. But doesnt mean I wouldnt be too adverse to getting rid of it either. Tho Im not overly fond of the "cure". Short of that, I had a pretty good B-day despite having to work. EE gave me a birthday present, and tho he didnt realize it, so did K-2 in something he said to me Wednesday night... I shall tell ya what he said. He said that either Monday or Tuesday night, he was driving along doing Road Patrol, and a fox ran out in front of his vehicle. He almost hit it. He swerved in time, and it was okay. But his first thought, and apparently a strong emotional response, was that the fox might be ME. He actually panicked thinking he almost ran ME over...he couldnt be sure of my whereabouts cause I wasnt in the Gate working. Hehehehe. To think, he has no idea either. But I thought that was pretty damned cool. Anyways, am off to go harrass Cer's Kid.. Current Mood:  thoughtful | ||||
| Wednesday, August 14th, 2002 | |||||
| 12:53 am | Kicked around by Life...an deciding to Kick Back Ugh. One day away from my 30th Bir...err..scratch that, looking at the time, I am now officially 30. Sigh. My tooth still hurts. I went to the Dentist on Monday. They took X-rays. They pronounced that I must have not one, not two, but FOUR wisdom teeth removed. They gave me antibiotics. They gave me hydrocodone. (painkiller) I went home. I took medicine. I laid around and watched tv. The pain went away. I decided that I missed nothing from not watching tv in five years. I fell asleep. I woke up and decided to move. I suddenly felt rather ill. I laid back down, and read the side-effects on the painkillers. Sigh. I decided maybe I didnt like the painkillers so much. I took one more to be sure. I decided not to take anymore until I had consulted with the next Dentist. I woke up today feeling decidedly less depressed, less in pain, and made the next appointment with the oral surgeon. That will be later today, at 12:45. I marked it down on the calendar and suddenly realized I had a meeting at work in a couple of hours. I hauled ass to get ready, threw the laundry in the car, and sped off to the job. The meeting was...well, a waste of two good hours. It was supposed to be set up between a higher up in Corporate, with the S/O's for the purposes of allowing them to discuss SAFELY problems they were having with certain Supervisors. This did not happen. The Supervisors were all present. Only one person spoke up about her problem with the Lt. Everyone else was fearing future repercussions of doing the same. I spoke up concerning the rumormongering going on, which did induce someone else to ask for an investigation concerning a rumor told about him. I have the feeling this wont be occurring again tho, as now Corporate will just dismiss the site as having no serious problems, since nobody else had anything to say. So, then it was laundry time. No, nothing exciting there. Visited with my bro after that. He was all happy with himself. He has a date on Friday. :) Go bro lol. So, then, I decided to take myself birthday present shopping. I got myself a new keyboard (which isnt a matching black keyboard, but was the best thing I could find nontheless). A new phone and a new portable cd player so I can have music at work if I want it. My tooth still hurts, but not as bad as it has been. Not bad enough for me to put up with those pain killers. I giggled at EE as he was carrying about a power drill kinda gun style.. And now, Im off to bed soon. Soon as we get done hanging stuff up on the wall. Yes, I know I missed Rasputina. But, well, EE didnt have the key, I did, and couldnt see leaving him locked out over a concert, and especially didnt need a concert when I have to get up early for a dentist consultation. Oh well. Next time. Current Mood: no real mood, maybe too tired | ||||
| Monday, August 12th, 2002 | |||||
| 4:09 am | It was a dark and stormy night..... Actually, it was, except for all the lightning kicking up behind the cloud cover. They had 14 alarms go off on the day shift. ~snickers and grins~ I had zero alarms and either one hell of a water main break or a sinkhole, or both, on one of the golf courses. Within a few hours, we had a new man made lake over there. And it was headed for some of the homes. We considered laying bets...whether the residents would float away or not before the guy we had to call would get over there and check it out. Nobody floated away. Unfortunately. There is always tomorrow. 634 got K-2 good tonight. We had been having one of those rambling conversations....nothing of too much interest really, but he had made statements to the effect that he was not really looking around much for women..he was kicking back and cooling his heels, and doing other stuff more important than relationship chasing. Then he said he should go back to writing poetry as poetry attracts the ladies. Meanwhile, Id been wondering about this strange mark on his neck.... I didnt look closely tho, didnt want to appear as tho I were staring at it in case it was a big zit that he would be all embarrassed about having get noticed. 634 walked in, got a good look at it tho, and proceeded to ask quite loudly who had laid the hickie on him. He got all kinds of flustered, turned a few interesting shades of crimson...says....Oh...um...jeeez...an here Id been saying I had been taking it easy, working on my projects, not chasing the women...damn..I that just blew my whole train of thought...I dont know what to say now.." I just looked at him evilly and grinned. Snickered a bit. Told him he needed to teach her to not leave evidence. Obviously she is territorial if she has to mark her man. He found other things to do outside of the office til it was time to leave. Cant imagine why...not like he has to be ashamed of whatever he does. Not my business. I was just highly amused at his obvious discomfiture. Nothing more amusing than a guy who suddenly realizes he has been caught lieing, with the evidence to the lie in plain sight. Even more amusing when one has to ponder why the guy lied in the first place. But such was the amusement of my night. Not a damned thing else of any interest occurred. My tooth still hurt, but oddly enough..not as much. This makes me suspicious. Im not used to things that hurt that much just mysteriously going away all on their own. I shall see what this dentist says later today. And Ashkalon IMed me tonight. He has made it to Vegas, met his girlfriend in person, and they are both very happy with one another. He was forcing her and the roommate to drink his homemade absinthe. Poor Dom and DW... Then they had to go out to find food. So Ash is finally gonna be happy. And on that note...I should go sleep... Early day ahead. Current Mood: tired, tooth still hurts a bit | ||||
| Sunday, August 11th, 2002 | |||||
| 4:28 am | Wimpers to self...must..live...til...Monday... So I can grab the Dentist I will be seeing by the throat and yell, TAKE IT OUT NOW GODSDAMNIT OR YOU DIE. I dont think I have ever been in such pain before. And people keep asking me if Im alright...how am I doing... Grrrrrrroooooowwwlllll. How am I doing? Lets see..... Im not TALKING for a REASON for starters..IT HURTS. Food, is now right up there with medieval torture devices. Did I mention that I get positively EVIL when Im not feeling good? Forget grouchy...I go straight to EVIL... Enough about this tho.... Two other things I wished to mention tonight.... Firstly, Ashkalon called from Oklahoma...he reports that is is "dark" in Oklahoma. He says hello to everybody and will call me again when he actually gets to Vegas. He just wanted to assure us he has managed to not cease to exist altogether outside the Florida borders. Secondly...I was considering something a certain individual had made mention of to me, last week....last Monday to be precise...something that did not sound exactly right to me at the time...but it finally hit me today, as to what sounded off about it... An individual I used to call friend, who had to be asked to leave Borderlands some monthes back due to personal attacks he was levelling against myself, as well as starting conflict on my Board with others...who used to incidentally, also be a friend of Ashkalon's, and had allowed Ash to live in his home after I threw Ash out...told me that he had heard a rumor about me...one he never bothered to confirm with me before last Monday, and one I cant believe anybody in their right mind would have bothered to repeat... Apparently, I have been out of work since February, having quit my job with Motivated, or somehow lost that job, and he had no knowledge of how Id been managing to survive since.. I cant imagine ANYONE who would have possibly made something like THAT up...anyone I care about who isnt on lj, still knows I left Motivated for Fox..and knows I left on good terms, to take a better job with another company. I couldnt imagine anyone who DOESNT know me, well, or otherwise, caring enough to pass something different around. Especially something like me being out of work because I quit with nothing else lined up, or got fired. And he conveniently couldnt provide me with any names as to who told him this. I dont believe for a second that ANYONE did. I tend to think he made it up. I tend to suspect he may be telling other people this however. He is the only one I know manipulative enough, has some motive to attempt slandering me behind my back, and the only one I know vindictive enough to say something that would have people looking at me like I might be asking them for favors or money. BUT..before I say anything further....I must check with Ashkalon...and see if He had mentioned to this individual what the truth was at that time...if he did...then I know this person was lieing his ass off. But if not, well, it was still a nasty thing to just toss out there to try upsetting me. I dont believe anyone else would have said something like that, cause Im usually beneath the notice of most people who spread rumors, or just havent done anything to them to warrant it. But this irks me. This person may still be percieved to be a trusted source of information about me, as he and I never have really made it clear to all and sundry our touch of antipathy for each other, outside that small group of his and Ashkalon's friends. If anyone hears something that doesnt sound right, and its about me, come talk to me about it..especially if this individual happened to be the one who said it. Id be very interested in knowing if this person has decided to get even more petty and vindictive than he has already been in the past. Current Mood: Hurting and EVIL | ||||
| Friday, August 9th, 2002 | |||||
| 1:34 pm | To register a complaint...press one now... Went to bed around 6:30 a.m. Long but good night had been had. Was very tired. Woke up at 10 a.m. with screaming horrendous PAIN in my back right tooth. I suspect its a wisdom tooth coming in where there is simply not enough room, thusly impacting on the molar next to it. PAINPAINPAINPAINPAIN. Ah. But thats what DENTAL INSURANCE is for, right? Except I left all the paperwork at work. Easy solution, have to call in anyway... SO, I call in, talk to the Daytime dispatcher. Tell her where my medical and dental insurance can be found...she cant find anything on the Dental. Nobody else in the office. Sigh. She wants to call me back. I hang up. Half hour later, I call her back, cause she hasnt called ME back. I call the Corporate Office. They have no idea whats going on, or any information at all on the Dental Insurance. They give me Blue Cross Blue Shield, the medical insurance. I spend approximately one hour on the phone, in phone recording HELL. I talked to exactly two human beings the whole time, for about the grand total time of three minutes of that entire hour. Now Im in serious PAIN. Im tired. Im aggravated. I call HR back. Somebody threw out the new phone number Id given. I talk to the Capt. and give him the new number, and explain what Id gotten so far. He tells me to call Corporate...tells me Im looking for Aetna..and what kind of policy I have.. I call Corporate again, and explain the situation. They give me the number to Nelco, and they tell me to try to reach them, and they would do the same. I got through to Nelco, explained the situation, and they gave me the names of several dentists in the area. Few minutes later, the receptionist from Corporate calls back, asking whether or not Id gotten through to Nelco, she tried but got a recording, and left a message. I told her I had, and thanked her. Nelco got her message and called me back again. They give me several more dentists numbers as the first batch I got nowhere with. Forget getting an appointment TODAY. Out of seven dentists, four were not taking new patients, one told me Id have to wait til Monday, another Thursday, and a third, the TWENTY-FIRST.??? I called back the one who could take me on Monday back, and made the appointment for 2 p.m. They prolly wouldve taken me today, except they had someone in there for a six hour procedure. I wondered about that...and then decided I prolly just didnt want to know... So..Im not working tonight. Im not going ANYWHERE If I can help it, except my BED...maybe the couch to watch a movie. My tooth is trying to convince me that in a previous life, it was a Master of Torture for the Spanish Inquisition. It hurts to drink, let alone eat. I have to work the next two days, since I cant do anything else about this until Monday, I might as well, suffer at work just as easily if not comfortably as I can at home...tho I could call in if I really want to. I have one single blessing...maybe a mixed blessing. I have two 800 milligram strength ibuprofens left from my stint in the Army which were prescribed to me for tendonitus. I had four, but took one last night and one this afternoon...for a little while, the pain lessoned to nil..its already starting to come back tho. Not a good sign at all. So I will be in agony for most of the damned weekend...unless I double up on the 200 miligrams and run the risk of overdosing... By now, Ashkalon is prolly on his way out of Florida on his road trip cross country to Las Vegas Nevada. HOARDE_3 is prolly somewhere in the airspace between here and Singapore..for his two week vacation. I picked a fine week to quit smoking. Current Mood: in pain... Current Music: still twitching from the BCBS recording HELL | ||||
| Wednesday, August 7th, 2002 | |||||
| 3:58 am | Cruxshadows....WOW. So I had a busy day today. Did my laundry, went to Bro's to pick up Ashkalon and change clothes, cause we had another HOARDE Dinner invasion to go to (this time, The Kingsburg in Boynton Beach, best Dim Sum in town.) He wasnt there. Nor did he show up on his own. So, he didnt get to go to the show afterwards.... DEADSTAR ASSEMBLY I think we may want to watch this band..I had heard of them before, seen their flyers for their shows. Hadnt made one due to the fact they seem mighty fond of Friday nights, and I dont get out of work til midnight..an work weekends. I thought they were the most decent opening act Ive seen yet. Decent sound, a bit too much power maybe, considering they blew the power twice lol. But they took it all in stride with a decent sense of humor about it too. Good stage presense as well. Well worth checking out in future. Then CRUXSHADOWS.... Obviously not used to playing such small venues as Respectables, but they sounded great, and the lead singer managed to turn the entire dance floor area into his own personal stage and jungle gym. One of the things Ive always appreciated about Gothic-Industrial bands is their total lack of fear of their audience. The fact they WILL come up and be friendly, will talk to you. Will let you talk to them, with no ego at all. They sounded fantastic btw. If you missed this, well...I havent seen as good a performance at Respects since Das Ich kicked off their last tour of the US through FL. And this was all for the admission of 12 little dollars. I was extremely impressed. I wished I hadnt forgotten to get film for the camera, THIS was the show for pictures. This show also kicked off their latest cd release so I wont have to travel to Lauderdale to get it...and I think it will be a good cd..if the song Resistor is any clue. Unfortunately, I didnt have much cash on me (wish these folks would learn to bring credit machines) so I couldnt pick up any of the old stuff...but no matter. Im overdue for a trip to Uncle Sam's anyway. Some highlights of the show were..from what I saw anyway, I ended up out on the dance floor fighting for space almost literally.. The leadsinger grabbing hold of Azagthoth's arm and dancing about with him...staring down Kate as she danced..a couple of times..she just stared back at him, completely unperturbed in typical cool Kate fashion..and Micki dancing abit with him and then eventually hearing her proclaim that she could now say she had been close enough to the band to receive spit in the eye lol. (apparently, he got her right in the pupil, and she was not exactly happy about it at all.) As for me, on the way out, I shook the lead singer's hand and thanked him for coming to West Palm. I think it very important to say thank you to any band who has the wherewithal to play Respectables, and West Palm Beach itself..we always get passed up in favor of Miami, Orlando, Tampa and Jacksonville. Its refreshing to have them visit us too. All in all, a damned good show. Next week: LIVID KITTENS and RASPUTINA. Must check out LIVID KITTENS...keep seeing their flyers all over the place too... Current Music: none, cant hear anyway, ears not working | ||||
| 3:47 am | Amused... Got some comments back on something I did yesterday that put a smile on my face. I went and poked around somebody else's lj, at the request of Satan_dot_com, this person was apparently being a bugger to someone else, and this someone else had asked for help. Im not certain what the issue was exactly....I think the requester had posted something about a gay travel agency...and the bugger was apparently offended by it...I think. At any rate, I read up a bit on the bugger, and well...he seemed to be pretty young. A kid really. But maybe a little smarter than some kids we have seen..(thinks about that one lj Penguinboi found and pointed us to once, that had me all sorts of icked out.) Flameage was requested, aimed at this bugger...but, well, I dont believe in flaming anyone anymore. So my response was to post politely, and point out some things..based on the bugger's interest in spirituality. And not flame him, and certainly not pick on the poor guy's typos. And I think it was the requester who posted back..giving me buckets of cool points for not flaming the bugger or picking on his typos like everyone else. Well, like I replied back..flaming people is much like mudslinging. You cant do it without getting the muck on you as well. In other words, flaming someone outright..(especially when you dont really know what exactly IS going on) makes you look as bad, maybe even worse, than the person you are flaming. Flaming is abusive, its bully tactics with words. You dont show yourself any better if you do it back to someone. All you show is that they pissed you off enough to respond. They got a rise out of you. Thats likely exactly what they were hoping for. Its not something I like to give anyone. And I kinda like the feeling of getting the best of someone, without resorting to being nasty...especially if they are already getting lots of nastiness aimed their way. I hope the bugger got something out of my response to him. Im glad to see that someone else saw how something useful can be accomplished without the need to be cruel. Current Mood:  accomplished | ||||
| Monday, August 5th, 2002 | |||||
| 6:12 pm | As if there was any question lol
Neo-Pagan A community of faiths bringing ancient pagan and magickal traditions to the modern age -- including mostly Wicca but also Druidism, Asatru, Shamanism, neo-Native American, etc. Neo-Pagan is an umbrella term for various and diverse beliefs with many elements in common. (See Pagan Path Selector below) Some Neo-Pagans find no incongruence practicing Neo-Paganism along with adherence to another faith, such as Christianity or Judaism. Belief in Deity: Some believe in a Supreme Being. Many believe in God and Goddess - a duality. Many believe there are countless spirit beings, gods and goddesses, in the cosmos and within all of nature - God is all and within all; all are one God. The Great Mother Earth, or Mother Nature, is highly worshipped. Divinity is immanent and may become manifest within anyone at any time through various methods. Incarnations: No human incarnations are worshipped in particular, as all of nature and the universe are considered embodiments of God and Goddess, or of gods and goddesses, worthy of respect, reverence or worship. Origin of universe/life: Generally there is no conflict between observations revealed through science and Neo-Pagan beliefs on origins of the physical universe and of man. Many believe in a supreme intelligence that created a duality of God/Goddess who then created a spirit world of gods and goddesses as well as all of the universe and nature. After death: Many believe in reincarnation, after some rest and recovery in the “Otherworld.” There is generally no concept of hell as a place of punishment, but some believe wrongdoing can trap the soul in state of suffering after death. Some (Wicca) believe the soul joins their dead ancestors who watch over and protect their family. Some believe that life energy continues in some, if unknown, form. Some believe in various spiritual resting places. Many say we don’t or can’t know what happens after death. Why evil? “Evil” is imbalance. Most believe there is no evil but rather that people sometimes make mistakes. Wrongdoing results when we forget we are one with the universal spirit. Salvation: The concept of “salvation” is essentially irrelevant; rather the belief that people can attain spiritual balance and harmony with each other and Nature. The path includes group ceremonies, dances, songs/chants, prayers, meditation, trance, altered states of consciousness, the metaphysical, magic, invoking or evoking deities or spirits, Tantric practices. Intercessors are commonly used: psychics, seers, shamans, tarot, Oui-Ja Board. Ethical choices are influenced by belief in rebirth and karma - that one is rewarded or punished within this or after this lifetime for one’s choices, and an ethical code to do no harm. Undeserved suffering: Most do not believe in Satan or any spirit Being as the cause of suffering. Some believe in karma, that choosing to live a life of wrongdoing and pain will naturally result in suffering in this or later lifetimes. Many view suffering as a result of spiritual imbalance in one’s life or on the planet or in the universe. The focus is generally on healing suffering rather than answering definitively why it exists. Issues: Abortion choice is supported by many, but beliefs about abortion range from “pro-life” to “pro-choice.” Views on divorce, homosexuality, and gender equality are generally very supportive of human differences, equality, and personal choice. Many believe that involvement in community action, especially regarding environmental concerns, is integral to the belief in human interdependence and worship of the Earth Mother. | ||||
| 5:23 am | Splat goes the Chaos Cannon... I dont care to leave my journal on such a decidedly downish kind of post..I think in times like these, a little bit o humor is all the more needed and desired. This hasnt made the Journal of Book Quotes yet,...but it WILL when I get around to working on it again... "The raven cawed from the edge of the clearing. "You want me to follow you?" asked Shadow. "Or has Timmy fallen down another well?" The bird cawed again, impatiently. Shadow started walking toward it. It waited until he was close, then flapped heavily into another tree, heading somewhat to the left of the way Shadow had originally been going. "Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are." The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes. "Say 'Nevermore,' said Shadow. "Fuck you," said the raven. It said nothing else as they went through the woodland together." AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman | ||||
| 4:31 am | When the world goes dark and theres nothing you can say... This has been coming for a few days now. There are two people on my lj friends list, one Ive never met in person, and one I know fairly well, well enough to consider him a friend anyway, that have both lost people they were very close to. This isnt about knowing what its like. I lost my own people too, but its different for each person. I dont pretend to know what either of these friends is feeling right now. I know that for me, my own experience was such that I came to some realizations....many years ago. The first realization is that no one will ever know the pain you feel, unless they have suffered it too. The second realization was, every single one of us will..unless by some stroke of luck, we are the one departing first..way too early to have likely seen others go before us. Every single one of us, is going to lose someone we love dearly. Most of us assume it wont be until out golden years. Most of us assume we may not live long enough to see our golden years. But assumptions are just that. We all die. We will likely see someone out before we go. We will all know this pain. Its HELL. The third realization was that tho I know all this, that I fervently HOPED that NONE of the people I love and care about would EVER have to suffer this. That isnt to mean that I wish my loved ones dead, I dont. I mean that I dont ever want them to look at me and say "Now I understand what you went through." Its a painful knowledge. One I wish I could erase. And its one that makes me feel so damned helpless. I know the one friend has been through worse. He is a strong person. He will survive this as he has survived others. The other friend, I think he will be okay in time. He is so much stronger than I think even he realizes. But nonetheless, I wish I could turn back the clock and change these things. I remember a time when I looked at the world from the point of view that I am glad I dont have anymore. Then, I felt like I was passing by windows, looking in at other people, smiling, happy, content, laughing with their loved ones, and completely immortal. I was the ghost, looking in, envious of the warmth I didnt have anymore, wishing that they could understand why I hurt so bad. It took me awhile to come to terms with a world that at the time, expected me to smile and laugh when I couldnt. For me, there was an emptiness. An empty bed, an empty house, and an empty heart. I was angry because so many people seemed to turn away from me. I was so angry then. It took me a long time to understand that they could not understand, because they couldnt comprehend the pain of loss. It hadnt happened to them. I felt cut off. Then I realized that, for me, I was partly to blame for this. It wasnt anyone else's fault I was hurt. It wasnt any one of them that killed my loved ones. The one person who was responsible was in jail..doing their time. The others..well, people die. Its the curse of Life. Its no one's fault, not even mine. And I asked myself, while I was looking in at all those happy people, would you really want them to know? Can you blame them for not wanting to know, themselves? No. A million no's. In a way, I feel guilty everytime one of my friends loses someone they love. Its irrational. Its stupid. I cannot change the nature of things for myself, for my friends, for anyone. I KNOW this, and yet, I still feel guilty as hell. Like somehow, I expect myself to stop the hands of Fate single handedly. I was never much of a rational person I guess. And I have so little to offer. Even after the fact. No magick potion or spell. No words of wisdom or healing. "Im Sorry." and "My Condolences" are so...trite. Almost meaningless....but at the same time, its all the rest of us have to really express that we are just sorry we cant mend the hurt. We cant change the storyline for someone we dont want to see suffering. Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: kitties, telling me its late and time for bed... | ||||
| Sunday, August 4th, 2002 | |||||
| 2:49 am | Computer is back online....minus a keyboard For the time being at any rate. I shall pick up a new one after work tomorrow with luck. Work was quiet again. Three alarms, one resident assist. that 650 was happy he got sent on. The resident tipped him twenty bucks for carrying luggage in. He was all sorts of pleased over that. He even brought me a coffee from the corner store. :) I spent most of the night throughly engrossed in Neil Gaiman's book AMERICAN GODS. I temporarily misplaced THE RETURN OF THE KING by Tolkien that I had been reading, during the move. Its in one of the boxes I havent gotten to yet. AMERICAN GODS is fascinating on some levels that I feel sort of wierd considering, much less posting. But here goes. The main character, "Shadow" just gets out of prison for a burglary he committed for the sake of his wife, who ends up dieing in a car crash just before they release him. Shadow is...well..reminiscent of Phil. Quiet. Intelligent. Wary. Owns up to his misdeeds in the same manner. And the name Shadow itself...lol..used to be the name I was known by back in high school. In some wierd way, its almost like a "what if" scenerio...like what if Id died instead, and it had been Phil who was the one left alive here. Short of that, the story takes off and bears no further similarities to actual events. Except for a reference I almost choked on my coffee when I saw it..I think Gaiman threw a de Lint reference in there.... One part of the chapter details how some of the Old Gods got to America with a little help from certain immigrants, one of which has her life story told, and she is thinking about the stories she tells her grandkids about the Faerie of England. They want to hear the stories about Jack and the Beanstalk, and Jack The Giant Killer.... It was Jack the Giant Killer that threw me for a loop. de Lint must have written his story based on an earlier legend or something, cause his JACK OF KINROWAN is broken into two separate stories, and the second is called Jack The Giant Killer. Odd. But a cool kind of odd. The rest of my night was spent contemplating the oppressiveness to the Air..trying to decide if it were merely me, or something else entirely. Id have said it was me, but it seems that alot of people were out of sorts. And its been hanging around, this oppressiveness, for awhile now. I finally had a moment to really notice it yesterday. The Air is all Heavy. Feels like something is brewing. Actually, were I to set a scene to the feeling ....it would be a war zone in the Middle Ages...in a castle, looking over the wall at the besieging Army beneath you...and you can see them getting ready to attempt to storm the walls. You are waiting...and sharpening your sword or axe. Thats what the air felt like today. Maybe it was just me. Anyways, am off...got some things to look at before going off to unpack more boxes. Current Mood:  mellow | ||||
| Saturday, August 3rd, 2002 | |||||
| 4:54 am | Damn....getting ragged on hard by the astrologist. Here is your horoscope for Friday, August 2. Use your great powers for good instead of letting the forces of darkness gain the upper hand. Moderation makes your life much easier. Wrap up unfinished business now so that you won't have to face it on Monday. I was not using my powers for Darkness yesterday, just for the record. It was a very slow day, with the exception of a sudden helacious thunderstorm that jumped three alarms...and one very silly "animal call." Some residents stopped by the gate on their way out, to tell me they had seen what looked to be a snake on the driveway of a residence. I sent 650 out there to check it out. He comes back saying something to the effect of "Freaking idiots should have looked a little closer..how do you make a mistake like THAT?" It was a piece of black colored ROPE. I spent most of the night in quiet. Neither 650 or 630 were very talkative. 650 I began wondering about. He is new, not someone I have worked with much. Only twice so far. He would come into the office, and sit in the back area, and stare into space. For lengthy periods of time. He musta had something on his mind...he looked like he was thinking awfully hard. 630 just played with the pc. At least they fixed mine. My buttons were back as mysteriously as they left. When I got out of work, EE and I went to work making the living room more settled. It now looks less like a storage shed and more like a living room lol. I unpacked more boxes of books. Got more to do yet tho. A lot more to do. Now however, tis off to bed.. | ||||
| Friday, August 2nd, 2002 | |||||
| 3:16 am | Gods Im getting old... I woke up today..and didnt want to move. Realized I was late, so I moved ALOT. Borrowed EE's car and shot down Jog and warped speed to work. I need to get a new car. Like one that doesnt go from 0 to 60 in ten minutes. Got to work in plenty of time. And walked into more impending political warfare...and a messed up pc. The Capt. told me I missed quite a bit while gone. Apparently, the Lt. and the Director made some kind of move on trying to get the Capt. fired. He told me he was "at war" now. But that was all he would say. And the work pc ...someone screwed it all up. My Dispatch page, and some other paperwork pages, which usually have several pages to them, for some reason, the button that is normally there to access the other pages, vanished inexplicably. So I couldnt get to page two of the Dispatch log, and had to correct an older Timesheet cause I couldnt get the one I usually use. Frustrating, but hey. Could have been worse. On the move...I might have a second casualty on the move..my pc. Near as we can tell so far, the keyboard is shot. I suspect there is more to it than just that. I took it over to Bro's to have him check it out and give me the prognosis. In the meantime, Im borrowing EE's pc. So Ive got a huge job of unpacking to do. And lots o complications what with the desk being gone, and my cabinet not set up yet. And several boxes of stuff I had stored for my Mom and Ja that had been in a side closet, now in my room, with no place to put it. Talk about in the way. Got a lot of crap to go through, and try to figure out where to put it all..and thats just to get to the trunk and the dressers so I can put away my clothes. I think unpacking may actually be worse than packing lol. But, at least now I can do it somewhat at a slower pace. Only somewhat tho, cause the living room looks like the inside of a storage unit right now. Ack. Im so brain dead right now..and sore. Oh, to anyone with previous access to the The Wildwood Cafe and Espresso Shoppe on Delphi....(or anyone who would like access and happens to be OK and knows what OK is...) The Wildwood got a very cool looking face lift. I took Ash and his g/f up on their offer of decorating..and so far, EXCELLENT job. Totally a different look from Borderlands, but very tastefully done. Nice to get away from the constant Black and Red...it suits Draconian HOARDE for obvious reasons. Borderlands predominant colors were also Black and various other colors, but that was due to the fact that at the time it was first created, the options were very few. But now with the Delphi paid account..more options and a much more varied look can be created now. Wildwood is done more earth tones, light greens and grays. Very good soothing look to it, but not all hippie pastel either. So, being brain dead...thats about all I think to add for the moment. I shall update again soon. Current Mood: Exhausted, sore Current Music: Dazed and Confused in the background | ||||
| Wednesday, July 31st, 2002 | |||||
| 3:16 am | Almost done .... We got everything but the kitties over to the house. The move is officially over, all thats left to do is move the cats, clean the old apartment, and unpack and arrange. Yes, Im a day behind schedule. I had to call out of work today to get the rest of it done..but it couldnt be helped. We had some snafus on the actual move. Firstly, the utilities switch over. First thing I had to do was pay the electric bill for Lake Worth. I expected to get my Deposit back. Yeah, I will get it back. In about THREE WEEKS. Fuckers. Last time, I got it back the same day. I was not happy. I had expected to use it for FP&L.; Luckily, I had enough to cover both. FP&L; got taken care of the same day. That being Monday, but FP&L;, as of a quarter to 8 p.m. Tuesday, had yet to turn the power back on. NOT happy bout that...but nothing could be done either. If its not on today, there will be HELL to pay. Then the actual moving. For one thing, dont ever assume that the U-Haul van scale is accurate. I rented the truck that was scaled for a two bedroom apartment. I had a two bedroom apartment. The truck was not even CLOSE to being big enough. We got half the apartment into the truck and realized it was full to capacity Monday. H_3 and 610 didnt make it, H_3 had to do laundry or else run around nekkid, and well, we couldnt have THAT lol, and 610 got stuck at work. K-2 did help tho for a bit before work, and completely unexpectedly, 651 was with him as her car was in the shop, and she helped too. And my bro's roommate was the lifesaver of the week, he and Ash helped me both days moving all the heavy shit. I couldnt have pulled this off without the two of them. We got the first load into the house..and my helpers all mutinied lol. That was okay tho, cause I was exhausted too, and we were all starving. So we went and got dinner, and crashed at bro's. Day two, Tuesday, we got a bit of a late start, but got the rest of the stuff over to the house except for the cats. We recruited H_3 to help us unload the last of the stuff and thank gods he was there tonight cause the rest of us were beat... There was no room to put them anywhere, everything is all over the house in a complete state of utter chaos. EE and I will have a hell of a time getting everything organized. So the cats are still at the old apartment. And I didnt get the chance to clean the old apartment yet either. But the phone DID get switched over, so we should..if things go the way they ought to, be back online by tonight. So I called out of work to get the rest of the stuff done, and a start on the sorting and unpacking. I did have one casualty on the furniture tho. My computer desk fell apart. But tis okay, I have enough other furniture to make do with until I can replace it. To be honest, I doubt we could have fit the thing in anywhere even if it hadnt bit the dust. So a big heartfelt THANK YOU goes out to the following: Ashkalon and Frozenheart (His EQ nick) for the HUGE undertaking they committed two days time to. This couldnt have been done I think, at all, but for the fact both of them were at my beck and call for over a good 16 hours of full moving. To HOARDE_3, K-2 and 651 for their much appreciated help as well. To 610, who I know WOULD have been there if he could have been. To EE for putting up with all of this, and kitty sitting. To my Bro, for letting me crash at his house while my bed was moving locations, use of his pc which is how Ive been keeping tabs on my Delphi forums and updating the lj tonight, and for allowing me the kidnapping and manual slavery of his two roommates for two days. The hardest part is all done now. The rest, just time consuming..but it will get there. Now, Im off to sleep I think. Except for one quick thing.... Nali, Cruccifixio, RavynAngel,CrystalVixen,EE, I send all of you good thoughts, healing energies, and strength. Im thinking of you all...I know you all are going through really rough times right now...seems alot of folks are...but you all especially. Hang in there. This too shall pass. *Hugs* Current Mood: exhaustedCurrent Music: Ashkalon talking to g/f via phone | ||||
| Monday, July 29th, 2002 | |||||
| 2:00 am | Some people really need to grow the fuck up So, I was going to go log into another of my Delphi forums, the HOARDE forum..and when I got there, I saw that apparently ole Soron of Dark Realm has been busy pissing people off again. One of them went into HOARDE and started bitching about him. WHY do these people come to ME? Do I CARE? Not particularly. I had my issue with Soron about two years ago. I called him a spiritual vampire (no insult to anyone considering themselves a vampire intended, its another term for cult leader.) to his internet "face" and walked out of that forum for good. So, it seems we are playing a game of "go fight your internet battles elsewhere" and once again employing the good ole "Chaos Cannon of Internet Doom". Why are these people coming to ME? What am I supposed to do about their problems with Soron? People need to grow the hell up. Leave people to their own devises. Obviously, this isnt a new problem, obviously this has been an ongoing thing. Obviously, one does not need to go to other forums and "advise others of someone's evil-doing" cause obviously, people are STILL figuring that out on their OWN. Ohh Im so annoyed. Dont mind me, Im prolly just bitching cause I want a cigarette. | ||||
| 1:05 am | Moving Day... It has begun. And yes, I could always use extra help...if anyone is inclined. ~grinz~. Ive got K-2 recruited for the morning, and 610 after 4 p.m. Ashkalon has also agreed to recruitment..and Im hoping H_3 will also lend his considerable talents as he has in the past...(pretty please?) Im trying to empty this place by tonight. Then clean it Tuesday. In the meantime, Ive alot to keep me busy as hell. Oh, and if anyone here on lj happens to answer to an email nick of Ronin the Sorcerer, who recently requested permission to enter Borderlands, please speak up. Nobody recognized the nick from Delphi, so we are hazarding the guess that the request came from someone here on lj instead. Permission granted btw. Enjoy. An now..... Im OFF. Current Mood: busyCurrent Music: Stargate playing in the vcr | ||||
| Sunday, July 28th, 2002 | |||||
| 3:33 am | Hey, I like this one.....lol  What's *Your* Sex Sign? Remember, your sex sign has nothing to do with when you were born but instead is derived from your projected sexual peak. Aries, you are headstrong, spoiled, fiery in temperment, and fiercely independent. You always want to be the best anyone's ever had ,and you'll spend all night convincing your lover that you are. Don't worry - you usually are the best anyone has ever had. When you get down, you don't leave out anything. | ||||
| 1:55 am | 3, 2, 1........ The Countdown has begun. I've got the bedroom packed up in boxes, all 'cept the pictures on the wall, and the actual furniture. One more closet and the bathroom..and Im out of boxes again lol. So, the events of the night...a fairly quiet night actually. 660 called out sick, but 652 was back from being sick...and the new 662 pulled a no-call no-show. But not matter, K-3 came in and worked for 660, and 662's hours can be made up tomorrow we hope. Tonight, only one thing really disturbing occurred. 650 who is now 630 (everyone keeping up with the soap opera that is my job, make a note of that lol)and I were talking to 653, my relief for the night, and she was telling us she has a real problem at home with her Mother. Id figured something was up when she was an hour and 15 minutes early for her shift. She told us the details, and 630 and I spent the rest of the time talking her into doing what she needs to do. That is, give her husband permission to throw her Mother out of the house. Her Mother is right up in the same category as my Mother's mother, my grandmother. A real honest to gods Menace to her Daughter. 653's description was way too close for comfort to what my grandmother did to my Mother, and after seeing what happened to my own Mother, I advised 653 to get as far away as possible from this woman, forget the bloodties, this woman is out to do nothing but destroy her daughter and her family. I feel very bad for this girl. I know this cannot be easy for her, but if she doesnt....well, her kids are frightened and miserable. Her Husband has threatened to walk at least five times in three monthes. She is nearly a basket case herself. Her Father, when she called him about it, advised her as we did. Throw her out. I felt wierd giving that kind of advise...but...well, I would hate to see this girl lose her family, and end up in therapy later on in life due to her Mother. Like my Mother. Sometimes, Blood is more dangerous than any Enemy. It's a sad fact, and a sad world, when something like this could occur to anyone. I got lucky. My Mother did not hate me. Neither did my Father. I just had steparents that hated me, and I thought that was horrible. Hell, for me, that was bad enough. Just goes to show you, as bad as you think you had/have it, someone else can have it much worse. Well, enough about that.... What else is going on in my own life... Short of moving..not a damned thing. Oh, cept the Quitting Smoking. Heh. Im trying. I ended up giving in and buying a pack of cigarettes last night. I smoked two before going to bed, and then another four today. Four all day tho, is better than half a pack. So, I think Im going to do that instead of just quitting outright. Four cigarettes per 24 hours. When that gets easy, drop it to 2. Then I can quit outright lol. So, is it bad to not consider one's health a good enough reason to quit smoking? I was considering this today. I decided to quit, and to be honest, I didnt really want to. Im not even sure why Im quitting. I like smoking. I seem to be considerably less of a bitch with a cigarette than without one. I seem more..zen-like lol. People say to me "you should quit, doesnt your health matter to you?" And I think to myself, yes, my health matters, but only to a certain degree. I figure I have to die of SOMETHING. Seems to me that most people die from cigarette smoking about the same time they would from eating too much red meat, saccrine or anything else. Seems to me, it doesnt decrease the human life expectancy all THAT much. Sure, Lung Cancer is prolly a very lousy way of dieing. But, so is any other way of dieing. Name me a way of dieing that ISNT nasty? Another thing that occurred to me...I think Im smoking more from the habit of generally disagreeing with the rest of Society. Back when the Majority seemed to smoke, and it was the Moral Minority who did all the bitching about second-hand smoke etc, I didnt smoke. Everyone I knew smoked. I didnt. Why? Cause everyone was doing it. So then everyone else quit, and the Moral Minority became the health conscious Moral Majority. And I took up smoking. Why? Cause everyone else was quitting. Think it might be a little bit within the realm of possibility that my biggest problem here is, I just might have one hell of a CONTRARY Nature? ~Laughing~ Yeah, me too. Current Mood: Contrarily Amused | ||||
