Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002
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8:37 pm
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the a/c is turned up so high...as to make me feel like i'm already plunging ahead into fall turns-into-winter time. feels heavenly.
i long for the chilly-cold aching limbs of mine to feel alive again in the coldness of the wind. i yearn to pull my beanie down hard over my head, covering my ears...i love the feeling of thrusting palms deep-in-pockets...searching for that miniscule pocket of warmth to keep from going numb.
winter sets me free. i feel like an ice-goddess. my senses feel awakened and extra-sensory...ShARp...euphoric.
______________________________________________
feeling like time is an ever-present noose
around one's neck
each hour tightening...tightening...
until the rope is so
TAUT
one prays for
the floor
beneath
to give WAY
for just a small
bit
of blessed
RELIEF
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_
such is life
so i
hear
current mood:  blank
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
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8:39 pm
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i loathe self-pity.
loathe it.
i swear.
stupid self-pity.
stupid self-freakin'"woe-is-me, i'm so pitiful..."-pity.
ugh.
life.
welcome to it.
sheesh.
RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....
current mood:  irritated
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, July 11th, 2002
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8:09 pm
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so i seem to be only updating like once a month. heh...better than never, i suppose...right?
my fingers are cold right now. my lip hurts. and i'm thirsty...kinda.
whatever. i am bored. kyra is playing with rocks. mook is taking a nap. i am mulling over my near-future plans.
kyra's birthday is august 3rd...she'll be a whopping 9 years old. whew! she's the best EVER. i don't know how or what i'm gonna plan for her birthday. OH YEAH...she needs a bike, cuz her's was stolen a couple of weeks ago. stupid-thieving-jerk-A holes.
i miss u matt. i miss u hayley, too.
i neeeed to not be so stressed about stuff right now. if only "stuff" would just give me a little break...i would be able to breathe. such is life, right?
right.
i heart spongebob. hee hee.
bye now.
now.
current mood: complacent
current music: "courage"
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, June 10th, 2002
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6:57 pm
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i wanna ice-cream dealie. now. i think i have some in the fridge. I do, i do!!!!!!
k. so. i've had some bad vibes over the past ...like, 5 days. NOT good. but...there's hope. the moon's waxing...this is good for positive thinking.
i am trying to look at pretty houses. (pretty to me, anyways) i would like ot try and find out if i can actually live in one. i'm trying. mook's trying. we all are trying, we.
i had a super weeeeird dream last nite. concerning john dillinger. so freaky. he was dead. and bleeding. i wonder how to interpret that. hmmm. i don't know.
so h. I sent you your dealie thru the snail-mail system. have u gotten it yet? let me know when u do, k? i'm going to mail you your x-mas gift i gotcha, too, I think. since its really challenging for us to see each other. i miss u mucho, mucho...
that's all for now. i need to ....UGH. i'm not gonna make THAT list right now. i'm gonna go out on the porch and read. ok. that is all.
current mood:  content
current music: traci + the plastic ... "arcade suicide"
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(comment on this)
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Friday, May 31st, 2002
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7:22 pm - h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h
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what is your address hayley??????????????????????????
your lil' package is R T G !!!
- - -
e o o
a
d
y
=====================================================================================
let me know...
=====================================================================================
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
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8:28 pm - Author unknown; copied from mistybug 's journal page..
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Sad Truth...
"and now a word from our sponsor...
Hi.
First of all, you are fat. You are ugly. Your breath stinks. You are unpopular. Your car sucks. Your house sucks. Your life sucks.
You are not witty. You are not smart. You are ignorant. You are stupid. You will never make it in this world. You are unpopular. You will never amount to anything. You are nothing.
Your diet is poor. You have low self-esteem. You have cellulite. You have ugly toenails. You have blackheads. You have body hair where it just shouldn?t be. Your eyeballs are not white enough. Your teeth are not white enough.
Secondly, you are fat. You should go on a diet. You should eat more hamburgers. Your tits are not big enough. Your tits are too small. Your tits aren?t small enough or big enough. Your dick is too small. Your nose isn?t right. Your ass is too big. You should make yourself sick. You should eat more hamburgers.
Your dress sense sucks. You have no style. You are one of the crowd. You are a follower. You are a freak. You don?t fit in. You are a lah-hoo-ser. You have no charisma. You are not sexy enough. Your favorite band sucks. Your favorite brand sucks. Your clothes suck. Your shoes suck. You are retarded.
You don?t have enough money. You should work harder. You don?t have enough things. You are unhappy. You need more. You are unsatisfied. You are not moving forward. You are not keeping up the pace. You are lagging behind. You are one step behind the rest.
You are doing it all wrong. You need to change. You need to see that change is good. You need to follow us. You need to be individual. You need to fit in. You need to think outside the square. You need to stand out. You need to know the rules. You need to know the secrets. You should be yourself.
Thirdly, you are fat. Your legs wobble too much. Your teeth are crooked. Your face is wrong. You are not thin enough. You are too thin. You need to eat more hamburgers.
You are lactose intolerant. You are iron deficient. Your cholesterol is too high. Your calcium level is too low. Your blood pressure is too high. Your iron level is too low. You need to get liposuction. You need to lose weight. You suffer from premature ejaculation. You are far too dependant on drugs. You need to buy more drugs.
You are bipolar. You have attention deficit hyperactive disorder. You have post-traumatic stress disorder. You suffer from depression. You are manic. You are not happy enough. You suffer from road rage. You suffer split-personality disorders. You suffer marriage problems. You are not right. You need to buy more drugs.
You should stop smoking. You should buy more cigarettes. You should stop smoking. You will get cancer. You will die anyway. You should have fun. You shouldn?t have fun. You should be fashionable. You should keep ahead. You are lagging behind. You should be individual. You shouldn?t care about what you do. You are free. You should go your own way. You should follow us.
You watch too much television. You need to stay tuned. You are fat because you watch too much television. You should watch more television. You should be individual. You are going to be a star one day. You are nothing. You should eat more hamburgers. You should drink more syrup. You are too fat.
You should not be who you are. You have to change.
My name is Marketing.
Now buy my fucking product.
* * *please feel free to spread the anti-marketing campaign by posting this in your journal. I did not write it* * * "
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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7:35 pm
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its me again. sheesh...i have been keeping myself quite busy. i have decided (after careful consideration, and talking w/Kyra), in light of the dysfunctionality in the public school system (in my area),that Kyra will be attending a non-denominational, private school next year. I am so fucking tired of the patriarchal BULLSHIT associated with ANY public, government-funded-supposedly-education-oriented program or facility. I am very proactive in Ky's education, and everytime I want to ask questions, or try to find out about resources that may better help her academically, I run into the "eternally-THERE" brick wall. OH, I'm SORRY!!..I don't consider school a fuckin' daycare...I actually CARE about WHAT your system attempts to shove down my child's throat...EEEEEK!! (<---to borrow your word, hayley...=)
SO...Kyra will not be attending public school next year. So there. The "new school" has an extremely cutting-edge Fine Arts program...as well as ...YAY! Softball! (and other stuff, too...all Ky cares about at this point, as far as sports go, is ...softball) So whatever.
Hayley..I just wanted to thank you...SO MUCH for that thread...Mmm!! Yummy!! You are my goddess, grrlee-grrl!!
Mook has a show sat.night...yes, I KNOW...at fitz'...Ho Hum...supposedly, there will be a larger variety of bands that night...AND its the "Million Marijuana March," or something kin to that. should be fun..or at least interesting.
This grrl (ok..NO! not even. "girl", thru and thru) told me sat.night, that I looked "old." (I recently changed my hair again, and this was her reaction to it. Like I fucking asked her opinion) She also told me the tattoo around my navel was "off-centered." She's the GIRLFRIEND of one of mook's friends (who, by the way, is SOOO awesomely sweet and cool). She's like really insecure and shit...shy and always self-deprecating... to the point of insanity...and she's a constant "poor me" whiner, about our other friends, who have only met her maybe 1 or 2 times. It sux, cuz like, she says "Oh...so and so doesn't like me, I can tell." To which I reply w/ "Geeze, they don't even KNOW you. You've only met them once!" and she'll say "No, its ok...I can tell." And so on, and so forth. Up until the other day, I've tried to like...make her feel better somehow(?), like trying to rub-off some of my confidence onto her or something. After she told me I looked old and dogged my tattoo, I don't think I wanna even try. UGH.
Any thoughts? Under normal circumstances, I'd tell her to yoink off, or say something really smart-ass (which I'm appreciated for...cuz its more funny than mean), but I don't wanna do that to someone who seems to have NOTHING emotionally. It'd probably send her over the edge or something. But whatever. I dunno.
ok...that's it for now...that's what's been up so far. Amounts to a whole bunch of "not a lot." I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette outside on the balcony now. feels good outside. not too hot. Tah for now...
current mood:  weird
current music: i miss music. dammit.
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(comment on this)
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Friday, April 12th, 2002
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2:52 pm
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i'm at work right now. today's been A-ok, so far. can't WAIT for saturday. which is tomorrow, in case ya didn't know. ok..i'm hungry. hmm. so there.
(yawn) <----that was a good one, too! whew!
Ok...hunger pangs cause me to be unable to function properly @ work, dammit. i'm going now.
current mood:  hungry
current music: sledge hammer....peter gabriel
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 10th, 2002
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8:01 pm - long time no see
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hola journal! yessss, i am alive. yay for me! i've been super-busy working and such. no excuse for the huge time lapse, but whatever. take it or leave it, here i am. i have lots to discuss, but my mind's in a fog...not a drug-induced one, mind you...more like an environment-induced fog...oh well.
i bought an awesome book. its called the book of good spells. its so neato. i haven't actually DONE any of them...yet. (hee hee) the basis for the book is a compilation by the author of studies on traditions (and customs) of the "Romanies," or what everyone else calls "gypsies..." Very very cool.
mikey is great. he starts cosmetology classes soon. he's pretty excited, as am i, as is his hair-genius-dressing brother. i'm investigating taking a "distance learning, internet" class through school. this way i can continue to work.
i got a raise. yay! i deserve more...doing what i'm doing. but i AM learning a lot. and no-one treats me like a "lowly-server-person" anymore. its nice. i don't deal w/the public...except the occasional phone call. i have my own business cards! (OH my jeBUS!!!!) its just funny. guess you had to be there.
ok. i will try to not forget to update. bye for now. maybe you could drop me a line. or something. i dunno. whatever.
current mood:  busy
current music: MUSIC!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
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11:29 pm - hee hee...this is me:
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8:15 pm - wednesday 13 feb 2002
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went to see dillinger escape plan on saturday... it was great! they were SO awesome...ugh. got a cool shirt and some buttons. i was sooo tired when i got home. we got there at like 7:30pm...and then unexpectedly got in for *free*..yay! we saw like 5 bands BEFORE dillinger even came on. whew! it was SO worth it!
so we're gonna try and see if we qualify to actually (maybe) buy a house. i doubt we will at this point, but at least we'll know for future reference.
my job. hmm. going A ok.
tried yoga. Mmmm. really liked it. i felt so good all day after doing it. Nat and I did yoga @ her place b4 work. nat rox...! hee.
oh my goodness. i forgot! i actually have a CELL phone. my 1st one EVER. i really don't use it much. just to call mook and kyra. sometimes (since i carpool w/Nat) i'll call them after they drop me off @ her townhouse. hee. they barely pull off when "ring--ring". its me! just callin' to say hi.
oh my, but marcie SO totally rocks. i'm gonna listen to some kinnie s...
current mood:  contemplative
current music: listening to ky-guy cut stuff up and create her own art...
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, January 30th, 2002
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10:57 pm - thursday 31 jan 2002
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Monday, January 21st, 2002
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6:32 pm - monday 21 jan 2002
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i got this neat-O email from matt and hayley ... some survey-dealie...it was pretty cool. (highlight of my day?)
so, i'm looking for new lodgings. lease is up in a couple of months. would heart a house or townhome, something with "outside" area..ie: backyard/patio
but we shall see. i will not stress. looking's fun.
i went to an antique store during lunch today.
found kyra 2 unicorn figurines: one was a tiny little fairie w/a baby uni, and the other was a uni laying down, looking at this cool, serene moon. both were old. i only paid 2 bucks! kyra LOVED them...it was an unexpected yummy surprise.
i heart kyra's heart. and soul. she is so terrifically wonderously soulful.
yoga.
i'm considering taking this.
current mood:  peaceful
current music: "space dog" tori amos
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
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10:18 pm - 12 jan 2002 b-day...me
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10:12 pm - 16 jan 2002
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i heart kyra.
i heart my new job.
i heart my new hair-do.
i don't heart ignorant people. i try to feel bad for them, but it just isn't enough to turn the other cheek sometimes.
my chest hurts. ugh.
my eyes burn.
i feel a low rumble w/in my soul, silently screaming in agony to be let ouT........FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!
ahem. composure=me.
ok, i'm lying. sue me.
current mood: pissed...sad...anxious...ugh
current music: ellis "twisted roads"
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, December 27th, 2001
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6:39 pm
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i'm now into day 4/5 of my new job. it's going well...thanks for asking! i found out today that i'll get $ for xmas and new year's. that'll help...went overboard(as usual) for xmas. kyra got some cool stuff.
anyways. yeah. hmm...so there.
haven't heard much from my chevron people. (except floyd....i heart him) floyd calls and emails like once daily. david got me a cool cigarette case + lighter for me going away. too cool. one of my old customers gave him a windchime for me.
mike's show is at fitz this friday. i opted to work saturday. overtime=yay.
kyra gets to hang out w/me at work.
ok... all done, i guess. more later.
ok. marcie rules. adios.
current mood: blah
current music: "one summer last fall"......jets to brazil
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
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10:19 pm - frontliners suck
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i don't heart frontliners. (frontliners=fake people) they suck. like a lot.
today sucked really a lot. ugh. i cried. don't feel better.
new job tomorrow. sigh.
frontliners i do not heart.
current mood: disappointed
current music: sigh. my own breathing.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 18th, 2001
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10:35 pm
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marcie is just the coolest ever. sigh.
current mood:  dorky
current music: kyra's tori cd...through the wall..hee hee
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(comment on this)
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10:08 pm - my last day.
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how bittersweet. my last day at the coffee bar was today. it was really weird. my tips sucked. it surprised me, actually, but that's ok. i am SO gonna miss my "people". i heart you hayley! i <3 floyd, too. i start my new jobbie Thursday. totally different vibe, different stuff. change is good sometimes--in my case, this is gonna be mucho better. so there. hmm. hey hayley--if you're supposed to wear a "thumb-ring" (ha) then what do i wear? like a "pinky ring" or a "ring" on a necklace??? hee hee hee hee...YEAH.
current mood: thirsty
current music: listening to a feminist piece on PBS...about journalists...
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, December 1st, 2001
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12:09 am - hayley, guess what?
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I got the JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
WooooooHooooooooo!!!!!!!!
current mood: happy
current music: the quiet echoes screaming in my head
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(comment on this)
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exhausted