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mehonestscaredangry [21 Mar 2002|10:59pm] [ mood | infuriated ] [ music | complete stinging slience ] so i am about to blow up my television. i havetohaveto get one of those kill your tv tshirts. i have the button but it just isnt the same. im so irritated tonight. sometimes i dont know if i want history to be my major. maybe english. its scary, bc i have to find something to do with that history degree. i will not, willnot be a high school teacher living in a splitlevel with a husband and kids. i can never do that. i hate that idea. every family i know hates their lives. granted, in different ways, but all forms are substantial. i will not be strangled by children. fuck toysRus and fuck the pta. ooh. fever inspiriation. try to understand: i want to write. i want to live in my apartment in ny. alone. my tiny, dont care how tiny it is apartment and have the time of my fucking life. i want to strike out. i want to not care how much i weigh. i want to travel. i want to know the place i live. know the bed, know the city, know the planet. if/when i marry i want to be sick with love. i want to smile and get chills when i see him. i want to count the minutes till he comes back to me, and likewise, like my grandparents. i dont want the lives of most married people i see who are living together and may be in love, but have lost the lust to love with life. i want absolute mutual infatuation. nothing less. i want someone who can't get enough of me. and i of him. i want to marry i want to die young enough to still be 100% alive seconds before death. i want to wear a skirt and high heels everyday bc they make me feel good. i want to keep my dark hair forever and never go lighter than dark brown. i want to use every bit of my anger. i want to skip graduation. i hate high school. i'm not even there. i want my dad to be proud of me. i want to buy him his cabin upstate so him and my mom can retire there and fall back into real love. and die happy and together. i want john to wake up, use his talents and become famous. i want him to be the happiest man who ever lived. i want all the malls to close. i want all the mcdonalds to close. i want to never kiss another man until i know im crazy about him. i want to say fuck you to regreting all that happened in middle school. i want to say fuck you to worrying about high school. i want to write because i can never say this outloud. how's the weather?

music/loyalty/mtvgeneration/ [21 Mar 2002|02:06pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | lenny kravitz - stillness of heart ] so am divided on subject of band loyalty. is it wrong that i dont want the bands i love to get total, stadium sized fame? ami being possesive and selfish for wanting them to stay local and off of mtv? for example. was just starting to get into both john mayer and dashboard confessional over past few months and now there they are, with videos on mtv. sickening. remember when korn released their issues cd? it was all over the radio and mtv. before issues they were still cultish. they fans hated the act that they were huge and on trl every afternoon. i can understand that. if dispatch ever got really huge, like they were listened to by anyone bc they were a 'cool' band i think i'd lose interest. not that i'd love the music any less, but the spirit would be gone. the last dispatch concert was at roseland and it was full of groos people who knew like one or two of their songs. they were stupid abercrombie and fitch kids that kept yelling 'play the general, dude!' get a clue assholes, you are not welcome. does all that make me a bad fan? phantom planet has been one of matts fav bands for a while now. they're on the radio with california, a song thats a few years old. i like it, but can emphathize with matts laments about the consequences of their getting 'mainstream'. they're playing at the vanderbuilt next friday and we're going, but im siding with matt and hoping they dont turn into sugar ray or blink 182 or something. i started listening to college radio, hofstra's station. i'm waiting for inspiriation form some other band that i can love until they are gracing rolling stone. how's the weather?

[20 Mar 2002|10:15pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | fiona apple - slow like honey ] mmm feel so much better. thanks to the outpouring of affection and concern, love the friends. today was cool. i love when it rains really hard like it did today, so i was in a good mood. not that you care. watched jeopardy tonight. is it wrong that i still think it's the best game show, next to rock&roll; jeopardy? im dangerously addicted. i have to watch it alone bc i yell out the answers and even if there's someone in the room they leave disgusted before double jeopardy starts. was going to go to roosevelt to look at prom dresses, but thought better of going alone bc of recent attacks there at night on girls shopping alone. actually it was my mom. she planted the seed of doubt much in the way of sissy spacek's mother in carrie. 'they're all gonna laugh at you' became 'you'll be attacked' i caved and went to carvel instead. mcken has to volunteer for her english project and im doing it with her. problem is, she wants to work with kids and i hate kids. i'd rather work with animals or homeless people. kids are a pain. she wants to do the make-a-wish foundation. fabulous. let me play with some kid who i may end up getting attached to even though i hate kids, and then let them die. can i do that, please? ooh. that was bad. it makes me sound heartless. im actually not. just, i dont know. she's making the final decision anyway, i'm just along for the ride and the feel-good/help others sensation. come to recent conclusion that i will not indulge in one night stands and hookups, bc they make my heart sore. would it be possible to snip the tiny wire that connects physical pleasure with emotional attachment? boys seem to be born without it, so it cant be completely vital. either way, i have officially decided that i am ready for a boyfriend. you can come out now. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

bitchback/break/carwash/sicksicksick/ [19 Mar 2002|10:23pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | greenday - chump ] so ugh. internet has not been working for i dont know how long but am back with vengance. ugh is in reference to sickness explained later. a few days ago on the news the guy was like 'there's 10 days till easter' and i flipped. hmm. no, i was just severely startled, but i didnt really move. 10 days till easter means 11 days till spring break. i am not ready. but i am so excited. next wednesday will get car washed, inside and out so it can be clean for once. anyone who has ridden in my car, no fuck that, anyone who knows me even remotely knows that my car does not get clean. it just doesn't. so am looking foward to that. i have a coupon and it will only cost me 5 dollars. ooh, do i have to tip the guys? will ask dad. now the sob story. i hate journals that complain about every stupid thing, but have changed my mind and turned hypocritical bc i want this out. we all know about my arthritis, right? yeah the medication i take once a week was just increased fom 6 pills to 8 pills and it's taking a serious toll. the med is a type of chemo but it never made my hair fall out or me violently ill. till now. i take it on sunday nights and when i woke up monday morning the first thing i did was throw up. then lost my balence walking from the living room to the kitchen and fell. i just fell, like some kind of baby that just learned to walk. i realize im writing in my usual sarcastic mannar, but it was bloody scary. i was home alone and felt so afraid, plus i was hurting like a mofo. (another side effct is easy bruising so i look like ales during the first week of wrestling season.) i got up and made it to the couch. then i started to cry. i hate to cry bc i hate feeling like im not in control of myself. but the truth was, i really wasn't in control of myself. i could not walk 10 feet. it was a rough moment. fell asleep on the couch and woke up when john came home. he made me tea and helped me walk around. i cried again, both bc i love my brother so much and bc i was so miserable. he gave me tylenol w/ codine to help. fell asleep again. promised mcken day before i'd go to carvel and visit. probably shouldnt have but hated idea of not leaving house all day. AHH! her uncle got us free dave tix for the 2nd msg day! but back to the drama. got home and matt was waiting for me there. watched movie, matt i didnt tell you how blah i felt bc i didnt want to talk about and i afraid i would cry again. matt drove us around for a little while later, i started feeling better and we went to the supermarket. dear terrance. dear, dear terrance. today was worse. threw up some more and had tutoring for eng/hist. tutor is nicest guy in world and made me go home bc i was not ok. went home, had toast, threw it up. slept till family came home. love family. now an overview. throat is raw, stomach is queasy, eyes are watering, joints are sore and moving slowly, entire body is so tender it hurts to roll over. but, still have all my hair. tomorrow am going to school to with john to speak about being in the fire department. hope will feel better. hate faking ok when not. don't be mad at me for wasting your time so i can complain. 'do you have the time to listen to me whine.' you do, so thanks. how's the weather?

prom/ugly/red/toilet/verbalassualt/swing/mud/ [14 Mar 2002|02:25am] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | will smith - getting jiggy wit it...in support of friends ] so tonight was prom fashion show. wouldn't wear any of the dresses modeled...just ech. they looked ok on everyone else, im just better than they are. i am not kidding. oh, but i liked the chick in the red dress, mainly because im getting a red dress this year. focusing on one color really helps narrow down the task of choosing a prom dress. if i get to the prom and girl that i know could have read this is wearing red, i will put her face in the toilet of those beautiful bathrooms. again, am not kidding. after stopping by carvel to get mckens paycheck and charm trevor (he loves me...he's 33.) we went to the friendlys on hempstead. at the red light on carman, we're sitting next to a car and in it was a boy i went to woodland with, matt wiess i think his name was, doesn't matter, may not have even been him, not point of story. anyway, mcken rolled down her window and motioned for him to do the same. oh no. mck- "hi, um, what do you think of the dave matthews band?" boy - "um, they're ok." mck - "oh, bc we're taking a survey, bc ben and jerry's just came out with a dmb ice cream flavor, they called it one sweet swirled and i work at a carvel so i made my own dave ice cream, i call it the best of what's around, i work at the one down carman avenure, you should stop by and try it some time, its got peanut butter and fudge and all kinds of stuff in it, but, ok , um that's it, ok?" yes, this time, i am kidding. so it was raining today and we havea swing in the backyard. john and the neighbors made up a game. ready? first i sit in the swing. then they push me until im laughing so hard i can't hold on good enough. then they spin me until i start to slide backwards off the swing. then they spin faster. then just my feet are in the swing and the back of my shirt slides up bc its rubbing on the ground. on the mud. then in sheer exhaustion, my head drops into the mud. spinning continues. i am a human mop, trying to mop up mud in a mud pit. i spent an hour in the shower. when i got out they were watching it on tape. turns out they hid the videocamera in the treehouse. i dare you to ask me why i'll never have kids. go ahead. 2 brewing storms| how's the weather?

tvstar/fibro/sleepyboy/cityvs.country [10 Mar 2002|11:13pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | frank sinatra - i've got the world on a string ] so haven't updated since wednesday but i dont care too much and you should care even less. i was on the tv today. the arthritis foundation has an annual telethon and bc i volunteer for them all the time they asked me to be on it. i said sure. i did an interview about my fibromyalgia bc they had a few other people talking about rheumatiod arthritis. fibromyalgia can best be described as a combination of chronic fatigue and the body aches you get when you have the flu real bad. except most of the time i can control it so it's not that bad. it was nerve-racking but fun. they interviewed me along with the doctor i was working with when i was being treated intensively for the fibro, so that made it easier bc i wasn't alone. mcken taped it for me, thx mck. when i got home i called matt to see if he watched it and this is basically how the conversation went: me: hi is matt home? him: hmmmph me: wake up matts father picking up: hello? him: iggaatitmm matts dad hangs up me: did you watch me? matt: what time is it? me:7 30 matt: fuck im late me: where's you going? matt: well, i go to this place called school. me: not on sunday evening you dont. matt: mm...7 30...pm? me: yes. pm. matt: its still sunday? me. yes. sunday. matt: hhahsshhit. then there was more conversation after that but nothing stimulating. you bum. i forgive you bc you were so funny on the phone. tomorrow morning am getting tires fixed bc 2 have slow leaks and am taking my car to jersey. unless you are jen kim or alessia you dont really care though. im really wishing that hunter and city college would send my answers already. am starting to lose it. right, i know i said a few entries back that i would def go to western new england college, but im stradling the fence. at wnec there would be a huge campus life and school would be everything. i hate that idea. hello, i dont even miss being in high school. even though i have the same friends, it feels as if im not in high school anymore. (note to uninformed readers: had to leave hs bc of arthritis and fibro, do home tutoring) i do my own thing, and i dont spend 7 hours a day at school. i enjoy it. granted i do miss being there sometimes, but then i just visit for a few periods and im fine. going to school in the city would mean that i dont have to put up with all that campus life bullshit. no football games im dragged to, no total school pride, no mess. at the most ill just wear a sweatshirt that says hunter college on it. ill have an apartment (yes ill have roommates too but i can deal), ill be able to smoke, drink, do whatever i want in that apartment. and ill be in new york fucking city, my favorite place on earth. next to montauk, but thats besides the point. the more i let my mind wander on it, the more i see myself in the city opposed to a quaint new england town. my mom says im lucky bc the world's at my feet but what she dosent seem to remember is that the arthritis spread to my back and it kills to bend down and pick it up. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

sick/abscess/blowcookies/meds/girls&$ [06 Mar 2002|11:09am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | billy joel - ballad of billy the kid ] so today is wednesday and i am sick as a dog. are dogs always sick? buddy next door is sick, he has an abscess. poor thing. when he gets home form the hosptial i'll let him eat one of my socks. he loves that. back to me though please. one of the arthritis medications im on makes me really sick to my stomach. not always, just one in while. i take it once a week, usually sunday night and i feel sick from tuesday to wednesday. its bad today. im throwing up like nobody's business. i always wanted to say nobody's business. i take it in pill form right now, 8 pills, if you want to know how many exactly. the first time around, like 3 years ago i was on the same medication and the same thing happened so i switched to gving myself weekly injections of the stuff bc then it bypasses your stomach and doen't bother it. am considering going back to injections. is a major pain in the ass though, um, not really there though, in the thigh. it's really hard to hurt yourself, voluntarily at least. will have to wait until next week to see if situation improves or am condemmed to return to needles. 2 good sides of having shot own self up for 3 years: 1- am no longer afraid of needles. 2- will never become a drug addict. unless i snort, of course. am sitting for 2 favorite girls friday night. not really sitting, bc older one is freshman in hs, but staying there bc parents will be out till all hours. happy cause love the girls and love the money. you should really care about stuff like that though. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

help me. please. [05 Mar 2002|03:55am] [ mood | shocked ] [ music | tiffany - could've been ] childhood is over. tiffany is posing for playboy. yes, the i-think-we're-alone-now tiffany. the one with no last name. the mall tour tiffany. its 4 am and i woke up, put on the television and was jolted to adulthood by gideon yago. hmm. there's a fantasy. but back to the important issue at hand. no one is online. i am panicking. its insane. i was always tiffany. when my cousins and i would play, jamie would be kelly from saved by the bell, amanda would be kelly from 90210 and i would be tiffany. there were never any deviations from the set roles. what am i supposed to do with my life. what. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

deposit/glue/wnec/jenny/ring/frito/future/j&m;/compgenius [05 Mar 2002|01:14am] [ mood | thirsty ] [ music | trent reznor & david bowie - i'm afraid of americans ] so mailed the deposit for spring break today. hands were slightly shaking when licking envelope, but not sure whether cause was excitment or from strange taste of glue. (ie: goerge costanza's wife). does it matter which it was? hope excitment. also made reservations for family for open house at western new england. the other day they sent me a letter saying if i haven't already been to an open house i need to get to one, so am going this month, saturday the 23rd. thrilled bc will be able to not only see future home but will be able to stop in conn on way home and visit family there. cousin jenny, aforementioned in the entry with vinny-the-guido got a new car and a new engagment ring i have to see. ha. a new engagment ring. it is her first. speaking of vinny-the-guido, he will now and forever after be referred to as frito-lay. what a bastard. go work for a potato chip company for the rest of your life and talk to me when...um, no, don't talk to me. ever. just rubbed my eyes and now have eyeliner and mascara smeared around in way of raccoon. like the look, but it's too much for the public to handle, at least this early. remember i said this because sometime in the near future, females will no longer have to worry about messing up eyemake-up and wondering when to reapply bc it looks so damn good after you just wake up. now to things that happen outside my dreams... there stands a possibility that jenny and her fiance mark will be able to spend the weekend on the island. am wishing and hoping bc, here i am sounding redundant, but need to see both car and ring. and jenny and mark. and they need to see the beach. ohoh jen's dropping math so now she can do lunch with me and mcken on thursdays. ecstatic, however one problem exists. jen dosen't like blts. dear readers that is epic. mck and i have decided to be benevolent and let her in regardless. she better watch it though, one tuna salad or equally foul-smelling meal and she's out. hear that jen? you've been warned. so after posting this entry will attempt to send jenny an invite so she can make a livejournal. hope i can figure this out on my own. hmm. is it wise to call and wake up matt? even in this most dire of circumstances? (it's 1:30 AM). fuck and fuck; i'll figure it out myself. wishluck. how's the weather?

november/scarf/piercings/prom/graduation/fuckit [03 Mar 2002|03:57pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | crosby, stills, nash & young - four dead on ohio ] so am crazy bored. is sunday afternoon and raining. yesterday mcken mde me watch sweet november and i loved her scarfs so decided that i would make my own. that evening mom, who is queen of quilting, needlepointing and crocheting, taught me how. am now making myself a scarf. loveit, but will most likely get bored with it in a few weeks. moving on. made spring break reservations on phne friday. mucho-exciting. we're all getting piercing out there. kim wants her tounge, jen wants her belly button, ales wants cartiliage and i am undecid as of yet but will most likely go with a cartillage and a few down both ears. lasting souviners. am debating on what to do regarding several points. first, prom. if i dont have a date i will not go and just do afterprom partying. however will miss getting a dress A LOT. its slightly heartbreaking. there are just no possibilities at school and dont feeing like wasting $ to take someone outside of. hmm. maybe, maybe, if i don't go to prom io can get something special from parents, like, um, a trip somewhere. will have to start laying on guilt immediately. then there's graduation. do i really have to go? i skipped the middle school one and i found out later they said my name and there was a pause bc no one got up. loveit. but reasons for not going to graduation extend further than making a statement. already feel so detached from high school. don't exactly mind either. merits further consideration. hmm. just reread previous paragraphs. sound a little high and mighty. not intended at all. its not as if i feel like im above everyone else, its more of a an isolated feelng. not a bad one though. fuck and fuck. i cant wait till life starts. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

blah/blts/dames/virgins/jenny/guido/oohoohjustintime!! [28 Feb 2002|10:22pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | bob marley - get up stand up ] so tonight it feels like there are 400 lbs on each shoulder. dont know why. am not pmsing. just blah. hate blah. somuchsomuch. will go watch reefer madness when finished. borrowed from matt like 2 months ago but have yet to watch. so today was thursday, meaning blts at diner with mcken. was uneventful, compared with lunches lately. was nice to get back to normal. had an irish waiter. he was old and great. i said old and great. anyway, he called us dames. 'anything for the dames!' was exciting. filled out fafsa forms online, so feels good to have that done with. now just have to finish up scholarship stuff. what a boring entry. im slightly ashamed. if this is your cherry-popping, please take the time to read some of the others to see i can write brilliantly. hmm. is that spelled right? doubtful. talked to jenny today. jenny is my cousin that lives in conn who i love. she's a year older than me and my closest relative, john exempt. so me, jenny, and the rest of my family went camping at this place called strawberry park like 4 years ago and jenny met this guy, vinny, who happened to live not far from me. he was a total guido, the kind that make you embarrassed to be from long island. so speed up to 4 years later and jenny is engaged. to a marine. (sighh) and who does she get a letter from? mr. paison himself. and then he calls her. and then he calls her again. and again. and friends, my cousin jenny is a nice girl. she is not mean to people. even when she should be. even when some guy wont leave her alone reagardless of the fact that she told him she is engaged. to be married. to a marine. that is a trained killer. this is why i love her. lets continue though. so now i get to take over where my sweet cousin left off. if it ends up really good, i'll post it, i promise. AHHH! 2 seconds after i finished this he came on and i sprung into action. lookit lookit: SunFier17: listen i have to talk to you BuffVin20: ok SunFier17: i know you have been trying to talk to jenny lately becasue she told me about it BuffVin20: oh yea SunFier17: yeah, you have to understand thats she's engaged and you guys met 4 years ago BuffVin20: yea i know that BuffVin20: we talked about it the other night SunFier17: so you know you guys cant talk anymore? BuffVin20: it was 3 years ago BuffVin20: who said that? BuffVin20: what jen doesn't wanna talk anymore SunFier17: she's been trying to tell you that, but's she dosen't want to be mean SunFier17: if her fiance found out it would be really bad BuffVin20: no i understand that BuffVin20: but i meant that she doesn't wanna talk to me at all BuffVin20: like online BuffVin20: yea her boyfriend is in the marines and i dunno why they are engaged BuffVin20: she hardly sees the kid SunFier17: actually she sees his all the time. BuffVin20: no she doesn't SunFier17: he gets off most weekends BuffVin20: she told me once in a while he comes in BuffVin20: and i heard that the kid is a herb BuffVin20: i was talking to her sister SunFier17: you need to leave her alone BuffVin20: aight whatever SunFier17: she has her own friends, she getting married and theres not excuse for you to keep bothering her like this BuffVin20: i didn't bother her i just talked to her that's all BuffVin20: this is stupid for gettin this issue into a whole big thing SunFier17: theres no reason for you to talk to her, you hardly know her and you'll never see her again. SunFier17: you had to write her a letter and start it again BuffVin20: actually i was gonna go see her BuffVin20: because i have my own car now BuffVin20: but she said no BuffVin20: so i ain't gonna go SunFier17: thast good BuffVin20: she was the one who stopped writing to me and stuff like that SunFier17: right, because she moved on BuffVin20: i did too SunFier17: then why did you write her again and why are you calling her? BuffVin20: just to talk BuffVin20: what is wrong with that? SunFier17: its wrong becasue she dosne't want to hear from you but it too nice to say so. SunFier17: she has her own life and her own friends BuffVin20: aight so then forget it i won't talk to her no more SunFier17: thats good BuffVin20: because she is engaged at the age of 19 SunFier17: are you jealous or something? BuffVin20: how stupid can you be BuffVin20: u mean she doesn't wanna talk online either? SunFier17: she said you could say hello if wanted to, but dont expect anything else BuffVin20: ok SunFier17: think about it this way, how would you feel if your some guy who barely knows her kept calling your fiance? you'd be pissed right? BuffVin20: no BuffVin20: i know her BuffVin20: and she knows me SunFier17: barely BuffVin20: no trust maybe to her BuffVin20: but not to me SunFier17: you need to forget about her, she's past that now BuffVin20: ok i will SunFier17: thanks, she'll appreciate it BuffVin20: whateva BuffVin20 signed off at 11:24:59 PM. whateva...i love people that ghettoize the english language. its really not all this interesting but nevertheless its posted for all to see. bless the internet. 3 brewing storms| how's the weather?

break/50scars/sex/380/a&f;/giantess/changes/icedtea/vodka [25 Feb 2002|11:07pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | nash - change the world ] so we're getting the plans together for spring break and im having trouble controlling my excitment. its oozing out onto the floor. the hotel we have, the starlux is 50s themed and i just looked at pictures...awesome. it reminds me of the cars melissa digs; she would love this place, i should tell her about it. everything is all doowop and rockabilly, loveit. am still tackling process of watching entire first season of sex and the city. got it from blockbuster sunday night and still have 5 more episodes to go. the whole thing is 380 minutes long. on 2 dvds. am overwhelmed by staggering amounts of sex, martinis and manolo blahnik stilettos. mmm...so abercrombie and fitch, where i try to never ever shop in has these shirts that say 'flirt like crazy and wake up sandy' or something on the front and 'spring break 2002' on the back. we're all getting them. insanity at every turn. have essay due tomorrow. reding gulliver's travels and topic is 'if you were a giant in a faraway land what would you do?' gave matt topic and received following answer. VrbalKint5: squashy! some things will never change. regarding that sentiment, do we want them to? is life becoming a period where we sit and wait for the next change to envelop us? starting school? puberty? college? the workforce? marriage? kids? (although not in my case, of course) is your life lived day by day or are you simply stationary, waiting for the next change? i need an iced tea. a spiked one. everyone went to bed, im making myself a long island iced tea. i bloody earned it washing the hardwood in the living room today only to have next door's dog smear it with mud and saliva. still love next door's dog, but think love long island iced teas a bit more. how's the weather?

fakejournal/vampire/bradtom/beachfuture/geronimo [24 Feb 2002|12:31pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | stevie wonder - superstitious ] so sort of hate this bc i can't really use this as a journal bc of the fact its broadcasted over the internet for all to see. that being so, i could not talk about things like guys or friends that bother me. ill manage somehow. last night saw queen of the dammned with kim. i reafd all of the vampire books, so was expecting a completel story. oh, remember interview with a vampire? with brad and tom? yeah that was the first book, then there was the vampire lestat and the third book was queen of the dammned. sat down at beginning wondering how they were going to tell the story while skipping a book, but gave them the benefit of the doubt and remained patient. ugh. they combined parts of the two books, changed everything around, took out major parts and wrote brad pitt's louis character out. you do not write brad pitt out, you don't. right, and aaliayah(?) was in it too. so i know she died and its sad but that does not make her a good actress. maybe i should watch romeo must die and get a idea. kim liked it but the girl just doen't know better. kidding kim. survey says: hollywood took what could have been an awesome trilogy with brad and tom, (and antonio, but who cares about him?) that was plesantly devoid of loud background music and had quality acting and turned it into a run on the mill,seen it all before, churn another one out to make money, teen vampire movie. moving on. am working on the grant application wnec sent me. love that i know where ill be in 7 months. shit 7 months is so short. is starting to hit me that this is it. at beach with mcken the other day had talk about life and college and growing up that can be sumerized with "see this line in the sand? thats the edge. and this is us, leaning over it. about to jump. can we jump? we don't really have a choice. i can't wait to jump." 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

wanna to take this outside or are ya yella? [20 Feb 2002|06:48pm] [ mood | annoyed ] quick sidenote to people who read this, don't know me well and IM me in response to my writing. it was cigarettes we were smoking, i dont care what you believe the purpose of weed is, and my taste in music kicks your ass. and i know who you are hotstuff. nice oldsmobile. how's the weather?

fuckdirections/cbgb/starstruck/cabs/inhale/temptationx2 [19 Feb 2002|01:21am] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | sublime - badfish ] so tonight was mds' big audition show at cbgb. before i get into the story, lets congratulate me on finding the bloody place. usually matt does directions when we're citycombing and i handle island navigation. i was feeling the pressure, but fear not i delivered. and, dave woda asked like 40 people, most of whom lied to us. so we get inside and meet kim, ale, krissy, mike, lauren and i think that was it, forgive me if you were forgotten. the bathrooms lived up to their legendary status. i am pround to say i joined the tradition of fnding new ways of staying clean using them. don't i get a badge, or at least a pin? sitting down, looking at the stage i had a special moment, realizing that blondie, talking heads and the ramones all got their start on that piece of plywood-over-something. enthralled readers, i was getting chills. it was beautiful. filthy and grimy, but gorgeous. less than half reading this will understand what i mean. the history of the place, the genuis' it produced, incredible. oh, am also proud to say that i knew a guy who played at cbgb. mds rocked the place out. rocked it out. smashing guys. so it was me, mcken, jen, chris and dave. we had a great time finding it and a better time afterward bc we knew where we were going. took 2 cabs back to penn. had a great time just getting cabs. it really doesn't take much to entertain us, oui? got back slightly after 12 and stopped by dave's house. anthony was there. hmm. will have to work on that. ugh. i reek of smoke. while roaming ny dave chris and i taught mcken and jen how to smoke. they did good. love that jen can get cigarettes super cheap for me at work, but hate it bc that means ill be tempted more. well. will have to work on that too. looks like i have a lot of work to do. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

quiz/party/drunk/friends/springbreak/bonjovi [18 Feb 2002|01:37am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | cindi lauper - girls just wanna have fun ] so be forewarned this may be a long entry. right, lets start with the qizzes. looked at laurens journal and snatched up her quizzes and clicked away. the following is what came out. i knew that already. moving on please. actually, i got bored halfway through one of the other ones so maybe this won't be so long after all. got back from conn tonight, then went to carvel, which was just closing. picked up mcken and went to party at matt rehmans. good kid, that matt. jen was drunk and i love jen drunk. she is the best drunk i have ever seen. she does no harm to anyone and laughs and laughs and laughs and then sighs, says she loves her friends and starts laughing again. jens also one of the best people i know sober. wish i could be like her and not hate, but i do. shes too good for everyone. oh wait, that sounds like im being sarcastic and calling her conceited but im not. i was worse to the person she should have clawed. not that im apoligzing. at all. in any way. love my friends, soso much. are always there for good time and/or good cry. fuck people who dont like them for judgemental reasons. fuck them because they're missing out. cant wait till spring break. am losing control of my excitment, soon it will completely overwhelm. will have to keep an eye on that. just like bon jovi told us first...jersey rocks. oh, no, they just named an album 'jersey' but the sentiment remains the same. sidenote that you dont care about: love my conn family and wish could have hung out with them more. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

i can see the future [15 Feb 2002|06:55pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | dixie chicks - wide open spaces ] so lets recap. the other day matt wanted a haircut. we were driving and he said, "want to give me a mohawk?" i said," want me to?" and it was begun. went back to my house, tossed a sheet on the kitchen, a chair on top of that, popped in dispatch and got to work. The end result? a conservatively sculpted mohawk, befitting our dear boy. st. vals dinner with the girls was really fun, except that...ok let me pose a question. if you say "sarah we're going to humnaanm for dinner be there at 7 45" where would you go? what about if you said to be sure, "Kim, you mean hunan dynasty?" and she said "yeah thats it" right. so there i am, sitting in the car for an hour wondering what went wrong in the complex world of communications. so out of the car i go and call mckens phone. "Sar! where the hell are you?" "mcken, im on hempstead turnpike at hunan dynasty...where are you assholes?" "Um, sar, we're on hempstead turnpike at hunaM resturant." bloodyhell, you really done understand how bad it actually was. oh, by the way, i got into western new england and now my future is planned. i am elated. i could fly if i tried. i might not try though. yahoooo. 2 brewing storms| how's the weather?

hair/lubricatedcondoms/handyme/fd/learntowritecoherently [12 Feb 2002|09:20pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | alanis morissette - hands clean ] so haven't updated in a few days, but you dont care little and i care even less. cut my hair again, shorter. its slightly longer than chin length. love it. love that in picturesless than a month ago had long light brown hair and now have darkdark brown short hair. being a girl can be fun somtimes. try it, i dare you. looking back, a whole mess of funny and interesting events have occured and each time i was set on updating in a clever manner. as this busy girl never got around to it, you will just have to make due using your imagination. oh yesterday mcken came over bc she was in the neghborhood, aka the library and we were in my room, which i just cleaned out. by the way, the final count was 7 full garbage bags. and to think i do this usually once a year and get around the same number. insanity. anyway, as we were playing around with stuff i forgot i had, we came across a package of flavored condoms. hmm. don't tell me you've never been curious to see just how flavored they really are. lets create a picture, (see the scene!!) mcken just took a lick and according to her the flavor is not so appealing. i couldn't help it, i took a little taste, and determined that the flavor was nothing close to strawberry. also, i would not touch them bc they were lubricated and didnt want to have lubed hands for the rest of the day. mckenna took no such precaution. think on that, then add a steering wheel into the mix. the gravitron ride at carnivals had nothing on the minivan that day. i bought an exercise bike today. its not really a bike, its slightly mutated. with help from a scowling father and and condesending mcken, it was assembled. exciting times. had the company meeting tonight. no one showed, then slowly dribbled in as the meeting was ending. all forgiven however. the boys, specifically ryan and arthur made it clear to all they liked my haircut. sweet boys. lets end with some advice to writers. its fucking impossible to read someting when there are no paragraphs. insane. take a second and hit enter, thats all it takes. i had to X out of 4 different journals out of frustration from lack of breathing room. paragraphs are your fucking friend. go get your ashes tomorrow! ash wednesday! 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

soso/meltnmold/spit/candles/park/car/dad/loveit [08 Feb 2002|03:20pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | pearl jam - elderly women behind the counter in a small town ] so matt says it was stupid i started every entry with so. said in not so many words, but felt he meant it. does it bother you too? i honestly havent noticed it until looked back and realized that he was right. last night picked up matt and went to pearl to visit melissa. do you know she has her own work station? that is so cool. she showed me all these cool things, like pretty paper which i have to do something with, and soon. also, they have this plastic you melt and then mold. think of those possibilities. when we left we decided to leave her a note then decided to leave separate respective notes. matt wrote one word and stuck it on the window with spit. i was writing a very sweet note but she came out before it was done. then when matt handed her my note, she crumpled it up. unintentionally no doubt. back at my house we wanted toasted marshmallows. but dont have a fireplace. noo problem, we have candles. lots of them. john, matt and i each had our own candle and a fork and a marshmallow. it actually worked. highly recommended for rainy day fun. am taking john to park now. the plan is to leave a bunch of notes on dad's car. he loves when we do that. john's bringing the football and im bringing food water and blankets. hmmloveoutside. 1 brewing storm| how's the weather?

pizzaglom/bodyswitch/kitchen/prom [07 Feb 2002|06:39pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | led zepplin - houses of the holy ] so had pizza hut for dinner and now feel not only like i swallowed two 8 lb weights, but also feel as if same weights are now visable on my body. know that commercial where the girl walks by with cinnimmon buns for her buns? like that. ugh. and was doing so good for long time. could've made chicken, should've made chicken. john eats 4 times as much as me at every meal, has a doritos bag permanently attached to his hand and is a feather. He wants to be bigger. why cant we switch. im wallowing right now, feel free to skip, as quite disstressing, i know. washed kitchen floor today, made me feel better bc i haven't done it almost a week, it was getting out of control. then got overzealous and murphy's oil soap-ed the living room (hardwood floor) parents wandered in, dropped their bags, jackets and briefcases all over and said. 'whats that smell?' i said 'mom, please hang up you coat.' and 'dad, you left your shoes in the middle of the hallway, c'mon.' why is everyone so worried about prom already...should i be? people have dresses, dates, shoes, bloodyhell. some comfort please. how's the weather?

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