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chris.murder

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[21 Apr 2002|12:18pm]
[ mood | sore ]

body aches from the show last night... my elbow's a bit fucked up. they rescheduled at the last minute and started earlier, so i missed the hope conspiracy and unearth, two of the three bands i wanted to see. converge was brutal, hence the pain right now. hatebreed can suck a big homophobic cock. it was a video shoot for their new single, and they had to play it and synch with it like 4 times. there was a big crane for a camera and stuff, and insane amounts of light. fuck that... oh, and it was seventeen dollars, they decided to jack up the price the day of the event. fuck the worcester palladium.

work today, tomorrow, tuesday. i have wednesday and thursday off. rocking out to the dillinger escape plan/nora/from autumn to ashes on thursday night. a far better show than last night, i can already tell...

i can't write for shit right now, too fucked from last night... maybe later...

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somewhat ironic [18 Apr 2002|10:02pm]
my friends that are always around - my roommates and such - never want to go out or do anything. they're fucking boring...

my friends that like to go out and have fun are always too busy for me, or just forget that i'm around.

i need new people. fuck this...
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money, fire, and i spared you the emo-ness of this morning... [13 Apr 2002|09:26am]
[ mood | tired, rotten, sore ]

work all weekend... nine hours today, six tomorrow, early tomorrow, don't know if i'll make this show in boston. i'd hate to miss it, i've only hung out with kari once. it all depends on my level of energy when i get out of work tonight at 7. damn, my next day off isn't til wednesday. my last day off was wednesday. yeah, money...

i did get 4/20 off for the converge/unearth/four-twenty fest in worcester. rock.

some shit blew up and caught fire on the bridge yesterday, including all sorts of transformers and cables and such. the result was no phone, cable (internet too), or even operable atm's for miles and miles. it was ridiculous. smoke was billowing from the bridge and crawling up the river. it was freaky, or so i heard, i was at work most of the time...

no clue how i was going to end this entry. poster's block of something...

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in the corner where the spiders crawl [11 Apr 2002|02:44pm]
[ mood | confused, bit of fear... alone. ]
[ music | pg.99 - "the hollowed out chest of a dead horse" ]

she looks down through me, i can make out her shape
the silhouette of arms and legs crossed
eyes back, she's spilling on me

another day... wake up, sit around, read, write, watch, talk. rehydrate my body after a night of drinking. temporarily relieve sexual frustration. wonder, wish, want. check the mail, be disappointed. go to work... then who knows what might happen. it could be another day, maybe it won't be. maybe i'll get seriously injured. maybe i won't even make it to work. maybe i'll meet somebody that'll change my life. nah...

trying to figure out school is a bitch, especially when you don't have much input from your family. most people i know had their parents, teachers, and guidance counselors to push them a little bit. i have to figure it out on my own, it's really confusing, especially all the financial aid junk. i could go to school here for half off tuition, though, and i'd be a fool to pass that up... but do i really want to stay here?

questions, too many of them...

time to vent a little bit by pounding on my drums. yee haw.

2 comments|post comment

[07 Apr 2002|01:44pm]
[ mood | refreshed, lots of sleep. ]
[ music | panic, "dying for it" ]

going to see the folks tonight, have dinner... home-cooked goodness. plus, i get to see my dogs. dags... ya like dags?

intense night of drinking, weed, and opium. opium was the new thing for me. it smells nice. yeah, i'm still the drinker, though... a few kids came over. that's the way it always goes, it seems, kids come here. there's nowhere else to go, really...

things will get a wee bit more interesting on the week of the 14th... going to visit my friend carrie in connecticut, maybe, sometime... on the 19th, a friend from work is moving into his new place and wants me to come have a few to drink. on the 20th, there's a show in worcester with converge, unearth, and the hope conspiracy. so yeah, interesting week, maybe...

my tax return is coming, and it's more than i expected. the irs wrote me, "oh btw you and your dad fucked up a little bit and we figured you're getting $140 more than you expected." fantastic! $760, that will be a good boost to my savings, and hopefully allow me a small bit of travel (though not very far and not sure where yet).

i think i'm going to go buy a new mouse, and a couple slayer cds... plus i need to replace my copies of tool's "undertown" and ministry's "psalm 69." argh, i never lose cds, and that sucks... oh well. i need new shoes too, and short socks for the warmer weather of spring (meanwhile i'm shivering right now, hmmm).

jim's getting amber to come over sometime soon. amber was a rather cool girl that used to hang out over at my house (before i moved) this past summer. her and i ate shrooms together once, she's a really good girl... but jim's intentions are simply to fuck her, and he probably will get to. she's not a slut, but he'll get her all stoned and drunk and yeah... jim, the scumbag, will once again get in the pants of a pretty girl, and i'll have my computer and books and cds. must be nice to be a scumbag...

violent coughing this morning... or just right now. they offered me to smoke some more opium but i was all set with that...

time to do things. things will get done before i come home and lay around and read the rest of "the acid house" and stuff... bye.

2 comments|post comment

the rain fell and made me bleed [03 Apr 2002|06:45pm]
today went from beautiful to terrible, not so much having to do with the weather, but more with my brain. once the warmth went away, misanthropy day started.

post a nice response or die.
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she tastes just like candy... ugh. [03 Apr 2002|01:39pm]
[ mood | hungry, rather bored ]
[ music | del's "no need for alarm" ]

it's sad that i have minimal friends around on my days off. it's pretty nice out, though it feels like it's going to rain. i'd be down with going to the park with a boombox, some death metal, and smoking a bowl or two... oh well, maybe this summer...

buffalo wings ease my pain.

i have "candy" by foxy brown stuck in my head... no good...

notice my new journal posting strategy? it's pretty random. i suppose i could write a paragraph for each little item, but i'd probably seem more boring that way. the only kid i know who could pull that off would be wayne... hey wayne, give me a big long paragraph about the beauty of buffalo wings...

need new music... shouldn't spend the money... rotten addictions. i'm still in a multi-year withdrawl from my other addiction, and i probably won't write about it much anymore since i think everything that can be said, has been said.

time to go read some irvine welsch on the porch...

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[02 Apr 2002|11:13am]
time to lighten up on the drinking... it's taking that usual toll... achey, sickly, tired, etc.

they brought back spicey crispy strips at kfc. rock.

wow, that commercial had a ton of ass in it. i'm probably the only guy on earth who gets annoyed by the ridiculous amount of sex in the media, but we all know i'm a geek like that. call it unplanned and unwanted celibacy or something...

fuck priority mail. my dead low tide 7" still isn't here... slackers.

got some semi-real hours at work this week, over 40... still will barely break $300. where are all the real jobs for minimally-skilled losers?
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[31 Mar 2002|11:55am]
my roommates are hooked on shat. "she's got no ass" just stopped blaring out of brandon's bedroom, and it didn't take long for "tit fuck" to start.

it's days like this when i know there's still hope in the world.
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[27 Mar 2002|04:14pm]
i fantasize about being the only person in the world. maybe i just wake up and nobody else is around, all their cars stopped with the key still in the ignition. i'd travel from town to town exhausting the resources, all the while taking the time to listen to every album, read every book, see every film, and learn evey subject i've wanted to learn.

i often think about this when i'm driving, so on one hand maybe it's my repressed desires to take in everything i can before i die - but on the other hand, maybe i just want to be able to drive on the highway really fucking fast.

it's both, i think.
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[22 Mar 2002|07:15pm]
[ mood | crushed, depressed, hurt ]

the last twenty-four hours have not been kind. last night i vomitted through my nose for the first time and was sick for a half hour, after literally choking on a bong hit. i was gasping for breath so hard i thought i was never going to breathe again. i wanted to die so much... i'm never smoking again, it was that bad.

then i get up early and i hear one of the most crushing things i've ever heard...

i almost bought a razor blade tonight after work, but i just bought beer instead...

5 comments|post comment

[19 Mar 2002|11:42pm]
[ music | botch - thank god for worker bees ]



i watched bloodsport tonight... bolo is a fucking geek. van damme, too. they should both fight...


THE AXE MURDERER!!

it's been a weird hour, man, don't ask...

9 comments|post comment

[16 Mar 2002|02:30pm]
[ mood | not sure... ]
[ music | pg.99 - we left as skeletons ]

just back from a haircut and a stop by sullivan tire. the lady who cut my hair did a good job, i used to get her a lot back in the day before i started getting another girl. this lady has crazy red hair and really big boobs. big boobs just make a quick trim all the better. then i went over to the tire place to drop off one of the tires i replaced the other day... thing caught a screw in it and went flat, so they're going to plug it up.

last night was pretty good, up til i got home. brandon and i went for kfc, and ended up with somebody else's order - a much bigger order. the kid at the window was all confused and weird and while he was trying to figure out whether we deserved the drinks we asked for (our real order came with them), we figured out that instead of two shitty little meals, we had an eight-piece meal with two large sides. the kid mumbled, "uh, i think i gave you guys the wrong order" and i yelled at brandon to take off, and we did just that in a very comical manner. we paid $9.81 for what usually costs $17.89 or so. a riot, for sure...

(sad that i can write that much over a minor stop to kentucky fried chicken, with it being a highlight of my night, i need to get out of here...)

a bit after 8, we went to nashua for a show. it was a pretty dismal scene - a rather large bar full of redneck rockers, white trash, some bikers, and crazy bar sluts. the first band was called suicide contest. seen them before, and they're no better. total shit. this one bitch bartender wouldn't even look at me while i was waiting for a beer, i'm guessing she thought i was underage. funny, since it was a 21+ show. eventually i moved to the other side and immediately got a shitty coors light, being too poor for good beer. the second band, comadose, was absolutely pathetic. hey boys, rap-core was the mold to fit four years ago! you should be emulating the strokes or something now! pathetic. i'm pretty sure the geeks saw me in the back, physically mocking them in several manners (playing air-turntables, immitating the bassits' i-wanna-be-in-korn-hunchoverandplaymyguitar, etc.). they gave me all sorts of dirty looks the rest of the night. that, or maybe they remember me from a few shows back in the day... the kids in that band used to jump around like retards, bouncing off the pit. i started using a technique i call "kick a retard." it's not a rare move. keep your eye on the geek, get ready for him to run into you. keep your fist out like normal, but as he approaches, quickly pull your fist back and give a good, strong kick. with any luck, all his bodily force will project him stomach/side/chest/back-first into your foot. that will usually keep them away for the rest of the night, though you may need to do it a couple times (which is just more fun, in my eyes). i used to kick those geeks all the time, and then they saw me laughing at them playing a dive in nashua, nh. ah, it felt good...

scissorfight took the stage after those mutants. the roaring beast from the granite state started eating motherfuckers left and right. they played mostly newer stuff, but threw in a few classics, much to my delight. there were a few kids from back in the day, dancing and such, but for the most part it was goons and meatheads pushing and shoving each other. i avoided most of it, until some vile fuck behind me thought it'd be fun to push me in. i stumbled forward and quickly caught an ellbow right in the eye. i turned around and told the guy to fuck right off, he was some wormy looking idiot, and he probably thought he was going to die right then. some other retard was bouncing all over, this bastard in a grey hoodie, rocking the white boy dreads (so fucking lame). he was a pest all night, so when he started hitting the wall near where i was standing, i advanced and applied the "kick a retard" technique. a few kicks, and some other kid telling him to fuck off, and he was gone. nice... scissorfight finished their set without playing "supervirgin vs death machine," but it was all good. tree came on after, but the crowd dispersed and the morons that remained weren't worth our time. we took off. a few beers, one great rock band, a ton of rap-core-idiot mocking, a few hot sluts, and it was a good night. oh, and this little blond thing was there with her boy, and she couldn't keep her eyes off me. i even caught her looking at the mirrored wall, gawking at me indirectly so her guy wouldn't notice. i hope she fucked him thinking about me, hahaha...

so yeah, last night was pretty good for a while. then i got home, drank some more... and things got bad. i don't feel like going into details, but i went to bed empty-hearted and incredibly sad. yeah... oh well...

not much planned for tonight. probably just sit here and drink most of the time. already went and picked up my tire, fuckers raped me of twenty dollars for a plug... sick. yeah... that's it. lots of drinking, some fun, and lots of dark thinking before i pass out (probably). it should be good, at least for a while. when it starts getting really bad, maybe i'll just go to bed, so i don't have to think at all. oh well... guess i'll find out as the night progresses.

time to go change that tire and start drinking... later...

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[13 Mar 2002|02:57pm]
i'm going to attack that idiot from the goo goo dolls and shave off his pretty-boy-alternative-band haircut. motherfucker...

the beer's been flowing intensely. shit, evan and maybe wayne will be back soon... definitely evan. the little jewish kid needs to drink mad wine over here. or whiskey. whatever.

i don't write much anymore because i have little to nothing to say. things really aren't all that exciting in the apartment, aside from the occasional drunken episode... oh shit, yeah, the other day jim got belligerent for the first time in quite a while... it pissed us off so we sent him upstairs to his apartment, and later he was back down wanting to fight with pete (a friend of ours). pete used to get beat up on by jim (friendly-like) back in the day so he was down, now that he's huge, plus had the sober advantage. it was a quick wrestling match, and pete left with jim still on the ground. turns out the big dumb alcoholic severely dislocated his shoulder. kid can't work for three weeks. yay, he'll be around here all the time to annoy me! great. at least he's spending a few days at his parents' house... a little bit of calm over here, it's nice.

started back at the job i had before i left goffstown. sully's, small market, i work the deli yet again. it's okay, soul-draining as it may be, it pays. pretty well, i think... i actually don't know what i started at, but when i left before, i was making $7.50 (which isn't all that much but for a small market, it's decent). oh, and i bought some badass new clothes for it. rockin' the black shirt and white tie most of the time, already got zillions of compliments. almost never get compliments on my clothing, aside from kids digging my black murder city shirt... ah fuck, my dead low tide shirt came today, fantastic!

time for some errands. put some bills in the mail, send some cash out for a dead low tide 7" (so kindly procured for me by a west coast rocker friend). can't wait to hear that shit... bolwing tonight, and i will drown in lager.

-c-
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[09 Mar 2002|03:16am]
i went to the middle east in cambridge tonight... was supposed to meet up with some online kids for a big get-together, but i guess they didn't show, or just hid in the club and took some back exit i don't know about. so yeah... feeling pretty dissed tonight. nothing like wandering around a packed club alone, looking for a couple familiar faces... then standing outside for 40 minutes waiting through the fucking encore and still not seeing them exit, even when the place is seemingly empty.

yeah... dissed...
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[07 Mar 2002|12:21pm]
[ mood | rotten ]
[ music | misfits - "where eagles dare" ]

got hideously sick last night. first time in the apartment, and definitely won't be the last...

belated birthday dinner at home tonight. chicken curry... last time i had that, i was hungover. i guess i'm just keeping it real or something.

ugh, my eyes are all bloodshot.

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[04 Mar 2002|02:07am]
well i guess i'll still be posting. not sure what about.

you can only write so much about how you're empty
and you drink too much
and you're lonely and depressed
and bored.

so yeah... thanks to the couple who want me around... i guess.
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[27 Feb 2002|12:11pm]
i wish i could write everything i think of here, but i'd be at the risk of the following:

a) making people think i'm a whiny emo geek who's obsessed with sadness (when that's really only part of me)
b) offending people i care about and making them hate me
c) further losing myself in my own misery
d) making myself subject to countless lectures from better-off friends

i think i'm just gonna get on with my life and stop writing here, and eventually phase out any internet communication. i'm just going to do what normal people do and just keep my problems inside. with any luck, someday i'll actually accept being alone and die that way. yeah, that's dramatic, but don't give me any shit. at my rate, it will happen.

beginning of the end.
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[26 Feb 2002|12:43pm]
it's hard to write anymore
too depleted, can't help being such a geek
nothing interesting is happening

i'm booking a show this summer and already putting serious work into it. i have one outlet for my energy.

job hunt time yet again...
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[23 Feb 2002|06:27pm]
chris asks: could things get worse this weekend?

life answers and gives him a flat tire going home from visiting the folks, as well as insufficient ground for his jack (it sank). life makes him struggle for an hour, fuck up his hands, and finally somebody with a better jack stops by. plus a cop stopped by and wasn't any help.

WHAT A GREAT BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!

i alread spend most of the day with a tremendous crushing feeling in my chest and ache through my veins... i wonder what's next?
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