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mood |
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restless |
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music |
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Gomez - In Our Gun |
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So does anyone watch Six Feet Under? I bloody love that show. Among the best bits of Monday's episode:
Nate: And this Brenda. My... girlfriend. Brenda: I prefer the term fuck-puppet.
Hehehe.
Personally I would prefer to be both those things to somebody. Lately I've been missing the coziness of being someone's girlfriend, you know the talking and the going out and the arguing and the snuggling. Etc. But at the same time, damn, I'm up for being somebody's fuck-puppet. It must be the warm weather these past few days.
But yeah, I'm more than prepared for both roles. You can take me out then take me.
In another SFU scene, this horribly perky mother and daughter were bleating about the joys of Spinning. They call it Cycle Power at my gym. Anyway. The daughter says, "exercise is mother nature's anti-depressant!". Ahh, I gotta admit that is true. This past few days, I felt like I was going mad. A lot has happened in the past six months. The thing where my dad went crazy and disowned me. Moving house twice. The stupid drama with my dog and going to court. Financial woe. Being utterly rejected in the lurve caper. My car being a total bastard. The looming prospect of being made redundant from my job.
I was coping really well til recently, when I started up with that whole endless crying anger anxiety crap again. I keep nicking off to the loos to bawl, or i want to punch things, or i feel like i am so tense and it feels like my insides are exploding. I felt like i wanted to cause myself harm. not as in topping myself but, just wanting to hurt. feeling so angry at myself that i wanted to cause physical pain. i am having a lot of trouble getting up every morning and there's this fucking bleakness, where i feel like i am never going to get anywhere. it feels like someone is attacking my head with a jackhammer.
The difference this time, as opposed to the Last Episode, is that the feelings have been the result of some crappy circumstances, as opposed to just coming out of nowhere. so it's more of a reaction to events than shitty things happening in my head. do you think? i dunno.
anyway yesterday i felt like i would just start screaming here at work, every word my boss said to me was grating, i felt like punching her or walking out. i got the yellow pages out and thought ROIGHT this has got to stop, i can't cope anymore, i am off to the doctor for some pills.
Then after work i went to the gym. i did a body combat class. after an hour of punching and kicking the air, i got that great rush of endorphins. i felt fantastic. sweaty and barely able to walk, but fantastic. suddenly i thought, i can cope with this shit on my own if i look after myself. i don't need the pills.
i dont' want to take them again anyway. last time, they robbed me of certain abilities. okay, i couldn't come. with depression your sex drive is supposed to drop, but mine went sky high. but it was all pointless because i just couldn't bloody get the gold medal, yknow? it was awful. that went away after a couple of months, but damn. i don't want to go there again. how'm i sposed to be a quality fuck-puppet if i can't come?
i think i want to try and deal with it myself this time. if the craziness keeps up, maybe i'll go to the doctor. but for now i will just go to the gym.
so yeah, yesterday i said i needed to talk, now i have. if you got this far thank you for reading.
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