silly and cliche, yes. but, i had to.   
03:35pm 20/11/2002
  there's this part in a song i just listened to that reminded me of our situation.


"...so i'm just kicking it.
i'm counting the days,
i hardly can wait
for us to hang out.
i'm really missing it in so many ways.
i anticipate us making out..."		  
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quote of the day:   
12:30pm 15/11/2002
  "don't you hate uncomfortable silences? why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit, in order to be comfortable? that's when you know you found somebody really special. when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share a silence."



tell me the movie and the character, and you win a special prize.		  
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you think you can handle this?   
01:36am 11/11/2002
  fuck me in a bathroom stall,
and then take me home to mama.		  
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remembering december.   
11:55pm 13/10/2002
  i wonder where you are, girl.
what happened?


i have not forgotten our conversations or letters.
i have not forgotten the words that made my heart tremble with delight.

i wonder the state you are in, if you are well and healthy.

your pictures are still visible, a smile waiting to happen.
i wonder if you still think of me as i think of you.

give me a word, a sign. anything. even a simple 'fuck you' would do.

will you even read this?		  
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composition for an unstable mind.   
03:35am 04/10/2002
  i'm not sure if you'll ever see this, or even if i'd want you to see it.

how dare you call me a hypocrite from my actions. this so called 'giving someone a voice and then running away'. remind me again what happened the second night i met you. you ran away from this bedroom without a single word of why or what you were feeling. i didn't give up on you then, when all sources stated i should.

everything i've said to you, i've meant, no regrets. i'm not all talk. i make convictions and analytical observations, and i stand by them with all my strength. i am not cowardly, as you've so kindly brought to my attention. pointing out my flaws and making absurd generalizations is a dirty fight i want no part of.

what kills me is i let you in. all of my vulnerability and fears, i cast away to become closer to you. i trusted you, i opened up a part of me that rarely is mentioned, only to be rudely thrown back in my face.

i'm not giving up, no matter what you think. this is minor in the scheme of things, and i realize we're both at awkward times right now. however, if things continue to follow this path, i'm not sure how much i can handle.

you are beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, determined, strong-willed...the things i crave.

i want to understand you. i want to know the things you keep from everyone else. i'm willing to work with you and show you the things that you truly deserve.
but i can't be the only one trying.

i'm emotionally drained. i'm going to bed.		  
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a breath of fresh air.   
03:32am 26/09/2002
  i'm really glad we did the 'serious discussion' this morning.

as soon as you left the table to use the restroom, i plotted how i would bring it up when you returned.

i've missed you so much. how we used to make silly jokes and laugh until our sides would ache.

i really hope you recognize the importance of this conversation. the issues i've been pondering these past few months, they've been stressing me out.

i respect you as a person, your strength and courage. i value your opinion, above everyone elses. you are truly my best friend, and i'm really lucky to have you around.

i can't wait to have our own space, our freedom we've been desparately trying to seek. i won't let you down. trust me.		  
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something is fluttering around in my stomach.   
01:45am 19/09/2002
  i am speechless.
thank you.
i am thinking of your lips and hands
as i sleep tonight.		  
     Post
 
'best friend' blues.   
01:31am 19/09/2002
  remind me again what a good friendship means to you.

are you really that selfish?
can you not ask one simple question about my life?
why must i always lend my ear when you need someone to listen, but when my turn comes around, you stare blankly, make an irrelevant comment, or relate my story to that silly boy?

friendship should be mutual.

you know why we've never had a serious argument?
i put up with your shit, and i never confront you with problems.
would you even value my opinion, or would you mention what you had planned that night with the boy?

fuck you.		  
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d is for die.   
03:52am 02/09/2002
  my eyes are puffy.
i haven't had a cigarette all day.
i fear i am unemployed.
i have no transportation, no direction.
i have the most awful case of bed head ever imaginable.
my father is an ignorant dictator.
my mother proves to be shady at times.
i've watched more television today than i average in a year.
someone i've trusted and respected along the years seems to have no time for me anymore, only time for what is important to her.
i haven't eaten all day.

jesus. i'm going to have a cigarette.		  
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funny in the 'ha ha' sort of way.   
01:52am 24/08/2002
  you are both pathetic.

thanks for the good laugh, however.		  
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my cat's breath smells like catfood.   
04:56am 23/08/2002
 
music: cd from a gorgeous girl
tonight was the first night i've felt well in a while. i decided to make the most of it, and get a hole punched in my face. my left nostril has a tiny stud protruding from it as of 8 o'clock this evening. no pain, just awkwardness. imagine a rather large booger you can't quite reach. yay for metal.

there's not much to update on in my life at the moment. the same old routine bullshit i've been putting up with for the past few months still continues. however, i do predict a new job in the near future. big surprise.

there's this girl that has been frequenting my mind lately. she writes me the sweetest things, and i think she's simply amazing. not to mention very beautiful - inside and out.

i've taught heifer a new trick. i've recently learned she loves playing with the faucet. i'll turn it on, and she'll bat at it or stick her head under the stream of water. it's so amusing to watch. sheesh. i need to get out more.

i have a chapstick obsession. i counted 7 in my bag today.

i got pulled over for speeding the other night. it was late, and i was making my daily stop for denny's coffee. it went smoothly, except for the lack of my insurance card. the cop wrote off the speeding as a warning, his reasoning being it was late and i was the cutest girl he'd pulled over all day. i was still issued a ticket for no proof of insurance. bastard. maybe i should have showed him some cleavage.

sleep time.		  
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spontaneous combustion of the heart.   
03:04am 12/08/2002
 
music: girl- built to spill
could you be the one, dear, sweet girl?

if not, i'd hate to feel anything more intense than this.
my poor heart might explode.

you know, i checked the calendar, and i believe it said that next month was december. come home to me.		  
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dearly departed.   
01:28am 08/08/2002
  before i begin writing this, you must know your image never plagues my brain as it did. to be quite honest, i rarely, if ever, think about you anymore. call me what you will - cold, heartless, emotionless, apathetic, bitch- trust me, you're not the first.

my reasoning behind this entry...i know you'll read it. in fact, i bet my last dollar you do. nothing against you, of course. i just know you.

this was never as i expected it. however, you can not blame me this time. i have been at fault with some of my actions with you. not this time. something controversial happens, and without hearing the full story, you point fingers and speak irrationally. it's always been this way.

i had it all planned out. the conversation. how it would go. but you let one incident, something you knew to be inevitable, blow my chance at anything civil.

we would have never lasted. you're too emotional and overly sensitive and at times, ignorant. i'm laid back and calm and drama free. also, i never promised you a 'forever'. that word never escaped my lips. i told you why. this is why.

i'm glad this situation has given you inspiration. i'm sorry i took time away from your important creative ideas. your journal is interesting, yet repetitive and melodramatic. this is not a cut, just some constructive criticism.

and, for the record...i haven't fucked anyone yet. i know you seem to think i've been jumping from girl to girl, having a little of this and a little of that. honestly, my standards have risen dramatically since...well, you. no offense. sure, i've mentioned flings, but this is my journal. this is my space to empty my head at night, to sort my thoughts. get it, just thoughts. there's no reason to be jealous. if i had, in fact, fucked a girl, or girls as you would have it, i would make an entry describing in detail the deed and title it was follows: i fucked a girl.

back to the point, if there ever was such a thing...i don't hate you. i'm not mad, nor do i hold grudges. there's no time for apologies. i've grown weary of hearing yours. all faith i had in having any sort of relationship with you is now lost. you've burned all your bridges, and i'm afraid it would take years to rebuild. is this closure? i doubt it. our time came to an end. simple as that.

i don't need a response from you.
i don't need anything from you, really.
over and out.
just emptying my head for the day.

this will be the last entry about you.




*for anyone else who has stumbled onto this entry-- i will probably use and abuse you, break your heart and trample your feelings like everyone else who has made a pass at me. enter at your own risk. i enjoy being fucking metal. \m/		  
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song dedication.   
03:43am 04/08/2002
  über legitimate

home's all right.
i believe (the decision is yours, trust yourself)
i believe you have your instinct to expect that i'll change.
oh, to keep with this (the decision is yours, trust yourself)
ease history.
we'll take it as it comes.
you carry me on.
what if the sun is right?
you can't change that source in a day.
what if desire is truth?
what have we sought to learn?
what more could you ask for?
what about service fares?
you can't change that source in a day.
what if that star was right?
what else could you ask for?
hold this night.
i can see (the decision is yours, trust yourself)
i can see how it poured once before.
the thoughts form on call.
could you tell me what it means to plan?
have you chosen me to be your jointed hands?
put in your stakes and be glad that this is something static,
and solemnly invincible.
i've waited for you.
ascending a stage at a time,
admiring all the way as we push and pull and take and give.
you waited for me.
i trust into the order of things this once, this once.
love to be you.
i could be you.
i stand.		  
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listen to the dial tone. to what's not being said.   
01:33am 03/08/2002
  my brain the past few days:

pick up the phone.
dial the number.
no. wait. what will you say?
hang up the phone.

so many things to say, yet it feels too soon. but right.

i want to kiss her.		  
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random.   
03:56am 01/08/2002
 
music: the garden - mirah
something is wrong with my bladder. i rarely relieve myself, or feel the need to, but these past few days, i feel the urge every few minutes. i can't seem to figure it out. i'm not drinking excessive amounts of liquid. what's the deal?

some creep just im'd me asking me if i was the kind of girl that took 'noods'. i said yes, and sent him the ostrich penis. asshole.

i'm in the process of job searching. i need some fast cash. target is cutting hours again. nothing new. i can't deal anymore.

kim and i have recently decided that ben will be our third roommate. he's the most awesome guy i know, and he can fix our cars and do electrical work if we ever need it. plus, he can cook and do laundry. what more could i ask for? we all get along surprisingly well. it will be just like three's company, but in that queer sort of way.

i'm a horrible person. i went on ebay and found nes games that i needed. i got skate or die 2 and bart vs. the mutant whatevers, and both ninja turtle games are on the way. ebay is the devil. stay away.

i've been playing my guitar a lot lately. as soon as i picked it up, i realized how much i missed making music. hopefully, this band thing will work out. it'll be hard to concentrate on the music (ahem), but i'm a strong girl. i can handle it.

girls are trouble. as much as i'd like to join a convent, i can't give them up. i thought to myself, ' as soon as i'm single again, i'll play around and have fun.' i've decided this isn't what i really want. it sounds great in theory, but i want something more than a one night thing. my standards have been raised dramatically, and i'm going to start being extremely picky. i'm not settling for just anything anymore. i'd rather be alone than unhappy. also, no more messing around unless i'm in a relationship. it's never really been a huge problem for me, but this time, there will be no exceptions. no matter how cute she is.

(why can't i get you out of my mind?)

bedtime.		  
     Post
 
   
12:45pm 29/07/2002
  i made my mother cry.
i need to get away from here.
away from this place, so no more people get hurt.

it was the first time i'd cried in a while. a year or so.
the heated tears rolled down my face, falling to the pillow below.

everything seems to be fine now. like nothing happened. and nothing will happen. not like that. ever again.		  
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be gentle with my heart.   
04:53pm 27/07/2002
 
music: light the match - mirah
tell me how you feel.
tell me anything.

god, i'm hopeless.		  
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this is about you.   
05:09am 25/07/2002
  it's 5:09 a.m. i'm wide awake.

there are so many things i need to address. how i feel, what i want...

i've always been the strong one, and then you came along.
like a storm, you rattled through my world, in your fashionably pink attire. most storms leave debris, i only feel the calm.

were my movements too quick for you to handle? i know the answer. your eyes and the way you touched my hips told me.

i can't fuck and leave. that's not something i can do anymore. i want something more. i see it in you. weird?

give me time. to show you what this could be. take it slow. it's the right way.		  
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fag boys suck.   
02:09am 28/06/2002
  i wasn't even planning on going tonight. i wanted to be alone with my thoughts for the evening. i hadn't had a night to myself in a while, and i realized how much i missed it.

however, kim called and said it would be best to go out and have fun to clear my head. so, i agreed.

she took me to a queer club. we waited around to meet an ex, and then decided to go into a club. kim went before me and had her id out, ready to hand to the doorman. she also has one of her sister's old ids, but it was tucked away in her wallet. apparently, he saw this one, and thought she was trying to run a scam. hello? she handed him her real one, and besides, underagers are marked with huge permanent x's, and i'm sure no bartender would confuse them.

the fag guy gives kim this nasty look, grabs both of her ids, and says,' not this time, honey.' he gets his little marker out, grabs her hand, and carves an x into her hand. sheesh. i thought faggots were s'posed to be gentle and sensitive.

he could have said he'd hold the fake id until we came out. he could have told her if she attempted to use it, she would be thrown out immediately. he could have not cared because he'd know the glowing x's were enough.

he was a fucking bastard.

so, we ended up going to jack in the box, stuffing ourselves with tacos and eggrolls, plotting out how to steal ornaments from people's yards.

at least it got my mind off things. and i had a good time.
that's all that matters.		  
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lady_sappho
 
 
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