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Friday, November 29th, 2002
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3:24 am
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| Wednesday, November 27th, 2002
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1:18 am - Don't give a damn
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all sense impressions appear in silence are born from silence are silence manifest from core to surface subside back into silence when their task is done and leave only silence
even sleep appears out of the silence, woven from the silence and folds back into silence when you wake up
but I wonder, what do I do with all this freedom ? Some things are so malleable. A friend of mine said he'd see the world. I said I'd read for 200 years and then let the world carry on it's own course and don't bother with the rest. I would like to and wouldn't like to shape things according to my own mind. I think I would like to but when it comes down to it, I can't be bothered trying to change or control things. Why should things go in my direction ? Why should I steer things according to whatever passing whim I have ? There are things other ppl can do better than I can, so why not let them do it ?
Again the vampire allegory is useful. One person said: they're 300 years old and don't give a damn. That describes my situation pretty closely, give or take a few years.
I keep thinking about Douglas Harding's wife who wandered the moors in joy after she read his old books and encountered the silence. I feel like wandering that moor too and just walk wherever the wind takes me.
Uh well right now I'd like a real mausoleum and stone sarcophagus when I die and I'd like to go and play some TR2, the dark Opera House level. I like wandering around in the dark alone. Want some action. When my life lacks action, I habitually turn to that game and that level.
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| Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
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1:30 am
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Sitting easily by my desk, the lamp casts soft yellow light. Even the walls speak of grace, reflecting the light from the lamp with a yielding softness.
The night is cold black velvet, quiet and generous, silently taking in everything, stretching out to hold everything.
In the beat of the heart everything comes to a stand still, time stops, there is soft breathless waiting. Day is easy, night is easy. Then you walk back to the coffin and sleep easily, barely touching the walls and the bottom, unconcerned and quiet.
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| Monday, November 25th, 2002
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12:11 am
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Sitting here listening to some music, had a relaxing and easy Sunday.
Thinking about how little satisfaction I get out of doing things these days, a job is a job, doing it well feels good but then comes the eternal "so what?".
"So what?" is the way my mind seems to work these days. It used to feel good to help others out with various things, now it doesn't, it doesn't feel bad and it doesn't feel good. I help out when I have to, some times I have others things to do.
I've thought about drives and the subconscious impulses we have to do certain things (and which to some extent make up our personalities) and as usual come to nothing. Great, fantastic, I'd be content with doing nothing. Maybe some of the subconscious impulses I have to do things went away. I see ppl being very enthusiastic about things and I think I've lost that need to do, lost that need to try and impress or attract ppl.
But some things remain, one of them is entertaining annnoyed thoughts. One of them is this: The bossman and I used to argue about countries and which ones were the worst to grow up in. Can you believe adults having arguments about that kind of thing ? I've spent some of my time doing some really stupid things.
It's easy to sit here and listen to music.
I think about negativity (my own) and tendency to spiral down into states of complaining and annoyance and come to the conclusion maybe it's not such a bad thing despite what social "rules" say. Some say the body itself has a mood, some are naturally optimistic, others are naturally more somber and that's ok with me.
Being alone doesn't bother me, I don't understand what ppl find in prolonged company of others. Why so much seeking of approval ? Humans may be a social animal of the pack type, I've always thought my biological ancestors must have been snow leopards, solitary animals.
A lack of enthusiasm ? Simply no feeling of nothing that should be done. It feels ok to just sit here, being on my own, no obligations to others.
I used to be nervous in the dark, now walking outside at night isn't a bother, or being in a room without the light on. Night really is more easy on the eyes than the glare of day.
To breathe easily and walk in any place with ease, phew.
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| Sunday, November 24th, 2002
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3:00 am - Trees, sky and clouds
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| Saturday, November 23rd, 2002
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1:18 am
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| Friday, November 22nd, 2002
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4:11 am
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Had a view to a white winter sky, some naked branches and the back wall of a red brick church. The view was lovely in its simplicity.
On the bus home yellow street lights flooded the black asphalt like spot lights light a stage. The doors opened and one passenger exited the bus.
On the way to the front door I checked the mail box and enjoyed the darkness and cold of the winter night. I'm beginning to like winter more and more.
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3:43 am - Winter
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| Thursday, November 21st, 2002
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12:34 am
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I often wish I could leave a blank space here so ppl reading could feel the spaciousness of silence, instead I fill up the page with things that tend to obscure the spaciousness, like words. I guess that's ok too.
Sensory perceptions have taken on a neutral face, they mostly feel neither good nor bad, just as impressions, simple as that, no interpretation. Next up is apparently emotions and one of the emotions I consider the strongest, anger. It used to have a color or a feeling, a flavor to it other than just "strong" but now it seems near flavorless, it's just an emotion, neutral and not swaying towards good or bad, like the sensory perceptions, usually strong, sometimes weak.
Other writers have mentioned emotions sinking into the general awareness and "disappearing". T mentioned something from the VtM game, just in passing: "Their emotions died 1000 years ago..." It made me think. But emotions don't go away, they just become flavorless and neutral, well I guess that's the same as "going away".
Hmmm.... in the open space emotions are strong or weak but they don't have flavor. I still get angry and sometimes really angry but it only lasts a moment, have to live with that.
One person stays away from me and I think it's b/c she's scared. I must at times seem very stern and unapproachable. That's fine by me, I try to please ppl much less now than before. It's been good being more honest and showing my unfriendly, asocial, stern moments too, a relief actually. I can't close my hand around reactions any more, the situations better unfold as they want to, I'm too tired to interfere with them or steer them in any direction.
Watching Hellsing makes me think black hair isn't as ugly as I've been "taught". What a good thing.
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| Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
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12:03 am
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My health resents me, I resent it back.
I told K at work that the voice actor who plays Alucard in Hellsing is the same who plays the cross dressing teacher in Strawberry Eggs. The idea of a cross dressing Alucard transplanted to Strawberry Eggs induced mental images that sparked off a long laughing fit, the kind where trying to stop only makes it worse and makes you laugh even harder and it feels so good to laugh it just gushes out uncontrollably while your friend can just watch and shake their heads.
I think I tapped into a fountain of impersonal mirth and laughed and laughed past the level of decorum. It felt like a kind of satori, suddenly you see the things in a new light and they can't be taken seriously and where does that joy come from but nowhere ? It felt good letting go in that way and just laugh, it really tickled the brain. Next time it happens I'll go with it again, not hold back like I usually do.
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| Sunday, November 17th, 2002
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11:35 pm
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I just followed some links (posted by rejuvenation on emptiness and what to do after the first glimpse of emptiness has been seen to make it stick. Stories about emptiness and the first glimpse are always fun to read, I guess it's kind of like reading about ppl's first kiss, some find it exhilarating and fantastic, others think it's the scary entrance into a new world of grown ups and need time to cope with it.
But the what to do to make it stick part I find less useful. Some say one should keep watch for the emptiness to make it permanent or sti still with the teacher. I would rather say forget about trying to make it stick and sitting still and be yourself instead, whatever "yourself" entails. I see some fear of IT vanishing, of the ego coming back and closing the view to the emptiness, but again I would think that being yourself, completely and totally, whatever that means, from moment to moment, exhibiting both "enlightened" or "unenlightened" behavior, would do the trick. You're not really trying to make anything stick or anything else happen, you're just trying to become comfortable with letting the moment responding appropriately to the moment, moment from moment, whatever behavior comes up, letting nature take its course.
I've seen it described as "being detached and being detached to detachment" and really, it's quite simple, it's just being oneself, how you are, how can that be difficult, it's what you've been your entire life ? (Others ppl have said the same thing thousand times over, I'm just repeating it here for my own pleasure, since it feels so good to dare to be oneself without the fear of social repercussions.)
For some situations I'm all for pushing the envelope as far as it can go, not pushing for the sake of pushing, just not putting on any restraints on oneself. Go all out on niceties, gentleness, kindness, opening to others, but also on pride, self serving, anger, hysteria and general bad behavior, or as much as the situation and oneself can allow. (There are times when appropriateness of behavior should be followed and times when it shouldn't and criminal law is still valid when it's valid.)
Being open to one's general bad behavior is still being open and it dredges up the fears and sorrows and the reasons for the bad behavior being there in the first place. Openness to the socially unwanted aspects of oneself is actually an unnegotiable position. Lucky the universe doesn't allow one to close off to these aspects at all.
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| Thursday, November 14th, 2002
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12:34 am - Opposites
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Not opposites reconciled through some mental or verbal trickery or self delusion, but all opposites (light, darkness, pain, pleasure, God, man, male, female, self others, yin, yang) and all things seen to be of the same fundamental nature, streaming from the Self at each moment, as being, awareness, pure ISness, then energy and undifferentiated impressions before they are colored by the conditioned mind.
When the mind is attentive to the silence between thoughts and looks for the root cause of the opposites, their likefaced nature is discovered and the apparent opposition reconciled.
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12:21 am
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Keeping the connection and spontaneous openness with others is easy to do some days and hard to do other days.
Today was one of those days it was easy. It feels as if a kind and gentle hand (as in Rainer Maria Rilke's poem) holds the world and there is a softness and freshness to everything.
I even slammed my hand on the table once in impatience and the connection didn't break down much. I guess honesty comes easy this way.
But that openness, I'm very inspired to keep it for longer and to more ppl now. If I'm not really mistaken honesty and spontaneity plays a big part in keeping the connection open.
Openness and spontaneity (wei wu wei) also provided answers to a difficult phonecall. The answers were just there and they fell out of my mouth and then the call ended without half the sweating anticipated.
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| Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
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11:58 pm - Today's prattle: Just watching ?
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The "solution" to bring about realization has invariably been recommended as simply watching what takes place without swaying too much either towards aversion against painful experiences or grasping for pleasurable experiences, just watching and relaxing.
I often see objections to this way, some think it's too suppressive, dry, not acknowledging the body or the emotions' needs enough, being too restrictive or boring, what have you.
Watching without judging is not suppressing yourself, it's acknowledging the big part of your self that waits behind thoughts and suffering and is waiting for you to share of the world as it is.
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1:18 am
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This really sums up my day:
Days Are Numbers (The Traveller) - The Alan Parsons Project
Chris Rainbow - Lead Vocals
The traveller is always leaving town He never has the time to turn around And if the road he's taken isn't leading anywhere He seems to be completely unaware
The traveller is always leaving home The only kind of life he's ever known When every moment seems to be A race against the time There's always one more mountain left to climb
Days are numbers Watch the stars We can only see so far Someday, you'll know where you are
Remember Days are numbers Count the stars We can only go so far One day, you'll know where you are
The traveller awaits the morning tide He doesn't know what's on the other side But something deep inside of him Keeps telling him to go He hasn't found a reason to say no
The traveller is only passing through He cannot understand your point of view Abandoning reality, unsure of what he'll find The traveller in me is close behind
Days are numbers Watch the stars We can only see so far Someday, you'll know where you are
Remember Days are numbers Count the stars We can only go so far One day, you'll know where you are
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| Monday, November 11th, 2002
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2:02 am
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I feel stripped, stripped of the power I once thought I had, the power to protect myself and others against harm and damage, and ambition for personal gratification and will to change the outcome of events and the world carried away by the wind. It's a buoyant feeling, a relief. It's not necessary to do more than what's being done. This comes after weeks of meditation on power, ambition and protection.
A friend told me he had problems with another friend. I knew it would happen, ppl carry their personal history and mental blocks on their sleeves, I saw it come from a mile away. By far the best thing is to leave ppl to their karma, there is little need to take "revenge" or punish "wrongdoers", simply leaving ppl to their inherent tendencies is usually enough. I'll advise my friend we're honest and upfront and not act out of fear or personal outcome but with straightforward concern for our goal. Like repels like but humility provides one way out of the deadlock, nothing is unsolvable, even on the plane of mental tendencies, if only the will to do so is present.
Today's other discovery after having watched "Quills" is that the worst enemy of binding religious moral control isn't vice or depravity but humor and laughter, b/c that completely negates the fear through which religious moral control tries to work. Humor and acceptance of self and others, self love, openness, is what breaks the spell of judgment and harshness in the name of religion.
I currently feel like I've got no face and that possibilities are completely open, I can go anywhere from any given point. It makes me think of the RPG symbol for chaos, 8 arrows in the 8 directions of the map (north, east, south, west, northeast, northwest, southeast and southwest). I don't think anyone can understand that ideatic and personal freedom and I don't expect anyone to either.
I still feel I need to have a face so I make up one. The cold was bad today but I can already feel it getting better, the 2 first days are always the worst. You won't belive what came out of my nose today, you didn't need to hear that. :)
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| Saturday, November 9th, 2002
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9:59 pm - The One Ring
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Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thratakuluk agh burzum-tv krimpatul ! *
*One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in front of the tv bind them !
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9:56 pm - Afterlife
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When the candle is extinguished, the property of light is still present in the world.
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1:31 am
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When awareness burns steadily along with the sense impressions, pain becomes just another sensation, registered, present, strong or weak, but an inseparable part of awareness itself. When water is poured into water, there is only current and movement, and water and then water's mirror is smooth again.
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| Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
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1:41 am
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"It's not due to any special charm or positive trait with the character, [...] simply reflects the character's fate of meeting ppl who are easily obsessed with him/her."
I'm friendly but with no other agenda than that. When feelings are not reciprocated, wishful thinking leads to resentment. I guess I should show ppl my nasty sides more so they're less likely to start wishful thinking.
There is one person who's noticed my combativeness and he distinctly dislikes it. That's ok, I don't like his wishy washy ways either.
I guess the lesson is to show more "true skin" so ppl know what to expect rather than superficially trying to be nice. Ppl never learn though, they expect there to be something at the bottom of a personality when it's the multitudes of faces that counts, not the "real" face behind it. At the center of an onion's layers is a void which contains the potential for all expressions and all significances that are seen on the various layers. That's the "true" face, not the official face or the private face or the kind face or the ruthless face. But most ppl want there to be one face, one thing, one moral or one mode of being, to feel safe even if it means disappointment later on. Trying to tie down the wind I think, stupid.
But is that a problem ? No, very little if anything feels like a problem these days.
Parts of my life seems like they're open to change and reshaping and that's new. If I want to change things, there's space for it. I'm used to accomodating so being left to personal initiative and creativity is new. Feels a little like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. :)) I wanna do that, jump without false security and be free. For now I'm not doing any reshaping or changing, things can stay the way they are.
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