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[27 Aug 2002|01:17am] Im on the verge of killing him. I swear. I want a new bassist now. This guy is rediculous. He said at one point in our heated (my half awake) conversation that maybe we arent two personalities that should be in the same band. Well I couldn't agree more lately. He is too fucking up tight for this band. He is all concerned with this uptight shit and how we look and so on so forth and assuming that he knows what our fans want then he turns around and says he isnt gonna change his creative stuff for others. He tries to blame the lack of practice on izzy. As if when im not with her then it is ok for me to work wit the band. Otherwise MY band is 2nd on my lilst. But we resolve our differences and continue on.. Show this friday..it bothered me when i asked izzy if she was gonna be there and she said she didnt know. That she would have to see. I was like but izz I can always count on you to promise youll be there. But ohwell.. Eat Me

This isn't what I wished for, This isn't what I knew, what can waiting do....? [20 Aug 2002|10:51pm] wow...someone actually responded to one of my journals (see below) that is cool. I love it when people respond, it makes me feel like woohoo someone is actually reading my mindless rambling. Well hmm....god I've been so tired. Today was my first FULL day of theatre. Wow. I was there from like 8:50 till 3:30 It was crazy. Lots of design class and such. Its gonna be an interesting year. They got off to a good start with the lower levels. The upper levels might be designing set and maybe costumes for Perecles. That will be damn cool, but damn hard. There seems like there are ALOT of locales in the show. What else to say. My english class sucks cuz it has annoying people in it. My gov. class is gonne be cool. Mr. Roman seems nice. So ya I don't know what else to say right now...Society bugs me hardcore sometimes. Criminals and other dumb people like that get on my nerves, and ignorance runs rampant. 1 Bite|Eat Me

Them other mens [19 Aug 2002|11:36pm] hmm uh oh...new dance guy....in the 1st period english class. He is nice, cute, tall, obviously he is built (he is a dancer) and they were flirting with him, and in this im much cooler than all the other guys way, he was flirting back...Ohhh the innocence....ohh the days of being a sophmore....ohh the fun...hehe im not gonna think much of it until he hits on her.....then i wont like him....he actually seemed really nice when i met him. 1 Bite|Eat Me

when she says she loves me........ [18 Aug 2002|08:41pm] im probably over thinking or over analyzing but over the past 3 days at night, and on the phone today (when i may not talk to her until tomorrow) I say I love you..and she doesnt say anything....she always says it at night....she has said she likes that to be the last thing we say to each other....i didn't respond once and she got funny...but oh well, i guess if she isn't feeling da love then she isn't gonna say it....makes sense to me. Eat Me

My izz.....: ( [13 Aug 2002|12:59am] izz hasn't been feeling too good lately. Im doing everything I can to help. I hope ive been doing enough...I don't like it when she is hurtning...it makes me hurt for her.... Eat Me

"I can see that thief that lives inside of your head, but I can be some courage at the side of your bed, I don't whats happening and I can't pretend but I can be yours" [10 Aug 2002|02:49am] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Elton John - Tiny Dancer ] put song lyrics that you would say to each of the following people and mean it. yr best friend: "you and me were in this together now, none of them can stop us now" - Nine Inch Nails "I can be anything that you want me to be, a punching bag, a piece of string, that reminds you not to think...Hold your head high, dont look down, I'm by your side, you wanted a hero here tonight, well I'm not made of steel, but your secret's safe with me" - Our Lady Peace yr father: "Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared, I was so alone. You, you need to listen. I'm starting trip, I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone" - Avril Lavigne yr mother: "I turn to you and I say, thank goodness for the Good souls that make life better" - Starsailor yr sibling: "sometimes these fantasies come true, now the whole thing misses me, held down by fishing wire and glue, to be the best we couldn't be, up on the roof with the whole world at our feet." someone you work with: "I remember marching like a one man army" - Our Lady Peace someone you live with: "im not alone cuz the TV's on ya, Im not crazy cuz I take the right pills, everyday" - Jimmy Eat World someone you hate: "There is no standing room for you, there is no better way to prove" - Matthew someone you love: "get a little anxious sometimes, you'll be gone and i'll be gone and i'll be left behind" - Dashboard Confessional "I Don't have anything if I don't have you" - VAST "im not hanging up the phone till i hear you say, i love you, i need you here" - The Ataris "Don't worry I'll catch you, dont worry ill catch, dont ever worry" - Get Up Kids somone you admire: "there goes my hero, watch him as he goes. There goes my hero, he's ordinary" someone one you miss: "Today's a reason for living, today's the blood from a stone, today's the light from a candle, helping us to find our way home" - Our Lady Peace "last time I talked to you, you were lonley and out of place, you were lookin down on me, i stared in space. Laid underneath the stars, strung out and feeling brave, watch the red orange glow, watch it fade away." - Our Lady Peace yr ex: "you only think about yourself, you only think about yourself" - incubus "I gave you my purity and my purity you stole" - Nine Inch Nails yr lover: "I'm just a boy, and she's just a girl, can I make it anymore obvious, we are in love, haven't you heard, how we rock each others world" - Avril Lavigne "the words are hushed lets not get busted, just lay intwinded here undisocoverd, safe where we are from all the stupid questions, hey did you get some that is so dumb, stay quite, stay near, stay close they cant hear, so we can get some, my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me so i die happy, my heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whicever you prefer." - Dashboard Confessional yrself: "lonley, wondering, patroling, for enemies, no one listens but I'm ok with it" - Our Lady Peace Well thats the best I could do.... IZZ GOT BACK TODAY. IM SOO HAPPY. I MISSED HER SOOO MUCH...I MISSED SOOO MUCH ABOUT HER...IM SOOO HAPPY SHE IS BACK "Everybody ends up here in bottles, but the name tags the last thing you wanted....as the world explodes we fall out of it, and we can't let go because this will not go away........there's a house built out in space" Eat Me

i wanna fllllyyyy away....yea...ya...ya [09 Aug 2002|05:30pm] [ mood | discontent ] i wish i could hop on a private plane right now and fly away from everyone....i dont know why but i just do....izz gets back tonight...she wants to see me even if it is for a little bit....i might have the house all to myself tomorrow....well i mean i guess all to myself and izz, at this moment i guess i would like to spend the day with her...like as much of it as i can....early morning to late at night....but well see....i doubt she'll want to do that. Eat Me

it just takes some time, in the middle [09 Aug 2002|02:14am] [ mood | indescribable ] i sit and i wonder...she could have had blake, bryan, steve, me, chris, or practically any guy she wants, how, and why, and ........ did she pick me? I don't see. I read thru the notes, i see all the pages unfold and i see no signs pointing to me, was i just the most persistant " sooooooo. im bored. i just made steve-o a cd and im about to send his package, late christmas present. in a way im sort of fearing saturday. it will good that joe will be back in town... but still. i'll make a decision then to stay single and free or commit. it's definitely not that i wouldn't be happy, because i would be, its just that... well i won't be used to "having someone". and thats not all of it either. i dont know how to explain what it is. i guess i'll just wait and see, it will just be. ...'s are dangerous, useful, but dangerous. the uncomfotable pause... the silence. eek." things like that never seem good to me....why didnt she just go with the dream guy, steve...i mean he is the perfect guy....im sorry i seem all pathetic and low self esteem right now, but im just being low and stupid about it. Im sure there are all the reasons in the world she chose me over all them. I guess I just want to doubt it so it will hurt less when its over...so i can say, i knew it all along, oh well, thats life... i wonder to myself if i can ever be that perfect man that she wants, the one she can look at and just say god you are amazing or god you are gorgeous. the one that can make all her troubles slip away and that makes her melt in the palm of his hand. i wonder if i can be the guy who is caring, drop dead attractive, spontaneous, somewhat emoish, cool, supportive, motivated, and all those things i think she wants in a guy....oh well, im not gonna try too hard to be something im not, im just me and thats all i can be, and that is by god good enough for now...if she doesnt like me forever then she wont like me forever, that is the way life goes, i have to quit thinking about the long term and sit and enjoy the short term, i once said that life is a series of moments connected by other moments and that we must live in those moments....well damnit where did i stop following my own advice.....time to be a moment living kinda guy....hey hey..... Eat Me

If i was everything I'm not then I could be perfect....but of course that will never be... [07 Aug 2002|05:44pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down ] i shouldnt have read her old journals, it makes me cry, it makes me sad. it makes me feel pathetic, but I feel that already I guess." i trust her when she says so and i know that she does mean so, but i question my motives in knowing that i trust and dont ask why. I read the writting on the walls i see the way she acts in the halls, I know that its so simple, and yet it seems so strange. I wish I could be that man she wants, that perfect, so amazing, so intriguing super hero. I wish that I could be that guirdian of her, so strong, so brave, so daring, so bold, so supernatural." So then I go back and read my journal and I realize i used to be alot cooler and more laid back, then i got all uptight, and now im trying to go back to being cooler. My voice wont come back. We are talking my livelyhood here. I DONT HAVE THE VOICE I HAD BEFORE I GOT SICK. THIS IS REALLY BAD. I dont think I can ever be her 5 letter word. Eat Me

Do you like dreaming of things so impossible [06 Aug 2002|02:53pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Avril Lavigne - Losing Grip ] Well it's almost the end of summer. Well ok lets see what I want to talk about today. You know what bugs me personally? When people use your friends or family as a comparison to insult you. Like I will be out with Izzy or a friend or whatever and people will use their height or skin tone in comparison to how short I am or how pale I am. Well my ass is getting a tan this week so HAH. I can;t much change my height. I am gonna start working out a little more so I can be a little bulkier and a bit stronger. So ya that is just one thing. Lately I have mellowed out alot. I finally realized that I stress over alot of things that aren't worth stressing over. So now I am more relaxed and cool about stuff, not everything yet, cuz its a tough process to change you know? But, I am coming along quite well. It has really helped me out in alot of ways. I'm less stressed, I get less worked up about stuff, and it has made things alot smoother between Izz and I. Which mind you she is in Jamaica right now...OOOOO Thats what I want to rant about. I'm gonna let out a little personal pain and strife here today. This has been the summer that everyone has gone somewhere cool. Never before have I known so many people that have gone places over summer. I know people who have been to Jamaica, England, Italy, Europe, Ohio, Chicago, New York, Florida, California, Washington D.C., Mexico, France, North Carolina, Rhode Island, Canada, on cruises, etc... Me, I have gone to Mississippi for 4 days to see my grandparents. Thats IT. It pisses me off in a way cuz we can't really afford to take cool trips and to go on really awesome vacations every summer. Like Izz got to go to mexico for spring break and Jamaica for summer. I am happy for her and such in that, but I am jealous of all these people at the same time. I want to be able to go places and do cool shit. I missed out on all of it during middle school because of my parents and my mom being really down and not wanting to do much, and us not having any extra money, and because of the moving situation and all. I missed out on it during the first 2 years of high school cuz I was just stupid and weird and didn't go out with people cuz my friends are cool but they just don't do much as a unit. So I have missed out on all the cool experiences that everyone talks about like going on a school trip in like 7th or 8th grade and making out excessivley in movie theatres and other places. Instead I have shotgunned my way to the age of like 26 where I am all career focuesed and boring. The sad part is now that I realize it I want to get out there and make up for lost time, but it is too late. I missed out on high school. I missed out on being a teen, and I missed out on being a stupid immature kid. A quarter or maybe half of it is my fault, but not all of it. I hold alot of harsh feelings towards the people that I blame for it. It makes life alot more shitty. In all honest I am not really mad at any of them anymore, but the concept and thought still carries along with me from day to day. Well it's off to the store to get some more sun-screen and some nifty hair dye, and then I'm off to lay out...woohoo gettin sun.... Eat Me

This is life as I know it. Thrilling, isn't it? [04 Aug 2002|02:16pm] well i got back from mississippi last night and had to hear about more peoples totally cool summer trips. My grandfather isn't doing to well, I hate to say it but I don't think he will be around too much longer. He really wants to meet Izzy for this reason. Its funny how much he bugs me to bring her. Well she is still in Jamaica, she has probably forgot about me. : ) Well I'm off to Beaumont till tuesday evening for band practice and to pass the time to keep me from going insane. She gets back Friday. It's killing me. I miss her so much. I have a feeling I won't get to talk to her until she gets back, but thats fine cuz...ya....I'm not gonna be picky. I hope she isn't too tan. I don't want to look funny next to her, it's embarassing to be this white. I should go lay out on Wed. and Thurs. and Friday of this week so I can kinda have some sun. Well I'm bummed out for some reason. I'm not sure why. I think it is a mix of alot of things. Well I'm off to eat and take a shower so I can head to beamont. I hope Mr. Wolf will do Cabaret next year. I NEED him too. It would be sooo cooo!!! Eat Me

Vacation Smacation [30 Jul 2002|09:45pm] Well its off Jamaica for Izz for 10 days and off to Mississippi for me for 4 days watch me be soo extatic. Im jealous of everyone who get to go anywhere cool. Ill explain more about this when i get back, if i feel like it. Eat Me

i cant seem to please her....so i just need to need her....but what i must achieve here....is not to squeeze to tight. [25 Jul 2002|12:50am] [ mood | confused ] i need to loosen up, to live more, to have more fun, but i dont know how. I mean izz tells me this and some other people tell me this, but i dont know HOW. thats where I need help. I dont need someone to hold my hand, i just need some HELP.......I know a few steps. I need to do more with my friends and less with izz, i need to depend on her less and not hang on to her so much. I need to let her breathe and I need to breathe myself. I need to not worry, i need to just chill. I know a few things I need to do, but how...how...how. So i chill with some of my friends more....or i do more stuff on my own....so i hang onto her less.....and what else....how do i become more secure about me...and with that I think i will become more relaxes when i loose this concept that everyone is out to hurt me in some way or another. I mean shit. my band pretty much rocks it, and i have a decent voice, im not the best guitar player but i can play, i have alot of good friends, and i will have a damn decent job, but ya....ok.....well.....so i need to become more secure and i need to loosen up....any tips are greatly appreciated.... Eat Me

the end is finally the end i guess it seems this way this time..... [25 Jul 2002|12:38am] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | just silence now..thats all.... ] I think that the word love might be used in my relationship too much, I think im scaring her. I think she thinks im too sensitive. I think she doesn't actually love me, but just says so. I think that she wants to be happier. I think that she might want to date other people. I think maybe i should let her go. I think that she isn't in love with me at all but rather that she just loves me...I think I have gone too far. I think i might have hurt her. I think she would never want a life with me. I think this is inevitably going to end. I think that she isn't sure if love is for her..i think i could be wrong about all of this...maybe its the drugs for my cold, maybe its the hole in my heart, maybe its the vibe im getting.....i think i might have overthought this.....what do you think??? I remember this time when i was having a really bad day and she looked me in the eye and said no matter what just know that I love you and with that you can overcome all of this. It was the most sincere she has ever been, the most truthful I have ever felt her be to me....She told me she loved me, and that nothing else matter except that her and i would relish in our love together and be the happiest most in love people in the world...and that i shouldnt be sad because i have that with her and that i have a mother and sisters who love me too....i remember that day.....now its just a memory. Eat Me

heroes and villains [24 Jul 2002|06:07pm] why is it that i am the villain for being the boyfriend and wanting to see her. I know I feel like shit, but....i just want to see her, even if it is for 5 minutes. Maybe ill cancel the show tomorrow....I know now for sure she isn't gonna make any calls if she even comes, so maybe its not worth playing. I could spend the time with her. Right now i get one more day than everyone else before she leaves. And I should be damn thankful about that fact. Eat Me

Well then....fine.....if thats the way you want it....then so be it. [24 Jul 2002|05:57pm] this morning i was laying in my bed feeling like shit just wanting to call and ask her to come over and just lay with me. It would have made me feel so much better. I haven't really spent time with her since last wed. Its been a week. She leaves for Jamaica in a week, a place in which she will forget I exist. She has the audacity to get on the phone with me and tell me that she will be spending time with other people before she leaves. Leaving 2 days for me to see her. She'll want to go out and do something, I'll end up saying ok and I won't want to do it, but she will, and if it makes her happy then so be it. Eat Me

In No Particular Order [21 Jul 2002|04:56am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | still none ] Seven Songs You Love 01. Our Lady Peace - Clumsy 02. Ours - Bleed 03. VAST - I Don't Have Anything Because I Don't Have You 04. Shel - What Did This Bring Me 05. Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance 06. Nine Inch Nails - The Great Below 07. Depeche Mode - In Your Room Seven Rock Chicks You Love 01. Tori Amos - Tori Amos 02. Avril Lavigne - Avril Lavigne 03. Gwen Stefani - No Doubt 04. The girl from Portished 05. Shirley Manson - Garbage 06. The Chicks from The Donnas (go them) 07. .... izz (hehe) Seven Rock Guys You Love 01. Trent Reznor - Nine Inch Nails 02. Raine Maida - Our Lady Peace 03. Maynard James Keenan - Tool / A Perfect Circle 04. Chris Carabba - Dashboard Confessional 05. Robert Smith - The Cure 06. Bryan Higginbotham - Shel 07. Fran - Travis (the singer) Seven Albums You Love 01. Our Lady Peace - Gravity 02. Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile 03. A Perfect Circle - Mer de Noms 04. Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most 05. Our Lady Peace - Clumsy 06. SecretSunday - Television 07. Matchbox 20 - Yourself or Someone Like You Eat Me

Bells will be ringing..... [21 Jul 2002|04:21am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | ahh no more music for now..... ] Well my sister got married yesterday night, and I had the honor of walking my beautiful and somewhat favorite sister down the isle to meet the best man possible for her. They are a match that cannot be matched. Then I got the honor of showing up to the reception with an equally beautiful if not more beautiful woman. (izz). She was sooo amazing..(both Izzy and Alison). Everything went great, the dress looked amazing, the ceremony went great, the reception was rocking. It was one awesome ceremony and reception. Isabella looked AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL. She always looks beautiful but just like my sister she had this glow to her. Her hair was amazing, her dress was sooo cute, and her shoes were damn cool (just sooo high). Regardless, she looked TO DIE FOR. I hope Chris and Alie (my sister) have a wonderful honeymoon and I know they are gonna have a picture perfect wedding, he adores her so much. As I said to her the other day, I couldn't have asked to walk a more beautiful and wonderful sister down the isle, and I wouldn't be able to find a man who adores and loves her more to hand her over to. Just for the hell of, here is the speech I gave at the rehearsal dinner.... How's everyone doing, I'm Alison's brother Joseph. I never thought I would mention this in public, but some of you may know me better as Dube. As Alison's younger and only brother I had the joy of being tortured by her when I was little. I can't emphasize to all of you how that has made me a much better person in life, I now know that I don't much like having my eyebrows plucked, and that wearing high-heels and clip on ear-rings is MUCH harder than it looks. Thankfully she has grown out of those days. But I just thought I would throw the warning out to Chris. Last summer Alison and Chris had to stay with me while my mother was in Mississippi helping to take care of my grandfather. Most of you will remember that last summer was the summer that the appropriately named tropical storm Allison took its toll on Houston. At the time Alison was living just down the street from me. We all had a growing concern about water entering their house. So Chris and I readied ourselves and headed out into the great abyss much to Alison's dismay. While Chris and I were drudging thru the freezing cold waist high flood water, well not quite waist high on him but you get the point, and staying low to avoid being struck by lighting and pretending to be fearless under the ominous clouds that hung overhead. We had a bonding experience, well actually we just cursed the water for being so cold and made sure that neither of us fell into a manhole, or tripped into the water, not to mention I had to keep a watchful eye out for snakes. Well what really stands out in my mind about that night was the comment that Alison made to Chris and I as we walked out the door. She said "Be careful, (as if that wasn't the obvious Alison thing to say.) I can't have anything happen to the two men in my life." At that moment I knew if Chris was good enough to be a man in Alison's life along side me, then Chris was good enough for my sister. So on that note, I wish you two the best of luck in your marriage. May your days be filled with happiness and may your love always carry that sparkle in the eye that I see today. Best of luck, and most of all you have all my love and wishes. I guess you have to know all of us to really get the effect of it, but lets just say that almost everyone including the most manly of men were fighting back the tears as I read. I myself, the guy who never cries was fairly choked up. I do have the joy of saying that my speech was the only one that brought tears to both Alison, my Mom, and Chris and his mom. Not to mention Izzy, and my (hot shot) cousin Charlie (those were just some of the people who read it before I said it). Well its DAMN late, and its all not over yet. So I'm gonna go get some sleep now. Eat Me

iiiiiiiiiiii ammmmmmmmm sooooooo [19 Jul 2002|01:03am] I AM SO FUCKING PISSED THAT ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.........SOME ONE JUST ASKED ME WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS.....AND YOU KNOW I SAID BECAUSE I LOVE HER......BECAUSE I CARE ALOT ABOUT HER.....BUT SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME.....AND THAT SHE CARES ABOUT ME.,....BUT YOU KNOW......WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS......SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE THAT SHE HURTS ME. Eat Me

ANNNDDD [19 Jul 2002|01:00am] AND TO MAKE IT BETTER...... On her site she is putting up pics and they consists of.....a bunch of pics thennnnn...... one pic of PAUL two pics of STEVE the one picture I REALLY REALLY REALLY dont want her to put on her site and NONE of me Eat Me

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