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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
"Dead" Zed Malignant's LiveJournal:
| Wednesday, August 21st, 2002 | |
| 12:04 am | alien I am still the guy that sits in the back of the class room and is always last to join in on group activities. I am still the wilted flower on the wall. I am still the outcast. Why is it so hard for me to interact with people? A lot of what people say is just for the sake of socialization itself. I sometimes think that these are the doings of people in more simple frames of mind, but if this is so, then why do I have so much trouble with it? I am missing out on things sometimes because I have some ingrained fear of initiating conversation. Why is it so easy for other people and not for me? Creating acquaintances seems like a common human ability. |
| Monday, August 19th, 2002 | |
| 3:15 am | I shall deminish to the South. Missing donut holes and corn dogs. I see that someone that isn't interested in speaking to me still keeps tabs on me. It seems like sometimes I get online with some a... fuck. You know what. Just listen. Where have the spiritual warriors gone? Why am I so weak? I scream and I scream for a million years I scream. Where are my brothers and sisters? The older that I get the less and less the aged seem wise to me. Are the old better off for having experienced more? The fools that you know when they are 12 will still be fools when they are 40. The old have lived so many lives and played so many different roles.. but what has it gotten them? Will they be in a better place when they die? If I live until the powers that be take me out, am I better off than if I were to put a gun to my head and take my own life? I think that I would be a good candidate for a cult member. I want so badly to find something that seems greater than my self. My girl is ill. Nothing matters to me. Nothing truly matters. Death by torture is nothing. Bliss until death is nothing. You still just die? I have read about others who have supposedly gotten some great insight from some godly place by taking certain actions. This world is fucked. The shallow have control in this age. We are bombarded with depictions of sex and violence. Most are in this place anyway......... What the fuck is this 50's rock shit. The Vines, The Hives, The White Stripes, & ect. It is good music and all but it doesn't deserve the attention that it is getting. Why don't they just go ahead and play the Rolling Stones or something. Rock is boring and over done. I don't much care for hip hop but I am glad for it. It was something new, but now it is old as well. Pretty faces. I want to fuck so many pretty faces. They should just go ahead and put cocks in the mouths of all the perfect faces on the magazines. In an honest world all media would be pornographic gore. It is porn. *Sulfuric dreams capitulate with monstrous walls Sick decrepit splinters oscillate between indifferences Pornographic cities immaculate & virtuous to the conditioned Gluttony of sheep emaciate the goat by: Zed Malignant |
| Sunday, August 11th, 2002 | |
| 5:58 pm | Event Horizon All I do anymore is work. At least I have a job I guess. It sucks though because I can't ever go to my class on a regular basis. I love my class. I am hardly ever online anymore. Maybe that is a good thing. I unplugged the cable from my tv again. We'll see how long that lasts. I keep forgetting that I did that and keep trying to turn it on. I don't want the tv there. I don't have a ton of free time anymore, and so I think that I should spend it in some way other than TV. The tv is evil. I am growing my hair long again. It is almost long enough to get all back into a pony tail again. I like it. I feel like I am losing IQ points. I don't ever discuss anything anymore with anyone. Maybe I should start trying to read more. My social interaction is limited to "Would you like that in a bag?", and hearing gossip that I really couldn't care less about from my co-workers. Everything makes me go "hmm". What is this leading toward? Is this helping me on my journey? Where have the true spiritual warriors gone? I want to join their band, but I can not find them. So, here I coagulate. |
| Thursday, August 1st, 2002 | |
| 3:41 am | MY COCK MISSED YOU. haha. Men leave me alone. oh man. i was trying to have a moment. Is it fear? I feel fear sometimes. ...and then i FEEL a presence. ...and I see things. I can't put a finger on what exactly... but I do see little pieces of things. Maybe it is from bashing myself in the head. I always feel things when I fear though. I think that the tv is evil. This computer is evil. There is a part of me that wants to chuck all this mechanical shit. It is all evil to me sometimes. i should be a warrior i should be should a credit to dementia GONG g |
| Friday, July 19th, 2002 | |
| 8:01 am | ai key thought Yin & Yang. There can be no light without the dark side. A symbolic representation in style of dress... The top is light and the bottom is dark. The differences in shade meet in the middle at their mid sections, forming a ring around their point of balance. It is at this point of convergence where their power comes from. Do not indulge in one side or the other and remain aware of both. Balance is power. |
| Thursday, July 18th, 2002 | |
| 1:35 am | Horror movies rock. I love them. "Death is just dying comming to an end." I clean shit. I hate you. |
| Friday, July 5th, 2002 | |
| 3:18 pm |  What era of Trent Reznor are you? Take the What Trent Are You? quiz to find out! Quiz by  chameleon669 |
| Saturday, June 29th, 2002 | |
| 1:47 pm | Adder a train away snake on her finger snake in her hair why is she not here it isn't fair a billennium in a second metal claws graze my silk soul she is gone rend in me Serpents swirl inside devouring themselves Eat Fuck Eat Fuck Eat Fuck (& lay eggs) Tequila Sun Rise over me until she returns pickle me voodoo doll house malignant sun madonna burn samurai fun I will kill you track track I am yours Please come back |
| Sunday, June 23rd, 2002 | |
| 5:41 pm | locust Piss & vinegar midnight air The drones have ticked and tocked before flocking to the cinema, bright lights, and beer Costumes have been shed & regrown Now is the prize in glorious forgetful nocturne Madness! Expulsion! I can hear the screaming in glazed over "Thank you"s & "Good day"s It is subtle but clear. We revel in a haze of rebellious distraction Where have the warriors gone? |
| Wednesday, June 19th, 2002 | |
| 6:09 pm | I am not a sheep. I am a goat.  Which flock do you follow? this quiz was made by alanna |
| 6:01 pm | When I get home I just want to sleep. |
| Sunday, June 16th, 2002 | |
| 5:20 pm | Inward backward I FUCK YOU YOU STUPID SUPERFICIAL HOT TOPIC FUCKS! I HATE YOUR SELF WORSHIPING SELVES. YOU ARE SHIT. NO ONE WITH ANY BRAINS IN THEIR HEAD GIVES A SHIT WHAT THE HELL YOU LOOK LIKE, OR WHAT MUSIC YOU LISTEN TO. DO NOT STAND THERE AND GIVE ME YOUR SNOTTY ATTITUDE. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN I AM? DO YOU HAVE A BETTER JOB? IS YOUR DADDY A LAWYER? DID HE BUY THAT SPARKLY PINK SHIRT AND THOSE NERDY GLASSES FOR YOU? YES I AM TRASH. YES I AM SHIT, BUT I AM BETTER THAN YOU AND I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I MAY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE BUT I HAVE ALSO ALWAYS BEEN MY SELF. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? TO BE YOUNG IS NOTHING. TO BE YOUNG IS TO BE A LESSER YOU OF THE FUTURE. SKINNY TRENDY GAP MEDIA MAINSTREAM WHORES! YES I LOOK LIKE A THUG, SO WHAT? YES I AM OVER 22 AND STILL LIVE WITH MY MOMMY, SO WHAT? YES THE BEST THAT I CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS TO WORK AT A GAS STATION. SUCK MY DICK. TREND PEDDLERS. WHAT YOU'RE ONLY BUYING ONE CD??? YOU AREN'T GOING TO BUY A T-SHIRT? YES YOU FUCKING CUNT! GOD DAMN IT SOMETIMES I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. I WANT TO RAPE. I WANT TO KILL, and disfigure... Why do things still bother me so... by the time I was 12 I had already come to the conclusion that most of what people filled their lives with was meaningless and pointless. This is severly depressing. Why isn't it the trend to go to church, or meditate or something? Why isn't it cool to boycott buying materials made in sweat shops? At least you would have something deeper to inflate your ego with. If you are so great, little girl, then why is it that you have spent so much time doing your hair that way? Is that something that is very important? In the grand scheme of things is it important that you are a snazzy dresser? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I am not my job. I am not my image. I am not a spokesperson for my race. I am not a representative of my age group. I am me. Be you, and leave me alone. |
| Saturday, June 15th, 2002 | |
| 6:48 pm | Geeze. I haven't looked at this for a while. I need to not type when I am drinking. Hehe. A part of me wants to stop drinking... but no. I don't see the real harm in having something to drink from time to time. I did get a little too drunk that night though. It was in celebration of my sister getting hitched though, so... what the hell. I now have a job. It's a crappy one but it's a job. So long. |
| Sunday, June 9th, 2002 | |
| 2:28 am | I don't even know how I signed on to this shit I am so fucking smashed. My sister got married today. Fucking syntax fuck. YAY! hehe. Why am I online? Bleh. Fuck you nerd asses anyway. Online is bull shit. lol. I am a fucking nerd! I love me. Bye bye. . |
| Tuesday, June 4th, 2002 | |
| 2:10 am | asshole Isn't Brittany Murphy a cute girl? I am sure that no one will have any idea who I am talking about. ah. |
| Thursday, May 30th, 2002 | |
| 11:10 am | Something that I sat down and typed out this morning... I don't know for what purpose exactly... Morality: Some would say that it is good to have a certain moral conscience so that God may look well upon them. You will be cast down into the flames of hell if you do not abide by the rules set out by prophets who God him/herself spoke through, and rewarded with eternal bliss if you do. For others who believe in karma there is also a system of punishment and reward that governs over the consequences of their actions. I myself would lean more toward idea of karma, but I find the idea more problematic to acquiesce to when put into more rigid terms. The world is very complex. The evil are not always necessarily punished, at least not in this life, and the good at heart at times lead harsh and miserable lives. It is true though that if you put out a particular vibe that it is more likely that your energy will be returned in kind than not. There are probably those who would disagree with this and argue that people are terrible creatures by nature, but at this time I would say to them that they are closed minded to the goodness that does exist. I think that thinking of things in terms of good and evil limits our realities, and so when I use these words I am using them more to describe a mood, or whether or not something is beneficial on a wider scope. Things are, but can change. It is rather nonsensical to me to behave in a debase manner. This is not to say that I am perfect in the least, but I do strive to be a good person in general. Things have a tendency to repeat themselves within the human psyche. A need for chaos can be cycled through many generations. Someone who grew up watching their father beat their mother have this social interaction imprinted upon them. The child may grow up to be relatively well adjusted, but the likely-hood of them involving themselves in a similar relationship, to that of their parents, is greater. Most would agree that this sort of a relationship is a negative one, and that it would be a benefit to all if it did not exist. The child knows better than anyone that this is not a good route to take, and yet some still travel down it. Why is this? In part, a transference of energy? Common sense dictates that if you conduct yourself in a positive way that not only will it be a benefit to yourself, but also to the world. The world affects you; does it not? As to whether or not a good sense of morality would help a person to become more spiritually developed, I do not know. It does make sense to me though to think that it would be easier for a person to become more in touch with the world if they were more at ease with themselves. Negativity is something that is stemmed from some sort of inner turmoil, and so it would follow that a mindset that is more peaceful and "good" would be beneficial to a spiritual seeker. How can our souls become more open to the messages that the powers that be are sending us when we are wrapped up in ourselves and our mundane problems? On the other hand maybe it is that internal struggle that makes us stronger. Maybe emotional extremes somehow help us to become aware of a wider slice of reality. Could indulgence in the mundane and a greater amount of experience with the physical world help to prepare us better for that which lies beyond? Maybe both can be true. |
| Wednesday, May 29th, 2002 | |
| 4:29 pm | I am deprived. AAAAAHHHHH! I HATE MYSELF. I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP ALL DAY ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE AWAKE AND SLEEP AT NIGHT LIKE NORMAL PERSON. I HATE FEELING ALL WACKED OUT AND OUT OF IT. I never have a real reason to get up and stay up in the day time so then I don't.... I am weak. It feels soo good to fall asleep when you haven't slept in a long long time... especially when you should be awake... but then I always hate myself. I need to fucking get up and turn in applications and sign up for classes and shit in the day time. But no, I have to be like "I'll just lay down for a little bit and get up a little later so I will feel better." Does that EVER work? No. FUCK. |
| Saturday, May 25th, 2002 | |
| 4:20 am | idol demon black kill cloth catch buldge meat fear pain filth circle youth tainted blood is A moment ago I was feeling mad. I was feeling very mad. I am still feeling a bit mad. A man reached out to me. Don't become your partner. Blue balls are bouncing. Beware. Somewhere out there, there is a rapist who walks free. Revolutionary pains are the most sickly. Is it the human condition to teach your anguish to others? You there... You there reading this. You know who you are. Stop the cycle. Current Mood:  crazyCurrent Music: Equilibrium |
| 1:31 am | PEACE |
| 1:23 am | THE LORD GIVETH & AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY The Eagle's Emanations are the Eagle's gift. The universe is made up of infinite fibers. Contained within each of us are some of those fibers. We are connected to the universe. We are the universe. All things are. |