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Sunday, October 21st, 2001
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9:09 pm - ...
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3:14 pm - Condemn, Seduce, Destroy...
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Though the world may seem perfect on the outside, the things inside haunt me still. Endlessly, the nagging on one side of my soul holds another from making the wrong mistakes. Yet still, it cannot be done right. Sometimes I think i'm too dominant, perhaps too controlling. But if wanting to make someone happy make me those things, then where should the line be drawn? I don't get upset easily, especially over something so trivial as what type of movies someone rented, a fixable mistake on a license or the fact that the person I love would want to go to sleep, since we arent doing anything. It makes no sense to me, but i'm sure someone out there gets it.
Certain people keep calling me or worse...just showing up. There are certain things I just don't want to do...mostly, relive the past.
I have found inspiration through all this, if there will be another scaythe album, I know who and what it'll be about. It's too early to bring that to fruitation, there are plenty of meaningless tracks...but i'll start anew, that is, if i have the time.
My personal life is full of things...thing I can't speak of here.
There are just some things I need to figure out...
current mood:  quixotic
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2001
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11:01 pm - thinking of you...
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I can't stop thinking about the past, I don't know what's come over me. For hours I have run nothing thru my head but images of what could have been, what never was....
I need catharsis but it will not be gound here. I think about the people I hurt and the people that hurt me...
Heather almost tore away my sole, my will to live. Why? Because I was addicted. Addicted to the fucking sex. The rank smell of her cunt. In hindsight it disgusts me. But I was addicted to that scuzzy piece of white trash...I was addicted to her ever-willingness to spread her legs...for anyone...Ultimatly, it just...hurt....
Catherine, Oh my sweet Catherine. What didn't you take away from me? It still aches sometimes to know all the thing you've done. To know how you willingly sacrificed any form of happiness...just for your own security, just so your parents wouldn't hate you. When I stood with you on that beach I said a prayer and threw my necklace into the sea as an offer of good faith, just to be able to hold you near. That was taken from me by you selfishness, you egotistical need to be elite and goth-as-fuck. Catherine, you'll never see this and i'm glad you'll never know just how much i hate you. How my love, as perverse as it was, turned into such dire regret for ever muttering your name. But, you made me who I am, you evoked this change in me...
Heather, you got your wish, when catherine left I was not happy, I felt such pain. But I know now it was for the best.
Brandy, wherever you are, i'm sure you're high as fuck and enjoying every minute of it. I have nothing to say to you, other than the fact that you meant nothing, absolutly nothing all. You were a receptical for my vile sperm, feel good in the knowlege that I even cared that much.
I am a monster, I can't escape my own nature. I have told lies none should believe/ I have claimed to be forever. Just for the sake of my overactive hormones. Even now, somewhere deep in my mind, I just feel the need to stick my dick in something. I hate that part of myself. I hate the wiring in my brain.
Christina, Peurto-Rican goddess, friend of the family, I'm glad you'll never see this...if you knew my thoughts I'd never see you again. IThe truth is, I have admired your beauty from afar, I have felt needs any MAN would, when im near you. You were the only one to ever say NO and I thank you. I thank you for being a friend and nothing else, for always putting me in my place, Christina, I thank you for keeping me at least partially human. I thank you for saving my life....I owe you more than anyone will ever know.
But still, I have yet to reach Catharsis, I can't feel....i cant feel....
Dear lord, you stupid overlord....what is the purpose of my derangement, why am I so torn on the inside,.
maube it's my youth, my hormones, I jist don't lnpw/ My body is fucked up in more ways than I like to admit, I know I'm dying and that's my only recorse. The only thing I know for certin is that I will die. Alone. It doesn't make me bitter, but disappointed in the amout of care others provide. Maybe I am no better. I know I am no better than anyone else. I have hurt people as I have been hurt. I have taken for granted the trust engendered to me. I have forsaken my own gifts, In foolishness, Selfishness.
Sam, I miss you luke the brother I never had, You were my best friend for just over a year,,,yet,,we were bonded. We had a connection few musicians do. as odd as it may sound to you or anyone, I love you. You brought my passion for music to life. Without you, i'd still be a nobody. I wish we could work together again...but you have your son...and I wouldn't dare take you away from that. Be the best father you can, its more than I ever had.
Chris, you're fucking insane, but you have talent. I have a feeling you might read this, but i won't sugarcoat it. You have been for this past year, the tuest friend I have ever had. While we might not agree on a song or a lyric, we figure some shit out and whatever we do, no matter how stupid, sounds good to my ears. You don't know it, but I think if we focussed our gifys, we could do something incredible. It might be mainstream, it might not be different, but it would be incredible.
Laura, what can I say, in the short time you've been here, i have learned more than you could know. You say you love me more than I can cout, but Iove you more than there are numbers. You have no idea how the pin of the past tears at my psyche. Everyday, I find myself enamored by your presence. I have hurt you more than any words can say...and even if you dont know it, i feel it.you are the single light left in my life. you are my....hope..without you, everything just falls apart. I am sorry for what i have done, i truly am, beyond words, don;t ever leave me...
you'd tear down whatver little struvture is left in my mind. you keep me from being a monster. If you hurt me...i wouldnt be able to stop myself from hurting others...
im sorry fpr saying any of this...im sorry for being born...
vinnie, im not the boy who cried wolf...
im the boy who cried..."I never should have been at all...."
im just like...everyone....else...
sam, vinnie, chris....
I only wanted to be a part of something.........
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: The sweet sounds of cars going by...
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| Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
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1:09 pm - Something Sacred...
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There is a war going on inside my head, i do things i'm not proud of, I live a life I didn't choose. I often wish to return to my childhood, or at least a time when things were so much easier. But I've burned those bridges long ago. When I was a boy I wanted so much to grow up and make my own choices, to be secure and in charge of my own life. I pissed away my teens with drugs and alcohol and no I'm about to hit 20, my teen angst is transfered to 'real' angst and hindsight is much more accurate then my own depthless vision. I don't think about the past much any more, i hurt as much as i've ever hurt. The passing of my grandfather has amplified this further, my childhood is good...I can never be who I was. I have finally come to a fork in the road. I wanted to grow up so fast that when the time finally came to make my own decisions...i crumbled..I absolutly failed. I've realized i'm terrible at making decisions and my actions are sometimes beyond my control. Sometimes I don't even know who I am, because I can never be who I am.
My dreams are distant and obscure and all I do, they're never pure.
I didn't ask for this body...
I didnt ask for this soul...
I wasnt meant to feel this...
I wasnt meant to be unwhole...
I'll live on, i'll strive for what I cannot reach...
But I wish the battle-scars of the past could be forgoteen...
Because they still ache in me....
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| Monday, June 18th, 2001
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12:17 pm - heh...
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going to see ohgr in atlanta this friday...i'm quite pleased
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11:38 am - A thought...
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Contemplate if you will the decaying orbit of the mind, revolution, revelation, it's all the same nuclear bombs and games of the insane. Time will show it's ugly head but not before your heart is dead, everything comes crashing down you'll lose it all if you don't watch out. Broken heart and bleeding hole, given time to save my soul, the bitter grip of all that is still can't tell me where it's been.
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| Monday, June 11th, 2001
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12:55 am - Life
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Life is a series of struggles and after we struggle through life we learn that life is a lesson, if we are fortunate enough to learn all we can...we realize that we know nothing, when we realize we know nothing...we struggle through life. Point being, cherish what you have, don't give up without a fight....better yet...don't give up at all.
Life is meant to be lived, do with it what you will...
current mood:  grateful
current music: Staind - Waste
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| Sunday, June 10th, 2001
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11:18 am - It's like jerry mcguire or something
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Open mission statement:
Sometime I think this area is starting to lack of creativity, but in these moments of apathy, I also recognize my own blindness. It's difficult, very difficult to look at music websites and not see at least two bands, from this area. Musicians in this area have covered the Internet, myself included, yet..I see bands I've never heard nor seen live. By my figures there are at least 50 serious bands creating music in and around central Florida. Where are all the show? The venue support? From what I can tell, it's all due to a lack of 'real world' promotion. The Internet is a big and strong storefront, but it can't be the only source of advertising. Let's face it, as underground as we may be and as much as we bash pop-music, we ourselves strive for such recognition of our art. The world of popular music is the way that it is due to the fact that it's ever-present, it's hard to turn ones head without hearing or seeing references to the latest teen dream or heartthrob. Simply because of marketing. While none of us have the funds for such a campaign, it comes with time and effort. If one were to analyze trends they'd realize that pop-music isn't on top because it's simple or 'happy and shiny', it's on top because the herd mentality is unaware of what creeps along the edges of their vision. With the right exposure, with enough time and a media outlet....we could see a return to popular art, real music written by those performing it. All it takes is promotion and putting aside our egos to help other bands.
In conclusion, when SATErecords launches this August, we will indiscriminately promote or speak highly of any artists or bands who we've had the pleasure of hearing...regardless of genre, label or independence. This scene must come together to survive.
I don't know if this will make sense to any of you, but it's just my opinion...
you had me at hello....tear...
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Art Bell Coast to Coast AM
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| Saturday, June 9th, 2001
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12:02 pm - Good afternoon...
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I haven't slept this late in over 6 months, need to get some vocals done today, I hope my tongue stops hurting...heh. It was a long night. I'm still waiting for Vinnie to get back to me on that demo, his professional opinion is really the one I take most seriously. I have to get something new done today though, something from scratch.
Ugh...waking up is hard to do....more later...
current mood:  groggy
current music: Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works vol.2
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| Friday, June 8th, 2001
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10:57 am - Don't say I didn't tell you so...
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Didn't get as much done last night as I wanted to, but here it is, as promised, a NEW mp3. This is an early mix, but as you may have noticed, our production quality has jumped in leaps and bounds these last few months...
If you think it sounds mainstream, well...hey, i'm shooting for some label attention here...
Download Click, Clique, Cliche:
Scaythe @ Besonic
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| Thursday, June 7th, 2001
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7:41 pm - Off to the studio...
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Welp, I've passed most of the day with various forms of entertainment...chain-smoking, watching The Red Violin, chain-smoking, watching old Star Trek episodes, sex, chain-smoking..I think it's about time I got some work done...heh....
current mood: amused
current music: The sound of sucking on a cigarette...
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10:51 am - Stress gone...
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Just had some sex...Incredible sex...
I feel much better now...
current mood:  loved
current music: Scaythe - Failure
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10:18 am - The day after...
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Kinda wondering what i'm going to do in the way of a monetary solution, job's are a dime a dozen, what I do during the day matters very little to me. It's the studio that matters. So as long as I find something decent for around 8 bucks an hour, I don't care. I still have another full check and some back pay coming from my previous employer, so I have about a month to find a job. All in all...I think i'll manage.
All in all, my love life has been interesting...My father insists on calling my girlfriend my fiance' I don't think she likes it that much, but I think my parents just want me to settle down...who knows...
Anyways, since i'm OFF today, I think i'll catch up on some mixing...and maybe, just maybe...get a new demo online fore everyone to hear...
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| Wednesday, June 6th, 2001
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11:46 pm - Just some recent lyrics...
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A newer Scaythe track, Enjoy!
What you see is what you get.
What you love you'll soon forget.
A superficial everything.
A love affair of in-betweens.
When all of it comes crashing down,
you'll be the last one to get out...
Don't say I didn't tell you so...oh oh....
The underground is just a fad.
So many yuppies acting sad.
All of it's so meaningless.
Can't you lay it down to rest.
'Cause all the others say it's cool.
To sit around and play the fool.
Don't say I didn't tell you so.
everybody knows your name,
if you fit in their cliche.
Dancing around in P.V.C.
It's so damn lame but you can't see.
The DJ plays the same shit songs,
while you twitch like nothing's wrong.
Don't say I didn't tell you so...oh oh...
Dare I speak such honest words,
I'm not the one that's so absurd.
All your friends form one big clique,
It doesn't mean I give a shit.
You're so full of angst, so full of rage.
You're just like me during the day...
Don't say I didn't tell you so...
goodnight...
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11:27 pm - Penis, Punch and Pie....
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I'm a hermit, really. I've had a few of these journals and I've forgotten half of the usernames. Ahh well, you shouldn't take too seriously the things I say on here. Nothing is sacred, least of all my thoughts. I've learned alot about truth and honesty these past few days. Got terminated for something I never did, nor said. It's a pain in the ass, nothing pisses me off faster than having words put into my mouth.
Music is going along beautifully now, lodek is up to 7 complete songs, meanwhile I have 20 Scaythe tracks waiting to be mastered. There isn't much point in mastering the Scaythe disc until I can get some income for pressing the CD's though. I do have enough, however, to do a limited CDr run of the Lodek CD when it's ready.
Only time will tell, I wish I had some Tequila right now...
I'm tired of all the bullshit....
current mood: tired
current music: Lodek - Cockwillow
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