Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in CrystalBeth's LiveJournal:

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Monday, November 12th, 2001
11:01 am	Oooh Girl Isn't he just bootylicious? can't wait till next month... Current Mood: excited Current Music: Nine Inch Nails- Reptile *live* (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 11th, 2001
5:36 am	Glad it wasn't as Pointless as I expected. Clarification has never been so painless. As i had my own devil on my right shoulder, angel on my left, i was really able to tell where i stood. *~*~*~ As the scenary passed as quickly as walking would permit, i wholeheartedly buried my reluctance. I can't question what was in question any longer. Makes sense, huh? Feels good though. To just accept. To just realize that we're all going to make our little mistakes. And our big ones. And in all of it, we are going to need each other. Glad i was able to put to rest all my demons. Very glad. *~*~*~ Now only to keep a couple of things under control...Some are easier to master than others...Because, really, how to control something you have no understanding of? All i know is that i can't feel guilty. For any of it. *~*~*~ "I'm so gothic i smoke cloves in the shower" hehe. Current Mood: rejuvenated Current Music: The Cure- A Short Term Effect (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
10:20 am	*Giggle, Giggle, Snort Snort* (Yeah, what a....umm...riot) From : "Scott Ryan" To : "Rose" Subject : Hope you get a good laugh out of this :) Date : Mon, 5 Nov 2001 17:23:58 -0800 Reply Reply All Forward Delete Put in Folder...InboxSent MessagesDraftsTrash Can Printer Friendly Version basically.. I was trying to test the program out when I first set it up... so it didn't know my voice very well... and it kept messing up what I was saying.. so I kept going cause it was busting me up... here's what the program came up with off of what I was saying to it. The parts that actually make sence it got right... but there is a lot there that just came out weird, but me and jessie thought it was so funny that I saved it. Her high as shown by the night sky, was depicted in the utter insanity of the stock of her for the populations in sentencing mole and unfolds in mergers forensic science and chunks of balls to be devised as drones while pathologists own the Mont Blanc Beaulieu and all... Somehow all of the signs were overlooked and no one noticed but everyone noticed but no one noticed. And as they all died I laughed I smiled at them. The stock might take you for a computer, some of the page aside... post the right one. Have them never be told of the Knights Justice and deny such as this and be too long forgotten. Fathom the intellect to where they hide themselves, shining in the encompassing whereabouts and criticizes on a movie like Tarzan. Where this vicinity, and her own, will be no bounds lest they create bounds upon themselves. And no one noticed in leaving as they disappeared into the correctness of the eternal beauty of all that was depicted in their dreams... They all shined on forever. Hmm...It wasn't even stupid funny. Blah. Current Mood: predatory Current Music: Tori Amos- Cornflake Girl (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 30th, 2001
8:55 am	"As Blood Drips from the Neon Lighting..." lol. I just read the most gothic thing ever. lol. this guy takes the prize. I'd quote it but i fear someone would recognize it, somehow, and like, kill me. so i won't. Basically, just trying too hard to be dark and describing..fuck, describing the process of taking out the trash would sound like a descent into hell with this guy. Heehee. ^_^ Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:47 am	Buddiless and moneyless...and job hunting sucks. Edgar's parents never signed the permission slip. no best buddy for me. >:[ How funny would it be to take a trip down to ball acura and find me sitting at the receptionist desk with that little headset on, typing away? hehe. that might very well end up being the case... Tori's in less than a month now. and trent's new stuff isn't for like, 12039182490812364287426 years...so he can just...go away. blah blah blah. Alright, methinks it's time to just go and breathe somewhere on the other end of the house...yep. Current Mood: ARGH Current Music: Frank Sinatra... ?? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
9:13 pm	Few come within the compass of my curse,-- Wherein I did not some notorious ill, As kill a man, or else devise his death, Ravish a maid, or plot the way to do it, Accuse some innocent and forswear myself, Set deadly enmity between two friends, Make poor men's cattle break their necks; Set fire on barns and hay-stacks in the night, And bid the owners quench them with their tears. Oft have I digg'd up dead men from their graves, And set them upright at their dear friends' doors, Even when their sorrows almost were forgot; And on their skins, as on the bark of trees, Have with my knife carved in Roman letters, 'Let not your sorrow die, though I am dead.' Tut, I have done a thousand dreadful things As willingly as one would kill a fly, And nothing grieves me heartily indeed But that I cannot do ten thousand more. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Titus Andronicus (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 21st, 2001
10:14 pm	I'm so .... *makes a face* I read it all today and i was actually disappointed to find myself mentioned the way i was mentioned..i had hoped it would be with more care..but i was merely a passing thought. "You're such an amazing person. What you're doing...it's so beautiful." "Thank you...It means a lot to hear something like that when others are trying to shoot you down" "Don't listen to them. fuck them. They wouldn't understand...." Then..."yeah talked to her today i guess" I guess, i guess ... i guess you can't even begin to try and plan things out...that's what i get for hoping that i was right. Argh. I really am falling back into my bad habits. I need a reminder...i really do. Someone to slap me around a few times Current Mood: rejected Current Music: Silverchair- Ana's song (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 18th, 2001
11:34 pm	Please tell me Or answer my add in the paper... "katrina mer" Current Mood: anxious Current Music: trentrentrentrent (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 17th, 2001
10:28 pm	Ok, Ok you're right. Are you happy? Yes, i do shut off anything that might be real. No, i don't think it will last. Yes, i feel apprehensive and sick. No, I will not change my mind. Yes, i know you can't control how you feel about things. No, i don't like feelings. Yes, i wish i could throw them all away. No, i don't want it to end. Yes, I know it will. (Pull my hair out now). Current Mood: scared Current Music: Tori Amos- In the Springtime of *his* Voodoo (Comment on this)
10:27 pm	Oh Yuck *whispers*- "come closer and i'll lie to you. please don't trust me." Current Mood: scared Current Music: Tori Amos- In the Springtime of his Voodoo (Comment on this)
Monday, October 15th, 2001
10:16 pm	*pbth* Eww, I hate being in this constant state of ickiness. Katie's cds cheered me up a lot though...lol, mulan, trent, and n sync, all on the same disk. Quite remarkable. =) And today the wherehouse gave me a beautiful tori promo poster ...double sided...that made me happy as well. How materialistic am i? haha... Psats tomorrow...yuck. Boring, boring..and more boring. It really sucks. A lot. I'm not sure why i'm still icky. I'm not mad. I can say that right now. I'm just...yeah. I guess it's an accumulation (of course i spelled that one wrong) of a ton of things..and then i had to read that fucking article which really made me analyze absolutely everything now. Trying to put reasons on why well, ya, fill in the blank. Then i think about it and friendship doesn't have justification; it's just there. And thinking, really deep thinking, is dangerous when you don't want to have to justify anything...And that's what's been happening really. I don't make sense but i think y'all follow. Well, the people who i'm pretty much speaking to anyhow. "And while my candle burns at both ends, I wear my heart on my gun (a force to be reckoned with)" I think that's about it for now...goodnight...and umm...yeah, goodnight. Current Mood: sore Current Music: Alanis Morissette- Uninvited (live and acoustic) (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 14th, 2001
10:27 am	Shut off my common sense and let me Go The more that I think about it, the more I realize that the more I try to let go of my conscience and say bluntly what is true, the more I am lying to myself. Of all the pent up anger and hurt, only a tiny fraction will escape with "i'm sorry's" around the edges. So, yes, I think she's a total bitch. And I'll say it here and now because I doubt I ever will again. And how willingly you go along with her, doing flips and barking like a sea otter being recompensated, is rather sad. and rather stomach-turning. And how could you possibly be so oblivious...or was it that you didn't care because you were under the magical blanket...behind that wall that separated you from the rest of us....how did you not see all of our confusion and disappointment... And while all of this merits some anger, it's the real fact of the matter that is the problem...How about a little appreciation? No bowing down and kissing the ground, dear, but a simple thank you would've been spectacular. Current Mood: Disgusted Current Music: Fiona Apple- Paper Bag (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 12th, 2001
11:33 pm	Shiseido Red strikes Again Big bad scarlet voo doo doll... a pox on it! A PLAGUE ON IT! ha! Well, I think i've never been so ....out of it . So totally and utterly taken over by ...annoyance. I think it was all handled very badly...considering who's "thing" it was to handle..not mine to be sure. Segregation is not cool. It was us blacks vs. the "whites"... I don't like the getting the feeling, idea, or whatever that what is normally acceptible..what is normally "ok" and is considered FUN for this doll...it's just, not enough. it's stupid tonight. all of it. and boy was i glad that i had some witnesses to prove me un-insane.. No sir, I am not happy with the path it all took. And no sir, not under any circumstances will this doll be allowed into my...realm again. It makes me so very uncomfortable to know that there's someone peeking around in your world... since 40% of people enjoy nosing in your medicine cabinets...oh scrutiny is never fun, but becomes more unnerving when your most familiar friend is joining right in. couldn't just leave her to fend for herself, eh? would've been too much for her, eh? couldn't pay no nevermind to the rest of the world, eh? It's easy to be hypnotized by the beauty that isn't there Current Mood: nauseated Current Music: Nine Inch Nails- No, You Don't (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
3:17 pm	Let me know Please tell me if there's anything more heartbreaking than to see someone you care about so down and out and knowing that you had even the slightest bit involvement in their sadness. If you can name me something worse, something that makes you feel more rotten, do me a favor and let me know. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:08 pm	and when I only meant for the best... Ouch. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Madonna- "nobody's perfect" (Comment on this)
Monday, October 8th, 2001
10:02 pm	Decieved and Deeply hurt I am not understanding this deep need to fill your lungs with this wretched stuff that does nothing for you...all effects are psychological. NO, i am not talking out of my ass, i have done so much research that my eyes are bleeding. It is such a weakness and a pathetic way to cope with shit. I'm sorry but it is. And any ex-smoker will acknowledge it. Don't fucking argue with me because i'm not in the mood to hear it. And please, if you're reading this journal, don't be like "fuck this" because i posted all this on here for a reason. So take the time to read it...i know most people will be afraid to because it's real and affects them in such a real way. I find it so hard *and sad* to believe that only ONE of my friends is healthy and clean. one. uno. Une. that is it. And i applaud her so much...sooooo much for that. And the rest of you..well, fuck. there is so much that i have to say to two people in particular but i'm not going to. i"m just going to share some of the most intersting stuff i've found. (and let it smack you in the face, it'll do you some good...think about one person that's died...and multiply that by the thousands) - smoking is the leading preventable cause of death in the US -It causes 400,000 deaths a year and kills more people than aids (think of your aids walk efforts...and this is something you can fucking help), alcohol, drug abuse, car crashes, murders, suicides, and fires COMBINED. all together. When you think of all the deadly car crashes you hear about on the radio...and go "fuck that is so many people" think about this -80% of adult smokers started under the age of 18...60% of these people will die before they hit 60 years of age. -Every day, 3,000 people (a whole high school, a rather large one) under the age of 18 become regular smokers. -Of the deaths caused by smoking: lung cancer 120,000, Other cancer 31,000, Stroke 23,000, Other diagnoses 30,000, Chronic Lung disease, 65,000, Ischemic Heart Disease, 99,000...This is all anually. So add these deaths together, 368,000, divide by 365 (simple math really)= 1008 deaths per day caused by smoking.Whoops there goes half of hilltop high because they all needed to smoke oh so badly to be cool. wait, let's break it down more. 1008 deaths a day / 24= 42 people die per hour from smoking. break it down more? One person dies every two minutes from smoking. Sit in class tomorrow, look at the clock. Every other time that ugly little red crosses the "12" on the clock, someone else, as cool as you, said goodbye to their world because they lit up a ciggy one too many times. -ok so when you smoke, you're not only fucking yourself over, but everyone that's with you. how cliche to bring that up i know but 43 of the chemicals in tobacco smoke cause cancer. How horrible to find out someone you love has cancer but to know you're the one that gave it to them, wonderful eh? And 3,000 people die anually from tobacco smoke exposure. So don't be too insulted if no one wants to be around you... -1/2 of teenagers who are currently smoking will die from disease caused by tobacco before the age of 50. -Higher risks of Influenza complications, hearing loss, depression *and you thought it helped ease it, didn't you?*, neck pain, stomach ulcer, impotence (a boy's worst nightmare) but who needs a happy penis when they have NO TEETh or brown teeth..mmm...sexy. -90% of all men who die from lung cancer were smokers -of ALL THE DEATHS in the us. every day. all the deaths. from everything. Smoking causes 20% of them. and it's not even something inevitable. all this will, obviously, piss off all the smokers reading this. because) 1) they will not want to admit this is true. "it will not happen to me" "i have control and i don't need it and i say when i stop" "there's nothing to worry about" "statistics are bullshit" "it's only for now until i get stress under control" "i fit in better" "it helps my depression..i feel better afterwards" 2) Smokers will be very defensive when they read this. They will think it is an attack on them personally. an attack on who they are. this is simply an attack on the mental "craving" to smoke...that's it. Sprinting for 3 minutes will provide you with the same effects. 3. They know i'm right. They know i have credibility and personal...shit in this field. And credibility can be seen as SUCH a threat to someone who has a problem admitting when they're doing they shouldn't be doing..and can't explain why they're doing it...just love the rush. keep in mind that this bothers me only, that i did this only, because i care...ya know, if this were say..the manwhore, think i'd give a shit? you don't see me posting alcoholism statistics on here because i could care less. and i think it's brave of certain people to tell me what's going on and open up for my opinions...because i can be such a bitch..and i really appreciate the openness. And i think that Some people are such chickenshit for trying to hide stuff from me...rather unsuccessfully...and i think i'm done now because i'm going to argue myself into an early coma...especially since i'm technically arguing with no one but can already hear everyone's complaints and justifications and arguments and all that good stuff. Good night. And i don't ever want another defense for smoking ever again. Tell yourself, tell the other 4.999999999999 billion people on this earth, i've had absolutely, positively, 100% ENOUGH ...I will not compromise my views any longer and i refuse to see the otherside bcause unless the otherside is coming from a non-smoker, it's an obviously biased opinion. Current Mood: infuriated Current Music: Deftones- "Seven Words" (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 7th, 2001
7:11 pm	Sympathy for the Government What other choices did we have? (5 Comments |Comment on this)
2:12 am	trying to see the other side of things. For some reason, I always seem to find myself in this same position...I've always known that history repeats itself but i never thought the cycles went by so fast...I really don't understand why i let certain things bother me and bother me over again...but it's just to say..i mean, people are going to do what they want. No matter how badly you want for them to stop...or not do a certain thing, people will please themselves first. I think it's just a matter of having these unpleasant habits of others on a platter or in a box. If someone is going to do something that they know you strongly disagree with, why make it a point to discuss it right in front of them? it only makes for a soured evening...no way someone could maintain a mood in the...yeah, we all know what i'm talking about anyhow. tonight's just been very odd...a lot of mixed emotions and a lot of confusion...just listening around and actually trying to put stuff together..nothing really makes sense. i'm not saying that to be all vague and poetic and stuff, but everything is really not making sense. in simple ways and in ways where like, you try to analyze the universe. i did love the world tonight...i really did...but now i am going back to hating it because i'm only confused by it and i don't like not having that clear cut path for myself because...this is new water i guess. and i dont' really know where to take my..uh..."ship." hehe. *pats herself on the head* well...a perfectly wonderful day spoiled...and i think it's like that for pretty much everyone... "mr martha stewart"- once again, i'm not mad at you...i just didn't see why you handled things the way you did tonight is all. (and by the way, we all need our hidden places..the trick is finding one that isn't already taken) Current Mood: angry Current Music: no music (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 4th, 2001
11:14 pm	Thinking about my funny little boy... Today i talked to him and boy, is that not a good idea lately...because now i wish i could rewind time and take back those evil things that i let slip...that i didn't even mean. It'a amazing that EVERYONE was right..and i absolutely refused to listen to everyone. And sacramento is so far away. And i actually, physically, hurt right now....and if this "love" then you can absolutely have it back because this "love" stuff is not good for you. huh-uh. i really don't know how to articulate everything right now...someone told me that writing a journal on this would help me feel better but this has succeeded only in making me feel incredibely stupid...because,i mean, i had my chances and i was like "no no no no no" being the stubborn idiot that i can be. and talking to zimmy tonight..leaves me feeling all melancholy and icky...and sick. it's literally...ouch.. and on a side note: i'm sorry that you guys always find out stuff in chunks...i mean, three people so far have asked me about that....i'm not a big talker when it comes to real emotions so i have a hard time opening up..ya know? doesn't mean i don't want to ....yeah... and on another side note: i've decided that i am not going to fix this whole....situation (dealing with a certain jealous person ) because there is nothing to fix and i absolutely do not want to talk to her. i avoid her and her sidekick as much as i possibly can because i don't want to hear her immature shit...and it took me a while but, yeah..that's how i'm going to deal with this; by not dealing with it. It just makes me sad that i have to avoid y'all at break and stuff...it's like, i never see jon even though we're at the same school...lol, it's funny if you think about it...these ideas you have and then you come back to find that they were ridiculous...anyhow...i'm going to go now.. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: The Beatles- Across the Universe (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 30th, 2001
10:10 pm	*Embracing the character-making Imperfections* The most solid investment i ever made was in a viewfinder. Scenary going by faster than my mind could process it. But still i wanted more and more because i knew that i could handle it. I want it all, don't you know? And if it gets to that point...too much...you can always close your eyes. It's your fingers that don't cooperate sometimes. And when that problem presents itself, you need only sing "fly, fly my little ones." Then scarce one thought will remain. Where has all my time gone? Current Mood: geeky Current Music: Tori Amos- Smells like Teen Spirit (Comment on this)