harlot of perils' LiveJournal

Subject:	yse!
Time:	12:48 am.
Mood:	hopeful.
Music:	good enough by sarah mclachlan.

spaced out for like minutes just staring at my catcher in the rye book, when *poof* an idea/goal comes to mind...

i will backpack through vietnam, cambodia, nepal, laos, and india...all in one go, before i hit 22.

suddenly, my mind is in a rush. so many unlikely things to do, but i guess that trip will be the ultimate. its time to say sayonara to my comfort zone for a lil while. its getting too comfortable.

yay! friday the 13th. guess my luck started already. lolo gave me some cashhhhh, bebe.

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Subject:	7 kilometers to happiness, for pol's souls in transit
Time:	11:07 pm.
Mood:	okay.
Music:	wish YOU were here by incubus.

The train came 10 minutes late today.

I am standing on the platform as the sun crawls up the skyline in front of me, which consists of a wall and whatever fixtures had been placed on it. I hate it when the train is late. Its disrupting. My caffeine buzz wears off and I end up being late. Im never going anywhere, Im just late when I get there. My hair is fluttering around and hitting me in the face. Its getting on my nerves. My doctor told me I was clinically depressed yesterday. Im wondering how good a job he'll do of convincing me that I am. I'm wondering how much therapy for my new found condition will cost.

The train comes into view out of the corner of my eye and its not worth looking over to get a better view. Behind the yellow line. Finely crafted metal bars push the wind through my hair as it settles gently back down again. There's a chill in the air this morning. A faint hush of wind settles on my cheeks and applies its own coat of blush.

The train is my savior. It welcomes me with nailed arms and feet, a crown of thorns and a blessing. I sit in the first cart, furthest to the front. Looking out the window.

Its seven kilometers today. Shorter than most days. Seven kilometers to happiness and only a train ride away. The wheels turn and pistons fire. An older woman is staring at me. She has a cane and a small push cart with groceries and a small plush bunny rabbit at the top. It looks like a present. She's a grandmother, I think.

I want to stand on the roof and feel the world pass me by without the safety net. I watch the world pass by with timeless precision. My world. The driver steps out of his booth for a moment and walks past me.

The trees give way and disappear. I love this part. The water explodes out of nowhere like a canon ball. The sun burns my eyes and highlights my smile as I see my soul in my reflection.

We're just about to hit seven, I would think. The sky is cumulus and beautiful. I can feel myself crying. We pull into the station slowly. It's crowded. The city appears out of vapor and trees. I am in the middle of it without noticing.

My seat is comfortable but happiness is more so. Once off the train the sun warms my face. My limbs tingle and I stumble slightly. I see flowers and sunsets in my heads. Ocean. Walking on water and the smiles of little children on a swing set, running across monkey bars. The walls surround me. They are painted gold with massive ceilings and skylights, the Sistine chapel on the glass. I sit down on a ratty bench in the middle of it all. My lips quiver and Im sighing. The bench is slightly broken so I'm a little uncomfortable, but it's ok. It makes me happy, anyway.

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	yeh
Time:	12:53 am.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	lonely day by phantom planet.

i cant believe how ariane and i are so alike, mentally. 2 days ago, i was planning a puerto azul outing for my friends from school. and the day before that, i was hanging out at a friends condo. im chatting with ariane now, and it turns out that she was also at a friends condo that night, and was planning to go to puerto azul with some of her friends sometime this week.

thing is, shes in more of a slump than i am. her boyfriend is calling it quits just because she's too nice and loyal. he demands that she be less available for him. i do not get it. guys = aliens. since we were both feeling a bit homicidal, i was telling her about me being so bored that i wanted to chop off all my hair this afternoon. she said she was thinking of the same thing, but since both of us have long hair, we thought about how difficult it was to grow it this long.

well. at least we're hanging out tomorrow. nothing like a whole day with someone who can totally relate. and at least, i have something to look forward to.

she says she needs a new life, a new boyfriend. i totally agree with the former, but the latter? i think i'll pass. but hm. maybe that's what i need. maybe lang.

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	randuhmness
Time:	10:23 am.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	californication by rhcp.

in moments like these, i sit back and think of what's happening with my life and why its happening. it comes rarely these days.

5 days a week im either at the mall; watching a film or just hanging out, or at the billiards hall. sembreak is just around the corner so i have the license to slack. by the end of the week, i am engulfed by alcohol, smoke, and girlish laughter. the conversation? oh the usual. whos pregnant. who dropped out. whos working at where. who snorted out noodles out of her nose back in high school. whos getting laid by who. it might be senseless babble to you, but its gospel to us.

my celfone beeps at an average of 50 times a day, which makes me want to throw my samsung towards cambodia. sometimes i dont even bother to read the messages i get; the more pa-concerned effect guys make, the more shallow it gets. have i become a total bitch, when im brushing off dream guys of the norm? one is a frat man whos weapon is a guitar, the other...a certified jock who is dribbling his career towards the PBL. one is a rich bastard who doesnt mind when i use his car, he's got 2 others just like it anyway. amazing how i have no attachment to these 3 who claim to "do everything" for me. maybe at least one of them is sincere. maybe i just totally lost the interest dating. but i refuse to admit that there is something wrong with me. ah, yes. maybe they're all the same to me. and no, i wont even start about how they-all-became-the-same-to me-phase started.

its a good habit of mine to read the newspaper when i get up from bed. i like being updated, knowing whos doing something and what its causing. then i see GMA's face on the paper. all i could think of is...moleh, moleh, moleh, moleh. yeah goldmember is a must see if you need a break from all the depressing shit your life has. anyhoo, i have alot of things to say to GMA. i cant believe shes getting on my nerves.

i wonder what's in store for me today. my exam starts at 3, and i havent reviewed. i wonder what's for lunch. i wonder if my hamster knows how spoiled he is, and that he's stealing my dad's attention from me. i wonder how all this started; my life being a routine thing, yet my mind floating overtime, as far out as before. i feel good, yet tired. something's missing. yet i dont know what. all i know is this isnt life. this is routine, and i am bored as fuck.

see. the jock just called. the moment i heard his "hello", i got bored with him already. monica, the bored ungrateful bitch. so screw me.

Comments: Read 19 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	the song for the person in denial.
Time:	9:20 am.
Mood:	listless.
Music:	sulat by moonstar88.

sa kanyang mga mata
di mo makita na mahal ka nya
dahil sa pagkakamali nagawa
nung kayo'y magka-eskwela pa

sabi nya'y ikaw lang ang mahal
seryoso sya sa lahat ng pangako sinta
ikaw lamang ang hinihintay maghapon
hanggang mag uwian na

patawarin mo ako
mapaglarong isipan
mapapatawad mo ba ako
o sadyang makakalimutan
ang mga sulat ko sayo

may kanta ka pa sa kanya
yun pala kanta mo din yon sa iba
nalaman mong di lang pala ikaw
ang pina-ibig nya...

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	hengober
Time:	3:10 pm.
Mood:	accomplished.
Music:	shiver by coldplay.

the activity at the backstage was in a frenzy; everyone trying to change quickly while getting a re-touch, i guess it was a sight coz us girls were running around only in underwear..and we were in the same room with the boys! it felt like a virginal orgy since it was awkward yet exhilarating, asses and boobs scampering about it was hard not to stare ;) the weather couldnt oppose our determination to go on with the ramp show and just get it over with. what a relief the rain stopped and everything else went smoothly. well, some though. we were all hugging and congratulating each other when the show was over. simply overwhelming :)

kai was right. didnt really notice the crowd anymore, but it was more about having fun and trying to remember our sequences. i made hella mistakes, but hey im a non pro so :P thanks for coming, kai. sorry i wasnt able to hang out with you, i didnt really have time for my friends who came to watch coz we had money-issues to settle. but billiards tayo soon, and its on me :) lab yu milton! :)

so after the issue was settled, everybody just wanted to get drunk. it was already 1am when we decided to waste away at shojie's house, so off we were dwinking and dwingking. hay ang sweet, we vowed not to let this be the last but the beginning of more drinking sessions to come :) they are such nice people...with nice asses. shojie was sitting next to me the whole time, and as my intoxication level increased, so did the flirting. i like him but i did NOT wanna get too drunk, just in case one of us makes the move. its weird, yet it makes complete sense. at least to me. haha :P

i dont know if it was the alcohol that caused the headache i have now. it could be all the veiled and mixed feelings i felt when i knew he was observing how i made tagay to everyone; just watching me serve the drinks and pop chips in my mouth. such it was, last night. :)

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Subject:	remote controlled
Time:	3:34 pm.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	silent all these years by tori amos.

my left arm is starting to twinge. and when it does, it usually means something. and more.

maybe its coz i only had 2 hours of sleep, explaining my 5% brain capacity. or maybe its coz i have a 10 page paper due on saturday and i just started. or maybe its coz shojie asked me out. tina's phone call last night, perhaps? hmm. twinge twinge twinge. ahh, maybe its coz i wont be able to watch twen's gig coz of our jackass director. yeah that could be it. maybe its coz of everything that's happening to me now. so fast yet, so imperfect.

maybe my left arm is telling me that in this very second very minute very hour of my khaki pants white tank top existence, i know that there is something missing in my life and that if i dont figure out what it is, i'll be screwed. but no, with the rate my brain cells are going, i dont think i'd be able to make any sense. twinge twinge.

i think i'll just go and make myself some coffee and start my paper with AT LEAST a paragraph. i've got nothing to lose after all, dont u think? ok strike that. lets not think.

Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	when lust leads us around like a puppy on a leash..
Time:	10:00 pm.
Mood:	thoughtful.
Music:	rinse by vanessa carlton.

no, he isnt love. his eyes dont reflect the stars. the stars dont spell out our names. our names probably dont belong together on invitations or christmas cards. he isnt love. he only spent my time for me and taught me how to be in touch with the woman that i am. he made me feel like a goddess, and he my dark roman god.

those nights we spent lamenting over coffee and choking on one another's smoke laden tongues. those were nights, not of love. but of exploration and defiance. those were nights that created me anew, and merged me into a mirror of myself. tangled brunette on platinum. corseted flesh on bare breasts. strings untied and unzipped pants. rushed moans and whispers. but it wasnt love.

our passion died in short breathes recurring with the turn of day. he listened to my bad poetry and played for me his bad songs. he gave me an anatomical drawing of a heart and told me it reminded him of me. he killed me with his innocent smile, and my only defense was to look away while his eyes tasted my skin. he painted me in red and black and blue and fled the country.

this is all we were. a drawing of an anatomical heart, packaged in flowery ribbons of love poems and equations that made no sense. i mapped his moles with my tongue but never knew his middle name. an apparition he was to me. he was there for a moment, then he was gone.

yet, i love him. and only will he be love when the roads we used to tread swallow me up and make me whole again. only will he be love when i remember how it is to explore again. only will he be love when i think of him and break into ferverous sweat.

like now.

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Subject:	amazing week :)
Time:	10:48 pm.
Mood:	thankful.
Music:	cocoon by bjork.

i just had the most wicked week ever. i didnt attend any of my classes, because i was excused for being a model in our upcoming fund-raising-ramp-show on the 10th (there, kris, i announced it :P).

not only that; it's been only three weeks since i met the people im working with and damn, we act like a barkada already. even the hunkiest and prettiest models werent kill joys. yesterday was fun, i rode the MRT for the first time and had a blast! we all left our cars parked in makati and enjoyed the ride. we had fittings for crimson, jag jeans, and fubu at quezon city, then played billiards afterwards. today was also a killer, had rehearsals from 1pm to 9pm.

its amazing how easy it is to sit down and have dinner with people you've just met for only a couple of weeks. i guess i've been too uptight before, avoiding beautiful people just because i thought they were so stuck up. thank god these people arent :)

and besides, i have a major crush on my co-model, shojie. he's african-american! he also has the wackiest sense of humor of them all :))) hay. im beginning to enjoy my life again :)

*anyhoo. if you're interested in watching, email me or text me nalang then i'll give you tickets. aug 10. 7pm, pasong tamo ext. makati. 20 models, 4 sponsors, 1 night. god, im nervous. what if my clothes are baligtad pala? what if i trip? hm, dont watch nalang! hahaha :P

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