Date:	2002-06-25 17:00
Subject:	I hate subject lines
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	system of a down-toxicity

Today I talked to my mother for the first time in almost a month. She sounded broken, like she had absolutely no fight left in her at all...My mother, the woman I've always admired for her strength, is broken. Her voice on the phone sounded so small and beaten. I wanted to cry just listening to her...It's sad seeing someone you love just deteriorate before your eyes. I want to blame all her problems on her husband, but I know that her problems are her own. She's become a completely different person. I watched my mother fall down, get back up, and actually get her life together. Now she's in an even worse place than she was before. I see what she's down to her life and I'm just baffled and honestly? TERRIFIED that the same thing will happen to me. I used to think I was strong like her. I used to think I was a lot like my mother. But now I'm realizing that I'm completely different from her in many ways, and that's ok. I'd rather have my independance and people think I'm a stuck-up bitch, then be that person that everyone takes advantage of...That person is my mother. I will never be stepped on like her. I may not be the most confident person in the world, and I have NUMEROUS flaws, but being stepped on and taken advantage of is one thing I will never be. And on that note, my ranting and raving is through.

This weekend I went to NC to see Adam...I don't know, it was kind of weird being there, but not having a place of my own to stay, you know? I kind of don't like being around people (even if they're my friends) constantly and all weekend long...I guess I'm an independant in all aspects of the word. Tried nose candy for the first time and had an awesome awesome time. I don't think I want to do it again, but I had fun, and that's all that matters. Saw Kat and David, smoked some bud, drank a little...It wasn't exactly the BEST time in the world being there, but whatev.

Date:	2002-06-21 11:45
Subject:	whoa
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Staind-Epiphany

Weird dream of the century- I'm running in DC, wearing nothing but my sneakers and this one particular black see thru thong/camisole lingerie i have. The thing is, I realize I'm wearing the shit, and it doesnt bother me. I'm running, running...I hear my name being called, and I look over to see all the Cosbys driving by me in a green car. Rudy's screaming "HI!" to me and I just keep running. What the hell???? Who has dreams like these????

Date:	2002-06-10 11:23
Subject:	Dreams are the darndest things
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

Last night I had the weirdest dream ever. I dreamt that I was staying at a cabin with some friends, and the cabin was rumored to be haunted. Because of this, everyone was on edge, but nothing really happened to make us belive the cabin was haunted until the last day. I went into my closet to get my black dress, which was on a hanger. Before I got a chance to pick it up, the dress started moving and there was a body in there. I couldn't see a person, but the dress was filled out like someone had put it on. Of course I freaked out and ran away. But then the dream jumped, and i was walking down the road carrying a small child. We were walking back to the cabin from somewhere, and when we got back, I sat down on the porch with this random man. I heard noises from inside the cabin, and I asked the man who was making them. He told me that someone new was renting the cabin, and that we had to get rid of them somehow. I'm assuming from his words that we were all ghosts. So what does that mean, that in my dream I died? That's some crazy shit.

Date:	2002-06-09 14:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	energetic
Music:	STP-Atlanta

My birthday ended up alright I guess. Still didn't see my mother. I called her and invited her and her husband to dinner on Saturday, but she said they were having people over to watch the fight. Right. This is the first birthday she's missed ever. But dad made me dinner, and we invited Sugarbear over....What, Sugarbear's doberman chewed up my shoe? Funny how I still can't be mad at her because she's so cute. And hey-she pretended like she was sorry. Oh well. Rolled Friday night, and Saturday night we had a loooong smoke session at Matt's. Sugarbear brought his hammer, and I brought my 2 1/2 ft. bong, and Sean brought over his glass bong...Hector rolled about 4 blunts, and we smoked them all, on top of all of our bowls...I was incoherant. It's a good thing Sugarbear was sober driver. It's also a good thing that Ras gave me the best birthday present ever. I went to his place to pick up some pot, and he gave me a quarter of middies for 20 bucks. What a deal.

And now, it's time for me to take a shower. Who loves a dirty bitch? Not me, not me.

Date:	2002-06-04 19:34
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic
Music:	Coolio-I'm in Love With Mary Jane

Well, here I am again. I've been having troubles involving bills as of late; my problem is mainly, I have a lot of bills and not a lot of money. Actually, no money. So anyway, I got birthday cards in the mail today, and thinking that they'd have some checks in there, I got quite excited. To my great dismay, there weren't checks in the cards, but fucking Hechts gift certificates. I DO NOT NEED TO SPEND ANY MORE MONEY. I have to pay back the money I owe first. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ungrateful. I was excited to spend money all the same. So I went to Hechts, and bought about 45 dollars worth of makeup and clothes (which equals an eyeshadow, lip gloss, and shirt-DAMN I'm expensive). Since I spent so much money, Lancome gave me a free gift. Get this-it was a loaf of bread in a tote bag. What the hell? Does anyone else find it smusing that I spent 45 bucks and got a loaf of BREAD?

Countdown til Megan turns 20: 2 days. I'm not too excited. Number 1: I'll be halfway to 40. Who would be excited about that? Second, my mother was supposed to celebrate with me, and instead of returning my calls, she's somewhere with her husband. Of course. Why should I play second in her life, when Numero Uno smokes crack and is basically a waste of oxygen? Sigh. Oh well. Birthdays aren't that big a deal anyways. Not mine, anyway.

I joined a Donnie Darko community today (I know I'm a dork, leave me alone). Let me just tell you all that Donnie Darko is the best movie ever. You should all see it right away. It's one of those movies that makes you think about things (God forbid!). I swear you won't be disappointed if you watch it. Now go!

Date:	2002-06-03 17:47
Subject:	ahoy!
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	KRS-One: A Friend

What a looooong weekend. I finally saw Spiderman, and let's be honest-Toby Macguire is hot, but Kirsten Dunst is one stupid bitch and she ruined the movie for me. I also tried 2C-B, and that was tons of fun. Lots of visuals (oh the colors!), hell of a body trip...I like that more than AMT...2C-B is more intense. They're both kind of similar in that there's no head trip. I like that. I think I'm finally settling in at home. I'm going to Elon the weekend after my BDay to visit Adam, and I'm looking forward to that, but mostly, I've come to grips with the fact that I have to make the best of being home. I have a job interview tonight; let's hope it goes well because I need MOOLA to pay my bills and start a savings account for the house. More later-

Date:	2002-06-01 08:19
Subject:	Make it stop...
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

My parents are going out of town tonight, and being the bad daughter that I am, I'm throwing a party. I should be happy; I'm going to see my friends! But for some reason, I'm not looking forward to it because I have this horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen. And even though I try to shove the bad thoughts away, they keep coming back. Sigh...

PS (My introspective nightmare has not ended, but in fact, has intensified.)

Date:	2002-06-01 03:54
Subject:	Looking for the magical fish...
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted
Music:	bt-fibbinacci sequence

I wish I had my own personal hole to climb in whenever I felt like escaping people.

Date:	2002-05-29 01:28
Subject:	And the introspective nightmare begins.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Nickelback-Too bad

Tonight my little brother graduated from high school. It was so weird, sitting in the audience and watching these fresh, smiling faces receive diplomas. I started thinking about when I was in their place 2 years ago. I wish I had done high school differently. I wish I had made a few more friends, been a little more outgoing...Maybe just been a little less like...me. See, the thing is, I'm going through this whole identity crisis. I am who I say I am, right? Well, what if I don't know who I am? And are the paths we choose in life indefinate and irrevocable? Sigh...I just don't know. Does everyone go through this stage where they're completely lost? I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck in a hole and I'm trying to grasp ahold of something, anything, that will help me out of it. The things that used to comfort me don't anymore. That scares me. Without my comforts, I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. But do I need to be alone? So many questions that I don't have the answers to...WHEN WILL THIS HEAD TRIP END????

I saw Cheeky tonight and I was so excited. I havent seen him since last summer, when I got him drunk and he passed out in the back seat of my car. I gave him a hug, and I felt so much better for some reason. All the shit that's been racing through my head just stopped. Why? I guess its because I knew he was happy to see me back. Sometimes, that's all you need. Cheek's a good friend to me. People like him restore my faith in the human race.

I'm tired of babbling, and I'm sure whatever poor bastard is reading this? He's tired of hearing me babble too. I wish I could be decisive about one thing in my life. Do you see why I smoke pot now? Jesus, it makes all the shit in my head just stop. I can actaully enjoy life when I'm high and not get caught up in all this stupid shit that probably isn't a problem. And that's where I end this-

Date:	2002-05-28 13:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	geeky
Music:	tv

Let's just say that last night was incredibly...surreal. The things that happen when you go visit Ras in DC. David, Laurie and I put our money together and decided that together, we had 50 bucks-in other words, we had more than enough money to buy pot and chill in the heights all night. We made our call to rastaman, and got on the Beltway. However, as soon as we got into Takoma Park, we're driving down the road, and this CAR speeds up out of nowhere, and just rams into the car next to me, absolutely DESTROYING the bumper. I mean, we were sitting there and we heard the collision. But this is the nest part: instead of stopping and exchanging information, the car that came of nowhere just sped off. We were all in awe! I've never been that close to an accident before, let alone a hit and run. So we continue to drive, and we get to Ras's with little trouble. Ras, as usual, gave us a blessing (over an 1/8 of nice middies and over a gram of hydro for 50 bucks? Yeah, that's nice). So we struck up the hydro and drove away. I arrive at a stop sign, watiting to make a left-hand turn, and I look to my right. Staring into my car is this scary, cracked out black man wearing suspenders and no shirt, chilling outside in the rain. He's making weird gestures and shouting....Basically, he scared the shit out of me. I don't know what he was yelling, and I really didn't want to find out. So anyway, that was my random night.

I have a job interview tomorrow...I'm only applying for nanny jobs, because then-checks are tax-free, and I don't have to go through the whole training thing. Wish me luck! I need a damn job; how else am I supposed to make rent payments? Whoring myself on the street is sounding better and better.....

I found this test, and thought it was oh so true, so here it is-

I'm an atheist!




Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

A(nother) Robert and Tim Creation

Date:	2002-05-26 18:48
Subject:	Bones like iron, blood like mercury
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry
Music:	Dispatch-Hey, Hey

The other day I was on the phone with my mother and she started to get the attitude with me again, blaming ME for not calling HER, for hating Bucky, for not letting her know about MATTHEW's graduation...I'm so fucking tired of getting blamed for every goddamn piece of shit that happens around here. I hung up on her in the middle of her rant. I haven't talked to her since. Doesn't this seem like de ja vous? I mean, seriously. The only difference is that this time, I don't give a flying fuck. That sounds pretty bad, doesn't it? I still resent her for treatng me like shit from September-January. Fuck that. I'm not going through that again, trying to make her see my side, crying all the time because shes ignoring me. She yells at me for hating Bucky; what the hell does she expect, for me to love and worship him just because he's her husband? What I know of Bucky doesn't make me believe that "he's really a good person, you just need to get to know him." You know that asshole doesn't like my mom even talking to my dad? She tried to give my dad a birthday card and Bucky made her throw it out. Why would I want to get to know a man like that? I already have a dad, I don't need another one, especially one that's a waste of flesh and life. I hate him so much. I hate him even more because he's made me a person that hates. It's scary actually HATING someone with every inch of your being. When I think of my mother's husband, I see red and I want to physically tear his legs off. And the thing is, one minute mom is bad mouthing him, and the next, she's defending him. Make up your goddamn mind. You either love him or you don't. You either want to be with someone or you don't. Don't give me attitude for actually having an opinion. And you know, my dad thinks she's drinking again, which is fucking classic. "I don't need AA, Bucky and me talk. We don't need those people." Yeah, funny how that works. Sober for over 3 years, and she's back to drowning her sorrows.

I realize that I must sound awfully judgemental. I know I set very high standards for people that I love, and I get disappointed really easily when those standards aren't met. But you know what? If you're going to be a mom, be a fucking mom. I'm not a perfect daughter. I never said I was. I've made a lot of mistakes. But I've never fucked her over. I've never lied to her. She was the one I was always honest with. And I feel like she's throwing all that away. She's my mom, she always will be. I can't change that. Sometimes I wish I could. I'm tired of her pushing Bucky on me. I don't like him. She knows that. He tries to invite himself everywhere, he's pushing to be in my life. She's just letting him, knowing how I feel about him (mainly, I wish he would die). One day, I'm just going to explode and tell him EVERYTHING-how I think he's ruined my mother's life, how I truly hate him, how he's a worthless waste of life and I will NEVER love him, let alone like him.

I fucking hate being home. I want to go back to school. I didn't want to come back, I don't like being here. Adam said I could stay with him, so I think I'll go to his apartment next weekend if I can get some money together. I don't really know why I'm disliking home so much. Maybe its my mother, maybe it's the fact that I got used to always being around people and the 24/7 party. All I know is that I want to be back at Elon, stat.

Welcome to your life....There's no turning back.

There's nothing left to lose
Nothing left to fly
There is nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Tuesday night I went out with Adam to Chrissy's birthday. We went to some rando party afterwards, and somehow I ended up on Tyler's couch at 8 o'clock in the morning. It was a fun night though. Since I had been drinking everclear, I had superhuman strength (or I just thought I did). I actually tackled someone to the ground. It was a sneak attack! I threw him up against the truck and we both fell to the ground. Suicide mission...And I tried to give Judd a piggy back ride...Funny how we both fell to the ground and started wrestling in the middle of the street. In any event, it was a classic night, and I wish I had gotten pictures. It's all in my mind, and that's all that matters.

Been spending time packing up my shit, spending time with my suitemates, and being a waste of life. I have to strat studying for exams too. Bright and early, tomorrow morning at 8 am. RAR!

Date:	2002-05-13 11:54
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley



This weekend was such a fucking blur. I don't even know what really went on. Friday night, I drank and smoked some, Nancy and I ended up at Logan's (ONCE FUCKING AGAIN), I go into the bathroom to smoke a bowl, I come out, she's in his room with the door shut. Whatever. I went home, where I was acosted by Sexy Swede. He brushed my hair for about a half hour, put it in a braid, and then asked me, "When will you ever get the chance to have sex with a Swedish man? Seize the oppurtunity." What? Who says that and expects it to work??? Anyway, Saturday was Adam's rugby banquet, and had I known that his intention was to fuck me up beyond belief, I would've exercised a bit more caution. But no, by 4 o'clock I was wasted. He made me do all the rugby drinking games and got me wasted high. I couldn't speak by 6. I was just sitting there. We went to Trollinger to smoke with his roommates for next year, and I got to meet them all. Granted, I didnt talk to them much because I had forgotten how, but hey-Tyler's hella cool, as is Ben. Moving on. Sunday I basically worked all day, hung out with Justin, studied for my test. I don't feel like being here anymore. I did, but now I just don't. It's too dragged out. WHO IS STILL IN SCHOOL? JUST ME. And everyone is stressing me out. Nancy's getting on my last goddamn nerve with this whole logan thing. One minute they hate each other, the next minute they're making out in the hallway. Jesus Christ, make up your fucking mind!She always asks me for advice, and she never listens to anybody. She knows she wants to be with him, so she'll get drunk, go over there, and make out with him. Which is fine, that's not what I fucking care about. It's the fact that she continues to ask me for advice, like she's thinking about listening. I DONT CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE. I just want to go home. I'm tired of her, I'm tired of packing, I'm tred of school...I want my boyfriend and my sisters and my mom. That's ALL I'm asking for. Jesus Christ on a crutch.

People on my friend's list have been taking this quiz, so I figured I'd succumb to peer pressure and do it to (damn yous!):

Take the Which Cartoon Character on Drugs are you? quiz, by ProtocolDroid.

Date:	2002-05-07 15:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

My mother is still in her hole. Everytime I think things will possibly get better, they really don't. I seriously can't deal with this. My brother talked to her today and she started crying...I don't think she's stopped crying since she married that goddamn asshole. Matt and I are both pretty much worrying all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a stroke or nervous breakdown by like..next year. I wish I could help her. All I want is for her to get out of this slump she's in. But I can't help her. And it frustrates me to no end. I want to be at home with her. It might make things a little more dealable for her, and I would feel better knowing I'm around for her. Sigh...When does this nightmare end...

Date:	2002-05-07 00:39
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	Buffalo Tom-Late At Night

Alright, I was originally going to make this entry a temper tantrum, but then I realized-hey. What's the good in that? It just makes me more angry about things that I shouldn't be upset about. I cannot handle life right now. Because of this, I cannot handle people, either. Do not expect me to be nice to you. Do not expect me to be bubbling with excitement to see or speak with you. I have too many other things to be worrying about. For instance, getting through the school year and remaining on the Dean's List so my parents think that pot is good for me and get off my case. I am allowed to be in a bad mood. Everyone gets in a bad mood. It's my goddamn turn. Just let it go.

In other news, I signed the lease on a house this afternoon. Fanc and I found the perfect perfect house. It's got 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms, a kitchen, and a living room. All hardwood floors, ceiling fans in every room, fireplaces in both bedrooms, front and back porches, and a yard for my Emmy. The house is over 100 years old, I love it. It's so perfect. That's the only good part of my week: knowing that I love where I'm going to live next year, and knowing that I'll be able to have my fat puppy with me.

I told my friend Adam that I'd go with him to his rugby banquet this weekend. I really hope I don't vomit. If you knew Adam, you'd know why I have this fear. It's a reason to get dressed up and wasted I guess. Hopefully, I won't fall and break my nose(Im sorry, it was funny).

In any event, I go home in a week and a half. I'm really not looking forward to it. I'd rather be here for some reason. That is usually not the case, but I guess I'll just miss my friends too much. Logan isn't coming back next year, and my suitemates are so out of control that I can't imagine NOT seeing them everyday and hearing their random-ass remarks. Oh well. I guess I have to go home at some point. I also have to get a job at some point. Funny how that works. Jay's mom called me and was whining about how she can't possibly come back home from the beach in the summer to take care of Jay, and could I please come to work for them again? What? He's your kid, lady, that job never ends. Deal with it. I'm so tired of listening to her bitch. I told her I wasn't going to work for her anymore and I was finding another job. LEAVE ME ALONE! The problem is-where do I work? That is the question for the day. Hey, why don't I go work at the zooballee zoo with Drew-Style? Dammit! I want a cool job like that! Ill just become a stripper and work what my momma gave me. Alright, I'm over and out. People to do, things to see (or just my bed to see, because I'm hella tired).

Date:	2002-04-27 12:45
Subject:	I love.....HOLLA!
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Cream-White Room

Last night was so fucking weird...First-Beatles tribute. Fucking INCREDIBLE. It was an outdoor concert with an orchestra and some people from my school singing. They did Hey Jude and I thought I was going to cry. Favorite Beatles song ever. When we got back, I emailed my parents telling them of my drug paraphenalia charge after learning that they'd probably find out anyway. That sucked, I was pissed off, but why? Well, mostly, it's my business. But I know what I do affects them. And I feel good for at least telling them. Now I don't feel like I'm hiding something. I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to be the person that I used to be. Apparently, when you get caught for lying once, it's hard to ever lie again. And I haven't, and my dad and I have a much better, more open relationship because of it. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had kept something else from him again. So in a way, I'm glad David's parents found out because it forced me to do what I should've done to begin with. Anyway, I emailed them and then went to Chalk's party, where I proceded to get wasted, because that's what happens when you drink jungle juice like it's your main reason for living. And funny how when you're really drunk, you let people write all over your body in permanent marker because hey-it sounded like a good idea at the time. Someone wrote "I love sticking dicks in my mouth" on my chest and I walked around like that, embarassing myself, all night long. My only consilation: I didn't vomit. I did take off my underwear and wave them around though. And I fell on the ground a lot, and I picked Nancy off the ground a lot. Sometime during the course of the night, Al (who I havent really talked to in forever) dragged me into the back room and handed me a blunt. So I smoked with the weirdest group of people ever. One guy has a kid, then there were the 2 black kids, and Megs, the stereotypical sorostitute. What?!? Talk about pot bringing people together. Anyway, somehow I walked home, with a little help from Justin, who kept me up straight, and then I somehow got in my bed by myself. But this morning, I realized that when people write all over you in permanent marker, it doesn't come off for a few days. I scrubbed and scrubbed. What the hell gets permanant marker off (besides paint thinner)? This is the question of the day. I really don't want "Insert Here" (with an arrow pointing to my crotch) to be chilling on my thigh for any longer than it already has.

I hate the week after I roll...I always start thinking about my life, and lack thereof, who I am, who my friends are...It's so much easier just ignoring all of that (to a certain degree)...Ignorance, is in fact, bliss. So I've somehow gotten myself into this introspective spiral, and I can't really get myself out of it. DAMMIT! This whole thinking thing is just not my bag...I always think about the negative, rather than the positive.

What am I doing with my life?

This is a valid question that I'd never really pondered before. Seriously, I'm really stupid sometimes and it kind of worries me. I fly through life, heedless to consequences and repercussions until I actually get myself into a bind. And then it's the goddamn end of the world. For those of you who think its the drugs I'm talking about, it's NOT. I feel that drugs have no bearing on how I live my life. I've always been this way, even before doing drugs. I just sometimes wonder if I'm too reckless. I do what I want, regardless of whether it's the "right" thing. Let's just take this drug charge that I'm dealing with (which didn't USE to be a problem until people started MAKING me think about it...You're all assholes). It's not a big deal. But people made me think it was a big deal. And honestly? I feel the need to tell my dad. I'm betraying his trust by not telling him. Did I not just go through this same situation with the speeding tickets? He's just now beginning to trust me again, I can't start another vicious cycle. I DID tell my mom, and she seems understanding. I mean, what can she say that will make me feel worse than I already do? There's nothing.

Speaking of my mother....She was in the hospital for half a week and no one told me SHIT until last night. She had a urinary tract infection that got into her blood. Her stupid asshole husband couldn't fucking pick up the phone and say, "Hey Meg, your mom's in the hospital, here's her number." GOD how I hate him. There are no words to describe how much I hate him. I feel like I could physically rip both his legs off, possibly shoot him in the face about 5 times, and feel a lot better. I've never wished death on ANYONE. It's a horrible feeling to know that I want my mother's husband dead.He'll get his though. What you do comes back at you threefold. And THAT is what's keeping me from going completely CRAZY and going on a killing spree.