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Tuesday, February 6th, 2001
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6:23 pm - Au Revoir
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This will be the last entry in this journal.
Hope I made myself clear, while I was eating dear. I like to fuck with people's heads, don't u like my awesome threads? I wanna be like Eminem, should we try that again? Eminem... oh there we go! This is what happens, just goes to show....
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2:33 pm
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All right y'all u got it. No more Christian to bother you at all... I am sick and fucking tired of people putting in their two sence. When other people have problems, do I take sides and start saying some rude shit? And for as much as I like you Andi, don't ever talk to me again on IM and be all friendly then say the shit u want to a live journal, come to me. It is a lot easier to discuss rather than back and forth turns. Well peace... if you want to talk then call, but for the rest of you... fuck off.
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1:00 pm - What else?
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Ok, Missy I hope you read this. I am sorry! Leave me alone! You keep sayin shit so I say it back. If you could drop it and stop telling me that Merrilee was just using me, then we will be cool. You attack me verbally, attack my friends intrests, and now you attack my intellegence? My writing sucks? Well ok, it's not for you anyway. So just do me a favor and stop pling the IM game, cause I don't want anything to do with you. Leave me outa your life now.
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12:15 pm - Anynomous
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Hi, my name is Anynomous. I say a lot of shit then hide behind a made up name cause I don't want Christian to know who I am.
Look y'all don't know me, so before you start labeling me and calling me names and shit, know me. Where were you when I was having fun with my friends Anynomous? Call me what ever you want, just make sure to hide under your psudonym so I don't know who is talking shit. But I don't need to tell you. As for dissin Missy, you don't even know, cause you were not around when it was just me and her, so you don't even know who elses fault it is. So you better get off the couch, get out of the house, and get that big cock outa your mouth, Anynomous.
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3:35 am
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When a voice comes to me, my heart sinks. For the pain thats has been cast upon this perfect soul in vanity was of my doing. My heart now rests on the faith that one day I will see true happiness and grace. My happiness is measured by the amount of happiness I give, so therfore if I am not spreading joy, then I am not happy with myself. I realize that this should probably not be so, but it is. I am so forever in debt to the ones I've hurt that I can't properly face the situation that I've caused. Real aching for a love of loves, morals to be bent to find another like the one lost into thin air, like the marsterful magic of a blue moons eclipse, araised to a taste of bittersweet brilliance touching the open air. I am a lost man trying to hold my own, like that of a pebble in a field of rocky glaciers. With decisions hastily answered by an unseen id I hide in my faults only to find that I am human. If I had a rose of gold, would I want others to touch and tarnish it? I am sorry Merrilee. You are the ipitomy of kindness and love, and I took that fact for granted. Expectations of forgiveness are bleek at this point, but I just want understanding. If you can't forgive me at least relate to me in some way. I would be devistated with you out of my life. I know my true feelings are not false. I know what I feel for you is so strong and overpowering, but yet I chose to put that love in jeopardy... and I just don't know what else to say except that I want you in my life.
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3:06 am
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I got hate building up inside me, soon it will be way to late to hide me, pictures of you in a blood red dress, yesterday it was white, who would have guessed? Me stressed? no way I just like to play, want to hear me at my best then listen to what I say: You want to know why I'm pissed, well lest picture this. A little young buck talked shit, well I'm a dumb fuck, thinking I can get by with just luck. But no, you added temptation and if you really cared you would have stopped the relation, so go ahead and play miss innocent even though you got me into it. Now I'm not sayin that I have no part, but you better think twice before dissing my heart, ypu like to say that I'm cold and selfish, well I could solve your problem if I only had one wish. I wish I wasn't here, so I wouldn't have to stay clear of you or worry if you are near.
I'm done... we are done. Accept or Reject... just don't fuckin disrespect bitch!
current mood: amused
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| Sunday, February 4th, 2001
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1:13 am
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How do you explain to people that you are not as mature as you seem? I don't know what to believe anymore. I prided myself on my decision making skills and tried to help other people when really I should have been looking right at myself. Now I don't think I am evil or corrupt but I know my power to hurt people. I guess I never really understood my effects on people till I looked at what I had achieved. My achievements are as follows: I succeeded in ruining the relationship between me and my closest friends and I accomplished breaking the comfort zones of those close to me. I was really thinking about how too handle the situation so I could come out with at least a shred of relation to my lost loves. I see now that I am not ready to take responsibility for someone elses emotions.
Five letters that strike fear into the hearts of the weak. Together these five letters equal one. Solitude and desolation are introduced with the uttering of one word. Whose fault is it that this combination of alpha numericals are applied to my existence, none other than my own. Guilt, sorrow, and disappointment are related to my tarnished name. Handling myself in an honest fashion is not as easy as I had hoped. I hurt because I am ungrateful, selfish, and oblivious to my own problems.
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| Thursday, February 1st, 2001
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12:41 am
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With my eyes closed I leaped off. Now wind is blowing harder and harder as I get closer to the ground beneath me. If I made the right choice, of where to jump from, then I should land on the designated spot. If I made the wrong choice then I will fall until I hit rock bottom. My eyes are closed as you wake me up from my subconcious metaphor. I open my eyes slowly, rubbing the "sleepys" from my exposed tear ducts, to find your smiling face hovering above me. (How much I do love looking into your eyes. I can't explain what I think at that very moment, because my mind goes numb and my throat closes up. All I want to see is the curve of your smile and the dimples that are created as a result.) You say things to me about how everything is going to be ok and that I was just dreaming, but fact of the matter is that everything isn't ok and I am not dreaming. How do you tell reality from a dream?
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| Tuesday, January 2nd, 2001
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8:37 pm - Life Now
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Another chapter of my life is complete. With all the strains put on me, beginning to lift up a bit, I am seeing more clearly what needs to be done. My goals can only be achieved by hard work and determination. I am happy to have people that care about me so much. It feels good to know that I am important to people.
A Light at the end of a tunnel, inside the tunnel are various persuations, tearing into my flesh and eating at my brain, these indecent acts described as persuations are my life line. How can you reach the end of a tunnel, with such a dim light shining, when you don't know what challenges you have to face? When all you have to look forward to is dissappointing people, then what is the point in keeping close relations? I know that dissapointment is not all I bring, but it outweighs the good in my mind at least. While the challenges persist I will see, that if the light is to be reached, then it will. If in fact the light is not to be reached then it will not be reached.
current mood: anxious current music: Tony Touch Freesyle All-Stars
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| Saturday, December 16th, 2000
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2:26 am
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Well, let's see where to start?!? Well, my relationship, in all its greatness, is unfulfilling. Now this is nobody's fault, just another relationship torn by distance. I love Missy to death. She is an exceptional person and a great person to be helplessly in love with. Our moments are far and few in between, but usually they are special. There are Questions I need answered: What is indifference? Is it if you are indifferent to a situation, you don't care? Or is it if you are indefferent to a situation, you don't feel like dealing with it? I am confused because I don't know what I want from anyone, except from myself. I love life and all its glory, but is life ment to be so unbearable? I, personally, believe that everything is special and should be renouned, but then again, I don't care. I don't know why I stopped careing so much but it slipped in slowly and grased me by the throat...
As the listless clock, rusted in the corner of the dark room, doesn't russel up a chime or a chang. In the middle of the room, a chair. On the chair, a protal. A glimpse into the mind of a helpless, hopeless, habitual fool... chaos. Turmoil rots into the soft flesh of this one's aspirations. He seeks unanswered questions in a book he hopes to reedem his soul. Can he find answers in a book written too long ago to remember the copyright date? This one, is no doubt, in a state of unconcious confusion. He seeks counciling from a peer, then ony gets to glimpse into anothers procrastinated problems. From the corner of the room where the clock lay restful, a sound. Attention fixed greatly on this clammering heard about. Oh of course... just another distraction in this tragedy we call life.
How suprising to find comfort in the most unlikely places. I.E. My comfort zone is definetly in the arms of a loved one, but tonite, I found comfort in myself for once. I pride myself on being able and willing at almost all times to help another, but I have many problems with taking care of my own dillemmas. I believe myself to be a very kind person, but when you hear otherwise often enough, i guess you start uestioning your beliefs. Now I am a kind hearted individual, but I have a short temper. My temper is not all that hard to control but I need time to calm from an intense dispute. Well, I've also found that this causes problems as well, 'cause if I go too long without confronting these things, I don't. I need much improvement in mysel before I see myself fit to be an adult yet, but I am growing wiser every day. Specifically, for instance, the arguments i have with my girlfriend, as troublesome and irritating as they are, have helped me learn to let things roll of my back. Not everyone can be totally pleased with you all the time.
I need love. Not neccessarily the un-tamed love yearning inside a locked up heart, cut off because of wrongdoings to the owner, but a love shared between two. A linking of minds far too complex to understan but when combined sense. I am in love with my girlfriend Missy. It is a love that i hope we share unconditionally for years to come. I know she loves me soo much and would do anything for me, and I am equally as obliged to do the same out of love. There is one thing that I think I must say before I end my session tonite: No matter when you think your on rock bottom the floor opens up and takes you down two more levels. This is when you have to realize that you must make some changes to your routine. For me this was when I told Missy I didn't want a relationship anymore. In a way this is true only because I am selfish. I don't want to have to go to college, work, and deal with a relationship that brings me so much joy and hate that it is an emotional roller coaster. Don't get me wrong, I love the time we spend togher and I love her. Well it's late... peace.
current mood: peaceful current music: Emiinem freestlyes
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