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Thursday, August 8th, 2002
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3:24 am - piggies, mosquitoes, and death: oh my!
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so i was at "sister christian"'s party and i see hillary. and she said "hello clare marie. how come you don't update your live journal anymore." (i meant to put a period because she doesn't have question inflection.) and i said "idunnonuttintosay." and scratched my butt.
i really don't have anything to say, but looking over ana's journal, i realize she doesn't either; yet, i liked reading it. well she had a bunny story. i'll tell you about MY rodent. she loves eric, more than me. she gets still and flattens out on his lap, and when he stops petting her she turns her head and squeaks at him. today she was sleeping in her box by my head and she woke me up with her "i want food" noises. and she woke me up earlier with her moving around and i glared at her and she looked embarassed at what she had done...somehow got a toilet paper tube standing upright in her food dish which she pushed under her water, to where she couldn't get her water because she can't pull the dish (too heavy). i patted her head and told her she needs to learn to take care of these things on her own. then later, she somehow got her ball in her food dish. she's full of surprises.
things aren't going well these last days in town...i cry too much, and i'm acting like a silly pregnant woman...i fight and i sulk too. i just don't know what to do to make my time "count" so that i'll still want eric when he visits in november. i'm so worried about it because love is not all you need. you need a lot of work too, or else a date or a husband or a friend or a pet is not going to last any time. we're young and i don't know what this college thing is going to be like at all. it always works out, i know, but i wish i could avoid the pain and skip to the working out. i wish my health were better. that contributes to a lot of it, i know. why can't you just live and not worry about your blood and some guy stalking you and carrier mosquitoes killing you when you walk to your car? the west nile thing is rated "epidemic" in new orleans, 10% fatality, they're using disaster funds for it. and it's just been a few weeks. and meningitis? kids from the campus next door died last year. you get it, may not even know it, and then you're puking up your internal organs and you drop dead. and that's it, because you breathed some air. i'm allergic to the vaccine. why can't you go out and not get raped and not get mugged and just have something go right? nothing goes right. there's always some kink and everything just explodes. aren't you sick of it??
current mood: appre-freakin-hensive
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 8th, 2002
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10:47 pm - she's mine!
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| Monday, July 1st, 2002
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3:38 am - a tribute, of sorts...
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today is the six month anniversary for eric and i. what a wonderful half-year. wonderful because of better choices i've made, academic success, finding a new talent, learning to swim, having more friends, excitement of new things, and having eric along for it all. watching him change is astounding. i've been able to teach him so much, and i am grateful for that because he has taught me a good deal too, mostly patience and taking care of myself in basic ways. i'm glad he asks to nap, and how we both choose movies, and go to taco bell, and lay around. i'm glad he rubs my feet and has a cat and gets mad at little things like parents and computers. i'm glad he likes boring black metal so much, and how we can turn up switchblade symphony or nin really loud on the interstate, and he'll share a clove with me. i'm glad he says no to things i ask sometimes. i'm glad he's realistic like me, and shy and bashful about the oddest things. how he's intelligent and teaches me technical things while i "culture" him in classic movies, art, and music. how he lets his hair dry loose and how he knows it's beautiful. how he emails me randomly and likes to come pick me up to come over even though he's five minutes away. how we can cry and be stupid and be mad and be asleep. how he'll play games with me that he doesn't even like and how i drag him places sometimes and he ends up loving it. how we prefer peck kisses and not "making out." how he'll go outside at midnight and grill one hotdog and cover everything he eats with ranch, how he makes me food constantly and that we love popcorn, ramen, tea, and coolaid. how he helped me cut up magazines for a project and how he likes hanging out with me and my mom and how he taught me how to punch. and how he calls me baby and snuggles with my knees. it's all because he's eric and i can't tell the difference between "boyfriend" and best friend with him.
current mood:  content
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 27th, 2002
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2:18 am - hey pig piggy pig pig pig....
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so i made my decision on my furry thing to snuggle with when i move to lonely college. i'm thinking...guinea pig. i want a long-haired, bizarre coloured, placid little guinea pig. there's a rescue shelter for guinea pigs in my soon to be new city, real close to my soon to be residence, and a multitude of pet stores unlike here, and i'm going to do it, i think. it's the only thing that won't eat my sister's precious stupid birds. i'd die for a cat, next a ferret...here, i'll show you the breed i want. i think i'll name it "guinea pig."
current mood:  pensive
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 17th, 2002
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12:25 am - coming attractions
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well i'm soo pleased to be getting sick again, three weeks after last time. each time this happens it steals a precious week from my life; i don't have that many left here with eric, especially since i have to make a week-long trip soon.
today i was pushed into going to an indian restaurant with eric's family for fathers' day...an outing i ended up enjoying. i had a good four-hour nap at erics, followed by another two-hour nap, and i'm exhausted still. can't wait for tomorrow's increased sore throat and body aches.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: "exterminating angel" -- siouxsie
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 13th, 2002
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6:32 pm - Dear friends,
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Thank you for taking my friend test. However, I am a little disappointed in your lack of wanting to be close to me by not putting your name. Why would you do such a thing? We have a "-", a "must i?", an "anon"...and it hurts my feelings. If you would like to rectify this situation, comment below or refer to the previous entry for the link to retest and possibly raise your score.
Sincerely, CM
current mood: cranky
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
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1:27 am - excuseforanentry(evenmoresothanusual)
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i can't even make a real entry (well, comparatively real) because it's all so draining and confusing. all i'll say is that if you click on this link, you can kill a couple of minutes and learn about your favourite clare: The "General" Test I plan to make a series of quizzes to celebrate my ego and attention lust. Amen.
current mood:  anxious
current music: "Supernatural Thing"---Siouxsie
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, June 7th, 2002
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2:43 am - news breaking requests.
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maybe you're sick of it; maybe you don't care. but. yesterday (and today) i really really swam. before it was like, i-can-go-half-of-my-body-length-kind-of-doggie--paddling-trying-to-keep-my-feet-off-the-ground. now it's australian-crawl-across-the-pool-and-back-being-a-fish. i just did it. i don't know where it came from. 10 days is all it took. praise me please.
in other breaking news, i need to hang out with people desperately, contact me at ambientankh@yahoo.com, PLEASE.
also, you can use that address to explain lost highway to me because as far as i'm concerned it's another one of those films where david lynch just pulls things from his rear-end trying to be weird and give the audience an erection.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: "R U OK?"---KMFDM
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
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2:43 am - CE LUNDI, pas LE LUNDI
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first, i swam. and i mean it. maybe it was about three feet-- but for a few seconds, i was a fish. i made so much progress today. and it was hot and very bright and i was happy.
then, i got drunk. i mean DRUNK. eric and i got a litre of smirnoff (vodka for you kiddies) and it was my first time being drunk. i couldn't walk, i was doing that drunk person pointing thing, personally i think i was very stupid. and i looked surprisingly horrible. eric called me a "lazy drunk" since i did not want to get off the floor and he kept having to pull me on sofas. we played a drunk game of scattergories. i kicked his butt. we watched kids in the hall, also a first. yes, a truly special day.
then we watched AI. it is (dare i say) full of very important statements and messages.
the rest of the evening was downhill (due to other people), ending in a crying and rambling fit that greatly freed me. i got home a little after two am.
current mood: tired
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 1st, 2002
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2:12 am - ich bin impressed avec mich
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just look at the date on that entry. the 27th. now it's the 31st. on the 27th i had to stand by the steps in the pool because i was scared. NOW i can jump in without flotation in the deep end, somewhat doggy paddle, walk all over the place, let someone hold me in the water and let eric support my abdomen while i breast stroke. i even went under water. it took years but i am liking this water.
current mood: impressed
current music: "sin" -- nin
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 27th, 2002
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12:36 am - :)
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i went in a pool! i stood by the steps and threw a tennis ball with eric until he said "let's leave." i liked it. i'm going back for more.
today was one of the happiest days i've ever had. i pray this nice refreshing feeling will continue into the week. tomorrow i get to see andy. this week, and the rest of the summer, will be filled with friends and fun and relaxation and sleep. i hope people want to come see me this summer. i hope i get the nerve to use a phone. i hate phones so much.
tonight driving home...all flashing yellow lights and "king volcano" (bauhaus) playing in the tape deck. the lights were in time with the drum. i got to hold a cat for just a little while and i have prospects of getting one of those rings you can go in to float in the pool. i'm considering clearing a path (at least) in my pen (room). and i'm turning nice too. i promise.
current mood: content
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 16th, 2002
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8:30 pm - darkroom dancing.
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when i am in the darkroom, i'm in the darkroom for hours. i know i have to go to the bathroom but i don't even notice. i know my stomach's growling, but i'm on a roll printing. i talk to myself and i sing. i'm in love with photography. mrs. rule, my teacherfriend, says i'm better than she was in college.
current mood:  artistic
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 12th, 2002
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6:45 pm - this weekend.
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Friday, jazz concert, crying, feeling horrible (in that order)
Saturday, all alone, crying, feeling horrible, studying late with eric, crying again (in that order)
Sunday, boring ren faire, ate, got a card for my mother, laid around (so far, in that order)
I graduate one week, to the minute, and I'm scared. I have two months and a half here. With Eric. I haven't even showered in three days. But I got a bathing suit... haven't had one in years...and I'm going to again attempt to learn to swim. It's easy to plan it but I panic in the water. It's not that important to me, but maybe I'll enjoy it. I'd be happy on a raft, but I'm terrified of that too. I just want to float around. I hate summer.
current mood:  depressed
current music: "Invisible" -- Switchblade Symphony
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
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9:27 am - what he says about me:
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how cute is this? and i never use the word cute.
A-anal, angelic
B-Beautiful
C-curious
D-dateable
E-elusive, exhiliarting
F-fun
G-gorgeous
H-high(sometimes), huggable
I-intelligent, intriguing
J-joker
K-kissy(you like to be kissed)
L-loving
M-maternal
N-no nonsense(sometimes you're a very no nonsense type of person)
O-out-of-this-world (I was so intrigued by you when I met you)
P-pretty, pleasing
Q-quality(you are a very good quality person)
R-real(I know you for the real you; you aren't faking me out)
S-super-duper huggable,
T-terrific(you usually have great ideas for things we can go do)
U-understanding(I make so many mistakes, and you forgive me)
V-viscous(its hard to get you to wake up sometime)
W-wild(you surprise me a lot)
X-um, x-ray, yeah
Y-yummy (CENSORED, C.M.)
Z-Zoro-like(Zoro leaves his mark on people; you leave your mark on people, I will
remember you even if we break up)
current mood: happy
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 29th, 2002
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8:15 pm - promenade
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so i did it...the senior prom. and the binge afterward. it was such a lovely evening, much different from e's prom. his was quiet and we didn't know anyone, mine was lively and all my friends were there. plus after his we went back to his house and ate a pizza and this time we partied all night. i don't want to see another drug for quite some time. i'm looking forward to getting our pictures developed...we looked very nice. everyone did...at his prom there were so many tacky dresses but i guess at my catholic school they couldn't get away with that, and it's a good thing. there were some trashy things at his, damn. my friends looked very nice, especially ana, who is tall and thin with olive skin, big eyes and black curly hair. she's a good girl and i'll miss her. my friends finally met my boyfriend, after almost four months, and i was glad of that. i think i'll talk more about it some other time.
this is the first indication of my age here.
current mood: drained
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 25th, 2002
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8:07 pm - i once was blind, but now...
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New glasses! That wonderful tall feeling that comes with a new sharpsharp prescription. They're quite designer, I loved my old ones that broke but these...new glasses!!
current mood: chipper
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 21st, 2002
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9:56 pm - L@@K!!
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reload the journal--the cory picture is different every time!
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(comment on this)
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9:40 pm - bantic doras
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She said "corybantic" the other day and I keep thinking "corydoras." See, I had them all and they all perished in groups. That one store. The fish from another dealer...well I got sick in the head and I stopped taking care of them. Six months ago. They haven't been fed since, and they have no light, though they have a filter and bubble walls. They won't eat when I have tried to feed them. They're feral now, junglewild and living on godknowswhat and they're each still there. I'm not horrible, I just have a problem with fish. I adore them above all animals but sometimes something happens in my head and I...act funny with them. Tragedies occur. Then, months later, I feel ready again. But...nothing ever fixes itself. And I sure as hell can't fix anything.
current mood: discontent
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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8:48 pm - i am an active hero.
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i saved three lives today in eleven minutes and got a cool needlehole in my arm. how many lives did YOU save?
rain spoke to me! i did a rain dance and trembled a little. but now, so relaxed when we talk...
i'm weepy and silly and feminine lately. i cannot tolerate myself like that; hormones make fools of us all. and spiteful!! i fought with my lover over an insidious knife, i'm not her anymore, i hate to have her creeping into my mirrorface. can we just be happy and relaxed, calm and dryeyed, too much to ask?
raintalk: "Why do I cry every night?" "Not why, how. The why left a long time ago."
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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8:36 pm - A.J.
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A: my reputation is not worth anything out in the non-academic areas of my life.
B: justice is hard to come by.
C: love can be fun. so can fighting. and making up.
D: ana is my friend.
E: after many years, i have finally gotten a best friend-which means that we each consider the other the best friends in our lives. i cried from joy.
F: i cry a lot.
G: superimposed negatives are my newest obsession.
H: i am twenty-fifth in my class of two hundred eighty-five, while everyone in my classes is in the top ten. i am in the top ten percent, the last one in the grouping. i'm not sure how i feel about that.
I: lotion massages make me melt.
J: if you add -atrix to words, they sound kinky. eg: massachatrix, masterbatrix, solidatrix, physicatrix, what have you.
current mood:  silly
current music: "Song from the Edge of the World" -- Siouxsie
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